This is an Official Document of the Discordian Cult of Chaos,
Anime Division. This is so because I say it's so, and as a Greater
Daemon, I'm always right.
On the Fifth day of the Fifth month of the year 555, a ceremony
recognizing Washu as a Manifestation of the Most Holy Eris
Discordia did not take place. The Discordian Society of the time
had not even heard of Japan or anime, and so could not
possibly have performed this ceremony. Fortunately,
Discordianism is based on a number of events that never
happened and people who never existed, so here's the
transcript. Historians, theologists, and sociologists are
welcome to study the document.
Remember: this really happened, maybe.
-
Scene: Temple of Confusion, placed strategically and
temporarily in the middle of a battle between two of the warring
tribes of Europe. The walls are covered by psychadelic
tapestries, the floor is made of Spanish tile. Ten underpaid
Celts are hanging from a chain embedded in the ceiling holding
candles with one hand and a link with the other: they're
pretending to be a chandelier. Over the noise of clashing
swords and screams of pain and rage, the Head Episkopos of
the Council of Episkoposes can be heard...
Head Episkopos: Order! Order! Is this thing on? Right. (to
Stenographer) Okay, kid. Year's 555 AD, the date is May the
Fifth, and the anachronisms are all in place. Where's our lucky
Goddess?
Washu appears in the middle of a magickal circle.
Washu: What the hell?!
HE: There she is! Great. Let's get started.
Washu: (pulling out her holocomputer) Let's see... year, 555.
Date, May 5th... (sweatdrop) Oh, no. You're Discordians, aren't
you?
HE: Got us right on the penis tip, sweetie! Don't worry, this
won't take long... Damn! Somebody go catch the sacrificial
virgin before she gives the altar boy any more blowjobs. That's
just the kind of shortage we don't need...
Washu: Okay, no problem. I'll just use the holocomputer to go
back through the subspace tunnel these guys summoned me
through...
She pulls out the computer and begins to type, but jumps back
as it sparks and explodes under her fingers.
Washu: How the hell did that happen?! The holocomputer
doesn't have any physical presence in this reality!
HE: Oh, that's just the Convenient Plot Device. We purchased
several when we decided you were a manifestation of Eris. It
works on you because you're a fictional character, like all our
other Holy Figures. The Devices will kick in whenever you
decide you want to disrupt the ceremony. They're pretty useful
when you've got a Goddess as bitchy as ours.
Washu: (small voice) Oh.
HE: Now that the explanation is out of the way, I think we can
get started with the opening ceremony. Background
characters?
Hundreds of Miscellaneous Worshippers suddenly come to life
and begin chanting.
Worshippers: Yum yum Bumblebee, Bumblebee Tuna! I love
Bumblebee, Bumblee Tuna! Yum yum Bumblebee...
HE: (speaking over the chant in a reverberating voice) These
are the Ten Commandments of Ska!
Other Episkoposes: (bass voice) Number ONE.
HE: Number one, you gotta dance!
Number two, you make-a romance!
Number three, you get on the floor!
Number four, you dance some more!
Other Episkoposes: (bass voice) Number FIVE.
HE: Number five, you move your feet!
Number six, you feel the beat!
Number seven...uh...
Chanting falters. Discordians of every stripe look at each other
in confusion.
HE: Does anyone here understand the lyrics for the last three
commandments?
Everybody shrugs. Washu simply stares, a sweatdrop solidly
entrenched on her person.
HE: Okay, so we'll skip the rest of the opening prayer. I'm sure
the Goddess doesn't mind, does she?
Washu: You look like you're expecting her to answer.
HE: We are. Yes or no?
Washu: Why are you looking at me?
HE: Do you see any other Goddesses in the immediate vicinity?
Urd: Hi!
HE: Besides her.
Washu: ...
HE: We CAN skip the opening prayer, right? I mean, it'd be
pretty silly sounding because we'd all have to mumble after
number six...
Washu: Uh, okay.
HE: Great. Let's get on with the provocation. HEY, ERIS! YOU
SUCK OFF RABID STEWBUMS!
Eris: WHAT?!
HE: Right. Eris provoked.
Eris: You're damn right I'm provoked! I'm...
HE: Not supposed to be here. You're an abstraction and a
fictional character. I hereby sell you to the Subgenii.
Eris vanishes in a flash of trademark lawsuits.
HE: Honestly, how can one possibly pursue religion with deities
getting in the bloody way all the time...
Washu: Uh...
Congregation: ALL HAIL WASHU!
HE: Yeah, that's right. With Eris banished, you're the official
incarnation of the Goddess. Every time you speak, from now
until the end of time, a chorus of Discordians will yell "ALL HAIL
WASHU!" We just need to have the Greater Daemon here to
make it all aboveboard and legal...
Greater Daemon: It's okay with me.
HE: Great. MILK AND GRAHAM CRACKER BREAK,
EVERYBODY!
Washu: Uh...
Random Discordians: ALL HAIL WASHU!
-
People, this was more of a religious duty than anything else.
Being a Greater Daemon of Eris Discordia, (Cult of Chaos,
Church of the Really Funky Onion) I decided while I was
masturbating to declare Washu an Incarnation of Eris, thus
suitable for worship. I had to make it all fictional so it'd be
legitimate. Yes, this is a real religion and yes, I do believe in it.
The fic above is highly esoteric all around, and contains a few
really odd references. Don't worry if you came out on the other
side completely confused: that's supposed to happen.
-
zazu@innocent.com
Zazu
(
geocities.com/tokyo/ginza) (
geocities.com/tokyo)