Jakarta Hash House Harriers
Scribe
Sheet Run 1692
HASHSHIT HOLDERS: Bravefart and Vatican Rag (run 1692)
DOUBLE TROUBLE
FOR DOUBLE FIGURE OF 8
ONE OF THE PERPETRATORS ABSCONDS – MANHUNT STARTED
SCRIBE’S REPORT
Run 1692 Date: 23rd April 2001
Hares: Bravefart & Vatican Rag
Statistics: Members 20, New Members11, Wizitors 0.
Total 31.
Site: RM Sate Bangdul
THAT
1994
to 1996 can still be remembered as the years of living dangerously on JHHH,
when a tyrannical RA carried out his megalomaniacal plan to seize control of
the Worlds greatest hash. Carrying out the highly successful approach of all
successful coup leaders, humiliating and degrading punishments were meted out
to the average man in the pack, while committee members were lavishly courted.
As Boltoneon experimented with the limits of autocratic power the punishments
he meted out grew more and more extreme. Sitting on ice was not enough victims
could find themselves raked over pits filled with razor sharp ice or return home
in a state that even their wives didn’t recognise them after being smashed in
the face with eggs, flour and beer. Gradually he abandoned all restraints on
self-control. As the terror grew and the shadow of tyranny lengthened an
atmosphere of fear and suspicion pervaded. Eventually all cowered in fear of
the mad RA as he was known, By contrast the committee members were lavishly
wined and dined in top Jakarta restaurants and a continuous supply of nubile
young girls were made available at his expense. Finally in 1997, on a sad day
for democracy, the time was ripe, the average hasher was now a cowering wreck
in the presence of the great man and the committee members were so corrupted
with the good life that they willingly signed over complete control for JHHH.
Boltoneon had finally succeeded but at a terrible price for us and as it turned
out for him.
DIRTY
The position at the top can indeed be a lonely one, especially when you gain it at the expense of loosing all your friends, girlfriends, wife and your job as well. Finally he even found himself rejected by those ancient, disease ridden, ugly old whores who inhabited his favourite drinking venue. It was at this time that he became completely unhinged. After checking himself into the nearest psychiatric hospital he confided in me, his last remaining, closest and most trusted friend, about his many personal problems. In an incredible performance he poured out all his thoughts and feelings. Journalistic ethics prevent me from revealing he confessed about his failure with women due to his severe erectile dysfunction problem and the embarrassment he felt about his unusually small penis which had resulted in a habit of stuffing objects such as socks, bananas, cucumbers and even french bread sticks into his underpants.
OLD
MAN
Six months later a smiley-faced man appeared on a Monday night, he became known as Lavender. He was a kind gentle man who only wanted to be liked by everyone. Could this be the same tyrant that had enjoyed dishing out so much pain, the mad RA that had laughed as others cried in pain? After extensive investigation by your Turd Scribe I can reveal this to be true. What happened was that in order to regain confidence in himself he had been given huge doses of Viagra, he had gone on a huge orgy of unrestricted sex, although most of his female partners were never aware due to his small penis size, and became a happy man. In fact he became happier and happier as the blood flowing out of his brain caused greater and greater brain damage and the delusions became more fantastic and further removed from reality. Today the tyrannical Boltoneon is a thing of the past and as we gaze in sympathy at the wreck of the man called Lavender we should all realise that power corrupts and absolute power corrupts absolutely.
BALLS
Your
Scribe arrived late at 10 past 5. Hare Bravefart kindly advised that I should
just cross the road and pick up paper in the quarry “if you run fast you might
catch the pack up as they will have done a small 5 minute loop on this side” he
said as I sprinted off. I picked up paper in the quarry as promised and headed
on-on. After 5 minutes I met up with MGM, Sheepskin & Rommy and in another
5 minutes passed the Rope and Skinhead. The trail continued to wind around
picking up all the best bits of country. The paper and arrows were clear and
the checks frequent and good. Eventually, still on my own, I found myself in
that truly beautiful area of extensive sawah near the lakes. Far from the
nearest road it is easily possible to believe you are in Central Java. The
excellent weather of the day continued and at the time I reached this area the
sun was setting; an extensive orange glow began to suffuse the countryside.
This was so spectacular I stopped to watch. What was noticeably absent was the
sight or sound of any other Hashers who I assumed must be all running at full
throttle or had performed some amazing short-cut. So I continued on solving the
checks, which were fairly easy, for this is old familiar country. I headed up
across the football field to the road and encountered a squeaking Maaandi. He
totally confused me by informing me that I was at the front of the pack. The
trail continued looping and weaving in what was now obviously a big rightie. In
a kampung I startled a Konkrete Kock who promptly disappeared off paper to the
left. Almost immediately I met up with Leeky Dick. We ran the last half of the
run together arriving back at the site at 5.55pm having seen no one else but
having an enjoyed a good well laid run which had made good use of the mind
numbingly familiar territory.
TO
With
the frontrunners and shortcutters all in by 6 we waited and waited for the
middle of the pack. In the meantime the experienced Vatican Rag had found an
excuse to leave, having assured first-time Hare Bravefart that it was “a truly
great run, believe me, unfortunately I have just realised I need to go back to
the office”. Finally at around 6.33pm they started to come in with tales of
swamps and rubbish tips. At 6.55pm with 15 back stand in HM Maaandi started the
circle. The Announcements were over and we were into the Run Discussion before
most people realised they had begun or indeed ended. MGM thought it well laid
and particularly liked the paper leading through all the check arounds.
Bloodclot complained of the arrows on the road which had apparently caused at
least 10 vehicles to turn off the straight road into the ditch. Your scribe
feels that any effort at speeding up Natural Selection should be encouraged not
critisised. Tom Jones who is renowned for his over the top praise noted the
long time spent in the rubbish tip and the swamp and thought it “possibly a
little fucked up” which is equivalent to Boltoneon thumping the hares or
Witless Wanker throwing crockery at them. Konkrete Kock said there was
mitigating evidence, which he did not elaborate on, so “let’s just call it a
shit of a run”. The Hare made a serious error of judgement by strongly denying
the existence of swamps or rubbish tips on the run. Stand-in HM Maaandii
immediately said, “well in that case we’ll just call it a Hashit then”. And so
once again we heard the story of Mr. Bangles. With two Hashits and 2 shitty
runs out of the first 4 runs of this year it is already shaping up well.
MISTER
So
what had happened? Well Vatican Rag is well known for recceing his runs at home
on his PC and not out in the real world. He spends endless hours amusing
himself with the complex patterns his runs make when seen in map view. Of
course no one else gives a flying fuck because you don’t see yourself from
above when you run round it. This time he had come up with something really
special – a simple double figure of 8 with a back twist and two side loops
intertwined on the left with a reverse helix on the right. The one thing that
was obvious is that it was going to be easy to relay paper and fuck it up
completely. So who would carry out such a dastardly deed. After extensive
investigation by your Turd Scribe I can reveal that the culprit was none other
than Konkrete Kock. It was he who filled his pockets to the brim with the fine
chicken feed paper foolishly left by the Hares under the umbrella. It was he
that had re-laid the paper into the rubbish tip and swamp and it was he that
fucked off straight after the Hashit was awarded.
BANGLES
RA
Bloodclot then revealed next year’s committee. Your scribe assumes that he had
broken into the HM’s safe and stolen the results from next week’s election.
Scribes MGM & The Rope, RA Sadist, MM Tarzan, Joint Steve from Barnes and
HM Rommy all received a down-down to celebrate with. At this point I wish to
vigorously deny the vicious rumours circulating that I am to be next years HM.
Such scandalous and mischievous accusations are merely futile attempts to
prevent your Turd Scribe from continuing to expose the dirt on the current
members by elevating him out of harms way into a ceremonial position. These
should be seen for what they are, attempts to emasculate the freedom of the
press. To show that I have both God and the Truth on my side I have mobilised a
force of 5 million machete wielding yobos. They have all reliably informed me
they are both invincible and willing to die for the cause (yes I know it
doesn’t make sense but that’s what they say). They will be out next Monday in a
show of strength.
SO MUCH
MM
Angie led us through Dinah and My Sister Belinda and we were into the Hares
Song. This was based on Lilly the Pink, “Well hash and hash and hash, Some are
Slow and some are Fast”. A good effort and at least an original song. Bravefart
also sang the Tampax Factory for absent co-hare Vatican Rag.
BALLS TO
Tarzan
then gave a short 3-hour speech. Your Turd Scribe has finally cracked the code
– you just randomly select any one word from each Tarzan Speaking sentence and
suddenly it all makes sense. It appears Tarzan went home after the hash and
found out that either he had forgotten where it was, someone had stolen it or
Jane had got bored with him always being on various Hashes and pissed off with
it. So he went to the Polisi but couldn’t park in the car-park for all the
luxury cars that come as a perk of the job. So he had to walk there. He then
had to stand in a corridor for 4 days before someone was willing to talk to him
without being paid a backhander. However he was only told that he had come to
the wrong office as they were the Traffic Polisi and not the Missing House
Polisi. Where the bit about “my burung for the ladies” fitted in I’m not too
sure but that was the gist of it. Unfortunately while telling this riveting and
monumentally interesting story 75% of the remaining circle had left. The
remaining 8 of us ate and drank at Sate Bangdul. Thanks Hare Bravefart for your
sponsorship of the food at the on-on.
HELLO MISTER
I would like to thank all those
who have taken the time to comment on my scribblings. If anyone believes that
the world is not a smaller place or that all computer nerds are male see this
following gem of an e-mail I recently
received from some chick in California “Hey, I was surfing Geocities have you ever seen a
weblog? I was noticing your writing style, and I think the weblog format might
really work well for you. I just started one recently on my site, and I am
actually thinking of dumping my homepage in favor of just having the weblog, since I'm enjoying it
so much more than maintaining my homesite. Anyway, I really just wanted to
say thanks for an interesting read! – Bianca - Visit me! http://www.webpagezero.com/biancabroussard”
What can you say but unbefuckingbelievable!
Superbrat TURD SCRIBE
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