Procrastination, Parodies, and Halbreds
by M.E.
Yuu Yuu Hakusho, Fushigi Yuugi, Ranma 1/2, Rurouni Kenshin, Slayers, Inu Yasha,
Tenchi Muyo
DISCLAIMERS FOR ALL! MWA HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!! Let's see... This has Fushigi Yuugi, Yu Yu Hakusho, Tenchi Muyo, Ranma 1/2, Slayers, Kenshin, Pogo, Sailor Moon, 1984, YA (Yusukeholics Anonymous) members, and more! (Like "Don Juan," "Candide," A Midsummer Night's Dream," silkies, and obscure references to a duel between M.E. and Harrison Barber which has yet to go public.) Oh. And the halbred, can't forget the halbred. ^_^
Spoilers? Who knows, it all depends on what one views as a "spoiler", so to speak. Actually, there really aren't any spoilers (unless you count the spoiling of innocent young minds). And, well, yes, there is a little bit of shounen-ai (but not enough to really worry about, if you don't like that type of thing).
Procrastination, Parodies, and Halbreds
By: M.E. (Magnificent Entity)
(manda_hunter@yahoo.com)
An extremely content M.E. hums happily to herself as she sits in front of her laptop. She has recently redesigned
her author-self to be more...imposing...and she's feeling good, madamnit! This, added to one bowl of popcorn with
sugar (yum! ^_^) and vast amounts of homework spell disaster for all anime characters she is familiar
with...she feels like writing a parody. "Hmm..." the fanfiction author
muses, "who shall I 'lovingly' torment today?" Glancing over her shoulder, she glares at a particular youko thief who is trying to pick
the lock on the large cage in which he and several other bishounen are being held. "Stop that
Kurama," she threatens, swinging e blade of her halbred dangerously
close to the youko's fuzzy ears, "would you rather I wrote more on my fic where you're a girl?"
After thinking for a moment, the bishounen replies, "Actually, yes. Lots of people have done that, I'm getting used to it... Your parodies on the other hand..." he shivers unconsciously upon thinking of the last parody M.E. wrote that he had to participate in, "I still haven't recovered from the octopus..." The rest of the Urameshi team nods in agreement, Yusuke inserting his two bits about making characters (specifically main characters) suffer through unnecessary sex changes.
M.E. is still considering what plot to lift for her fic (all the while keeping the sharp end of the halbred close to the cage, swinging haphazardly), "I could do Oedipus Rex, we just watched the movie in school, and now we're reading Antigone... However, it's always nice to take a plot that people are more familiar with... I could do the Care Bears- Hiei would make an adorable Grumpy Bear." While said fire protests loudly (vehemently wishing that fanfic writers weren't omnipotent beings that can easily survive ultimate attacks), Yusuke and Kurama nod in agreement with M.E. "You know," Kurama ponders, "Hiei would make a cute Grumpy Bear..." He pauses for a moment, envisioning Hiei in a blue Care Bear costume, then giggles slightly, "...kawaii..." *_*
Ranma glances nervously at Kurama, "What's with this, M.E.? I thought you couldn't write yaoi."
Smiling mischievously, M.E. looks back over her shoulder at Yusuke, "I'm getting better at it, I might be able towrite one sometime soon." Sitting in a corner of the ca , Hotohori groans, "Sometimes, I think the hentai fangirls are better then the ones who haven't hit the pheromonal stage of puberty yet. At least the hentai ones are somewhat predictable with their plots... But you can never tell with M.E."
"I could put you all in Mononoke Hime..." the still undecided M.E. ponders.
A little M.E. doll pops up, the sign it's holding proclaims, 'You can't do that, you never understood the plot.'
"True..."
Suboshi glances at the boy next to him, who is, surprisingly enough, Tenchi, "What the hell was that?" "M.E.'s been chumming around with Washuu. She got her to make some M.E. puppets." "Oh. My. God. We're. DOOOO~OOOMED!!!" Kuwabara yells, a look of horror on his face.
Around the (fearful) bishounen the lights darken, and a
silence falls as words from an invisible slide projector state on a far wall...
A Midwinter Nights' Hallucination
an evening of romance, comedy, and botched Shakespeare
original play by: Shakespeare
adaptation by: M.E. (Magnificent Entity)
A loud shout of protest rings, and the lights come back on. M.E. stands in the middle of the room, halbred in hand
and wings spread out in a imposing manner, "Okay, who did that?" Nervous bishounen shuffle their feet in the cage,
none wanting to get the bl me (though they're all guilty).
"What's the matter with 'A Midsummer Night's Dream'? It's a (sort of) well known play by Shakespeare! Plus I just read the b ok (twice) for school, so the plot's fresh in my mind... Well, how about this one-"
The slide projector changes, and now displays:
Don John
an evening of (false) romance, comedy, and speaking statues
original play by: Moliere
adaptation by: M.E. (Magnificent Entity)
"It's that," she threatens, "or Candide. And you *don't* want me to do 'Candide'- which is a story about rape,
death, philosophy, and really big red sheep. 'Don Juan' is just infidelity." She grins evilly, then starts passing out
scripts. "You can learn your lines while I do my homework..." Trailing off, her eyes widen in horror, and
she rushes out of the room, calling back over her shoulder, "And don't even *THINK* of trying to escape! I'm watching
you- and my methods are better than Big Brother's." When she finally returns,
M.E. seems to be in a much better mood. "I took a shower," she announces, "which got
my creativity juices going. No more Don Juan, you now get to do...:"
Fansquabulosly Fracturalized Fairy Tales
An evening of transvestites, thieving, and pissed-off CareBears.
A parody brought to you by M.E. (Magnificent Entity) and her halbred.
Cackling (?!), M.E. rubs her hands together, "May the torture begin."
Suboshi (who has been cast as the narrator because M.E.'s
feeling sorry for him even if he won't give her the orange tunic) begins to speak:
Suboshi: Once upon a time there was a young woman-
Voice off-stage: Man.
Suboshi: Huh?
Voice: I'm a guy.
Suboshi: But the script says-
Voice: Damn the script! I'm a man!
Thunder rumbles, lighting streaks across the sky, and the clouds part to reveal... A halbred...?
Halbred: Arthur, King of the Britains.
Gourry: Wrong parody.
Halbred: Oops... Just put up with it, okay? For the sake of the story line you have to be a female. And no damning my
script!!
Cast (meekly): Yes, Ma'm Halbred.
Halbred: I'm glad that we were able to reach and agreement without violence. Please resume.
Suboshi: Once upon a time there was a young woman named Rubylocks who was visiting her mother, Hotohori-
Hotohori: WAIT! I'm not a female either, how can I be a mother?
Halbred: Oops, sorry. It's just that all you bishounen look like girls, and it gets hard to remember what you are. Why
can't you all just embrace your femininity, like Nuriko, or Ranma?
Ranma: WHAT?!
Ryouga: Well, you *are* always dressing up like a girl.
Akane: Yeah, the halbred does have a point.
Ranma storms off the stage, Akane and Ryouga following because they're not supposed to appear yet and they
wouldn't want to anger the author, oh no. (it's good to be the author ^_^)
Suboshi: ...Rubylocks was visiting her father, Hotohori.
Halbred (mumbling): -who would have made a wonderful mother because not only did he have those motherly instincts,-
Hotohori (preening): Yup, yup.
Halbred: -he also had that pudginess that tends to be a result of child birth.
Hotohori: WHAT?!
He looks around, determined to injure the halbred, but gives up upon seeing that the halbred has once again
disappeared.
Suboshi: Rubylocks loved to prowl the woods that surrounded her humble little two story suburban home.
Kurama is seen walking through some trees, a frightful red wig of bright red curls firmly attached to his (or is it
now her?) head by a large padlock.
Halbred: Yes, Ruby*locks*. Thank you, Churchy La Femme.
Cast: ...
Suboshi: One day Rubylocks was walking through the woods, on her way back to her mother's house, Shiori (her parents
were in a love-hate relationship; Hotohori loved himself, Shiori loved their child, and both couldn't really tolerate
each other on a regular, daily basis). While she tromped along she came upon a girl with purple hair and two large
salt'n'pepper shakers.
Aeyka: They're not salt and pepper shakers!!
Suboshi: Talk to the halbred, hon. I just read the script, I don't write it. Anyway, Rubylocks, being the devious
thief that she was, as well as remembering that her mother's birthday was coming up (and she was sure that
Shiori would like the world's largest salt'n'pepper set), decided to steal 'em.
Rubylocks: Why would I do that? 'Kaasan doesn't need really big salt shakers.
Suboshi: You forgot the pepper.
Rubylocks: Whatever. My main point is that it doesn't make sense.
The clouds part once again, and the halbred appears.
Halbred: Wait a second- are you trying to say my parody doesn't make sense?
Rubylocks: Yup.
Halbred: Mission accomplished!
Rubylocks: Doh, that's right, we're dealing with M.E.
Halbred: ...and her halbred. ^_^ You can't forget the halbred.
Suboshi: So, to make a long story short, Rubylocks knocked out the girl and swiped the shakers. She then hid them
until she could swipe enough wrapping paper to wrap them up.
Rubylocks: What, don't we get to hear about my wonderful thieving abilities?
Halbred: Didn't feel up to writing it. Deal with it.
Rubylocks: But I don't wanna deal with it!
Halbred: And don't whine. I only put up with whining when I'm the one doing it.
It leaves. Again.
Rubylocks: ...mumble...immature authors...grumble...must destroy all of them one of these days...
She glares up at the clouds.
Suboshi: Um, can we get on with this? I want to finish, so I can go back to drooling at Yui-sama and acting like the
psychopathic yoyo boy that I am. ^_^
Cast sweatdrops.
Suboshi: So Rubylocks continued on her way to her mother's house, when she came upon her distant cousin, Medium-Sized
Red Baseball Cap, who was usually called Red Baseball Cap because it was so much shorter.
Rubylocks: Hey! How come he gets to be a guy when he's playing a girl's part and I don't?!
Halbred: Because he already had to be Dorothy for The Wizard of Aahz and I'm feeling nice today.
The stage crew shoves Yusuke out. He is wearing a red baseball hat that has "I'm with stupid," stitched on it
with white thread. Even Suboshi finds this to be a bit too much.
Suboshi: What's with the hat?
Red Baseball Cap: I have to wear a red cap, it's part of the script.
Suboshi: Not that, the words on it.
Red Baseball Cap (shrugs): The halbred said that it was the only red hat it could find.
Suboshi: Oooookay... Anyway, Red Baseball Cap was on his way back from the store down the street where he had been
sent by his mother to get something to replenish the household alcohol supply. For those of you who are
wondering how he was able to do this without being ID'd, it was the Mt. Lekikaku Quick-E-Mart. Most people didn't shop
there however, because the cashier tended to hold them up and steal their valuables. Red Baseball Cap was lucky,
however, and escaped from this ordeal.
Kouji is seen behind a counter, pouting.
Suboshi: Overjoyed to see her distant cousin, Rubylocks asked if she could walk with Red Baseball Cap, because the
woods were full of bandits and she was afraid that she might be robbed if she walked all alone.
Rubylocks: Dear cousin, will you protect me from the horrible thieves that wander these woods?
Red Baseball Cap: I don't know... I have a better chance of being robbed if I walk with you.
Rubylocks: And why ever is that?
Red Baseball Cap: You, of all people, are asking me why my valuables aren't safe around you? Just look what you did to
that purple-haired princess!
Rubylocks & Halbred: She deserved it.
The two tantei-turned-fairy-tale-(fe)males look around for the halbred, then shrug, giving up.
Rubylocks: C'mon! I never rob family.
Red Baseball Cap: But we're not really family.
Rubylocks: True... but we are friends.
Red Baseball Cap: That's never stopped you before.
Rubylocks: True... but you are S-class.
Red Baseball Cap: ...
Suboshi: Red Baseball Cap finally gave in, and allowed his cousin to walk with him. However, they had not gone far
when they were attacked by a girl and vicious squirrel.
Rubylocks: A vicious squirrel? Since when are squirrels vicious?
Halbred: Since M.E. found out that a fellow fanfic writer worshipped a squirrel god. See, they were having a writer's
duel and the squirrels just about killed M.E. when it was over because of what she did to Harrison.
Harrison: There is only one squirrel...
Halbred: GET OUTTA MY PARODY HARRISON BEFORE I HAVE TO STICK JEANDY AND PUFF-PUFF AFTER YOU!
Harrison (meekly): Yes, Ma'm Halbred.
He leaves.
Suboshi (he decides to backtrack some, since some people forgot their cues): However, they had not gone far when
they were attacked by a girl and vicious squirrel.
YuChan & Maiji: YUSEE-CHAN!!
Maiji: Maiji-glomp-glomp!
Red Baseball Cap: ACK!!
Suboshi: Red Baseball Cap found that he had acquired two new and unwanted appendages. Unfortunately for him, they
had gone into fan-girl (or squirrel) glomp mode (tm), which meant that there was no way to remove them without resorting
to violence.
Red Baseball Cap: And what's wrong with using violence to remove them?
YuChan: Because then we'll slash you with who-KNOWS-who so fast you won't be able to catch your breath first.
Maiji: Yup! ^_^
Red Baseball Cap: ...gack...
Suboshi: And so, deciding that the woods weren't really that scary, and she would be able to fend for herself,
Rubylocks left her cousin in the claws of the two vicious wolves.
YuChan: Fangirl-
Maiji: -and fansquirrel.
Suboshi: Whatever. And so, Rubylocks continued on her way through the woods.
Red Baseball Cap: WHAT?! You're just going to leave me here? That's not what happened in Little Red Riding Hood!
Rubylocks: Recall that we're doing one of M.E.'s parodies, so plot irrelevancies don't matter. And if the script says
I leave, then I leave- would you want to incur the wrath of M.E.?
Halbred: You forgot the halbred again.
Rubylocks: ...and her halbred, of course.
Red Baseball Cap: I guess you have a poi-
He's cut off mid-sentence as YuChan and Maiji drag him into the bushes and out of sight.
Rubylocks: The poor guy.
Suboshi: As she wandered through the woods, Rubylocks soon realized that she had become lost. It was now dusk, and she
was cold and hungry. Desperate for shelter, she decided that she would ask for lodging at the next house she came upon.
A small cottage comes into view. At one time, it may have been considered nice, but now it seems to be falling apart,
as well as having suffered through several fires, to judge from the scorch marks all over the outside.
Suboshi: After knocking on the door to the cottage several times, Rubylocks decided that no one was home. She could
just wait or them to return, or go on and stop at the next house- but, being what she was, she wasn't going to let such
a wonderful chance to show off her thieving abilities go to waste.
Rubylocks: Damn straight!
Suboshi: Going through her pockets, Rubylocks found a lock pick. Setting to work on the door, she entered the house
after only a few seconds.
Rubylocks: Phew, what a mess.
Suboshi: Sake bottles and broken crockery littered the floor. Three chairs, of varying sizes, sat in a corner,
each one dilapidated and loosing the stuffing. On a table three (amazingly intact) bowls rested, each full of some
strange substance. Hungry, Rubylocks investigated.
Rubylocks: It appears to be...
Suboshi: Porridge?
Rubylocks: Huh? Oh, no, it's something else.
She leans over, tasting the contents of one of the bowls. Rubylocks's face turns a interesting shade of green, and
her eyes roll around a few times for good measure.
Rubylocks: GACK! That's HORRIBLE! What is it, burnt fish
stew? How could anyone eat something like that?
Suboshi: Feeling that something had to be done about the situation, Rubylocks set about tidying up the house. When
she was finished with that, she went into the (now clean) kitchen, and prepared a scrumptious vat of matzo ball soup
(a favorite of the author), having tossed whatever had been in the bowls down the sink.
Unmoving, Rubylocks glares at the narrator.
Suboshi: What?
Rubylocks: No way am I going to do all that.
Suboshi: You have to, it's in the script.
Rubylocks: I'm still not going to do it.
Suboshi: Um... wrath of M.E. and her halbred, remember?
Rubylocks: I'm not a maid. ::sniffs indignantly::
Apparently realizing that the action has stopped, the halbred appears.
Halbred: Do it, pansy boy.
Rubylocks: No. Not unless you give me some help.
Halbred: I can't help you, I don't have any hands, remember?
Rubylocks: You're (a part of) the author, aren't you? Do some of your fanfiction writing magic stuff.
Halbred: Um... Okay...
It waves around a few times, and seven little sd people appear, accompanied by a young woman.
Halbred: May I present to you- the Snow White & Co. Cleaning Corporation! Get to work kids.
Sd Amelia picks up the broken dishes, putting in them in sd Chichiri's waiting kasa- apparently he's having everything
be rerouted to the planet Xork. Meanwhile, sd Inu Yasha is fighting with sd Kagome about whether a sword can be used
as a cleaning instrument. Sd Usagi has fallen down and bumped her nose, having tripped over sd Miaka. After a few
minutes, the two of them wander off, look ng for something edible.
All this is being surveyed by Snow White and a very confused sd Kenshin who keeps on saying "Oro?" and just
looking cute in general. Amazingly enough, they're able to clean up the entire cottage in a very short time period.
Having completed their job, they leave- well at least the ones who haven't already done so leave.
Halbred: There, I got that much done, you have to do the
cooking.
Rubylocks: How can I do that? I don't even know what matzo ball soup is.
Halbred: ... Okay... can you do weenies and beans?
Rubylocks (scoffing): Of course.
There's a flash and Rubylocks now wears a frilly pink apron.
Halbred: Prove it.
Yet again, it leaves. But, Rubylocks is true to her word, and soon finishes her (very small) task.
Suboshi: After all that work, Rubylocks was in need of a nap. She remembered that there had been three beds in the
other room, and so went to investigate. Choosing the largest bed, she was sound asleep as soon as her head hit
the pillow. However, the wonderful moment was not to last.
Outside the cottage, three bad-mannered bears (of sorts)
are seen.
Potty-Mouth Bear: Why the %*@# do we have to be %*@# Care Bears? I mean, it's bad enough that we have to wear these
%*@# costumes, but why %*@# Care Bears?!
Voracious Bear: Actually, you're kind of cute in that outfit, Potty-Mouth Bear.
Potty-Mouth Bear: CUTE?! I'm a scary bandit- I can't %*@#
be cute! Lekka SHINE!
Voracious Bear: FIRE BALL!
Grunty Bear: Hn.
Suboshi: The fight eventually ended with Voracious Bear being declared the winner, since Potty-Mouth Bear had a
hidden weak spot for females.
Potty-Mouth Bear: Hidden weak spot my @$$! I %*@# hate women!
Halbred: Sure... ::wink::
Suboshi: Tired and hungry, the three pyromaniacal Care Bears entered their humble abode, only to find-
Potty-Mouth Bear: What the %*@# happened?!
Voracious Bear: Who cares about that- look at the table! Food!!!
Grunty Bear: Hn. At least we don't have to eat that stuff you call food. It's horrible.
Voracious Bear: ARE YOU INSULTING MY COOKING?
Grunty Bear: It would appear that I am.
Voracious Bear: That's it- FLARE ARROW!!
Suboshi: With all of this noise, it was inevitable that Rubylocks would awaken. After a few minutes of trying to
sleep, she gave up and stomped into the main room of the cottage, Death in her eyes.
Rubylocks: Some of us are trying to sleep here, if you don't mind.
Potty-Mouth Bear: %*@#! Another %*@# female! Doh.
Rubylocks: Actually, I'm a guy, but the author (and her halbred) have a hard time figuring out bishounen from
bishoujo.
Halbred: Guilty as charged.
Suboshi: But, all her complaints were forgotten when Rubylocks laid eyes upon the extremely kawaii Grunty Bear.
Rubylocks: *_* ...kawaii...
Suboshi: However, Grunty Bear was really smart, and he recognized the Look (tm) in Rubylocks eyes. Being the smart
little pyromaniac mammal that he was, he escaped out the window.
Rubylocks: Hiei- oops! I mean- Grunty Bear! Don't go!!
Suboshi: Rubylocks was quick to follow.
Voracious Bear: ::gobble, gobble, murf, slurp:: Yum! ^_^ Weenies and beans, my favorite.
Potty-Mouth Bear: %*@#. They threw out all of my sake. Oh well, I guess I'll have to go to the Mt. Lekikaku
Quick-E-Mart and get some more...
Suboshi: Rubylocks eventually caught Grunty Bear, forcing him to show her where he kept his pot of gold, grant her
three wishes, and give her his seven league boots. After time Voracious Bear became a famous bandit killer,
and one day found a magic lamp with a really annoying genie who was all secrets and refused to even tell her whether he
was supposed to grant her any wishes. Potty-Mouth Bear got a part time job at the Mt. Lekikaku
Quick-E-Mart, where he perfected his thieving skills till the point that they rivaled those of Rubylocks. Jealous of
Potty-Mouth Bear, Rubylocks attempted to poison him with an apple, but Potty-Mouth Bear was
saved by his employer, Kouji. Irked, Rubylocks decided to settle down and raise a
family since she had been out of the thieving business for too long while chasing Grunty Bear and was no longer able
to compete with all of the younger competition. Red Baseball Cap lost his seal skin to his captors in a
go-fish game and was forced to live with the (scary) fangirl and fansquirrel, since
selkies were the slaves of whoever owned their skins.
The Snow White & Co. Cleaning Corporation eventually fell
apart since no one was willing to do the work. For the time they attempted to operate a restaurant, but that idea had to
be abandoned because the cooks (Snow White and sd Miaka) were faced with charges of
intentional food poisoning. Much to the disappointment of his large following of fans,
Hotohori eventually had a sex change since everyone mistook him for a female anyway. He later regretted this, blaming
the whole episode on the his missing daughter who had disappeared one day on her way to her mother's house.
In fact, the only person who lived happily ever after was the much-loved narrator who ended up marrying the woman of
his dreams and starting a successful company that manufactured toys- yo-yos in particular.
The End.
Suboshi takes a bow, and the lights fade out. When they finally come back on, the room is once again that of the
fanfic writer, and the bishounen are all back in their cage. Except for Suboshi, of course.
"Well, I think that was a success," M.E. smiles, waving her halbred. It is now silent as it no longer needs to be the "hand" of "god" nd keep the characters in line. Smiling, Suboshi nods, "I must agree with you completely." Various grumbles come from the cage, and some one (quite possibly Tasuki) growls, "Kiss up."
Kurama, now out of the horrible get-up he had to wear earlier, tries to cheer everyone up, "Well, at least we didn't have to do all that stuff at the end. She just had the narrator read it."
"Oh, I don't know about not having you do that stuff," M.E. ponders, "I mean, Fractured Fairy Tales was sort of a series, and this is just one fic. I could make it into a series and write all of those things."
The bishounen, excluding Suboshi, groan. M.E. is now looking at him, a frown on his face, "And I'm also displeased with you. Not only have you not yet given me your orange tunic, you also added that stupid part at the end about you marrying Yui when you knew perfectly well that the only people who were supposed to live happily ever after were YuChan and Maiji." Glare.
Gulping, Suboshi decides that now would be a good time to leave. Especially since M.E.'s friend Jean has entered the room wit a handful of pink ribbons, a hair brush, and an evil spark in her eyes. This is the last thing he sees before blacking out. Jean drags him into a corner and sets to work.
Musing, M.E. sighs, "Time to get back to real life."
Rising, she leaves, ignoring the bishounen in the cage...^_^
After a few minutes, someone realizes what's happened...
Rattling the bars, an anxious Tasuki looks around, "Hello?
How about letting us out? Out? Please? Please...?" The lights fade, and finally everything goes black.
Cast:
Narrator- Suboshi
Rubylocks- Kurama
Halbred- M.E.
Medium-Sized Red Baseball Cap- Yusuke
Big 'Bad' Fangirl- YuChan
Big 'Bad' Fansquirrel- Maiji
Potty-Mouth Bear- Tasuki
Voracious Bear- Lina
Grunty Bear- Hiei
Cameo appearances:
Rubylocks' father- Hotohori
Person robbed by Rubylocks: Ayeka
Mt. Lekikaku Quick-E-Mart clerk/owner- Kouji
Snow White- Akane
7 sd personages- Amelia, Chichiri, Kagome, Inu Yasha,
Usagi, Miaka, and Kenshin
Those Who Appeared And Yet Had No Specific Role:
Kuwabara
Tenchi
Ranma
Ryouga
Harrison
Nyan-nyan Jean (so small, and yet so scary...)
Visit the Y.A. website here:
http://www.oocities.org/Tokyo/Dojo/5346/
And, since I've gotten a lot of questions, a halbred is sort of like a combination of a pike, scythe, and battle ax- it looks
something like Sailor Saturn's glaive (sp?).