D.B. Sommer 

Tenchi Muyo

A New Lab Assistant

Standard Disclaimer: I disclaim any of these things are mine. They all
belong to someone else.
Any C+C welcome. 
sommer@nb.net


A NEW LAB ASSISTANT


"Get away from there Bubblehead!"

Washuu watched Mihoshi carefully as the GP officer tried to examine one of
her projects. In Mihoshi-speak "examine" meant fiddling around with it and
causing it to: 

A: Malfunction
B: Run Amuck
C: Self-destruct
D: Just Ruin it in General 
or
E: All of the Above

More often than not it was E. It wasn't that the universe's most brilliant
scientist didn't love chaos. Chaos was good. Chaos was great. Chaos kept
the universe spinning around in an eternal state of disorientation. It was
just that Washuu wanted to be the one responsible for the chaos, not the
victim of it. More than once she really wished she could simply banish the
blond to a black hole somewhere, but the one time she tried it Mihoshi got
near the control console before the moment of truth, and shunted Washuu's
Infinite Improbability Generator into some other universe. She didn't think
she could take another setback like that, so Mihoshi was allowed to
continue to exist in this dimension.

Washuu turned to the morning paper and looked over the want ad again. 

Wanted: One research assistant for the Universe's Most Brilliant Scientist.
Prior experience preferred. Come to the Misaki estate between the hours of 
8:00 AM and 4:00 PM.

The ad only took up twice the size a normal one did. After she hacked into
every newspaper's computer system in the world, she intended to make the
entire press runs of all the papers print nothing but the advertisement on
every page. Somehow Tenchi caught wind of the plan and talked her out of
it, so she settled for a simple article to get the job done. After all, who
could resist working for someone as cute and adorable as L'il Washuu? They
should be lining up outside the door any minute now.

Mihoshi asked what she was so excited about and Washuu explained the
situation to her. 

"Oh! Oh! Pick me. I want to do it. I need another part time job to help
make ends meet."

Washuu stared flatly at her. "I would sooner give myself a voluntary
lobotomy than let you be my assistant."

"I don't know what you mean."

Washuu explained more slowly, "You screw everything up. It's like a Midas
Touch, except everything of mine you come into contact with ends up turning
into crap instead of gold. Now do you understand?"

Mihoshi shook her head. 

Washuu was really starting to lose her temper. "What I mean is, I wouldn't
even have to use an ad if it hadn't been for you. Remember Mecha-Washuu?
That's a perfect example of how you mess up."

"But I didn't do anything." Mihoshi's eyes began to form crocodile tears.

"You exist. That's reason enough."

Mihoshi couldn't take it any more and started bawling her eyes out. The
waterworks were so bad that tears ended up splashing on one of Washuu's
consoles, causing sparks to fly.

"NO! STOP!" 

Too late. The computer screen printed out the words: Begin Missile Launch.
Washuu ran over to see which one had fired.

"ARRRGH!!! That was the Luscious Lavender flavor!"


Outside, Tenchi was working one of the carrot fields that had been grown
for everyone's favorite cabbit. He heard a loud whine come from the
direction of the house and looked skyward. He observed a missile fired from
a dimensional portal above the house and fly directly overhead. The missile
exploded and released a large cloud of mist. 

"This doesn't look good," Tenchi said to no one in particular.

The cloud continued to expand to an enormous size, and within moments it
began to rain. Tenchi sighed to himself and started to walk towards the
house. After a few moments in the rain he noticed something peculiar. He
held out a hand and watched the rain splash onto his white work glove. The
drops were purple in color. He just shook his head and tried to wipe the
offending water off his glove. It didn't come off, rather, it left a deep
purple stain. 

"WASHUU!!!"


Washuu was more than a little put out by the events of the morning. Tenchi
had burst into the lab yelling at her as though it was somehow her fault
Bubblehead had activated a "Rainbow Bright Rainmaker Missile." He was
complaining that his clothes and skin were purple from head to toe and it
wouldn't come off. It took her over an hour just to calm the usually quiet
boy down, not that Ryoko's presence had helped at all. After the space
pirate heard him run into the lab, she phased through the door and
followed. Once inside the lab, she floated around, running her hands
suggestively all over Tenchi and kept telling him that she "loved to eat
grapes." Washuu finally convinced him that the coloring would fade in about
twenty four hours, and that he, the house, the fields, and everything else
within a twenty mile radius would fade back to normal. Until then there was
nothing she could do about it. Besides, he looked good in purple.

Once the visitors had gone Washuu turned to face Mihoshi again.

"Now do you understand?"

The facts didn't matter to Mihoshi. "I wanna be your assistant."

Washuu decided desperate times called for desperate measures.

"I'll tell you what. If I can't get an assistant by the end of the day, you
can be it." The officer gave her little "Mihoshi Dance of Joy" at the news.


Washuu held up her hand. "But you have to sit still and not disturb
anything. Can you do that?" Mihoshi nodded. "Good" Washuu sighed. There was
no way she would let Mihoshi be her assistant. It didn't matter who showed
up, she would accept them. "The first one should come any second now."
Washuu thought.

The seconds passed into minutes, the minutes into hours. Soon there was
only five minutes left, and still no applicants. Surprisingly, Mihoshi had
kept her word and remained perfectly still, not interfering with anything
for a record amount of time. Washuu nerves were becoming shot as she
seriously considered prepping her lobotomy machine just in case it came
down to the worst case scenario, and it appeared that just might happen.
She was saved by a high pitched voice.

"I'm here for the lab assistant job."

 Washuu and Mihoshi turned to see who the newcomer was, but saw no one.

"I'm down here." Washuu gazed downward and saw a little white mouse walking
on his hind legs with a suitcase in hand.

"There must be some mistake. I wanted a lab assistant, not a lab rat." A
smile spread across her lips,  "Still you shouldn't have come all this way
for nothing. Want to try some of my super anabolic steroid and amphetamine
pills?"

The mouse held up his hands, "Sounds great, but maybe later. I really am
here for the job."

Mihoshi started jumping up and down. "I'm going to get the job. I'm going
to be Washuu's lab assistant."

Washuu placed her hand to her chin in thought, "You have any prior
experience?"

The mouse nodded, "I used to work with a brilliant genius who wanted to
rule the world, but we had a falling out. When I saw your ad I said to
myself, 'Boy I'd love to work with the Universe's Most Brilliant
Scientist.' So here I am."

Mihoshi giggled vacantly and turned to the mouse. "There's no way she'll
pick you."

Washuu looked back and forth between the two. She started to consider which
one to choose, then realized it was no choice at all. She walked up to
Mihoshi and placed her hands on the officer's shoulders. A smile brightened
upon Mihoshi's lips.

"Get the hell out. I'm picking the rat."

Mihoshi's was crushed. She ran out of the lab crying as Washuu popped open
a bottle of champagne in celebration and offered some to her new assistant.
He accepted gracefully. 

"So what's your name little one?"

The rat perked up, "They call me Pinky ma'am. Pinky."

NEVER THE END

    Source: geocities.com/tokyo/ginza/3258

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