Pictures of You
by Moerae
Hello, minna-san!
Sorry to post an angst fic right after Christmas, but please give me comments, ne? I would appreciate them very much. And thank you for reading this.^^ It is of poor quality, but I would love to know what you thought of it. Ja!
~Moerae
p.s. It's yaoi so be warned.^^
Pictures Of You
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I've been looking so long at these pictures of
You that I almost believe that they're real
"Shuuichi! Come down, dinner is ready." Mother calls me. So another day has passed. Just like that. I wonder if I vanish from their lives if they would ever remember me.
Days go by and nothing changes.
Mother is kind and gentle as always, as if she can't truly see the change in me. Like how I never talk to her as I used to or to follow that 'perfect son' routine. Sometimes, I wonder if she really hasn't noticed it or is just pretending, waiting for me to talk to her first. But if it is the latter, she is doing a very good job pretending. But then I suppose all her efforts will end up useless. It's not going to change a damn thing that has happened.
And as for my friends....
I guess they're doing fine. They would mourn for him once in a while, especially Yukina, but then they would just go on with their lives. They would go on like nothing happened, Yuusuke occupied by Keiko, running his ramen shop and doing occasional Reikai jobs from Koenma. And Kuwabara is probably busy with his school, Yukina, and the Reikai job with Yuusuke.
Ah, Yukina. I wonder how shocked he would be when he hears that Kuwabara and Yukina are engaged. Upset?
I chuckle at the thought. Upset would be a major understatement. I guess furious or enraged would be more appropriate. And even then those words couldn't possibly describe how he would have felt. Nothing could describe the disappointment he would feel at losing his beloved little sister to Kuwabara after all.
But then he would never know, would he?
I shrug and go down to dining room where my family awaits.
I've been living so long with my pictures of you that
I almost believe that the pictures are all I can feel
"Oniisan, could you help with my homework?" Shuichi knocks and enters my room. He has never been the type of person to wait patiently for other party to answer.
Like him....
He never waited for me to answer back whenever he visited. He would always just sit on the windowsill looking at me with his beautiful ruby eyes, saying nothing.
And I was content with just his presence by my side....
"Oniisan?" I wake up from my reverie and stare back at my brother who's sitting next to me. I nod, acknowledge his presence, and turn my attention to his book. At least this small diversion would take my mind off from memories of him.
Maybe someday, I wouldn't need such distractions to pull myself away from my memories, be able to talk about him without hurting, but for now this is all I can do.
Remembering you standing quiet in the rain as I ran to your heart to be near and we kissed as the sky fell in holding you close how I always held close in your fear
A small piece of paper fluttered down onto the floor as Shuichi opened one of Kurama's books. "What's this?" Shuichi picked it up and noticed that it was a picture. It was wrinkled as if it has once been crumpled and then pressed back.
It's....
I snatched it back quickly from my brother's loose grip without thinking further. "Oniisan?" Shuichi stared at me with a puzzled expression, but all I could focus on was that small piece of paper in my hand.
Picture of him.
The only thing left of him....
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to. I guess I'm just very tired tonight, let's talk later, ne?" I knew it was very clumsy excuse, but that small picture tightly held within my grip was enough excuse for me.
That same picture which I stared at for countless times already.
"...Okay." Thankfully my brother accepted such a poor excuse as mine and gathered his books and papers up. "But oniisan, if you need anything, just tell me, okay? Remember that your family is here for you. I'll be here for you. Don't forget that." And he closed the door.
Silence.
He would have liked it. He was a person who enjoyed solitude.
Here I go again. Why can't I ever let him go?
I sighed and looked back in the direction of the window. I guess it's from habit. Whenever a breeze stirred the curtains, I would automatically turn my head in that direction even if I knew, more than anyone else, that he would not be there. That it was only the wind.
Only the wind....
It was raining outside. Oh yeah. It is raining season again. Another reminder that time will go on like always.
"Hiei? Is that you?" Under the dim streetlight, a short, slim figure with spiky hair stood alone. "Hiei?" But no answer. Typical but this time it was little different. I ran to that small figure, throwing away my umbrella in my rush. I stood before him. The rain was coming down harder now, and he was already soaked. His black cloak was missing , and his black clothes were ripped in several places. Those thin fabrics were plastered on his small, lithe body. It was hard not to look at how those wet clothes showed off every inch of his body, but I checked him briskly for any serious injuries. It didn't look like he was hurt, just a few scratches and bruises, but from the way he always picked fights, it was not big surprise. However, something was wrong.
Very wrong....
Hiei stood there, saying nothing. His white starburst was drooping and covered his ruby eyes from my view. I tilted his chin up, trying to make him talk to me, to look at me, but he closed his eyes.
As if that simple act would make his pain go away. That he would never hurt again....
"Hiei? What's wrong?" I whispered softly, only for his ears, no one else.
"Kurama. I want you to do something for me. You've got to promise me. This is the last thing that I'll ever ask of you. Please...." Hiei still refused to look at my eyes. And I could do nothing but nod at his desperate plea. I have never seen Hiei so weak. So vulnerable....
What has brought him down to this?
Hiei tugged my arm and whispered softly in my ears as if he was afraid that anyone else would hear it. Even if there was no one around us to hear his words.
"Hiei?" I couldn't believe my ears. He's asking me to do what? Impossible. But before I could say anything, he brought my lips to his warm ones. And kissed me gently.
Like an illusion, the warmth faded away quickly, only leaving me with an echo of his last words.
"Thank you... for everything."
Remembering you running soft through the night
You were bigger and brighter and wider than snow
The rain is slowing down now. It would stop soon. And when this rain passes, soon a season of snow would come to remind me of his memories.
Snow...
He was born from snow. Even though he denied his heritage, he secretly longed to return to that land.
Where he was born.
Where he was rejected from.
He never realized it, but he reminds me of snow.
His pale skin.
His innocence.
And how fleeting his life was....
Just like snow.
And I screamed at the make believe
Screamed at the sky
I never thought I would ever love somebody.
Love someone so much until my heart ached.
I would have given up my life for any of my family or friends, but for my love, for my best friend I have given my soul....
I want to scream at the unfairness of it all.
How I have already given my soul for something that I can never have....
And you finally found all your courage to let go
I still wonder.
Was he right to make such a choice?
Was I right to do what he has asked?
Are we ever right?
Or are we just fools who dance to the tune of Fate?
Remembering you fallen into my arms
Crying for the death of your heart
Only once have I ever seen him cry.
It was night when Darkness herself had descended to earth to cover us with her fathomless cloak.
I don't know why he cried. I just held him in my arms.
All I know is that I was happy that he turned to me when he needed someone.
But maybe I should have asked him why then.
Because I will never get a chance now that he's gone.
You were stone white so delicate
Lost in the cold
You were always so lost in the dark
He cried dark teargems.
His teargems are black, unlike the light bluish ones that his sister cries.
But to my eyes, they're white like dove's feathers.
Pristinely white like his innocent heart.
His fragile heart that has been torn more times than he can ever mend.
His heart that has lost its way out of Pain.
Remembering you how you used to be slowly drowned
If anyone asks me what love feels like, I would answer that it's like a deep ocean.
You would follow it, enraptured by its indescribable beauty until it's too late to pull out.
And then only after it was too late, you would realize how foolish you were to give your heart to that someone.
That special someone who can not return your love.
You were angels so much more than everything
And if anyone asks me if I believe in angels, I would say yes.
In my eyes, he was my angel.
In my eyes that were blinded by love, he was perfect.
My delicate dark angel.
And I don't think I'll ever meet anyone like him.
Oh hold for the last time then slip away quietly
But then Time brings everything to end.
Everything....
Even he whom I thought I would be with forever is gone.
He who seemed so powerful and so strong, but before Time, nothing lasts.
Before the presence of Pain, his dark dragon means nothing.
Open my eyes but I never see anything
How foolish was I to let him steal away my heart.
My soul.
Truly, Love is blind, for it lets someone steal your heart and soul right before one's eyes.
And what's worse, you won't regret it until it's too late to get them back.
If only I'd thought of the right words
Heaven, tell me.
If I did something that night when he cried, would it have made a difference?
Would it have lessened his immeasurable pain?
Would it have kept him alive?
I stare outside the window, but as always there is no answer to my question.
I could have held on to your heart
I wish I could have kept his beautiful heart with me.
That way, I would know that he is with me forever.
That he will always be mine, and mine only.
Mine in eternity.
Not even Death would be able to part us.
If only I'd thought of the right words
But I guess his death is my fault isn't it?
He truly had no one.
Except me.
And I couldn't do anything.
So it's all my fault.
I wouldn't be breaking apart
And the price for my crime is my grief-filled heart and soul.
That I would mourn eternally for him.
And only him.
Forever....
All these pictures of you
So I keep this picture because I don't want to forget it.
My crime.
And I'm afraid that my heart would forget him because it pains me to remember him
Looking so long at these pictures of you
But I will never let go off this picture.
The only thing that he has left me.
And if I look at it enough I can pretend that the picture is reality.
Not just an illusion....
But I never held on to your heart
But one thing is clear after all this time.
That his heart was something that can't be possessed no matter what.
Even in my dream, I can't hold him in my arms.
Even in my dream, he looks me with pained eyes.
He is blaming himself again for what I'm doing now.
But he shouldn't.
After all it was my choice.
Looking so long for the words to be true
But always just breaking apart
But he is stubborn.
He would never listen to me.
And he would never say those words in return.
Not to me at least.
My pictures of you
Not to me who killed him.
But at least I have kept my promise to him.
There was nothing in the world that I never wanted more
Than to feel you deep in my heart
"Kurama, if you love me, kill me."
There was nothing in the world that I never wanted more
Than to never feel the breaking apart
Even if I fall apart under the weight of Loneliness, I would never let him feel that.
And I showed him how much I love him.
And maybe it was the only way of telling him.
All my pictures of you
"Ai Shite"
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Standard disclaimer applied.
None of these are mine except the story so please do not sue me.^^;; I don't have any money at all. C&C very much welcomed.
nyx_moerae@hotmail.com