*****

CHAPTER 2: Interesting relevations and why one should not put pastry in one's hair

*****

Deep in the bowls of the 'Custodian of the Stolen Plans that can save her people and restore freedom to the galaxy...', Princess Leia Organa of Alderaan huddled like a scared three year old in a small alcove. Thwarting the unwanted attention of the scurrying stormtroopers.

Thwart. Bwa.

The fear in her eyes slowly gave way to anger as the muted crushing sounds of the approaching stormtroopers grew louder.

"There she is!! Set for Stun!!"

Leia stepoed from her hiding place and blasted a trooper with her laser pistol. She began to run but was suddenly felled by a paralyzing ray.

Her inert body was eyed warily and inspected.

"Ano...Pretty flat for a princess." Said Ray the stormtrooper.

"Hell yeah Ray, all them there princesses are flat." Said Earl, another Stormtrooper.

"Says who??" Ray shot indignantly.

"Says -Whom-" Said Gerald the cleaning robot as it rumbled by.

"Says whom??" Ray shot indignantly.

"Jedi counsul."

Silence.

"Why??" A couple more unnamed stormtroopers chorused.

"Uhn, somethin bout some padawan gettin a nasty idea in his head to 'use the force' as it is an...So they decreed no princesses shall be temptin no more Jedi. So no women shall be endowed n..."

"Use the Force??" Ray questioned himself, scratching the helmut of his armor.

"You made that up!!" Accused one less than bright white clad piece of cannon fodder.

Earl shrugged. "Well, mebbie she's a guy??"

They all looked at Leia. Ray prodded her with the toe of his boot. "Un, guys, even if she wasn't a guy, I really wouldn't wanna check."

A pastry fell out of her hair. The Stormtroopers stared a bit.

Meanwhile, back to things that actually MATTER in the long run.

Artoo paused before the small hatch of an emergency lifepod, snapping the seal on the main latch and watching in amusement as a red warning light began to flash. The stubby astro-robot worked his way into the cramped four-man pod.

"Hey, why the @#$% didn't -I- Know about this @#$*%^# thing?? I would've @#$%&* got offa this !@$#%# ship a LOOOOONG time ago..."

Artoo beeped something to him.

"Don't call me a mindless bunktwat, you overweight pothead! Now let me IN!!"

Artoo whistled something at his reluctant friend regarding the mission he was about to preform.

"Secret mission? What @#^&*$# plans? What the @#$% are you talking about? And whaddya mean I'm not allowed to come??"

Artoo wasn't happy with Threepio's stubbornness, and he beeped and twanged angrily.

"Keep your damn comments to yourself you @#$%^&* ashtray."

A new explosion, this time very close, sent dust and debris through the narrow subhallway. Flames licked at Threepio and, after a flurry of electronic swearing from Artoo, the lanky robot was allowed into the lifepod.

"They are so going to @#^^&!@ regret this."

*****

On the main viewscreen, in the star destroyer, the lifepod carrying the two terrified robots sped away from the stricken Rebel spacecraft.

"There goes another one." Muttered the pilot. We shall call him Rowan for now.

The captain (whom we shall call Tony) shot him a glare. "Hold your fire. There are no life forms. It must have been short-circuited."

The two men glared out the screen. Heedless of the destruction a couple moments later when an estranged humanoid lightbulb child lept through the doorway and, cackling about geraniums, spiders, butterflies, and twin brothers, shot both men in the head.

In the distance a song played.

" So... Hitotsu-me no yoru ni Izuko kara koishi ga sekai ni ochiru So... Futatsu-me no yoru ni Koishi no ko ga te o tori warutsu o kaku Sound life...."

More insane cackling.

Rowan and Tony were promptly replaced.

*****

Artoo and Threepio looked out at the receding Imperial starship. Stars circled as the pod rotated through the galaxy.

"What the hell is THAT!??" Threepio pointed at the destroyer, half painted bright yellow, the paint covering some lettering. "....eeds?? What the @#*& is 'eeds'??"

Artoo beeps an assuring response.

"Ok...whatever..." Threepio sulked. "@#$%%^& fangirls."

*****

Heat waves radiated from the dozen or so bleached white buildings as Luke piloted his Landspeeder through the dusty empty street of the tiny settlement.

An old woman ran and dived into a nearby fruit cart to get out of the way of the speeding vehicle, shaking her fist at Luke as he flew past.

"#$#@^* YOUTH!!" She screamed, covered in guava-innered like goodness.

The Landspeeder cruised on, heedless to the damage it had caused and would cause, as it punched a landspeeder with Luke riding in it shaped hole through the streetward wall of the powerstation, plowed through the main room , passed a fixer and young woman, sending their clothes to dissaray and tools flying, and through the back wall into the office.

"Did I hear a young noise blast through here?" The fixer muttered, after the wind had passed and the sonic boom was a mere memory.

The girl snorted and resorted to filing her nails. "It was just wormie on another rampage."

Happily, Luke bounced into a small room behind the office where Deak and Windy, two tough boys about the same age as Luke, were playing a computer pool-like game with Biggs, a burly, handsome boy a few years older than the rest. The strange, pink plastic-esque material he was clothed in, the sparkles on his face, and the way his hair was shaped into two perfect spirals, sticking straight up, was a sharp contrast to the loose-fitting tunic of Luke Cloud Skywalker, and the other two.

"Shape it up you guys!.... Biggs?" Luke's surprise at the appearance of Biggs gave way to great joy and emotion. They give each other a great bear hug, but Luke was forced to smack the larger boy when he attempted to stick his hand down his pants.

"I didn't know you were back! When did you get in? WHY the hell are you back??"

"Just now. I wanted to surprise you, hot shot. I thought you'd be here...certainly didn't expect you to be out working." Biggs laughed, then leaned forwards to whisper something in the chisel-haired one's ear.

Luke blushed. "The Academy didn't change you much...but you're back so soon?? Hey, what happened, didn't you get your commision?"

Biggs had an air of cool that seemed slightly phony. Just slightly..."Of course I got it. Signed aboard The Rand Ecliptic last week. First mate Biggs Darklighter at your service..." He saluted with a floppy wave of your hand "...I just came to say good-bye to all you unfortunate landlocked simpletons."

Everyone laughs. The dazzling spectacle of his dashing friend's clothing dulling their sences and taking over their puny minds is almost too much for Luke, but suddenly he snaps out of it. And the author puts this paragraph back in the correct tense.

"I almost forgot. There's a battle going on! Right here in our system. Come and look!"

"Not again! Forget it dickwad." an ominous voice cried.

A glowing red eyeball glowed in the background for no appearant reason.

Back on the four klicks of target...

Princess Leia was led down a low-ceilinged hallway by a squad of armored stormtroopers. Her hands were bound and she was brutally shoved when she was unable to fit through the retardedly small corridoor.

WHEEze.

The entire enteurage froze in fear of the almost certain wedgie giving that was to follow. Of the black helmuted nazi reborn that was the Vader, of the Dark lord of the sith who put people through the most horrisome of horors, of bonnets and curlers, and neil diamond.

Leia met the black helmut's gaze fearlessly, and put on her 'not-blinking glasses'. Yes, it was the ritual Leia-Vader staring contest--- The least watched program on the holoscope.

"Lord Vaderith, I should have knownith. Only youith couldith beith soith boldith. The Imperialith Senate willth not sit for this, when they hearith you've attacked a diplomatic..."

"Don't play games with me, Your Highness. You weren't on any mercy mission this time. You passed directly through a restricted system. Several transmissions were beamed to this ship by Rebel spies. I want to know what happened to the plans they sent you." WHEEze.

"I don't know what you're talking about. I'm a member of the Imperial Senate on a diplomatic mission to Alderaan...I wasn't expecting the freaking spanish inquisition!!!"

That was where Leia made her near-fatal mistake. Yea, nothing would prepare the evil Megilomaniac nor the allegidly pastry haired vixen for the chaos that was to ensue... The utter terror that was speeding through space towards their very location.

*Dramatic Chord*

"NO ONE EXPECTS THE SPANISH INQUISITION!!"

Leia gasped, Stormtroopers fell over, Vader wheezed in horror. Yes, three men in alarmingly red uniforms were standing in the ruins of the corridoor, amidst the carnage of recently dead from rampant dramatic chords...The lifeless bodies of Stormtroopers paying homage to these rejects from long long ago in a galaxy that was nowhere near where they were now.

"Who...Are you." Vader stated with utmost athority, narrowing eyebrows that weren't seen, and grimacing an invisible grimace.

The leader of these men looked disgusted, and spared no expence at doing so.

-DISGUST.-

Leia nudged vader in the chest plate--- "They already announced upon their arrivals." She glanced around. "And it seems they hath laid waste to your entourage...."

The Red cloaked leader cleared his throat, Vader and Leia ignored him.

WHeeze. "So WHAT am I supposed to do now??!! Even if you (in the unlikely case) were innocent of these crimes..."

The red cloaked men perked up...

"....That wouldn't excuse the fact that you inadvertantly killed my honor guard and a few other guys." WHeeze.

-BIG WORDS.-

"....And what crimes is she being accused of, M'lord??" A spanish inquisitor sidled up to the wheezing one.

Vader twitched at him. "....She's part of the rebel alliance and a trator!!" WHeeze.

The red guys bopped up and down like retarded parrots. "What shall we do with her M'lord??"

Vader thought and wheezed and thought and wheezed and coughed.... "She'll die before she tells me the location of the rebel base....however...."

"RIGHT!!" And the trio of idiots marched the princess through the smoking hole in the side of the 'Custodian of the stolen plans that could free her people and bring peace to the galaxy' into the four klicks of target aka 'eeds'.

Vader blinked.

Another Imperial Officer approached Vader, snapping to attention and looking back over his shoulder in confusion.

"Lord Vader, the battleith stationith plans are not aboard this shipith! And no transmissions were madeith. An escape pod was jettisoned during the fightingith, but no life forms were aboardith."

Vader turned to the Commander, twitching slightly at the utter pointlessness of this chapter in general. "She must have hidden the bloody plans in the escape pod. Send a detachment down to retrieve them. See to it personally, Commander. There'll be no one to stop us this time."

"It's a fair cop..."

"And don't talk to the audience!!" WHeeze.