The three gods looked down at their chosen champion. True, he was mentally unstable, but he had a certain genius, and the right amount of malicious intent. Now, with their aid, he had the one thing that would tip everything in his favor.

First, though, he needed to ensure certain people didn't get directly involved in the upcoming conflict...

Soun shuddered as he finally left the room, Genma's screams of agony only reaching the doorway and going no further. Greylle was poignantly ignoring the screams as well as he closed the door. Soun was thankful that losing his gained weight hadn't taken as long as he'd feared, but he was more thankful that Genma had shown up near the end of his 'rehabilitation', as the girls were considering stuffing Soun so they could try another process.

Soun truly felt sorry for his friend, but nothing short of his daughters could get him to go back into that infernal room.

After all, even his friendship with Genma had it's limits.

The world news was something that had never really interested Nabiki, but the whole kidnapping issue in the U.S. had forced her out of hiding. After all, Ranma needed his P.R. expert at his side to make sure the public's opinion didn't turn on him. She'd finally found a peaceful moment in a study with some rather nice chairs and a toasty warm fireplace.

Ranma, for his part, was actually following Nabiki's advice rather well, and it showed in the fact that very few papers had anything bad to say about him. There were suspicions, but since Ranma was working with law enforcement above and beyond what was expected, so the end result was a positive opinion.

The investigation itself was not turning out well at all. So far, only one percent of the missing people had been found, and they'd been kidnapped by non-keepers. The keeper in Minnesota, Nathaniel, was giving regular reports to the police and had agreed to be monitored, in exchange for a deal with Bandai & Nintendo.

Nabiki set down the paper and reflected on recent events. The best thing she'd discovered about her position was the fact that, thanks to a magical amulet she'd been given, she'd gained the ability to translate verbal and written languages. The amulets were generally kept for diplomats and ambassadors, and seeing that Nabiki technically was a diplomat, she'd been given one.

However, Cerl's attempts to get closer were still plaguing her mind. The most she could do to get her mind off of it was to focus on something like the investigation into the missing people.

"Nabiki."

But it seemed that issue was finally being forced. Nabiki looked up to see Cerl, fully clothed and without the overly lustful look in her eyes.

"I'd like to talk." Cerl spoke up.

Nabiki was divided. Part of her wanted to flee before Cerl lunged at her, part of her wanted to hear what Cerl had to say, and the last part thought the chair was nice and comfy and didn't really wanna leave.

"All right." Nabiki said diplomatically.

Cerl sat down in the chair opposite of Nabiki and rubbed her hands apprehensively, "I know I've been rather... forceful these last few weeks. I wanted to apologize for that."

Nabiki nodded, indicating Cerl could continue.

"I also wanted to talk to about... the _possibility_ of us." Cerl continued, "I... I've been with people before, but that was generally during the war, and generally a one night stand sort of thing. I've never had a relationship that lasted much longer than that and I've never really been open with many people."

"Why?" Nabiki inquired, feeling as though it was the most pressing issue. If she could understand why Cerl wanted them together so badly, she could finally deal with the matter.

"Because... I wasn't really all that pleasant to look at." Cerl responded, pulling out a book and opening it to a bookmarked page. She handed the open book to Nabiki, "That's what my mother looked like."

Nabiki stared at the image. It was like looking at a female centaur, only the lower body was that of a spider instead of a horse. The female half was actually quite beautiful, but it's beauty was marred with the hideous spider half.

"They're called 'Maidens', short for 'Maidens of the Nest'. They were a magical creation made by an evil wizard six hundred years ago, and they're only female. No male children were ever produced. I'm the last of our kind and I don't want any more children that have to go through life looking like that. So, Ranma agreed to let me have access to the alchemy labs to search for a cure. I'd found a cure that worked, but I would have to keep taking it forever, so I sought a more permanent fix, a way to be forever human. We met a few days before I finished the last potion to make my body permanently human." Cerl explained, looking embarrassed.

"But, why do you want to be with me?" Nabiki asked, closing the book.

"I've thought a lot about the feelings I had when I was buddying up with soldiers during the war. I know it was just lust or loneliness, not love, that brought me to them. When you helped me when I needed it, I... I felt something far greater than anything I've felt before. I believe it's love... and so, when I was finally human, I wanted to capture you, to make sure I never missed out on it," Cerl answered, sighing deeply, "and right now, I'm worried that I might have screwed it all up."

Nabiki thought. This was the first time she'd spoken with anyone about anything this important. To be honest, it was the first time she'd ever heard the word 'love' by someone outside of her family.

"To be honest, I haven't even dated since middle school, and I don't have much experience in this either." Nabiki replied, "Right now, I'm just... not sure about how I feel."

Cerl looked crushed, but she managed to keep her visible composure, "I understand."

Nabiki could only watch as Cerl hurried from the room and wonder if there _was_ a right decision or not.

Ranma was growing to hate distractions. At first, it wasn't so bad. Just an occassional side project, someone asking him to look into something, a quiet little mission.

Now, he was swamped with requests, both big and small. Apparently, kids were now treating Ranma as a full-time Santa Claus, asking him to beat up bullies, give them candy and dollies or the rare serious request to cure a family member's illness.

The biggest problem was that Ranma wanted to answer these requests himself. He wanted to tell the kids wanting candy and toys that he wasn't Santa, he wanted to show off for the kids who were being bullied, and he wanted to be the one to bring joy to a sad child in danger of losing someone they loved.

But things just couldn't work out that way. So, Ranma was finding himself delegating tasks. With major crime organizations now crippled thanks to scrying, he could delegate the bully issues to local cops, send his wizards and clerics to check on the loved ones and had employed over sixteen thousand people in various countries to answer the requests for candy and toys.

Even so, Ranma was finding himself frustrated with Keeper Nanami, who'd decided to make a social visit and from the looks of things, wanted to make it a LONG social visit. If he didn't know better, he'd swear the cloaked figure to Nanami's left had the same level of power as Horny, and seeing how there were some obvious differences, Ranma felt he shouldn't simply kick them out. Plus, there was the fact that Ludran, an almost perfect clone of Lundar, was sitting to Nanami's right. He had the same voice and magical capacity, but whether they were equals in intelligence had yet to be fully seen.

"Keeper Nanami, forgive my rude request, but would you kindly tell me what it is that you want to accomplish here?" Ranma inquired. He would have commented on how busy he was, but as Nabiki had told him, in the rare events that they could actually talk, telling others of your problems put them on the spot and for diplomatic reasons, should be avoided.

"I wanted to talk with you about a possibility of an alliance. I don't need this alliance for long. Truth be known, I'm simply waiting for my gate gem to recharge with solar energy so I can move on in my quest for home." Nanami explained.

For a moment, Ranma was confused, but then again, he had no reason to test the gate gem's capacity for moving Harmonia to another dimension, since he'd gotten it right the first time. He sent a magical message to some of his warlocks so they could look into it.

"Very well. So long as you don't attack anything on this world, I have no qualms with an alliance." Ranma responded.

"Then we have an alliance." Nanami said, standing.

Both Keepers were nervous as they shook hands, but when it ended with no surprise attacked, Nanami, her mystery friend and Ludran opened a portal back to their realm and left. Ranma double-checked the land he'd claimed already and confirmed that they were nowhere to be found.

But he didn't trust her as far as an ant could throw her. Everything smelled like a setup. He alerted the king to declare an increase in security and sent messages to the thieves and rogues to keep an eye out for anyone suspicious.

Akane didn't know why or how, but the mistresses, Kodachi and Ryoga all left in unison. And she was finally able to get off that damn wheel. Surprisingly, she didn't ache anywhere. Something must have healed her. Eager to be away when the mistresses and Kodachi returned, Akane dressed and fled the room as quickly as possible.

She started to relax once she saw daylight in a nearby window, but a pleasant smell filled her nose and she realized she was VERY hungry. She followed her nose and found a cafeteria of some sort. There were only three people in the hall, two of which were sitting behind a counter, and the third was-

"Akane Tendo?" Tatewaki Kuno inquired, standing up from where he was sitting, which just happened to be the closest end of the nearest table.

"Kuno?" Akane asked rhetorically. She now felt completely abandoned by both her luck and the gods. In just a few seconds, he was going to lunge for her and try to hug her.

"You look famished! Please, sit, and I'll acquire whatever you desire." Tatewaki said, motioning to the other side of the table.

Akane half-started from Tatewaki's actions. He was neither trying to glomp her nor babbling in prose nor was he acting as though he was the end all-be all of existance.

"Are you feeling o-" Akane began, before a wave of vertigo, brought on by hunger, sent her toppling forward.

She became aware of Tatewaki's strong arms as he caught her by the shoulders and held her upright. He directed her to a seat and helped her sit without so much as an attempt to grope her.

Before that really set in, she found herself digging into a rather delicious meal of fried fish, rice and clam miso soup. Without complaint, Tatewaki acted as her waiter, bringing her refills until she was full.

"Thanks." Akane whispered as she wiped her face off.

"It's no trouble at all." Tatewaki responded.

Akane felt like she'd fallen into a Twilight Zone spinoff. No way was Tatewaki that nice. He was always groping her, saying stupid things and being an interfering twit.

Perhaps it was the chemicals still running around in her brain from her hunger, but he seemed more handsome then usual.

"Come on, baby, you'll like it..."

That _lame_ line in and of itself was used by lots of guys, particularly the ones who tried to get further into the touchy-feely part of the relationship faster than their target wanted.

It was enough to make her ill. She'd heard from various sources that American men tried to use that line and the corresponding tactic more than any other country. This was, of course, a half-truth. American guys did use that line, but whether or not they used it more than guys from other countries was debatable.

Cerl wasn't the victim of said line or tactic. Oh, she'd been bothered by plenty of guys (and girls) since showing up at this U.S. nightclub, since apparently being blonde and alone in a nightclub was an open invitation. In fact, if it weren't for the fact that she'd decided to tag along with Nodoka and the Party Crew (that was what Nodoka called all of the girls who'd attended her party and begged her to do another), she probably wouldn't have even been outside of Harmonia.

It'd been a while since she'd been bothered by anyone, save the bartender, so she'd had plenty of time to watch and listen to the players and the lamers, the hip and the hopeless, the smooth and the brain-achingly awkward.

"Please, I'm REALLY not interested." came a very familiar voice.

Anyone who'd spent time around the movers and shakers of Harmonia knew THAT voice. Cerl turned to see Kasumi Tendo being menaced by some dark-haired guy in a stained and tattered uniform that indicated that he required a lot of protection, but got injured a lot... What had Penny called them? 'Jocks'?... anyway, this jock looked like the sort who thought his worn jersey and washboard abs were enough to get him sex from any female. And he'd chosen Kasumi.

The guy practically oozed self-importance and eventual-wife- beater at the same time. Worse, he'd pinned Kasumi by putting one arm against the wall next to her elbow, holding a 'fragile' cup filled with liquid in the other hand and was leaning towards her to promote any feelings of subservience. If she tried to walk around the open area, he'd "accidentally" spill the drink, allowing him to get his grubby hands all over her while he "cleaned up his mess" and possibly even strong-arm her into a bathroom or his car under the pretense of going to get the outfit cleaned. If she tried to duck under his other arm, he could move his arm to catch her by the breast, allowing him to pull her into an embrace that would look like he was simply holding onto a bashful sweetheart. And there was no way she could push him away or unleash a spell without possibly hitting someone else.

What she needed was someone to intervene. And Cerl had the guts and was inebriated enough to think she was the best choice to put this obnoxious dick in his place. Actually, she was more than a bit tipsy, she realized as she stood up, but she'd drunk more and been able to function fine.

"HEy ashhoooole." Cerl said, walking up to him.

She had a clever story all worked up. And she did accomplish what she set out to do, get rid of the guy. However, puking a half- digested lunch as well as two litres of unprocessed alcohol all over him then faint backwards onto the floor wasn't quite what she'd been expecting to do.

When she woke up, she had a hangover the size of King Reginald's entire stable. And she came to realize exactly WHY she'd been able to drink so much before. She'd had a much bigger body, and she hadn't done any serious "pain-killer" drinking since she'd ensured her human body was her permanent one.

To her surprise, she recognized the ceiling as that of a castle, which was odd, since she really hadn't slept in any castles in a long time... wait, what the hell was she thinking? All castle ceilings looked the same. In any case, her pillow was very comfortable.

"Oh, good, you're awake." Kasumi noted.

"Eh?" Cerl asked, her eyes tearing up as she somehow managed to sit up.

She then realized Kasumi's proximity, which was "very close". In fact, her head had been laying Kasumi's lap. When she realized this, Cerl's face flushed red, "AH!"

Suddenly, the sound of a distant bell came to reside in her head for about two minutes, which caused her to collapse out of sheer agony.

"Oh dear..." Kasumi sighed. Nodoka's hope that Cerl would be all right hadn't panned out.

Ranma appeared behind Kasumi, "What's taking you so long?"

Kasumi looked embarrassed, "Sorry, Ranma, I kind of forgot how to use this teleport wand Greylle gave me."

"Eh. I'll bring you guys back." Ranma said, raising a hand.

In a blink of an eye, energy surrounded Ranma, engulfing him and causing him to disappear.

"Huh. I guess even he can still make mistakes." Kasumi commented.

There was tension. No one wanted to admit it, but it did exist and it was anywhere that wasn't fully reveling in the many benefits of Harmonia's return. Ranma was both the source and focus of the tension. The media was mixed, many were supporting Ranma as King Reginald did, but others were stating that Ranma was "too good to be true" and that he may take over the world, which was ridiculous because Ranma could barely stand joint control of Harmonia, much less complete command of the world.

The dam of tension had finally broken when the various sections of the United States was suddenly seized by a massive force. The nuclear missile silos were deactivated and disassembled before any could be recovered or even launched. Of the fifty thousand nuclear missiles hidden in the United States, ninety percent were now being dismantled by the enemy, including seventy missiles which were hiding in air bases.

Their leader, Xanus, appeared on every screen in the world, including computer screens, clock radio faceplates and unplugged televisions; making a firm decree of what had happened and that they were already seizing the remaining nuclear missiles.

And that was, for the most part, the truth.(1) Fifty U.S. and Soviet nuclear submarines were found on a California beach, half disassembled with their crews intact, but injured, dazed and confused. Most of the submarines could be reassembled and brought back to sea, but all of them had been stripped of their nuclear munnitions.

Russia, the main portion of the former Soviet Union, even found that their hidden nuclear missile construction facilities had been compromised, all of the uranium and plutonium was missing. Even China and Korea found themselves minus the few nuclear missiles they'd created.

The major powers of the world were suddenly staring at a Dungeon Keeper who now controlled every nuclear missile in the world.

Panic was rampant.

And that was before the shit really hit the fan.

When maids gossiped, it was a fairly good idea to listen in, especially when one wanted to learn of possible secrets. Lundar had learned this long ago. He'd placed magical marks in areas that maids liked to congregate in and had several self-inking Pen Golems (a creation of his own making) write down any gossip spread. Oftentimes, it was material good only for a chuckle, but there had been a few interesting subjects brought up lately. He'd since increased the number of listening points and Pen Golems, but he was largely limited by the fact that he didn't want others to know of his prying ears.

One point of dispute amongst the maids was Keeper Ranma's future wife. It was a matter Lundar wanted to bring up with Ranma, as the kingdom and even the world wanted stability in the life of the most famous and powerful man in the world, even if it was in such a minor way. However, things had been so busy and Lundar was sure that Ranma wanted the other Keepers finished before they went ahead with that.

Next was the secret that Cerl had kept. Lundar, Ranma and Horny were the only ones to see her prior to capture, Maidel and Melissa had been the only other ones to see afterwards.

And Cerl liked it that way.

The third choice of topic was the fate of Akane Tendo. Ever since the mistresses had brought her down to the torture chamber, no one else, not even Ranma, was willing to go down there. Ranma had said his reason was "that lunatic gymnast", but he HAD gone down there with that Hibiki fellow.

The last one was following Hibiki. Apparently, the lad had become an object of lust in the short time he'd been seen, and it would be surprising to people of other nations (but no one from Harmonia) that the maids were willing to have a Mistress as a... well, mistress. Of course, since he'd been missing for almost as long as Akane Tendo, it was probably going to be a while before the lad could stand.

Lundar turned away from the writing golems and returned to a book he'd stumbled upon concerning Haromina's earliest days. It was the one Reginald had found that led him to believe that Harmonia was originally from Earth, or at least, another dimension.

However, Reginald had only perused the book. Lundar was READING. And he was beginning to find a number of disturbing facts about the Dungeon Hearts.

In the beginning, they had not been vessels of evil and darkness, as they had been viewed by Harmonia's residents prior to Ranma's appearance. In fact, they'd once been a weapon of the Light Gods to ferret out the Dark Gods where they hid.

It was on Mount Olympus, high above even Skybird Trill, which was once the Throne of Atlantis, that the original Dungeon Heart was made and it had a particular power over the other Dungeon Hearts. However, when King Oberon died, the Dungeon Hearts' evolved into their current form and their users were able to move more freely...

Lundar was probably one of the very few who took notice of the fact that it did not say anything about the original heart being destroyed, only that Oberon died.

And that meant...

"RANMA!!!" Lundar yelled, running out of the room faster than a man his age should have been able to.

//LUNDAR!!!// came an angry telepathic roar.

Lundar found himself in the Dungeon Heart's room, only the Dungeon Heart wasn't present...at least not in the sense that it had been before. The Dungeon Heart had appeared as a pulsing membrane in a small pit surrounding by three archways for so long that Lundar didn't recognize it's original form.

The Dungeon Heart's original form was a massive hourglass-shaped jar that was easily wider in diameter than it's membrane had been. Inside the jar was a swirling massive of red and blue energy that now made up Ranma Saotome.

//What the _FUCK_ is this?!// came Ranma's telepathic snarl from inside the jar.

"The original form of the Dungeon Heart." Lundar said in an apologetic voice, "Forgive me, Keeper, but it's been so long that I've really seen it. In fact, I haven't seen it since the first year after Keeper Davan's campaign against the Avatar."

//Say what?// came Ranma's less than pleased thoughts.

Lundar explained what he'd just learned about the origin of the Dungeon Hearts, and even brought the book to read to Ranma, "...the original Dungeon Hearts imprisoned their users to ensure that they would stay committed to their tasks. King Oberon's was different, 'appearing as the membrane of a heart surrounded by three archways'... it's my guess, Ranma, that the two forms indicate whether the user is a master or a slave. King Oberon's Dungeon Heart was never made to directly control another, but it can force your heart back into the form of a slave's, thereby preventing you from devastating your foes as you did during the war."

//What the hell am I supposed to do now?! I had several interviews, President Clinton wanted to see me PERSONALLY, and I wanted to- oh, wait.// Ranma stopped his ranting to move Kasumi and Cerl from America to Harmonia, specifically into a quaint hotel in Sing Song.

"I can act as a messanger, but I'm afraid that you'll simply have to abdicate any duties requiring you to move about physically." Lundar explained.

Ranma fumed, then glanced at a nearby Chibi-Ranma. Maybe with an illusion spell, he wouldn't HAVE to abdicate.

"Ranma?" Lundar inquired.

//I think I have a solution. Lundar, until further notice, i.e. I'm free again, this room is now off limits to EVERYONE, including King Reginald.// Ranma explained, //If anyone asks, tell them I'm worried about one of my enemies attacking.//

Lundar nodded. In an instant, he was back in the courtyard of Castle Harmonia.

Ukyou ran up to the advisor, "Lundar, did you hear?! Some high- powered Keepers are at war in America! I'm going to go tell Ranma!"

"Uh-" Lundar began.

"No need, I'm right here." Ranma answered as he appeared next to Lundar.

"Keeper?" Lundar asked in a low tone.

Ranma's telepathic answer, //I'm using an illusion spell and possessing an imp.//

Lundar blinked. That would certain solve MOST of the problems, but not all of them, "What should we do about America?"

"First thing to do is find out what the hell is going on. I've already pulled back everyone in America. I've got to-" Ranma began.

Suddenly, he jerked and fell, a hole through his torso. Lundar and Ukyou stared in horror at Ranma's fallen body, when he suddenly stood back up, bullet wound healed, and turned to glare at the helicopter that was rapidly retreating.

"Oh no, you don't." Ranma growled.

A fiery explosion engulfed the helicopter, surprising even Ranma, who hadn't even began to retaliate.

"I think someone wants you dead, Keeper." Lundar murmurred.

"Obviously, since that someone just went to great lengths to make sure I couldn't capture their sniper." Ranma responded.

(1) - The complete truth was that they'd already dismantled all of the bombs before broadcasting.

Short chapter, I know. I apologize, but this series is rapidly reaching 'closure'. I'd originally planned more with Keeper Nanami, but I'm going to toss her a mess of problems of her own.

In Chapter 17: Keeper vs. Keeper!
Keeper Nathaniel & Keeper Xanus vs the Mystery Keeper!
Harmonia Invaded!
And An Enemy No One Quite Expected!

"What if you could take this wagon, this pegasus and this portal and see all sorts of hot young dominatrixes willing to convert the shit right out of you? Well, on the new video, Mistresses Gone Wild, you can! Hosted by Nodoka Saotome, these leather-clad babes are willing to bare it all for the camera!"

"Who Wants To Marry The Invincible Reaper?"

"On the final episode of Jackass, everyone involved in the production of this series dies during an accident involving fifty Bile Demons and a spicy taco buffet, which was intended to be a 'who farts the worst' contest."

"Today, Fear Factor has declared a ban on Trolls and Goblins, forever preventing them from entering further episodes after their fifteenth straight victory. They have, however, begun pitches for a spinoff series exclusively for Goblins and Trolls, called 'Kawaii Factor', where the contestants must compete to see who can handle 'Kawaii' the best. In other news, several US tabloids have ominously stopped all production and closed their doors after showing fake images of Keeper Ranma doing explicit embarrassing things. The CEO of the Star only had this to say, 'No more. Even if they ever find where my kneecap landed, I'm not producing or endorsing this **** anymore!'. So far, the only publication to have made fun of Keeper Ranma and stayed in production was The Onion, a fact that Hermann T. Zweibel is dang proud of."

Five words: "Kids Next Door, Battle Stations!"

Horny refused to show up on set and was replaced by a robotic version of Kim Possible.

Rei Ayanami stared. Asuka Sorhyu Langely stared. Misato Katsuragi stared. Shinji Ikari stared.

Watching the fifty story tall 7th Angel Israfel get lifted by an 8 foot tall demon and piledriven into submission was too bizarre for words.

"The piledrivers were my idea!" Ritsuko Akagi said proudly, doing her level best to ignore Maya Ibuki, who was pulling the strings on the blonde scientist's thong bikini.

"Hey, Shigeru, ever notice how, since Maya found that damn Dungeon thingy, all of the females have to wear string bikinis and let her fondle them? I wonder why that is..." Makoto Hyuga inquired.

The Comms Officer, Shigeru Aoba, groaned inwardly at the density of his friend's skull, "That's because she's now a non-replaceable asset and she likes girls."

"Huh. I like girls too. We have so much in common... I wonder if I should get up the courage to ask her out..." Makoto murmurred.

Shigeru felt like punching Makoto in the back of the head for wanting to make a move on Maya, who, from the way Ritsuko was now doing her level best to ignore Maya's nose nuzzling it's way into her cleavage, was very clearly a lesbian. If she'd been even bisexual, the guys in NERV would have a new dress code as well.

"I just wonder how Commander Fuyutsuki can still do the Mexican Hat Dance, even though it's been a week since Commander Ikari resigned." Shigeru noted, looking at the new director and commander of NERV, who was amid his 20767th consequetive hat dance, still eating salsa and cheese-drenched nachos, drinking tequila and letting out "YEEEEHAAAAWW"s of joy, just as he had the first day.

"I'm more worried about the fact that I have to wear this one- piece school swimsuit that says, 'Not Yet, Still Jailbait' on it." Asuka commented.

"It disturbs me as well." Rei noted, glancing down at her own labeled one-piece swimsuit.

Misato just fumed, although, if one were to speculate from her behavior, which surrounded the fact that she only got angry when Maya was visibly molesting Ritsuko, she was either jealous of the attention Maya was getting or angry that MAYA got to molest Ritsuko.

Shinji, having nothing to complain about, wisely kept his mouth shut, although when he checked his locker and found the leather miniskirt, he got worried....

I wanted to throw in another line that would have been funny, but it would require you all to have seen up to Neon Genesis Evangelion Episode 24.

Got something to add to this feature? Want to write a mini- story of how horrible these ideas might be?