A Quest for Pig Day
by Grace Barid and Jessica Brady
Title: A Quest for Pig Day
Authors: (in alphabetical order) Grace Barid and Jessica Brady
Rating: pg-13 for knon-sexual chicken fondling
Disclaimor: Anna, the Mayor, the attendant, and all the events seen here (as well as the little girl--- thanks Grace) belong to us. However, Hiei and Kurama, their clothes, and their chicken costumes belong to whoever the hell owns them. Needless to say, we make no money from these things. Do we look like people with lots of money? Come on!
NOTE: This is a pass-a-fic, which means that two or more people join forces in fic-writing glory, following a few simple rules. First, a writer cannot directly contradict what a previous writer has stated. Also, an entry cannot be more than a paragraph long or less than a sentence. Finally, you can bring in characters from other shows or situations if you wish, but please specify. I hope you enjoy!
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Kurama was down at the farm, a happy place he frequented, but of which no one was aware besides Hiei. Kurama watered the pigs and fixed his farmer hat, and adjusted his... skirt?!?!?! Yes, to conceal his identity Kurama was "Kassy" at this, the farm which gave him joy.
The other people there had absolutely no idea, and Kurama was very content to keep it that way. He gave piggyback rides and ran through meadows clutching onto wide brimmed straw hats. It would be perfect, he thought, if just once instead of grumbling about yellow dresses being for sissies and all that, Hiei would don the pink skirt and white halter that "Kassy" had bought for him. He sighed and went on pouring slop into the trough. He often thought about what it would be like to be a pig. In fact, that was the way his alias, "Kassy" had come about.
Pig day. 1954. Kurama had one last chance to throw the final loop to catch Porko, the wild bull pig. Wa-wa-waZOO! Porko was taken, and Pig day was saved. Kurama stood in the center of the cheering and the boasting and the cheering and smiled. Bacon for everyone!
Later that day, as the pig was being served on silver dinner plates, a letter arrived in the mail at the farm. Despite the radiant capture of Porko, the Demacrats were suing Pig Day. Why? There were no females as active participants. Kurama was furious. He didn't go out there and bust his hump over some pig for nothing. He grabbed an egg and walked out the door. He knew exactly what it was for.
But he knew it could be used as deodorant! For some stuffy-headed Demacrats, that is, hahahaha. But first, the majic. Kurama did some acrobatics and hid the egg in a place no one would ever look (well, in a place most people would never look). He tied his yellow sunbonnet indignantly and stormed outside. At first, he thought there was a light rain. But as it turned out, it was snowing. Kurama thought this was a bit strange, especially since it was July, but he pulled the bonnet closer round his ears. Other than the sunbonnet, he wore blue jeans and a plaid shirt. It was a strange ensemble, but it was all part of the plan. He ran to the stables, where the stablegirl Anna worked. He poked his head around the corner, and when he saw that she was there, he stepped inside. "Anna," he said,"I need your help." "I'll say you do!" she shouted, dragging Kurama off to her bedroom. An hour later he stood in front of a three way mirror, dressed to a tee in a blue sundress, and his hair in a bun.
"It's Cross-Dresser Sunday, Kurama! You'll look like a freak if you're not decently transvestivited!" Kurama nodded. He had forgotten, but the sight of Anna in a jock strap and muscle shirt should have tipped him off. He must be distracted. However, now that he was properly attired, he would run to the Mayor's house and show him a thing or two. He needed the help of a certain handsome stableboy...
Hiei had been mucking out a stall when Kurama covered his eyes and maliciously said, "Geusssssssss Whooooooooo?!?!?!" Hiei didn't want to. "It's Kurmam," he said reluctantly. But when he turned around, he saw the face of a young woman staring at him. "GAH!" He cried, when he realized what it was. "WHY ARE YOU DRESSED LIKE THAT!" "It's Cross-Dresser Sunday," said Kurama matter-of-factly. Hiei glared incessantly. "Come on," Kurama sang cheerfully. "It's time to go see the mayor. We have to get him to write a letter back to those stupid demacrats. "WHY!?!?" screeched Hiei. Kurama looked hurt. "If they think I'm a girl, they can't sue us, can they," he said triumphantly, sweeping out of the barn. With a sigh, Hiei followed the flow of the blue dress out the door.
Kurama could not forget the original slip of the tongue by Hiei, in calling him "Kurmam." If he could just get Hiei to call him that until they saw the mayor, maybe all of Town would be fooled into thinking he really was a beautiful stranger. And he could save Pig Day for all future generations. The newly dubbed "Kurmam" waltzed down Main Street, drawing whistles from all the onlookers. Hiei had to shout "All right! This is not a circus!" more than once, but that was ok. He was dressed as a giant chicken.
That idea had arisen when Hiei had refused to dress as a woman. But when he admitted to Kurama that he had always wondered what it was like to be a chicken, well, the rest explains itself. They trooped up the steps to city hall, and flounced up to the reception desk. The woman there looked like she was trying not to look at them. In fact, she was looking at anything BUT them. "HI!" Kurama burst out towards her. "Like, do you like, have any open, like, appointments for like, the mayor?"
The woman pushed her glasses up her nose. "I swear, you teenage girls today. Now, try to go through five minutes without saying the word "like" incorrectly. Okay, go!" Kurmam began spouting a monologue, and the woman marked the times he said like incorrectly. While she was doing this, Hiei dashed into the mayor's office and began clucking through secret Demacrat documents. He saw one in red block letters that said "TOP SECRET - PIG DAY" Ah, ha! This was the one!
He reached his feathered hands deep into the folder and pulled out copies of a memo that had been sent to all the political leaders of the world. At least, that's what he told Kurmam. When they were safely outside, they began to read. When they were through, they just looked at each other. "So that's their game, is it," sneered Hiei in a hateful type of voice. Kurmam just looked confused. "If they want to see more romance at Pig Day, all they have to do is look here." He swooped the giant chicken in his arms.
Onlookers, as well as representatives from Kodak, paused and took many photos, and for a moment the couple was engulfed in flashing light. When the light was gone, the top secret documents were gone as well. All the lights in the mayor's house were dim. "Damn those demacrats! Damn them all!!" screamed an anguished Kurmam. Then, a tiny child walked up to him, and placed her hand on his knee.
"I believe in you guys. Make the world a better place." All the people then started to cry, and Hiei and Kurmam made their getaway. Panting and leaning against the side of a building that faced an alley, Kurmam started thinking. If what he thought was going to happen happened, he needed a more believable name. After discussing with Hiei for few moments, they had decided on Kassy. Hiei pulled off his giant chicken head and saw all the people crowded around the little girl. Suddenly, Kurama got a glance of Anna as she ran by the building, holding a manilla envelope that said
"Anna." This was, of course, how they knew her name. But it could be a decoy. If what he thought was true, and Kurama was rarely wrong, "Anna" was really a cyborg created with the sole purpose of debunking the mayor's evil deeds, created by Underground Mechanics, a group formed by a basic need for structure and 12 steps. And Kurama surely planned to use this knowledge to the best of his power. "Hiei!" he hissed. "Use your Chicken Diversion Call!" Hiei looked very confused, but did not want to disappoint "Kassy" so he tried to throw his voice and cluck a little. Ah, Kurama thought, everything was falling into place...
As Hiei clucked, Kassy realized that the girl was really just a stable girl, and not a cyborg. With Hiei still clucking, Kassy ran after her shouting, and for some strange reason, the girl broke into a run. Hiei clucked louder, and Anna eventually found it very hard to run with the jock strap, so Kassy had her by the shoulders in no time.
"Anna!" he screamed. "Those are MY shoulder pads!" Anna looked downcast. "Well!" she began, "Now they're mine and you can't have them back! I'm a football player I'm a football player!" Kassy slapper her across the face. "This is not a circus!" he screamed, Hiei-like. "Now, give me that manilla folder and together we can foil that dastardly mayor's plot!" Anna handed him the folder. "All right. If you can pretend to be a duck, and sneak into the back door, I can seduce the guards and Hiei can crawl up the garbage disposal. Now this plan will only work on the lunar eclipse so we..." Anna listened to his plan, formulated, and thought. "Well, Kassy, under the circumstances how about we use the door. They didn't lock it." Kurama nodded. Plan.
Hiei turned the knob on the door and stepped into the room. It was full of disco lights and was playing very bad 50's music, but all the same, when Anna and Hiei turned back, Kassy was dancing. "AHA! So that's his plan!" said Hiei for the third time that day. Kassy was dragged out of the room and up the stairs. At the door of the file room, they began to whisper. "Now, here's what we do," said Kassy."Sneak in, grab the folder, and then jump out the window and run." He opened the door and stepped into the janitor's closet. Hiei slapped himself. Anna started to look dreamily at a mop. Kassy looked like he was about to cry.
Then: Provenance! Amongst the Draino and the Cloggo, the manila folder! But this was a different folder because it'd be MIGHTY stupid to go to such great lengths to just find a copy of a folder they already had. Indeed. All of a sudden, the disco music stopped and floodlights filled the room. They were caught like rats! The mayor stepped out of his helicopter and hopped to the floor. "So, my pretty little cows, I have caught you at last." He hopped over the pile of dead bodies. "You thought you had won. You never had control! You only thought you did! Bwa!"
Anna felt very sorry for all the dead pill bugs lying there, but realized at the same time that the helicopter door was mighty close. She grabbed Hiei's hand and Kassy, who still wanted to cry followed them as she flung herself and Hiei into the chopper, and then as a finality, stuck her tongue out at the mayor, who was looking at the cows that were standing near the sink and buckets.
"Pillbugs" was, of course, Anna's pet term for any human not crossdressed or in a chicken costume. The mayor glared at them as the helicopter flew off into space, to the tune of a popular Beetle's song. The day was saved, for all involved, and Kassy knew in her heart the people of the Town would accept him for what he was.
Inside the helicopter, Hiei was trying to undo his chicken costume. Anna expertly pulled the zipper which had been causing Hiei so much trouble to begin with, and now he stood there in his Sailor Moon boxers. Kassy was busy wondering about Porko. He hoped there would be some ham left at home. He was starving. Plus he still had to water those pigs for next month's Pig Day.
Present day. Kurama opened one eye and smiled in remembrance. "Hiei!" he called. A rustle. Feathers. "Anna!" he called. The twang of a jock strap. A twitch of shoulder pads. Yes, this was where he was truly home.