Hiei: Heart of Ice
by White Cat
I've already posted this on the other ML (the one on cophrog.com), so some people (like me ^_^;) might recieve two copies of this. ^_^; I'll probably post my other YYH "Images", later (I've got one for Yuusuke, Kuwabara, and Kurama ... hey! I got all four guys! Cool! ), but we never know. ^_^;
For those of you squeamish on the subject, it's NOT yaoi. :p~ Only Kurama's has any hints of it, and it's not towards Hiei, and I don't even remember if I edited it out or not. ^_^;
Spoilers for Hiei's childhood - specifically, the part with Shigure, and Hiei's "promise" to him.
Enjoy! (I hope. ^_^;)
--WhiteCat
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Hiei: Heart of Ice
I hate this.
I must live a lie every time I return to this place; a masquerade that hurts more than anything else that has ever been done to me.
But I have no other choice.
She is everything good and innocent in my world; if I made my presence more obvious in her life, I would begin to contaminate her, until that purity - that all-accepting love of everything around her - would be soiled beyond redemption.
And I won't allow that.
She is a part of me, both in heart and soul. It is heartening, to see how someone as evil as I can still have some shard of good left in me; *she* is the embodiment of it all - the living evidence that maybe, just maybe, I really do have a soul.
And that, maybe, I'm truly worth something.
She gives me hope by her mere presence; the fact that she is still so open to affection, and to caring for others, even after suffering for so long under the control of that fucking *bastard*, Tarukane -
I admire her so much.
Despite the power I have, and how feared my name is throughout the Makai, she is so much stronger. She has passed through trials that would have broken me long ago, and has emerged virtually unscathed. There are physical scars, yes - it took a while before I noticed them, but I can see them: faint, white, and nearly invisible against the pale skin of her face and arms - but there are no shadows in her eyes, no hesitance when she speaks or moves.
I'm so proud of her.
But I can't tell her that. I never will be able to, either.
As much as I love to be around her, to bask in the warmth she casts into my existence, it also hurts, like the dull grinding of a knife in my entire being.
The promise I made to Shigure is not an obstacle. It never has been.
It's just that she frightens me, plain and simple.
How can I ever live up to what she expects of me - of the phantom brother she hopes to one day meet?
There's no way I can become what she wants; the value of my soul is a paltry thing, barely worthy of even being in her presence. I've been used and broken far too many times to ever be anything like her, or her dreams.
Yet, the faith she has, both in me, and the man that she imagines her brother to be, is unwavering - and utterly terrifying.
How can I fail that sort of complete trust?
What kind of bastard would that make me?
I can't let that happen. Not to her, or to myself.
Telling her would destroy her.
And breaking her would mean breaking *me*, finally, beyond repair.
It is my trust in her ability to see everything as good that keeps me from going insane, or succumbing to the darkness that beckons to me, every day of my life.
She is my anchor in this wretched life, the reason I keep fighting, and coming back to this damned place.
She is the reason why I why I have not killed a certain brash oaf years ago, the reason I did not leave the Urameshi Team, once my sentence was completed.
Otherwise, I would have left years ago. Left without ever looking back; I have connections in the Makai, where I could find decent work, and now that I serve under Mukuro, I could spend the rest of my life in my homeworld, and never have to set foot in this dirty, ugly, noisy world of humans ever again.
But *she* is here.
And nothing in my life has ever held me as strongly as she does. Without her, there is nothing for me, in the Ningenkai. Not even the tenative friendships I have made with the others are strong enough - or lasting enough - to keep me returning, like she does.
Little sister, there's so much I want to tell you, so much I'd love to know about you.
I hope you understand that, even if I cannot ever tell you so. You can't ever know how much it hurts me, to look into your eyes and lie to you.
No, I still haven't found your brother, I have to keep saying, whenever you ask. No, I don't know where he is, or where he might be. But I promise to keep looking, until I find him, for you.
I promise.
Only for you.
I'll always be there.
Look for me, in the shadows.
I'll watch over you forever, little sister.
Remember that.