i don't need to tell you that i've got a problem... isn't it obvious? i hate life... fuck life.. yeah, i hate it so much. before i continue my rambling, let me warn minors not to continue reading. please don't sue me for being so unrefined.. this joint is a center for releasing my feelings... and you have no right to keep me shut my mouth. i am expressing what i feel, and you don't have shit to tell me to shut up. please view this page with any resolution. i'd go fine with anything. ie 4+ would be cool.

for some crappy reason, i felt like crying today (march 20, 01). it seems as if i'm in hell... my senses are dull, and i can't distinguish love from hate. it all stunned me like a person who just lost "it." yea, for crying out loud (!) i know I AM a loser.. yea, i'm shit.. yeah i'm just crap. you think i don't know that?! well damn i do! i know it all. i feel like someone who's suddenly drowned,, the maddening. fuck this. life bites. why does it always rain on me? --> travis.. you know the song? i love singing that song. coz i feel the same way.. but i didn't lie when i was 17 ne.. coz i'm just 14.

well people keep on asking me one question,,, when they find out i'm emotionally sick (eventually, everyone finds out...).. this ONE question: WHY. doushite? yeah.. why. let's get on that. isn't knowing that you're a loser NOT hurt? of course it does.. well that's one of the MANY reasons. what else, yeah.. i'm shit. i am no good.. i am NOT good at anything.. i am some kind of chemical skum. i am a threat to anything that surrounds me. mmm.. what else, No One Loves Me. The person i love doesn't give a DAMN about me (sounds familiar,,?_) the person i love, doesn't give shit.. i am but a speck of dust before her eyes. damn her... it really seems like i've begun to hate this person.. i hate this person because i love this person so much.. very ironic, i say. definitely and completely cynical.

yes i won't joke no one. i am very happy with my family, our house.. our social status in this crummy little society. i am contented with what i have (well.. not really). but i'm well off.. but what i am experiencing is the --> emotional and Personal. not the external. and that's probably something worse... it's hard to hate yourself. it's hard to get hurt all the time, it's hard not to accept who you are... it's hard to be like this. it's hard to understand why the hell i was made like this and not like other people. i hate myself... i hate my life. it's so pathetic.

what else... why am i emotionally disturbed.. i SUCK. i completely suck. i am not pretty. i am not stunning. i am just some-- some rag. i am garbage. call me some self-prasing dunce or whatever you'd like to call me. i ask WHY people can't see what's WITHIN ME. in literary words.. why can't they see what shines in me.. but now i know the answer.. though i doubt it sometimes.. THERE IS NOTHING IN ME. THERE IS NO LIGHT. NOTHING THAT SHINES. I AM NOT SPECIAL. really, i know the truth really DOES hurt. and there's nothing we can actually do about it. that's how cruel life is.. and that's how pathetic mine is.

i hate the world.. it's so damn stereotyped. why can't people just be people.. why can't everyone just be equal.. why can't everyone just be the same-- and no damned stereotypes would be living in this world. wouldn't that be so nice? i'd like to live in a world like that. everyone is BORN equal.. and there wouldn't be any jealousy, any hatred. in my point of view, that's EXACTLY what makes this world evil. HUMANS aka PEOPLE make it that way... we brand ourselves into these little bitches and sons-of-bitches who don't think anymore. i quote a line from cibo matto: your vision of stupidy is made of vanity. but no matter how i complain and ramble here, i can't make a stand. no matter how much i dread being alive, and being here.. you can't change the fact that you can't live in a different planet, and you won't see other people who aren't that stereotyped anyway. so, you can't make resolutions. how can you be individuality-wise if you live in a dratted stereotyped world where you can't bloom as a person. u can't bloom into a person.

what is my solution? sucide suicide suicide suicide suicide suicide suicide suicide suicide suicide suicide. i am proud to tell you that i typed all that without using a copy and paste tool from this damn PC. you get the picture, i wanna do it. i used to be a religious dude with all respect,, knowledgeable about the love and the life and everything that goes with it. but i guess, the reason why the word suicide was coined is because of the misery of humans.. people made it. but i don't think i can do it. just like what my friend recited during her monologue, i'm just too much of a coward to really do it. heck, you never know! i might have the courage tomorrow.. or maybe later! who knows.. who knows.. who knows..

speaking of monologues, each and everyone had to make her own monologue and perform it infront of an audience. well my performance wasn't that grand.. but what i do know is that i really meant what i said during the monologue. it was about unreciprocated love and my own misery. it was a silly performance. after i presented, i felt my body heat up. i don't usually feel like this.. but this time, i felt my body heat up and i thought i had a fever because of too much tension. thank God, i didn't have a fever.. anyway, i meant it all.. from the start til bottom. it wasn't a very poetic piece.. it was more of a cursing piece. i kept on saying all those rude words. it's not my fault! it's this person's fault. and she doesn't even know it's her fault. but noooo-- it's not her fault, it's mine. i fell in love.. nooo-- it's her fault! she's so beautiful,, how can i help but admire her. i still can't find the answers to these questions. they still ARE-- left unanswered.

i think i should leave it up now. my eyes are still swelling after that tremendous blow of tears. my poor eyes.. they lack luster, somehow. and my head throbs. i need to rest. i need to die. self expression is rewarding... it makes you release all the pain. thank God for computers, html, and adobe photoshop. they allow me to be myself. if ever you're reading this, i would really want to:

apoplogize for being such a b****. i really am sorry. but i can do nothing about it. i know i'm a loser... please just accept me for who i am. sorry for all the foul language. english has lots-o-words.. lotsa curse words.. lotsa bad words.. and it just so happens i'm a bad girl livin in a baaaaadd world. where everything is eventually bad. oh look! the trashcan fell.. i need to go pick it up! i need to! so i'll end this now.. i'll end it now before i "spill it all out."

livin in a baaaaddd world. xxx - andrea contact--> icq: 15306651 mail: tasuki_shinta@lycos.com