Humoresque
by M.E.
Mwa-hahahahahahahah! Disclaimers for all!! ^_^ Guess what- I have finals this week! Strangely enough, the need to complete this song fiction idea came while studying for my AP European History test... We just finished learning about the "-ism's" of the 1800's (nationalism, liberalism, socialism, etc.) and I swear that nothing is more uncomprehendible than politics. Their complexities continue to elude the grasp of my feeble mind... Gee, I wonder why all my yaoi song fics are sad and depressing (except for Auld Lang Syne, which doesn't really count as a yaoi)- I guess that it is another thing to be chalked up to Life's Great Mysteries.
The song is I Call Your Name by the Mamas and the Papas. All incorrect lyrics are my fault, and were not, I assure you, intentional. The title is that of a piece by Dvorak, which, while it starts and ends on a light hearted note, becoming intense and emotional in the middle, sort of like this fan fic. Very nice work, I quiet enjoy it- especially the middle. ^_^ There is a flashback, which may be confusing at first, but it makes sense...
Humoresque
By M.E. (Magnificent Entity)
(manda_hunter@yahoo.com)
I call your name,
But you're not there.
Was I to blame
For being unfair?
Outside my window fat, heavy rain drops pound down on the soft earthy ground, absorbed on contact. Strange that the
outside atmosphere of despair and regret reflects my inner feeling of hopelessness. In front of me a history text book
lays propped open, a testament to the test I'll be suffering through tomorrow. To bad I can concentrate, but then, who
could focus on such a trivial matter at a time like this?
Around me the quiet silence of my dark, empty room threatens to consume and overtake me, and I begin to wonder whether it's really worth fighting to break away from the lulling void of thoughtlessness that beckons to me, offering relief. After all, it's not like there's anything- anyone- that I live my life for now.
Even the others have commented on my distant attachment to
things these days, my zombie-like state. I think they're worried, but deep down I know that their sympathy is not
what I crave.
Don't you know I can't sleep at night,
Since you've been gone?
I never weep at night,
I can't go on.
Since he left, I haven't shed a single tear. I've refused myself this one small comfort, knowing that it would be
pointless to mourn something I never had. Of course, that doesn't mean I don't have the urge to just give up, bury my
face in my pillow and cry my heart out.
These days my life has only been a series of daily routines, a pattern that I am only able to follow because it is so ingrained in my mind. I probably would have collapsed months ago if it hadn't been for my schoolwork, which has offered a form of distraction up until now. I can't concentrate, and finally allow my pencil to drop down on my notebook, heaving the text book shut and switching off the desk lamp. It's pointless after all, I'll never be able to study under these circumstances. Instead I rise, and, taking a few steps towards my bed, I slump down on the sheets, hugging my pillow close to my chest and curling up into a ball, a cocoon of sheets and blankets. Between shuddering gasps, I whisper the cause of all my pain into the velvet blackness of night.
"Hiei..."
Don't you know I can't take it?
I don't know who can.
I'm not gonna make it-
I'm not that kind of man.
**flashback**
"What now?" The small fire demon growled, ruby eyes flaring as the last rays of the setting sun reflected in
their deep, emotionless depths. The eyes that had haunted Kurama in his dreams, leaving him no rest, no way of escape
from their haunting stare. He was hypnotized by those garnet orbs, entranced by their spell.
"Hiei, I... I mean... That is..." The words refused to leave his mouth now that he had finally summoned the courage to speak them.
Cocking his head to one side in a gesture of confusion, Hiei shrugged after a few minutes of waiting, then, without even a glance over his shoulder, he stepped through the portal, vanishing from the fox's sight.
Alone again, truly alone in all senses it seemed, Kurama sank to his knees on the grassy slope, rocking restlessly back and forth, but never crying. Never letting a single tear, whether of anger or regret, escape from his leaf green eyes. He wouldn't allow Hiei that one small triumph.
And there was always the chance that he might come back.
**end flashback**
Don't you know I can't sleep at night?
But just the same-
I never weep at night,
I call your name.
But he hasn't come back. After leaving the Ningenkai to become Mukuro's heir over a year ago, Hiei hasn't come back
even once, not even for a friendly visit. Is it my fault? I never told him how I felt, how I wished that our friendship
might go one step further, how he filled my dreams at night and my mind during the day.
And I almost told him, before he left. I started to tell him how my heart ached for him... but then his eyes turned to me, eyes that I've learned to read better than my own. They spelled out a look of... disgust? Repulsion? Whatever it was, I knew at that moment that they spelled out my doom.
Light, tapping footfalls pause in the hall outside my bedroom door. This is followed by the slight squeaking of the door being pushed open, as Shiori peeks in to see that I'm all right. Lately she's been worried by my uncaring air and the purple-blue half moons under my sleep-deprived eyes. Squeezing my eyelids close together and pretending to be asleep, I wait until the door closes again, latch softly clicking into place as Shiori leaves, content with the fact that I appear to be fine.
She doesn't know that while I may be a wreck on the
outside, inside it's even worse, a danger area of bottomless pits and uncontrollable fears.
Don't you know I can't take it?
I don't know who can.
I'm not gonna make it-
I'm not that kind of man.
I don't know if I'll survive. If I do, I'll probably be a shell devoid of feeling and personality. So much of what I
once was became lost when all hopes of Hiei ever returning my love were dashed to pieces. It would be to much of a
bother to try to put those broken shards back together, I tried before, but the edges are so rough and sharp, cutting
my skin and biting into the palms of my hands. It hurts so much.
As much as I'd like to let this rejection (or is it even that, I never gave him anything to reject) rule my life, I can't. To much of my existence has been centered on keeping myself alive that it has become a force of habit. While the option of suicide is looking nice right now, I could never bring myself to actively hurt my own body- could I?
Don't you know I can't sleep at night?
But just the same-
I never weep at night,
I call your name.
Now I'm getting better, controlling my breathing helps, and so does thinking things out. Letting my fingers drop
free of the pillow they clutched, I notice that I was squeezing so hard that the joints ache considerably.
Massaging the throbbing joints, I unwind myself from the sheets, struggling to my feet as I shake them off.
Unsteadily teetering across the rug, I make my way back to my desk chair, where I sit down again, turning on the desk lamp.
I won't let him affect me, affect my studies. If I did
that, it would be giving in, wouldn't it? Like crying. A weakness. He despises such
weaknesses as love and friendship, and now I see why. They are nothing but weights to drag you down when you are trying to reach
your goal. Even now, Hiei is still teaching me new things. Even now...
I never weep at night,
I call your name, yeah.
Outside the darkened window, a small figure sits in a small little bundle of black clothing, the only hint of
color coming from two red pinpoints of light drilling through the night. It shifts as the raindrops hit the
cloth, obviously uncomfortable with the dampness. Finally the eyes light up as a pale yellow light comes on inside the room that they watch.
Reaching out tentatively, a small white hand rests on the
glass for a moment, before rapping insistently. Inside, the young man jumps to his feet, the rapping causing a jolt to
run the course of his body. And around the figure in the darkness, the rain quiets
down, shifting gears, sure that all is right in the world.
©02/01/2000 M.E. also known as Lady Manday of the Orange Root also known as Mandy H. or A.R.H. who can be reached at
jam@mac-addict.com. Comments, criticisms, death threats, etc. are encouraged and welcomed. Flames *will* be
accepted, but if you send me a flame, I might send one back at you. All tessen wielding bandits from Konan will be
forwarded to Blue Jeans after being liberally doused with sake. Don't say I didn't warn you!