[The Living Room of Viewing.  Four really comfy reclining chairs sit in front of a massive monitor.  The chairs are occupied by A-kun, Gillberg, Yuffie Kisaragi and ?????, in that order.]

	[Quick Introduction: Yuffie Kisaragi is a ninja from Final Fantasy 7 who uses throwing weapons, but is not afraid to get in close and brutal if necessary.  She's a very open character who loves Materia (a stone used to channel magical energies).  Most people vary from hating her to loving her, but she's spunky and we just gotta love her.  For more information on her and Final Fantasy 7, go to Anipike at http://www.anipike.com/ and visit the Games section.]
	[Quick Introduction #2: Gillberg is a tentacle beast turned priest turned Arch-demon.  He's currently on lease for anyone to hire on and is a relatively nice guy for being a creature of Hell.  A-kun is a fanfiction author.  ????? is also a fanfiction author and is known for having purple hair.]

A-kun: Greetings and welcome to another MST by me and my friends, ????? and Gillberg.

?????: And our spunky commentator, Yuffie Kisaragi.

A-kun: This is one of the few fanfics that ????? and I actually DID read before we decided to
MST it, so we understand what we're getting into.

Yuffie: And I'm here to help get some inside looks about the characters of one of THE hottest
games of 1996 to 1998 in the U.S.

Gillberg: And I'm a new permenant MSTer.

A-kun: You with me?

?????, Yuffie and Gillberg: YEAH!

>	FINAL FANTASY: THE QUEST FOR AERIS
>	by  PJ
>	--- 

A-kun: That's right, folks.  E-mail this guy with your thoughts on the fanfic.

>
>	The hot desert wind washed across Tifa Lockheart as she marched resolutely towards the
>looming steppe. She held the right hand of Marlene Wallace tightly, keeping the little girl
>upright and moving forward. The sun slowly descended into the western horizon, but the wind
>was still as strong as ever, doing its best to discourage Tifa from her goal. The buxom young
>woman hugged her gray cloak closer to her body, bending herself down to keep the hood upon her
>head. The wind blew across her back, flapping the edges of her cloak as she reached the foot
>of the immense step. Tifa began the climb up the gentle slope of the steppe just as the sun
>disappeared in a blaze of red-purple light.

Gillberg: *POOF* It's gone forever.

?????: AAAAAH! It's using an Enemy-Skill attack!

TharzZzDunN: DUUUUUUDE!  Dude?!  Dude?  Dude.  DUuuUUUuuuuUUudde? *CLICK-CHICK* DuuUUdde?
Dude?  Duuuuuuuuuude.  Dude.

> Marlene watched the sunset with wonder, until Tifa tugged her forward. 
>	Night was fully upon them when the two girls eventually reached the summit of the steppe.
>They stumbled up the last few steps to the entry arch, where they halted to catch their
>breath. 
>	"Halt! Who goes there?" asked a young man with a stout spear. 

A-kun: Which would be utterly useless in a fight with most monsters in the FF7 world.

Yuffie: Actually, some of the guards that I talked to were veterans of six wars with the Gi
Tribe.  They could've given the Turks a run for their money.

>	"My name is Tifa Lockheart, and this is Marlene. I'm here to see Nanaki." 
>	"Tifa Lockheart? One of the Heroes? I must alert the elders at once! Please wait here a
>moment!" shouted the boy before he sprinted back into the village. 

?????: [the boy] Watch as I ignore what you've said and go to get a party together while you
die of thirst and hunger!

>	"Tifa, I'm hungry and thirsty," murmured Marlene through cracked lips. 
>	"I know, honey. So am I." 
>	Tifa continued to hold Marlene's hand until the young guard returned with an elder of
>Cosmo Canyon. 
>	"Please forgive the delay. I offer you the hospitality of Cosmo Canyon," said the old man
>with a beckoning wave of his hand. 

A-kun: [to PJ] They don't need an Elder to allow someone in.  They just need to know Nanaki.

>	"Is Nanaki here?" inquired Tifa, with Marlene close behind her. 
>	"Oh, yes. He's patrolling outside of town right now. He always checks the perimeter of
>Cosmo Canyon at dusk. He should be back soon." 
>	"Is there somewhere with food and drink, we've been traveling quite a while." 
>	"Of course, Miss Lockheart. We have several excellent taverns, I shall treat you to a
>fine meal myself." 

All: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEHHH!  WRONG!

Yuffie: They have ONE tavern because there's only room for one.

>	"Thank you, elder," nodded Tifa gratefully. 
>	The small group entered one of the first level eateries, where Tifa and Marlene gorged on
>roast chicken, corn, and freshly baked bread. They drank sweet wine and devoured several rich
>pastries for dessert. Marlene sighed contentedly, sitting back in her chair with a pretty
>smile. Tifa sipped from a mug of wine, listening to the elder's tales of life in Cosmo Canyon
>after the fall and destruction of Meteor. 
>	"Someone is looking for me?" growled a deep feline voice from the doorway of the tavern. 

Gillberg: I was always under the impression that he sounded like a deep-throated man.

Yuffie: He does.  It's just that once you hear his voice, it's hard to confuse it with anyone
else's.

>	"Nanaki!" exclaimed Tifa happily, jumping from her chair to rush forward and hug the
>large, red furred cat. 
>	"Tifa," purred Nanaki, rubbing the area between her neck and shoulder with his warm
>muzzle. Marlene rushed to Nanaki's other side, hugging his neck with her small arms. 
>	"It's so good to see you again," whispered Tifa into Nanaki's ear. 

Gillberg: WHOA!  Wait a minute!

Yuffie: [O_O] NONONONONONONO!  No!  Nanaki was a gentlemen and I won't let you stain his good name!

?????: Though it DOES make one wonder.  Who sired the future generations of Nanaki's people,
like the three you see at the end?

A-kun: I hope you're happy.  You just ruined the game for everyone.

?????: Oh, come on, like anyone who has yet to finish the game is going to know what those
three were doing.  If anything, they'll think perverted thoughts of mating rituals.

>	"Where's Cloud?" 
>	"He's…gone," murmured Tifa before she broke away from Nanaki, her eyes sorrowful and
>downcast. 

A-kun: Damn.  Wonder what took him down.

>	"While I'm honored by your visit, I don't think you came all this way just to say hello." 
>	"No, I didn't. Something's happening, something strange, and I think Aeris is involved." 

?????: That's AERITH.

A-kun: Hey, it was originally Japanese and we all know that no one can agree on the American
spelling of ANYTHING Japanese.

>	"Aeris? That can't be, she's dead," replied Nanaki with a shake of his mane. 

Yuffie: And to my knowledge, she's staying that way.

>	"After the planet destroyed Meteor, there was a massive deposit of Mako energy around
>Midgar. Plant life began to grow at a phenomenal rate, births increased, it was a burst of
>fertility, an explosion of life. Cloud seemed to feel the massive pool of Mako around us, it
>made him stronger…more virile," hesitated Tifa with a deep blush. 

?????: [Tifa] ME-YOW!

>	"Go on," encouraged Nanaki with a toothy grin. 

A-kun: [Nanaki] Huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh!  Did you do it?

Gillberg: [Tifa] Yeah, I scored!  It was KICK-ASS!

>	"As the vegetation around Midgar continued to blossom, Cloud disappeared for long periods
>of time. At first I thought he was helping the city militia clear the area of stray monsters,
>but then I found him in a deserted church, watching two small children tend a wild indoor
>garden. Cloud didn't respond when I called him and he seemed to be in a strange trance. He
>finally woke up, then pushed me away and stomped out. For a second, at the edge of my vision,
>I thought I saw a transparent image of Aeris, kneeling next to the border of the garden.

Yuffie: No way.  Aeris talked to us all one last time before she rejoined with the planet.  She
told us that while her knowledge formed the Holy Materia, it was time for her to rest for a
while.

A-kun: Ah, but the game never says that.

> I followed Cloud back home, where he said he had to go somewhere. I asked him where, but he
>wouldn't say, he just grabbed Ultima Weapon and left. I waited for days, then finally I found
>Barret

Yuffie: That's Barrett.

> and told him what happened. He left Marlene with me while he went looking for Cloud. Neither
>one of them ever came back. I didn't know what else to do. So I came here. I hope you can help
>me find them." 
>	"You're right, this is strange," replied Nanaki while he sat on the floor, twitching his
>tail idly in thought. "I've modified the Planetarium to scan the planet for anomalies,

Yuffie: Yeah, that's a crock of shi-ut if I ever heard one.  Like Nanaki has the technical
engineering capabilities of Cid.

> I'll use it to look for Cloud in the morning. Cloud has a unique Mako signature since he's
>the only SOLDIER left on the planet.

Yuffie: Actually, all of the First Class SOLDIERs and only about a quarter of the Second Class
SOLDIERs left for the Reunion.  The Third and the rest of the Second Class SOLDIERs just got
really aggravated and spent hours slapping their ears as if there was a bug flying around it.

?????: How do you know?

Yuffie: Remember in the game when I was disguised as a reporter?  That was the story I was
reporting.

> Don't worry, Tifa, I'll find him and Barret." 
>	"Yay, Nanaki!" clapped Marlene happily. 
>	"Thank you, Nanaki. I knew you could help us," smiled Tifa before she leaned down to kiss
>the big cat on the forehead. 

	[Yuffie takes a deep breath, presses her mouth against her right arm and blows.]

?????: [snickering] Ah, Zerberts.  Amusement galore.

>	Nanaki stammered in embarrassment then offered to show Tifa and Marlene to their
>temporary quarters. Tifa and Marlene walked on either side of the red feline, keeping up with
>his quick pace until they reached the observatory at the top of Cosmo Canyon. Nanaki settled
>Marlene into bed, then showed Tifa to her room. 

?????: Ifyaknowwhathemeans...

A-kun: [Nanaki] There's the bathroom.  There's the pillows.  There's the lamp.  There's the
hidden camera acting like an alarm clock that'll record any "extra-curricular" activities you
might perform... D'OH!

>	"Rest well, Tifa. I think that we shall have to find some of the others before we begin
>our search for Cloud. He and Aeris are tied closely to Mako, and Mako is the lifeblood of the
>planet. If something strange is happening, it must be very serious." 
>	"You're right, Nanaki. I think Vincent is in Nibelheim. I heard rumors that he returned
>to his home in Shinra Mansion." 

Yuffie: Well, that's true.  He spruced the place up, though.  Cleaned out the monsters and
such.  Put up pretty curtains, got together with the other ladies for a game of bridge and
weekly quilting...

>	"Then once I discover where Cloud is, we shall go collect Vincent," nodded Nanaki. 

A-kun: You know, I heard a rumor that if you collect 16 1/16 scale Soldiers, you can get a copy
of Sephiroth in your party.  Don't know if it's true, because you have to get at least 3000
points on the Roller Coaster/Blaster Game ride.  And the closest I ever got was one time I got 2990 points.

>	"Good night, Nanaki," murmured Tifa before she kissed him again on the forehead. 
>	She rubbed her nose in the big cat's thick, musky fur, then broke away when she felt a
>stirring in her sex. It had been a long time since Cloud had vanished and her body yearned for
>attention. 
>	"Tifa," growled Nanaki as he nuzzled beneath her short black leather skirt, licking her
>pussy through her thin white panties. 

TharzZzDunN: It's "Tifa's Usual Morning"!  Brought to you by the Cheverolet Coalition.

Yuffie: [O_O] *THUD*

?????: ...........

A-kun: I... suppose it's technically not anymore disgusting than watching Tenchi and Ryoko get
it on as Nanaki ISN'T technically an animal, so it's not TECHNICALLY Beastiality... [shudders]

Gillberg: Stop makin' excuses.  We're seeing beastiality.

?????: Let's snip this, please.

A-kun: Fine.

	

Gillberg: Nanaki should market his own kind of wax called "Babe-Wax".  He "Polished-off" Tifa
rather well.

	[Yuffie recovers]

>	***

A-kun: Uh-oh.

?????: What?

A-kun: It's Orion's Belt.

?????: Yeah so?

A-kun: Don't you see?  Without his Belt, Orion's pants are going to fall down.  [Fozzy Bear]
WAHKKA-WAHKKA-WAHKKA-WAHKKA-WAHKKA!

	*WHACKAWHACKAWHACKAWHACKAWHACKAWHACK!* *THUD*

A-kun: Ooowwww..

>
>	Tifa slept soundly that night, but awoke when Nanaki padded into her room. He gave her a
>toothy grin, then waited as she washed her face in a water basin. She tugged her shirt back on
>and flattened her leather skirt with her hands. Tifa followed Nanaki into the dining area,
>where a local woman had brought breakfast for Nanaki and his guests. Marlene sat perched on
>the edge of a dining chair, devouring a pile of scrambled eggs, sausage, and warm sliced bread
>covered in honey.

Yuffie: That's one thing I loved about Cosmo Canyon.  Terrific food.

> Tifa sat opposite Marlene, wished the girl good morning, then took a long drink from a glass
>of milk. Nanaki jumped onto a chair between Tifa and Marlene, then lowered his face down to
>chew on some sliced ham and toast with jam. 

Gillberg: [Nanaki] Thank god I'm not a horse.

Yuffie: [Tifa] Why's that?

Gillberg: [Nanaki] You can lead me to water and I WILL drink.

TharzZzDunN: [Nanaki] And I also don't have to piss all the time.

	*WHAP*

>	"Did you find Cloud?" asked Tifa before she raised a fork laden with eggs. 
>	"Yes, Tifa. I'm afraid he's in the City of the Ancients." 
>	"Why would he be there?" 
>	"I detected another Mako signature, it could be Aeris." 
>	"How could she come back from the dead?" 
>	"With enough Mako energy, anything is possible." 

A-kun: Except making this into a good story.

?????: Hey, it's lightyears above "Ami-chan" or "Chibi-Usa's Seventh Birth Day".

A-kun: [belching and on the verge of puking] Don't remind me.

>	Tifa sighed, then ate quietly while Marlene regarded both adults with her wide eyes. 

Yuffie: What happened to her normal ones?

Gillberg: Maybe she's growing new ones?  How should I know?

>	"Did you see Papa?" 
>	"I'm sorry, Marlene, I can only detect Mako entities with my equipment.

A-kun: Um, Mako refers to all life on the planet.  We just see it in it's unused form when it's
a liquid.

Gillberg: So, if Nanaki can't sense Barrett, he's-

?????: Dogmeat.

TharzZzDunN: [Nanaki] He's wearing a tinfoil hat.  [Barrett] They're controlling my mind with subliminal messages.  I haven't bathed in weeks.  I like Beanie Barbies.  Bill Gates is okay.  Wise Man sae only fools lunchin' but I can't help fallen in luv' wit' chu'!

> I'm sure that if Cloud made it there okay, your father did too." 

?????: Yeah, what a sword can hurt, a vulcan cannon can hurt too.

>	"Can we go get Papa now, Tifa?" 
>	"We will soon, honey. Uncle Nanaki and I have to go get some of our other friends first.
>Nanaki, can Marlene stay here until we get Cloud and Barret back?" 

Yuffie: Two "t"s in Barrett's name.

TharzZzDunN: Maybe he meant "Beret".  It's so fashionable this time of year.  NOOOOOO! NONO!
EVIL EVIL STICK!

>	"Of course, Tifa. I'll instruct the elders to care for her." 

A-kun: [Tifa] Why do I suddenly get the mental image of Beavis and Butthead laughing their
asses off?

>	"I want to go with you! I want to see Papa!" argued Marlene. 
>	"You will soon. Just be patient for a little while longer." 
>	Marlene scowled, then stuffed her face with more eggs. 

?????: [Marlene] Ffufmmm, fmum fm mfffm fffm mmm ffmmffm.

Gillberg: [Nanaki] That's quite a mouth you've got there, Marlene.  Don't make me use the Spank
Materia...

Yuffie: [Tifa] ...or make me use the Soap Materia.

>	Nanaki smiled sympathetically at Marlene, then turned to regard Tifa with his bright
>eyes. 
>	"Do you want to head for Nibelheim today? To get Vincent?" 

Yuffie: [singing] Oh, Vincent.  You came and you found me a lemon...

Gillberg: How much you wanna bet Vincent gets some with Tifa?

?????: Ten thousand gil says he accidentally changes into a monster.

Yuffie: A hundred thousand says he does it intentionally.

A-kun: A hundred thousand gil says he gets rough as a monster.

>	"Yes. We should go at once." 
>	"Finish your breakfast, Marlene. Someone will be here to show you around the village
>soon. You can pick out a few things that you want from any shop in Cosmo Canyon," offered
>Nanaki as he hopped down from his chair. 
>	"Really? Thanks, Nanaki!" smiled Marlene before she bent down from her chair to hug the
>big cat. 

Yuffie: [Marlene] MINE! MINE!  ALL THE MATERIA IS _MINE_!  WAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAA!

A-kun: [Marlene] Time to freeze the toilets with an Ice Materia!

?????: [Marlene] Let's see how a Manipulate Materia affects the mold in the bathrooms!

Gillberg: [Marlene] Come on, Time Materia, make me into a teenager, so I can drink till dawn,
swipe BMWs and moon all of Cosmo Canyon!

>	Tifa grinned at Nanaki's generosity, then followed the cat as he went outside. The duo
>descended down to the first level of Cosmo Canyon and made their way to the entry arch. The
>young guard stood at attention briskly when he noticed Nanaki approaching. Nanaki nodded a 
>greeting, then began climbing down the long staircase to the desert below. Tifa adjusted her 
>long cloak, raising the hood to cover her head.

Yuffie: [Tifa] I'm Bat-Girl!

> She walked down the steep staircase after 
>Nanaki, then stopped next to him at the foot of the steppe. 

TharzZzDunN: [Tifa] Let's make this quick, Nanaki.  I've got a date with Melissa Etheridge.

>	"It will be faster if you climb onto my back, that way I can run across the desert." 

Yuffie: [confused] What desert?  There are no f**king deserts in my world, save around the Gold Saucer and the occasional patch of desert on random islands.  And unless Red XIII is running the wrong way, they shouldn't come across a desert.

A-kun: Actually, I think Nanaki is going to get off with Tifa's... hot... sexy... body... pressing against him.... [starts drooling and grinning like an idiot.  ????? and Gillberg copy him.  Yuffie just shrugs as she doesn't get the appeal.]

>	"Alright," replied Tifa warily before she slowly climbed onto the large cat's back. She 
>wrapped her legs around his flanks, then entwined her fingers within Nanaki's thick mane. 
>	"Ready?" 
>	"Yes." 
>	Nanaki sprinted forward,

Yuffie: [Tifa] Wait, I've gottaaaaAAAAAH! *THUD*

> almost flying over the red sands as he raced north, in the direction of Nibelheim. 
>
>	====
>								(II)

A-kun: Ah, we're on the second level of Hell.

?????: Sure hope we don't hit the ninth level.

Gillberg: Yeah, those guys double-park and spit chewing gum on the ground.  And you can only find demons that work for Disney, Wal-mart or Barney.

?????: Where are Otaku?

Gillberg: On the tenth level.

A-kun: I thought there wasn't a tenth level to Hell.

Gillberg: Before Otaku came around, there wasn't.

>	 Nanaki ran across the green plain, Tifa holding tightly to his red mane.

A-kun: *RIIIIIP* [Nanaki] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!

> The duo glanced at the Nibel Mountains as they closed in around them, guiding them to the 
>town of Nibelheim that lay at the range's feet. Dark clouds slid over the mountains' summits, 
>casting a black shadow over the valley. Tifa clasped her cloak around her body, warding 
>herself from the chilling winds that blew from the north. The duo reached the edge of town, 
>Nanaki slowing his pace to a walk, allowing them both to examine the quiet settlement. Thunder 
>rumbled

A-kun: A shot rang out!

Gillberg: The maid screamed!

?????: Lightning flashed!

Yuffie: And a pirate ship appeared on the horizon...

TharzZzDunN: Where do I go to get my refund?

> from the mountains as Nanaki walked down a cobbled street, the buildings on either 
>side of him dark and falling into decay.

?????: [Building] WHOOoOoOOooOAAAAAA-*THWUD*!

> Tifa watched the passing shops and homes with regret, 
>she remembered how alive her hometown had once been. 

TharzZzDunN: [Tifa] Now it's like everyone's a dead Sephiroth clone and their rotting corpses
are stacked up like firewood.  Hmmmm.... hey, Nanaki, got any marshmallows left? [singing]
Marshmallows roasting over a pile of dead rotting roasting Sephiroth clones.... Santa's picking
at his nose, many times many ways...

A-kun: Now, it's just like Euro-Disney.

>	"Do you want to stop by your old house?" 

Gillberg: [Tifa] Sure, I need to pick up my vibrator collection.

>	"No, let's just get Vincent and go." 
>	Nanaki followed the streets northeast until they found the fence that protected the
>Shinra Mansion grounds.

Yuffie: I see ten things wrong with that second sentence.  First, the streets?  More like the
cobblestone court.  Second, Nanaki can't follow non-existant streets.  Three, Nanaki doesn't
need to follow non-existant streets.  Four, Nanaki knows where it is.  Five, Shinra Mansion
isn't FOUND.  It's there.  Six, the fence couldn't stop anything, save idiots.  Seven, it's to
the north.  Then again, they DID distort that town a lot in the game.  Eight, there wasn't much
ground for the fence to protect.  Nine, uh.... you suck.  Ten, you uuuh, suck some more.  Yeah,
that's it. Oh, oh ohohohohoh.  You uuuh, suck butt.

> Tifa dismounted from Nanaki's back, then made sure her Premium Heart gauntlet was secure upon
>her right hand. 

Gillberg: It's not a frickin' gauntlet.  It's a fighting glove.  And she wouldn't have to check
to make sure it was secure.  You make it sound like a charm bracelet is attached to the
outside.

>	"Stay here, Nanaki. It'll be better if I go to see Vincent alone." 

Gillberg: [Tifa] Yeah, I wanna get raped by a sociopathic vampire! *WHAP*

Yuffie: Vincent isn't THAT bad.

A-kun: Oh?  Have you seen this particular pic?  I found it in my dear sister's collection.

Yuffie: [O_O] ME AND VINCENT?! *THUD*

?????: You got that from A-chan?

A-kun: Yeah.  She wasn't sure if Yuffie was crying in Vincent's lap or giving him a blowjob.
[A-kun suddenly turned red at the fact that he said that so blantantly in front of the camera.]

Gillberg: You'll get over it.  Besides, you should hear those perverts from La Blue Girl and
Urutsukidoji.  Those guys can barely stop talking about their own dicks to listen to the jeers
of other monsters.

A-kun: Can you tell me something that WON'T make me wanna puke?

Gillberg: [thinks for a bit, the announces] I got to punch Nakago once.

?????: Really?

Gillberg: Yeah, it's partly a dare, partly a drunken game of punch each other in the gut after
chugging two gallons of beer.  One hit and Nakago went down.

>	"Are you sure, Tifa? There could be some left over monsters living in the mansion." 

?????: I would've thought that Vincent would clean them out once he returned.  You know, so he
wouldn't be disturbed.

>	"If there are, I can take care of them." 
>	Tifa straightened her back, thrust out her large breasts,

?????: And that was supposed to do....

A-kun: ?????, don't rain on the fanservice.

	[Yuffie recovers once again.]

> then kicked open the fence gate.

Yuffie: And promptly knocked it over.  She tripped on it, went flying into the pine trees, got
up only to step on a rake and crack herself in the nose causing her to go stumbling backwards.
She slipped, her flailing right hand accidentally turning on the sprinklers as she whacked her
head on a rock, knocking her out cold.

Gillberg: [Nanaki] What a performance!  I should've brought my video camera!

> She walked down the cobble path to the mansion's main entrance, then carefully went inside.
>Thunder shook the mansion's walls while lightning eerily illuminated the house's dark
>interior.

	[????? hands out flash-lights to everyone.  They all position them under their heads and
flick them on and off in time with the lightning while laughing maniacally.]

> Tifa clasped her right hand into a fist, then walked quietly to the main staircase.

A-kun, ????? and Yuffie: [O_o] uuhhh...

Yuffie: "Securing" the Premium Heart is the same as clenching her hand.

Gillberg: [^^^_^^^] So strikes the Department of Redundancy Department which has struck again.

> Rain began to fall onto the mansion's roof, the noise echoing in the building's wide empty
>interior. Tifa went up the stairs, walked right, passed through one room, then entered another
>with a rounded bookshelf.

?????: A ROUNDED bookshelf.  What, was the carpenter a spaz when it came to getting rid of
corners?

A-kun: Do you think the viewers would mind if we started skipping to the action and ignored the
prose?  The prose is good, it's just the rest of the fic that we've got a problem with.

All: Hmmmmmm.....

?????: Naw, then we'd have to review the sex.

> She activated the secret door built within the shelf, then descended a long, spiraling
>staircase. The young woman reached the foot of the staircase and proceeded down a roughly hewn
>rock tunnel that was lit with dim purple light. The air was very warm, making Tifa's skin
>perspire after only a few minutes of walking. Her white shirt clung to her ripe tits, whose
>nipples poked against the thin fabric

	[A-kun and ????? start forcing coughs and adjusting their shirts.  Gillberg starts
grinning.  Yuffie still doesn't understand the appeal and ignores it as something she won't
understand until later in life.]

> as she made her way to the entrance of Vincent's chamber. 
>	Suddenly, a flurry of high-pitched squeals assaulted Tifa's ears. She pressed her hands
>against the sides of her head, then gasped as she saw a flock of black bats swirling towards
>her.

Yuffie: So?  We all can take those, with or without materia.  After Sephiroth and Jenova, these
things are pathetic.

A-kun: Maybe he played when they were actually a force to be contended with.  In which case,
I'll have to do my infamous lecture on how to successfully navigate an RPG.

> Tifa crouched into a combat stance and punched out with her Premium Heart. The gauntlet
>splattered the first bat to bits, then ripped deeply into two others. The injured bats
>screamed in pain, which only made the surviving bats even more enraged.

Yuffie: Bats.

Gillberg: Yes.

Yuffie: Enraged.

Gillberg: Yes.

Yuffie: Just doesn't work, does it?

Gillberg: Nope.

> Black wings slapped against Tifa's face,

TharzZzDunN: [Bat #1] YOU'RE THE WORST PARTY CLOWN WE'VE EVER HAD!  TAKE THIS!  AND THIS!  AND
THIS!  AND THIS!  AND THIS!

A-kun: [Bat #2] Whooo!  Take it off baby!

?????: [Bat #3] Hey, do you know Sandy at the Honey Bee?  Could you introduce us?

Gillberg: [Bat #4] I can see everything from here!

Yuffie: [Bat #5] Where am I?  Who is this?!  WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON?!!?

TharzZzDunN: [Bat #6] Am I too late to be on Springer's show?  Wow!  You must be one of those
strippers who love their pets!

A-kun: [Bat #7] Bow before my power!  For I am the great Sephiroth reborn!

?????: [Bat #8] Must be jelly 'cause jam don't shake like that!

Gillberg: [Bat #9] UH!  UH!  UH!  UH!  OH YEAH, BABY!  SO GOOD!  SO GOOD!  I'M SHAGGIN' HER
ROTTEN!

Yuffie: [Tifa] ACK! GET IT OFF MY LEG!!!

> forcing her to raise her arms in defense. Sharp fangs and wing claws bit into her shirt,
>creating several shallow cuts on her breasts and stomach.

A-kun: Obviously this guy is using the game as more of a guide for combat.  PJ, in real life,
people tend to flail or punch wildly.  Martial Artists, like Tifa, could no doubt annihilate
most of the monsters in this house.

> More bats attacked her bare legs, ripping painfully into her flesh, then drinking deeply from
>her veins. 

Yuffie: PFFT!  Yeah right.  One Beat Rush, Dolphin Blow or Final Heaven and these things would
be gone in a second.

>	Tifa felt her strength draining away as she swung out with both of her fists, slaying
>many more bats; but their comrades flapped forward, eager to feast on her hot lifeblood.

A-kun: Now for today's lesson on bats.  Bats use sonic waves to fly and find food.  While
vampire bats do attack humans occasionally, they prefer rats and insects and rarely actually
want to challenge something larger than themselves.  Unlike sharks, they rely on sense of smell
very rarely.  And they use their sight not at all, as opposed to what you've no doubt seen in
Disney movies and such.

> A particularly large bat crashed into Tifa's chest, making her flail her arms helplessly for
>balance before she fell backwards with a jaw vibrating impact. She lay stunned on the cold
>stone while bats dived down upon her, digging their claws into her smooth skin, fastening
>themselves to her so they could bury their fangs inside her, gorging on her rich fluids.

?????: That must be the WEIRDEST image I've ever seen.  Senile old bats with shovels dropping
their teeth into random holes, hoping teeth-trees will grow while other bats either go on a
rollercoaster or rape Tifa.

> Tifa attempted vainly to rise, then fell back, her strength gone, and her arms and legs limp
>from blood loss. The large bat landed on her collarbone and struck out with his fangs, biting
>deeply into her throat, sucking loudly on her blood. 

	[All making slurping noises.  Gillberg and A-kun provide occasional belches.]

>	The roar of a rifle echoed down the passageway as Vincent shot the large bat dead center,
>making it explode from the impact.

?????: WAAAAH!  VINCENT KILLED TIFA!

Gillberg: No, he just nailed the large bat.  His Aura of Smooth allowed him to pull the shot
off without hurting Tifa.

Yuffie: But the Death Penalty isn't used for sniper hits, it's made to take out large tanks and
monsters!

> Bat ichor splattered across Tifa's slack face before Vincent fired off a series of rounds,
>each bullet killing a feeding bat. The remaining members of the flock flapped away in a panic,
>getting extra encouragement to flee from several more loud blasts of Vincent's rifle, Death
>Penalty. The red cloaked man walked over to Tifa's prone form, then bent down to pick the girl
>up. He gently carried her to his chamber, lying her inside one of the shattered coffins that
>lined the room's walls. Vincent removed Tifa's green Restore materia from her gauntlet and
>fastened it to one of his arm braces.

Gillberg: [Ooo_ooO] What's he doing?

Yuffie: Apparently, the author is relying on the game a little heavily.

> He placed his hand over the woman's heart, then concentrated, commanding the materia's magic
>to activate. A green glow surrounded Tifa's body, sealing all of the bats' bite marks and
>replenishing her depleted blood supply. Tifa took a deep breath, then slowly opened her eyes,
>gazing up at Vincent in confusion. 

A-kun: [Tifa] Hey, you aren't Bill, Billy, Mack or Buddy!

?????: [hitting A-kun] Stop quoting from Sheryl Crow songs!

>	"The bats?" 
>	"Gone. I took care of them." 

TharzZzDunN: [Vincent] I sent them out to see the remake of "Vampire Bats from Beyond the
Moon".

>	"Thank you, Vincent. I came to see you." 
>	Vincent didn't reply, he removed the Restore materia from his bracer, then handed it back
>to Tifa. She replaced the green orb on her Premium Heart and tentatively climbed out of the
>coffin. Vincent backed away several feet, regarding Tifa with his cold eyes. 

Yuffie: No, Vincent's the sort to hover menacingly or slink off into a corner.

>	"Cloud and Barret have disappeared. I went to Nanaki for help, he told me that both of
>them are in the City of the Ancients." 

Gillberg: Yeah, but he couldn't sense Barrett.  Barret, Barrett's little brother, however, was
easily senseable.

>	"Why did they go there?" 

A-kun: Has anyone really taken into account the fact that Cloud might still be mourning?  I
mean, everything in the game happened so fast, it's not like they had the chance to really
accept the fact that Aerith was dead.

Yuffie: [crying on Gillberg's shoulder] WAAAAAAAH!  AERITH-SAN IS DEAD!! WAAAAAAAAAAH!

Gillberg: Could someone help?  Tentacle monsters aren't known for their huggability.

?????: Give her to A-kun.  Not only is he our group leader, but he's soft and huggable too!

A-kun: Why do I get the feeling I should at least whap you upside the head for that?

	[Takes Yuffie and leaves the theater for a bit.]

>	"Cloud went looking for Aeris, I think. Barret went after Cloud to bring him back to
>Midgar." 
>	"What do you want with me?" 
>	"I need your help. I need you to come with me and Nanaki to help rescue Cloud." 
>	"Perhaps he doesn't want rescuing. I observed that Cloud and Aeris were quite close
>during our past quest." 

?????: [Tifa] Vincent, Aerith is dead.

Gillberg: [Vincent] Didn't stop me from having sex with her and it won't stop Cloud.

?????: EEEEEEWW!  GILL!

>	"Things are different now. He needs me." 
>	"So you say. Why should I help you?" 

Gillberg: [Tifa] 'Cause Cloud's become a raving loon who's trying to have sex with a dead woman
no matter what the cost.  Come on, you should be able to relate.

?????: Oooh, that was a cheap shot, Gill.

	[Yuffie and A-kun re-enter.  Yuffie's smiling brightly, despite some sniffling.]

Yuffie: Thanks A-kun.

A-kun: No problem.

>	"What do you want?" asked Tifa with a frown. "Do you want money…materia?" 
>	"No. I want love, for one night." 

Gillberg: Maybe we should rename this fanfic Indecent Proposal 7, the Final Fantasy Saga!

A-kun: Naw, more classical.  Tifa does AVALANCHE.

?????: How about Tifa and the Seven Perverts?

Yuffie: No, no.  Use something that's been run over a thousand times.  Tifa Raider.

TharzZzDunN: Desperately Spanking Tifa.

A-kun: Tifa, the Erotic Journeys.

Gillberg: Ali Tifa and the Forty Horny Weirdos.

TharzZzDunN: Beach Blanket Tifa.

?????: Tifa: Warrior Sex-Doll.

Yuffie: In and Out of Tifa for Eighty Days!

	[Everyone stares at her.]

Yuffie: What?!  That's virtually what's happening!

	[Everyone decides that Yuffie's right.]

>	"What? You're kidding!" 
>	"I am not." 
>	Tifa gazed down at the floor, noticing that her shirt was heavily torn, exposing more of
>her belly and chest than she was comfortable with. She blushed and glanced up at Vincent, then
>looked away when she saw he was staring at her in deep concentration. 
>	"Okay," whispered Tifa softly, hardly believing what she had just said. 
>	"Excellent," hissed Vincent just before he shuddered violently. 

A-kun; [Vincent, clutching stomach] Uh, better make that a raincheck.  Mental Note to Self -
making burritos and eating them fifteen years later isn't a good idea.

>	Tifa backed up against the rock wall of Vincent's chamber as he doubled over in pain, his
>clothing ripping loudly. Vincent began to grow, his skin turning into a deep purple while his
>handsome features contorted and changed. The man became seven…eight…nine feet tall, his arms
>and legs bulged with purple muscles, and wide red wings sprouted and spread apart from his
>large back. 
>	"Chaos," murmured Tifa, her eyes wide with fear. 
>	"Tasty sweet meat," growled Vincent/Chaos before he lunged forward, claws grasping. 

Yuffie: Ugh.  Can we skip the violent sex scene?

A-kun: Not really.  We gotta make some riffs.  Um, okay, here's an idea.  [A-kun blindfolds
Yuffie and puts a card in front of the camera.]  There.  We'll describe what's going on.  Be
warned, we're going to get graphic.

?????: Chaos just slammed Tifa through a coffin's side.  That's gotta hurt.

A-kun: Now he's sniffing her crotch.  BAD CHAOS!  DON'T GO ON THE CARPET!  .... Man, I hate it
when I unintentionally make a bad pun.

Gillberg: Now he's licking her and she's moaning.  It's gotta be a law.  Woman getting forced
into something always enjoy it.

?????: Oooow!  He's trying to crush her boobs.  She should knee him in the gonads for that!

A-kun: She should knee PJ in the gonads for writing this.

Gillberg: Standard blowjob scene.

?????: Now he's sitting on his ass.  Just like a man.  Making the woman do all the work.

A-kun and Gillberg: HEY!

A-kun: Standard guy sitting down doing it with a big-breasted girl scene.

	[A-kun removes the card and unblindfolds Yuffie.]

?????: It's done.

>	"Are you ready to go?" 
>	"Yes, Tifa. I will accompany you until your quest is over." 

Yuffie: [Tifa] You'd better.  None of this hurts right now, thanks to my Restore Materia, but
it'll hurt come winter.

>	Tifa nodded in acknowledgment, then waited while Vincent put on fresh clothes. He
>gathered several spare sets of clothing, placing them in a leather satchel that he slid over
>his right shoulder. He hung two belts of ammo over his shoulders, then picked up Death
>Penalty, idly brushing rock chips off its polished surface. Tifa straightened her shredded
>shirt, the garment almost see-through with rents.

Gillberg: I didn't like that play.  Just too.... renty.

> She smoothed out her torn skirt, that left her thighs bare to her hips, and led the way out
>of the catacombs. Vincent followed quietly behind Tifa, dispelling the purple light as he
>progressed up the tunnel. The couple climbed the stairs back to the mansion, passing through
>the immense entry foyer before re-emerging outside into the rain. 
>	"Tifa! Are you okay?" growled Nanaki as he raced forward through puddles of water. 
>	"Yes. Vincent saved me from some black bats. They managed to get a few bites in before he
>chased them off." 
>	Nanaki examined Tifa for overlooked wounds, then turned to offer Tifa fresh clothes from
>the bag that lay across his right flank. 

?????: [Nanaki] WHOA!  Where the hell did this bag come from?  Oh well, it's got clothes in it.

>	"Let's get inside first. We'll wait out the rain before continuing." 
>	Nanaki and Vincent nodded their agreement and followed Tifa as she sprinted for her
>childhood home. The trio entered the dry silent house, the two males walking into the living
>area, while Tifa closed and locked the door behind them. She shook out her long, black hair,
>then combed it with her fingers, squeezing out the cold rainwater. Vincent built a fire and
>ignited it as Nanaki closed all the windows and climbed upstairs to seal the upper panes. Tifa
>entered the living room, her eyes gazing out the wide windows at the storm that raged outside.
>Lightning lit up her pale, drawn face as she turned to look at the old piano that sat within a
>dim corner. Tifa walked over to the dusty instrument, then sat down before it. She tapped the
>filthy keys softly, then played a short tune, remembering lessons from her youth. 

	[The crew listens to the tune]

Yuffie: Louie, Louie?

A-kun: Bah, Bah, Black Sheep?

?????: Unforgiven?

TharzZzDunN: Me so Horny?

Gillberg: Wannabe?  A Spice Girl song?

A-kun: One Winged Angel?

?????: Dies Irae?

Yuffie: The theme from Star Wars?

Gillberg: Seventies porn jazz?

TharzZzDunN: Barbie Girl?

>	"I put your dry clothes in one of the bedrooms, so you'd have privacy for changing," said >Nanaki as he re-appeared from upstairs. 
>	"Thank you, Nanaki," smiled Tifa wanly before she kissed him softly on the head. 
>	Nanaki purred happily

Yuffie: [sing-song] Someone's rubbing his tummy.

Gillberg: [sing-song] Or something lower.

Yuffie: ACK!

> as Tifa left the room for the staircase. She climbed up to the second floor and stumbled into
>her old bedroom, which happened to be the room Nanaki had left her clothes in. Tifa collapsed
>onto her bed, weeping for her innocent childhood and for the man she feared she had lost
>forever. 
>
>	==== 

Yuffie: The longest stretch of paved road near Nibelheim.

?????: And wouldn't you know it, complete gridlock.

A-kun: Just like an L.A. rush hour.

>
>							(III)

Gillberg: Oh, I get it now.  This is how many people are going to bang Tifa through out the
story!

>	Nanaki slowed to a stop, Tifa clinging to his broad back. Vincent halted on Nanaki's
>left, barely breathing hard from running beside the agile cat. The trio gazed at Rocket Town.
>The village was not nearly as impressive as the first time they'd seen it, now that Cid's
>rocket was gone. A large black crater marked the former resting-place of the enormous vessel. 
>	"Will Cid help us?" inquired Nanaki. 
>	"I'm sure I can convince him," replied Tifa. 

A-kun: UGH!  She better not have to seduce him too!

Yuffie: The idea of having to seduce Cid is a fate I wouldn't wish on even Scarlet!  Well,
actually, now that I think about it, I would.

>	Before the companions could enter Rocket Town, a throaty roar bellowed from within the
>village. The trio turned to look in the direction of Cid's house, where a twin-engine plane
>looking very similar to Tiny Bronco was rumbling to life. Cid stood near his home, jumping up
>and down, waving his arms angrily, yet too frightened of the spinning rotors to advance on his
>craft. 

?????: That's what happens when you make an airplane more rotor than body.

>	"Run, Nanaki!" urged Tifa sharply. 
>	The large red cat sprang forward, eating up the distance to the revving airship. The Tiny
>Bronco rolled away from Cid's house, and began to accelerate down a wide strip of cleared
>land. 

A-kun: What strip of cleared land?  The Tiny Bronco has ALWAYS been able to make vertical take-
offs and landings.

>	"Vincent! Transform into Chaos! Slow the Bronco down!" 
>	Vincent quickly grew into the demonic Chaos, then launched into the air, beating his
>wide, red wings. Chaos caught up with the Bronco while it roared across the cleared field,
>landing on its tail section with a loud crash. The impact shook the airship, slowing its take
>off immensely.

All: AIRSHIP!?  IT'S A PLANE!

Yuffie: Man, if I were here, I'd use my Conformer to hack off one of the wings so that it
couldn't fly.  Sure, Cid would be pissed, but better he get his plane back and be able to
repair it than lose it entirely.

> Nanaki appeared on the field, running urgently towards the Bronco before it picked up speed 
>again. Tifa held tightly onto Nanaki's mane, her own black hair billowing behind her from the 
>speed. When the duo drew within range of the swift craft, Tifa jumped from Nanaki's back onto 
>the tail section of the Bronco. Nanaki hopped onto the crowded tail just as the Bronco leapt 
>into the air, sailing gracefully over the nearby ocean's surface. 

Gillberg: Say, wasn't the Tiny Bronco damaged beyond repair?

A-kun: Actually, I found a walk-through that says that if you spend enough time, you can 
recover the Tiny Bronco, but I think you have to win a Lucky Jackpot or something at the Gold 
Saucer.

?????: But it's probably the Tiny Bronco 2.

>	A high pitched whine was the only warning when a large sharp projectile spun from the 
>cockpit and slammed into Chaos' wide chest. The monster roared in pain as his grip failed, he 
>spun away from the Bronco before slamming into the churning water below.

Gillberg: [Vincent] Blub-blub-blub-blub [manages to surface] I'LL CATCH UP WITH YOU!  DON'T 
WORRY ABOUT ME!

?????: [Tifa] That's Vincent, no staying power.

> Tifa brushed stray hair out of her eyes, and spied a small human figure piloting the Bronco. 
>The spinning weapon returned to the pilot's outstretched right hand just before she turned to 
>regard her unwelcome passengers. 
>	"Yuffie!" exclaimed Tifa in shock. 

Yuffie: WHAT IN THE HELL!?

>	"Hold on!" warned the young girl before she sent the Bronco roaring high into the air. 
>	Tifa and Nanaki held on for dear life, the turbulence desperately tearing at their 
>bodies. Yuffie giggled maliciously as she guided the Bronco west across the calm blue sea. 
>After several hours, the Bronco approached a narrow island.

A-kun: Excuse me, but it's not an island.  It's a continent.  When it spans over a hundred 
miles, it's safe to say it's a continent.

> Yuffie turned the Bronco sharply to port and dove down towards a small village. The ground 
>rushed up to meet the swift airship until it smashed into a small stand of trees.

?????: Hey, except for a mini-forest in Wutai, there aren't that many trees.

> Branches snapped across the Bronco's wings while other limbs beat painfully upon Tifa and 
>Nanaki. Tifa lost her grip first, disappearing in a flurry of clutching branches. Nanaki 
>yelled after Tifa, then was knocked from the Bronco's tail section by a particularly wide tree 
>limb. The Bronco bounced onto a flat plain after passing through the wood, grinding to a halt 
>battered and covered with leaves. Yuffie jumped out of the Bronco's cockpit, examined the 
>craft briefly, then ran north towards the village. 

Yuffie: [Yuffie] Oh, crap!  Cid's gonna kill me.  Better go hide until this is over.

>
>	***

Gillberg: Hey, that's my right set of eyes!  And I remember the jerk who took that picture too!

>
>	Tifa groaned, then staggered to her feet. She looked down at her torn shirt and bruised 
>bare legs, then vainly brushed the dirt and foliage from her clothes before stumbling out of 
>the ravaged wood. The beautiful girl left the stand of trees, entering a green plain with the 
>ocean lapping to the east. Tifa looked around for Nanaki, then walked north after failing to 
>find him. She approached the village, which she remembered was called Utai.

Yuffie: It's WUTAI, jerk-off!

> A squad of armored guards rushed to the edge of town when they spied her, pikes held at the 
>ready. Tifa raised her gloved fists, then charged into the soldiers. 

Gillberg: Oh, come ON!  Like they couldn't recognize Tifa Lockheart at six hundred and fifty 
feet!

?????: Not to mention the fact that Wutai is full of martial artists, not soldiers from a 
medieval Europe country.

>	With the power of Premium Heart, Tifa easily beat the guards into unconsciousness. She 
>marched into Utai, her guard up for further obstacles. The town was strangely quiet, no 
>villagers walked the streets, and none of the shops were open. Tifa went to Godo's house, 
>carefully sliding the paper door open. The town elder did not appear to greet Tifa, the house 
>was deathly silent. Tifa closed the door behind her, then walked to the candle-lit shrine. The 
>square room was filled to capacity, villagers pressed tightly together as they knelt in 
>worship. 

?????: Uh-oh.  Mini-cult.  Brace for "Very Wrong Scene"!

>	A gorgeous woman with long flaming red hair sat in a lotus position facing the prostrate 
>villagers. Writhing purple tentacles traveled from her naked body to each of the worshipers. 

A-kun: Who has long red hair in FF7?

Gillberg: I'd say Eve, but she's from Parasite Eve and she had purple hair.

>Yuffie knelt directly in front of the woman, a tentacle burrowing deeply into the base of her 
>neck. 

	[Yuffie begins shuddering uncontrollably.]

>	"Jenova?" whispered Tifa,

TharzZzDunN: [Tifa, in a motherly tone] Are you feeling well?

> recalling the evil creature's glistening, purplish flesh and 
>overpowering stench. 

TharzZzDunN: [Tifa, in a motherly tone] Oohh, I guess not.

	[A-kun and Gillberg nod to each other before taking out a box of inflated whoopie-
cushions and squeezing them, one at a time at different speeds.]

TharzZzDunN: [Jenova] Oh, excuse me.

>	"Yes. You missed a piece of me," smiled the woman while she rose gracefully to her bare 
>feet.

Yuffie: No, we didn't.  Besides, Sephiroth was smarter than that.  He would've made double-damn 
sure that Jenova was completely dead before he was.

> She retracted her limbs back into her naked body, the openings sealing over with new pale 
>flesh. 
>	The worshiping villagers fell into an unconscious heap as Yuffie turned to face Tifa, her 
>Conformer shuriken ready to cast. 

Yuffie: Hey, come on now.  A ninja girl has more control over herself than that!  I know that
mind-control trick.  In fact, dad made sure I could counter it before I even began training.
And boy, did it piss him off when he tried to make me clean my room.

>	"Why did you have Yuffie steal the Little Bronco?" 
>	"I need transport to the City of the Ancients. There is an enormous gathering of Mako 
>energy there, I must have it." 

Gillberg: Look, even _I_ know more about Jenova than that.  Besides, she has the ability of 
flight.  Why else would Sephiroth and Cloud be able to fly?  It sure as hell ain't something 
that all the other Mako-infused creatures are able to do.

A-kun: Not to mention that Jenova's energy isn't the same as the Planet's energy.  Jenova can't
heal so long as it's in contact with the Earth and vice versa.  In fact, it took Sephiroth,
using diligent energy gathering tactics, years to build up the right kind of energy to START
healing Jenova.  And even then, it probably wasn't healing right.

Yuffie: I have a feeling we should dub this piece Jenova-Pervert.

>	"No, I'll kill you first," swore Tifa before she sprinted towards the smiling woman.
>	Yuffie hurled Conformer at Tifa,

Gillberg: [Conformer] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH-*THUD*

Yuffie: I can't believe I'm going to say this, but Tifa, you have permission to kick my ass.
And kick it good.

> the huge shuriken tearing the air as it spun towards the young woman. Tifa knocked Conformer
>aside with Premium Heart,

?????: [baseball announcer] Oooh, it's a long drive to center-field and it looks like the Wutai
Ninjas will NOT be winning the World Series as Tifa's Midgar Maniacs score two more runs!

> then jump kicked Yuffie, knocking the girl into the wall behind her. Jenova grew three long 

	[A-kun and Yuffie puke.  ????? shudders.  Gillberg merely sighs as the obvious signs of
penis-envy become more and more apparent.]

>tentacles,

All: Oooh.

> the limbs shooting out like gleaming spears towards Tifa. The girl jumped over the
>tendrils as they smashed into the floor, then she charged Jenova, slamming Premium Heart into
>the woman's face. Bone crunched loudly within the dimly lit room as Jenova staggered back, her
>nose a flattened ruin. Blood dripped from Jenova's mouth as she laughed mockingly.

A-kun: Ah, laughing at pain.  Let's hear it for Jenova, she's quite a sport, isn't she?

> The three tentacles retracted from the floor, then dove after Tifa as she tried to evade 
>their approach. One tentacle punched Tifa in the back of her left leg, forcing her to her 
>knees. A second limb smacked her in the head, making her dizzy with pain. 

A-kun: Yes, a normal girl would be taken down with such mighty blows, but this is Tifa
Lockheart, pal.  She's been snapped at and bitten in half by bigger and tougher things than
this Jenova-Pervert.

TharzZzDunN: Yeah, she's faced foot fungus that's tougher than this Jenova-Pervert-Bitch.

Gillberg: Rebirth, Synthesis, Death, Final.  Pervert.  Just doesn't fit, does it?

A-kun: No, not at all.  In fact, I can come up with the potential parts of Jenova that were used in each part.  Rebirth, Arm.  Synthesis, Body.  Death, Heart.  Final, Head.

Gillberg: So, this is Jenova's genitals or what?

TharzZzDunN: Here's an idea.  If Sephiroth was mutating various members of SOLDIER into copies of him, what if this Jenova is a fusion between a member of SOLDIER, Sephiroth and Jenova?

A-kun: Ah! Megami-sama!  TharzZzDunN made sense!!  WAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! [pulls out the Death Penalty rifle and begins shooting at various passing pidgeons.]

Gillberg: So, it IS Jenova-Pervert!

>	As the third tendril dove down, Tifa punched it with Premium Heart, splattering it apart 
>in a cloud of gore. Jenova screamed in agony then aimed her human arms at Tifa. A blue cloud 
>formed around Jenova's hands before a shaft of compact water burst out, slamming into the 
>prostrate Tifa. Tifa slid across the shrine room, bumping into unconscious villagers until she 
>crashed into a dense pile of them. Water gushed over Tifa's chest and face, it filled her nose 
>and mouth until she was coughing for air. When the water assault ended, Tifa

?????: found herself in a wet T-shirt contest.

> staggered to her feet, then fell back when Yuffie jump kicked her in the stomach, sending her 
>flying over a pile of prone bodies. Tifa fell with a splash, landing in a puddle of chilling 
>water. Yuffie marched to where Tifa lay, then kicked her cruelly in the face. Tifa's body 
>lurched back, then returned down to the water soaked floor. 
>	Tifa lay helplessly on her back, her face burning with pain, the taste of blood thick in 
>her mouth. 

Yuffie: Oh, come on, Tifa.  I know you're better than that!  Hey, now that I think about it,
why wasn't I puking my guts up while flying the plane?

A-kun: They say that if you're driving, you tend to get sick less.

?????: Readers are probably wondering why we aren't going back to put these comments where they
belong.

A-kun: Because it takes their mind off of the fanfic.

>	Yuffie bent down to grab a handful of Tifa's hair, then dragged the girl back to the
>altar where Jenova stood with a triumphant grin. 
>	"Very good, my child," praised Jenova as Yuffie deposited Tifa before her. "Take her." 

Gillberg: [Yuffie] Okay, where do you want me to take her?

>	Yuffie knelt next to the limp Tifa, then crudely tore off the girl's clothes.

Yuffie: [blushing wildly] I-i-i-i-i-i-i-i'm na-not... [Yuffie faints again]

Gillberg: Poor girl.  So OOC she's fainting.

A-kun: Yeah, it's fine to faint or puke, but she's got to stop doing that.  It's not healthy.

?????: Maybe she is, but she's trying not to.  Caused me to faint in the past.  Remember the
time you and I were-

A-kun: Let's save that discussion for another day, okay?

	[Gillberg raises two eyebrows, but decides not to get into the discussion.  Yuffie recovers, but is blushing intensely.

> Tifa moaned weakly as Yuffie spread her legs apart and bent down to suck on her pussy.

Yuffie: [pale] I'm not into bestiality at ALL!

?????: No, no, I think they mean [whispers into Yuffie's ear], understand?

Yuffie: [no longer pale, but confused] Yeah, but why not just call it that?

?????: [shrugging] It's probably written by a loser male.

Gillberg and A-kun: HEY!!

> Yuffie
>licked up and down Tifa's pussy

Gillberg: [grinning] There's that cat again.

Yuffie: STOP THAT!

> mechanically, like a zombie.

A-kun: Okay, if flesh starts falling off of her face, I'm gonna puke.

> Jenova purred with delight, then descended from the altar, her bare breasts full and >alluring. She straddled Tifa's head, then lowered herself down until her red-bushed cunt

?????: Hey, I just thought of something.  Why didn't Tifa just smash Jenova's head against the wall?

Yuffie: Come on!  My house is made entirely out of wood.  She's just burst through the wall.

> hung within reach of Tifa's mouth. 
>	"Suck my pussy, slut." 

A-kun: [Tifa] Hell no!  I don't care WHAT you say!  I'm NOT licking Luna's fur!  Not for a million billion dollars!

Gillberg: [Jenova] And why not?

A-kun: [Tifa] I hate having to cough up hairballs.

?????: Okay, I think we should stop it there.

>	When Tifa failed to comply, Jenova extended a tentacle from her side. The tendril slid >under Tifa's head and dug into the helpless girl's neck.

	[Everyone shudders.]

Gillberg: It's amazing.  I think this Jenova lady could gross out a fair portion of Hell.

> Tifa gasped sharply, then became slack, her eyes flat and empty.

Gillberg: You know, a recent poll in Demonworld Weekly says that roughly 89% of all Demons, Succubi, Incubi, Tentacle Monsters and such would rather have sex with an unwilling victim rather than one that's under the mind control of said demon, etc.

Yuffie: Incubi?

?????: I'll explain later.  I've had to beat the snot out of some of them.

Yuffie: How many experience points did you get?

?????: 2000 Experience Points each.  Oh, but 200 AP.

A-kun: Gill, don't talk about Hell for a bit.

Gillberg: Why not?

> She pressed her mouth into Jenova's pussy, her tongue sliding deep into the woman's musky >vagina.

?????: This might be arousing if it weren't so creepy and disgusting.

>	"Yes, that's it," groaned Jenova, her eyes clasped shut with ecstasy. She thrust her hips >back and forth, running her cunt over Tifa's wanton mouth. 

Gillberg: [Tifa] Do you mind?  I'm trying to work down here.

>	Yuffie continued to suck on Tifa's hot pussy, her young lips chewing on Tifa's tender 

Yuffie: Liver, munching on the flaky, yet crispy meat.

A-kun: Yuffie?  You okay?

Yuffie: Sorry, I'm trying to counter the grossness presented with a different brand of grossness.  By the way, my mouth is watering.  Do we have any pizza?

?????: It's on it's way.  Here, have a Coca-Cola in the mean time. [hands Yuffie a 1 liter bottle.]

>labia folds. Tifa moaned with pleasure, then licked repeatedly on Jenova's clit, washing her >tongue

Gillberg: Tide with bleach will remove stains from clothes, leaving them as bright and shiny as the day you shed them.

	[Yuffie chokes on the Coke, ????? shudders and A-kun looks at Gillberg.]

Gillberg: [confused as he looks at everyone's reactions] You mean you don't shed clothes?

A-kun: Some fabrics are grown on sheep, others from plants.  Humans don't SHED clothes.

Gillberg: [blinks a few times, then pulls out a cell phone] This is HUGE!  I've gotta tell everyone!  [presses a few buttons]  Guys, clothes aren't human sheddings!  .... yeah, I know.  It finally makes sense to me too.  Yeah, it's weird that they AREN'T like chickens.

?????: [eyes twitching] You mean to say that you all thought you were PLUCKING US!?

Gillberg: Yeah, you just shrieked and shrieked when we'd pull your heads off or just ripped you in two or just bit into your torsos.  It's also because you go so well with honey-barbeque sauce.

> against it over and over until it was hard with arousal. Jenova slid a tentacle out of her >back, then sent it between Yuffie's slim legs. The tendril nuzzled past the girl's shorts and >panties, then thrust into her tight little cunt. Yuffie moaned blissfully then redoubled her >sucking on Tifa's wet slit.

Yuffie: [shuddering] Ugh, say, I don't suppose we could do what we did before...

A-kun: I guess so.

	[A-kun blindfolds Yuffie and puts a card over the camera.]

Gillberg: Tifa is licking Jenova.  Lots of description.  Jenova orgasms.  The author makes it sound like Tifa's eating a prime roast.

?????: Yuffie is licking Tifa while Jenova's "tentacle" does an impression of a piston.  CHUGGA-CHUGGA-CHUGGA-WHOOO!  WHOOO!  ALL ABOARD!

A-kun: Uhhh, "allowing it to push even deeper into the young girl's belly"?  They make it sound like she has straight plumbing.  Yo, Author, read up on your physiology.  I just know he probably thinks that the word intestine refers to the stomach.

Gillberg: This guy's gotta be obsessing over purple.  Purple cum?  What's next?  Neon nipples?  A glow-in-the-dark clitoris?  Bust sizes that change when you dip the person in water?

A-kun: Um, Gill?  Nyannichuan and Nannichuan.

Gillberg: Oh yeah.  But they don't have that in FF7.

?????: That _WE_ know of.

Yuffie: [still blindfolded] No, we don't have Jusenkyo.  Trust me, Vincent's been looking.

?????; Why would Vincent be looking?

Yuffie: [still blindfolded] Well, either he hopes it'll remove the Jenova cells from Lucrecia, if and when he finds her again, or he wants to feel pretty.

Gillberg: [suddenly shuddering] Oh dear kamis!  Here I thought that story about Madam Butterfly was bad enough!

A-kun: IT'S TENTACLES, NOT TESTICLES!  Kamis!  Don't DO that!

?????: I think Tifa and Yuffie'll need a long shower after that.

Yuffie: [still blindfolded] I think I need a long shower just LISTENING to it.

A-kun: 'kay, the scenes over.  [removes the card and unblindfolds Yuffie]

> Jenova claimed a patterned silk robe from the altar and pulled it on, then fastened the >garment shut with a silk belt. 

A-kun: She's been butt-naked for most of her appearance and NOW she shows some modesty.

?????: Ugh.  Look, lady, modesty or nakedness.  Choose one and STICK WITH IT.

>	"Yuffie, take Tifa to the Little Bronco, we depart for the City of the Ancients >immediately." 

Gillberg: [Yuffie] Okay, but how are we going to get there?  I totalled the Tiny Bronco, dumbass.

?????: [Jenova] WHAT?!

Gillberg: [Yuffie] Listen, genius, you told me to bring it here, not bring it here in working order.

>	Yuffie silently walked to Tifa and grabbed the naked girl's wrists. She pulled Tifa out >of the shrine, dragging her across the slick wooden floor.

Yuffie: [Yuffie] Poor Tifa, no fighting skills whatsoever.  I bet Aerith'll have to save our asses again.

A-kun: Nah, Martina will have to save you.

Yuffie: Who?

A-kun: She's from Slayers.

Yuffie: She's not even in the same universe!

A-kun: Exactly.  So, don't expect to be saved.

> Jenova regarded the unconscious villagers, then extended out her slim arms. The villagers' >bodies began to glow with a brilliant green light, and streams of energy leapt out towards >Jenova's outspread hands. Jenova moaned with pleasure as she absorbed the life energy from >Utai's citizens.

A-kun: EXCUSE ME, but I thought we got through this discussion before.  JENOVA CAN'T ABSORB MAKO ENERGY BECAUSE IT'S INCOMPATIBLE WITH HER!  It's like a human eating the stuff a bottom-feeding fish eats.  They might be able to live for a bit, but he or she will eventually die because the food that a bottom feeder can and would eat isn't good for humans.

> The woman's naked body became brighter and brighter, suffused with spirit energy.

Gillberg: Ah-HA!  The author said she put on a robe, so therefore she's clothed!  But here he/she says Jenova is naked!

TharzZzDunN: Hey, A-kun, if there are so many flaws in this, why are you bothering?

A-kun: Because A) The author bothered to put a plot in this, so that means he or she is actually attempting to make a coherent story of some sort.  B) This is a fanfic, thus it is fair game.  And C) It's based on FF7 and I'd like to see a FEW good lemons about it.  I'm not saying there aren't good stories, there just aren't any good lemons about it.

> When all of the villagers had been emptied, Jenova lowered her arms and walked cheerfully out >of the shrine to rejoin her slave and prisoner. 

Gillberg: Aw, geez.  At LEAST give them a decent death.  I'd blow up the building, personally.

A-kun: Gill?  You okay?

Gillberg: Yeah, but personally, I believe that if you're going to kill someone, at least kill 'em physically.  None of this 'sap their lifeforce' crap.

>
>	====

?????: It's the amount of plot in the story!

A-kun: Nah, the brain patterns of the author.

>
>							(IV)

Gillberg: Chapter 4, Book 3, Paragraph 9 of the 10th volume of the 52nd series.

>	A bright shaft of blue light dominated the central chamber of the Hall of the Ancients. 

Yuffie: Hall of the Ancients?  It's the CITY of Ancients, butt-wipe.

>The pillar of light was pure Mako energy, generated from deep within the heart of the planet. 

Gillberg: AAAH!  The Planet needs a coronary bypass, stat!

>Two human figures floated within the Mako beam, Aeris and Cloud. 

All: AAAH!  POSSESSOPHILIA!

>	Cloud levitated behind Aeris, his strong bare arms wrapped around the girl's slender >waist.

Yuffie: A-kun!  I don't wanna see Aerith-san like that!

A-kun: Oh, fine.  [blindfolds her and puts the card over the camera.]

?????: Cloud's rubbing her ass and breasts.  I don't think that Aerith was THAT small in either departments.

Yuffie: [blindfolded] Yeah, Aerith's breasts are bigger than mine and I'm an A-cup.

A-kun: Can we NOT discuss that?

?????: Why not?

A-kun: Because the next thing we'll get into is the size of Cloud's penis.  And we all know that penis-envy or compensation is rampant in bad lemons.

?????: You know, I have to wonder if your sister is the pervert or if you are.

A-kun; So, basically, if you're in a beam of Mako energy, spirits can become solid.  Then why the hell doesn't Aerith just absorb the energy and stay solid?

Gillberg: That's dangerous.  If you die within two years of becoming solid, it's the same as losing your spirit.  You fall under the control of the nearest spirit collector.  After two years, you're basically alive again.

A-kun: But if you can do anything with enough Mako, surely she could re-create her body with the amount of power being wasted so she and Cloud can have sex.

Gillberg: True.

Yuffie: [blindfolded] Besides, once you're returned to the planet, it's well-near impossible to remain as you were.

A-kun: Perhaps if you made a materia as you died you could return.  Would explain how you could summon Ifrit and such.

Yuffie: [blindfolded] But if you make a materia as you die, your spirit is locked in that materia and you're at the mercy of anyone who picks you up.

?????: "Fuck me, Cloud."?  Looks like this Aerith is a naughty little girl.

Yuffie: [shuddering, but still blindfolded] There's something not right about this Aerith.  I can feel it.

Gillberg: Standard "f"ing scene.

?????: What is this obsession with the womb?  For kami-sama's sake, people, think of another way of describing the joining of two bodies.

A-kun: Scene's over. [takes card off and unblindfolds Yuffie.]

>	"You must go now, Cloud. Tifa will be looking for you." 
>	"No, I want to stay with you," replied Cloud as he rubbed his nose against Aeris' scalp. 

Yuffie: THAT'S WHAT'S WRONG!  This Aerith is BALD!

>	"I'm just a spirit, I can't leave this Hall." 

Gillberg: Hey, Sephiroth returned to the planet, right?

Yuffie: I think so.  Cloud beat his spirit.

Gillberg: Ah, but did he make a Materia?

Yuffie: Not that I know of.

Gillberg: Then this might be Sephiroth, posing as Aerith.

Yuffie: [shudders] After what they just did, I hope not.

>	"Then I will never leave." 
>	"Oh, Cloud, you're alive, you should be with the living." 
>	"You are everything to me, I don't want anyone else. I love you." 

A-kun: This might be a touching scene if it weren't for the fact that Cloud's clutching desperately to the past.

Gillberg: It's so the author can make Tifa his blow-up sex doll.

>	"Cloud," murmured Aeris before she turned to face her lover. 
>	Cloud held her tightly against himself, then tilted her head back to kiss her. Aeris >surrendered to Cloud's embrace. Although she knew it was false, she felt alive with Cloud >beside her. 

A-kun: Um, yeah.  You have no heartbeat, you're forcing your spirit into cohesion and you've got a man who's living in the past with you.

>	***

?????: Starlight, star bright, I wish you may, I wish you might, fall and crush the author of this bad fanfic tonight.

>
>	It was well into the night when Nanaki finally awoke. He groaned as he rose to his feet,
>then he sniffed around for Tifa. Failing to find the girl, Nanaki left the small wood,

Gillberg: [Butthead] Huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh-huh.  He wrote 'wood'.  Huh-huh-huh-huh-huh.

> emerging into the plain south of Utai.

Yuffie: 'Into the plain'?  Get rid of the 'to'.

A-kun: Yuffie!  What's wrong with you?!

Yuffie: What?

A-kun: Well, I was just curious.  After all, it's the most civil thing you've said for a while now. 

> The large red cat sprinted to the dark silent town, then caught a faint trace of Tifa's 
>scent. He followed the trail to Godo's house, which he cautiously entered. Nanaki entered the
>pitch-black shrine, the candles burnt to stubs hours previously. Dead bodies 

Gillberg: [Nanaki] OH BOY OH BOY OH BOY!  Maybe if I find what killed them, I can get out of
this fanfic too!

Yuffie: [chanting] Do it!  Do it!  Do it!  Die, Nanaki, die!

>littered the room, strangely dry and wrinkled. Nanaki twitched his nose in disgust, continuing
>his search of the room until he found Tifa's torn clothing on the floor near the shrine's
>altar.

A-kun: [Nanaki]  Oooh, they had pepperoni pizza here.    Oh, and over here 
they had a delicious banquet of fruits, chips and dip.   And I think this body 
had peppermint candy.  Mmmmmm, peppermint.

Gillberg: [Nanaki]  This is a peculiar odor...  OH MY GAWD!  
IT'S PEPSI ONE!  I'M BLIND AND IT'S BURNING MY NOSE HAIRS!  AAAAAAAAH!

> The cat twitched his ears when he discovered Yuffie's scent as well as one other, the monster
>known as Jenova.

?????: Yeah, you know, after about a few years or so, I'd remember how something smelled too.
Especially when it didn't even resemble any of it's previous forms.

Gillberg: Hey, how do you think animals can sense spirits and such?  It's sort of a spiritual residue.

> Fearing for his friend, Nanaki raced out of the village, scouring the countryside until he
>found the crash site of Tiny Bronco. The plane was gone now, but Nanaki sniffed the
>surroundings until he verified that Tifa, Yuffie, and Jenova had been here. Nanaki sat down on
>his haunches, lowering his head in thought. 

Gillberg: [Nanaki] I'm getting paid fifteen dollars an hour plus medical, dental and triple for
scenes where I have to do it with anything outside of my species, so if I died now, I'd get...

>	"Hey! Who are you?" inquired a young female voice from the darkness. 

Yuffie: Hey, I think I remember that voice...

>	Nanaki leapt to his feet, spinning to face the unknown speaker, his fangs bared
>threateningly. 

Yuffie: Bite 'er in the ass!

>	"Whoa! Nice kitty!" soothed a girl dressed in a black body suit and masked hood. She held
>a short sword tightly with both of her small hands, the blade gleaming in the starlight. 

Yuffie: [growling as she readied her Conformer.] Now I'm sure of it.

>	"What's your name, little girl?" 
>	"I'm Hikaru, a famous and deadly ninja!"

Yuffie: [sneering] Yeah, famous and deadly SOMETHING, but it's not a ninja.

Gillberg: Can you give me a hint?

Yuffie: It's another five letter word and it's starts with "W".

Gillberg: Never thought she'd be a witch.  She's seems too young...

Yuffie: No, no.  It's something that your fellow creatures would be familiar with.

Gillberg: OOOOOOOooohhh.... I don't get it.

	[Yuffie decides to just give up.]

>	"Famous? I never heard of you." 
>	"That little bitch Yuffie gets all the attention. I hate her!" 

Yuffie: [face dark] I hate you too, ya little snotwad.

?????: If you don't mind me asking, what did she do?

Yuffie: Little snotwad kept shooting spitballs at me when I was practicing my balance, putting
grease on the bottom of my shoes, spat in my food and the one time I was ready to forgive and
forget, she dropped a bucket of fish guts on me.  So, I blew up her house.

A-kun: Sounds reasonable.

Gillberg: [nodding] Fair exchange.  So did you remember to sacrifice her pets to your Dark
Lord?

Yuffie: NO!

Gillberg:  I don't know what's wrong with young people nowadays.  Not sacrificing your enemy's 
pets to your Dark Lord, leaving the toilet seats up, not tipping your waitress more than 10%.  
Ugh, we're all going to Heaven in a hand-basket.

>	"Right now I don't like her much either. Did you see them leave?" 

Yuffie: Nanaki, how could you.... WAAAAAAAH!

Gillberg: Uh, A-kun...

A-kun: Yeah, sure.

	[A-kun takes Yuffie out of the room.]

>	"Yes, they flew southeast. I overheard the tall woman saying that they were going to the
>City of the Ancients. That tall lady looked really creepy and mean." 

Gillberg: Oh, it's not like Jenova's horrible actions wouldn't cause a hero-esque character to
take action or anything like that.  Or maybe at the least, cause you to attack just to stop
your worst enemy's evil plot to TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!

?????: Nah, that's just silly.

>	"Damn. Do you know anyone on this island who might have a boat or airship?" 

?????: [Hikaru] Oh, hell no.  It's not like this tourist town would need transportation of any
sort.

>	"Yes! There's a crazy old man named Metsua who lives in the western mountain range." 

?????: METHUSULA?!

TharzZzDunN: CRAZY GREEN-HAIRED WOMAN NAMED SETSUNA WHO DANCES WITH THE DEVIL NAKED BY THE PALE
MOONLIGHT?  [suddenly, the Time Rifle shoots TharzZzDunN repeatedly between the ears, annihilating him for the moment.]

Gillberg: Looks like Setsuna's been getting some serious hardware.

>	"I will go there to get his help," said Nanaki before he turned to begin running west. 
>	"Hey! Wait for me!" 
>	"I do not require further help from you. My quest is dangerous and no concern of yours." 
>	"I want to help you against Yuffie. If that little slut

Yuffie: [off-screen] THAT'S the pot calling the tea kettle black!

> is up to something, I want to help you stop her." 
>	"Very well," sighed Nanaki. "Climb onto my back." 

Gillberg: If Nanaki screws her too, I'll be sending some of my demon buddies after the author.

	[Yuffie and A-kun re-entered.]

>	Hikaru giggled as she slid onto the big cat's body. Nanaki waited until she had a firm
>grip on his mane, then he shot forward into the night. Hikaru laughed with joy, relishing the
>feel of the wind against her masked face. The duo traveled all night, approaching the
>mountainous home of Metsua just as the sun broke across the eastern horizon. Nanaki stopped to
>catch his breath, allowing Hikaru to dismount and stretch her stiff legs. 

TharzZzDunN: I can't believe that it's Nanaki who's stiff.

?????: EEEWWW!  TharzZzDunN!

	[Yuffie doubled-over over her puke bucket again.]

>	"That was some ride. You're really fast!" 
>	"Wait here. I will climb up to Metsua's home." 
>	"No! I'm a ninja! I can climb too!" 

A-kun: Who's saying what?

?????: [chuckling] Be funny if Nanaki was declaring that he was a ninja.

Yuffie: Actually, it would be a great disguise.

?????: .......

>	Hikaru defiantly attached climbing claws to her hands and feet then began ascending the 
>rocky surface of the mountain. Nanaki sighed in frustration, then followed after the ninja 
>girl, extending his own sharp claws from his paws to climb the steep slope. Girl and cat 

Gillberg: He's a ............. um, I guess feline might fit, but cats are..... oh, screw it.

>climbed most of the morning, eventually reaching the old man's dwelling. Nanaki and Hikaru
>stopped to rest on the small ledge that led into Metsua's cave. Nanaki led the way into the
>cave, his sharp cat eyes watching out for traps. The duo traveled twenty feet into the cave,
>then halted before a flat stone wall. Engraved sigils formed a crude doorway upon the rock,
>but they did not react when Nanaki and Hikaru drew close. 
>	"How do you open the portal?" 

A-kun: Try mooning it.

Gillberg: Hey, have Hikaru show her boobs.

Yuffie: What boobs?

Gillberg: Ooooh, good shot.

>	"I don't know, I've never been here before," shrugged Hikaru.
>	The sigils suddenly brightened with greenish radiance, heralding the appearance of a door
>sized opening.

?????: [sniffing the air before waving her hand in front of her face] Whooo!  Guess it's gas-powered.

> Nanaki glanced at Hikaru, then slowly walked through the now open portal.

Yuffie: My GAWD!  ?????'s right!  It IS gas-powered!  Nanaki must've smelled it!

> The ninja girl drew her short sword, scanning the area beyond the door with her expert eye.

Yuffie: Pffffft.  As if.  I could whip her in a straight-up fight no problem.  And I bet she wouldn't even see it coming.

TharzZzDunN: Expert eye, huh?  Guess she must've gouged that out of someone else's head.

> A small entry chamber greeted the two visitors, with a single door in each of the room's 
>remaining three walls. The central door opened, revealing a bent old man with a balding head 
>dressed in filthy red robes. Nanaki wrinkled his nose from the old man's stench, but tried to 
>look respectful. 

Gillberg: [Nanaki] Ugh!  Man, I don't know how long I can do this...... [Nanaki pukes.]

>	"Honored sir, I am in need of transport off this island. Hikaru here said that you might 
>be able to help me." 
>	"My, what a charming little girl," leered Metsua as he looked up and down Hikaru's black 
>garbed body. 

Yuffie: [turning green] Eewwww...  Hikaru's, like, fourteen!

?????: Trust me, after seeing Chibi-Usa's Seventh Birthday, this is nothing.

Gillberg: You read it?

A-kun: I haven't. [frown]

?????: S'kay, A-kun.  You don't want to read it.

A-kun: [arching an eyebrow] Now I HAVE to read it.

>	"I'm a ninja! You better not forget that!" warned Hikaru with a shake of her blade. 
>	"Oh, ho! Spirit! I like that!" cackled Metsua. 
>	"Sir? The transport?" 
>	"Yes, I heard you! I have a flyer that you could use. What can you pay?" 
>	"I have no money. Would you consider a trade of materia?" 
>	"No, no! I have plenty of materia! How about something else?" smiled Metsua cunningly. 
>	"Oh, no, you don't! I won't let a dirty old man like you touch me!" snarled Hikaru. 
>	"Then I guess we have no further business," shrugged Metsua as he turned to leave. 

A-kun: [Nanaki] We could just kill you...

Gillberg: [Metsua, whimpering] Don't hurt me...

>	"Please, Hikaru. I need to rescue Tifa and Cloud!" 

?????: Um, Nanaki, are you sure they need rescuing THAT badly?

>	"Will you watch? To make sure he doesn't do anything really weird to me?" 

All: [O_O] Uhhh.......

Yuffie: [shuddering] I always knew that she was a perv-o!

Gillberg: Hey, some of my best friends are perv-os!  They also sing that "Pina Colada" song, so what does that mean?

>	"Very well," nodded Nanaki. 

?????: Uh, Nanaki, are you sure you wanna?

Nanaki: [pops in] No, but I don't get paid unless I follow the script or die. [pops out]

>	Metsua cackled with joy, then led the way into his inner sanctum. The trio entered a snug 
>room with floor cushions and braziers emitting clouds of sweet smelling incense. Materia orbs 
>sat on shelves all across the room's walls, their light illuminated the richly draped chamber. 

Yuffie: RUUUUUN! [Yuffie dives for cover, followed by A-kun and Gillberg.]

?????: [frowning an eyebrow] What?

A-kun: When magic is being activated, the materia glows!

?????: YIPE! [dives for cover]

>Metsua discarded his food-encrusted robe, exposing his thin, wrinkled body.

	[Everyone pukes, even Gillberg.]

> Hikaru frowned with distaste, then removed her mask and hood, revealing a lovely sixteen year 
>old girl's face and neck length black hair.

Yuffie: You know, I might just have to apologize to her after this.  No one deserves that fate.

A-kun: Guess she's older than you think, Yuffie.  It says she's sixteen.

Yuffie: She got a fake ID.  This guy just THINKS she's sixteen. Or he _wants_ to think she's sixteen. [shudders]

> Metsua grinned with pleasure than pointed to the floor in front of him. 
>	"Kneel down and suck my cock, then you can have the flyer." 

	[Yuffie pukes again.]

>	Hikaru obeyed the old man without a word, removing her body suit, then kneeling naked at 
>his feet. She took Metsua's small cock in her right hand, then began rubbing it back and 
>forth. 

	[????? turns a deep shade of green.]

>	When the member was adequately stiff, Hikaru placed her small mouth on its tip, sucking 
>lightly on the engorged head. Metsua groaned with bliss, placing his hands on his bony hips 
>and thrusting his crotch towards Hikaru's young face.

	[Gillberg's skin turns yellow, the shade of disgust for tentacle beasts.]

> The ninja girl allowed Metsua's cock to slide down her throat, she sucked deeply on the 
>shaft, her cheeks taut with strain. Hikaru's head bobbed back and forth, her mouth making wet 
>smacking sounds as she slid her lips across the old man's tool. 

	[A-kun's eyes flare with anger.]

A-kun: _THIS_ _METSUA_ _SHALL_ _DIE_ _A_ _FAR_ _MORE_ _PAINFUL_ _DEATH_ _THAN_ _THOSE_ _WHO_ 
_OPPOSE_ _THE_ _FIST_ _OF_ _THE_ _NORTHSTAR_!!!

?????: EEEP!  He's talking in emphasized caps!

Gillberg: Hey, A-kun, you wouldn't happen to be an Arch-Demon in disguise, would you?

A-kun: _NO_, _BUT_ _I_ _PLAYED_ _ONE_ _IN_ _A_ _CAMPAIGN_ _ONCE_.

Gillberg: Ah, that explains it.

>	Nanaki became aroused despite himself. He could feel his cock hardening in response to 
>Hikaru's wanton cock sucking. He watched the young girl's ass bounce in front of him, and he 
>could see the slit of her pussy teasing him. He inhaled deeply with his snout, savoring the 
>scent of her womanhood. He could tell she was a virgin, her cunt was fresh and untouched. 

Gillberg: That's it!  I'm going to call my buddies now. [pulls out cell phone and dials six 
numbers.]  Hello, Extreme-Torture Division.  Yeah, Gillberg, Head of the Tentacle Beast 
Division.... yeah, I found someone who deserves it.  The author of "Quest for Aeris"- you 
will?  For free?  Thanks.

>Unconsciously drooling with lust, Nanaki licked his lips, then slowly advanced on the unaware 
>girl. Metsua watched the cat sneak closer to Hikaru's vulnerable ass; he smiled but said 
>nothing. 

A-kun: _I_ _SHALL_ _SEE_ _TO_ _THIS_ _MAN'S_ _ETERNAL_ _PAIN_!!

>	Hikaru was lost in her sucking until she felt two paws slap against her bare back, she 
>glanced back to see Nanaki mounting her, his rock hard cock disappearing between her tiny 
>buttocks. Hikaru moaned in protest, her mouth full of Metsua's cock while Nanaki rammed his 
>member into her virginal pussy. The girl groaned loudly with pain, her hips twitching as a 
>trickle of blood escaped from her violated cunt. Nanaki growled with pleasure, his cock 
>squeezed by Hikaru's super tight vagina. He ripped her hymen open, then shoved his member into 
>the girl's little belly.

Yuffie and ?????: [wincing] Ooooww.  That's gotta hurt.

A-kun: _THIS_ _HEINOUS_ _ACT_ _SHALL_ _MERELY_ _INFLAME_ _THE_ _RIGHTEOUS_ _HAND_ _OF_ _JUSTICE_!

?????: A-kun, you sound like Amelia.

A-kun: _I_ _DO_?  _SHOOT_, _I_ _CAN'T_ _SEEM_ _TO_ _STOP_ _SPEAKING_ _LIKE_ _THIS_.  _LET_ _ME_ _TRY_ _SOMETHING_.  [[_NOPE_]]  *_NO_*, *_THAT'S_* *_NOT_* *_IT_* *_EITHER_*.  There.  Whew.  That's More Like It.

?????: Uuuhh, sure.

> Hikaru became limp with shock, her hands falling away from Metsua's shaft. The old man 
>grabbed a handful of the naked girl's hair to keep her upright, then increased the violence of 
>his thrusts into her slack mouth. Hikaru moaned while the old man rammed his cock into her 
>mouth and the big cat fucked her bleeding pussy.

A-kun: I Still Hate This Asshole.

?????: What, no censorship?

A-kun: Look At The Story And Ask Me If We Should Censor Our Words.

> Nanaki's claws unsheathed and bit into the smooth white flesh of her back. The red feline 
>grunted with each thrust into her cunt, his member filling her vagina, making it ache as it 
>struggled to widen for the large pole. Hikaru trembled, both of her orifices dripping with 
>male excretions. Drool flowed down the naked girl's chin, and her tiny breasts shook as Nanaki 
>rammed his member in and out of her shaved slit. 
>	"I think the little whore likes it," smiled Metsua maliciously, his crotch smacking 
>against Hikaru's beautiful face. "Fuck her asshole." 

Gillberg: And here I was about to say that at least no one was shoving anything up her ass.

Yuffie: UGH!  Can we PLEASE skip the torture?!

A-kun: Oh, Right. [blindfolds Yuffie and places the card over the camera.]

?????: I swear, I don't get why guys are so interested in seeing things go in or out of a
girl's ass.

A-kun: Don't Look At Me, I Don't Understand It Either.

Gillberg: It's gotta do with the tightness.  Some guys like it ultra-tight, but they tend to
forget that it's really painful.  Never abuse your chosen partner.  Otherwise tentacle beasts
get to beat you up.

A-kun: Standard Cat Screwing A Young Girl.

Gillberg: There's a standard?

A-kun: This Is Starting One... Bleah.

?????: BRRR!  I have to say that the author is one sick sonovabitch.

A-kun: Scenes Over. [takes the card from the camera and unblindfolds Yuffie.]

> Metsua nodded in satisfaction, then walked to a nearby shelf where a glowing red materia
>sphere lay. 

Yuffie: YEEEP!  He's gonna summon something! [dives for cover]

Gillberg: I'd like to summon Alexander on this little twerp.

>	"So, my materia of Lust works. I'll make a fortune from pimps and brothel houses,"
>cackled Metsua greedily.

A-kun: No, You Won't.  Pimps And Brothel Houses Usually Have Willing Participants.  They Would
Have No Need Of A Lust Materia.

>	"Hikaru wasn't affected," protested Nanaki as the shame of his actions crashed upon him. 

A-kun: Example Number 2, The Effect Is Limited.

>	"I wasn't using it on the bitch, I was using it on you. If the materia can turn you into
>a sex-crazed monster, imagine what it can do to a young girl reluctant to fuck a customer." 

Yuffie: Third, should the person the materia is being used on get hurt, the control would
shatter.  Same as with a Manipulate Materia.

>	"You're the monster!" roared Nanaki before he leapt forward, tearing into Metsua with his
>razor sharp claws. Metsua screamed briefly, until Nanaki tore him into a mess of blood and
>gore.

All: WHOOOO!  GO, NANAKI, GO!  GO, NANAKI, GO!

Gillberg: And another a-hole gets what he's deserves.

>	Hikaru watched in a daze, fingering her blood soaked pussy and ravaged anus. She stumbled
>to her feet, and moved to recover her discarded clothing. When Nanaki left Metsua's butchered
>remains, Hikaru stood near the exit, her arms wrapped around her stomach. 
>	"I'm sorry, Hikaru. I can never make up for what I did to you." 
>	"It wasn't your fault, the materia made you fuck me." 

?????: A lot more understanding than some women might be.

Yuffie: Then again, it was the dirty old man's fault.

?????: True.

>	"Can you find Metsua's flyer?" 
>	"Yes. Let me get the keys from his robe." 

A-kun: What Is This Flyer Thing Anyway?

>	Hikaru walked painfully to the old man's fallen robe, retrieved his keys, and then left
>the room, leaving Nanaki behind until he reluctantly followed. 
>
>	====
>							(V)

A-kun: The Number Of People Who Are Still Reading This.

Gillberg: This is starting to drag.

?????: I agree.

Yuffie: Yeah, this sucks.

A-kun: Yeah, I Think The Readers Can Do Without This Next Scene.

	[A-kun pulled out a remote and fastforwarded it.]

A-kun: Wonder Who'll Actually Be Pissed At Losing A Jenova-Tifa Scene.

Gillberg: No one.

>	***
>
>	Aeris rode Cloud's crotch, her small breasts bobbing with each thrust of her hips. Aeris >threw back her head, her mouth open from panting as she fucked Cloud desperately once more. 

Yuffie: SKIP!

	[A-kun blindfolds Yuffie and puts the card over the camera.]

Gillberg: This might be a touching scene if there were so much filthy words in it.  Come on, can you write ONE lemon scene where the word "fucked" in it?

?????: Yeah, "fucked" is for porn stories.  In a romantic interaction, it should NOT be used.

>	"I love you, Aeris," murmured Cloud after he parted from the girl. 
>	"I love you, Cloud," replied Aeris, her eyes glimmering with tears. 
>	"I never want to leave you." 
>	"You must. Jenova is coming. She wants the Mako energy stored here." 

A-kun: As If She Could Even Use It For Anything.

?????: Actually, she could use it to summon Meteor a second time.  But, she'd need the Black Materia.

>	"I'll kill her, I've done it before." 
>	"No. You must leave. There's a good reason.

Gillberg: [Aeris] I want to see you in a dress again!

> I know a way to return to the living." 
>	"Really? You're certain." 

?????: Then why did you ask if you know she's certain?

>	"Reasonably so," admitted Aeris while she continued to fuck Cloud's cock. "I've >constructed a soul materia.

A-kun: WHOOP! WHOOP! WHOOP!  BULLSHIT EXPLANATION AHEAD!

?????: [struggling] Must... remember.... anything.... possible..... with.... enough Mako....

Gillberg: Give it up.

?????: Actually, it's probably quite possible to make a one-shot materia.

> You must take the orb and place it over the heart of a dying girl.

Yuffie: [deeply sarcastic] Oh, so robbing a dying girl of the last precise moments of her life
is a good thing.

> The essence that I've placed inside the materia will heal the body and transfer my soul into 
>it." 

A-kun: THEN HOW THE HELL ARE YOU HERE?!  EVERYONE KNOWS THAT THE SOUL OF THE CREATURE MUST BE
TRAPPED WITHIN THE MATERIA WHEN IT'S FORMED-

	[Everyone suddenly pales as realization hits.]

Gillberg: Oh... my... goddess....

Yuffie: I KNEW IT!  I KNEW SOMETHING WAS WRONG WITH THIS AERIS!

?????: But, if it's not Aeris, it must be someone that Aeris could convince into giving the
materia to Cloud.  Sex must've just been a bonus for that person.

Yuffie: [turns green] Sephiroth had a fascination with Cloud.

?????: You don't think...

A-kun: He Did Turn Himself Into Someone Else In The Game, So Taking Someone Else's Spiritual
Form Would Be Child's Play.

>	"What about Jenova?" grunted Cloud, his cock throbbing with approaching orgasm. 
>	"I'll leave a shade of myself here to fight her. Hopefully it will be able to kill her." 

A-kun: And If It Doesn't?  More Reason For Cloud To Stay.

?????: Actually, if this is Sephiroth, then he'll be the one that'll remain behind.  And as we
all know, Sephiroth doesn't lose to very many people.

>	"It sounds risky, but if it will bring you back to me, I'll do it." 
>	"Thank you, beloved. Just make sure to get me a nice body." 
>	"I'll do my best to find a girl as divine as you, but it'll be hard," Cloud grinned >before he closed his eyes and groaned in climax. 

A-kun: I Still Don't Know Why She Didn't Just Create A Body And Fuse With It.

Gillberg: Makes Cloud feel more important if he's involved.

>	Aeris sighed, her pussy relaxing as a river of honey poured from her womb, making a 
>sticky pool around Cloud's shivering cock. Cloud kissed Aeris one more time, slowly, tenderly, 
>then rose into an upright position before descending to the stone landing below. He left the 
>shaft of Mako energy,

Yuffie: You could say he got 'shafted'.

> retrieving his discarded clothes and blade, Ultima Weapon. Aeris floated down to where Cloud 
>stood and reached out to the edge of the Mako beam to give her love her soul materia. Cloud 
>accepted the small white orb carefully,

Yuffie: HEY!  That's the color of the Holy Materia!  No way would a 'soul transfer' Materia be
white!

Gillberg: What color would it be?

Yuffie: Hmmm, probably Yellow, Red or possibly Purple.

> then placed it inside a padded belt pouch. 
>	Aeris smiled affectionately at Cloud, who reached out with his right hand to touch Aeris' >ghostly palm. Absorbing Aeris' beautiful image into his mind, Cloud reluctantly turned and >marched out of the large Hall. Aeris watched Cloud depart, then she inhaled deeply, preparing >for the conflict about to occur. 

?????: [Author] It's a conflict, it's not a war.  It's a conflict.

>
>	***
>
>	"My search is complete. Barret is trapped in a giant spider's web not far from here. I >decided to let the spider have him for lunch," giggled Yuffie. 

Gillberg: Yeah, it'll be SO happy when his gun blows holes through it.

>	"The Mako fountain?" 
>	"In the Hall, just as you guessed, Mistress." 
>	"Excellent. Guard Tifa, I must enter the Hall alone." 
>	"Yes, Mistress." 
>	Jenova glanced briefly at Tifa's exhausted, prone form, then walked gracefully out of the >house. Yuffie knelt in a corner of the room, holding Conformer at the ready if Tifa tried >anything. 

Yuffie: [Yuffie] UGH!  Ye GAWDS!  I wish she wouldn't go spreading that smell around!

>	Jenova made quick progress to the Hall of the Ancients and entered the large domed 
>building without hesitation. She could feel the Mako in the air, it fairly crackled with 
>eldritch power.

?????: Uh, Eldritch usually means that it's very, very ancient and usually 99.99999% of the
populace hasn't seen it.

> Jenova breathed in deeply, growing drunk on the vaporous Mako until her head became dizzy. 

Gillberg: Oh great, not only does Jenova have flatulence, but now she's high as a kite too.

>She walked regally into the Hall, raising her head to stare in awe at the floor to ceiling 
>shaft of Mako energy. Jenova's face broke into an avaricious smile, then began laughing so 
>loudly that it practically shook the walls and ceiling. Her laughter was victorious, smug, 
>gloating. 
>	Her laughter seemed to go on without end until she spied a female form floating within 
>the Mako fountain. Jenova's smile faded, and was replaced with an angry glower. 
>	"Who dares partake of my Mako fountain?" screamed Jenova as she marched furiously 
>forward. 

?????: [Aeris] YOUR Mako Fountain?  I found it first, BITCH!

>	"Mako belongs to all living things, not to greedy monsters like you." 
>	"Ugly bitch! I shall destroy you for your impudence!" spat Jenova before her lovely 
>female body exploded 

Gillberg: See kids?  This is what happens when you don't treat flatulence.  And I bet you thought it was just a rude noise, didn't you?

>into a mass of writhing tentacles and purple/gray flesh. 
>	Aeris extended her right hand, invoking Fire 3. Huge fireballs fell from the ceiling, 
>immolating Jenova. The monster screamed in agony, her flesh melting in thick globs. She raised 
>a tentacle,

A-kun: OF FOR LOVE OF THE MEGAMIS, DO YOU HAVE TO SHOW OFF YOUR PENISES?!

?????: A-KUN!

> then cast Ice 3. A cloud of freezing mist surrounded Aeris, inflicting great pain on the 
>girl's spirit form.

Yuffie: How can ice hurt a spirit?

A-kun: The Same Way Lightning Can Hurt Ghosts.  Deus Ex Machina.

Yuffie: Not to mention none of Jenova's parts used magic.  They had their own attacks.

> Aeris cast Mbarrier on herself, then cast Bolt 3 before Jenova could react. Four jagged 
>lightning bolts crackled around Jenova, severing several of her trembling limbs. Jenova 
>bellowed with pain, but managed to cast Debarrier, shattering Aeris' Mbarrier. Aeris recoiled 
>from the broken magic, then screamed when Jenova cast Tornado upon her. A whirling cone of air 
>engulfed Aeris, slicing much of her spirit form to tatters. Barely able to maintain her form, 
>Aeris summoned all of the Mako she could absorb. As Jenova watched in growing horror, Aeris 
>cast the most powerful spell she could, Ultima.

Gillberg: Why she didn't just do that to begin with, I'll never know.

> The Hall began to rumble, then everything 
>began to shake as the terrible magic Aeris invoked drew closer. Jenova screamed with hate, 
>cursing the composed Aeris who waited calmly for destruction to come for her. A huge wave of 
>energy tore into the Hall, disintegrating everything in its path. Jenova roared futilely, 
>waving her remaining tentacles until the Ultima wave engulfed her, consuming her body until 
>not even ash remained. An enormous ball of Mako energy erupted into the air, shattering the 
>Hall to dust and sealing the fountain shut forever. 

Gillberg: Not to mention that even if it DID somehow survive, they could use the that old line.

A-kun: What Old Line?

Gillberg: Well, when a wizard invokes a barrier underground or in a building, ask them if their
barrier protects them from tons of falling masonry.  Then, blow the roof above them and
teleport out.

>
>	***
>
>	Yuffie gasped loudly, then fell limply to the floor. The fragment of Jenova that nestled >within her neck oozed out and died.

Yuffie: [shuddering] Eeeeew!  GROSS!

> Tifa moaned, slowly rising to regard her unconscious captor. 
>	She stole some of Yuffie's spare clothes, a tight T-shirt that barely covered the tops of 
>her breasts, and a pair of green shorts that hugged every curve of her hips and bit painfully 
>into the crack of her ass.

?????: Just the crack?

A-kun: Just Say No To Crack.

?????: [deadpan] Ha.  Ha.

> Tifa relieved Yuffie of one of her knives, then left the house to see what the loud noise 
>was. She blinked from the bright sunlight, then gasped when she spotted Cloud gazing at 
>something within the City of the Ancients. Tifa ran to Cloud, heedless of the sharp stones 
>that bit into her bare feet. 

Gillberg: I don't know of many tentacle beasts that take off the victim's shoes and socks.

Yuffie: She must've forgotten her boots and socks with me.

>	"Cloud! You're alive!" shouted Tifa before she crashed into him, wrapping her arms around 
>his neck. 
>	Cloud remained silent, disentangling himself from Tifa's embrace, then backing away to a 
>more neutral distance. 
>	"Cloud! What's wrong?" 

Gillberg: Here comes the a-hole and totally OOC sentence for Cloud.

A-kun: Yeah, the scene that anyone who's actually played the whole game would've never written.
Well, unless they found a cheat code to save Aeris.

>	"You shouldn't have come after me, Tifa. I told you that I was looking for Aeris." 
>	"Did you find her?" 
>	"Yes. She's with me now." 
>	"Where?" 
>	"I can't explain. I have to leave." 
>	"Let me come with you." 
>	"No, I want to be alone with Aeris." 
>	"Cloud! I love you, ya dummy!" 
>	"I don't love you, Tifa. We're not playmates in Nibelheim anymore. I've found my true 
>love, and it's not you." 

A-kun: [to the Author] Look, Dipwad, She's The Oldest Friend Cloud Has Ever Had.  She's Stayed 
With Him Through Thick And Thin.  She Saved Him After He Lost His Mind.  He's Not Just Going To 
Toss A Friendship Like That Away, Even For True Love.  Besides, Maybe She Wouldn't Mind Having 
Tifa Around.  She's A Nice Girl.

>	"Cloud, don't say that!" sobbed Tifa, her eyes brimming with tears. 
>	"Good bye, Tifa. Don't follow me anymore," said Cloud before he turned his back on Tifa 
>and walked into the thick trees surrounding the city. 

?????: So, after eight or so years of friendship, Cloud's just going to give up on his 
friendship.  Forever.

A-kun: If I Weren't So Busy, I'd Write An Answer To This Fanfic.

>	Tifa stared after Cloud, her tears dripping down her soiled cheeks. She sniffled loudly, 
>then wiped her eyes with the back of her right hand. 
>	"Tifa!" exclaimed Nanaki from the flyer he rode within. 
>	Tifa looked up at the red cat crouched in the tiny flyer's cockpit with Hikaru, then 
>laughed painfully, her grief forgotten for now. Hikaru waved the flyer's wings up and down and 
>began a long descent to pick up the lone girl. 

Yuffie: Then again, Tifa just forgot about Cloud, the one man she's been searching for.

>
>	***
>
>	"Help!" yelled Barret from the large spider web that held him trapped. 
>	A giant black spider slowly descended towards him, its mandibles dripping with poison and >drool.

TharzZzDunN: [redneck spider] Huh-huh-huh-huhhuuuuh-huhuh, you'll make a real per-ty carcass.  Huh-huuuh-huh-huh-huhuh-huh-huh... SQEUAL LIKE KENNETH STAR!

> Barret tried to move his gun arm, but the appendage was stuck fast. Barret watched the 
>spider's inexorable approach, cursing under his breath that he had ever left Marlene to chase 
>after that idiot Cloud.

A-kun: Idiot Is Right.

?????: A-kun, I can't stand it.  Fix your voice.

A-kun: What About It?

?????: You've been talking in that manner for a while now.

A-kun: Let's See.... like that?  [????? nods]  Good.

> Barret grimaced as the spider landed on his upraised arm, then stared when a large shuriken 
>flashed out and cut the spider in two. Spider guts and ichor splashed on Barret's face, making 
>him sputter and cough to clear the goo from his mouth. Yuffie recovered her Conformer, then 
>rubbed the back of her neck gently. 

Yuffie: Yuffie Kisaragi is here.  This story can have a happy ending after all.

?????: Thank the Kamis.  I thought there'd be a lemon-rape scene between Barrett and the 
spider.

A-kun: EEWWW! ?????!

?????: Well, come on!  Everyone who's been introduced, save Marlene and Cid, has gotten laid.

>	"Bout time someone showed up! Cut me out of here!" 
>	"Don't be so impatient," Yuffie grinned. "What do I get?" 
>	"Don't play with me, you little tramp! I've had a really bad day! Get me out!" 

Yuffie: TRAMP?!  I'm not Hikaru, pal.

>	"I'm sure we can negotiate some kind of exchange. You scratch me, I scratch you," giggled 
>Yuffie while she stalked towards a cringing Barret. 

Yuffie: [O_O]  I.... Barrett...... [begins shaking]

A-kun: Yuffie, Yuffie!  I'm sure they meant that it was going to be an exchange of help for Materia.  Remember Materia?  Good Materia.  Goooood.

	[Yuffie is finally soothed back to rational thought.]

>
>      ==== 
>
>	EPILOGUE

Gillberg: Oh, right.  The dying girl thing.

>	Cloud knelt at the side of the coughing girl, wiping the sweat from her deathly pale 
>brow. The girl's mother was gone, scrounging for food and something to sell in the garbage 
>piles that were once the homes and shops of Midgar.

A-kun: HEY!  I thought the city was restored!

Gillberg: Apparently not.

?????; Come on, it takes a while for a city to get back on it's feet.

A-kun: But first of all, except parts of Shinra HQ, no homes were damaged in the Meteor
incident.  Thus, all the homes are fine.  With the building of some apartment complexes,
there should be enough housing in the city to shelter everyone.

> The girl's eyes fluttered, the whites 
>showing as her breathing grew weaker and weaker.

A-kun: I'd kill this Cloud if I could reach him.

> Cloud stroked the girl's shoulder length 
>brown hair, then he slowly withdrew the soul materia from his belt pouch. The small orb 
>nestled in Cloud's palm brightened as he moved it closer to the dying girl's body. He gently 
>placed the materia between the young girl's budding breasts, then backed away from her.

?????: [Materia] DOO-DOO-DOOT!  We're sorry, but the Soul Materia you have attempted to use is
no longer in service.  Please check your materia and try again.

TharzZzDunN: You know, she could've saved even more time by just activating her second clone
like Friend Computer suggested.  You trust Friend Computer, don't you?  IT'S SO KAWAAIIIII!
WARK!  WARK!  WARK!

Yuffie: HEY!  Watch your language, Wark-boy.

TharzZzDunN: Oh, now I'm Wark-boy.  Ugh, I'm scarred for life!

> The 
>materia flared with eye-searing white light, surrounding the bed-ridden girl's limp body. She 
>gasped faintly, then closed her eyes. 

?????: Looks like it failed.

Gillberg: Too bad.

A-kun: Looks like the Quest for Aeris was a flop, just like the story.

>	Healing Mako energy

Yuffie: Excuse me, but it was a SOUL TRANSFERENCE MATERIA, NOT A FUCKING MIRACLE MATERIA!

?????: Then again, it was a one-shot materia.  It's kinda like how Life and Life2 restore you
to life and heal you at the same time.

	[Yuffie growled in frustration.]

?????: But, still.  It's not fair to steal life from someone else, just so you can be satisfied.

> poured into the girl's flesh, restoring its youthful sheen and vitality. The materia 
>disappeared with a flash, consumed from its use. Cloud reached out to take the girl's limp 
>right hand, stroking the warm skin lovingly. The girl's eyes slowly opened--Aeris' eyes. She 
>turned to stare at Cloud, her expression filled with love. 

A-kun; I hope she's happy.  She's destroyed four lives in this whole incident.

Gillberg: Who's lives would those be?

A-kun: First, Tifa's life and any hope of her and Cloud together ever again.  Second, Jenova's,
but we don't really care about that one.  Thirdly, the young girl whose body she's stolen for
her own greedy and base desires.  Lastly, she's destroyed Cloud's life.  Cloud could've been
perfectly happy if she hadn't fallen for her baser desires and fucked him rather than telling
him to return to Tifa.

>	"Aeris?" asked Cloud tentatively. 

Yuffie: [girl] No, Sephiroth, who did you expect?

TharzZzDunN: [girl] No, Cloud, it's me, Cait Sith.  [Cloud] You mean... I made it... with a 
moogle?!  BLEAH!

>	"Yes, beloved. I'm back," smiled Aeris, her happiness filling the dreary room with the >warmth of a newborn star. 

Gillberg: So she torched the place?

A-kun: The Soul Transfer Materia must not have worked properly.

>	THE END
>      ~~~~~~

?????: Thanks kamis.

A-kun: Okay, opinions.

?????: This was the biggest load of crap that I've ever read.  Yuffie, Jenova, Tifa, Vincent, 
Nanaki, Cloud, Aeris and even Barrett are used as puppets for the amusement of the Author 
alone.  If this was supposed to be a story, it failed in every aspect.  I was always ten steps 
ahead of the Author.

Yuffie: I have to say that everyone is distorted in the worst possible ways.  The Author 
blantantly ignores various facts, like my Ninja heritage and the fact that Jenova doesn't USE 
Mako or spells.

Gillberg: And the sex scenes were mostly focused on making it filthy.  For Megami's sake, try
to add some actual emotion into it.  And the blantant alteration of materia's use.  Disgusting.

A-kun: And the way that Aeris first says she's dead, THEN she knows of a way to return to life.

?????: I give it a 1 for accuracy and a grudging 8 for originality.

Yuffie: I give it a 0 for character development.

Gillberg: I give it a 3 for sex.

A-kun: And I give it a 6 for substandard continuity.

TharzZzDunN: I have to object to the score on originality.  Come on, it's a story older than 
time.  I mean, come on, Author has no ideas.  Author resurrects old villains.  I mean, my gawd, 
doesn't anyone else read Marvel comics some time in their dark, distorted past?

?????: Hmmm, you're right.  I'll give it a 0 for originality then.

Gillberg: To end the evening on a much higher note, here's a clip of me punching Nakago last week.

A-kun: I thought you punched him during a drinking game.

Gillberg: Well, I wanted to punch him again.  It felt so good.

		[Scene: Nakago strutting down the hallway in his full armor.
		Suddenly, Gillberg steps out from an adjoining corridor and
		with a mighty swing of his fist, punched Nakago in the gut.
		Nakago went down, a HUGE dent in his stomach armor.  Gillberg
		kicked Nakago in the head.]

		Gillberg: Insensitive PRICK!

		[Gillberg storms off as Nakago begins to whine like the big
		baby he is.]

Yuffie: Who made this?

Gillberg: It was some small-time production studios called 'Lucasfilm' and 'Pioneer'.  They 
probably fell off the map, right?  Right?  Hey, why's everyone looking at me funny?  Oh, here's 
another one.

		[Scene: Nakago strutting down the hallway in his full armor.
		Suddenly, Gillberg steps out of a nearby room, runs up to
		Nakago and stuffs a gun in his stomach.]

		Gillberg: NAKAGO! *BLAM*

		Faithful Servant: LOOK OUT!  HE'S GOT A GUN!

		[Gillberg runs off.]

A-kun: You friggin' copycat!

Gillberg: Yeah, but who's gonna sue?

A-kun: That's enough for tonight.

=============================================

	Well, this story was 23 pages long when we printed it out in it's entirity.  If you want 
to read it, go find PJ's homepage.  You can find a link via Sakura's lemon page at 
http://anime.muck.com/~sakura/

	Good night.

	A-kun
	?????

	If you want to reach the authors, send your message to akun15@hotmail.com
	Flames will be dissected and laughed at.

A-kun: We now end with Gillberg's fifty-two gun salute.

		Gillberg: NAKAGO! *BLAM**BLAM**BLAM**BLAM**BLAM*
		Gillberg: GENDO! *BLAM**BLAM**BLAM**BLAM**BLAM*
		Gillberg: KAJI! *BLAM**BLAM**BLAM**BLAM**BLAM**BLAM**BLAM**BLAM**BLAM**BLAM**BLAM*
		Gillberg: TENCHI! *BLAM*
		Gillberg: AEKA! *BLAM*
		Gillberg: SASAMI! *BLAM* Oops, gotta aim lower. [runs away without shooting her.]
				(Sorry, but she's too cute to shoot.)
		Gillberg: LARGO! *BLAM* ..... Sorry. *BLAM**BLAM*
		Gillberg: PYRON! *BLAM* Gotta aim higher.  *BLAM*  There.
		Gillberg: DMITRI! *BLAM**BLAM*
		Gillberg: KASUGA! *BLAM*
		Gillberg: JADE! *BLAM*
		Gillberg: SHAO KHAN! *BLAM**BLAM**BLAM**BLAM**BLAM*
		Gillberg: 55-C! *BLAM**BLAM**BLAM*
		Gillberg: CHIBI-USA! *BLAM**BLAM*
		Gillberg: CHIBI-CHIBI! *BLAM**BLAM**BLAM*
		Gillberg: MIAKA! *BLAM*
		Gillberg: TAMAHOME! *BLAM*
		Gillberg: RANMA! *BLAM**BLAM*
		Gillberg: AKANE! *BLAM*  Hmmmm... *BLAM**BLAM**BLAM**BLAM**BLAM**BLAM**BLAM*
		Gillberg: ZELGADIS! *BLAM* ....Um, please forget this ever happened. [runs away]
		Gillberg: XELLOSS! *BLAM* [Xelloss is now missing his entire torso]
		Gillberg: ODO! *BLAM*
		Gillberg: PICARD! *BLAM*
		Gillberg: RIKER! *BLAM*
		Gillberg: WESLEY! *BLAM**BLAM**BLAM**BLAM**BLAM**BLAM**BLAM**BLAM**BLAM**BOOM*
		Gillberg: QUINCY! *BLAM**BLAM**BLAM**BLAM**BLAM**BLAM**BLAM*
		Gillberg: SHAMPOO! *BLAM**BLAM**BLAM**BLAM**BLAM* That's it, I'm aiming for the
				heart next time. [runs off.]
		Gillberg: SHASTI! *BLAM* Missed, darn it! *BLAM**BLAM**BLAM**BLAM**BLAM* There.
		Gillberg: HERB! *BLAM*
		Gillberg: SAFFRON! *BLAM*
		Gillberg: SHANG TSUNG! *BLAM**BLAM**BLAM**BLAM*
		Gillberg: SERENA! *BLAM*
		Gillberg: RINI! *BLAM*
		Gillberg: DARIEN! *BLAM*
		Gillberg: MINA! *BLAM*
		Gillberg: RAYE! *BLAM*
		Gillberg: LITA! *BLAM*
		Gillberg: A-KUN! *BLAM* Um, sorry.  I hope you don't dock my pay for this.
		Gillberg: TharzZzDunN! *BLAM**BLAM**BLAM**BLAM**BLAM**BLAM**BLAM**BLAM**BLAM**BLAM*
				*BLAM**BLAM**BLAM**BLAM**BLAM**BLAM**BLAM**BLAM**BLAM**BLAM**BLAM*
				*BLAM**BLAM**BLAM**BLAM**BLAM**BLAM**BLAM**BLAM**BLAM**BLAM**BLAM*
		Gillberg: KAGATO! *BLAM**BLAM**BLAM**BLAM**BLAM**BLAM*
		Gillberg: ALPHA CENTAURI! *ZARK*
		Gillberg: STARTING LINE-UP FOR THE 1976 PHILDEPHIA FLYERS! *BLAM*
		Gillberg: CHICHIRI! *BLAM**BLAM**BLAM**BLAM*
		Gillberg: XELLOSS! *BLAM* Oh yeah, already killed you.
		Gillberg: LORD RAPTOR! *BLAM**BLAM**BLAM*
		Gillberg: PANTHER ZORA! *BLAM**BLAM**BLAM**BLAM*
		Gillberg: SETSU- where did she g-*BLAM* OW! [runs away.]
		Gillberg: BATMAN! *BLAM*
		Gillberg: JOKER! *BLAM*
		Gillberg: SUPERMAN! *BLAM*
		Gillberg: Wonder- WHOA MOMMA!  Sorry, sorry.... [runs away before she can beat him
				up.]
		Gillberg: WUITZIL! *BLAM*
		Wuitzil: This attempt at humor is not-
		Gillberg: WUITZIL! *BLAM*
		Wuitzil: UGH! *THUD*
162 rounds were discharged. (Ridiculous isn't it?)

    Source: geocities.com/tokyo/island/3968/MST

               ( geocities.com/tokyo/island/3968)                   ( geocities.com/tokyo/island)                   ( geocities.com/tokyo)