(Turn off the lights and watch as your screen explodes in 3....2....1....just kidding.)

	Hey there, everyone.  I'd just like to say that in this series, I'm only C&Cing and making witty comments.  I don't, in any way, mean offense to any of the authors or original show Mystery Science Theater 3000, who have spent hours on end working to make this idea possible to form in my head.
	My anime friends are from these worlds: MST 3K (I have to use Cambot after all!), Sailor Moon, El Hazard, Ranma 1/2.
	Please don't sue me!
	Enjoy! ^_^;

(This might be a bit difficult to sing...)

There was a senior in high school named A-kun,
He had two brothers who worked at M.H.I,
One day they brought him in to clean up the place,
But they didn't like the job he did so they shot him into space...

(Hey!  You can't do this!  I know people!  REAL people!)
(Yeah, but they're the ones paying us to do this!  WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!)

We'll send him cheesy fanfics,
The worst we can find! (lalala)
He'll have to sit and watch them all
and we'll monitor his mind! (lalala)

Now keep in mind A-kun can't control
where the fanfics begin or end. (lalala)
Because he used those special parts
to summon his anime friends!

Anime Roll Call:
Cambot! (Pan left.)
Ami Mizuno! (Hi there!)
Ifurita! (What is the purpose of this?)
Ranmaaaaaaaaaaaaaa...(I'm DIFFERENT!)

If you're wondering how he eats and breathes,
and other science facts, (lalala)
Just repeat to yourself, "It's just a show,
I should really just relax!
For Mystery Anime Theater 2000...

[In space, a giant stapler is floating over Earth.  This is the Satelite of Anime.  We enter...]
	[There's a brown haired young man who looks like he really shouldn't be in high school.  He turns to Cambot and us.]

A-kun: Oh, hi!  I'm A-kun!  Welcome to the Satellite of Anime.  And with me just recently added to the population are Ranma Saotome from Ranma 1/2, Ami Mizuno from Sailor Moon, the great and dangerous Demon-God Ifurita who is *KIND* and *COURTEOUS* to the person who summoned her...

Ifurita: (rolling her eyes) Bite me.  (smiling in a less than friendly manner) Makoto likes S&M and eventually, you will too.

A-kun: (Bigsweating as he continues)...and of course, Cambot from MST 3K, which is a very fine show, I might add.

Ranma: Suck up.

	[A red light begins flashing on a panel near A-kun.]

A-kun: Hush now.  Laverne and Shirley are calling.

[Deep Throat 4]

	[A black-haired guy in a lab coat is standing in front of the camera.  Nearby a taller guy with brown hair is wearing a black jumpsuit.  These are A-kun's brothers.]

Black-haired guy: Hello *LOSERS*.  I hope you've got your invention for the exchange.

[SOA]

A-kun: Well, I knew this would turn into some sort of copy of MST 3K, so I prepared my invention ahead of time.  Dr. Matheus, I'll let you go first, just so I can blow you out of the water!  BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!

	[The anime characters look at A-kun and begin getting Anime Sweatdrops (tm).]

[Deep Throat 4]

Dr. Matheus: Hmph!  TV's Danny Boy, get our invention.

TV's Danny Boy: Yes, Dr. Matheus.

	[Danny goes over to a cart and wheels it in front of the camera.  It has what looks like a dummy of Makoto Mizuhara (from El Hazard).]

Dr. Matheus: This is a more advanced version of your standard electric chair.  You see, many criminals do horrendous crimes and let's face it, lethal injection and such just don't do it anymore.

[SOA]

Ami: So your machine kills them more effienciently?

[DP4]

Dr. Matheus: Hell no.  It's WORSE!  They're forced to read Ratliff stories until they die!  BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!

	[The dummy of Makoto explodes violently.]

Dr. Matheus: What do you think, A-kun?

[SOA]

A-kun: I think you made a mistake about having the dummy look like Makoto Mizuhara.

[DP4]

Dr. Matheus: Why's that?

[SOA]

	[Ifurita is standing at a gun port.]

Ifurita: RED LIGHTNING!!!!

	[Thousands of blasts fly at Earth, blasting at the protective shielding over DP4.]

[DP4]

Dr. Matheus: Nice try, Ifurita, but the shielding over Deep Throat 4 is great enough to withstand ANY attack from an AC.

[SOA]

Ranma: A what?

A-kun: AC means Anime Character.

Ranma: Oh.

A-kun: But that doesn't mean my WOMBAT CANNON won't work!

	[The Wombat Cannon, which A-kun swiped from John Walter Biles' room, fires, causing the shields around DP4 to shudder underneath the terrific blast.]

[DP4]

Dr. Matheus: Nice try, but we knew you'd take the Wombat Cannon, so we've made the shields able to withstand that blast too.  That's my other latest invention.  The Ifurita Shield System(tm).  It can withstand any attack and will adapt so similar attacks will be useless.

[SOA]

A-kun: DAMN!  Oh well.  Your shield system will show one flaw sooner or later.

Ranma: Man, Biles is gonna kick your @$$ for swiping his Wombat Cannon.

A-kun: I know, but I just had to try for Ifurita's sake.

[DP4]

Dr. Matheus: Well, boobies, what's your invention?

[SOA]

A-kun: My invention is based on a tricorder from Star Trek.  You often see episodes where the idiots have nothing but their useless tricorder.  Well, my Swiss Army Tricorder will not only act also as a phaser, but it will also act as a food replicator, a shield, a pocket knife, a pair of speedos, a toaster, a slicer, a dicer, a chopper and a hopper and it's ALL available for who?  You.  At a low, low price of 4 easy payments of $999,999,999,999.93 a minute plus interest per second late on every payment.  Residents of New Jersey must pay an additional $6.95 for S&H (Shipping and Handling for those who don't know).

	[Ranma presses a button on the tricorder and it turns into a pair of speedos.  He walks off with them.]

[DP4]

Dr. Matheus: Hey, these speedos are quite comfortable.

	[Dr. Matheus is wearing the speedos and is tugging at them.  Suddenly, it changes color and explodes.]

[SOA]

A-kun: [grinning] I forgot to mention that if you tug them, they explode.

Ami: That wasn't very nice.

Ifurita: Thanks A-kun.

A-kun: No problem.  Anything to get back at them.

[DP4]

Dr. Matheus:  Your fanfic, booby, is a 'fic known as "Scoop of the Day" by...I think it's Raphael See, but I'm not sure....anyway, enjoy!

[SOA]

	[Ranma walks back onto the bridge smoking as the blast from his speedos had mildly singed him.  Suddenly, the red light begins flashing and alarms and klaxons go off.]

A-kun: OH NO!  WE'VE GOT FANFIC SIGN!!!!

	[Cambot begins zooming forward as the ACs and A-kun run to their access ports.  The dog-bone door opens for Cambot.]
	[Door 1: It's a wall of dogs.  You throw a stick and they all run to retrieve it save one dog which you step over.  Before you leave, it says "Yo quiero Taco Bell." and stares at you intently.]
	[Door 2: It's a revolving door.  You have to take off your skis so you can enter.]
	[Door 3: It's a bunch of water.  It collapses to the ground as you walk through.]
	[Door 4: It's a shower curtain.  You rip it back and see Ifurita showering.  Sure, you get slapped, but it was worth it.]
	[Door 5: It's a bunch of graduates howling over a kegger.  You navigate your way through their decaying corpses.]
	[Door 6: It's a vault door and opens for you.]

	[Ifurita enters first, then Ami, then A-kun, then
Ranma.  They sit in the same order.]

>From: raphael@asu.edu
>Subject: [RANMA][Fanfic] Scoop of the Day - Part 1

A-kun: EGADS!  There's more than ONE?!

>    Okay, here's my first attempt at a fanfiction ever!

All [in a monotone voice]: We know.

>Please feel free
>to comment, criticize, kill, clean, or correct to your
>heart's content.

A-kun: Heh heh heh... he'll wish he had never typed that!

>Scoop of the Day

Ami: I think I'd rather stick to just plain chocolate, thank you very much...

>A Ranma 1/2 Fanfic

Ranma: WHOO!!!  YOU GO, BOY!  Let's do the Wave!

>Disclaimer: Ranma and company are the property of Rumiko
>Takahashi (like
>I'd be able to come up with anything that crazy on my >own!).

A-kun: Yeah, who are YOU to play god?

Ifurita: Well...

A-kun: Shush.

>This fanfic
>was written because I didn't have anything better to do and
>because I
>like Ranma 1/2.

Ranma: What?!  People do this on a WHIM?!

A-kun: Why do you think I write this junk?

> No profit was gained from this writing,

Ranma: WHAT?!?!  I ALWAYS make a profit on starring in fanfics, so you'd BETTER make money or I'll take it out of your hide!

A-kun: That's a bit cruel, Ranma.

Ranma: Well, after Ms. Takahashi-sama quit writing, I'm been out of a job.  I NEED every paycheck!

>no glory was won,

A-kun: Kuno would pause right about here and wonder why he was writing this if it wasn't for glory?

Ami: So would we.

>and no animals were harmed in the production of this story.

Ranma: We'll fix that, here P-chan....

>Special thanks to Mike. W. Loader for his ideas and >support, and for
>convincing me that my idea wasn't so dumb after all.

A-kun: Mike shouldn't have done that...

Ami: That's not very nice, A-kun.

Ifurita: We. should. destroy. this. Mike. W. Loader. for. his. dumb. ideas.

A-kun: HEY!  When did you get so witty?

Ifurita: Heh.  It's part of my new programming.

>WARNING!!! In the following story, you will see none of the
>below:
>	*Lemon scenes

All save Ami: DAMN!

Ami: Oh good.

	[The others stare at her as if she's mad.]

A-kun: I think we can fix that anyway...

>	*Angst

Ranma: Ah, Ryoga ain't in it.

>	*Resolved relationships

A-kun: Well, at least he had the right idea.

	[Ranma grumbles out some dirty insults.  A-kun began wondering if he got the RIGHT Ranma...]

>	*Crossovers

Ami: Ah, a PURE anim-....er, mang-....er, Fanfic.

A-kun: What a dork!  Crossovers have the most fun in them!  Not to mention everyone'll read a crossover just to see what the plot is...

Ranma: That explains why no one reads your stuff.

A-kun: HEY!

>    Okay, on with the show!

Ami: Okay, now hit 'Stop'!

>Chapter One: Here's Noriko

Ifurita: And Here's Ifurita.  What's your point?

>	Noriko Hirauchi held her head in her hands

A-kun: Ewww!  I hate horror movies.  Just think of how bloody that room must be...

Ami and Ranma [Shivering]: STOP THAT!

A-kun: Heh heh heh.

>and sighed as she
>looked at the chaos around her.

Ami: Yeah, it's all over the place.  Chaos!  How many times do I have to tell you not to drool in here!

A-kun: I'm sure he wasn't drooling...

Ami: A-KUN!  Stop that sentence RIGHT THERE!

>	The journalism room of Furinkan High was always in some
>state of
>disorder, but this afternoon, entropy levels were at an >all-time high.

A-kun [spasming]: ACK!  ACK! ACK!  ACK!!!!

Ami: I don't think it's real entropy, A-kun. (For those less familiar with the word Entropy, it means the end/death of all things like energy, time, light, darkness, Akane's cooking, etc.  Wait, no, Akane's cooking can withstand it.)

A-kun: Oh, then why even mention it?

>It was deadline day, and just about everyone in the room
>scrambled about,

A-kun: No, I like my rooms unscrambled thank you.

Ami: That was pretty lame, A-kun.  Even *I* know that.

>each dealing with their own little crises. The guy in the
>corner --yes,
>that one--

Ami: No, not him. Him.  No, next to him.  No, you're thinking of that other guy...

> he had lost the floppy that contained the article that was >due
>today. The girl over there with the ribbon in her hair

Ifurita: Could you be a LITTLE more vague, please?

> -- she was
>supposed to have met the principal this afternoon to
>interview him about
>his latest truancy policy, but he was currently >unavailable, something
>that had to do with a pineapple bomb going haywire and him
>going to the
>infirmary.

Ranma: And this is a bad thing?

> And the guy way in the back sprawled on the
>floor, well,

A-kun: He was just peeing on the floor.

Ami: He was just licking up his ice cream that fell on the floor.

Ranma: He was petting his pet invisible spider...

Ifurita [Swatting at seemingly nothing]:  Must...  destroy...  the...  invisible...  spiders! 

> one of the teachers had caught him sneaking around the >faculty lounge trying
>to overhear the latest details on the bomb explosion and
>decided to drain
>him of his chi, yammering something about "delinquency."

Ami [rolling her eyes]: Gee, who could the teacher be?

Ranma: Do you know?  Can you PLEASE tell me?

	[Ami groans.]

>	And so on and so forth.

Ifurita: SALLY FORTH!!!  I WILL DESTROY YOU!!!

Ami: No, not her.

Ifurita: Oh.

> And Noriko was responsible for
>them all.

ALL: 

Ami: You're the second gunman on the grassy knoll?

A-kun: You're the one who swiped my pencil in the third grade?

Ifurita: You're responsible for my imprisonment?

Ranma: You're responsible for Jusenkyo and everything that's gone wrong in my life?

>"Hey, where's that story on last week's softball game!?" >she hollered,
>trying to make herself heard in the already maddening >noise.

	[The MAT 2K crew look at each other and then look at themselves.]

Ifurita: I don't feel maddened.

Ranma: Yeah, I don't even see Madden.

	[A-kun and Ami sigh and roll their eyes at Ranma's comment.]

>	"Sorry, chief, the printer in here went blooey and I
>had to go to
>another room to get it out!" A sheet of paper was thrust in
>her face.

Ranma: KABLAM!  No, I know, it went WOOZZLEWUZZLE!  No... I've got it!  ZORK!  No, ah, it just went CORNHOLE!

>"Here you are!"

Ami: No, I'm over here.

>	Noriko glanced over it quickly to make sure it was an
>article
>about softball and not last night's math homework.

Ranma: Yes, they were still trying to figure out why I got 73 out of 7 + 3.

> The printer was
>broken?

Ranma: No, I told you, it went GOOSENUBBLE!  No, it was more like GERKINSTEIN!  Maybe HOOPLOMPLE!

> Well, she could deal with that later. "Hey, what
>about those
>photos I asked for?" No response. "Hey! Gosunkugi! Drop >that stupid doll
>and get over here!"

Ranma: She relies on Gosunkugi?  The guy who kept taking my picture over and over trying to figure out my weakness?  The same guy who once spent three rolls of film on Akane in one hour?

Ami: Yep, it's him.

Ranma: EGADS!

	[A-kun looks at him funny.]

>	A rather sheepish, baggy-eyed freshman quickly made his
>way over
>to Noriko's desk.

Ifurita: His eyes were in the shape of bags?

A-kun: Shush.

> "Sorry, here they are," he mumbled as he
>handed an
>envelope over. Noriko opened it and examined its contents.

Ami: THESE ARE OF ME IN THE SHOWER!

A-kun: Now look who's being a pervert.

>Ah, here was a
>good photo of the team captain (Akane, wasn't it?) catching
>a pop fly.

A-kun: Akane's the captain of the team?  Which team?  And why is she suddenly in Xanth?

Ranma: Xanth?

A-kun: Read Piers Anthony sometime.  He's really good. And yes, that's a shameless plug.

>And another of Akane at bat. And Akane sitting in the
>dugout. And Akane
>chasing some pig-tailed girl with a bat, and Akane getting
>some water,

Ranma [Singing]: Memories...blahblahblahblah...Memories... blahblahblahblah...Memories...

A-kun: You don't know the song, do you?

Ranma: Nope.

>and waitaminute were these all pictures of...

A-kun: Gosunkugi!  Will you stop taking pictures of your tatoos?

	[Ifurita is standing before a mirror with a camera.]

A-kun: Ifurita, stop that.

>	"Gosunkugi no BAKA!!" Noriko shouted. "You wasted an
>entire roll
>taking pictures of AKANE??"

A-kun: YEAH! And there all clean, too!  WE NEED SMUT, YOU DAMNED FOOL!  WE'RE A TABLOID, FOR KAMI-SAMA'S SAKE!

>	Gosunkugi blanched. "S-s-sorry! Th-that's the roll I
>bought for
>myself. H-here're the real pictures!" He quickly shoved an
>identical
>envelope across the table.

Ami [with a serious tone]: Open it and you'll never be able to look at peanut butter the same way twice.

> Noriko snatched it up and quickly looked
>inside.

Ifurita: THERE'S NOTHING IN HERE!!!

>	"Okay, that's better. I'd better not catch you wasting
>our film,
>you know! That film costs money, and we're rather tight on
>funds!"

Ranma [with a lecherous look in his eyes] [as Noriko]: And we're all in tights.  Especially me!

	[Ami whaps him.]

>	"H-h-hai, Noriko-san! Gomen!" Gosunkugi quickly
>scurried away.

Ami: Okay, who wants it?

Ifurita: I'll do it.  AHEM!  Squeak, squeak.

>	Noriko sighed once more. The chaos seemed to have
>dropped to
>manageable levels; the guy had found his floppy 

Ami and Ifurita: What?  Floppy what?!

A-kun: As in a disk.

Ifurita: I'm sure Ami-chan and I would LOVE to see Ranma-kun's disk as well as yours.

	[A-kun begins sweating.  Ranma pales as he thinks of what Akane would do to him.]

>in the computer's drive,

Ifurita: OH! OH!

A-kun: STOP THAT!  Yeesh, and I thought I was the pervert...

>the girl had managed to contact the principal on the phone,

Ranma: This is a *GOOD* thing?!?

>and the guy
>on the floor was even starting to come around.

Ami: WOOOHOOOO!!!!

Ranma: [eyes twitching] Eh.....

> Sometimes her crew was a
>bit tough to work with, but they always managed to pull
>through somehow.

A-kun [in a speaker voice]: Welcome to McDonald's.  What  today?

Ranma: I'd like a Whopper and some Crazy Bread.

A-kun: Let me just .  That'll be  please  around  second window.

>	Noriko allowed a brief wave of pride to wash over her.

Ifurita: Is it anything like oil?

Ami: Yes, but it's twice as tough to get rid of if it stains your skirt.

>Her crew.

A-kun: ARRR!!  It's me shitmates! {Heh,heh,heheh, heh, poop!} Darn TharzZzDunN.  That was him talking!

>Her paper.

Ranma: Her pencil.

Ifurita: Her pride-stained skirt.

Ami: Her hair.

A-kun: Her left hand.  Which incidentally was currently...

Ami: Stop that line of thought right there, bucko!

> After all, she was editor-in-chief of the
>Furinkan Informer,

Ranma: Never heard of it.  And I starred in this thing, too.

>and had single-handedly rescued the paper from the rut of
>mediocrity it
>was stuck in when she had arrived at Furinkan just a little
>over a year
>and a half ago.

Ami: And something changed?

> To be editor-in-chief as a sophomore, that
>was
>unthinkable.

A-kun: Then don't think of it.

> And to be editor-in-chief practically
>immediately as a
>newcomer to Furinkan, that was even more unthinkable.

Ranma: Then just think about it less then being editor-in-chief as a sophomore.  It's not shameful to have a dream.

A-kun: Especially if it's dirty and you tell us about it!

> But, after a
>stellar first year as a reporter (getting the scoop on the
>Oni invasion
>was a plus),

A-kun: HEY!  I thought there wasn't any crossovers in here!  And yes, mentionings count.  After all, I've read so-called 'Crossovers' with Ranma and Sailor Moon where Ranma and co. only got mentionings.

Ifurita: Then, that means the other things he promised wouldn't be in here, are, in fact, in here.

	[They all realized this and began focusing intently on the story.]

> everyone on the paper had agreed that editor-
>in-chief was
>where Noriko Hirauchi belonged.

Ami: Well, why isn't she at Editor-in-chief?  And where is that? I've heard of goofy names for cities, but this one takes the cake.

Ranma: Cake?!  WHERE?!

A-kun: I believe it's some sort of position.

Ami: Ah.

Ranma: Nevermind that, where's the cake?!

>	"Hey, chief! Got the layout for next week's edition
>right here!"
>Noriko broke out of her reverie and directed her attention
>towards
>Suzuki, the layout editor.

Ifurita: Wait, that was supposed to be a reverie?

> Suzuki waved a sheaf of paper.

A-kun: Man, this is a sheaf load of paper.

Ami: Maybe that's what on it too, sheaf.

Ifurita: I usually put sheaf in a compost heap.

Ranma: One moment guys, I REALLY gotta go sheaf.

>"It's a real
>beaut, too! Okay, we've got the normal header for the front
>page, and the
>top headline is--"

Ranma [as he heads out]: "Ranma goes to Sheaf"?

Ami: "Sheaf, your enemy".

Ifurita: "Sheaf, it's what's for dinner and it's all Americans eat".

A-kun: "This paper is a load of sheaf!"

>	"Let me guess," Noriko interrupted. "'Student Brawl
>Causes Damage
>to School: Disagreement between martial artists becomes out
>of hand,U"
>she recited with an almost bored look on her face.
>	Suzuki looked crestfallen. "You already took a look at
>the
>layout, chief?"

A-kun: Damn!  And here I wasted all this time putting it on *SHEAF* paper!  Do you know how expensive *SHEAF* paper is?!

>	"No, but that's what the headline has been for the last
>four
>editions of the Informer!" Noriko said, frustrated. "It's
>gotten so that
>nothing short of Nerima sinking into the ocean will even
>make the
>students turn their heads!"

Ifurita [as Suzuki]: Wait, Porn does it too!

Ami: And so do bondage pictures of me!

A-kun: Ah-HA!  So you *ARE* wrong, Noriko Hirauchi!

>	"Well, chief, it is rather important news," Suzuki
>remarked,
>somewhat annoyed.

A-kun: No it isn't.  News that the school was burning down, now THAT is important.

Ami: News on how to fight giant killer gummy jellyfish with a bullwhip and a chair, now THAT is important.

Ifurita: News on how I scored with Makoto before I was called here, now THAT is important.

Ami: But martial artists?  Bah, that's useless important news.

>	"Yeah, it was news the first time, all right, but then
>the
>incidents kept occurring over and over again!" Noriko shook
>her head in
>frustration.

A-kun:..and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over again!  And I haven't even counted a third of the fights!

	[Ranma returns.]

Ranma: Ahhh....

> "Why can't this be a normal high school like
>everywhere
>else? Somewhere where fights don't occur every single darn
>day and you
>don't have to worry about losing your head as you walk to
>your next
>class.

A-kun: Would you rather live in Tomobiki?  Or Shinjuku?  Or Quagmire High? Or Angel Grove?  Or Tokyo 3?  Or Tsunami High?  Or any other universe's death trap of a school?  Trust me, lady, you're at the safest school in the world.  After all, where else does something happen on a time table that's easy to follow?

> It's all those darn martial artists!" Noriko spat out the >word "artists."

Ranma: HEY!!!  See, it's not martial artists, it's normal artists!

> "Some 'art,' breaking everything in sight! In
>fact--"

Ifurita: Mona Lisa!  You put those desks back the way they were!

A-kun: David!  Bad sculpture!  You broke the toilet, you fix it!

Ami: All right, mister Van Gogh's ear, you'll just be paying for those windows you just broke!

Ranma: All right you little abstract art, you!  You'll be reinstalling that carpeting and insulation...

>	Just then, Mr. Watanabe, the advisor,

Ifurita: YEAH!  GO, GO, GO!

Ami: Huh?

A-kun: A Watanabe was involved in the production of El Hazard.  I think he was the Music Director or something.

Ranma: Man, that's obscure.

> poked his head into the
>doorway. "Noriko, could I talk to you for a moment?" He
>gestured towards
>his office.

Ifurita: HA-HA!  You're BUSTED!

A-kun: Maybe I should look into her programming and see what else Makoto tampered around with...

>
>	Mr. Watanabe calmly sat down in his chair and studied
>the
>standing, slightly nervous Noriko in front of him. She was >a cute enough
>girl, slightly short for her age, with shoulder-length wavy
>brown hair
>and round glasses that made her already large eyes appear
>even larger
>than they were, creating an impression of eager, although
>somewhat
>untried, intelligence.

Ranma: At last!  We finally know what she looks like!  Yeesh, Raphael, until now, she was just an amorphous blob!

TharzZzDunN: [popping in] And something's changed? [popped out]

> Watanabe-sensei drew a breath inward,
>realizing

A-kun: He just let one rip.

>what he had to say to Noriko would not be pleasant. Still,
>although she
>didn't look it, Noriko was a tough girl,

Ifurita: No, she isn't.  I kicked her around the room when we fought.

Ranma: Save for A-kun, I'm sure you've kicked us all around.

> and would probably be able to
>take the news well.
>	"Noriko, I couldn't help but overhearing what you were
>saying
>about the martial artists in our school," Mr. Watanabe said
>carefully,

Ami: Careful.....careful......

>fingering a letter opener in the shape of a small katana.

Ifurita: If that isn't useless...

>	"Hai, sensei," Noriko said, looking at the ground.
>	With lightning speed,

A-kun: Mr. Watanbe let another one rip!

> Mr. Watanabe hurled the letter

Ifurita: That he wanted her to open for him, since he was so dorky he couldn't open it himself.

>opener in
>Noriko's direction. Before Noriko could even gasp in
>surprise, her
>reflexes took over her body and Noriko caught the blade 

	[The MAT 2K began laughing.]

Ranma: BLADE?!?!

Ami: I couldn't cut butter with that thing!

A-kun: I couldn't even open a letter with that thing!

Ifurita: It's so useless that it wasn't even destroyed when I blasted it!

>just centimeters
>from her face. "What did you that for?? You could have been
>killed!"

All: HUH?!

Ami: Okay, so...I'm assuming it's....Noriko talking, so why is she concerned about Mr. Watanabe?

Ranma: Maybe she'd kick his @$$ if it actually hit her.

A-kun: I'd believe it.

>	Mr. Watanabe's smile was wan. "No, I couldn't have, and
>you know
>it as much as I do." He readjusted himself in his chair.

Ranma: One moment, guys.  I do this.

	[Ranma walks over to the projector and begins making shadow figures.  First, a butterfly.  Then, a bunny.  Then, a dog.  Finally, he made an Eva and Angel and had them fight briefly.]

Ami: Well, that's more interesting than the story right now.

Ifurita: I'm curious as to what lame excuse Raphael's going to make about the *SPECTACULAR* Noriko, who can catch *DEADLY* letter openers?

A-kun: Well, you just know it'll be a stupid one.

>"Noriko, I know
>you didn't mean what you were saying in there about martial
>arts." A
>statement, not a question.

A-kun: A lame plot device, not a good one.

Ranma: Wait a minute!  Everyone in Nerima that has Martial Arts training has formed at least six love triangles!

Ami: No kidding.

>	Noriko was indignant. "Not mean it? Of course I did!
>They cause
>nothing but trouble, and damage, and..." Noriko trailed off
>at the sight
>of the stern look that had replaced her sensei's smile.

	[Ranma glares at Noriko.]

Ifurita: And the stern look from the aquatransexual made her wet herself.

>	"Noriko, you couldn't have caught that letter opener
>and still
>think that you don't want anything to do with the martial
>arts. And I
>thought I had taught you so well." Mr. Watanabe waved his
>hand,

Ranma: In a vain attempt to clear the air after he let so many rip!

>dismissing his last thought.

A-kun: Yeah, just chalk that little act up on the insanity chart.

Ami: No kidding.  Just because I know fifty-two ways to kill someone without using my hands doesn't mean I want to use them anytime soon.

Ifurita: Just because I'm the ultimate weapon, that doesn't mean I'm going to use a handgun.

> "Anyway, that's not the reason

Ranma: Good, because if you were going to go into a whole stupid discussion about how seeing martial arts make someone a martial artist, then that means any idiot who watches Bruce Lee or Jackie Chan and starts doing their moves can call themselves a martial artist.

>I brought you
>in here. I went to the faculty meeting today at the >hospital since
>Principal Kuno couldn't make it to school this afternoon."
>	"Oh? What happened?"

Ami: Well, first, there was a huge explosion that formed stars and such...

A-kun: No, not THAT far back, Ami.

Ami: Oh, okay.  Okay, first I woke up today....

>	"As you know, maintenance costs for Furinkan this year
>have been,
>shall we say, somewhat higher than they have been in the
>past." Mr.
>Watanabe pulled out a packet and handed it to Noriko. "Now,
>what you are
>about to look at must not leave this office."

Ranma: Ever.  Not you, not me, not the spider, not even the door can leave!

>	Noriko scanned the page of numbers. "It looks like a
>budget for

A-kun: Microsoft!  Those jerks aren't paying taxes!

Ami: The U.S. government. [Pause] Gee, it's kidda small...

Ranma: HEY!  I was swimming recently!

>next year," she remarked. "Maintenance costs, improvements,
>funds to
>various programs: rugby, gymnastics, Hawaii Club, softball,
>yearbook...hey! Where's journalism's funds?"

Ifurita: Where's the U.S. Government's funds?

Ami: Where's the funds for idiotic movies with lame and unrealistic romances?

Ranma: Where's the funds for D.I.C.?  Oh, wait, there they are.

A-kun: Wait a minute!  Rugby, gymnastics, softball, I can understand.  Yearbooks make their own funds.  After all, why else would they charge such outrageous prices.  But at least I can understand the idea of it getting funds.  But a Hawaii Club?  What, are they searching for the perfection of roasting pork or somthing?

>	Mr. Watanabe nodded gravely. "Since costs for repair
>and
>maintenance have been so high this year, Principal Kuno has
>decided to
>eliminate all of what he deems non-essential programs."

A-kun: ALL RIGHT!  They got rid of Windows '95!!  Oh, wait.  Not pointless or useless programs.  Figures.

>	"Non-essential!? What about stupid Hawaii Club? Or
>Chemistry
>Club? Or that awful Akane Tendo Fan Club?"

Ifurita [Noriko]: What about that stupid school newspaper?!  Oh, wait.

>	"Hawaii Club is Principal Kuno's pet club; he won't be
>getting
>rid of that anytime soon.

Ranma: Well, not until we get rid of *HIM*!

> And the Chem and Akane Tendo Fan
>Club don't
>receive funding in the first place." Mr. Watanabe paused. 

Ami: Ah-HA!  Stop right there, Mr. Watanabe!  There is a way to save the paper...

A-kun: Ami, stop prolonging our torture...

Ami: What?  If we resolve this right now, we won't have to sit through the other stories.

Ifurita: She's right, A-kun.  Go ahead Ami.

Ami: As I was going to say, it's easy to solve this dilemma.  Who in Nerima has more money than even the schools?

Ranma: Anyone?

Ami: Well, that is true, but I'm talking about Nabiki.  Just ask her for a loan until you can raise your own funds.  Once you manage to pay off Nabiki in eight years, you should be able to handle any drop in funding.  And besides, they dump the programs that aren't popular first.

>"I know this
>must be tough for you, especially considering all you've
>done for the
>Informer. You saved this paper from certain demise just a
>year ago when
>the biggest news-breaking item was the opening of >Ucchan's."

A-kun: I'm not going to argue this plug.

>	Tears threatened to well up in Noriko's eyes. "Saved it
>just so
>it can be axed by the principal!" she flung bitterly.
>	"Not necessarily so. This budget you're looking at
>isn't a final
>one, and is subject to change with Principal Kuno's fancy. >I will do my
>best to try and convince Principal Kuno's mind in the
>meantime. But,
>unless we can find some funds soon..." Mr. Watanabe's eyes
>glittered
>darkly. "...I'm afraid what you're looking at is going to >be very close
>to what will be passed for next year."

Ifurita: Until we realize it's stupid and kill the principal anyway.

A-kun: Yeesh, getting a bit dark, Ifurita?

Ifurita: Hey, I can't stand that idiot.

>	"But...but our fund-raisers barely cover our extra
>costs as it
>is," Noriko said weakly.

Ranma: Ah, the answer is simple.  Just don't have extra costs.  Build a little nest egg and _then_ start allowing extra costs.

A-kun [thinking]: Hmmm, this isn't the usual dumb Ranma.  I definitely screwed up with him, so maybe I grabbed a different Ifurita and Ami too.

>	Mr. Watanabe looked sympathetically at Noriko. "Yes, I
>know,"

Ami: [Mr. Watanabe] Everything.  After all, I'm Kami-Sama.

> he
>said gently, "but that's just the truth of the matter. I'll
>help you as
>best as I can for fund-raisers, but I just want you to know
>in advance
>that saving the Informer may be a very difficult task
>indeed. I'm very
>sorry Noriko, but there just isn't any other way to look at

Ami: Your dress.  It's just too tacky.

Ifurita: Your letter opener.  It's way too stupid looking, oops!  That's mine.

A-kun: Your shoes.  They don't even match your eyes!

Ranma: Your underwear.  I mean, Kubisan, the Happy Hippo?

>it. I'll make
>a formal announcement next week

A-kun [Mr. Watanabe]: That I'm a dork!

> when the next edition of 

Ranma: The National Enquirer.

A-kun: The Daily Planet.

Ifurita: National Geographic.

Ami: Sailor Moon.

>the Informer
>gets out. Until then, I'd appreciate silence in this
>matter."

	[The MAT 2K crew begin making crickets noises, save Ifurita, who makes the sound of a breeze.  A-kun tosses a tumbleweed across the room.]

>
>	Noriko slowly walked back to the journalism room.
>Somehow,
>deadline day didn't seem as urgent anymore.

Ranma: Yeah, reorganizing my sock drawer is more important.

>Not when she knew that the
>paper would probably not last another year...!

A-kun: Yeah.  Say Ami, is the first stage of grief supposed to be pure and unending joy?

>	*All right, none of that*, Noriko chided herself. You
>can worry
>about that in a week.

	[The MAT 2K crew look around.]

Ranma: Who the heck is Raphael talking to?  Us?

> *For now, you should concentrate on
>making  the
>Informer the best paper it can be!* Still, Noriko did not
>feel too much
>better.

A-kun: Hi, I'm Dr. Chad Feelgood.  I think I can fix that...

Ami: Stop right there, A-kun.  Or do you want to see why I've been called the 'Ice Queen'?

A-kun: Uh, 'cause you're fun to have at keggers?

Ami: THAT'S IT!

	[Ami changes into Sailor Mercury and begins chasing A-kun.]

> It was all the fault of those darn martial artists,
>breaking the
>walls and equipment and such...

Ranma [Noriko]:...cool guys!  I mean, that Ranma is *SO* hunky!  I wish I could be his fiancee.

Ranma [Ranma]: Sorry, but you're a loser.

>	*Wait a minute*, Noriko thought to herself.

Ifurita: I left the world's largest Cubic Zirconia back in Mr. Watanabe's room!

Ranma [Mr. Watanabe]: What an eyesore!

> *Maybe I can get back at
>them after all.* She started walking faster.
>	
>	By the time Noriko arrived at the room, most of the
>chaos had
>sorted itself out and the room was much quieter.

Ifurita: That's impossible.

Ranma: What?

Ifurita: Chaos sorting itself.  I mean, c'mon!  Chaos has been everything but sorted.  It can be sorted so it's no longer Chaos, but for Chaos to be sorted goes against it's nature!  Raphael, just say the commotion has died down.

> She absently waved "hi"
>at her staring crew and headed for the photograph file.
>Opening a drawer,
>she pulled out a manila envelope marked

	[Ami and A-kun walk back.  A-kun is shaking off the remains of a few layers of ice.]

Ami: "BONDAGE PICS OF NORIKO HIRAUCHI"

Ranma: "1001 WAYS TO BANG YOUR HEAD AGAINST THE WALL"

Ifurita: "TIGHT FITTING CLOTHING, A PHOTOGRAPHER'S BEST FRIEND"

A-kun [now recovered]: "LAME PLOT DEVICES, DON'T EVER USE THESE IF YOU WANT TO BE RESPECTED IN THE MORNING"

> "DISASTERS AND DAMAGE -- NO
>NEGATIVES." She laid out the enclosed photos on the desk in
>front of her.

Ranma: Duh.  No, I thought she'd put them on the floor or in the fireplace, but the desk?  gasp.

>	*These are photos of almost all the major disasters
>that have
>struck Furinkan in the last year and a half*, Noriko >thought 
>to herself.

Ifurita: Even though most people in Ranma 1/2 can fit things into smaller spaces that they shouldn't be able to fit into and they can pull things out of pocket dimensions with ease, I can't believe she has more than twenty photos in a *SINGLE* manila envelope.

Ami: No kidding. Even if they only took one picture per disaster, they would have filled six filing cabinets by now!

>The first photo showed a pig-tailed boy wearing Chinese
>clothes and
>another bandanna-clad boy locked in combat, causing a good-
>sized crater
>in the sidewalk. *That pig-tailed boy is...Ranma Saotome,
>right? And I
>don't think the other one goes to Furinkan.*

Ranma: Gee, only everyone in school can recognize me on sight, but she has to struggle with the name?  Yeesh, even that girl who forgets everyone's name can remember my name.

>	A photo of Ranma still in combat with the other boy,
>this time
>destroying a water fountain.

A-kun: When did this happen?  I remember the fight where you broke a drinking fountain, a few where you damaged or destroyed fire-hydrants, and an occasion where you fell in or slightly damaged a water fountain, but never destroyed one.

Ranma: Maybe he means the drinking fountains.

> The next series of photos were
>continuations
>of that fight, only there was something strange about
>Ranma... *Oh, yeah,
>he's got that strange curse of his that changes him into a
>girl
>sometimes.*

Ifurita: Yeesh, even Phoebe off of 'Friends' isn't THIS airheaded.

A-kun: This girl is the editor-in-chief and she can't remember something that is easily explained even by Tim Taylor off of 'Home Improvement'.

Ami: Hey, she has to look at all sorts of different information daily.

A-kun: Yes, but surely names, details and pictures that are constantly coming up SHOULD be a little more easily recalled.  And besides, I'm getting the feeling that she's just a supervisor.

> Another photo of a ramada being destroyed with
>Ranma clutching
>a girl in his (her?) arms. *Hmmm...Akane, right? The >captain of the
>softball team. And...his fiancee?*

A-kun: Finally!  Wait a minute!  How can she be the captain of the softball team when she never mentions it?

>	Another shot of Ranma in a battle pose as a girl, but
>his shirt
>was damaged in the fight, leaving certain areas of the body
>exposed. *I

Ifurita: Like the view?

>had to pay quite a pretty yen for this picture*, Noriko
>thought, recalling
>the transaction with a junior with short brown hair.

Ranma: This would explain why the paper is in danger.  She keeps wasting money paying NABIKI, of all people, for pictures.  It's a wonder the paper's lasted THIS long.

> *But it was such a
>good picture; it's a shame I couldn't use it for the
>article. Of course,
>back then, no one knew that she and Ranma were the same
>person.*

A-kun: Oh come on.  Almost everyone in the school learned that about two weeks.

Ami [Noriko]: Oh wait, this was from YESTERDAY!  That's why it seems so long ago!  Golly, I'm an air-headed twit that can't think or even recall a single name!

>	More pictures. A shot of Furinkan's rhythmic gymnastics
>team in
>bandages, the victims of a mugging.

A-kun: 'Mugging'?  A 'mugging'?  In Nerima?  That's it!  This lady is not only an idiot, but she can't even recall the names of important people, let alone people she works with everyday!  I proclaim Noriko 'Queen Airhead'!

Ami: But how'd she even get to be Editor-in-chief if she has a bad memory and an even worse judgement of situations?

Ranma: Plot device.

Ami: Yeesh, only a few stories in the Sailor Moon archives are lamer than this one.

> Another shot of Ranma in
>a leotard at
>St. Hebereke's arena fighting Kodachi Kuno, St. Hebereke's
>then-champion.
>*Ranma was involved in that one, too?* Another photo of an
>ice-skating
>competition at Kolkhoz High's rink, but the rink was in
>shambles, the ice
>having been completely shattered. *That skater...that's
>Ranma again!*  A
>post-game shot of the infirmary's wall being destroyed some
>Chinese girl
>(what was her name? Shellac? Shaving Cream?), apparently
>after Ranma as
>well. Another photo of that same Chinese girl (Shampoo, >that was it!)
>breaking down the cafeteria wall, this time to bring Ranma
>lunch.
>	A photo of the multi-purpose room being demolished by
>an enraged Ranma.
>What were all those cats doing there? Another photo of
>Shampoo breaking
>down a wall with her bicycle in the gym. Another one of
>Akane punting
>Ranma through the school roof. And another of Ranma
>"molesting" Ms.
>Hinako. And on and on and on, each photo somehow or another
>involving
>Ranma in the destruction.

Ranma: Guess I'm just lucky.

Ami: Say, when the picture of the cats was shown, why didn't you scream and run away?

Ranma: Oh come on.  If I scream every time I saw a picture or a statue of a cat, I'd be in a mental hospital already.  It has to either startle me or be a real live cat.

Ami: Ah.

>	Noriko put down the stack of photos. *So, Ranma, you're
>the cause of
>all this chaos at Furinkan, eh?

A-kun: It took you this long to make this assumption?!

> And you're the reason my paper might not
>survive until the next year.* She clenched her fist. >*Ranma, you'll pay for
>all that you've done to this school!*

Ranma: You're going to give me a million dollars for being in one of the most popular manga in the world and for making Furinkan High one of the most popular sights in the world, easily surpassing any other?

Ifurita: I believe she's planning to harm, injure, mutilate, mangle or kill you.

Ranma: Oh.

	[Ranma's face becomes dark and in his mind he memorizes her face and makes a mental note.]

>End part one


>That's it for now! *Please* send me some C&C,

Ranma [smiling evilly]: Heh heh.  Don't worry.  I plan to.

>or else I have no incentive
>to continue this story

	[The MAT 2K crew cheers.]

> (well, I'd probably finish it anyway, but I'll be
>sad). :P

All: AAAARRRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

> Anyway, send me comments about *anything*, even if
>it's just a
>simple "Your story sucks."

A-kun: Well, Ranma, looks like you can't send that e-mail like that.

Ranma: DAMN!

> My e-mail address is
>raphael@asu.edu. You can
>respond by private e-mail or post to this newsgroup; I have
>no
>preference. Thanks!
>
>---
>Raphael See

	[The MAT 2K leaves.]
	[Door 6: The vault door closes as you back out of the theater.]
	[Door 5: The graduates are currently in the bathrooms with hang-overs, so you just continue on.]
	[Door 4: Ifurita is not there, so you merely continue on, but you're a bit depressed as the shower curtain returns to where it was.]
	[Door 3: The water wall reforms as you pass it.]
	[Door 2: You walk through the revolving door and pick up your skis and put them on.]
	[Door 1: The dogs are still fighting over who'll return the stick to you, so you walk on.]
	[Dogbone.]
	[Cambot returns to where he was before he went to the theater.  Ifurita, Ranma, A-kun and Ami enter.]

A-kun: Overall, Raphael See, not bad.  Though you should remember that, if you decide to continue this, that when someone attempts to get revenge on anyone else, they can't do so without A) getting caught, B) having the plan dissolve, C) having the situation turn against them, or D) having someone who has a vendetta against them decide to get revenge on them.

Ranma: Yeah, and don't forget that if she tries to beat me up, I'm the god of Martial Arts compared to anyone save Akane, Pops, Happosai, Ms. Hinako, Cologne, Ukyo, Shampoo, Mousse and Ryoga.  I'm not sure how good Mr. Tendo is, and Ms. Hinako is more concerned with delinquents than me.

Ifurita: And me.

Ranma: I meant in Ranma 1/2.  Well, those are the only people I know of right now.  I'm sure I could think of a lot of people when I sit down and make a list.

Ami: I believe Noriko's plan will fail.  After all, in Ranma 1/2, when someone has a vendetta or grudge or engagement to Ranma, they will get only so far before they fail.  It's been the standard pattern.

A-kun: And don't forget, Raphael, that the few people who extract their vengence successfully against Ranma usually have the plan backfire in the end.  Just look at the Animated Ranma 1/2.  Hundreds of little plans and plots, a good deal of which were lame or should have been easily undone, all fail in the end.  Whether or not it was realistic or not didn't matter, the fact is, Ranma is the living tribute to the old saying by Hugo : Brute force, clumsiness, ignorance, and superstition will always truimph over science, skill, knowledge, and logic.

Ranma: Wow.  That was one HECK of a paragraph.

Ami: Hugo was a smart man.

Ifurita: Yes, he also said: "Keep your eye on the ball, your shoulder to the wheel, your ear to the ground.  Now, try and work in that position.", "DO IT TOMORROW-you've made enough mistakes today.", "Bulls and bears make money, but pigs lose their shirts.", "Old chemists never die; they just fail to react." and the infamous "If you can't be right-at least be careful."

Ranma: Wow.

A-kun: Stop saying 'Wow' or I'll have to rip off another author and anvil you.  What do you think, sirs?

[DP4]

Dr. Matheus: Interesting. I'll have to make your next fanfic WORSE!  BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!  Push the button, Danny!

Danny: Yes, Dr. Matheus.



\|/
--- FWHOOOOOO-CLUNKRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII-TINKPOPPLE
/|\



Ranma 1/2 is the property of so many people I'm not going to bother.

Sailor Moon is the property of so many people...

El Hazard...ditto.

MST 3K RULES!  Oh, and the other junk applies.

Remember that this is only another version of C&Cing.  No *REAL* insult is intended.

Special thanks to the authors of the first amendment so I can't be sued. 


- Suzuki waved a sheaf of paper. -

SEE YA!!!

    Source: geocities.com/tokyo/island/3968/MST

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