Lullaby 
by Moerae

Hello, minna-san! 

::sweatdrop:: I'm not sure how many would actually remember this fic called Atonement where Kurama had to marry human girl due to some circumstances but this one is sequel to that. If you are still confused (since I've got some comments saying that it was confusing) just e-mail me and I would answer them. ^^ This fic is not that depressing even though it depends on how you look at it. ::sweatdrop:: This is yaoi and somewhat angst. Dang, I would get bad reputation if I keep this thing up. ::sweatdrop:: Anyway I'll stop babbling and please send me comments? I would really appreciate them. I'm not going to bite so don't worry. ::grins:: Thank you very much for reading! Ja ne! 

~Sylvia 

p.s. This is getting to be repetitive, but then I really appreciate neechan's help on getting this thing revised and stopping me from trashing it away. ^^ Arigato!!! 

Lullaby 


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A beautiful melody… who…? 

I open my eyes… and just as expected it is still quite dark in the room. I turn over and gaze at the clock. It's only 3:00 in the morning so… where is this melody coming from? No one beside Shuuichi should be in the room…. 

I turn over on my side and gaze at the beautiful form of Shuuichi beside me. I find it reassuring that he is here beside me, as my husband. He is mine now… he is finally mine and mine alone. Shuuichi… even if he doesn't love me 'yet' he will soon enough. After all I have a life time to make him truly mine and make him forget everything… including his lover or should I say… his ex-lover? 

I push myself up and lean slightly against his slender form. I wonder what he is dreaming of…. He is beautiful like this… so vulnerable yet strong. I don't know why… but I can feel something within him that radiates power. And it makes him even more attractive. 

I love him… I know I do. He is the only one who can make me feel whole. Even if our marriage was a result of Shiori-san's request… we can make it a perfect one. He just needs a little more time to… adjust to new changes. He'll forget about that little boy soon enough…. Soon he'll love me in return. 

I close my eyes, reassured by that simple thought…. But as I do, I can hear that faint yet hauntingly beautiful melody again. It's soothing and peaceful…. And I find myself unable to resist Sleep's gentle pull. 

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There… it's that same melody again. 

Every night, I wake up in the middle of night by that melody, but when I open my eyes and pull myself from the arms of Dream, I find nothing in the room save the soft breathing of my husband. It was as if the melody was just a fragment of my dream… but I know it was there. 

I don't know why… but I think I'm beginning to look forward to hearing that melody every night. The melody is very soft… it's almost like a lullaby except it's… sad. It feels as if the singer is crying…. 

"Shuuichi?" I pull his suit from the closet. Hmm… which necktie should I choose for him today? I think this dark navy one would do fine…. 

"What is it, Yui?" He turns. He looks better now that he is sleeping well. The dark circles under his jade eyes are gone…. Strangely, ever since that melody began, he was able to sleep well. It is as if that melody is acting as lullaby for him…. 

"Have you noticed something strange going on during the night?" I try to sound as nonchalant as possible. I hope he won't think I'm having hallucinations. 

"What do you mean by strange things?" He picks up the necktie that I choose for him. Even now… he won't let me do it. He probably needs more time… he might not forgive me for the time being, but I know he'll realize that he has done the right thing. He couldn't possibly have a normal relationship with a male! Even if that boy was pretty, it's just not right. And when he realizes that… he'll smile again. I know he will…. 

"Umm… like a melody in the middle of night? I think it went like somewhat like this…." I try to remember the melody and hum to it. No… wait. Did the note go up at this point or did it go down? I can't quite grasp it despite the fact that I have been listening to it for a very long time. "No… just forget it. I must have been imagining…. Shuuichi? Daijoubu desu ka?" 

"I'm… okay. It's just something in my eyes. I'm not going to eat breakfast… I'm late. I'm sorry… I'm sorry." He hurries out of the door, leaving me dazed in the room. 

If I wasn't completely imagining things… he was crying…. 

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The moon was high and clear…. And for some reason I can't sleep. 

Shuuichi… he was crying today. There were tears in his green eyes… tears that reflected the bright morning sun. 

I have seen him cry only once during my entire time with him. It was when Shiori-san died…. That was the last trace of emotion I have seen since. I can't remember, but starting from some point,… he has stopped responding to the world… it is as if his core had been torn away and he can no longer respond. 

Click 

Huh? I quietly turn toward the source of the sound… and to my surprise, the window is slightly opened. I quickly close my eyes, fervently wishing that it is just my imagination. Should I wake Shuuichi up? But I don't have the courage to open my eyes and check to make sure. Shuuichi… please wake up! 

I didn't know how many minutes had passed but somehow… I fell asleep. And when I slowly opened my eyes again… the window was still slightly open, a cool night breeze gently stirring the curtain, but there is no other sound that indicated a break in. I was about to sigh in relief when I noticed a familiar melody filling the room…. 

Wait… that melody, then who? 

I shift my weight slightly and wince as the bed sheets make a rustling noise, but the melody didn't stop. I waited a little more then turned toward the direction where the music was coming from. It was from Shuuichi's side…. 

I almost shouted when I noticed a small figure bending near Shuuichi, but I somehow managed to stop myself. That slender figure was familiar… it was that boy, Shuuichi's little 'lover'. He was playing gently with Shuuichi's flaming red hair and softly humming that familiar melody, completely unaware of my gaze. 

I wanted to get up and push him away from MY Shuuichi. He was mine now. But looking at that boy… I couldn't bring myself to do that. He looked… innocent and lost… just like how I was when my step-parents died…. So I merely continued to watch him. 

"Kurama… are you happy now? I saw you in the morning…. You were crying. I don't think I ever seen you cry before…. But why, today did you…? Is it because you remembered? I don't want you to shed any tears. So if memories cause you pain… then forget them before they hurt you okay? I'll keep them for both of us… so you can forget them, ne? I'm sorry I couldn't say this sooner… but I don't hate you. I don't hate you…." 

I love you…. 

Even if he didn't say it aloud… I could still hear them. 

I silently turned towards the opposite direction and forced myself not to hear the soft whispers of that boy. I didn't know why… but it felt wrong to eavesdrop on them…. I felt as if I didn't have any right to interfere. 

And for first time ever since I married Shuuichi… I began to doubt my decision as the lullaby continued. 

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Every night, the lullaby continued…. 

In the middle of night, that little boy would come and sing that beautiful lullaby for Shuuichi and would leave again as soon as he was sure Shuuichi was deep in slumber. 

And every single time I stayed awake and listened to those words…. Those words were very simple… yet they almost felt sacred in my heart. It was like a confession of the heart…. 

I remember the first time when I saw that boy… I think his name was Hiei. He looked so closed off at first…. He didn't talk much and I merely thought he was just one of those silent types… but now listening to him, I think he was only hiding behind that deceiving mask… just as Shuuichi is hiding behind that seamless mask of a gentle smile…. 

One early morning, Hiei stayed longer than when he usually does. And that was the last time I heard his lullaby…. 

"Kurama… I'm going to leave for the Makai now. I don't want to leave you, but… Mukuro is calling me. And this world has no meaning for me now. I wonder if I'll be able to see you again in this life-time. But remember… when I die, I'll return to you, okay? Maybe then… I wouldn't have to leave you again. Good bye…." 

And that morning… I found a small but perfect black gem beside Shuuichi, the last gift…. 

I wanted to give it to Shuuichi… but at the same time I was too afraid to give it to him. I didn't want to lose him. Even if I could no longer hate that little boy for taking Shuuichi's heart away, I couldn't bear the thought of losing him. So… I hid the gem. Maybe… when I can finally learn to let him go, I'll return it to him. 

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And now… forty years have passed since then. I now have two beautiful children and one adorable grandchild... a child who looks just like 'him.' 

That day when my son brought that little baby to Shuuichi for him to name, I knew that some memories last forever no matter how much pain it causes…. 

"Hiei… That is this child's name." Shuuichi gently lifted the baby up from his mother's bosom and cradled him within his arms. At that moment, Hiei lifted his little chubby hand and softly touched Shuuichi's face as if he approved the name that was given to him. And after forty years… I have seen Shuuichi truly smile again. None of those fake smiles, but just a genuinely happy smile that I have been longing to see ever since it was lost to me. 

Perhaps it has already been decided that I would not be one who will return that beautiful smile of his…. I took it away from him, so… maybe it was Hiei's job to give it back to him. 

Maybe… Hiei was able to keep his promise and perhaps that's why we have a grandchild who looks exactly like him. A child who may just be the answer to the healing of a lonely heart…. 

But I still couldn't let go of that small token of their lost… love. 

Would I ever be able to give it back to him…? 

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One quiet Sunday morning when I was tending to my small rose garden… a soft sound reaches my ears, shattering the silence that surrounds me with unexpected force. 

A hauntingly familiar sound… that same melody which has embedded itself within the deepest part of my past memory. It intertwines itself around the scent of roses and fills my whole being with pain and happiness that echoes through from each note…. 

Even without me realizing it… my feet leads me to the source of the melody… the nursery for our grandson. 

Has Hiei… really come back after all these years? 

For some reason… I couldn't imagine Hiei becoming aged just like us. I don't know why but maybe the air that surrounded him…. That air of extreme desperation… it softened whenever he was with Shuuichi but it never vanished. That's the only thing that I could remember clearly even after all this time. And his lullaby…. 

My heart does not even flutter as I softly open the door to the nursery room. Maybe… I was expecting this day to come…. 

But to surprise… there was no sign of Hiei. Only Shuuichi's flame red locks greets my eyes. His red hair… hair that still retains its beautiful color despite the time that drags us to Death. 

"Shuuichi? That melody…." I know that I don't need to elaborate further. Maybe he knew… all along. Why does this small black gem within my bosom feel so heavy…? Would this be the time when I let go of this precious jewel? 

"Yui… you know this one, ne? That morning… you asked me if I heard this melody." Shuuichi turns… little Hiei cradled within his arms. 

"…Hai." What can I say…? That I am still uncertain if I could let go of him…? He and Shiori-san were only ones who cared for me ever since my step- parents died…. How can I let of such warmth? I just want to cling to it as long as possible… so that I wouldn't feel cold anymore. 

"This melody… this was the lullaby that I used to sing for Hiei whenever he was having nightmares… did you know that? He had lots of nightmares… he never told me what those were about… but this was the only thing that could soothe him to a peaceful sleep. He had a bad childhood… so bad that his heart was scarred countless times by his own memories…. " Shuuichi frowns slightly as he trails off. 

"Maybe… I only caused him pain in his memories." Shuuichi gently fondles little Hiei's silky baby hair as if that small gesture would soothe away all the pain that his Hiei must have experienced. 

"Why didn't you go back to him…. You know you could have." What am I saying? Am I pushing Shuuichi away from me… or am I merely setting him free? 

"I would be a liar if I say that I never wanted to do it, ne? I wanted to… but when you said you heard Hiei's lullaby… I knew that he wanted me to keep this reality. He would never let others see him unless he wishes and he let you get a glimpse of his heart. Maybe… it is because he knew you were lonely as well. Hiei has always been somewhat of a masochistic. He is so stupid…." 

"Hiei… he'll return soon. He said he'll come back… so I know he will. This little Hiei is proof of his words…." Shuuichi smiles and for the first time… it was for me, the one who has caused him all this pain. 

"…How?" I ask. Logic no longer works for me. I'm just letting everything flow, let it follow its course. I now know it is futile to try and understand. 

"I do not know…. But Hiei's death is near…. He would come back when he feels that his time has ended." Shuuich says those frightening words as if he is talking about the mere weather. Isn't he afraid…? Isn't he afraid of Death and its power? 

"Shuuichi… how can you say such a thing without fear? Didn't you… love Hiei?" And… his answer surprises me. 

"Yui… why should I? He's just returning from a long trip…. He is keeping his promise… so I am keeping my promise as well." And he continues to sing that soft lullaby to the innocent ears of Hiei…. 

Lullaby… their lullaby. It's the token of their promise… isn't it? 

Guarding each other's heart… never letting go. 

Even if their bodies are separated… their souls never parted. The lullaby was their link so… love continues even after all these time…. 

Maybe… that is why I can't bring myself to hate… to be jealous… anything at the one who has taken away my husband's heart…. 

No… not mine. Always his….. 

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Today… Shuuchi said Hiei died…. 

And today little Hiei asked me if I loved him…. 

Those innocent crimson eyes… so different from the other pair yet surprisingly the same, sincerely looking up at me. Maybe… this was the time when our sins stop… when atonement begins…. 

Yes… I did love him, Hiei-chan… so that's why I'm letting him go to fly where he belongs…. 

And that night… I have given Shuuichi back his jewel… and for first time in a very long time… I felt free. 

Free of my own shackles…. 

Trust me Hiei… next time we meet, we would meet in a place where no loneliness could reach us…. And I'll wish for your happiness for I have taken it away in this life time…. 

Next time we meet…. 

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Here rests Shuuichi Minamino. 

Faithful and beloved husband and father. 

One who has been loved far more than anyone. 

Find peace in a world where no grief or loneliness can touch. 

So it has ended…. 

But he'll be back… as long as Hiei is here, he'll be back. 

And I'll continue this lullaby for you… until Hiei finds you again…. 


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Standard disclaimer applied. 

None of the characters except Yui belongs to me. ^^;; These adorable characters are created by Togashi-sama. ::pinches chibi Hiei-chan's cheek:: Waaaah!!! Sooo kawaii!!! Anyway did you like it? Hate it? As long as it's not flame, please send me comments. ^^ I would love to get them. Onegai? And I accidentally downloaded the song, but it surprisingly fitted the fic perfectly (too well actually) so I got the lyric to it. ^^; 

Lullaby (Goodnight my angel) 

Goodnight my angel, time to close your eyes. 

And save these questions for another day. 

I think I know what you've been asking me. 

I think you know what I've been trying to say. 

I promise that I would never leave you. 

And you should always know 

Where ever you may go no matter where you are 

I'll never be far away. 

Good night my angel, now it's time to sleep 

And still so many things I want to say 

Remember all the songs you sang for me. 

When we went sailing on an emerald bay 

And like a boat out on the ocean 

I'm rocking you to sleep. 

The water is dark and deep inside this ancient hut 

You'll always be a part of me. 

Good night my angel, now it's time to dream 

And dream how wonderful your life will be 

Someday your child may cry and if you sing this lullaby 

Then in your heart there will always be part of me 

Someday we'll all be gone but the lullaby go on and on 

They never die 

That's how you and I will be. 

This song doesn't belong to me and I don't know who the singer is. ^^;; Don't sue me!!! 

nyx_moerae@hotmail.com 



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