Breakup Survival

By Angela Watrous and Carole Honeychurch, M.A.

Week One: What to expect

Even if you saw it coming or made it happen yourself, you may find yourself unprepared for the initial impact of your breakup. Suddenly, you're no longer half of a couple. You may not know who to turn to. Everything around you -- your home, your favorite music, your loved ones -- may seem connected to your ex. That's exactly why the focus of Week One's workshop is working through the initial stage of the breakup: ground zero.

Ground Zero

Breaking up can feel a lot like having a giant wrecking ball slammed into your life. Things that you took for granted yesterday may no longer apply to your life today -- everything is changing at a rapid pace. Although you are still intact, many of your dreams and plans for the future, as well as your day-to-day existence, may suddenly be unrecognizable bits and pieces. The first question to sort out is, ''Am I the only one who feels like this?'' Absolutely not.

Ground zero is also a place for beginnings -- even if you don't want to hear it right now. While your relationship has ended, you are embarking on a new journey. This can be terrifying at first. Maybe you liked the way your life was before, and you feel resistant to all the changes that a breakup can bring. Even if you were unsatisfied with your relationship, at least it wasn't the ''unknown''. No matter how you felt before, this is your chance to start again. And believe it or not, you will.

Sorting through the Rubble

The first question to sort out is, ''Am I the only one who feels like this?'' Absolutely not. The whys and what-ifs of a breakup can still be overwhelming, though. It may seem as if you're the only one who has experienced something so painful and no one could possibly understand your devastation. You may feel pressure -- from yourself or others -- to move on and get over it.

But before you can begin to move on, you must sort through the rubble left from your breakup, choosing what to salvage and what to leave behind. By identifying what went wrong, what your part in it was and how you'd like things to be different in the future, you can better ensure that you won't find yourself in the same situation in future relationships. You might be tempted to try to rebuild right over the debris, because assessing your past and reconciling it with your present and future isn't easy. But skipping over this process will leave you nothing but a shaky foundation

The truth is, there is no set way to get through a breakup. In fact that's one of the most difficult aspects of the process. There are no ground rules (and certainly no etiquette rules) to follow. Because of this, it's important not to be too hard on yourself right now. Contrary to the early teachings of psychology, grief is not necessarily a linear process. Realize that it's normal to feel nonchalant one day and seething in anger or trapped in a fit of depression on the next. Does this mean that you are weak? Not a chance; As long as you are processing your thoughts and feelings -- by thinking, reading, writing and talking them out -- there is no ''right'' way to feel. Your feelings, as unwelcome as they sometimes are, are part of yourself. They are something to accept and deal with. Talking to those you trust about your feelings all through your post-breakup experience can help you get some perspective on this rapidly changing and confusing time.

What to expect:

• Anger: Although it's important to acknowledge your feelings of anger in the beginning, it's generally best not to act on them. So how do you deal with all of that pent-up rage? Try kickboxing classes or writing angry letters to your ex that you don't send. You can probably also expect many angry ranting sessions with your friends, and maybe some furious pillow-punching. But perhaps the best anger advice is this: Remember that, like the other negative emotions that flood you after a breakup, it will fade.

• Longing: You may feel compelled to reunite with your ex or jump into another relationship at this point. It can be scary at first to face the world without a partner. But if you allow yourself to feel your fear and your longing and really sit with those emotions, you will eventually come to terms with your feelings. The strength and independence that you can find through doing this is much more stable and satisfying than being with someone because you feel you can't be alone.

• Obsessing: The rebuilding process often involves spending a lot of mental energy going over the past. Many women find themselves obsessively reviewing their relationships, asking themselves questions: Did my partner still love me during that last vacation? When did things start to go wrong? Should I have done something differently? Asking ourselves these kinds of questions helps us process our post-breakup feelings. Know though, that letting go is often a two-step dance: one step forward, two steps back. Once you're able to let go completely, you'll feel re-centered. At that point, you'll be able to look back over what happened and revel in your personal accomplishments (including getting out of a bad relationship) rather than obsess over what went wrong.

How long is this going to take? The only answer to this question is, it takes as long as it takes. For some women that means months; for others it takes years. It all depends on the length and nature of the relationship, the way the relationship ended and the kind of person you are. Be patient with yourself and try to learn the difference between giving yourself time for recuperation and reflection and becoming stuck in a pattern that doesn't allow for growth.

Breakup First Aid

As you go through the turbulence of ground zero, you may find that you feel like a stranger to yourself. It's important to take the time to listen to yourself and see how you're really feeling.

Keep these things in mind:

• Treat yourself gently.

• Don't make any big decisions.

• You'll lose keys, money and time without knowing where they went. That's okay.

• Lean into the pain. It's not bottomless. There's no getting out of the pain, there's just getting through. And you will, eventually -- that's guaranteed.

• Take long baths.

• Cry when you want to, and don't care what other people say or think.

• Be very selfish.

• Be with people who make you laugh, even if that leads to tears.

• Ask for a lot of hugs.

• Dress warmly.

• Get a dog or cat, or cuddle the ones you have.

• Write really awful, bitchy, irate letters to your ex and burn them, releasing those ideas to the air.

• Love yourself, no matter how hard that is.

• Compliment yourself.

• Write your way through the feelings.

• Get grief counseling.

• Eat well.

Week Two: Surveying the (Newly) Single You

The rubble begins to settle. The dust clears. The shock starts to wear away -- leaving you to face the project of rebuilding your life. You've been through a big change, an event that has probably had a profound impact on the way you see yourself. You may still feel wounded and vulnerable, or you may be anxious to move on and see what new people, experiences, and possibilities await you. Both of these mindsets are common. But if you've moved past the turbulent emotional state that defines ground zero, you've arrived at an opportunity to decide just who the post-breakup you is, and who you would like her to be. Rebuilding can seem like a daunting task. And in truth, it isn't all that easy. It's uncomfortable to be faced with so much change at once. You may struggle financially. You'll probably lose some people from your life. And you'll be faced with a new single self -- someone you have to redefine and get to know, someone different from who you're used to being.

As a newly single woman, one option is hitting the swinging scene of casual -- yet safe -- sex.

But rebuilding can also be tremendously exciting. You have the opportunity to renew every aspect of your life, if you choose. In the rebuilding process, you continue to sort through the rubble, making piles of things to keep and things to discard. Once you say good-bye to the rubble of your past relationship and haul it away, you'll have an assortment of ''keepers'' that you must reposition in your life. And suddenly you'll have all of this new space in which you make your life a custom fit. As you begin to cope with your feelings and acknowledge and accept the past, you'll make your way to a life brimming with new possibilities.

Sex and the Single Girl

As they rebuild, many women find themselves reawakening sexually. Because you're no longer operating in trauma mode, you now have more room and space for sexual feelings to reemerge.

As a newly single woman, one option is hitting the swinging scene of casual -- yet safe -- sex. For many women, this is a time of sexual experimentation where trying on a more liberal persona and fulfilling fantasies of single, sexual freedom can feel like stretching your wings after a long confinement.

However, don't be surprised if along with the intrigue of hopping into bed with someone comes some confusion. In fact, you might find that casual sex just isn't your style. As in all the changes you've undergone after your breakup, trusting your feelings is probably the best path. If you dive into sexual encounters against your better judgment just because you're lonely or because you think you should be using your freedom, you may get yourself into trouble, physically and emotionally.

In fact, while many women decide to experiment with their sexuality at this point, others decide to stay away from physical relationships and partnered sex for a while because they feel they need more time to heal. If you thing that getting into partnered sex could seriously disrupt any emotional equilibrium you've achieved, there's no reason not to hold off. Listen to your feelings and follow your needs.

Of course, you may run smack into the fact that you don't feel ready to jump into the dating game or even the land of the one-night stands at all. Issues around body image, trust, anger and downright fatigue from dealing with your breakup may make the prospect of sex with another person unrealistic. What's a woman to do? You guessed it: masturbate.

We probably don't need to tell you that masturbation can be the post-breakup woman's best friend. And while some women see it as a lesser substitute to ''real'' sex or as symbolic of their solitary state, masturbation can be a way to really love and appreciate yourself.

Reinventing the Romantic Ideal

When a romantic relationship ends, many of us also begin to scrutinize the very idea of the romantic couple, and what our vision of romantic love is. Those of us who were raised with traditional romantic ideals of how love should be find ourselves taking another look at those beliefs. Some of us feel as though a veil has been lifted -- and this can bring a lot of anger for those of us who feel that we've been duped by our romantic ideals. We find that, instead of expecting a relationship with a real human being, we were taught to expect some impossible ideal.

This is a good time to explore the idea of developing more realistic expectations about love and relationships. It might be difficult, but in doing so you can find strength -- and more healthy, suitable partnerships in the future.

From sex to spirituality, you'll find that this time of rebuilding your post-breakup self can be heady and exciting. Some women use it as a period to figure out where they want to go in life -- which can be exhilarating. This is not to say that there won't be moments of fear, pain, sadness and anger. But this is the state where you have the strength and the energy to start looking at you. What you've experienced in your breakup has been difficult, to be sure. But it has also allowed -- and probably forced -- you to grow.

Week Three: Revamping Your Social Scene

When you and your ex parted ways, you probably also said good-bye to a few friends. You may have lost them because they were your ex's friends to begin with (so you felt you had no choice), or, disillusioned by your breakup, they may have left the lives of both you and your ex. You may have decided to shed others, seeing that they could no longer contribute to your life in a positive way.

Losing people in the wake of a breakup can be yet another painful aspect of the experience, but you might be surprised to find that it can also be quite a relief. The space you create in your life allows new members of your community to shine and often lets old members play more important parts than they could in the past. Instead of a community based on the ups and downs of your romantic life, you now have the opportunity to choose exactly whom you wish to invest in, gaining the chance to build a wide, varied and comfortable safety net that supports you while letting you be exactly who you are. In some ways, you're likely very different from the person you were before your breakup. Of course, the fundamentals of your personality are still intact, but a painful breakup can change the way you feel about a number of important life issues. Just as your attitudes may have changed about how you see yourself and what you want, the role you play in your community may also have changed.

How your friends react

For starters, you may have been surprised at the various reactions you saw in your friends when they heard about your breakup. They may have been shocked, or they may have seen it coming from a long way off. Many women find that their friends, who are often privy to the troubles going on in a relationship, are glad it has finally come to an end. Of course they're sympathetic to the grief the breakup brought, but don't be surprised if they're also very relived that you're out of a bad situation.

On the other hand, some of your friends may surprise you with a negative reaction. Even if they know all the problems that existed in your relationship, they may express dismay at the ending or be too uncomfortable with the suffering they see you going through to be able to help. At this point, you can either seek comfort from more supportive people in your life, or be direct with these friends about what you need from them.

The truth is, though, many women also find that the lack of effort put into their friendships during their relationship comes back to haunt them. This makes asking for help very difficult, but if you're going to get what you need, you may have to come right out and ask for it. Again, being clear with your friends about your expectations is the best way to ensure that you get their support. It may be a little scary at first, but you'll probably be surprised to see how quickly your friends will come around. In fact, many women find that even distant friends will come to their aid.

Family Responses

Because of an entirely different set of hopes and expectations, your family might react to this news in any number of ways. They may be very happy about the breakup because they, like your friends, saw the problems you'd been dealing with in the relationship. Or, they may be sad about the breakup if there were expectations of permanence for the relationship. They may have wanted you to get married and start a family, and they may think you've taken a big step back from those events. They may also be saddened to lose your ex, to whom they'd grown close. Your parents may think of your ex as a son or daughter and feel the loss keenly.

Of course, if you're close to your family, they can also be a source of powerful support. Your needs may have the effect of drawing family members closer to you, reaffirming the bonds you feel for each other. You may also be surprised to find that, even if your family hadn't fully supported your relationship in the past, they're willing to respond to your pain and lend a hand.

Runnin' with a New Crowd As painful as a breakup can be, the flexibility of relationships means that you're always free to add new people to you life. In fact, these people can help you see the possibilities you have before you -- what your life could be. This new vision can help you leave a relationship or encourage you to spread your wings after you've left.

It can be tremendously exciting to feel your social world opening up to new possibilities and people, though it's not always automatic. The vacuum that your breakup left will begin to fill with new people if you're open to them and go after them. If you feel short on new friendships, try some of these tried and true methods. Get involved in professional groups, visit online message boards or chats, take classes at a learning center or local college, get involved in a political cause or volunteer in your community. Follow your interests and seek out what makes you happy. New people will be naturally attracted to you -- trust us.

Week 4: Looking for Love ... Again

While the progression isn't exactly neat and tidy, once you've survived ground zero and worked your way through most of the rebuilding of yourself and your community, you'll be ready to begin settling into your new life. This is when you can start reaping the benefits of all of your hard work, all of the grieving and reassessment and restructuring.

While you can't change your past decisions, now is the time to change your expectations for your future relationships.

It's time to get a move on -- with your life, that is. Suddenly you find that, if you've really processed and accepted the past, you're raring to jump headlong into your new life -- with a vigor and enthusiasm you never could have imagined before. This is the time to really assess your possibilities and focus your attention on the present and the future. There'll likely be some stumbling blocks, but all in all it'll be full speed ahead.

How Can I Get Closure?

How do you know when the post-breakup process has come to an end? It's called closure, and it's different for everyone. It's a personal experience, based on your own self-reflection. No one can control how or when it will happen. It's a feeling that develops when you've taken the time to examine our past experiences and your feelings about them.

If you haven't experienced closure, there are several things you can do to work toward it. You could:

• Take a few days to go alone to a place that is significant to you and allow yourself to experience a sort of ''cleansing'' of the old and initiation of the new

• Make a scrapbook, cataloging your past relationship, revisiting old memories and fully grieve your loss

• Pack up photos and mementos and bury them in a place that was significant to you and your partner

• Strengthen old friendships and forge new ones

• Enter therapy

• Set firm boundaries with your ex-lover to be sure that you can fully move on in your new life, regardless of your partner's presence

Closure is about the resolution of your feelings. It's up to you to decide how to achieve it -- whether you enter therapy to receive guidance, write unsent letters that express how you feel, talk with your former partner about your feelings or simply spend time alone and with friends processing and resolving your emotions.

The Dating Game

The idea of venturing out on that first date with someone, checking him or her out, and getting checked out, can make you feel anything from shyness to stark terror. The extremity of your emotional reaction may indicate how emotionally ready you are to get back into the dating pool. If you can't contemplate going out on a date without feeling queasy, you may not be ready. But don't underestimate the normal feelings of nervousness tied in to the dreaded first date. If you find your knees knocking in terror, try to remember that you're in good company, and that it does get easier with practice.

Interestingly, many of the women we spoke to talked of dating before they were ready or having flings while they were still trying to get over their ended relationships. While this complicated matters for the majority of these women, there were no huge disasters to speak of. Perhaps this is an indication of how difficult it is to distinguish between normal dating jitters and dating too soon. There are rarely clear distinctions in matters of the heart. When the time is right, take a deep breath and just be your fabulous self.

Of course, you have one significant advantage at this point. After a relationship has ended, you have the opportunity to look back and examine it with the clarity of hindsight. While you can't change your past decisions, now is the time to change your expectations for your future relationships. Take some time to think about what kind of partner you're looking for this time around. Will he be similar to your last, or strikingly different? In what ways? Better yet, examine what kind of partner you will be to the next man in your life.

When Your Ex Dates Again

Speaking of your ex, it's usually difficult to hear that that he has moved on to the next relationship -- no matter how far you've come in the healing process. It can feel like a further rejection or another dose of humiliation.

If your ex leaves you specifically for another person, you may be so shocked that you respond in ways you'd have never thought you would. Whether you have no feelings at all or are overwhelmed with grief, anger and humiliation, you can learn a lot about your beliefs by examining your responses. From there, you can decide what you'd like to change.

Another twist on this situation is when your ex starts dating someone who seems, at least superficially, to be a lot like you. Especially when your ex is the one who decided to end your relationship, it can be disconcerting to feel like he or she has gone out looking for your virtual twin. It can cause you to wonder: Why didn't my ex just stick with me? Don't be surprised if your work toward closure takes a slide back at this point. It's normal. Just trust your feelings, take good care of yourself and your hard work will pay off.

As you finish settling in to your post-breakup life, you have the opportunity to look back over how far you've come. Just as you once focused on the demolition and chaos the breakup brought, hopefully you can now sit back and relax into a remodeled life of your own making. While your life may look vastly different from the one you'd once envisioned for yourself, you may have found that it's your new circumstances that now feel like home to you. And by holding onto the courage it has taken to make this life transition, you'll have the tools to do any renovating or repairs that come up in your future. You've done it once. Ain't no stopping you now.