Our Worst Nightmare
by Sitachan
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Username: Sitachan
E-mail: TweetyBird3413@aol.com
Category: Parody
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I hate to say it, but this is true. *sigh* CN’s gotten a hold of YYH.
Audience: NOOOOO!
I know, I know....Luckily, they’re not completely editing it. *holds back tears*
Anyway....My name’s Ashleigh, but you can call me Sita-chan. Really. My ningen name sucks. Tanytway, I’m an aspiring young author. *grins* These are my muses, Liz and Libby.
Liz and Libby: Hiya!
This originally started as a two-parter, but I changed it to a one-shot. I figured it wouldn’t be as hard on you. ^-^ I got the idea when I first heard about Cartoon Network and their sudden obsession with Yuu Yuu.
Disclaimers, disclaimers, I don’t own Yuu Yuu Hakusho, blah, blah, yadda, yadda, don’t sue me, I’m poor. Please don’t laugh. This is one of my first fics. On with the story!
Our Worst Nightmare
Sita-chan hummed “The Real Folk Blues” as she surfed through her favorite Cowboy Bebop site.
“Eh?” she mumbled to herself as she read the news page. “Cartoon Network has just announced that Saturday nights will contain the Anime Action Block,” Sita-chan read out loud. The teenager smiled sadly and shook her head. “Wonder which one’s they’re destroying this time. Let’s see...Pilot Candidate....Another Gundam show....” Sita-chan’s eyes widened. “No way...” she whispered. She whipped off her glasses, cleaned them, and returned them to her dark brown eyes.
The message remained the same.
“LIZ! LIBBY! GET IN HERE!” the freshman shrieked. A few seconds later, a tiny, winged girl with long brown hair and glasses flew in.
“What’s up, Sita-chan?” Libby asked cheerily. Sita-chan pointed a shaking finger at the computer screen. Libby gasped. “LIZ!” the muse cried. “LIZ, COME HERE!” A taller, but still small, figure with curly red hair and a bad attitude glided lazily over to the computer.
“I’m missing the fifth Simpsons Halloween special,” Liz complained. “What are you screaming about, Libby?”
“They got YYH,” Libby said, sniffling. Liz’s mouth dropped open.
“Cartoon Network took Yuu Yuu Hakusho?!” Liz cried. Sita-chan nodded sadly.
“I wonder if the guys have heard,” Libby wondered out loud. Sita-chan pulled her blue jacket on over her butterfly T-shirt. “Where you going, Sita-chan?”
“We need to warn the guys. Come on!” With that, Sita-chan stomped twice on her rug. She and her muses were transported to a small pod.
“Konnichiwa, Sita-chan,” a mechanical voice said.
“Iris, I need to get to YYH fast!” Sita cried.
“Transporting now...” Iris the computer replied. With that, Sita-chan, Liz, and Libby faded from sight.
*****
Kuwabara danced around the room for a few seconds, then proceeded to get down on all fours and crawl. Yuusuke stared blankly.
“Um...Babe? Er...That thing with the kid from that show with the hot chick! Uh...”
“Time!” Kurama called with a grin. “It was Dances with Wolves.” Yuusuke sighed.
“Kuso,” he grumbled as he removed his pants. “Who’d have thought that Kurama of all people could make any game involve stripping?” Kurama
grinned evilly.
“Strip charades? Hn. Baka kitsune,” Hiei said as he reached over to pick a card.
“I, the great and powerful Kuwabara Kazuma, refuse to remove any more articles of clothing!” Kuwabara, who had only his pink teddy bear boxers left, crowed. Quite suddenly, the door burst open.
“Stop the presses!” shrieked the voice of a high-school freshman with mousy-brown hair.
“AAAAGH! IT’S HER!” Yuusuke cried as he dove behind the couch. “You are NOT slashing me with Murkuro, you hear me you crazy onna?!”
“I wasn’t really gonna do that, I just wanted to scare you,” Sita-chan said as she walked in, followed by Liz and Libby.
“Konnichiwa, Kurama,” Liz said batting her eyelashes. Kurama looked slightly uncomfortable and moved away from the scarier of Sita-chan’s muses.
“Hn. Go away,” Hiei said. Sita-chan glared at the fire demon.
“I don’t like you[1].”
“That hurts me,” he said sarcastically.
“What do you want, Sita-chan?!” Kuwabara demanded. “I bet it’s some type of battle! OHOHOHOHO! I, the great Kuwabara Kazuma, will take on any quest!” Kuwabara struck a valiant-looking pose as fireworks exploded behind him.
Sita-chan stared blankly.
“Dude,” she said. “You’re rambling about how cool you are in pink teddy bear boxers. Shut up.”
“Gomen...”
“Anyway, guys....I have something really serious to tell you.” Yuusuke popped up from behind the couch.
"Come on, Sita, it can’t be that bad. You act like Cartoon Network’s gonna stick us on Toonami or something,” he said. Yuusuke, Kuwabara, and
Kurama burst out laughing and even Hiei cracked a smile. Sita-chan looked at the ground.
They abruptly stopped laughing. Hiei’s eyes widened.
“You’re not serious, Sita,” Yuusuke said.
“Please tell us you’re kidding,” Kurama said pleadingly.
“I wish I were. But it won’t be completely edited. You won’t end up like...DBZ.”
Everyone shuddered.
“So...We won’t have to say, ‘Gosh darn it’?” Kuwabara asked hopefully. Sita-chan shook her head.
“I’ve got an idea!” Libby cried. “Why do they have to do it at all?”
“What you talkin’ bout, Libby?” Sita-chan asked in Webster style.
“We could fight! We could fight Toonami!” the tiny muse cried, punching her fist into the air.
“Yeah!” the Reikai tantei (minus Hiei) cried and jumped up. Hiei shrugged.
“You can do whatever you want. This doesn’t matter to me.” He calmly sat back down. Sita-chan glared.
“Hiei, you’ve seen Cartoon Network’s DBZ, right?”
“Hai. It’s a mockery.”
“And you’ve seen what they did to the names of the attacks. Am I correct?”
There was a pause.
“Hai...”
“So what do you think they’ll do to your precious Kokuryuhaa?”
There was a slight pause. Hiei jumped up.
“We’ve got to stop them!” he cried.
“But Toonami’s up on Ghost Planet. How are we going to get there?”
“Easy,” Sita-chan said with a grin. “With my handy dandy notepad[2]!” She scribbled a few things on a piece of paper. There were a series of loud pops. “Done! Go look outside!” The tantei, Sita-chan, and the muses all ran outside. There, in Kurama’s front yard, were five spaceships. “Yuusuke, this one’s yours.” She gestured to a slightly beat-up ship.
“The Swordfish,” Yuusuke read off of the side.
“Sometimes you have to kick it to make it work.”
“Where’d you get these?”
“Well, most of them I randomly created from the depths of my inner conscience. But yours, uh...” Sita-chan looked uncomfortable. “I kinda borrowed it...”
Elsewhere...
Spike Spiegel glared as he chewed on the end of his cigarette.
“Where the hell’s my ship?!” he demanded. “It’s gone!”
“Spoooooooky!” Ed replied as she raced around the room with a computer on her head.
“Here’s yours, Hiei. The Black Dragon. I figured it suited you.” Sita pointed to a jet black ship with a silver dragon painted on it. Hiei smirked.
“I like it. You’ve outdone yourself, onna.” Sita-chan stood up proudly.
“Kurama, this little beauty is yours.” Kurama admired his ship, a sleek silver number with the word Quicksilver painted on the side and a pair of yellow fox eyes near the front. “And of course, Kuwabara.”
“The Teddy Bomber?” Kuwabara asked as he looked at the red ship with demented looking teddy bears on it. Sita shrugged.
“He was on Cowboy Bebop! Leave me alone!” She finally hopped into her own dark blue ship, along with Liz and Libby.
“Hey, Sita, what’s yours called?” Yuusuke asked over the intercom. Sita smirked as she started her engine and the rocket flames danced off of her glasses.
“The Crazy Goddess!” she crowed, and tore off into the sky.
“This is the girl we’re counting on to save us from Toonami?” Yuusuke asked.
“I, Kuwabara Kazuma, believe that I would make a better leader than-”
“Shut up, baka ningen.”
“Inari, help me...”
With those final remarks, the tantei flew off into the night sky.
[1] I don't really hate Hiei. But I do a good bit of Kuwabara-bashing in this fic, so I figured I had to at least pretend not to like someone else. Even though I do really like Kuwabara. ^-^
[2] Unintentional Blue's Clues reference. Don't ask me how that snuck its way in here. -_-;;;
*****
Yuusuke was vaguely aware of a far-away voice calling his name. However, he was too busy riding about on a happy bunny made of ice cream to care.
“Yuusuke? YUUSUKE!” Sita-chan’s voice cut through Yuusuke’s dream.
“Eh? What is it?” he asked groggily as he woke up.
“You should probably grab the controls right about now unless you want to CRASH INTO THE METEOR THAT’S RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU!” Sita-chan shrieked.
"YEEK!” Yuusuke stated intelligently and swerved to the left as hard as he could. “...Sita?”
“Yes, Yuusuke?”
“There wasn’t any meteor, was there?”
“You’re quite perceptive.” Hiei snickered.
“Baka ningen,” he said to himself. Sita-chan fiddled with the buttons on the Crazy Goddess and projected her image across the tantei’s ships.
“Okay, kids, here’s the deal. Liz has drawn you up a game plan,” the mousey-haired girl said cheerfully. The tiny, red-headed muse fluttered up to the screen.
“All righty, guys. This is Ghost Planet, Toonami headquarters.” A picture of a small planet with a large building on it appeared. “Yuusuke, Hiei, and Kuwabara will all go through this door and kill as many people as possible.” A large red arrow pointed to a door near the back of the building. “Kurama, you will remove all of your clothes, take pictures of yourself, and send them
to me.” Sita-chan smacked her perverted muse into the back wall of the ship.
“Libby, take over.”
“Kurama, you just go with them. All of your clothes should remain where they are.”
“And what are you guys planning on doing?” Kuwabara demanded. Sita-chan and her muses looked at each other.
“We’re doing...” Libby started.
“Really important...” Sita-chan continued.
“Stuff!” Liz finished. “Just call us on your little picture watch thingies if you need us.”
“Picture watch thingies?” Hiei reiterated.
“You know, those little video things on your watches!”
“Um...We don’t have those,” Yuusuke said.
“Baka! You said you took care of it!” Liz cried as she smacked
Sita-chan on the back of the head.
“ITAI! Okay, I’m sorry!” Sita-chan scribbled quickly on her notepad.
“There, now you’ve got the stupid watches!” The tantei quickly figured out
how to work the watches. Except for Hiei, who attempted to eat his.
“No, no, Hiei, honey,” Libby said gently. “See, you press the little red button and a picture pops up.” Hiei glared as he jabbed at the button.
“Baka onna, making it so complicated...” Sita-chan stared blankly.
“Riiiiight. Okay, guys, Ghost Planet’s coming up in a few minutes. You should probably arm your weapons now. It’s easy. Yuusuke, hit yours really hard,” Sita-chan said cheerfully.
“Just...hit it?”
“Yup. Hit it.” Yuusuke stared for a few seconds, then banged on all of the buttons at the same time. “There ya go! Then you hit the big red button to fire.”
“You mean...this one?” Yuusuke asked as he pressed the big red button. A few missiles shot out and set the back of Hiei’s ship on fire.
“SHI NE, NINGEN! JAO ET-”
“Hiei, you’ll blow everyone else up,” Libby said calmly. Hiei snarled for a few seconds and calmed down.
“How come he never does that when we yell at him?” Kuwabara grumbled.
“Okay, Kuwabara. To arm your gun, bang your head on the buttons.”
“...All right.” Kuwabara banged his head on the buttons. “It didn’t work.” Sita-chan snickered.
“I know. I just wanted to see if you were stupid enough to do it,” she said, adding a few more snickers.
“INJUSTICE[3]!”
“Okay, poke the nose of the giant stuffed bear sitting in the passenger’s seat,” Sita-chan said. Kuwabara raised an eyebrow.
“There’s a giant stuffed bear sitting in the passenger’s seat?” he questioned. “YEEK!” he cried as he noticed an angry-looking teddy bear with fangs in the seat next to him.
“Poke the nose, dammit!”
“Poking...” Kuwabara poked the nose.
“Teddy Bomber armed,” a mechanical voice said.
“I’m such a maniacal genius,” Sita-chan said gleefully. Liz whacked her in the back of the head.
“Stop being all self-glorifying and etcetera.”
“Okay, Hiei. To arm yours, just scream really loud,” Sita-chan said as she rubbed the back of her head. Hiei stared blankly.
“Are you just saying that to try and make me look stupid?” Sita-chan fluttered her eyelashes.
“Would I do that? Come on, I know you like to scream.” Hiei pondered for a few seconds, then screamed very loudly. A dragon-like roar answered him. “SEE?! Ha HA! You didn’t believe me, but I was RIGHT!”
“Hn. Baka onna.”
“Kurama, yours is easy. Just-”
“Take your clothes off!” Liz shrieked.
“Stop trying to get Kurama naked! Kurama, just hit the green button.”
Kurama pressed the green button and the fox eyes on the front of his ship lit up.
“Interesting. I like it,” Kurama said with a smile.
“Now all of you have a big red button like Yuusuke’s. Just press it to fire.”
“Sita-chan, I have a question.” Sita-chan sighed.
“What, Kuwabara?”
“What are we supposed to use these guns for?” Sita-chan realized that they were nearly to the planet.
“Oh, um...I kinda figured...You know, they’d come out at us and try to shoot us or something.” Kuwabara slapped his forehead. The five ships piloted towards the small planet with a large building on it. “Okay, kids, you’re going in,” Sita-chan said with an evil glint in her eye. The tantei landed their ships near the edge of the planet and hopped out[4].
“All right, let’s get going,” Yuusuke said as he led them towards the back door.
“Hiei, whatever you do, don’t just whip out your katana and start slicing throats,” Kurama said. “You need to-” A loud scream from ahead cut him off. “He whipped out his katana and started slicing throats, didn’t
he?”
“Hell, yeah.” The remaining tantei followed the bodies of the guards that Hiei had killed. “Hiei?” Yuusuke called. “Hiei!” They found Hiei staring, wide-eyed, at a Dippin’ Dots machine. “Hiei, what the hell are you doing?”
“Sweet snow...”
“Oh, damn...Someone get him away from the Dippin’ Dots.” Kurama sighed and proceeded to drag Hiei away from the machine.
“NO! GIMME MY SWEET SNOW!” Yuusuke’s watch began to beep. He pressed the button and Libby’s face appeared.
“What’s going on, you guys?” she asked. Yuusuke rolled his eyes.
“Hiei saw the ice cream machine.”
“Oh, dear...”
“Yeah. We’ll check back with you, Libby.” He pressed the button again and her face disappeared. “Come on, guys, we’d better get going.” He turned and noticed Kurama, lying on the floor curled into a tiny ball.
“Kurama, what’s wrong?”
“It’s getting me! I...want to...provide...good
wholesome...entertainment...for small children!” He started to shake. “MY ABILITY TO CURSE IS GONE! GOSH DARN IT!”
ABILITY TO CURSE IS GONE! GOSH DARN IT!”
“This is...just wrong,” Kuwabara said. He slapped Kurama across the face. “Snap out of it, man!” Kurama shook his head quickly.
“I’m okay...I’m okay,” the Youko said. He stood up slowly. “Let’s do this quick before we all stop cursing.” The four tantei walked towards a large padlocked door with a tiny window in it.
“What’s that?” Kuwabara asked. Hiei smirked.
“Why don’t you go stick your head in it?” Kuwabara peeked into the window. Almost immediately, a large, bloodshot eye appeared from the locked side.
“Please...” the voice of the owner of the eye said. “Please, let me out. I need to curse. I need it. Please, please, let me out! I’ll be your best friend!” The
tantei stared at each other. Hiei shrugged.
“Let the poor bastard out,” the fire demon said. Yuusuke shrugged and shot the padlock off of the door. Immediately, a slightly demented Goku raced out of the door.
“HAHAHAHA! DAMMIT! Damn IT! I CAN CURSE AGAIN! THANK YOU, GOD! HAHAHAHA!” The Saiya-jinn quickly raced through the wall, laughing crazily.
“Damn,” Yuusuke said. “That’s freakish.”
“Look!” Kurama cried and pointed at a large green door with happy faces drawn on it. Hiei stepped forward and cautiously opened the door. Everyone stepped into the small room. It was lit by a single light bulb under
which was a huge throne. On the throne was a man. A man with a very large, very scary smile.
“Hello, my dear friends,” said the man. He never stopped smiling. “I’ve been waiting for you.”
“Who the hell is this ass?” Kuwabara yelled.
“No, no, no, my dear friend. No foul language is allowed here.” With that, the man’s eyes glowed red. Kuwabara fell to the ground.
“No...foul...language...” Kurama snickered, somewhat evilly, and slapped Kuwabara across the face.
“Payback...I mean, snap out of it, man! ....It didn’t work,” Kurama said, frowning. Hiei smirked.
“Do it again.” A beep from Yuusuke’s watch distracted everyone. Yuusuke hit the button.
“Stop beating on Kuwabara!” Sita-chan demanded. Yuusuke’s eyes widened.
“How can you see us?” Sita-chan grinned.
“I had Liz secretly plant a camera in Kurama’s hair.” Kurama snapped.
“So that’s what’s been poking me all day...And I just thought it was the toaster oven!” Hiei stared blankly at Kurama.
“You keep a toaster oven in your hair?”
“Forget Kurama’s hair! There’s a dude right out of A Wrinkle in Time sitting in front of you! Kill it!” The man smiled as Kuwabara muttered about not cursing.
“Tell us who you are!” Yuusuke demanded.
“I am Bob. King of all anime destruction.” Sita-chan snickered from Yuusuke’s watch.
“All anime?” she asked. “It looks like Cowboy Bebop slipped through your fingers.” The man’s eyes turned back to its normal color.
“WHY won’t people shut UP about that?!” he ranted to himself. “IT WAS A FLUKE! I had a HANGOVER and it’s not like I can FUNCTION with a hangover!” Kuwabara hopped up.
“That’s his weak spot, you idiots!” Sita-chan shrieked. “Kill him now!” Hiei smirked.
“Let me do it. JAO-” Hiei was cut off by a large ship crashing through the roof and squashing Bob into a small puddle.
“Eh?” all four tantei and Sita-chan stated in unison. A hatch opened in the ship. A guy with fuzzy green hair and a girl with a skimpy, yellow vinyl outfit hopped out. The girl glared at the guy.
“You fell asleep again, DIDN’T you Spike?!” she yelled as she jabbed her fingers in his face. “God, Jet NEVER should have let you pilot!” The guy rolled his eyes.
“Screw you, Faye. Oh, uh, hi, random people whose ceiling we just crashed through,” the guy said. He smirked at them and walked back into the ship, followed by the angry girl. The ship took off, leaving a large puddle of Bob on the floor. Sita-chan’s face on Yuusuke’s watch grew very surprised.
“Was that Spike?” she asked in amazement. “SPIKE! WAIT! I LOVE YOU!” The watch picture went fuzzy. A few seconds later, the tantei noticed the Crazy Goddess speeding after the ship that had crashed through
the roof.
“Can we go home now?” Kuwabara complained. Yuusuke smiled.
“Yeah, let’s get out of here.”
“I want sweet snow!”
“Someone get Hiei some ice cream. Hey! I’ve got a new game!”
“Don’t, Kurama...”
“Strip Parcheesi!”
Everyone groaned.
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[3] Getting all Wufei-from-GW-ish here. ^_^
[4] Yeah, um...I dunno how they can breathe, but they can. That’s the beauty of a vivid imagination!
Well, that’s it. It’s finished. Didja like it? I hope so. Send all comments, flames, or all things of monetary value to TweetyBird3413@aol.com. Thanks for putting up with me and if you liked it, maybe you'll hear form me again. ^-^