Is
It Wrong to Fall in Love?
chapter 8
by Manille
I must be out of my mind.
I reasoned out that I have every right to be insane at this time; after all, those who died of cancer and diseases like that knew that they were near death before the time, and they acted peculiarly as well. Like how I was acting that morning.
The streets of Tokyo were almost empty; everyone had gone to work, or to school. No one noticed me as I flew around the city, watching every ningen, every tree, every house; trying to reminisce the times when I myself flew about, comforting the souls of the departed.
When I myself needed comfort from my friends, no one was there.
I remembered Koenma. How tears streamed down his cheeks when I read the scroll—that fateful scroll. Yes, he did comfort me. Now I wished I had stayed there in Reikai, letting him embrace me and tell me everything is going to be all right.
But I knew that NOTHING would ever be all right. Because in a few hours, he will be married, and I will die. Die, literally.
I will die with my heart broken.
I left the city streets with tears in my eyes. It was crazy, visiting places that brought memories back to me. It only reminded me of those days when I was carefree and when I didn’t care about loving and getting involved romantically. And it hurt me a lot more than I could take.
As I flew about, I saw a green patch of land near what seemed like a stream. It was near the edge of the city, even farther than where the old railroad lines lay. It looked peaceful enough.
I descended, keeping an eye on a shady spot. I needed to rest. And to think. And to cry it all out.
The grass was a bit damp, indicating a drizzle perhaps last night. I remembered Hinageshi. She must have had a hard time bringing Yusuke and Keiko back to Ningenkai, what with the rain.
I noticed another thing, though. The grass was a lively green in color. It was amazing to think of how many things I found pretty today that weren’t that pretty before.
I stretched my legs and gazed at the sky. I found myself marveling at its vastness and at its ability to hold those towering clouds on its bosom.
And I also found myself crying once again.
I should have lived life to the fullest. If I had only known that I’m going to die soon….
"Botan?"
My head shot up upon hearing my name.
"K-Keiko?"
Keiko was standing on the top of the slope that led towards the stream. She had a plaintive smile on her face. "Hi," she inaudibly said. "May I sit down with you?"
"Uh…of course."
"Thanks." She carefully walked over and sat a few feet to my right.
"So." I turned away and wiped my tears away. "What brought you here?"
"Yusuke…and I always come here," she said. She was pained, apparently. She bent her knees and hugged them to her chest. "It’s been more than two years since I came here alone. And look, I found you here."
I shrugged. "Small world."
"Yeah. I always thought only Yusuke and I know this place."
After tonight, this is all yours again. I simply couldn’t push my thoughts of death away.
"Anyway, what are you doing here in Ningenkai?" I heard Keiko inquire quietly. "Aren’t you supposed to be getting ready for the wedding? I mean, you are the maid—"
"DON’T even mention the wedding to me," I snapped, cutting her off.
Suddenly, I felt bad. I had snapped at Keiko last night, and also today, right now. It wasn’t fair, I knew. We both felt bad.
But Keiko didn’t say anything back.
"Look, Keiko. I’m sorry."
"No, it’s okay." Her gaze was set on the stream firmly. "I could remember at least three times when I’ve snapped at you."
I smiled wryly. "Really?"
Keiko didn’t answer my question. "It IS Koenma-sama, right?"
I turned away. "Hai."
We both fell silent.
I felt the need to talk. Maybe all I needed was to pour out what was inside of me to someone whom I can trust. Besides, after tonight….
As if dying would solve a lot of my problems.
It WOULD, right?
"Keiko?"
"Hmm?"
"May I…talk for a while?"
Keiko nestled her head on her knees so that she could face me. "Of course."
I let my breath out. "It’s…about Koenma. I hope you don’t mind."
"No, go ahead. I don’t mind."
Her face was again a blur in front of me. I looked up again so that my tears wouldn’t fall down. But they did, anyway.
"It’s very simple, actually. And all the while complex." I chuckled bitterly. "Now that I look back at it, it doesn’t seem impossible to laugh at such a stupid thing."
When Keiko didn’t say anything, I went on.
"When Koenma-sama and Ayame got engaged, I couldn’t help but feel…you know. And after the most serious self-searching I’ve ever done, poof. I knew at once that I had been in love with Koenma all the time. And the worse thing is," I added, "Koenma had been in love with me before."
Keiko’s eyebrows raised.
"Yeah. But he didn’t know what he was feeling then. At least that was what he told me." I shook my head. "How would I know he wasn’t lying?"
"I don’t think he lied to you," Keiko told me when I stopped talking.
"Oh, I don’t know." I threw my hands up. "Men. They’re so confusing."
"Heh." Keiko snickered, straightening up. "Tell me about it."
We grinned at each other wryly. Then we broke out into giggles.
"Hmm. First time you had to deal with one, huh?" Keiko asked.
"Hai. I mean, we ferry girls don’t have a choice." I rolled my eyes. "The only men I know there are Koenma-sama, Enma-sama, and all the onis."
"No, I mean…human beings…or souls you ferried?"
"Oh, yeah." I almost laughed out loud. "I found LOTS of cute guys around."
Keiko’s eyes widened at that.
"Kuwabara-kun practically drooled whenever he saw me…that is, before he saw Yukina-chan. Kurama-kun is very handsome. Same goes with Hiei, if he isn’t that creepy."
I shuddered a bit, remembering Hiei’s threat if I tell anyone about him being Yukina-chan’s brother. "If you want to die, tell everyone that," he had said.
I smiled at Keiko. "Yusuke is cute too—but he’s yours. And you gotta believe me, when you saw us together on the rooftop way back then—"
"Oh, that?" Keiko laughed. "When you told me he worked for you in a detective agency, I found no reason to be angry at you anymore. Especially after you helped me outrun my teachers—"
"Right! I remember how you slapped your sensei."
"Oh, don’t remind me!" She buried her face in her hands. "I still can’t believe it did that! And it has been…six years or so!"
It felt good to recollect the past. Those times were when our lives were full of adventures; when the Reikai tantei, their so-called four-girl cheering squad, Koenma-sama, George, Genkai-baasan, and many other people worth remembering revolved around my life. Time seemed to fly by so fast, and each and every day then, there was at least something to look forward to, that now, I couldn’t remember everything that had happened to us.
But I can still remember all the many lessons that have been learned by each of us; lessons of friendship, teamwork, and most of all, love.
Love.
When I spoke again, my voice went back to its grave tone. "Six years. Yeah."
Keiko bit her lip. "I’m sorry if I had said something."
"No, you didn’t. I just…remembered all the guys."
"Hmm."
I glanced at her furtively. "Keiko?"
"Yeah?"
I took a deep breath, and exhaled, tossing my bangs. "It…it just gets confusing, all the more, right? I mean, during all those years, Koenma-sama was always with me. Yet I didn’t even…you know, acknowledge my feelings…."
"That’s how I was when Yusuke died the first time around." Sadness was present in Keiko’s voice. "I had somehow felt, before that, that I had been loving this friend I had since time knew when. And that it was a different kind of love. And I just realized that…when he was dead already." She smiled a bit. "So you can just imagine the euphoria I was in when he woke up from that coma."
"And he had to go away…lots of times."
Keiko hugged her knees again. "Right."
"It hurts a lot, huh." I felt my tears welling up again.
"I guess…love’s always like that."
I brushed a stray tear away. "Keiko…is it wrong to fall in love?"
Keiko sighed. Such a pointless question, she might be thinking.
Then I noticed that she, too, was crying. "No," she replied. "No matter how hard it is…no, it isn’t wrong." She shook her head, trying to sound cheerful. "Love is not a bad thing. If anything…even if it does hurt…it’s still the greatest feeling in the world."
"Y-you think that?"
"I know. Believe me. And…"
"What?" I sniffled.
"Y-you know what, Botan-chan?" Her hair got caught on her wet cheeks. "There is one thing I learned after all those years I spent waiting for Yusuke."
"And…what’s that?"
"That I…have to let go of the one I love."
I looked at Keiko. She was staring straight at me.
"Botan-chan." She crawled up to where I sat and embraced me. "I guess I have to learn that lesson again. And I believe you also have to."
"Oh, Keiko-chan," I whispered bitterly.
We clung on to each other like that, both crying, grieving for our losses. We both needed each other’s shoulder to cry on.
"Feel better?" Keiko asked.
"Yeah. Yeah," I replied truthfully, breaking our hug. "Thanks a lot, Kei-chan."
"Thanks too, Botan-chan."
We grinned at each other. I was never more thankful for a friend than then.
I looked up. The sun was already high up in the sky. It was probably close to noontime.
"Hey," I suddenly said, standing up, "aren’t you supposed to be in school."
"Can you believe it?" Keiko stood up as well, fixing her hair as she did. "I cut classes."
"Wow."
We climbed to the top of the slope, and I, taking a last look at the serene, sparkling stream, made my oar appear in my hand. "I guess I have to go now."
"Matte." Keiko took both of my hands in hers, looking into my eyes strangely. "I really don’t know why I want to tell you this today, of all the days," she lightly chuckled, "but…thank you." She smiled. "For everything."
I smiled back. She must have sensed it indirectly.
I took her in my arms again, letting my tears squeeze out of my eyes. This would be the last time I’d ever see her. "I’m thankful you’re my friend, Kei-chan." I held her at arm’s length. "You be careful."
"Hai. And take care of yourself too."
I nodded once as I rode on my oar. "Sayonara, tomodachi."
I saw one of Keiko’s eyebrows twitch when I said "sayonara" instead of my usual "ja", but that look was quickly covered up by another one of her brilliant smiles. "I’ll see you soon…my friend."
"I’ll see you soon," she had said.
If she only knew how wrong she was at that.
I sped off. We gazed at each other before we disappeared from each other’s sight.
She wouldn’t come to the wedding. That was the last I saw of her.
Right. Yusuke and Keiko wouldn’t come to Koenma and Ayame’s wedding.
That meant I had to see Yusuke first…before…that.