An Odd Joke about the Forthcoming Series...

Is it because we don't want to have to put up with hearing Tachikawa Ryouko say in her raspy voice, "Naito Seibaazu... Sanjo!"? It is because we fear that the Japanese actors will be as hideous as the English VAs ('Aren't they radical?!!')? It is because deep down inside, despite what people have claimed, no one really wants Sylia to sound kind and cheery the way she did in Crash!? Or maybe because we're afraid that the Japanese will want to get back at the Americans for doing such a horrendous job of dubbing one of the most popular OVA series ever to come from Japan?

Whatever the case, the seiyuu dilemma is almost as scary as the idea of how the story itself will turn out. Let's face it--Crash! would have been more acceptable if it had been Oomori Kinuko saying those corny lines rather than *shudder* Tachikawa Ryouko *shudder again* belching them out. It was a little scary when the worst singing voice in the ending song for episode three happened to be that of Priss, the famed nightclub singer.

Anyway, if you aren't scared off by now, here is the 'odd joke' from the title, which was delivered to me via a friend on the BGC ML. Don't take is seriously, and if you do, well... you deserve whatever shock comes with these predictions being false.

In the role of the leader of the mysterious "Soldier Girls" known as the Knight Sabres, Sylia Stingray, is the industry veteran who originally voiced her, Sakakibara Yoshiko. However, owing to canny negotiations on her agency's part, she will generally be speaking only a handful of lines in each episode, in order to allow her to maintain her voice. An anonymous source within AIC revealed this, as well as the fact that this has compelled what the source termed "massive rewriting" of the series scripts, changing the character to make her even more mysterious and taciturn. When asked if this hadn't actually been done to appeal to fans of a certain GAINAX character, the source appeared mortified and fled. Sakakibara could not be reached for comment.

But neither of the voice actors who originally provided the voice of Priss Asagiri, Omori Kinuko and Tachikawa Ryouko, will be returning to provide her voice in this new series. (In fact, Tachikawa-san hurled epithets and hung up on an interviewer the instant after the word Bubblegum was said in conversation with her.) A different anonymous source at AIC revealed that the role is going to Mitsuishi Kotono, bestknown as the voice of the pretty soldier Sailormoon. However, Mitsuishi-san has also experimented with other roles, such as Sagakuchi Koume of Blue Seed, and Katsuragi Misato of Shin Seiki Evangelion, almost as if she had been aiming for this role for a while now. She was kind enough to give our agent a phone interview, in which she confirmed the casting and described how excited she was. When asked if she could say anything about the storyline, Mitsuishi-san giggled and said, "Let's just say that if Priss-san screams `Sylvie!' this time, it won't be under *quite* the same circumstances as in the OAVs ..." Mitsuishi-san's most recent role has been as the lesbian duellist Arisugawa Juri in the intriguing Shoujo Kakumei Utena.

Even after five years of playing Hino Rei on Bishoujo Senshi Sailor Moon, Tomizawa Michie claims to be have enjoyed the comradery of the series. However, since its end, she said in a personal interview, she has been waiting for "a meaty role that didn't involve me being a bimbo," which summarized the majority of her roles prior to doing Linna Yamazaki for the original Bubblegum Crisis. She coyly refused to confirm or deny that she would be returning for the television show, but stated that in an upcoming role her character would demonstrate Tomizawa-san's excellent singing voice, in a sequence where her character is in competition with another character better known for musical endeavors. When told that Mitsuishi Kotono would be portraying Priss in the new series, Tomizawa-san let out a hollow scream and expelled our agent from her appartment, babbling something about "seduction".

Nene Romanova's original voice actor, the talented Hiramatsu Akiko, will be unable to reprise the role, due to her commitment to the Taiho Shichauzo feature length animation. Apparently, there is no word yet on who will take her place, although the odds seem to be on Yokoyama Chisa, who is said to be working herself into a frenzy of cuteness in preparation for the role. Hayashibara Megumi was approached, but was forced to decline because of the beginning of the Bannou Bunko Nekomusume Nuku^2 series. (Reports suggest that she *may* make a guest appearance midway through the first season, possibly as Sylvie, if the reported storyline of the slow death and "rebirth" of Nuku Nuku goes forward.) Araki Kae is said to desperately want the part, and a source who asked not to be named claims that she has been carefully examining Gunsmith Cats manga compilations in hopes of channeling the spirit of Minnie May to bring that character's skills to bear on the matter.

Next in importance to the Knight Sabres are the characters of the AD Police detectives Leon McNichol and Daley Wong. Daley's character has been subtly changed from his role in the original series, and will now only be pretending to be homosexual as part of an obscure joke between him and Leon. Leon himself has been changed -- still another anonymous AIC source revealed that he will be changing his tactics in pursuing Priss --"Instead of flirting with her to no avail, he will be chasing after all of her attractive female friends, in hopes that she will jealously pursue him. Hey, it worked for Ataru, didn't it?" What Furukawa Toshio, reprising the role, had to say about this was mildly unprintable.

Yet, despite all this information, one question remains: Am I fooling *anybody* with this sack of bologna?

:):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):):)

Chris Davies.
(In a weird mood ... bear with me ...)