Silent Acquisition
by dahlia
Yuu Yuu Hakusho, Soryuden

When a patient loses the will to live, there is little the doctor can do.
Despair and depression -- both are the worst enemies a doctor must combat. And
yet...what if...the patient cannot die?

Silent Acquisition

by Karma

He woke up and stared at the ceiling. I'm alive. Sighing, he slowly sat up.
I'm *ALIVE*!!! He threw the bottle of arsenic across the room in despair and
anger. The dark bottle crashed against the wall and shattered into pieces.

That bastard of an apothecary! He told me that it would work! He said that
arsenic would kill any normal human being!

Any *normal* human being.

Suddenly, he felt violently ill. His stomach felt like a truck had run into
it. His throat felt dry and scratchy. He felt hot, feverish, and found himself
hoping that it was true, that the apothecary *had* been correct. Please...let me
die...

Seconds later, Tsuzuku found himself hurling the poisonous contents into the
bathtub of the bathroom in the hall. The Ryudo brothers lived in a large,
spacious, two-story building. There was a bathroom on each level of the house.
The one that he was throwing up in was the one on the second story, where his
room was located. He retched, gasped, and threw out the rest of his lunch once
more.

"Tsuzuku-aniki? Daijobu ka?" Owaru, his younger brother, knocking
on the door.

"I'm fine!" he shouted angrily. "Don't come in here!" He
was glad that he had locked the door; his pesky younger brother would not bother
him.

When he felt *sure* that there was nothing left to remove from his digestive
track, he quickly turned on the bathtub and rinsed his puke away. Wincing at the
stench, Tsuzuku looked around for something to clean the tub with. I can't let
Hajime-niisan find this. He located a window glass cleaner and promptly sprayed
the tub with it. Good, it's lemon-scented. Hopefully, no one will notice the
smell.

"Aniki! What are you doing in there? Hurry up!"

"I'm cleaning the bathroom because SOMEBODY doesn't always hit the
mark!"

Tsuzuku finished cleaning the bathtub and moved to clean the toilet, as a
reinforcement of his lie. He did not lie often, but when circumstances reared
its head...I *am* cleaning the toilet. So I'm *not* lying, he rationalized. When
he finished cleaning the waste deposit, he promptly moved to clean the window,
since he was reluctant to leave the room. By now, his brothers noticed that
whenever he cleaned the bathroom, he *cleaned* the bathroom. The sink, the tiled
floor, the window, the toilet, the tub, the mirror. Everything.

"But you just cleaned it last week!"

Don't remind me. He had tried a similar trick last week, drinking two cups of
bleach mixed with two cups of powdered bleach. It did not work, although the
puke, when washed down, made the tub cleaner. Toxic? Yeah, right. "If
swallowed, contact the nearest poison center immediately." Like anyone
would need to. Bleach can't kill anything but germs and insects.

"Well, if you were a little more CAREFUL when you used the toilet, I
wouldn't have to always clean it! We can't leave our bathroom like this! It
would disgust Matsuri, and we can't expect to HER to clean it." He washed
the tiles, the sink, and then the mirror. He wiped the shiny glass twice, trying
to avoid his own gaze. It was useless. His auburn eyes, almost red, stared back
at him.

Strangely fascinated by his reflection, he stared at himself. He had
golden-red hair, high cheekbones, and a fine face structure. Only sixteen, he
was by far the most beautiful person in his family, although his younger brother
Amaru showed potential. Even his pretty cousin, Matsuri, once complained how
unfair it was that a boy was prettier than she was.

He examined his face, then his neck, where he had tried to slit last week.
The razor, instead, broke on his skin. Only further proof that I'm not normal.
None of his other brothers seemed to care that *they* were not normal, but it
bothered *him.* He was sick of the dreams that haunted his sleep and flooded his
refuge with nightmares every night. Dreams of dragons, of death, of power.

He was sick of always hiding his abilities, of watching students at school
and knowing that he could never make any friends outside of the family. It was
too much of a risk, something may slip, and the powers of his brothers would be
known. Hiding our abilities is the number one priority. Bitterly, the second
oldest Ryudo brother smiled at his reflection. As someone that was *not* normal,
he had to be constantly conscious of his every movement. He had to constantly
monitor himself at school, to make sure that none of his abilities were showing,
that every move that he took was measured to be similar to that of a normal
teenager. He was discouraged from joining any sports, his physical abilities so
far exceeded those of his peers that discovery would surely occur.

How can they *stand* it? None of his other brothers seemed to be disturbed by
their differences. Hajime, instead, concentrated on raising the family. Their
parents had orphaned them seven years ago, leaving only Hajime in charge. He was
now only twenty, but he assumed the role of "father" to his brothers,
rather than "elder brother." His younger brothers, Owaru and Amaru,
did not seem to care at all, so long as they did not have to hide their
abilities at home. At school, they controlled themselves, at home, they were
free to do whatever they liked, so long as it did not attract the attention of
his neighbors.

But then...Owaru and Amaru were young, innocent. Owaru was only twelve, Amaru,
nine. They had each other, and so they cared nothing about interacting with
their peers. Hajime was always too busy trying to keep the family together,
finding a job as a teacher and earning an income to provide for his family. And
Tsuzuku? Tsuzuku was alone.

I thought I would have been used to this by now. He had been alone ever since
his parents died, when he was only nine. Amaru had only been three then, Owaru
five. Immediately, Hajime was forced to look for a part-time job while he was in
high school, and so it had fallen upon Tsuzuku to look after his two younger
siblings. And so, he had cared for them, watched them, looked after them. And
so...although they did not do so intentionally, they treated *him* differently
from each other. To each other, they were brothers; they laughed and joked and
played each other. But they figured that he was never interested in the same,
because they *respected* him, as *another* fatherly figure in their lives.

He had hoped things would change when he entered high school. But they did
not. Banned from sports, he ended up doing more intellectually based activities,
like reading. He had even joined a few academic clubs at school, in hopes of
making a few friends. But it was useless. First off, he *still* had to be
careful around others, to the point where he felt like avoiding people in
general. Second...his looks. He was so beautiful that his presence caused heads
to turn in his direction wherever he walked. Girls in his clubs all immediately
fell in love with him, and as a result, avoided him for fear of embarrassing
themselves. Or, they would try to go out with me, rather than try to be my
friend. But if making friends was a risk, finding oneself a lover was certainly
out of the question.

And the guys. His beauty made the members of his own sex uncomfortable. They
were jealous of the fact that all the girls they had crushes on all fell in love
with *him.* Consequently, many hated him. Furthermore...he was so beautiful that
some of them felt attracted to him, and attributed the nervousness they felt
around him to their dislike of him. Some were in deep denial and so, hated him
to the very core.

After a while, he had simply quit all his clubs, and avoided the other
students in general. And after running into a few previous members, he had
realized that doing so only made the rest of them feel relief. Relief that he
was gone, that he was no longer among them. And that had hurt, to know that the
absence of your presence made others feel comfortable.

And slowly, his mask built. He learned to throw back the subtlest and most
hurtful insults whenever he was targeted by a group of guys at his school. It
was so frustrating, to know that he could take on any of them in less than two
seconds, and not be able to do a thing to them. And so, words became his weapon,
cutting and cold insults. Words to show them what fools they were, how inferior
they were, how they could not touch him. Words that cut through their souls and
hit their hearts, insults that could make any of them cry. And so, they hated
him, but they left him alone because they were afraid of him.

They were afraid of him.

He was different.

And the mask continued to build, until it was perfect. He could not be
touched by anyone. Neither by the hatred of those of his own sex, nor by the
gushing and sickening admiration by the members of his opposite sex. Nothing
could touch him. Nothing did.

And so he spent his past time reading. When he had a book, he could pretend
himself normal. Words did not talk back to him. He could easily immerse himself
into a story, take on the role of a normal person, a person with friends and who
was not shunned by his peers. Someone that was *not* Ryudo Tsuzuku.

He *hated* the person that stared back at him. The beautiful boy with the
abilities of speed and strength that exceeded those of Olympic champions. The
kid at school that no one wanted to be friends with, the male that was shunned
by his half of his peers and adored by the other. The detached brother that felt
distant from his family.

The only one outside of the immediate family that knew of the brothers'
abilities was Matsuri. Fifteen, she visited them daily and often did house work
for them. At first, he had hoped that he would find a companion in her, but he
quickly realized that the only person *she* felt close to in the family was
Hajime. Hajime, and no one else. And so, Tsuzuku stood back and watched
detachedly as the bond between the two grew, to the point where it was obvious
who *she* was in love with.

It was not that the second oldest Ryudo wanted her affections, he simply
wanted a friend that knew who he was. Matsuri came near to it, but not quite; as
she spent all her past time with Hajime. She WAS a friend, but not a close one.

Sighing, Tsuzuku finally finished cleaning the mirror. He tossed the rag that
he had been wiping the cold glass with and then retreated to the sanctuary of
his room. There, he carefully cleaned the glass bottle that had held the
powdered arsenic. Obviously, the toxic was not poisonous enough. He gathered the
broken pieces of glass and what remained of the powder that he had consumed so
readily the night before and tossed it into a plastic bag. He slid the bag
underneath his bed; he would toss it out tomorrow.

Tired, Tsuzuku climbed into his bed. Lying on his back, he stared at the
ceiling, crossing something off on a mental list.

Toxic#5 -- arsenic. Failed.

"Can I sit here?"

He looked up, surprised. The speaker was the new kid, the transferee. Tsuzuku
had assumed that, by now, the boy would have learned to stay away from him from
the other males in his class. Evidently, not. He nodded slightly, and returned
to his book.

And found that the other boy was studying him.

"What?" He asked, irritated, preparing another insult mentally.

The other boy shook his head, his long red hair swaying with the movement.
"Nothing. It's just that...there's something special about you."

Tsuzuku felt panic. Did he slip? Did the boy know? "Thank you," he
said coldly. "I'm so *pleased* to know that every student that transfers
here notices how beautiful I am." Go away, leave me alone. I'm vain, see?
Off you go, run along now.

Instead, the other boy laughed, his green eyes sparkling with amusement.
"That's not what I meant. I mean, that's true, you *are* more attractive
than most others at our school, but that's not what I'm referring to." He
shook his head slightly. "Not that I'm hitting on you," he said
hurriedly.

"Ah." Tsuzuku pointedly ignored the boy, returning to his book. The
other boy did the same, and Tsuzuku felt irritated that he had to share his
table space with someone. I should have turned him down.

"Minamino Shuuichi. Hajimemashite."

"Ryudo Tsuzuku. Yoroshiku." He responded automatically, before he
realized that he was talking to the annoying guy next to him. Hajime had taught
everyone of the family to be polite, and it was ingrained in his system.

Minamino Shuuichi was a pretty and androgynous being. At first glance, a
normal human being would mistake him to be a girl. But Tsuzuku was not normal,
and he knew that the other was a boy. The latter sported bright, red hair, a
slim facial structure, and lively green eyes.

And suddenly, while talking to him, Tsuzuku sensed something else different
about him as well. Something...powerful. Tsuzuku frowned slightly. His instincts
NEVER failed. There was something about Minamino Shuuichi that was...unsettling.
Could he be a possible enemy? Tsuzuku had to try to find out.

And so, Tsuzuku suddenly smiled, his features lighting up.

Then, the two started talking. They chattered about mundane things, like
school and books. Tsuzuku was surprised to learn that the red head *actually*
HAD a brain, unlike many of his peers. But the Ryudo was cautious, because he
could not shake the feeling that the person he was talking to was laughing
deeply, inside, within his own mask. Not at Tsuzuku, in particular, but at
everyone and everything in general.

Meeting the other's gaze, Tsuzuku could swear that he saw a flash of gold
there, and another face replacing that of Shuuichi's. But the revelation lasted
only a mili-second, too fast before he could register it. It was not that
Shuuichi had another face, it was just another one of Tsuzuku's instincts.

This person that I'm talking too...is not normal.

"Oi, Hajime-aniki!" The third eldest Ryudo ran to greet his other
brother, who had just come home from work.

"What is it, Owaru?"

"Tsuzuku cleaned the bathroom again."

Hajime looked at him in surprise. That was a total of five times the entire
month that Tsuzuku had cleaned the bathroom, more times than the last year
combined. He frowned. Something was wrong.

"Maybe Niisan just likes cleaning," said Amaru, his blue eyes laced
with worry.

"Where is he?"

"In his room."

And they had become friends. It was the first time that Tsuzuku had ever made
a friend at school. Shuuichi hung around him at school, in the library, and
Tsuzuku eventually accustomed himself to the redhead's presence. It was strange,
to talk to someone that WANTED to talk to you, not because he HAD to. Hell,
Tsuzuku had been surprised when the boy had struck up a conversation with him in
class the next day, let alone the next day, and the day after that...

Soon, Tsuzuku found himself seeking the latter's company. It was not much,
but it was better than nothing. And so, they talked about books they've read,
argued about characters in novels, and agreed about the plotlines of other
works. Shuuichi, surprisingly, had a sharp mind, and read many works outside of
those assigned.

But he knew, he sensed that the real reason that Shuuichi hung around him --
the boy was curious. Evidently, Tsuzuku must have slipped somewhere, the other
boy saw, and THAT was how he knew that Tsuzuku had a secret. There could be no
other explanation.

That was fine with him. He did not want any close friends, because he could
not slip. And as nice as Shuuichi was, he could not be trusted with the family
secret. And so, Tsuzuku kept up his side of their pretense friendship -- after
all, the only reason he STAYED friends with Shuuichi was because he knew that
the redhead had a secret too.

And so they remained friends, in appearance only. Both talked through their
masks, trying to learn the secret of the other. Both kept up the continual
conversations, the long talks.

Gradually, Tsuzuku began to sense a dying in the redhead's curiosity.
Instead, it was replaced by...something else. It dawned to him, one day, while
they were in the library in conversation, that Minamino Shuuichi now sought
Ryudo Tsuzuku's company because he liked it.

It was shocking.

To find yourself a friend that accepted you as you were, even though they did
not know the real you...it was...strange.

And as the pretense faded from Shuuichi, even though he kept his guard on his
secret, Tsuzuku's own pretense began to wear down. He found, to his horror, that
he actually liked the company of the red head. Worst yet, now that he had a
friend, he didn't know what he was going to do without one.

It was...unsettling.

And yet, having a friend brought a strange source of happiness.

"Tsuzuku? Tsuzuku, open the door." Hajime knocked politely.

No response.

"I guess he's sleeping."

The oldest Ryudo brother shrugged, and left to find his cousin.

Tsuzuku woke up to the pounding on his door. He was surprised to find himself
crying. He had been crying in his sleep, recalling the good times he had had
with his first friend in his dream, before their friendship had shattered.

Gradually, he also learned to care for his friend. It was hard not to like
Minamino Shuuichi, who could actually carry a conversation about a difficult
subject. Who excelled academically and could make Tsuzuku laugh. Who remembered
Tsuzuku's sixteenth birthday.

It had been quite a shock. None of the Ryudo brothers celebrated birthdays,
because they were all born on the same day -- January 17th. The only person who
ever went out of her way on that day to make it special was Matsuri. On that
day, she usually treated the four of them to a movie, and bought them all gifts,
although the gifts tended to be the same for each of them.

To receive a gift from another person was quite a shock. As far as he knew,
no one at school knew when his birthday was.

He looked up at Shuuichi, who stood before his desk. The present was in a
gift bag, concealing its contents.

"Go ahead, open it."

"How did you know?"

"I asked your cousin. She's kinda cute."

Feeling a strange sense of anticipation, Tsuzuku opened the first birthday
gift that had even been given freely and made especially towards him.

It was a potted rose. A beautiful, red rose. It was strange to see a rose
bush trimmed enough to be potted, Shuuichi must have been an excellent gardener.
There were two other buds, both in the process of opening. The roses were
fascinating to look at, beautiful but still with their thorns upon their stems.

"Careful, I left the thorns on. They're prettier that way."

"...Thank you..."

Shuuichi smiled. "Happy birthday. Do you want me to help you plant
them?"

And as much as Tsuzuku wanted to, he was afraid to invite Shuuichi over. He
might see something he was not supposed to, from one of the younger brothers.
And so, reluctantly, he refused. "No...I can do it myself. It would be an
interesting experience, I think."

Shuuichi nodded, a little hurt but not too terribly, Tsuzuku hoped.

And the Ryudo potted the rose in the garden that day. Looking at it gave him
a sense of peace.

He still did not know Shuuichi's secret.

And he no longer cared.

Tsuzuku glanced at his list in dismay. He tried everything, and he still
could *not* die! He was immortal, and horribly so. I'm not normal!

Despairingly, he tore the paper up into shreds. "Damn."

The misery consumed him, and he felt no appetite.

Nobody cares.

And then he was struck by an inspiration.

He stole a long bread knife from the kitchen and examined it in his room. It
was long and sharp, almost unused, because Owaru like cutting his bread with the
butcher knife. (He enjoyed the noise it made.) It was jagged on the side, useful
for cutting hard bagels.

If he tried to cut himself, the knife would break on his skin.

Tsuzuku unplugged his lamp.

It had been one week since his arsenic attempt.

The knife breaks because scales appear on my skin to protect me. It was
frustrating, to have all this power and not know where it came from. To own it
and control it, but not know its purpose. To have it only to separate you from
others, and then be forced to hide it.

Scales can only come from outside.

Tsuzuku found the bag of arsenic underneath his bed and took out the glass
pieces.

My stomach pumps out poison.

Carefully, he took half of the glass and broke them into bite-sized pieces.

But if I get cut from the inside...

One by one, he carefully swallowed the sharp pieces. He swallowed them whole,
without biting.

If I hurt myself from the inside...

Pain shot up his throat, a terrible fiery pain that burned like crazy. He
forced himself to endure it, if he passed out, he would not be able to finish
his job. His eyes welled up with tears, but he ignored those as well, although
the liquid was rapidly blurring his vision. Tsuzuku began to panic. His gag
reflex made him want to throw up, the pain was overpowering.

Not...yet! I have to make sure I finish the job!

He took the knife and cut the chord of his lamp, revealing the wire.
Frantically, he ripped the wire out from the plastic that surrounded it. Then,
he slipped one end of the wire down his throat, and plugged the other one into
the electricity socket.

I hope it works this time.

The electricity hit him with full force.

And then, one day, he found himself thinking of Shuuichi. The way his emerald
eyes lit up when he smiled. The glossy hair. The beautiful face.

Shuuichi is beautiful, he realized. He stopped himself. What am I thinking?

And he ignored that thought, and although it did not go away completely, he
pretended that it never existed in the first place.

Shuuichi is beautiful.

He never said a word to the red head regarding this line of thought. Shuuichi
was a friend, nothing more. Although...lately the androgynous male was acting
strange as well.

And then, one day, while they were eating lunch outside, Shuuichi turned
towards him and spoke in a soft, serious tone.

"I think I'm in love with you."

Tsuzuku froze. At first, he was filled with a sense of joy that he had never
known. But as quickly as it came, it disappeared and he began to feel fear
instead. Fear, and panic. He never intended to make a friend this close. He
certainly did not set out upon looking for a lover. Hell, he could *not* have a
lover. It was out of the question. A friend, yes, a lover, no. And he never
wanted a friend in the first place. As tempting as the idea was, he could *not*
accept Shuuichi as a lover. In fact, the closeness they shared was getting
alarming, and he wondered if he should even keep him as a friend.

Shuuichi paled, and Tsuzuku realized that he spoke out loud. Horrified, he
looked at the redhead who stood suddenly, bowed, and ran off.

"Wait!"

Tsuzuku chased after him, in a slowed run. Surprisingly, however, Shuuichi
was fast. Very fast. The fake normal human run was not fast enough to catch him,
and Tsuzuku was forced to run at an almost normal (normal for him) pace.

Shuuichi climbed over the school wall and disappeared.

Tsuzuku looked at it hesitantly. If he jumped over it, it would arise
suspicion. Instead, he climbed over it as well.

But his hesitance cost him, for Shuuichi was gone as well.

"Oi, Aniki!" Owaru grabbed Hajime's newspaper out of his hands to
get his attention.

"What?" Hajime looked at him in annoyance. He did not get to read
his paper often, and --

TSUZUKU!!!

Hajime and Owaru ran upstairs in three seconds. Amaru was already in front of
Tsuzuku's door, trying in vain to open the locked door without damaging the
door.

Owaru did not feel the same. He slammed his shoulder against the door,
busting it down. The three Ryudo brothers ran into the room.

Tsuzuku was lying against the floor.

"TSUZUKU!!!!"

"ANIKI!"

"NIISAN!"

Shuuichi avoided him like crazy the next week. Uncertain of what to say,
Tsuzuku did not attempt to meet him. It was, after all, probably smarter if he
did. Making a friend, a close friend, was a dangerous thing. He had felt like
revealing his true self to Shuuichi so many times that it was no longer safe to
be near him. And with Shuuichi's confession, his world was thrown into
confusion. He was uncertain of his true feelings toward the red head, but he
knew that he could not support them, no matter what they were.

And so, he found himself avoiding Shuuichi as well. He could not bring
himself to talk to him, he was uncertain of what to say, of what to do. He
wanted advice from Hajime but was afraid of the answer. And so, he convinced
himself that Shuuichi was a friend, and nothing else. Not *even* a friend,
because Shuuichi did not know the real him, their friendship was fake,
artificial, built on lies.

And Shuuichi transferred once more.

And his heart died, because he realized that he DID enjoy the red head's
company. He felt cold inside, numb. Drained. Empty. And his mask came up again.
This one was colder, even meaner than before. And life resumed.

And one day, several months later, while walking home from the school, he
found someone waiting for him.

The person was a short being. But Tsuzuku could *feel* the power coming from
him. The person in question had short, black, spiky hair and dark, crimson eyes.
He was dressed in black, with a white scarf tied across his forehead. His right
arm was bandaged

The boy stood in his path. Tsuzuku tried to move around him, but the being
moved to block his path.

"Yes?"

The boy moved in one quick motion. He pointed a long, sharp katana at
Tsuzuku's neck. Tsuzuku only glanced at the sword in mild amusement.

"You bastard..." The dark haired boy spoke in a low, deep voice.
"You're the one who broke Kurama's spirit."

"Kurama? Who's Kurama?"

"You ningen call him Shuuichi. He's dead now, because of you." The
boy growled, and Tsuzuku tried to look afraid. Inside his mind was a turmoil.

Shuuichi? Kurama?

Dead?

"That he would give himself to you and earn your hatred in return...
You're disgusting. That he killed himself over a worthless human like
you..." The boy bristled with hatred and anger.

Killed himself...over me?

"I hope you're happy to know that you destroyed one of the few beautiful
things in this stinking world."

When a patient attempts to kill himself, there is usually very little a
doctor can do. Despair slows recovery. But this patient was no ordinary human.
Thus, the need for secrecy.

The patient was not exactly dying. He had apparently electrocuted himself and
swallowed glass. The first fried him, the second cut his internal organs. By all
rights, he should be dead. But he was not. Apparently, he survived, but was now
in agonizing pain because of the glass.

Carefully, the doctor monitored the patient's progress. The boy was alive,
and would not die, but he could possibly be trapped in this state of pain until
his death.

"You should take him to a hospital and get them to operate on his
stomach."

"If we COULD do that, we would have DONE so already, don't you
think?"

"Owaru!"

"Sorry."

"Please..." The youngest brother met the doctor's mismatched face
with his own. "Please...help us. We don't have a lot of money,
but...but...we can offer you services."

"Services?"

"If you ever need help doing anything, we, the Ryudo brothers, will help
you. We can steal things, beat up people, protect you...anything." The boy
picked up a vase and crushed it with one hand. "We're strong, see?"

"Amaru!"

The doctor shook his head slightly, his two-colored hair swaying with the
movement. "You don't have money? Then how did you get my number?"

"I have a friend that's a news reporter." The oldest explained.

The doctor examined the patient. He looked back at the brothers, and nodded
his head. "I'll see what I can do."

"And for that...you deserve death."

The other boy swiftly attacked him. He was surprisingly fast. Tsuzuku dodged
the blade, not because he was afraid of getting hurt, but because he did not
want to ruin his clothes. He tried his best to look afraid, to satisfy his
opponent, if nothing else. The boy's speed was surprising.

He's not human either!

Tsuzuku glanced around his surroundings. They were on an abandoned road, so
he supposed he *could* use his powers. Defense was allowed. But if he did that,
the other boy might tell Shuuichi about Tsuzuku's powers.

Wait. He couldn't do that.

Shuuichi was dead.

The shock of the news finally hit him. Shuuichi...dead. The bright green
eyes, the red hair, the amused little laugh...all of it, gone.

It was impossible.

Shuuichi *could* not be dead.

The blade landed inches from his face. Tsuzuku rolled away from it.

Concentrate on the fight!

Cuts appeared all over his clothing. The short guy was *fast.* Possibly
faster than Tsuzuku. The shorter boy landed from another attack, frowning
slightly. Tsuzuku didn't care.

Shuuichi's DEAD!!!

Tsuzuku had to call and check.

But he never went to Shuuichi's house because he did not want to feel
obligated to invite Shuuichi over. And he never got Shuuichi's number because he
did not want to give his own number out. They had never hung out outside of
school, and Tsuzuku had not been sure that he had wanted to. And so, they had
never exchanged numbers or any of that sort.

But this short kid knew Shuuichi. In fact, he might be able to tell him.
Tsuzuku stood up and felt the force of the blade slam him into the wall.

The shorter boy jumped back, his frown deepening. He looked at his blade in
astonishment, as it *cracked* and the pieces fell, becoming useless.

"Are you finished with your stupid game?" Tsuzuku asked, sitting
up. The blade had broken against his skin, and did not go through. But he still
felt the impact of the blade, and that had, surprisingly, hurt. "As if
attacking an unarmed normal school boy with a sword would give you a good
fight."

"You of all people should know that you are not normal, dragon."
The shorter boy sheathed his broken blade.

Recovering from the shock of the words spoken, Tsuzuku could only stare in
astonishment as the other boy pulled off the white cloth against his forehead,
revealing a third, large purple eye.

An alien!

"If you were a normal human, you would be dying a slow, agonizing death
at this instant. But you aren't. You're a dragon disguised as a human."
Power emanated from the boy, so like a child in appearance. Slowly, he began to
ceremoniously remove the bandage on his arm, while Tsuzuku only felt horror at
the words spoken.

"HIEI! What the hell do you think you're doing? Stop it!" From out
a nowhere, a third boy ran towards the shorter one and gripped his arms around
the one called Hiei, restraining him. The new comer had dark green hair, which
was slicked back, and large brown eyes. He was wearing a green school uniform.

"Yuusuke. Let go of me."

"The hell I will! If you kill another human, Koenma's gonna grill
you!"

"I don't care anything for that brat. If--" Hiei's voice broke off
in surprise, as Yuusuke calmly slammed his head into the back of the shorter
boy's in a hard head bunt.

Hiei's dark ruby eyes glimmered in anger. "Temee...Yuusuke..."

"Kurama wouldn't want you to do this."

"If Kurama was smarter, he wouldn't have fallen in love with that
bastard." The voice was uncommonly bitter. Hiei, however, stopped
struggling. He pushed himself from his friend's grip and stepped freely away. He
did not, however, attack.

Satisfied, Yuusuke
turned and eyed Tsuzuku, who was watching him cautiously.

"So you're the @#%$ that that Kurama fell in love with," he
said contemptuously. "Even if you didn't
feel the same way, you *could* have told him so without breaking your
friendship."

The words stung more than any blow, as they held truth within them. The other
boy continued relentlessly.

"Kurama's smart, beautiful, and fun to hang around. He's compassionate
and kind. He's the perfect guy. If he wasn't the wrong gender, I'd go for him in
a second. And of all people he has to fall in love with, it HAS to be you."
Yuusuke snorted in disgust. "He kept saying there was a friend of his that
he wanted us to meet, but you never showed up. I guess we should have taken that
as a sign of the deceitful bastard you are beneath.

"Kurama's not like other people. If you didn't feel the same way, you
could have told him, and he would have dropped the matter. He wouldn't try to
push you into a relationship that you did not want." The other boy was
angry. "It's funny...I never thought he would become friends with someone
who was so narrow-minded and homophobic. I thought he had better taste than
that.

"Instead, you avoid him like he had some sort of disease after he
confessed his feelings for you. Do you know how *hard* it must have been for him
to confess himself to you? You didn't even have the decency to tell him that you
just wanted to remain friends, and forget the whole incident. You..." His
brown eyes met the Ryudo's auburn.

"You lost your chance at obtaining the greatest happiness you'd ever
know. You didn't just lose it, you destroyed it."

"He sure is pretty, isn't he?" The doctor's assistant, standing on
a stool for a better look, examined the doctor's patient. She was a small child,
of five, perhaps, with short brown hair and glassy, brown eyes. Her skin had a
peculiar shine to it, although none of the Ryudo brothers felt it was in their
place to comment on how strange she looked.

The doctor continued writing down measurements of the patient's health
status. After a moment, he looked at the eldest Ryudo. "Is there a modern
facility we may move him to?"

Silence, as the eldest Ryudo struggled to come up with one. Helplessly, he
shrugged.

The doctor observed the response quietly and nodded in understanding. "I
know of a private hospital a little while from here. The owner owes me a favor,
so he will give us a private room. I'm afraid, however, it will neither be free
nor inexpensive."

Hajime nodded in assent. Owaru tugged on his arm, distracting him.

"Aniki, can I talk to you for a second?"

Hajime bowed towards the doctor. "Excuse us for a moment." He left
the room with his younger brother, the two of them entering the hall together.

"Oi, Aniki!" Owaru whispered loudly when they were outside of the
room. "Are you sure you trust this guy? He looks weird." The doctor,
as Owaru was referring to, had half of his face grafted with a different skin
color and perhaps, as result, two different hair colors. The right side of his
face, which looked Japanese, sported white hair. The left side, which had darker
skin, supported black hair.

"Owaru. Haven't I taught you not to judge people based on their
looks?" Hajime sighed. "We don't really have a choice."

Outside of the events of their births, none of the Ryudos have ever been
inside of a hospital. They were remarkably healthy, none of them had ever
injured any bones or sprained any ligaments. None of them have ever been ill
enough to warrant a trip to the hospital. They had so long avoided health
centers that Hajime was uncertain of what would happen if they took Tsuzuku
there. The Ryudos were unlike normal humans...it was probable that their heart
rate, temperature, and other measurements were not average. And if anybody found
out how inhuman the Ryudos were...

"But who is he?" Owaru pressed, not liking the idea of leaving the
care of his older brother to a stranger.

"He's an unlicensed underground doctor named Black Jack. Shinkai-sempai
once researched him for an article, but never printed it. He's a skilled surgeon
who doesn't talk. Usually he charges only what you can give; which, for the
types of patients he gets, is a lot." Seeing his brother's disbelieving
look, Hajime sighed. "Thousands. Millions, some times, all depending on the
situation. We're lucky he's willing to help us even though we can't pay him
much."

Owaru's eyes widened. "Oh..." He looked around, suddenly recalling
his youngest brother that struck the bargain. "Where's Amaru?"

"C'mon, Hiei. We're on suicide watch."

The shorter boy looked at the speaker in surprise. "You mean..."

"What, you didn't really think that poison would kill him, did
you?" Yuusuke grinned. "Even if it was a Makai plant... He sure had us
fooled. Telling us that he just wanted to recover from yesterday's fight,
although the fact that he got hurt yesterday was his fault, too. Serves him
right that I forced him to throw it all up. He almost had us."

Slowly, Tsuzuku absorbed the bizarre things that were being said. "You
mean he's alive?"

Yuusuke looked at him in contempt. "He might as well be dead; he's been
trying to kill himself over you."

With that, the two boys left, leaving the Ryudo alone with his thoughts.

For the next week, Tsuzuku forced himself to talk to students he disliked at
school, the girls that fawned over him, the boys that hated him... He forced
himself to ask those that *seemed* to know Shuuichi...or at least, had spoken to
him at school. He asked around for Shuuichi's phone number.

It was not easy. Most of the other students tended to avoid or ignore him
when he walked up to them. And they all were astonished that he didn't have the
red head's phone number, seeing as how "close you two had been." It
turned out that none of them had his number, either.

At last, one girl who had been obsessed with Shuuichi gave Tsuzuku his
number, in exchange for a lock of Tsuzuku's hair. Reluctantly, he had given it
and that day, he immediately went home and called it. He spoke with Shuuichi's
mother, who said that he was spending the night at a friend's house, and gave
him Yuusuke's address.

It was so easy.

The house was within walking distance.

But if he saw him, what would he say?

What if he only hurt the other boy even more?

Tsuzuku found that his original uncertainties had resurfaced, and that he was
still unsure of how he felt around his former friend.

Amaru watched his sleeping brother worriedly. The fairest of the Ryudos
moaned in his sleep, clearly in pain.

"Tsuzuku..." Amaru whispered, the tears flowing more freely now
that his other brothers weren't watching. "Niisan...please...don't
die...." He wiped his eyes and talked to the other boy, as if he were
awake. "Why?

Amaru had been the one who found the powder on the ground that Hajime had
told him to stay away from. He was also the first to notice the wire on the
ground, which must have slipped out of Tsuzuku's mouth. And he had overheard
Hajime telling Owaru that the person who had done this to Tsuzuku was Tsuzuku.

The youngest Ryudo couldn't understand it. Why would his brother want to hurt
himself? Why would anyone try to kill himself, why? For what reason was there
that overpowered nature's instinct towards survival and cause a being to turn
upon himself? "Why did you do it? Do you hate us? Do you wish you weren't
with us? Have we been nothing but a burden to you?" Choking back a sob, he
looked at the doctor solemnly. "Black Jack-sensei...is he going to
die?"

The doctor watched him carefully, before deciding how he should answer.
"By all rights, he *should* be dead. Since he's not already, I find it very
unlikely that he will soon. But the glass has caused a lot of damage to his
internal organs, and if one of the vital ones ceased functioning, then he will
die." He glanced at the patient before he spoke again to the youngest Ryudo.
"Get your brothers. The sooner we operate, the better the chances of his
survival."

Finally, he had mustered the courage to go see his friend. How could he be so
selfish as to worry about his own feelings when his friend was dying on his own
account? If nothing else, he had to see that Shuuichi recovered... They were
friends, if nothing else. But no friendship was worth dying over.

And so, Tsuzuku found the house. He felt an odd sensation, one that he had
not experienced in a long while.

Fear mixed with anticipation.

He was at the side of the house before he noticed that someone else was
coming. Not wishing for a repeat of his last encounter with Shuuichi's friends,
he quickly ducked into some nearby bushes, and hid himself the best he could
while watching the intruder.

The approacher was the short boy from before, Hiei. A slight aura radiated
from him, Tsuzuku could *feel* it. Energy. Tsuzuku forced himself to relax
completely, and not breathe, only watch.

The other boy did not notice him. Instead, he silently opened a window that
was only a few feet to the left of Tsuzuku, and hopped inside.

Carefully, Tsuzuku rose from his hiding place, moved beneath the window, and
slowly, carefully, lifted his head and glanced in.

The Ryudo brothers had excellent vision, far excelling those of normal
humans. Not the exception, Tsuzuku could see, even from his distance away,
Shuuichi.

His former friend was lying on bed, covers partially covering the lower half
of his body and eyes closed. He was ill, it was evident from a single glance.
His normal healthy complexion was slack and pale. Beads of sweat clung to his
damp forehead, his pretty red hair darker and dirtier than usual.

He was not wearing a shirt. Instead, bandages stained brown were wrapped
sporadically over his upper torso. Some on his arms, several layers over his
chest. Evidently, he had been in a fight, and from the looks of it...he had not
won.

Silently, Hiei moved to the side of the bed. He stared at his friend with an
unreadable expression on his face.

Even in his sleep, even with bruises all over his face and body, with
bandages over his upper torso, with his hair damp from sweat, with the pale,
sickening complexion that spoke of illness --

Shuuichi was beautiful.

After he finished regarding his friend for a minute, Hiei moved his arm, his
black cloak rustling with the movement. He placed a hand against Shuuichi's
cheek, gently gripping it, his bottom fingers holding onto the chin. Then, he
turned the redhead's face to face his own, leaned in, and kissed him.

The kiss lasted half of a minute. Tsuzuku could sense a change occurring, a
shift of balance of some kind, but he did not know what.

Then, Hiei pulled away and observed his friend silently once more, as did
Tsuzuku.

Shuuichi's skin had regained some of its color.

Tsuzuku moved quickly into the bushes once more, when he realized that Hiei
was leaving. Thankfully, the bushes were large and untrimmed, being neglected
and allowed to grow every which way with no care towards its aesthetic value.

Hiei silently jumped out of the window. He did not notice Tsuzuku, his mind
elsewhere, although Tsuzuku noticed *him*. The Ryudo could no longer sense the
aura he had felt earlier. If anything, he observed, Hiei looked weakened.

The shorter boy flickered out of view.

Tsuzuku heard movement coming from the room, a rustling of fabric. Carefully,
he glanced into the corner of the window.

Shuuichi was awake, and sitting upright. His expression was one of thought,
so deep into thought that he did not notice anything else around him. His
fingers lingered over the lips that Hiei had just touched earlier.

And slowly, the lips curled into a slight smile.

A patient who tries to kill himself by electrocution and who survives is no
ordinary patient. Despair and depression were items that needed to be combated,
yes, but so did the body's natural defenses.

Moving on the side of caution, the doctor gave the Ryudo anesthesia, the
proper equipment covering the boy's nose and mouth, allowing him to inhale the
narcotic. After studying the graphs and charts that indicated where the glass
pieces were located, Back Jack took the scalpel and prepared for an incision.

The scalpel broke against the patient's skin, and it soon became apparent why
the boy had NOT died from the electrocution.

"Scalpel."

Pinoko, his small girl-child assistant, wordlessly handed him another one.

This one, too, broke.

Black Jack looked at Hajime, the only brother present, and spoke through his
surgeon's mask.. The eldest brother had forbidden Owaru and Amaru from being
present at the surgery, and was, thus, the only one presiding. "I cannot
operate on him if his skin is impenetrable. Suggestion?"

Frowning, Hajime touched his younger brother's forehead from the other side
of the operating table. Instinctively, he knew what to do. He closed his eyes
and commanded the other not to awaken, not to attempt to awaken, it was too soon
to awake. Let him be hurt, let this man help, do not allow the dragon to awaken.
There is not danger here, no harm, it was too early to wake. Silently, he forbid
the other from awakening, he commanded the other to *allow* this. To trust him,
them, both. When their destinies would force them to, *that* was the time to
awaken.

Tsuzuku relaxed considerably.

Using his third scalpel, Black Jack began the operation.

And Tsuzuku left the neighborhood.

He understood now.

Hiei had been in love with "Kurama" as well; *that* was why he was
so bitter. And that was why Tsuzuku could trust him to take care of Shuuichi. He
*would* have to trust the little guy to, he certainly couldn't trust himself.

Shuuichi would recover from his broken heart with the aid of the short boy,
the one who *did* know his secret.

There was no need for Tsuzuku to interfere.

Tsuzuku realized that he still did not know Shuuichi's secret.

And it no longer mattered.

Shuuichi was in good hands. He had someone who *could* reciprocate his
feelings, someone who *could* be close friends with, someone he *could* share
all of his secrets with. Someone who had just given him some of his *own* energy
to speed the recovery.

Tsuzuku could offer nothing. Their shallow friendship could never move past
its current stage. They could not be close friends, they could not be lovers. If
he DID pay Shuuichi a visit, it would serve only to injure the boy further, as
it would be to end their friendship once and for all.

Better to simply not do it. If nothing else, to wait until Shuuichi was
emotionally stable enough to handle it.

He recalled the slight smile, and hoped that, for Shuuichi's sake, the other
boy would fall in love again. He knew that Hiei would not harm him, and would
prevent him from harming himself further.

Surprisingly, he felt a bitter sensation. Sorrow. Never mind that he, too,
had been in love with Shuuichi. It could go nowhere, and it was best to end it
now. It was better for all of their sake's: Shuuichi, Hiei, and himself.

So why did he feel so sad? So bitter? So lonely?

He knew why. And he knew that he would just have to get over it.

But the pain did not go away. In the weeks that followed, the pain
intensified until he could bear it no longer. He wanted to find Shuuichi, tell
him everything, confess everything. He resisted. He wanted to fight Hiei again,
for different reasons. He didn't. He wanted the sorrow to end, he wanted to
recover from *his* heart break. He couldn't.

He wanted things to return to how they were before. When they did, he
discovered that *that* was not what he wanted, for it solved nothing and only
made things worse. The former happiness could never be recovered again, nothing
changed, and compared to the memories, his life was becoming hell. Back to the
routine of pretense, of not having anyone to talk to, of not being accepted.

And he now learned a great lesson: he would always be lonely.

He wished that he could stop feeling. Feeling guilt, regret, sorrow,
pain...everything.

And that was when he made a list of possible ways to end his suffering.

He woke up and felt a terrible pain in his stomach. I'm alive. *AGAIN*! I've
failed once more. He was staring at a ceiling he did not recognize.

His stomach ached, and he moved to sit up. Immediately, he found himself
pressed down by familiar hands. Hands that held him in his childhood, hands that
comforted him when he was younger. Hajime.

"Don't move," his older brother whispered.

Tsuzuku looked towards his body, found someone operating on it, and felt
panic rise, heavily laced with confusion. What the hell's going on?

The patient had apparently awoken, and in his great alarm, his body began to
heal.

Frantically, Hajime *commanded* Tsuzuku to sleep.

To both his and the doctor's relief, he did.

And the operation continued.

"Aniki, how is he?"

"He's fine; he's asleep." Hajime forced himself to smile, to
attempt to reassure his own brothers a feeling he did not share.

When Dr. Black Jack had removed all the glass pieces, he had also found
traces of all sorts of substances in Tsuzuku's stomach, ranging from a variety
of substances.

Tsuzuku has been trying to kill himself for a while, and no one had noticed.
The constant cleaning of bathrooms, the missing knives, the broken razor blade,
the missing bleach, the shopping trips. The time he was hit by that truck, the
class field trip to see Tokyo Tower, the extra long baths, the rope found
downstairs, the time he accidentally burned himself, and a larger variety of
other small peculiarities clicked into place. Those alone should have told his
brothers. One would think that his brothers would *eventually* notice, but they
didn't, not even things that they *should* have... The changes in Tsuzuku, for
example. The detached expression, the eating of meals in his own room, the
irritability that came and went, the sharp tongue sometimes used on his
brothers...

Hajime felt like pounding his head against the wall. How could they have been
so stupid? Why didn't they notice? Even though he worked, it was no excuse for
his neglect. Why didn't his younger brothers ask? But Tsuzuku was never an open
person, and so rarely did they speak about themselves to him...

But how could no one have seen this? This had been occurring since the last
*MONTH*. Not days, not weeks...*MONTH.*

How could they have been so stupid...?

How could they not see?

Was it too late to change his mind?

"Are you awake?"

Tsuzuku blinked. He ran his mind through a mental catalogue and promptly came
to the conclusion that he did not recognize the voice, nor the person that was
speaking to him. Where...?

His throat was dry and raspy. His head had a dull ache as well did his
stomach. His stomach. Another suicide attempt had failed. "I'm alive,"
he noted bitterly. He sighed and looked quietly the person who had spoken to
him.

The being was not looking at him, scribbling notes on a clipboard instead. He
had dark skin and black hair. Or so Tsuzuku thought, until the former turned
around, revealing a face that had dark and light skin, black hair and white
hair. The stitches that ran across the man's face was the divider between the
multiple skin colors. He was wearing black tuxedo over a white collared shirt,
sported with a thin red bow tie, and a black mantle hanging over his shoulders.

"Who are you?" Tsuzuku asked calmly, not indicating any of the fear
he felt in his sixteen-year old body. I can take him out in two seconds, then
run out the door. Actually going out the door is probably stupid... There are
probably lots of people outside. Maybe I should go out the window. Jump out the
window, maybe I'll get killed. Yeah, right. Like falling out a building will
kill you after you've thrown yourself off of Tokyo Tower and survived.

"My name is Doctor Black Jack. Your oldest brother brought you to my
care. I've taken the liberty of removing all of the glass pieces from your
stomach, as well as pumping your stomach from any removing traces of poison --
although your body has already been doing an excellent job of doing so on its
own."

"Where are my brothers?" Does Hajime know what I've been trying to
do...?

"Amaru's outside, being kept company by Pinoko, my assistant. Owaru had
persuaded Hajime to drive him somewhere to get something to eat. You're in the
Akizuki Private Hospital in Chiba."

"I see." Slowly, Tsuzuku pushed himself partially up, so that he
could observe his doctor more carefully. If Niisan trusts him, then I guess I
have no choice but to do the same... After all, he dissected me... He must know
that there's something unusual about it. He began to laugh bitterly, as the
irony set in.

Here he was, sacrificing everything, *EVERYTHING* for the keeping of the
secret of the family... Distancing himself from a friend, making himself
unpopular at school, losing the only potential of having a lover...all for what?
To try killing yourself, failing, and then being rescued by a doctor who now
knows. It was useless, meaningless, pointless! What has he done with his life
but try to keep the secret from being revealed and now another person outside of
the family knew! And it was all his fault! He might as well run after Shuuichi
and tell him everything and beg for forgiveness...

Tsuzuku smashed THAT thought
as soon as it came and tried to keep his eye on his doctor. Thinking about
Shuuichi *hurt.*

"I hope that we can trust you to be discreet about us...?"

Black Jack gave his patient a brief smile. "I think that was why your
brother brought you to me. I'm an unlicensed doctor, so have no fear, your
family's secret is safe. I've seen stranger humans, stranger things..."

"Stranger 'humans'? Can you even call us that?" Tsuzuku laughed
bitterly, and then choked back a sob. To his horror, he found that his mask was
crumbling right in front of a stranger! But it was easier to indulge in telling
things to a stranger than to someone who knew you, a stranger couldn't compare
and judge how you acted to how you used to be...

The doctor observed him quietly. "Have you ever killed someone?"

"No."

"Do you torture small animals or children for pleasure? Do you rape
girls in the streets, do you break down houses and burn people in them? Have you
ever tried to push an old man into the street while a car is speeding by?"

"No!" Tsuzuku exclaimed, surprised by both the questions and how
horrified he was at the thought of committing such atrocities.

"But you *can*. You more, than any normal person, *can,* and can get
away it."

Tsuzuku glared at him. Was he intending to use us to get away with crimes?

The doctor continued. "But you choose not to, you have a set of morals.
*That* is what makes you human. I've seen people do all of those, and worse.
I've seen the effect of old biological chemical weaponry on young girls, girls
that develop anorexia and starve themselves to death. I've seen a man gunned
down just as he was about to step on his home soil, his last wish, and all that
was left of him was his hand hanging on the fence. Can you really call the
people who did those crimes 'human'? You, who have tremendous power and *choose*
not to abuse it, can you really call yourself inhuman? The reality is that you
are more human than any of those people, and doubting it will only bring you
pain."

Tsuzuku stared, his mind in turmoil. "But...that's different..."

"How so? Physically, yes, you are different from others. But everyone is
unique. No two humans have the same DNA as another. And is being different
wrong? Can you blame a homosexual for his different orientation? Can you hate a
little boy who is of a different skin color, just because he was born that
way?" Black Jack smiled briefly, touching the darker side of his face
unconsciously and running his finger over the smooth stitches that separated his
two skins.

Tsuzuku could only watch him thoughtfully.

"Now," said the doctor as he sat on a chair besides the bed,
"Do you want me to get your brothers?"

To see his brothers now? Now, after they knew about his numerous suicide
attempts, now after he'd forced them to reveal their secret to another? To face
Amaru's sadness, Owaru's anger, Hajime's disappointment? Tsuzuku shivered
slightly. Why didn't he die! Why couldn't it all just go away? Why couldn't he
just sleep? Is this how his existence would always be? Would he lived forever
like this, trapped in a body that couldn't be hurt and constantly feeling pain?
He shuddered, and tried not to cry. But another sob escaped his throat and he
soon found something warm and wet sliding down his cheek. He wiped away at it
furiously. He would not cry in front of a stranger, and would definitely not cry
in front of his brothers! But it was too late, his resolution weakened and the
tears, though he tired to hold them back, slowly fell. He shook his head
slightly and spoke in a shaky voice. "Please don't tell them yet."

Black Jack watched him silently. "You're a little young for bottling up
your feelings. If you want to cry, then do it. Don't fight it so hard. Don't let
your pride get in the way of expressing who you really are."

The words filled Tsuzuku with shame and regret. And at the same time, he felt
relief. He turned his face away from his doctors and let the tears slide down
his face, just a little, until he was sure that they would not start up again so
easily. He was so weak! Here he was, sobbing like a baby in front of a stranger
and yet, he couldn't stop! It was so humiliating... But Black Jack was right, he
shouldn't be so prideful... The tears continued to flow, slightly easier than
before. When they stopped, he wiped his face and looked back at his doctor, who
smiled slightly.

"If you ever doubt your humanity, look upon your tears, for only humans
shed tears because of their emotions."

"Aniki... why do you think Tsuzuku-aniki did that to himself?"

Owaru and Hajime were waiting at in the inside of a restaurant for their
orders. At first, Hajime had been reluctant to leave the hospital while Tsuzuku
had been asleep, but Owaru pointed out that he and Amaru didn't eat anything
since Tsuzuku was taken to Black Jack. Then, Hajime had felt guilty for
neglecting his younger brothers and had taken Owaru to get something to eat,
while Amaru volunteered to stay in the hospital as a familiar face in case
Tsuzuku woke up.

The service at Sushi Fun was slow, giving the two ample of time to discuss
matters while waiting for their orders.

Hajime sighed, restraining himself from banging his head on the table, for
fear of alarming his brother and the other customers. "It's my fault... I'm
not fit to lead this family. I've neglected Tsuzuku and this is what
happens..."

"Aniki! It's not your fault!" Owaru almost banged his fist on the
table, then remembered that if he did so, the table might collapse. Instead, he
concentrated his attention on his older brother and lowered his voice. "No
one said it was because of you, Aniki. Tsuzuku-aniki had never told any of us
what was bothering him... it's his fault that...." His voice trailed off,
as he realized what he was starting to say. "Anyway," Owaru
emphasized. "It's not your fault. Tsuzuku-aniki should have been more open
to us."

Hajime fell silent. He knew that Owaru didn't blame him. But who else was
there to blame? He should have noticed that his younger brother was having
problems. He should have noticed the signs... How could he be so remiss? After
all those failed attempts, one would *think* that his older brother, the one
that cared for him when he was younger, would notice. How could he have been so
blind?

"What I want to know is *why* Tsuzuku-aniki would try to hurt himself. I
thought he seemed pretty happy for the last half of the year." Owaru looked
irritated, as he began to feel an irrational anger towards his suicidal brother.
"Remember when he planted a rose on our birthday? Or when he began waking
up earlier and earlier to go to school? Boy, he sure changed his mind quick! I
wished he told us SOMETHING..."

Something occurred to the oldest Ryudo. "Where *did* he get that rose?
Did you give it to him?"

Owaru was surprised by the question. "Me? No...Aniki, Amaru and I
figured that you gave it to him, for always taking care of us."

"...No..." Hajime frowned.

"Matsuri then?"

"No. I was with Matsuri the entire day before, she wanted help on
picking out everyone a gift. And then she gave up and decided to treat us all to
another Hong Kong action flick, remember?"

"Yeah, 'God of Gambles' was a great movie. I --" Owaru stopped. He
looked puzzled at Hajime. "So some friend gave Tsuzuku-aniki the flowers?
Must've been a girl. Aniki's so good-looking that anybody would fall in love
with him in a second." Owaru was proud of his brothers, in every which way.

"I guess..."

Owaru frowned. "So Tsuzuku-aniki's bummed because of some GIRL? That
doesn't seem like him..." His eyes darkened in irritation, and suddenly he
stood up, surprising his older brother with an outburst directed behind Hajime.
"Alright you, would you please stop staring at us and eat your own food?
Mind your own business and quit your eavesdropping."

Hajime turned around and found that the person Owaru had been addressing was
an effeminate looking young male. The male's face was very pale, contrasting
with his bright, red hair. His hands gripped the corner of his table hard, his
knuckles white. Across from him, not quite sitting on his chair but on TOP of
its back sat a short, small spiky-haired youth. The latter was glowering at the
floor, while the former had a strange gleam in his eye. Looking apprehensive, he
stood up and walked towards their table, leaving his companion behind.

Owaru glared at the redhead as he approached. "What do you want?"

"Sumimasen...did you say Tsuzuku? As in Ryudo Tsuzuku?"

"Who are you?" The second youngest Ryudo asked hostilely.

"Owaru!" Hajime admonished.

"I'm Minamino Shuuichi, one of Tsuzuku's former classmates. How is he? I
haven't seen him in a while..." The androgynous male's green eyes were
laced with concern. "Did you say he hurt himself...?"

"No, he's fine," Owaru lied. He glanced at Hajime, who disproved of
them lying, and then amended, "Ok, not exactly fine, but he will be."

"Oh." Conflicting emotions crossed over Minamino's face. Hajime
noticed that he was shaking slightly, and realized, upon closer inspection, that
the boy did not look in the best of health. Minamino looked sickly, and he
leaned one hand against the corner of their table, as if supporting himself from
collapsing. Smiling politely, Hajime spoke. "Would you and your friend like
to eat with us? We won't be here long, but..."

Enthusiasm mingled with hope danced into Minamino's green eyes. He glanced in
the direction of his companion, who was watching them expressionlessly, and then
back at Hajime. "I'd love to." He signaled the waitress, a pretty
young dark-haired woman, and indicated that he moved his seat. She nodded, then
glanced uncertainly at his companion. Reluctantly, the shorter boy left his
table as well, opting to stand near Minamino, who was now sitting.

"You can sit down, you know," Owaru said to Minamino's friend. He
received a disdainful look.

"Please forgive Hiei...he's not the most sociable of creatures."
Minamino gave a brief smile in the direction of his friend and then returned his
attention towards the older brother. "So, how is Tsuzuku? Is he in the
hospital? Can I visit?"

Hajime blinked in surprise at the barge of questions, and Minamino flushed
slightly.

"Forgive me for being so rude...it's just that...I wanted to see him
again..." His voice trailed off, he paused to take a moment to examine the
fine tables that Sushi Fun had to offer. He glanced up again, and smiled at the
waitress, who came over with the Ryudo's orders. "Never mind...please just
tell him that I hope he gets well soon...and to call me if he feels like
it." He looked up at the waitress. "May I borrow your pen?" At
her consent, he took her pen and scribbled a number on a napkin; then handed it
to Hajime, who accepted it.

"Oi, Aniki! We got the food, ya wanna go now?" Owaru dangled the
bag before Hajime's face.

Hajime nodded, swapping the bag with his hand. "It was nice meeting you,
Minamino-kun."

Minamino stared at the table thoughtfully. He looked up and nodded in
consent. "Likewise..."

"Ryudo Hajime. And this is Ryudo Owaru."

"Likewise, Ryudo-san."

"Ok, well, it was great meeting a friend of Tsuzuku, but we gotta
go." Owaru stood up. "Bye." He left the restaurant, leaving
Hajime no choice but to follow.

"Niisan?" The question asked was uncertain, tentative. "Tsuzuku-niisan,
are you awake?"

Reluctantly, Tsuzuku opened his eyes to find his youngest brother staring
down at his face. His mind was foggy, slowly waking from its rest. I was asleep?
Apparently, he had fallen asleep after talking to the doctor, and from a quick
survey of the room, the latter was no longer present. Blinking slowly, he turned
to Amaru.

"I am now..."

"Niisan..." Amaru collapsed into a sob, hugging his startled older
brother tightly. "Ni-niisan..." He cried for a few minutes, before
pulling away to face Tsuzuku. "Is it true? Did you do this to
yourself?"

Looking at the tear-streaked face filled Tsuzuku with shame. How could he
even think of dying while his brothers still needed him? That look of pure
innocence, the sad eyes...it made him so angry at himself that he almost wanted
to do it all over again. Slowly, looking down, he nodded.

"Why?"

One simple word, one simple question, a dozen inquiries. Why did he do it?
Why did he try to kill himself? Why didn't he talk to his brothers, why didn't
he confide in one of them when the pain was unbearable? Why would he even try?
Faced with just one question, Tsuzuku found that he could not answer. He
couldn't tell Amaru about Shuuichi, Amaru wouldn't understand. He couldn't talk
about the agonizing loneliness he felt, because Amaru would feel guilty for it.
He couldn't talk about his endless nights of soul-searching, of questioning
himself and finding out that there was no one he hated more than himself. He
could not bring himself to tell of the many half-attempts he tried at talking to
his brothers, only to be interrupted or brushed aside. He could not bring
himself to speak of any of this, of his pain, his thoughts, his feelings.

One simple question, no simple answers.

Tsuzuku could not bring himself to meet his younger sibling's eyes, and found
himself studying the bed instead.

"Do you..." Amaru sounded like he was about to choke. "Do you
wish that you had succeeded?"

How could he not? How could anyone who had gone through what he did not wish
that it worked? To fail so many times, to make so many mistakes...

To hurt so many people...

And now...to face the consequences of his actions. His brothers' reactions.

It was bound to happen. Sooner or later they would notice, wouldn't they? But
he had been hoping that he would succeed before they did.

And yet, part of him, a tiny part, felt relieved that they finally knew. Part
of him was tired of hiding from Hajime, and was glad to have the oldest Ryudo
know...to have the attentions of his older brother, to leave his problem for
Hajime to take care of...

How can I be so selfish? Tsuzuku sighed, and realized that he still did not
answer Amaru's question. Well, how do you honestly answer a question like that
without telling the truth?

Amaru choked back another sob. "You do, don't you?" He hugged
Tsuzuku tightly. "I'm sorry..." His arms tightened around his older
brother, until it became uncertain who was supposed to be comforting whom.
"I'm sorry we never knew... I'm so sorry..."

"It's not your fault. Don't apologize for something you didn't do,"
said Tsuzuku, becoming alarmed. He had no idea his act would affect his brothers
this way. He knew that they loved him, but it was still surprising to see Amaru
crying on his account. To see that Amaru cared... Tsuzuku felt his own tears
slowly collecting. He fought them back viciously. You idiot. Don't cry in front
of Amaru just because you're becoming sentimental. Just because you're surprised
to know that someone does care about what you do...why are you surprised? You
know that they love you. So why do you feel like crying now, why does seeing
Amaru cry almost make you want to cry? Why does him shedding his tears also make
you a little happy? You selfish, self-centered monster! Taking pleasure in your
brother's tears, and at the same time, seeing him so breaks your own heart.

The tears slowly slid down, no matter how hard he tried to prevent them. And
then he recalled his earlier conversation with the doctor, and the tears slid
more freely than before. Tsuzuku hugged his brother back. "I'm sorry too..."
I'm sorry...I can't do anything right, can I? I'm sorry, I'm so sorry.

"How is he?" Owaru offered the doctor a western roll -- apparently,
an American bastardized version of the normal sushi dish.

The doctor shook his head, refusing the offer. "Your brother is fine --
physically, at least. I can remove the glass from his stomach, but can do little
else for whatever is bothering him. Apparently, he is not one easy to kill, so
the worst thing that he faces right now is himself." The doctor put on his
coat, getting ready to take Pinoko out to dinner. "You can see him right
now; he's with Amaru. Although I'm not sure that he wants to receive guests. But
he shouldn't be alone right now... not after a suicide attempt." Black Jack
eyed Hajime. "From what I gather, he's ashamed of not being normal. I think
there's more, but I don't know what it is."

Hajime watched him, taking every word in and nodding as the doctor continued.

"He's not in any immediate danger, but if his depression is not dealt
with soon, he could try something worse next time." Black Jack paused, and
then looked at Hajime thoughtfully. "The patient wants to live. That is
what every doctor must believe. Otherwise, there seems little point in what he
does; depression is the worst enemy a doctor can face. If a doctor believed
otherwise..." His voice trailed off, thinking of another dark doctor, one
who practiced euthanasia. "In any case, I'll be taking a break now. I don't
think he'll try anything now, but he should be watched anyway." He nodded
at the Ryudos, took Pinoko's hand, and left.

Owaru watched him leave and then swung to look at Hajime. "What do we
do, Hajime-aniki?"

"What else can we do? I'll try to get to the bottom of this..."
Hajime looked tired, as he realized what lie ahead of him was many hours of
emotional torment. "You take Amaru and wait outside. He hasn't eaten
yet."

Owaru nodded, glad to take orders so that he didn't have to think of a plan
on his own. Hajime and Tsuzuku were always the ones to do that; he and Amaru
were just there to help carry out orders.

Hajime stared at the door, a thousand insecurities bouncing in his mind as he
hesitated. Why was he the leader of his family? He was unfit for the position,
and terribly so. Would he be able to respond to Tsuzuku's pain? Would he be able
to help his little brother at all? A million fears and possibilities of what
could go wrong. But...hesitance only cost the hesitator, and nothing would be
done if he simply stood outside of the door all day. Slowly, he knocked on the
door. "Tsuzuku? Amaru? We're coming in."

Slowly, Hajime turned the knob and opened the door. Inside the room, the
scene presented itself to him: Amaru, hugging Tsuzuku, both looking rather
tearful. It almost made him want to cry himself. He nodded at Owaru, silently
giving the order. Hesitantly, the second youngest brother gently tugged on
Amaru's shoulder.

"C'mon Amaru, let's go eat outside." Owaru slipped an arm around
his younger brother, and pulled the boy towards his body. Not resistant, Amaru
went with him, and they left the room, leaving the two oldest brothers alone.

Quietly, Hajime sat in the chair besides his brother. Tsuzuku tried to hide
his tears when his older brother sat down, but it was useless. Instead, the
second oldest brother turned his head away from Hajime, ashamed of his weakness
and his tears. Never mind what the doctor had said about tears. When facing his
older brother, all Tsuzuku felt was shame. Can't I do anything right? I try not
to cry, I try to die, and in both do I fail miserably. He felt strong arms
around him, as he received yet another hug from a brother, this one his oldest.

"Tsuzuku...how are you feeling?" Hajime asked him gently.

How do you think I feel? The question unintentionally increased the flow of
his tears. He disappointed Hajime, he KNEW it now, and it only made him feel
worse. I'm so stupid...thinking that I could get away with it without Hajime
knowing. The sobs became to rack his body, as he cried harder. Why did his older
brother care for him at all? He was never a good brother; he didn't need
attention like his younger brothers... He was the second oldest, the one that
was also supposed to be responsible, and he tried to electrocute himself! Not
only did he set a horrid example for his younger brother, he must have made them
all ashamed of him. Imagine, a Ryudo who tried to take his own life! Not once,
but many times...and failing each time. How can Niisan care for such a loser?
Such a pathetic brother? Tsuzuku forced his voice to steady as he tried to
answer his brother's call. "I've seen better days." Like when I HAD a
close friend...Shuuichi...

"Can you tell me why you did it?"

Once again, the why. Not a rebuke at doing so, not an angry, "never
again!" but a questioning, uncertain "why?" How could he answer a
question like that? Instead, the third youngest brother began to feel an
irrational anger toward his older brother. Why do you think? You don't know
because you didn't even TRY to know...All those times when I tried to talk to
you, you were being so damn unreachable! I knew what you were going to say, knew
you were going to judge me. Why do you even care??? You never took care of me,
you always expected me to take care of myself, to take care of Owaru and Amaru.
Why do you give a damn about me? Of course Amaru would be worried...I've been a
mother and a father to him since he was three. Of course Owaru would be angry...he
expected better of me. But you. Why would you care? You never did anything for
me.

But that was a lie. Hajime was there when Tsuzuku was younger, he couldn't
deny that. Like when their parents died. Hajime had looked at him and told him,
"We have to be strong, Tsuzuku. For Amaru and Owaru's sake. We cry now, and
then we will be strong because we can't be weak." Or when he first realized
that he wasn't normal...he had asked Hajime why they had to hide their
disabilities. His older brother had pointed out that their differences were not
his fault or Tsuzuku's, so they shouldn't have to worry about it.

But each time...each time Hajime never really confronted the problems. He
simply deterred them and made Tsuzuku focus on something else. He didn't help
Tsuzuku cope with the loss of their parents; he had simply told Tsuzuku to be
strong. He didn't tell Tsuzuku why they had to hide, he was basically telling
Tsuzuku "It's not your fault, and we don't really have a choice." The
second oldest Ryudo had to learn on his own why he had to hide his abilities...

Because otherwise people think that you're a freak. Like when he had punched
that little snotty boy on the playground for pushing Amaru off the swings. He
hadn't really meant to hurt the other boy, he just wanted the boy to know not to
mess with his family. But even though he was only ten at that time, he had been
gifted. He had broken the boy's nose and caved in his right cheekbone. The boy's
sister had been screaming about what monsters they were, and in panic, he and
his two younger brothers fled, never to return to that playground. When they
told Hajime that evening, he simply held them and told them then, when it was
too late, why they had to hide their abilities and why they had to avoid hurting
other people.

Niisan... Hajime-niisan missed the point entirely. He was so close and yet so
far. He never tried to understand his younger brother, concerned more about
other things. Tsuzuku couldn't blame him; Hajime was just a boy himself when he
was forced to watch over them. I should be grateful that he was responsible
enough to watch over us. But of course, Grandfather had watched over HIM,
whenever he came to visit. No one ever watched over me... Listen to me...I'm
being such a brat. His self-attacks began to start again. How could Tsuzuku
blame his older brother? It wasn't his fault. It was no one's. I should just
mature up and pretend that everything's ok. Then Hajime will leave me alone, and
we can all pretend that I did not try to kill myself, that I did not try to do
so repeatedly, that I will eventually find a way... The tears racked through his
body once more as he mercilessly attacked himself. You're so despicable, Tsuzuku.
You had to watch Owaru and Amaru because Hajime couldn't do it, and Grandfather
passed away a few years later. You can't blame Hajime. Look how well Owaru and
Amaru turned out. And you didn't exactly help Hajime cope with his grief when
Ojiisan passed away. Maybe you're just trying to kill yourself for the
attention. Despicable, disgusting, stupid! You're the shame of the Ryudo family!
You can't make friends... Hell, the person you *were* considering a lover was a
*boy*. You end up hurting the person you wanted to the least...Shuuichi tried to
kill himself because of you. And for what? For some stupid secret that your
*doctor* now knows? Tsuzuku felt like shoving Hajime away, his presence brought
on such strong self-hatred. There you go again, blaming others.

"Tsuzuku?" Concern in Hajime's voice, and Tsuzuku felt like
laughing. Stupid Niisan, you're so stupid. You'll never understand me...

Hajime held him, his love for his brother undying. And Tsuzuku felt himself
shaking.

You'll never understand me.

"So, how did it go?"

Hajime sighed, and got his coat while he answered Owaru's question. "He
cried for a while, but wouldn't tell me anything. He fell asleep
afterwards."

"Oh."

"I'll try again later. For now, I have to go see Matsuri -- she has
probably been to our house and worried that we haven't come home." The
eldest Ryudo looked upon his two younger brothers. "Someone should stay
here with Tsuzuku. The other can come with me."

"Will you be bringing her by?"

Hajime nodded. "Of course. She'll be just as worried about Tsuzuku as we
are." His eyes moved back and forth between his brothers. "So, who
wants to come with me?"

"I already went with you, Aniki. Amaru can go with you." Owaru
handed Hajime the bag of leftovers from Sushi Fun. "Don't forget to eat,
you were with Tsuzuku for a long while."

Hajime shook his head. "I'll grab something later. Keep it in case
Tsuzuku gets hungry."

Amaru looked hopeful. "Maybe we can get Matsuri to pry it out of him.
They're close in age."

Tsuzuku woke up half an hour later. He felt tired, but could sleep no longer,
as he had been sleeping most of the day. Beside his bed, on the left, was the
doctor and his assistant. To the right of his bed was his younger brother Owaru.
Slowly, he sat up, his face neither welcoming nor discouraging his visitor.

"Can he eat, doctor?" Owaru asked, his fingers lingering over the
bag of food.

Black Jack watched Tsuzuku. "Usually after a surgery on the stomach, the
patient should only drink liquids. How do you feel?" He addressed the
second oldest Ryudo, knowing that the boy seemed to be an exception to many
rules.

Tsuzuku yawned and stretched slightly. "I feel as I always do. I feel
fine. Healthy and alive."

Owaru handed Tsuzuku the bag. Black Jack put his hand over it.

"You've been starving yourself for quite a while. I don't advise you
eating solids just yet."

Tsuzuku nodded. I don't feel hungry anyway.

"On top of all this, you've been *starving* yourself as well?"
Owaru looked angrily at his brother. He looked like he was about to say more,
but the doctor interrupted him.

"There's a lounge downstairs. Next to it is the cafeteria. Go buy him
some vegetable soup."

Owaru looked at him for a minute, about to dispute the order, when he
suddenly realized that Black Jack was Tsuzuku's doctor and he should probably
obey orders. He looked back at Tsuzuku. "Oi, Aniki, do you have any money?
I'm broke."

"Come on, I'll take you." Pinoko took Owaru's right hand in her own
two and pulled him towards the door. "I'll pay for it, don't worry."

Owaru looked uncertainly at her, and glanced at Tsuzuku uncertainly. Pinoko
tugged once more, and this time he left with her.

The doctor waited for the door to shut before he looked back at his patient.
"You will be released soon."

Tsuzuku nodded in acknowledgement of the words spoken.

"Will you try this again?"

Tsuzuku felt heat rising in his face. Anger, as irrational as always, flooded
his senses. How come he's the only one that asks that? "Why would you care?
It's none of your concern."

"Of course it's my concern," said the doctor undisturbed by the
small outburst. "You're my patient. The well-being of a patient is always
the concern of a doctor."

Tsuzuku was silent. After a pause, he spoke. "I've tried everything.
Nothing has worked."

Black Jack waited patiently for him to continue.

"I once heard that there was this doctor... One that helped people to
sleep. I found him and asked him to help me."

The doctor tensed. "Kitori?"

Tsuzuku shrugged. "I don't know his name. He asked me if I worked, or if
I had inherited a fortune. I replied that I didn't, and he told me that I was
too poor for his way to be an option." The words echoed in his mind.
"Then I'm afraid that's not an option for you."

Black Jack turned away, and said nothing. After thinking deeply to himself
for a pause, he turned and looked back at his patient, a young teenager that
could not kill himself or afford to hire someone else to do it for him. "In
all probability, if you tried eating arsenic and survived, if scalpels break on
your skin, then nothing will be able to kill you. Your only option, then, is to
live." Another pause. "You can continue to be miserable, to try
killing yourself and failing each time and then to hate yourself even more for
failing."

Tsuzuku closed his eyes, listening.

"Or you can try to heal, to move past what brings you pain. You can
live. You're too young to die, and frankly, at this moment, I'm uncertain if you
can. Your brothers obviously adore you, you should talk to someone to deal with
your pain, and then move on and not look back. If death is not an option, then
you might as well make the most out of living."

"Hajime-san! Thank goodness!" Matsuri flew into the eldest
Ryudo's arms in greeting, stunning both the latter and his younger brother. She
looked up at him, an expression of worry painted over her face. "I heard
that Tsuzuku got hurt. What happened? Why weren't you guys home?"

Hajime took a step back, his mind reeling in turmoil. "You heard?
How?"

"Minamino-sempai called and asked me about Tsuzuku. He said that he ran
into you and was wondering if Tsuzuku was alright. I didn't know what he was
talking about, so I went to your house to check up on Tsuzuku. But you weren't
there!" She took a deep breath. "What happened? Is Tsuzuku all right?
Was he hurt badly?"

"Minamino-sempai?" Hajime frowned. That redhead knew Matsuri AND
Tsuzuku?

"Right. You know, Minamino Shuuichi. Tsuzuku's best friend, before he
transferred to another school." The shock appearing on Hajime's face made
her doubt her own words. "The one that gave Tsuzuku the roses? You
remember, don't you?"

"How could I remember? I've never met him until today. I didn't even
know Tsuzuku had a best friend..." The eldest Ryudo frowned. Why was he
suddenly learning all this information about his younger brother NOW, after the
boy had tried to commit suicide? How could there be so much about his younger
brother that he never knew?

"What? I assumed that you knew. He was in Tsuzuku's home room. They're
both a year ahead of me." She shrugged and directed her questioning towards
Amaru, since Hajime seemed like he was more interested in learning about
Minamino than telling her about Tsuzuku. "What happened, Amaru-kun?"

The younger brother hugged her and fought back the tears from entering his
voice. "Tsuzuku-niisan... electrocuted and poisoned himself, Matsuri-chan.
He's in the hospital right now."

Matsuri looked at Hajime for verification, horror written all over her face.

Hajime nodded slightly. "He's at a private hospital right now. He
doesn't appear to be too hurt; I think the doctor will let us take him home
soon."

"Why would he do something like that?" Matsuri asked, shocked.

Hajime sighed. "We still don't know. He won't tell us."

Owaru entered the room with Pinoko, the former carrying a bowl of soup. They
both had amused looks on their faces, and Pinoko was giggling. The younger Ryudo
went straight to his brother's bed and ceremoniously handed him the soup.
"For you, my lord brother," he said with great exaggeration. "May
this humble bowl of soup speed the recovery of your health." He was
rewarded with a faint smile from his older brother, who accepted the soup
graciously.

Tsuzuku drank the soup slowly. It was thick and tasty; obviously the Akizuki
Hospital was used to serving those with good taste. He wondered, for the first
time, how much in debt his attempt had put them. Black Jack was a special
doctor. They were in a private hospital. And the soup was probably expensive. I
should probably get a job... it'll kill time, give me a reason to leave home,
and help Hajime pay the bills. But then who would take care of Owaru and Amaru
while Hajime's still at work and they come home from school? He looked at his
doctor, suddenly wishing to see the bill before his older brother did. "How
much will this all cost?" He made a vague gesture. "Your services.
This room. This soup."

"Don't worry about the soup," piped Pinoko. "I bought it with
the allowance that Black Jack gave me... I'd rather spend it on a good cause
rather than buy anymore cuddly-looking stuffed animals." She giggled, and
Tsuzuku wondered about her age. She was surprisingly mature for someone so
young. "Besides," she continued, "Having Owaru carry me on his
back was worth it!" She gave Black Jack a meaningful look.

The doctor returned it with a blank stare. "You have two arms and two
feet, Pinoko. You're in perfectly good health. You can walk."

"You're no fun," she said, sticking her tongue out at him. Black
Jack ignored it.

Tsuzuku watched the exchange detachedly, his mind elsewhere while he ate.
Beside him, Owaru was eating the last of the sushi rolls. Suddenly, the latter
remembered the message. "Oi, Aniki. You're in no condition to do it now,
but we ran into an old friend of yours at Sushi Fun. He wants you to call him
whenever. Hajime-aniki's got the number on a napkin."

Tsuzuku's heart skipped a beat. "Old friend?"

"Yeah," said Owaru, eating and oblivious of the intense look that
his brother was giving him. "He said he was a former classmate. His name
was...um...Minami...er...Minamino Shuuichi, I think."

Tsuzuku dropped his bowl of soup. Reacting quickly, Owaru caught it in
surprise.

"Aniki! What are you doing, almost wasting your food!?!"

Tsuzuku did not hear. Inside, his mind and emotions were battling each other
once more. It was amazing how a simple thing, like a name, could send one into
such a fit of uncertainty and conflict. Shuuichi...wants me to call him? Then:
They saw Shuuichi. He recovered from the poison, then? Of course...anyone who
receives energy from another being would... Keeping his voice level, he
addressed his brother, who was now gazing at him inquisitively. "How did he
look?"

"Terrible. I think he was sick. He was leaning against the table, and he
had with him a rude little guy. This short kid wouldn't talk with us at all.
Anyway, Minamino really wanted to talk to you. He was asking all sorts of
questions about how you were doing, and was kind of annoying. And then he gave
us his phone number, but Hajime-niisan's go it right now."

"Oh." Tsuzuku paused to collect his thoughts and declared,
"I'm going to the bathroom. Where is it?"

Black Jack indicated behind him, to the door at the wall. "Can you
walk?"

"Of course." What kind of a stupid question is that? Owaru moved to
help him get up, and he shrugged his brother's arm off impatiently. Slowly, he
moved out of the bed and walked to the bathroom. Once inside, he locked the door
and stared at himself in the mirror.

His face was of a pale, sickly quality. But even ill, his eyes were calm and
proud. His hair was greasy and shiny. But even after being in the hospital for
so long...he looked the same. A beautiful boy. He stared at himself and watched
in wonder as the tears collected once more. He cried silently for a few minutes,
then washed the salty remains down the sink.

"He was able to walk across the room without aid," Black Jack
explained. "When he came back from the bathroom, I examined him and found
the stitches completely gone. He's perfectly all right now, and I see no reason
to detain him any longer."

Hajime, Matsuri, and Amaru listened without a word. They had just arrived,
and met the doctor coming out of the room.

"Thank you so very much," said Hajime respectfully. Relief washed
over him.

"However...I wish that I could detain him longer. You see; he still
seems to be in great emotional pain. I'd suggest psychiatric help, but I doubt
that would be an option for you. I suggest that you monitor him carefully for
the next few days...see if you can find the root of the problem. My guess is
that it has something to do with his friend -- Minamino Shuuichi -- I think his
name was. Owaru-kun mentioned him, he went pale, went to the bathroom, and came
back with tear marks on his face."

Once again, that redhead. Hajime turned to Matsuri. "Later on, after we
bring him home, I want you to tell us everything you know about him." He
turned back to the doctor. "Do you have the bill?"

The doctor gathered his things. "I talked with the owner, and waived the
hospital fee. And as for the bill..."

Pinoko popped her head out from behind Black Jack's leg and smiled.
"Don't worry about it."

"Don't forget our agreement," said the doctor. "Your family
owes me a favor."

Hajime bowed deeply. "Thank you very much," he repeated.

It had been three days since Tsuzuku was released from the hospital. He
evaded all questions asked about his attempts and was under heavy surveillance
by his brothers.

Hajime frowned. All Matsuri told them was that Minamino Shuuichi was a
perfectly nice student that had to transfer to another school. Apparently he and
Tsuzuku had been close friends, although Tsuzuku had never mentioned him to his
brothers. Sometimes he would glance at the phone, but he never used it. At
least, not around his brothers. To the best of Hajime's knowledge, no one at
Tsuzuku's school ever knew that anything was wrong with him or that he was in
the hospital. He had only been in the hospital for two days.

Hajime had hoped that Tsuzuku would talk to him or one of his brothers, but
the younger ones repeatedly reported that no such effort was ever made. Tsuzuku
acted like nothing had ever happened over that weekend.

There is not a single moment of privacy at home, Tsuzuku thought. It was kind
of funny, really. With his recent attempt now clearly shoving into his brothers'
faces of what he tried to do, his brothers were constantly worried about him.
Tsuzuku tried to act like nothing ever happened, to get them to relax, but it
only seemed to make them more worried. Owaru and Amaru were starting to forget,
but Hajime... I can sense it from him. He's always worried about me. He keeps
hoping that I'll open up to him or one of the others. I suppose this constant
scrutiny won't end until I tell them SOME sort of story...

He stared out of the window in his class. It was ironic that the source of
his unhappiness was now his only refuge from his family. On one hand, he was
sort of glad that they were so worried. It gave him a slight guilty pleasure to
know that they were concerned about him. On the other, he felt disgust at
himself for such a feeling, and guilty for not telling his brothers anything,
after what he put them through. He was sick of hiding, and yet...the constant
watching they put him under angered him. He had no privacy and felt that he
could not trust them because they did not trust him.

Can I blame them? I violated their trust in me, can I blame them for not
trusting me now? The family had always been close, tight, and in harmony with
each other. His recent attempt had thrown a wrench into the closeness they
shared.

He looked out the window. The sky was so blue.

"It's been so long! So good to see you again!" "How have you
been?"

Tsuzuku ignored the ramblings of the crowd outside the school grounds. They
were not of his concern. He descended the steps of the school building, and
headed towards the gate.

"Ryudo-san? No, I haven't seen him."

Tsuzuku looked automatically to the crowd where his name was spoken.

He froze in mid-step.

Standing beneath the tree behind the school gate was a familiar figure. He
was dressed in a dark magenta school uniform, and was surrounded by a crowd of
female classmates. He leaned casually against the tree, his long red hair
swaying gently against the wind.

"Minamino-san? Are you waiting to see Ryudo-san?"

The figure nodded. He was not looking at the girls, but at the people who
were leaving the gates, as if searching for someone.

Tsuzuku turned and walked quickly back into the school building. Shuuichi had
not yet spotted him, and he wanted to keep it that way. He moved quickly through
the crowd that was leaving the building, ignoring the protests of the people
that his shoulders brushed hard against to make way.

When he was safely within the halls of Kyowa High School, he leaned against
the wall and slowly sank to the floor as his thoughts tumbled together.

He's here. So why am I hiding from him? Why don't I want to talk to him? His
thoughts raced just as his heart quickened. Why is here now, after so much time has passed from then? Can I face him without breaking down?

"Tsuzuku-kun!"

He looked up in surprise.

Matsuri, ran down the hall and stopped a few feet before him, panting
slightly from the exertion. Her dark aqua eyes flashed with concern.
"Haven't you heard? Minamino-sempai is waiting for you outside of the
school."

He looked at her, and then looked down. "I know."

"Oh."

After two heartbeats, Matsuri slowly sat down next to him. They sat there in
silence, leaning against the wall and staring at the empty halls of the school.
Matsuri glanced at her cousin uncertainly. "Do you want to talk about
it?"

He shook his head. "Maybe someday...but not today."

She stood up. "I'll get rid of him, if you want."

What do I want? Why am I so afraid to see him? What's wrong with me? He tried
to analyze his own feelings and failed miserably. After a long pause, he looked
back at his cousin only to see that she was missing.

He tried in vain to understand what he was feeling. It was some sort of
twisted mixture of bitterness, resignation, joy, hope, sadness, anger, fear,
hatred...every emotion that ever existed twisted within him, overwhelming him,
because he was not used to feeling so many emotions at once. What should I do?
Wonderful. On top of everything else, I'm confused. He could do nothing but sit
there, lean against the wall, and stare at the floor.

After what seemed like an eternity, he heard soft footsteps. Down the hall
came Matsuri, walking slowly towards her cousin. She sat down besides the most
handsomest Ryudo and gave him a small note.

"I told him you were staying after because you had to help out at a
club. He told me to give you this."

Damn. He'll know that it was a lie. He knows that I'm not in any of the clubs
at school. Numbly, he began to open the note.

In small, neat characters, were the words printed: "Please meet me at
the old park if you want to. I'll be there all day."

The sun was setting by the time he reached the decision to head for the park.
The sky was an angry pink-orange, and his steps were slow as he headed for his
destination. The old park was two blocks from the school, a community park used
mostly by little elementary school children. It reminded Tsuzuku briefly of the
time he punched the boy in the face. Not the same park, but still...

He turned the corner and moved to the park's entrance. The park was fenced
off, it entrance was surrounded by bushes. He glanced briefly through the green
plants and saw (with his sharp vision), in the gaps between the leaves, Shuuichi.

Shuuichi sat on a still swing, looking at the sky. It bathed him in that
same, golden color. His hands gripped the chains that held his seat up. Besides
him, sat a smaller, dark figure whose feet did not touch the ground. Hiei.

With the exception of the two, the park was otherwise deserted. It was quiet
and peaceful.

"He won't come, will he?" Shuuichi asked calmly. Perhaps he
addressed his companion to the left of him, perhaps he didn't. His friend said
nothing.

"I guess it was pretty stupid of me to think that he would." The
redhead continued his monologue. "How arrogant of myself."

"Hn," came the reply from his darker companion.

The taller figure glanced at his friend in amusement. "A reply? How
unusual. It must mean something."

"You're usually pretty arrogant."

Rather than getting offended, a smile broke out upon Shuuichi's face. He gave
a short, surprised laugh and looked at the floor as he addressed his friend.
"Hypocrite."

Hiei deigned to comment.

It's that little midget friend of his that attacked me, Tsuzuku thought
amusingly. The one that's in love with him. His amusement disappeared, replaced
by another, unidentifiable but uneasy feeling. I wonder why he doesn't sense me.
Must be thinking of "Kurama" rather than sensing for others.

"Are you worried?" Tsuzuku's former friend asked Hiei quietly.

Silence. Then, the shorter figure admitted in his deep voice, "A
little."

For some reason, the red head smiled at the words. "Don't be."

Hiei looked sharply towards the entrance suddenly. "He's here."

Sure, *now* you notice me. You must be a little off today. Blow my cover just
when things are starting to look interesting. I suppose it's time for my
dramatic appearance. Tsuzuku straightened up and entered the park, each step
filling him with a growing apprehension.

Shuuichi looked up at him and smiled as he approached. The red head had
slightly noticeable dark rings beneath his bright green eyes, indicating a lack
of sleep. Besides him, Hiei stood and flickered out of view, moving away so fast
that normal human eyes would not be able to catch the movement.

Wordlessly, Tsuzuku sat to the right of his friend.

"It's been a while. How have you been?" Tsuzuku's former classmate
did not look at him, staring at the empty park instead as he addressed the Ryudo.

"So-so. You?"

"I've been better. I feel pretty good now, though."

Another moment of silence passed between them.

"I asked you to come here so that I could apologize to you."

Tsuzuku looked at his friend, his mind moving in turmoil. Apologize? To me?
He has no reason to. I'm the one that ruined our friendship. Because I was too
afraid...

Unaware of the Ryudo's thoughts, the androgynous boy continued. "I'm
sorry for all the trouble that my confession has caused between and for
us." He looked at Tsuzuku. "Will you forgive me?"

"There is nothing to forgive," said Tsuzuku, somehow managing to
find his voice. "You shouldn't be the one apologizing. I am the one that's
sorry." Suddenly, he could not bear to look at him; his shoes were so much
more fascinating. "I avoided you and didn't have the courage to speak to
you."

"You had a reason to. Not every adolescent boy gets a confession from
his best friend of the same sex every day." Shuuichi's smooth voice held no
anger or resentment.

It's not that, Tsuzuku wanted to say. It's not that at all. You had the
courage to say what you felt but I did not have the courage to return it. I
couldn't care less about your sex. I used my family as an excuse but the truth
was that I was afraid to admit it to myself until it was too late. Until I drove
you away. The words, however, would not come out of his mouth.

"You have nothing to fear from me now. I'm involved with someone else..."
Tsuzuku couldn't see him, but he knew that Shuuichi was smiling as he spoke the
words. "I just wanted to see you again...to let you know that if you ever
need a friend, you still have my number." Shuuichi was now looking at him.
"I know you don't make friends easily, so if you ever need one, you at
least have one that you already made."

I could break this, Tsuzuku thought. I could tell Shuuichi how I felt --
feel, and ruin his new romance with Hiei. He assumed it was Hiei, he wasn't
sure. "Is it Hiei?" He asked.

"How did you know --?" His friend's voice trailed off in
realization. "Oh. Sorry about that time he attacked you... I had no idea he
would..." Then, a quieter, happier: "Yes, it's him." A pause
before changing the subject, "I heard that you were in the hospital?"

I could ruin it...let him know everything, leave that shrimp to flounder
around in the dust, alone. I could stop the two...or make it extremely difficult
for them. He glanced at "Kurama," saw the smile on his face, and
looked back at the floor. I could... but I won't. Not with that smile on his
face. I've never brought him such happiness, and with my insecurity, I never
will. He thought of Hiei, kissing the sleeping Shuuichi and somehow transferring
his energy in the process. I'd never be as devoted to "Kurama" as
Hiei. I have my family and my own interests first. I'd never be as good as a
lover as the smaller man, because the shorter boy loves him so intensely... And
since they're now together, Hiei must have confessed his feelings to Shuuichi...something
I was never able to do. And now that they're together, it's something I'll never
do. He shrugged, and answered the question: "I was playing with wires and
fried myself."

"You all right now?"

I am now... I think it's better this way. It's reassuring to know that
Shuuichi is no longer hurting because of me...that he has someone, because he
deserves to have someone so in love with him, *with* him. The old wound ache,
but not as badly as before. It was a wound that could heal, and would.
"Thank you for seeing me again," Tsuzuku said. "Yes, I'm all
right." I will never hurt another like this again. If I had just told him
no, lied and said that I was only interested in girls, then I would have saved
him a lot of pain, because he wouldn't have spent all his time wondering why I
didn't speak, wondering about himself...trying to kill himself. "I'm
sorry." For not making a decision earlier, for putting you through such
hell. Sorry for you hurting yourself... "I know that I caused you a lot of
pain." And made yourself become your own torturer. "And I'm really
sorry about it."

"It's ok... I'm over it now," Shuuichi said, acknowledging the
truth of the words spoken. He turned and smiled at Tsuzuku, the smile that lit
his beautiful face. "Friends again?"

"Yeah."

Shuuichi hung around for a little while longer, and then had to leave; so as
to not worry his mother or Hiei. Tsuzuku stayed by himself, swinging on the
swing gently.

I can always regret the past, but I cannot change it. The only thing I can
change is the future. It was a clean break, and no longer having this problem
hanging over him was relieving. I think I can move on now... The hurt was still
there, perhaps it always would leave a scar, but it was slowly fading. It'll be
hard to find someone else who's even better than Shuuichi...now my standards are
*really* high. He thought of his brothers. I won't tell them this small story,
this story of my foolishness. But I'll talk to them and get them to stop
worrying about me. It'll be my little secret, a lesson that I'll always
remembered. Shuuichi was my first best friend and my first love, and I'll never
regret any of this because I don't and it'll be meaningless to do so.

Tsuzuku smiled gently. I'm really all right now.

He looked at the sky, where the sun was setting, soon to be replaced by the
cool night. The sky stretched to infinity, so deep, so bright with the little
stars within it.

Later he would ask himself how he was able to deal with the loss of his first
love so well. Later he would wonder why, that after breaking down over
everything else, he was able to deal with his emotions by examining the scenery.

Tsuzuku went home late that evening to an anxious family. The minute he
stepped back into his house, he realized his error. His suicide attempt had not
been very long ago, and his brothers had discovered his previous attempts...

He took off his shoes and called in his usual mild tone, "Tadaima."

"Tsuzuku-aniki!" Owaru ran down the stairs in a second and looked
at him excitedly. "What the hell happened? Did you win the fight?"

"Fight? What fight?"

"Matsuri-chan said that you got a note to meet someone, but she wouldn't
tell us where or what kind of note it was. It was a challenge, right? For a
fight?" Owaru grinned, showing his perfectly straight and white teeth.
"I bet you stole the heart of some idiotic girl in your class cuz of your
good looks and some moronic guy was challenging you in hopes of winning her
back. Am I right? I'm right, aren't I?"

"No. There was no fight," said Tsuzuku wearily. He wasn't snappy or
irritated. Rather, he was in a strange state, somewhere between an
adrenaline-induced exhilaration and light melancholy. What's wrong with me? How
can I be happy and sad at the same time? After losing this opportunity,
regaining his friendship but losing what could have been beyond it.
Self-analysis slowly shifted his emotions towards the negative emotions. I lost
to a short alien, he thought with bitter irony.

"No fight? Then...it was a girl confessing her love to you! And you
stayed out so late because you didn't want to hurt her feelings but you didn't
know how to turn her down properly!" Owaru grinned.

"No."

His younger brother looked dismayed. "Then Amaru was right, you were out
on a date, weren't you?"

Where does he get this stuff? Granted, the first two events occurred on a
semi-regular basis, in a less extreme fashion, but still... "Nothing
happened. I met an old friend, we hung out for a bit, and then he went
home." It was the truth. Not the entire truth, but close enough. It really
was none of his younger brother's business.

"Oh." Owaru looked both relieved and disappointed, which
immediately caught his older brother's attention.

"Why?" Tsuzuku asked suspiciously.

"Amaru and me had lunch riding on this. Oh well." Owaru's grin
faded. He lowered his voice, speaking more seriously. "You better tell
Hajime-niisan then; he was worried sick about you." His eyes darkened.
"You know, cause he was afraid that it might be just an excuse..." His
voice trailed off when he realized that he had spoke too much.

Inwardly, the second oldest Ryudo winced. His most recent attempts were not
discussed aloud; it was almost like the discussion of his last experiment was
taboo. Something simply was not spoken of... It's happening all over again... I
guess I shouldn't be expecting anything less than everyone pretending it never
occurred. He nodded at his kid brother distractedly and went instinctively to
the evening room, where he knew that Hajime was waiting.

He was greeted by hug from his elder brother, which surprised him.
Hajime-niisan isn't usually this touchy unless he's really emotional.
"Sorry Niisan... I was out hanging with an old friend and I lost track of
time." The irony was that this was not even the latest that he had been out
late; and there was little a stir before then. When he fell off Tokyo Tower, for
example, he had had a terrible headache and had slept it away in a local café.
He did not awake until midnight, when the compassionate owner had reluctantly
been forced to throw him out. When he returned home, Hajime had not said a word
to him about being late; only greeted him and ask him if he was hungry.

It was now not even seven yet, five hours shorter of the time he went home
then, and he now had Hajime hugging him from worry and fear.

The eldest Ryudo released his younger brother and met in eye to eye. "We
have to talk," Hajime decided.

Tsuzuku nodded, feeling dread and anticipation. He was surprised; he did not
think that Hajime would ever ask him directly. He followed his brother in a
state of turmoil; his mind racing as he wondered what he would say. It was one
thing to avoid a topic if no one asked you about it for fear of dredging up old
memories. It was another to have the one person that you listened to and obeyed
all your life ask you about...that subject. I thought Niisan would wait until I
came to him on my own, he thought partially resentfully and partially relieved.

They entered Hajime's study, and the latter closed the door behind them
quietly. The leader of the family indicated to the chairs, and the two of them
sat down simultaneously.

There was a tense silence, while both groped for the right words to say.

"Tsuzuku," Hajime said softly. His kind tone made his brother hate
himself even more. I'm so unworthy of such a kind older brother. He did nothing
wrong and now he has to deal with a troublemaker like me. His oddly detached and
reassuring feeling that had remained after Shuuichi left dissipated, and rapidly
his other emotions, as if they were just released from a cage, came barging in.

"Yes?" Oh no what am I going to tell him? I can't lie to him...but
do I want to tell him the truth? If I tell him everything; from the loneliness
to Shuuichi, will he understand? Will he blame himself? On one hand, out of
spite, he *wanted* Hajime to feel bad. Another part of him denied this; crying
that Hajime did not deserve such pain from an undeserving brother. He felt
suddenly horribly nervous. Part of him wanted to confess everything, very few
things were secrets between them before. The other part wanted to run out of the
room. Did I really think that he would not ask me? Did I want this? What's wrong
with me? Why can't I decide on what I want anymore? What am I going to do? After
attempting suicide repeatedly, did you really think that he would not ask? Well...honestly,
he wasn't sure. Niisan, due to his ignorance, never asked before...

"Tsuzuku, it has been almost a week since you've been at the hospital
for harming yourself." The words were obviously painful for Hajime to say,
he had been hoping and hoping and hoping that everything was all right, but he
could not tell, not without knowing what it was that bothered his brother so.
And he did not know how much longer he could deal with this uncertainty, this
feeling of fear that would arise whenever Tsuzuku came home late. "I know
it may be a lot to ask, but will you please tell me why you did so in the first
place?"

Silence was his only response.

"Take your time," the eldest Ryudo said patiently.

"I..." Tsuzuku's wit, used to break the spirits of people who would
not stop harassing him, used to find kinder ways of turning down unwanted
lovers, used to score high on all exams, failed him then. He could not think
anything to say at the moment, other than the truth. "I..."

His brother nodded encouragingly.

"I....Niisan...I..." Unbidden and unexpected, suddenly he felt
tears begin to form in the corner of his eyes; and laughter building within him.
What the hell am I doing? "What do you want to hear, Niisan?" His
tongue moved with a mind of his own, sparing his brother nothing. "Do you
want to hear a sob story of a girl dumping me? Do you want to hear me tell you,
in infinite detail, all the attempts I tried? Or do you want me just to tell you
that everything was okay, that today was an exception, that I had never meant to
try to take my own life, that I wasn't thinking the consequences
thoroughly?" Stop it stop it stop it! Don't hurt Niisan like this... But
part of him felt this need-- to test his older brother, to see...

And the tears actually began to slide.

Hajime reached over and held his younger brother, who began to cry on his
shoulder. "All I want is for you to tell me anything that you want to tell
me."

Upon hearing the words, something within Tsuzuku cracked. Niisan may be
non-confrontational, he may not understand, he may be one of the reasons... He
may hear something that he doesn't want to; he may feel guilty afterwards, but...
Memories flooded in, then, memories of his older brother and himself. Memories
that he had long forgotten, the unchained melodies of the memories of their
youth: Hajime holding him at their parent's funeral; Hajime giving him his first
book; Hajime taking him out to eat and leaving Grandfather with Owaru and Amaru;
Hajime reading him a bedtime story each night for the first week after the
funeral just like their mother used to, before getting a job. Niisan... When was
this barrier between the two of them created? When did he begin wishing that his
brother had paid more attention to him, when did he start condemning everything
that Hajime had done in the past, when did he become like this?

When had he forgotten that his older brother *still* cared, not just loved,
but actually *cared* about the everyday incidents of his life?

How did it become like this? When did I stop trusting Niisan with myself?

If I open my heart to him...what then? He had never opened himself to
*anyone* : neither friends at school nor siblings at home. Hajime-niisan... His
arms lifted and he hugged his brother back.

Why did I never realize that he had been here all along?

"Niisan..."

Because he hadn't, not really. Not when Grandfather passed away, not when he
started work, not when he left Owaru and Amaru under my care...

But...

He told his brother everything. From his isolation at home to his isolation
at school. Shuuichi. His self-hatred. His numerous attempts. And last of all,
"Kurama" and Hiei.

It took longer than he had expected, and was easier than he thought. Once he
started, it became harder and harder to LEAVE things out. Hajime made no
judgmental remarks, gave no sounds of disgust, and listened to everything. The
eldest Ryudo reached over now and then, to give his younger brother a reassuring
pat on the shoulder, or hold him when the tears came.

By the time he had finished, several hours had passed and the two youngest
brothers were asleep. It was late.

Only after he finished his last sentence was Tsuzuku finally able to venture
to meet his brother's eyes. It had been too difficult to face Hajime while
starting; he had been afraid that he had been wrong; that he could not trust his
brother after all, that his brother would hear but not listen and condemn him
for falling in love with his best friend.

His fears were unjustified.

When he met his older brother's eyes, he found them wet, like his own.

"Tsuzuku... I'm sorry."

Hajime's own confession began. "I'm sorry that you had to go through
everything by yourself." The oldest Ryudo wiped at the corner of his left
eye and cleared his voice. "When our parents died, I tried to concentrate
only on raising us; I avoided thinking and talking about their deaths because
they didn't seem to be real to me. I tried to be strong about the loss of them
because I didn't know how to cope with it myself." He buried his face in
his hands and this time it was Tsuzuku's turn to hold him for comfort.

"I didn't come to terms with their death even after I got a job. I kept
thinking that they would come back; that they were different, like us, and that
I was working only as a temporary measure. It finally hit me when Grandfather
passed away that I was the only one left to take care of us." He paused to
come in terms with the memories before he began again. "I didn't want to
tell you specifically why we had to hide our abilities because I was afraid that
you would become so ashamed of them that you would want to hide everything about
yourself. I didn't want that... I wanted you to be proud of yourself; to see
them as only small differences in us that did not define who you were. I didn't
think things through...

"I'm sorry that the responsibility of Owaru and Amaru fall to you... I
have no excuses for that, but I'm glad because you raised them better than I
ever would have. I don't think that I would've been able to handle raising all
of you and going to both work and school." He was not making an excuse, but
explaining himself. "And I knew you could handle it. I never realized how
lonely you were, though...and I'm sorry you felt that way." Hajime looked
back at his younger brother. "Tsuzuku...you are not alone. I'll always be
here for you. Talk to me whenever you feel like it, whenever you want to. If I
look tired or irritated; talk to me anyway...conversations with you always raise
my mood...I'll probably need you talking to me more than you need someone to
talk to." His tone was warm and reassuring, and he met his brother's eyes.
"I know that it's hard for you to open up to others, and I can't promise
you that I'll be able to understand everything you say. But I'll certainly try.

"Tsuzuku...if you need me, you need only to ask."

He went to bed that night feeling both euphoric and drained. Niisan...
arigatou. Afterwards, Hajime and him had talked for another half an hour about
nothing in particular, until his older brother had said that they probably
should turn in because they had to be able to wake up at their usual time
tomorrow.

Tsuzuku hugged his pillow to his face and smiled to himself. Niisan... It was
comforting to know that his brother would always be there, that his brother
loved him after all his mistakes and did not condemn him for anything that he
felt.

Hajime had been worried, though, when I had told him about Shuuichi ending up
with Hiei. He'd been worried about me, and remarked about how well I was taking
it.

Why am I taking it so well? Thinking that I was all right immediately
afterwards, and not feeling as awful as I probably should have. Shuuichi...It
used to hurt to think about him but now it doesn't. I guess I'm just glad that
he's happy now, at least...Hajime was right, I am taking this quite well. Maybe
it'll hit me later. But deep in his heart he knew that he wouldn't. Today was
the last of it.

As he began to drift off to sleep, a groggy realization came to him. I
remember now...it was that dream I had the night before...

And he fell asleep, dreaming.

It's too early and I won't see you again for another three years, at least...

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