Misa Ryuuguu
(My myanimelist.net Profile. Image gallery below!)
Who is Misa Ryuuguu?
Misa Ryuguu is an original character concept for Higurashi no Naku Koro ni.
Well...okay, that's half right. I didn't actively come up with the character,
rather, I had a really, really vivid dream one night that conjured her up out
of my subconscious, somehow. It was such a deep, touching dream that I felt I
had to bring the character to life, so I went ahead and did just that, with
some spare parts I had from the Higurashi 07th expansion trading figures, and a
new paintjob. That's her, up there on the right. (For the record, that's Rika's
head, hair, and legs; Satoko's dress, and Rika's bell collar, which fits
suprisingly well on Satoko's body, even though it wasn't designed to go there.
The hair, dress, ribbon, and shoes were repainted.) For anybody who might have
an interest in original character concepts (you flatter me greatly for your
interest), what follows is how that dream unfolded, as I remember it quite
vividly.
I remember going to bed after completing the second series with a sad desire to
wish I could help everybody, even though the story ended well (even after
seeing the end, the Kai episode "Termination" was really hard to
swallow for me). I guess my dreams decided to indulge me. I found myself thrust
into Hinamizawa, in a form that the main characters would be more likely to
trust. I would have been only about 4 years old in 1983--thankfully, the powers
that be decided to make me around Rika and Satoko's age instead, and I guess to
make me fit in better, I appeared as a girl...that stems from a different
subconscious wish that's been around for a longer time, though. I found myself
unceremoniously plopped down randomly in town one morning, with nothing but a
backpack and the clothes on my back (I don't recall what I was wearing; all I
know is, it must have been a pathetic sight, because I kept getting somewhat
remorseful stares from the older ladies wherever I went.) My assumption at this
time of day is that I should be in school, but having no idea how to get there,
I began to just wander the town randomly. I suppose I made for a sad sight,
because I began to feel lost and alone after a time.
Eventually, I encountered a small crowd of schoolkids on the way to class. They
were headed in exactly the opposite direction from me, giving me the hint I was
going the wrong way. When they came into view, I instantly recognized them as
Keiichi, Rena, Mion, Shion, Rika, Satoko, and Hanyuu. I decided to continue to
walk the wrong way, as this was going to send me nearly right through them, and
I knew I eventually had to meet up with them somehow. When I got close enough,
I was met with curious stares. I would later be told that everyone was
regarding me with a little suspicion. There were only fifteen or so school-age
kids in all of Hinamizawa, after all, meaning that they knew everybody in class
implicitly. It was obvious by my look that I was headed to class--the sudden
addition of a 'new kid' was certainly enough to throw them off a bit.
Before all that, however, and when I was too close to do anything about it, I
was met with something I should have seen coming. Before I could react, I was
in Rena's deathgrip, with "Kawaii desu ne, Omochikairii!" ringing in
my ears. It was a little flattering, really, that she found me cute, but that
thought only offset the lack of being able to breathe for a few seconds or so.
some of the others were chiding her a bit for smothering me, while others still
were chuckling about how easily I fell for that--she was taller, older, and
stronger than me, of course. I found her embrace to be comforting after the
worry I had been experiencing, but I was pretty much helpless to break free,
after I began to choke once or twice.
Of course, Rena finally let go, allowing me to sputter and hack a bit as she
rooted me in place with her hands firmly on my shoulders. By now, she looked
extremely excited (for obvious reasons), but the others, while acting friendly,
were still a bit uncertain about me. As far as I could tell, I was just dropped
here--no home, no friends, and no idea where I would be eating or sleeping that
night, so I admit, I did something a bit selfish. I bowed by head, blushed, and
strapped on the most pathetic, helpless face I could, before swallowing hard
and gazing back up at Rena. I called her by name, which caused everybody else
to become even more suspicious. I then sniffled a bit, told her I had nowhere
else to go, and said that if she really wanted to take me home for awhile, I
would be deeply grateful. I guess that was enough of a display for them to at
least allow me to walk along to school with the group, though to be honest, it
wasn't really a display. During the dream, I knew that I was an outsider,
essentially from another world, and I could easily 'cheat' because I knew the
entire story they were going through. As time passed, however, I began to
forget more and more of who I actually was, and those thoughts were being
replaced by the person I was now, who had no support structure and basically no
memories apart from a few minutes ago. I was becoming taken up in the
character, and I could feel a childlike level of worry, embarrassment, and fear
creeping up on me.
The conversation that passed on the way to class was of no real
importance--mostly introductions and friendly banter, as everybody took me at
face value and was kind enough to try to make me feel at home on my first day
at school. I recall Rika asking me with a slightly adult tone to her voice how
I knew Rena's name. I didn't want to lie, so I put on a display of falling
silent and looking like I was going to burst into tears from my previous sob
story until somebody changed the subject. Of course, I had to feign amnesia
about most things (even though I was rapidly feeling true amnesia), until I was
asked my name. I quickly rifled through a mental database of my favorite anime
characters, and came up with Misao Amano. I had long since played her as a
character on MUCKS, and I still remember old friends telling me that my
roleplay basically "is her", so I adopted the name. It sounded
believable, and there was no reason to question it.
School passed without incident, though I recall being quite embarrassed through
the entire ordeal, to the point that even Hanyuu seemed confident in
comparison. Though uncomfortable, I suppose this worked to my advantage, because
it made the others start to regard me in more of an 'innocent' light. I was
asked to stay for club activities afterwards, and since I was essentially at
Rena's mercy as to where I would be staying that night, I was obliged to to do,
and was grateful for them to have me. Though I hadn't planned it, I was happy
that it seemed I would be staying with her. Mion and Shion had one another,
Rika and Satoko had one another, and it would probably have been a bit odd for
Keiichi to bring home a young girl and ask his parents if she could stay for
awhile. I already knew that Rena didn't have anybody other than her father, and
I had always felt sad for her because of that. Maybe, I thought, I could lend
some companionship to her home life, if only for a time.
What traversed from this point was something of a fast-forward of the next two
weeks. Again, I cannot be sure, but I assume that since my mind already knew
what to expect, and a dream can only last so long, these events ended up in my
memories, but I didn't actually take part in their unfolding. I truly enjoyed
living in this place, and became fast friends with the rest of the group. I had
come to learn that the events that were unfolding were the last chapter of Kai,
so that many of my friends were starting to have certain memories awakened in
them from past tragedies. I'm not a confrontational person, and I don't like to
be on the "front lines", as it were, but I felt that I had to force
myself to be someone I'm not, or else I might never gain enough trust for everybody
to believe me. I was basically "cheating" after all--I knew what the
outcome would be, and I knew exactly what moves to make at what times. I
suppose I can chuckle a bit as I look back on it and comment that it would have
made for a pretty boring anime, but I hardly cared about that at the time--I
had a dear desire for everybody to be safe, and for events to unfold with as
little incident as possible. That was enough to drive me onwards.
I had been staying in Rena's room up until this point, and I would continue to
do so. It wasn't that the Ryuuguu house wasn't large enough to accommodate me,
it just happened that things came to pass that way. There was no reason for
them to keep a spare bedroom furnished up to this point, and since Rena
initially thought of me as a cute possession anyway, and had spent an
inordinate amount of time dressing me up in her hand-me-downs and taking
photos, I let her make the decision as to where I'd sleep. I was deeply
appreciative that she and her father had taken me in and were kind to me. I now
had a place to live, something to eat, and clothes to wear, so I felt that I
should be as accommodating to their respective wishes as possible. If Rena
wanted something to smother while she slept, I at least thought it would help
keep the condition of her fragile mind in check.
Rika was the most suspicious of me, and for good reason, since she and Hanyuu
had enough knowledge to notice the various faux pas I had been committing.
Using names I should not yet have known, having knowledge of people's pasts
that they hadn't shared with me--I had tried to be subtle, but I admit, I
suppose I was too proud of the knowledge I had to keep completely quiet, and
she was sharp enough to eventually call me out on it. Innocently, I was invited
to spend a night over their house at some point during the two weeks before
Watanagashi, and I kind've got the idea where the conversation was going to go
after Satoko fell asleep. I spent several hours in discussion with Rika and
Hanyuu, and I was grateful that I could finally come clean, and give them the
full truth of my situation. Of course, it was hard to swallow, but I used my
knowledge of past realities as proof. It was a difficult conversation, and
became emotional at points where I was forced to go into detail about previous
gruesome situations I had knowledge of, but I did the best I could to admit to
everything, and to be as honest as I could. Rika had been going through this
far longer than I had, and I felt I owed her everything she wanted to know. I
told her what was to come this time around, and I pledged my allegiance to help
everyone through it. Hanyuu believed me. I found out later that she had
something to do with bringing me here in the first place. Rika scolded her for
involving me, and I learned why Hanyuu had up until this point always been
quiet an apologetic around me. Gaining confidence, I told them that I was
deeply touched for having the opportunity to be a part of this, and that I
didn't hold anything against anybody.
Time marched on, and the events of the last chapter of Kai unfolded with even
less excitement and incident than in the anime. I began to feel worn down and
deeply exhausted as time went on, because I was overly concerned with every
little detail, and making sure everything went as well as possible. Of course,
the end came. July began, and things looked as though they would end happily
ever after. I tried to organize the situation while still staying far enough
out of the way so that everyone could fulfill the roles they were meant to, and
I let the credit be given to those who had originally earned it. I began to
become depressed in the days following, though I tried to hide this, to keep
the feeling of celebration from being ruined. It felt that since my purpose had
been served, I would probably be sent home soon, just as unceremoniously as I
had arrived. I didn't want to go. I recall asking Hanyuu if there was anything
she could do for me, but her reaction puzzled me. She helped to bring me here,
but she told me that she was surprised (though happily so) that I was still
here to begin with.
I suppose that my friends began to understand that something was wrong with me
in the days that followed. We had planned a celebration, but we decided to wait
until everyone who had taken part in the previous events was able to attend,
including Akasaka and Ooishi. People began to become somewhat somber around me,
and though I didn't really feel like responding to it, I noticed that everybody
was being overly nice to me.
Eventually, it came to pass that on a rainy day, I was sitting on the back
porch of the Ryuuguu residence, feeling foolishly sorry for myself. I had begun
to worry, as even I felt I was overreacting with depression--there were no
indications that I was going to be sent home. My mind was completely exhausted
from the effort I had put into helping everybody, and I even went as far as to
become afraid that I had somehow contracted Hinamizawa Syndrome, which could
explain my overabundance of negative thoughts. I felt a familiar presence and a
hand on my shoulder, and there was the reassuring smile of Rena sitting next to
me, with a nice glass of lemonade to enjoy. I had long since begun to call her
'nee-chan', but then, out of politeness, I had used that term to refer to all
of the girls that were obviously older than me. What followed was an extremely
difficult conversation. It was of no more use--I had been forcing myself to be
a type A personality for weeks, and I knew that any attempt to be this nice to
me in a private situation was going to cause me to break down, which it did. I
remember throwing my arms around her and bawling like a baby...I'm not even
sure what I was blubbering about in the beginning. Everything that I had forced
down began to come to the surface. Up until now, the only people who knew my
whole story were Rika and Hanyuu, but I had no ability to hide any of it
anymore. I told Rena everything I was thinking and feeling. I was scared that I
would suddenly be taken away from here, and I felt deeply sorry that I had been
shamelessly spending time living with her in a rather intimate fashion. We'd
shared a bed, baths, clothes--even though I had been a boy in my 'other life'.
I felt horrible for just enjoying all of this without giving her the
information she had a right to. I began to describe the person I really am to
her. I wasn't describing the person I had been before I came here, but rather,
the 'me' I am at my very core, the one that was being reflected in this small
body and childish demeanor. Trying to be strong for everybody else had pushed
me to my limit, and with tears in my eyes, I gathered some of her dress up in
my fists and begged her, as a "big sister" to take care of me. It was
a shameless thing to do, but I could no longer help myself.
I deserved a cruel reaction, but she didn't give me one. My face was buried in
her chest, but she extracted it and angled it up to look in my eyes--I had no
desire to resist her or complain, as I had been obliged to do whenever she got
that "cute attack" look in her eyes, and decided to wisk me off for
whatever purpose in the past. She asked me not to cry, and said that what was
important wasn't the person I used to be, but the person I was now--the only
one anybody here had ever known. I had earned a place in the village and among
my new friends. With a tear of her own, she began to talk to me about her past
(I already knew what she was going to say, but up until now, she hadn't trusted
me with the information, and I thought it unfair to make it obvious that I
already knew). She caressed my cheek and told her that it was as if she had her
own little sister now, somebody to look out for and take care of. That made her
feel like she had a purpose again in life, and it had done wonders to drag her
out of the funk her previous actions in Ibaraki had left in her mind. In a way,
we had discovered that we were in mutual need of one another, and we held each
other tightly, making promises about never leaving that I wasn't sure I could
keep.
I relished the freedom to come clean about everything, because I had a deep
desire not to want to keep secrets from anybody that had been so accepting of
me since my arrival. I asked her what she thought I should do, now that
everything was over. I imagined that she would never admit it, but surely, I
had to have become a financial burden on the household by this point. I was too
young to have any real earning potential, and I hadn't had the time to consider
maybe doing some odd jobs around the town, at least to help support my own weight
a little bit. That was when her father came out to see us. He sat down on the
other side of me, a touched glow in his eye from what he had overheard. I
didn't really know him that well, but I knew he was a good man, and I had
referred to him as "Otosan" out of respect. Appreciation for allowing
me to live there had caused me to do everything I could to make life easier on
him--from cleaning, to cooking, to making sure Rena didn't bring home too many
"treasures" from the trash dump all at the same time. He asked me a
shocking question, one I had no idea how to respond to, as he looked down on me
with a fatherly gaze. He explained that it had only been himself and Rena
living here for a long time now, and though they loved one another very much,
the house seemed somewhat empty. Since there was nothing keeping him from it,
he asked if I would consider formalizing the terms I had used to refer to the
both of them, and offered to adopt me. I glanced back at Rena, who had a
knowing smile on her face--apparently, she already knew this was coming (which
would make sense, for him to talk to his actual daughter before taking on
another one). I was touched beyond the point of words, and I of course
accepted. After a tearful interlude, we passed a pleasant afternoon, talking
about making more permanent lodging accommodations for me, and general pledging
to be loving family to one another.
For the sake of a dream, time passed again, and it came that tying up the loose
ends behind the scenes had taken much longer than expected. It was approaching
the new year, and we still hadn't been able to get everybody together to have a
proper victory celebration. I had by now revealed the truth about myself to all
of my friends, and was delighted that they continued to accept me--though I
would never escape the occasional joke about having formerly been a boy. I
suppose I had a unique perspective because of that, though, and I was not
without my own playful jabs here and there. When my adoption was formalized, I
of course took the name Ryuuguu--my affection for my new family made me proud
to do so. Of course, since there was no record of my birth, I had no formal
identification, so it was left up to me to choose my own given name. I didn't
want to make things difficult for those that had gotten used to calling me
Misao, but at the same time, I felt a tinge of remorse for shamelessly
borrowing a name that wasn't mine, from a character that I was sure existed in
another reality. I decided to go with "Misa"--it was an easy change
for everybody, and I thought it sounded pretty. By now, I regained a full
memory of who I used to be, but everything about my past had been turned on its
ear. Misa Ryuuguu was who I was, now--that other person, though I knew all
about him, was no more real to me than all of this could be considered to
somebody who was merely watching an anime.
Despite all of the wonderful things that had occurred, I was still a bit
uneasy. I understood enough about Hinamizawa Syndrome to know that it could
come back to haunt us at any time, since there still wasn't a cure, and I knew
for a fact that all of my friends were infected. One time after school, Rena
explained that she had to skip out of club activities because she was scheduled
for a check up at the clinic. Rena and Satoko had been the ones most in need of
regular treatments for the severity of their condition, so of course, everyone
understood, and even offered to go with her. she insisted that we stay and have
a good time, however, since it wasn't something she couldn't handle on her own.
I became stubborn, and insisted I was going with her, to see her to the clinic
and make sure everything was taken care of properly. I suppose I was
patronizing her by doing this. We began to have an argument as we walked
together--she insisted everything was fine, and I insisted that I wanted to be
with her regardless. When we passed the steps to the Furude shrine, she
snapped, grabbed me by the wrist, and threw me hard on my backside into the
stone stairs, glaring at me with that frightening look she sometimes adopts
when she's pushed too far. As always, I hadn't the physical strength to get in
her way whenever she decided to grab or otherwise move me, but she had never
before done so out of malice. She began to scold me, insisting that I was
insinuating that she couldn't take care of herself, and couldn't be trusted to
take her medication when left alone. The last thing I wanted was for her to
believe any of that, so rather than taking the conversation anywhere else, I
began to shiver and stare at my knees, even as the image of them began to
dilate with the watering in my eyes. It wasn't just a show for her benefit, but
it worked all the same, and the next thing I felt was her sitting next to me,
her arms gently around my head, apologizing for her outburst. I told her I
would always accept her, no matter what she did or how she treated me. After
all, we were both new to having a sister, and I knew she was unable to help her
outbursts. I told her that if she thinks I'm misbehaving, she has a right to
correct me as the elder sibling, but she promised she would never be so harsh
about it in the future. She wasn't always able to keep that promise in the
future, but I never once held it against her, even when I ended up with a
bruise or a sore rump on a rare occasion.
I knew there was one thing I had to do, yet. One thing that would make me
finally feel at ease, but before I hatched my plan, I went to talk to Rika and
Hanyuu again one evening. I swore to myself that this was going to be the end
of uncertainty, and was going to be sure that my friends knew everything I did.
My knowledge was in the past, now, but I sill felt somehow dirty for not
sharing with them the entirety of their own memories. When I first arrived in
town, there was only one thing...a single possession in my backpack--a copy of
the entire storyarc of the anime that spawned my desire to come to this place.
I had for a time forgotten about it, but I went to the two most knowledgeable
people in town and asked for their, thoughts, blessing, and permission to
gather everybody up and show the entire story to them, so that all of their
strange, dreamy memories might at least be available to them--as I thought was
their right. The concern that the shock might cause the symptoms of the disease
to resurface was discussed, but eventually it was decided that everyone's right
to their past was more important. After all, we had broken the repetitive chain
of June, so there was no reason to assume misfortune would befall us again.
That, and the both of them were tired of the burden of secrecy--I felt I could
relate to this, but probably not on as deep a level as they could.
Two nights before the New Year's party, everyone was gathered together at the
Furude shrine. A television was brought in, and I explained what was about to
transpire. I warned everyone in attendance that if even one of them didn't want
to see this, the rest of us would have to accept that, and I then would not
show it to anybody, as I knew that it would wound everyone on a deep emotional
level. The key adults in the story were present...even the Sonozaki elders were
in attendance. I did my best to make sure everybody understood that while
everything was about to be explained to them, nearly all of them were going to
have personal things about their lives exposed that they might not otherwise
want to have forcefully extracted. All the same, everybody surprised me with
their bravery, and a unanimous decision was made to keep personal information a
secret among this group, in return for all of them having the full truth.
We watched. Breaks were taken for various reasons, but mostly to either get
some fresh air, or for somebody to regain the fullness of a memory and either
cry, or beg forgiveness from somebody else. Though to varying degrees based on
personality, everybody was forgiving of everybody else, and a general sense of
strength kept anyone from holding a grudge for actions that some were able to
dismiss as being part of "another reality". Post viewing discussions
were long and deep, but hugs were exchanged amongst the young, and hands were
shaken among the adults, as hatchets were proverbially buried. It seemed like
doing this was the right decision.
When it was finally over, I asked Mion, Shion, Rika, Hanyuu, Satoko, Keiichi,
and my new big sister to linger. Something had changed in me lately, and I had
finally begun to understand why I wasn't going to ever be "going
home" (as if one could call it that--by now, this was my home). Emotions
were still high. I formally and sincerely apologized to all of my friends for
not bringing all of this to them sooner. They were, as dear friends are, quick
to forgive, but all the same, I proposed to them the only way I could come up
with that we could continue to beat the disease before a cure was developed. We
had to make a pact, between all of us, to forever always trust, believe in, and
be truthful with one another. It wasn't an easy thing to ask, as it essentially
meant that we had to be up front and honest between each other about all of our
feelings and emotions, even if it would be easier to just dismiss them. I told
them that I was trying to take the first step by making sure there wasn't
anything they didn't know about me or my knowledge. It was then that I chose to
reveal to them my bittersweet understanding. I admitted to everyone that in
past weeks, I had begun to feel oddly contented whenever Rika was nearby. When
it didn't seem like I was being understood, I closed my eyes, swallowed, and
asked my sister (who was sitting beside me) to brush back the hair over my
neck, while I turned my head in profile. Their was a slight red mark on my
neck. The stress I had been feeling on my emotions lately had caused me to
scratch a bit, and I knew that I would need to begin the twice daily abdominal
injection-treatments alongside my friends, to ward off the effects of my
newfound infection.
I heard Rena scream in horror, and I gazed up at her, to find her recoiled and
sobbing, staring at me as if she had seen a ghost. She began to blubber about
how this was somehow all her fault--that somehow, she hadn't been a good enough
big sister, and I was being punished for it. We all began to say whatever we
could to calm her, because everyone now knew what that line of thinking could
give rise to. As she had done with me, I took her cheeks in my hands and got up
on my knees to look into her eyes. I asked her if she was still willing to
trust and believe in me. She nodded weakly, and I gave her a gentle
kiss--whispering to her that this wasn't really a bad thing. After all, now I
had all the more reason to work with everybody towards a cure, and there was no
longer any reason for me to fear the future--surely now, it was clear that I
would never be leaving Hinamizawa. That was enough for all of us to swear a
pact of devotion to one another that night, and it later came to pass that we
would each wear at least one article on our persons at any given time, the bore
the simple lettering "T.B.T" for Trust, Belief, and Truth. If
paranoia ever gave us reason to doubt one another, we would all take out these
articles and remember what we had promised. I don't remember what each
individual used, but I had a black armband that I always wore under my sleeve,
and I believe Satoko had fashioned a pendant with the lettering, that she wore
under her dresses or blouses.
The New Year's party came, and with everything that needed to be said behind
us, we had quite a party, if I do say so (I don't think anybody was paying
attention as to who was drinking what). I recall wandering off to the fenced
overlook of the shrine grounds that gave a night's view of the entire town, and
marveling at the perfect, clear winter night. Rika was beside me, speaking at
this point only in her adult voice. She asked me why I had so desired to come
here in the first place--she knew what my answer would be, but she just wanted
to hear it, all the same. I felt I would do anything to transcend that old
reality and offer myself for everybody in this town, and I dearly hoped I could
continue to always live here--never being tempted away by the demands of
adulthood. I was a bit sad, then, to even have to acknowledge that we would all
grow up one day, but Rika only smirked, and stated that she changed her mind
about all that--about wishing she would grow up. I had no idea how to respond
to that, but when I looked at her, she had a look of wisdom in her eyes that
was far beyond anything I had ever seen before. She traced my cheek and placed
her hand over my heart, asking me to close my eyes. Something poured into me
then--I'll never know exactly what she did, but without words, I began to
smile, as she imparted volumes of understanding into my mind in a few seconds.
I had forgotten that Hanyuu is a God, and in return for all we had been
through, she had bestown upon us the greatest of gifts--time. This is what was
said, as I remember it clearly:
Rika: How old are you?
Me: Twelve. (At least, in my dream, that's how old Satoko and I were.)
Rika: When you have your birthday next year, how old will you be?
Me: Thirteen.
Rika: And what will people say to you on that day?
Me: They'll congratulate me for becoming a teenager.
Rika: Correct. On the day after your next birthday...how old will you be?
(It was almost as if she had me in a trance, the way I just followed along with
her.)
Me: Twelve.
Rika: And what will people say to you on that day?
Me: They'll congratulate me, because next year, I'll become a teenager.
The next day was the first of January, 1983. The only ones who became privy to
this knowledge were the ones who had made the pact that night, and we all knew,
on some subconscious level, that this time it was going to be a beautiful,
wonderful, peaceful year--one that we would never want to grow past, and one
that would repeat endlessly, into eternity. That was our reward for our
suffrage, the gift of a peaceful town, frozen in time, and being ourselves
frozen at points in our lives where we would never grow tired of being
together. It was a lazy Saturday. I had my own bedroom now, but that morning, I
got out of bed in my pajamas, and slipped into my big sister's bed, just to
enjoy the unseasonably warm dawn on my face as it spilled into the room, and
the warmth of my dear big sister--who was also my closest friend.
Never graduating was a small price to pay, and indeed, I thought on it as a
blessing, because I was finally who I always wanted to be.
(That was the dream. I've considered adding onto it as a story, but perhaps if
I think back on it fondly enough, it'll restart on its own, as dreams sometimes
do. To me, it's a heaven that's well worth waiting for, in another life.)
Other Dreams…
I suppose one might find it odd that I could keep dreaming about the same
topic over and over. For me, my dreams
tend to focus upon whatever prevailing thought is in my mind when I go to
sleep. Because of that, if I have a
dream that I find particularly powerful or important to me, I try to occupy my
thoughts with what happened during the last dream, in hopes it might
continue. To date, none of them have
been as complex as that first one above, but I get snippets now and then, which
I just feel I must record. I hope this
little thought organizing project is as fun to read as it is to compile.
This series of dreams appears to be getting a bit darker as I have
them. Maybe that’s the way the subject
matter is—I can’t be sure. I’ve begun to
see more of Rena’s treatment of me on the Furude shrine steps that one
day. There’s an episode of
Higurashi—it’s in the first series, the “Cursed Murder” arc, episode #9. Rena, Mion, and Keiichi are walking home from
the baseball game, when Keiichi insists on knowing more about what happened to
Satoshi. Rena begins to loose it a bit
when she starts to talk about how she doesn’t believe Satoshi merely
‘transferred,’ rather, she insists he fell victim to the “Curse of the Shrine
God”, for not ‘repenting’, as Rena did, for trying to leave Hinamizawa. In the story, at least, the scene ends when
Mion slaps Rena, forcing her to stop the fearful recant, and she merely walks
home by herself, cheerfully, as if nothing happened.
This dream inserted me—well—Misa, anyway, into the scene. The only difference appeared to be that we
were walking home from school, as opposed to from the baseball game. I was very content in the beginning—we were
merely walking home from school and enjoying the sunset. I was tasting the clean air, holding my bag
before me in both hands, and just content with being who I was. When the conversation regarding Satoshi
began, I stayed out of it—at this point I’d begun to learn that despite who I
used to be in that other life, as time went on, people around me began to not
see the forest for the trees. I
looked—well, I was a little girl, and
with my big sister there, I was typically regarded in that way, and I admit I
didn’t mind playing the part.
Then Rena began to get upset. My greatest
weakness began to boil in me. Since I’ve
come to this place, I knew that I had a weakness for caring for my big
sister. Ever since I contracted the
disease myself, I had sworn I would do whatever possible to keep her mind from
cracking ever again. I can’t say how far
I would go with this, but there are times that I wonder what I might do if she
ever did crack completely in my presence—I’m certain I would, at the very
least, cover for her, and that could give rise to a web of lies and deceit that
would ruin the TBT I had made with my friends in good faith. I’m grateful I’ve yet to be faced with that,
even in a dream.
Just before Mion slapped her, I stood behind her and wracked my brain for
any soothing words I could offer. Nobody
was listening to me, but I thought that maybe if I kept my voice soft and cooed
at her, maybe she’d somehow ‘absorb’ my words subconsciously. I remember clenching one fist under my chin
while I reached out to brush her back with the fingertips of my opposite hand—I
was scared by her tone of voice. None of
this was working of course, and just before Mion slapped her, I had enough—I
don’t remember my exact words, but trying to think of anything I could say, I
cried out something along the lines of denial that the ‘Curse’ of the Shrine
God existed. After all, the events of
the story that I already knew from my previous life explained everything
without an actual curse existing. I
thought that maybe if I tried to remind her of that, it might help to soothe
her from her abject fear behind the whole “Curse of the Shrine God” theory
(mind you, I know Hanyuu exists, but I cannot believe she would purposefully
try to ‘curse’ anyone).
For a time, things seemed to be well—the scene ended the way it had in the
show. I cringed once Mion slapped my big
sister, but I knew it was necessary, and I trusted Mion completely, knowing she
didn’t mean it. Rena perked right back
up and began to take the path to our house in the sunset. I bowed rather hurriedly to our companions,
and I felt the need to mouth an apology, before scurrying along to catch up
with her. I don’t know the expression on
anyone else’s face, for I chose not to look back, even after I caught up with
her.
For a good while, neither of us spoke.
I kept glancing at Rena out of the corner of my eye, up to her face—she
was wearing an overly merry grin, and she had taken to humming to herself. I don’t know the tune, but it seemed so
upbeat, I was practically expecting her to start skipping along, or to kneel by
the side of the road and start picking flowers or something similar. Her mood encouraged me, and eventually my
curiosity suggested I speak up and ask her what she was humming.
“What did you think you were saying
back there, sister?” Rena didn’t so
much as let me finish the breath of my last words before presenting that
question, and she didn’t look at me at all.
It frightened me, and I’m sure my words sounded more like a sputter when
I asked her what she was talking about.
I remember enough of the conversation to present it like this:
Me:
H-huh? S…sister?
Rena: I asked you what you thought you
were saying, little one? (Rena had
taken to calling me ‘little one’ for awhile now. She was the only person that did that, and I
admit, I rather enjoyed the title—it was like a pet name, coming from her. This time, however, there was nothing in her
voice to suggest I should be concerned, but I was, all the same).
Me:
I…I was trying to comfort you, sister.
Did I….did I say something to upset you?
Rena grabbed my wrist, suddenly and sharply, to the point that I almost lost
my bag before shifting it totally to my other hand.
Rena:
I love you, little one, but I will not tolerate my little sister
belittling Oyashirosama. You will respect the curse, and you know better.
I already told you I’ve met with it, face to face. Don’t ever say you don’t ‘believe’
in it.
In an instant, I realized my error. I
had completely forgotten how Rena gets when anyone challenges her on this
topic. As before on the shrine steps,
Rena was much stronger than me, and I had no ability at all to work my way out
of her iron grip. I felt the sting of
her open palm as it raked across my cheek, and again, I knew better than to say
anything in protest. Push it, and she
might really find reason to be upset—I could tell from the stern, yet not
maniacal look on her face, that she wasn’t that far gone. She began to drag me off the path home, down
a different road. I asked where we were
going, but her response was nothing more than to drag me a bit more forcefully. Her stride was longer than mine, so I had to
scurry a bit to keep from loosing my balance.
Perhaps the most disheartening part of it all was that I had thought we had
all gotten past this. In the first
dream, I was with them all throughout the last arc of the story, and though I
made an effort to see that events unfolded as they were supposed to, I tried to
stay out of everybody’s way, to let them make their realizations for
themselves. It doesn’t appear that time
is flowing in a linear fashion in these dreams, or else I shouldn’t ever have
even been involved in this particular scene—I found myself in Hinamizawa just
at the outset of the final storyarc.
It came to pass that she was dragging me all the way to the Furude shrine,
and straight up the stone steps. Despite
it being a dream, I still somehow felt rather tired once we got to the
top. I attribute this to mental stress—I
wanted to say something throughout the trip, but I was afraid to. She finally let go of me as we stood before
the altar. One might it prudent for me
to complain or perhaps attempt to flee, but I would have no part of either
activity—I was afraid, yes, but I dearly did not wish to upset her
further. Even if I hadn’t cared about
that, logic dictates that if she’s stronger than me, she’s probably faster,
too. Rena rang the bell and clapped her
hands in prayer, unceremoniously. When
she batted an eyelid long enough to glance at me and notice my confusion, she
merely muttered, “Apologize to
Oyashirosama, little one. Now.”
It wasn’t a threatening tone; merely a stern one. I did as I was told—following the prayer
motions she made. At first I stood very
still with my eyes closed, facing the altar, figuring that perhaps this would
be enough to satisfy her. I’m not sure
how she could have known what I was thinking, but she spoke up again, “Mean it, Misa. It was inappropriate to say what you
said. Be a good girl and mean it.”
I’m not sure if I could say I was afraid, but I was certainly taken
aback. I didn’t think I had said anything
to give her the idea I wasn’t “meaning it”.
It was a dream, though…perhaps she heard what was going on in my mind
anyway? Irregardless, that was more than
enough for me to speak an apology for my ‘transgression’.
As if it had never happened, Rena’s visage perked right back into that
merry, happy-go-lucky look she was sporting before, and she began to walk
away. I was stupefied, and didn’t move
until she called to me, telling me to hurry up or I’d miss dinner. Things faded as we walked away. My—or rather, Misa’s—overwhelming desire to
care for Rena seemed to permeate enough through me to keep me from truly
feeling fear, but I cannot say I passed the dream without experiencing any at
all.
Snippets…
There’s a reason I put Rika’s bell collar around the Misa figurine’s
neck. I suppose there’s a reason for the
entire outfit, really. They were all
Rena’s hand-me-downs. Again, I must admit
that I appreciated them. I enjoy
dreaming as Misa, because when I do, I feel and think the way she would. A pretty, flowing skirt is of great pleasure
to me, and the thought that it used to be Rena’s is also a rather comforting
realization. The bell wasn’t my idea
though. I recall a snippet somewhere
along the line where I was in the bath with Rena. I had taken to bathing with her often, merely
because it was more convenient than having to prepare and run an eastern style
bath twice in one evening. Nearly all
the conversation that takes place there is just pleasant, youthful banter—this
is to the point that the symbolism of the bathroom in my dreams, whenever I
encounter it, gives me an overall secure feeling. I had taken the regular chore of washing her
back for her—it just seemed like an appropriate thing for a younger sibling to
do, in this case.
In this particular snippet, we adjourned back to her room after the bath,
because she had told me she wanted to ‘try something’. Despite my experiences with Rena in the past,
I didn’t feel trepidation at this—she appeared to have a generally content way
about her at the time, which made it seem unlikely that anything untoward was
going to happen. When we got to her
room, she took a moment to put on her pajamas.
In my dreaming, at least, she wears cyan blue, fuzzy pajamas to bed,
with images of cute things on them that are always changing every time I see
them (I think they were puppies, this time).
My school outfit (the outfit of the figure) was folded neatly on her
bed, and she asked me to dress in it—this of course struck me as odd, given I
had hand-me-down pajamas to wear as well (pretty much the same thing as hers,
except they were pink and usually had clouds on them). She seemed excited, however, so I shrugged
and figured there was no reason not to—I was clammy and getting cold, anyway.
When I finished dressing, she stood behind me, took me gently by the
shoulders, and walked me over to a full length mirror in the corner of her
room. She was beaming, and as I looked
myself over, I got the idea that she had again reverted to ‘cute’ mode. I had to wonder what I had done to provoke
it. It didn’t take much to set Rena
off—a word, spoken in a certain tone of voice, or perhaps an overly graceful
movement, was often enough to send either Satoko, Rika, or myself into the iron
grip of her arms. Turns out she had been
shopping a few days earlier in Okonomiya, and she wanted to add something to my
usual ensemble. Bidding me to arch my
neck, she strapped on the bell. It made
me blush, because I instantly noticed that this item was something she had to
have picked up in a petstore, as opposed to some article of costume
jewelry. I eyed the gaudy item, and
jerked my head to the left and right as she clapped her hands and whined behind
me with glee. As I had thought, the bell
emitted a high-pitched tingle with each movement I made, to the point that it
gave me a mental image of how the next few days were going to feel before the
novelty wore off for her. Doubtless, she
wouldn’t let me out of it for a moment until then, and I could only imagine how
useless playing games with our mutual friends in gym class would be with an
audible calling card around my neck, preceding me wherever I went.
Mania.
Not every dream concerning a topic like this is a happy one. I should precede this one by saying that I’m
not a maladjusted person. I do, however,
get deeply involved with characters that I play. In real life, of course, this doesn’t tend to
go past the proper time and place for pretending to be someone other than
myself, but dreams are a different playing field entirely, and one can hardly
be certain of even their own actions, whilst dreaming.
I mentioned by the end of the first dream that I had been infected with the
Hinamizawa Syndrome virus. It seems to
manifest just a bit differently in each person, but it was only a matter of
time before a dream would outline the details of my own case, since everybody
else (with the possible exception of Mion) had already demonstrated
theirs. There were two separate
instances that I can recall.
There’s not much to say about the first occurrence. I (Misa) woke up for school one morning,
feeling somewhat sick to my stomach. I
find this a very odd sensation in a dream—you don’t really ‘feel’ it, you just
know it’s there, and if you aren’t dreaming lucidly enough to realize
otherwise, you just sort of go with it.
Rena and our father were concerned, but I insisted I would be fine with
just a day of rest under my belt. That
was enough for all concerned, and I went to my room to sleep it off, while Rena
went to school. I should also comment that
feeling the need to go to sleep while you’re already dreaming is, to me at
least, also an odd sensation. Again, I
cannot say I felt ‘tired’—it just seemed like this was what I was supposed to
do in this dream, so I followed along.
I don’t know how it is for most dreamers, but for me, time passes at various
rates in dreams. A week’s worth of
activity could occur in what feels like a few seconds, or an hour’s worth of
activity could feel like it took days to perform. I once had a dream that lasted (in the dream,
anyway) several years, to the point that when I woke up after just one evening,
I forgot who/where I was for a few moments.
I tend to refer to these dreams as ‘epic’—because they leave me feeling
like I just watched a three or four hour movie.
I lay in the bed in my room for what felt like hours, above the covers, and
staring at the ceiling. I remember that
I was barefoot and in the usual pajamas, with the bell from that last snippet
still around my neck, but other than that, I’m drawing a blank on the
surroundings. The room was mostly white,
and one wall arched with the pitch of the roof, but I have no idea how it was
decorated. Eventually, I decided that I
was probably just being lazy and feigning illness because I wanted to go back
to bed. That made me feel guilty, and
so, I resolved to get up.
Though I cannot be sure of the layout of the house, for the sake of this
dream, Rena’s room was between mine and the bathroom in the hallway, leaving me
to have to pass her door before I could wash up. I paused at said door—a curious compulsion to
go in there and loiter for no apparent reason came over me. As if on auto-pilot, I tiptoed into the room
and felt like I was floating over to the balcony (the balcony appears to be
another tenant of the dream, as I can’t say for sure if the layout of the house
even allowed for there to be one in Rena’s bedroom). I unlatched the sliding door, pulled it back,
and stepped outside, shutting the door completely behind me. At first, I wasn’t sure why I was doing any
of this, but I found it even more odd that I took enough time to see that the
door was secure behind me. I couldn’t
lock it from the inside, but I felt the desire to do just that, and I reasoned
that I could at least attempt to close it tightly enough that it would be hard
for me to get it back open, what with my arm strength.
I stood out on the balcony on a warm morning, with a gentle breeze catching
my pajama top. The air felt good against
my skin, and I recall closing my eyes for a time and smiling into the
wind. Time seemed to be moving strangely
again, for it appeared to be just at sunrise, despite the fact that particular
event should have concluded hours ago.
That’s a hindsight observation, of course—I hardly noticed or cared
about the inconsistency at the time. For
a time, all was well—the view of the town was beautiful, the air smelled
fragrant, and I hugged myself as I thought about what simple joys a quiet
little town could bring (I’ve always preferred life in the slow lane, at any
rate).
What occurred next caught me completely off-guard. All at once, I began to feel a deep, burning
sensation of guilt welling up inside me.
There was really no reason for me to suddenly feel guilt about anything,
but my mind began to automatically latch on to anything at all it could use as
fuel for this emotion. Everything I
thought about turned into guilt, even if it was completely ridiculous. If I tried to think about my friends, I was
guilty that I had skipped school. If I
thought about my favorite foods, I was guilty that I hadn’t cleaned my plate
the night before. If I didn’t say
goodnight to everyone in the house last night, then I was guilty about
that. This kept continuing and
escalating, to the point that I felt as though I were in competition with
myself to make it go away. I tried
thinking about Rena, and my mind responded that my just being around was
complicating her life. I tried thinking
about the victory that had been achieved in the last storyarc of the series,
and my mind just told me that it would probably just start all over again the
minute somebody let their guard down.
Finally, I forcefully occupied my mind with how happy I was to be in the
world of my dream. (My real life,
remember, was something I had transcended in Hinamizawa. While dreaming, the dream was what was real,
and reality was the fantasy.) My mind
responded by trying to get me to believe in what was actually happening—that I
was going to wake up, and all of this would soon fade.
That was about all I could stand. I
glanced down at the street below the balcony, and though I’m not at all the
kind of person to consider such things, my mind was like a little devil sitting
on my shoulder, trying to convince me that it’d be a lot easier if I just ended
my dreaming now by taking a leap from here to the ground below. I recall shutting my eyes tightly, balling my
hands into fists, and standing there very rigidly, arms at my sides, trying to force
whatever was going on to just go away.
If I yelled out the phrase “go
away”, I cannot be sure, because there didn’t appear to be anyone around to
hear it. The frustration made me start
to sob softly, and before I knew it, I was on my knees weeping openly—my
protests had become begging for whatever it was to just stop it.
Time passed slowly, until it felt as though I had been doing this for
hours. I didn’t look up until I felt a
hand on my shoulder, and when I did, the sun was now setting. Rena was staring down at me with a look of
complete shock and worry on her face. We
exchanged a few mutually calming words, but it appears as though I had
literally been kneeling on the balcony weeping for the entire day. After a long embrace, we steeled ourselves
and went inside, where we proceeded to have a conversation about how Rena once
nearly killed herself out of despair in Ibaraki (something I already knew from
the storyline, so details aren’t really necessary to go into). The difference was that unlike with her, I
had nothing to really be upset about—save possibly for the thought that I might
‘awaken’ away from this place at any moment.
That realization was enough to rouse me from the dream, though not before
Rena and I were able to find solace in the fact that we had a similar reaction
to the disease in our lives, upon which we could now converse.
….
Perhaps there was more to say in the initial occurrence of the symptoms than
I thought. The second occurrence, now
that I compare them, was much more of a ‘snippet’ than the first. All I recall of it was already being at
school one day. Afternoon club
activities were to be a game of progressive tag (in the series, I recall them
referring to this game as ‘zombie’ tag, so that’s probably how it came up in the
dream). Before the game began, I was being
playfully chided by Satoko for still having Rena’s bell around my neck, despite
otherwise being in my gym ‘bloomer’ uniform.
I’m going to swallow my pride and admit that wearing such an outfit
kinda made me feel good about myself—as though I ‘fit in’ better with the rest
of the group. Naturally, my chances for
hiding and lasting very long in a game that depended on secrecy were slim to
none whilst wearing the bell. I could
tell she didn’t really mean to tease, but she was commenting that I’d better be
a really fast runner if I insisted on never taking ‘this thing’ off. With that, she gently took the bell at my
throat in her palm and rang it a few times to prove her point. I certainly couldn’t blame everybody else for
giggling a little bit, as I’m sure I made for an amusing spectacle. Rena wasn’t laughing, but that’s only because
she was lost somewhere in ‘cute’ mode again—though whether Satoko or I had set
her off, I’m not sure.
It was when Rika stepped up behind me and I felt her hands on the back of my
neck, that the unexpected occurred. With
a singsongy tone to her voice, she merrily stated that though she knew I
appreciated my sister’s gift, it would be easier if I took it off, at least for
the game. She was right of course, but
as she began to unlatch it, I was suddenly overwhelmed with a sense of panic
that I cannot explain. In a fraction of
a second, I was instantly convinced that if the bell came off, I would somehow
never see it again, and Rena would hate me and turn against me for loosing
it. My thoughts went berserk, and I
conjured up completely irrational images of being thrown out of her house,
having nowhere to go, and ending up dead in a ditch somewhere or worse.
Without thinking, I grimaced with anger, spun on my heel, and slapped Rika
in the face as hard as my muscles would allow.
I yelled something—I don’t remember exactly what it was, but I’m sure it
was akin to “don’t you touch that,” or
“get the hell off of me”. She had already managed to take the bell
off of me, so when she landed hard in the dirt on her rump, the bell went
flying, until it landed a few feet on the other side of her. I’m sure everybody was staring, given I was
panting with anger, still had my arm in the air, and was probably making a
rather scary face. My only impulse was
to get to the bell. I imagine when I
made to move in that direction, Satoko probably thought I was going to attack
Rika again, because she grabbed my elbow and shouted for me to stop it. Adrenaline served me well—I wrenched away
hard enough to knock her over as well, and in a flash, I leapt over Rika and
knelt in the dirt, cradling the bell in both hands and murmuring…well…I don’t
know what I was saying at this point, or if it was even coherent.
I call this a short snippet because I can only make assumptions about what
was happening behind me while I was lost in thought with the bell. Gradually, my sadistic thoughts about what
might happen without the item rewound and corrected themselves, until I was
back in the present enough to snap out of it.
It felt like being on autopilot, really—I hadn’t wanted to do or think
any of those things, and I knew that, even while it was happening—but I
couldn’t stop my own body from reacting the way it did. When I did snap back into control, I stood and
turned with the bell in one fist to face the rest of the group.
Rika was fine, save for a red welt on her cheek that she was cradling
lightly. The look on her face wasn’t at
all upset or afraid—she knew full well what had caused me to act that way, and
bless her, she actually seemed to look remorseful—as if she felt she were to
blame for the whole incident. Satoko had
her hands on Rika’s shoulders, and she was
visibly upset, to the point that I tried not to meet the occasional gazes she
threw at me. They were both a bit dirty
from being on the ground, but then, no moreso than I was. Mion and Keiichi were standing in the back of
the group. Both of them had a bit of a
helpless look on their faces. I got the
impression that they were well aware of what was going on, too, and they
weren’t really sure how to proceed at this point. Shion was scowling at me, and, hands on her
hips and standing tall before me, she began to berate me for my actions. Of course, she was telling me things that
everyone already knew; Rika was only trying to help, and I was
overreacting. Shion seemed more upset
that I had shoved Satoko, which I suppose makes sense.
Of course, I bowed my head and took her verbal abuse, trying in a very soft
voice to explain that I didn’t know what had come over me, and repeatedly
apologizing for the incident. It didn’t
stop until my view of the dirt before me was suddenly obscured by the back of
Rena’s calves. She had interposed
herself between the two of us, and she began to talk back to Shion, trying to
validate my point. The situation was
deteriorating into a full blown argument.
Thankfully, it didn’t go that far—Mion was kind enough to step in and remind
everybody about the pact we made to always remain truthful to one another. She offered me her hand and smiled at me,
telling me that if I said I don’t know what came over me, and that I was
sorry—that was enough for her. Everybody
already knew that completely out of character outbursts like this were a result
of the disease, but I can’t blame Satoko for reacting emotionally to my harming
Rika—nor can I blame Shion for the same reaction when I, in turn, harmed
Satoko. Mion accepted what had occurred
in the same way I had grown accustomed to accepting the occasional physical and
verbal abuse that was a result of Rena’s outbursts. I recall taking her hand and shamelessly
pressing my face into her chest, gently sobbing my continued apologies. It wasn’t that I was sorry for just hitting
somebody—I was sorry to everyone all at the same time for not being able to
control myself, and that thought stirred up enough emotion in me to summon up
tears.
I got the feeling that everything was okay after this, but the scene faded, and Mion’s chest turned out to be my pillow. Go figure—at least it was comforting, ne?
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