Falling in Love All Over
Again
chapter 4
by Manille
I let Atsuko-san and a still sobbing Sakura-chan into our house first.
"I’m so sorry about everything, Shuichi-san," I turned to the man in front of me. "The party was ruined all because of me."
Shuichi smiled sympathetically. "It was all right."
"I’ve upset Yukina because of our fight."
"She assured you it was all right with her," Shuichi reminded me. "Although…she asked you to resolve everything between you and your husband."
I shut my eyes and nodded. "I’ll try my best, Shuichi. Really."
Shuichi nodded once. "Well, I guess I have to go now. My parents are waiting for me in Kuwabara’s house."
"Sure. Arigatou gozaimasu," I said.
"You’re very welcome." He leaned over and kissed me on the cheek. "Merry Christmas again."
"Merry…Christmas."
I watched Shuichi speed down the street. He had been kind enough to take Atsuko-san, Sakura and me home.
I went in the house and removed my coat. It was warm inside. I remembered that Yusuke had left the heater on so that we could come home in a cozy place.
Unfortunately, he didn’t come back.
I looked at the grandfather’s clock at the den. It was quarter to nine in the evening already.
I ascended the stairs, dragging myself up. I felt worn-out.
The first place I went to was in Sakura’s bedroom. I opened the door silently.
Sakura was already sleeping, with Atsuko-san caressing her black locks beside her. Atsuko-san stared at me as I went in.
I looked down on the floor as I sat on the bed beside her.
There were so many things I wanted to tell her. Since Yusuke and I got married, I became closer to Atsuko-san, and she became my second mother. Now, in the absence of my parents, she was there.
But I remembered—she was exasperated at me.
"What you said after Yusuke left…"
I was surprised when Atsuko-san began the conversation.
"…Is it all true, that you had been planning the divorce since last September?"
I found my voice. "Y-yes," I said hoarsely, my whole body shaking violently.
"Why? What happened?"
"I…I don’t know," I admitted, my voice trembling. "It was just that…suddenly, we fought wildly against each other and we began ignoring one another." I took a deep breath. "It’s like…we had less time for one another…and the flame began to grow cold as time flew by."
"And it was too late when you noticed?"
If only I had noticed.
If only.
"Yes," I finished, liquid pooling in my eyes.
Atsuko-san sighed, shifting her head from one side to the other. "When…when is too late too late, Keiko-chan?"
I looked up at her as a tear slid down my cheeks. What was she asking?
"Did you ever realize that you were never late? You just gave in to the problem. You didn’t give yourself a chance to sew everything up."
I couldn’t reply. I knew that if I did, her wisdom would simply belittle me.
I was wrong. Very wrong.
"What do you think of Yusuke right now?" Atsuko-san asked me.
Yusuke….
I love Yusuke.
I gritted my teeth and squeezed my eyes shut, letting more tears stain my face.
"Keiko-chan…" I felt Atsuko-san rub my back.
I couldn’t take it anymore. I hugged Atsuko-san, begging for comfort in my darkened world. My world—that I myself ruined.
Yusuke never did anything wrong.
Last September, I told him I wanted a divorce. He was obviously surprised and heavyhearted, but he said fine.
During these last few days, I now realized, he was desperately trying to win me back. First, by convincing me to stay for Christmas. Second, for saying how he felt about Sakura’s growth—for the first time ever—to me. Third, this morning, when he asked me if he still has a chance to convince me to stay.
At that point, I began to feel my heart reaching out for him again.
And just by shouting at him when he kissed me, I blew it all off.
If only…I said yes when he asked me to stay.
If only I let him kiss me.
If only I told Sakura a while ago that I loved her.
If only….
"Kaasan," I lamented on Atsuko-san’s
lap. "Kaasan…I love Yusuke very much. I love my family very much. I’m
sorry…I’m so terribly sorry…."
I looked at the grandfather clock. It was twenty minutes to eleven o’clock.
One hour and twenty minutes to Christmas.
A year ago, by this time, Sakura, Yusuke and I were dancing around the Christmas tree as a Christmas carol played on our component.
Now, the house was dark. No sound echoed off the walls. Sakura and Atsuko-san were asleep.
There I was, waiting for Christmas…alone.
I had no idea being alone on Christmas Eve was this hard. Not until this.
The smell of roasted ham and assorted pies wafted from the dining room to the den. It only made me sicker to the stomach. I was all prepared, yet I was miserable. I was prepared for nothing.
And I was still wearing that stupid slinky gown.
My eyes traveled towards the window beside me. With my hand, I wiped the frost off the cold glass and looked outside.
The houses around were smaller than ours, I could see. But they were a lot better than this big empty house. They were bursting with activity, Christmas lights hanging here and there, children playing in the snow.
I tore my eyes away from the outside world. As I did, my eyes met the magnificent Christmas tree.
I got up slowly and walked toward it, eyeing the angel on top of it. The I reached down for the plug of the Christmas lights.
Suddenly, the room was brightened up with yellow light coming from our tree.
The light that was reflected from the tinsels and balls were bounced back on the walls, so that the room was glittered with multicolored speckles of light. Everything was beautiful.
Then I turned on our Christmas lights on the outside, those that Yusuke had put the morning after we decorated the Christmas tree. I remembered him huffing in the cold up there on the roof, rubbing his hands together, while I looked up at him, snickering.
I missed Yusuke.
I sat on the floor in front of the tree and crossed my legs. I stared at it. We had put the tree up for two years already, and this was the third time. Everytime it was put up, the whole family was there, and we watched as the lights were turned on.
I now realized how close to my heart my family is. The divorce was just a damn—it wasn’t anything. It would never make my life any easier. I would miss Sakura, I would miss…Yusuke….
I hugged my knees together.
Yusuke…the one person I have always loved.
And forever will.
My eyes closed, and soon, I was sleeping.
I suddenly felt a pair of arms wrap around my cold body. The familiar scent of his cologne hit me next.
I buried my face into what I knew was Yusuke’s bosom.
For several moments, we stayed that way, I resting in the warmth of my husband’s body.
"Keiko…"
I whimpered as I forced myself to raise my head to look at his face.
He had been crying, I saw from his eyes. Now they overwhelmed me with warmth and love, suddenly filling my heart with joy.
My lips slowly turned upwards. "Y-Yusuke…you came back."
"I had to be home…for Christmas."
I burst into tears and thrust my face into his chest. "I’m sorry, honey…I’m so sorry. Forgive me for everything…."
His fingers dug across my hair. "Keiko…you know I have always forgiven you. I don’t hate you for anything."
I remained silent.
Then Yusuke took my hands and stood up, pulling me as well. His eyes never left my face. And I couldn’t tear my eyes off his, either.
He carried my hands to his shoulders and let them rest on his broad collar. He slipped his hands around my waist. He swayed me to one side.
We slow-danced for some time, though without music, each minute bringing us closer to each other’s body…until we reached the point when we were embracing each other.
"Yusuke?" I whispered softly.
"Yes?" he said in my ear.
"Do you…do you love me, Yusuke?"
I felt Yusuke’s arms tighten around me.
"I do," Yusuke murmured. "I love you, Keiko. You and Sakura mean everything to me. And if you leave me, I don’t know what I’d do with my life!"
My heart swelled with what Yusuke had just told me. It was like a renewed declaration of love that was there between us all along.
I’d never let it slip away again. Never ever.
"Do you love me, Keiko?"
I smiled. "I say this once, Yusuke, and I’ll mean it until the end of time." I paused. "Eien ni…ai shiteru."
"Keiko…."
I clutched him tighter as my own tears fell on his tuxedo. He did the same, inhaling in my hair.
At that moment, the grandfather clock chimed twelve times.
We stood there in silence, still not letting go of one another.
"Merry Christmas…" Yusuke murmured. "My love."
~owari~
(c) Manille Alcaraz 120899.
I Do (Cherish You)
98 Degrees (From the album 98 Degrees and Rising)
I do, I do, I do, I do….
All I am, all I'll be
Everything in this world
All that I'll ever need
Is in your eyes
Shining at me
When you smile I can feel
All my passion unfolding
Your hand brushes mine
And a thousand sensations
Seduce me 'cause I….
I do cherish you
For the rest of my life
You don't have to think twice
I will love you still
From the depths of my soul
It's beyond my control
I've waited so long to say this to you
If you're asking do I love you this much
I do….
In my world, before you
I lived outside my emotions
Didn't know where I was going
Till that day, I found you
How you opened my life
To a new paradise
In a world torn by change
Still with all of my heart
Till my dying day
I do (I'll cherish you my baby)
Cherish you (This much I know it's true)
For the rest of my life
You don't have to think twice
I will (I'll always love you baby)
Love you still (This much my love it's true)
From the depths of my soul
It's beyond my control
I've waited so long to say this to you
If you're asking do I love you this much
Yes I do….
(I really love you) I do
(I really love you)
If you're asking do I love you this much
Baby I do (I'll cherish you my
baby)
Cherish you (This much I know it's true)
From the depths of my soul
It's beyond my control
I've waited so long to say this to you
If you're asking me do I love you this much
Baby, I do....
I do….