Jakarta Hash House Harriers
Scribe
Sheet Run 1669
HASHSHIT HOLDERS: Bolt1on, Nick Leeson & MudGuard (run 1666)
HM Declares Pearl Harbour “Close to Magic”
Japanese Germanic Axis Formed in Semen Quarry
SCRIBE’S REPORT Run 1669 Date 4th December
2000 Hares KK,
Postponed & Yoshi
Statistics: Members 37, New Members 3, Wizitors 0.
Total 40. Site:
Semen Quarry, Gunung Putri
OH
WERE OFF TO SEE THE WILD WEST HASHIT, THE JAPANESE AND THE ALIEN
As the circle assembled last Monday night a very bright object could be seen in the sky below the moon. This was declared to be Venus, Mars, the new Space Station or a planet called “Yoopiter” depending on how pissed you were and what country you were born in. However your Turd Scribe can confirm, after no thorough investigation, that it was an Alien craft sent to observe JHHH. I had always assumed, like most, that Yoshi got lost on most runs because he was a dozy cunt and the reason he was always the last runner back was due to his poor sense of direction. But after 2 minutes of exhaustive investigation and tracking your Turd Scribe has discovered that Yoshi is involved in paranormal activity, this is not the thing that makes you blind and needs tissues to clear up (Ed.). In fact Yoshi is an Alien mole sent down to investigate the Earthlings. His ability to sleep anywhere at anytime has impressed everyone in Indonesia and that’s quite some achievement. He is now referred to in awe as the Raja Tidur but in reality he is not sleeping at all, on several occasions I have seen that when electrodes are attached to his head they register an astonishing amount of brain activity. His normal trance like state is because he is regularly communicating to his fellow Alien beings on his home planet of Hondasonypanasonic in the Toyotamitsubushi galaxy. Yoshi does not bother to follow paper but instead is always heading off to check out interesting places such as graveyards, swamps and deserted buildings. He records the position of these on his GPS for his fellow Aliens to investigate and to keep David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson in a job chasing the little green, or in this case, yellow men. Yoshi’s factory out in Cikanpek is also really a disguised Alien craft which emits communication rays that disorientates hashers in the vicinity which account for all the Hashits he has achieved at this site. Talking of Hashits the three hares for this run are indeed our resident Hashit Specialists, jointly responsible for over half the Hashits ever awarded on JHHH. So what went wrong last night? We had all been looking forward to something special, a full-on, no-holds-barred, max-out Hashit, nothing less would do. After all the Pearl Harbour Run and Hashit go together just like bread and cheese, nasi and ayam and small boys and Koncrete Kock.
NEVER
MIND THE WEATHER
It
had started so well. This anniversary naturally falls at the wettest time of
the year so torrential rain is almost guaranteed. The Hares had also made sure
that Colonel Bloodnock was appointed RA to ensure the essential downpour. The
signs to the run were some of the worst your scribe can remember. Pathetic
little yellow things with no point and I’m probably not talking about the
Hares. One particularly good set of signs at a critical junction had every road
sign-posted including the one we had just driven down, this led to the classic
but distressingly common sopir bingung situation where they drive round and
round in circles shouting “demana”. The choice of site in the limestone quarry
and cement factory was inspired. On entering the quarry we were greeted with a
view of absolute devastation. Normally the rain produces mud of battlefield
quality at this site virtually guaranteeing a Hashit. Huge dumper trucks
rumbled by kicking up vast clouds of choking white dust. As we passed emaciated
cows grazing on fields of burning garbage by polluted rivers it was looking
good for the Hares. Surely the Hashit was in the bag. But no, some major
miscalculations by the Hares and a series of bizarrely massively improbable
events coming together conspired to rob them of the much sort after Hashit. The
odds were like a UFO piloted by Elvis Presley crashing into the Loch Ness
Monster, but it happened. Unbelievable, incredible, tell us all about it. Well
consider these facts. Against all odds the incredible weather of the last 5
days continued. For our readers living in less fortunate places such as Europe
or America I have to tell you that for each of these days the weather has been
perfect. No rain, deep blue skies all day long, low humidity, no pollution, the
mountains clearly seen in pin-sharp visibility and a breeze to keep the
temperature at a perfect level. I haven’t seen anything like it in my 11 years
here. After driving what felt like 20km through the quarry we emerged into an
area of stunning bright green scenery, limestone cliffs draped by vegetation,
rolling grasslands dissected by gurgling, clear streams and areas of sawah. In
error the Hares laid a run through the very best bits of the area, including
two superb hilltop viewpoints which even stopped FRB’s Vibrator, Superbrat,
Leeky Dick and Jackoff in their tracks as they took the time to look at the
impressive panorama sweeping all the way up to the tops of mountains Gede,
Pangarango and Salak. A trio of beautiful, naked teenage girls frolicking at a
mandi spot. A fantastic orange, yellow sunset, which lit the underside of the
few clouds with impressive orange, pink and purple hues. Due to a grave
misjudgment by the Hares the run was a perfect length, Superbrat, Gay Gordon
and Vibrator arrived in at 5.55 and almost all of the pack was back before
6.20. Tarzan & Holy Joop got lost. There was a pleasant lack of the more
part-time Hashers from Australia who were brown nosing their Ambassador at some
boring embassy function. During the circle Tarzan made no announcements or
comments for the first time in 86 years. Yes, much to the Hares distress an
excellent run had emerged from an almost certain Hashit.
AS LONG AS WERE TOGETHER
The
Returners included the long missing, presumed deceased and passed away members
Pittstop, Sore Rail & Dr. Jerker – welcome back. Vatican Rag kept the
X-File feel to the night going by trying to convince us that the Americans had
tried out the A-bomb on themselves, before they used it on the Japs, at a place
called Port Chicago which had all been hushed up. Unfortunately for him no one
was yet pissed enough to believe it. Herpes tried to jest about Rabeyes new
found leisure time but was silenced by Rabeyes retort “I’ve been abused by
better people than you”. Tarzan finally returned and was able to buka puasa
with a mug full of cold beer. And so to the run discussion, Pittstop declared
his stroll down the in-trail with Bemo Bob and Jonesy “dynamite – fucking
tremendous” he was presumably referring to the bathing beauties. Bravefart had
obviously been smoking, swallowing and sniffing a cocktail of psychotropic
substances, his comment wandered wide and far to include Col. Bogey, Alec
Guinness and David Bowie. Sheepskin rightly commented that this was, amazingly,
worse than Froggy on a bad day. Sheepskin had started the run with Herpes but
found it too painful so had gone off on his own. He too was impressed by the
beautiful scenery but like your scribe was pretty disappointed at being
deprived of a fully-fledged Hashit. Angie tried a last ditch effort to get it declared a Hashit by saying that
the superb vistas had been ruined by a long in-trail, but it was not to be and
Herpes declared it a “close to magic” run – whatever that is. MM Magic Dragon
told us the tales of the Blitish Soldier and the Sexual Life of the Camel and RA
Colonel Bloodclot got Sadist to drag in KK, Konkrete Kock, Bemo Bob, Holy Joop,
Jonesy and Angie to prove his comment in a sister rag that just like other
Jakarta Hashes, JHHH had some aging choir boy members. And so it was to the top
billed item of the night, the Annual International Sumo Wrestling event. It was
surprising the speed with which some of the gentlemen stripped off their
clothes to participate. It is said that you can judge a mans character from the
way he dresses. If that is the case then clearly their underpants have a lot to
say. Gay Gordon sported a high tech. looking item of mini bike pants as befits
the manager of a technology driven organisation such as Shell. Bravefart wore a
more conventional but smart garment. Pittstop of course sported a poser pouch
but the really horrific, stomach churning, sight of the night was the ancient,
saggy, slack, gray things with faded red lipstick stains on the front that
Tarzan was wearing. In the semifinals Tarzan with his magnificent Sumo size
tits easily pushed Pittstop out of contention. The other semi saw Gay Gordon
and Bravefart going through all the right leg movements and gruntings but ended
up with Bravefart slipping on a rock and being bonked into submission by GG.
The final was a complete walkover for our resident champion Tarzan “Show Us
Your Tits” Hasanudin who retained the trophy for yet another year. RA Bloodclot
awarded Achievers mugs to Dripper (200), Holy Joop (250) who after 8 week
finally stayed long enough to collect
it, and Witless Wanker (650). Congratulations to all. Postponed led the Hares
song, a dreadful ditty called Single Bell which started “Am You Yo Fuck Suck
In” and didn’t get any better, definitely not song of the year. A better
performance by far from Bravefart with his story of the Tampax Factory. Clark
Cunt pointed out to the Americans that it had taken the people of Haiti only 2
days to count the votes for their President. He failed to mention that, as in
Soeharto’s Indonesia; the votes were already assigned and “counted” the year
before the election. This brought the circle to a close. On-on was on site with
over 20 staying to enjoy the delicious Japanese food provided by the Hares who
also sponsored the high quality long pants with err pink flowers!! Not to be
worn in Sydney or San Francisco for sure. Thanks Hares for your very generous
sponsorship and an extremely enjoyable night.
WERE OFF TO SEE THE WILD BLOK M SHOW
In
the next issue of this respected organ penned by your Turd Scribe look out for
part 2 of our 10 part Boltong story. Find out how Bolty became a viagra addict
as a consequence of the megalomaniac plan, which resulted in him becoming
HM……..but at a terrible price for him………..and us. Herb – I’m afraid the free
use of your girlfriends and the free holiday in Singapore at the Raffles Hotel
are just not good enough. Please transfer huge amounts of cash to my bank
account or that of my masseur to prevent publication of shockingly good dirt in part 2.
Superbrat TURD SCRIBE
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