Drift
by Hikari
“Drift”
6/10/01
By: Hikari
E-mail to: elvina99@hotmail.com
Site:
www.oocities.org/hikari_nanase/
Notes: None.
~*~*~*~
It seems that these days can only be
consoled with my mere notebook and pen. Time is running short- I know it. I can
see things very clearly now: the beginning, the end, then the beginning again.
An endless cycle is what I see- what I comprehend. It’s like the sun. It rises
with power, but sets with grace. This is how all things on earth must go. Thus I
find myself here- on the beach on the fifth hour of afternoon. My feet are cold
and buried within the warm sand, with my eyes watching the sun intently as
several birds fly to reach it.
I like sitting here. This is the only
place where time appears to stop, and I can take pleasure in the tranquility.
This place… always where something ended and something else is beginning…
But what is it now? My expectations the past few years have slowed to nothing
more than the simple attendance to work and such, however… I feel the desire
for something more now…
All I have are memories tinted by the
shadows of regret or illuminated by the rays of joy. It’s been long since I
have last rendezvous with my old friends, but this time, here on the beach,
there is no intention of another gathering. It’s just me.
I don’t mind it, of course. I will
always remember their shining faces. Faces filled with happiness- sometimes
remorse or anger. Faces young, and faces old. I can see them everyday without
having their presence at me side. I just know them. I just see them… and
they’re not even there.
With confession, I have to say that
it does get lonely. I have Hiei to thank, however, for his non-too-frequent
visitations to my household. We hardly talk any more, save for the predictable
complaints of the day. I would shrug and make a face at all my papers, while he
would grunt at the thought of yet another day of training idiots or protecting
the gates. All the same, he has mellowed down. Mukuro keeps him in line, and
undoubtedly, on a very comfortable leash. He has taken quite a liking to her,
and I understand why our friendship has dwindled to the bare bond itself. There
is no longer a reason for me to see him, nor is there any reason for him to do
the same likewise. It doesn’t hurt. Not at all. Sometimes all we really wish
is to see each other in order to not forget how everything started- realistic
sentimentality.
As for the others, well, they all
have brought to earth the new generations. Yusuke with his wife and triplets.
Kuwabara with Yukina and their lovable nine year-old, Yuwari. Shizuru’s salon
chain. My stepbrother’s graduation and transition to adulthood. All this makes
me wonder where in the world the time had went. It disappeared… like snow on
the first spring morning…
I’ve been through many things. This
including confusion in regards to my own identity. Inhabiting a human body, and
yet having a demon’s soul had driven me mad in my adolescence. I found no
pleasure in killing, but I found no fear in committing the act either. I had
never said anything about it, except for a few words to either Hiei or Yusuke.
Yusuke wasn’t too sure as to what to tell me. All he actually said was to
“cheer up” or “live for your own reasons”. The latter was better advice,
if only I had reasons at that time. The fire demon, on the other hand, told me
to “keep the past as a memento, and walk through the future as a pathway…”
If only I knew where I was going…
Then again, none of us truly knew
what was in store for us, and the sudden end to our battles had left us at a
shocking loss for words. We were friends, yes, but we did not have the same
goals to any further extent. They all had their own dreams, and if they
didn’t, they had a road to cover until the final end has been met. Me… I’m
wandering around aimlessly.
I’m kept safe in the warmth of the
letters I receive. I get many of them, and from everyone. I’m updated on their
lives- their ups and downs. They come to me for counseling, and this I value
highly. It gives me a reason to smile, rather than smiling out of courtesy.
I get letters from the Makai too. A
few of the notes were from Yomi- the sights he’s seen, the places he’s been.
His world in general. To my surprise, I get word from Mukuro as well. She likes
to inform me on my old friend’s new eccentricities. I remember she once wrote
that Hiei spent two whole weeks looking for something sweet to eat. No such
thing exists in their world, and so he left for Ningenkai and returned one day
with twenty gallons of ice cream. Mukuro worried about his health, that was
until he introduced her to strawberry with fudge. And yes, I have letters from
Hiei too. They’re not long, but they’re honest. He complained once that I
cram too many sentences on a sheet of paper. I retaliated by writing smaller…
Emphasis on smaller. MUCH smaller.
Botan. I haven’t seen her much at
all. Come to think of it, the last I’ve seen of her was more than half a
decade ago. She sends cards on Christmas to everyone, but usually that’s all.
She must be tied down in Reikai…
Dating around is a subject I am not
fond of. The further I scrutinize over it, the further I come to believe that I
was destined to be the lone wolf- or fox depending on how you look at it. I
haven’t discovered the aspiration for marriage yet. My mother had often been
concerned about it, but seeing me contented with my workplace silences her
doubts. I love helping people get well. I love being able to save a life instead
of endangering it. I’m not who I was- if I can even recall WHAT exactly I
was…
Those kinds of memories have grown
tired on me. My mother always told me that there are three things I can do with
a memory. I can throw it away, I can hide it, or I can cherish it. I’m lucky
to say that seven out of ten, my memories are cherished.
A few weeks ago, I found white hairs
sprouting from behind my scalp. I’m not certain if it is because of stress or
if I’m aging. Who knows, maybe it’s both. I have a sense to recognize,
however, that a heart can only beat so many times… and that letting go of the
chains that cause me to be stagnant in life is the only solution to
self-inflicted pain.
We all have it. That sort of pain.
Guilt, anger, sadness, pity, and other emotions that haven’t found a place in
the dictionary. They’re so harmful, but humans, demons, and spirits all
experience these feelings because we don’t know how else to react to the
conflicts that the world bombards us with. That’s life… The greatest puzzle
that can’t be solved until death… With some people, the puzzle hasn’t been
solved even then…
What makes me most satisfied, are the
entangling embraces of my friends. It feels good to be a part of them. I
appreciate the heat they give off- I treasure their lives. Embraces have been
rare, unfortunately, but the sensation of being encircled stays with me for a
fairly long period. It’s this sensation that keeps me on my feet, because I
know that even in the most perfect of friendships- we all have to let go of one
another one day…
That’s the way it is… Friendship
rises with power, but sets with grace…
I stand now, still scribbling away on
my notepad. I pick up a few pieces of driftwood as I walk about the beach.
Driftwood scented of salt and sand. It’s funny, how it can endure the
strongest of currents and most violent of storms… It’s only a piece of
something which once used to be so big, but it’s a piece nonetheless. I think
I’ll collect a few- to make a quaint little picture frame… and protect my
old bonds…
My pen is running out of ink… I
should stop here. It’s time to close the journal… because… there are no
more pages to write on. It’s the end…
Written in ink on quill,
Kurama