this is a grand tale about my cat, ozzie.
		once upon a time Ozzie the cat swam to Haiti with a pickup truck tied to his tail. it was very heavy. when he got to Haiti, he untied his truck and drove it very fast. as he drove very fast across the island, his fatness broke the wheels off the truck. the wheels hit villagers but they were ok. one of the wheels knocked baby doc (duvalier) out of power (this happened a long time ago). all the Haitians loved ozzie and carried him around the island, but he wsa very fat and squished them. but they were ok! richard simmons decided to help ozzie. he made ozzie sweat to the oldies until he was thin. ozzie was famous for his accomplishments. he went back to haiti with his fast truck, but htis time he flew in his truck because it had wings like chitty chitty bang bang. he was to have a feast, but soon found out that all haitians eat are stinky chairs. he cried out in disbelief, "no! this cannot be!" but he was forced to eat them because if he didn't the haitians would turn him into a stinky chair and eat hi,. the stinky chairs tasted like moldy cheeses. he did not believe it! he loved moldy cheeses! he ate many stinky chairs all night. but hte stinky chairs gave him ulcers. he went to dr. katvorkian for help. all dr. katvorkian wanted to do was assist him in suicide, but ozzie would not because that is not allowed in this story. so ozzie takled to rosie o'donnel. she told him to plug the holes with little debbie snack cakes. roseanne recommended lay's potato chips. he decided that that was a good idea. he ate a lot and got fat. he went to the hospital. dr. katvorkian was there with the drd. katvorkian dancers. they performed their broadway hit revue "suicide is fun!". ozzie still did not want to commit suicide. he married a nurse instead. they lived in the hospital with 32 children. ozzie decided to stay fat. he sent regular hate mail to richard simmons and his hair. ...and they all live happily ever after. the end!
	story info: this was written for my 8th grade language arts class. we had to write as our teacher walked around and stuck stickers on our papers indicating to add characters, places, events, &c... our class was a rowdy, wild one, and our stories entertained a lot of violence and sex, so we were forbidden from any "bad" content, including death. ozzie (osborne duchess sabbath) is one of my 4 cats. he's really fat, and i refer to him casually as "fatass". dr. katvorkian is from a joke of my father's about the person animals go to to be put down.