Fading Dreams
By Fushigi Kismet
When I was young, dreams were everything to me. For as long as I
can remember, I was a solitary child. Lonely. Other children sensed
something about me, I suppose. They kept their distance.
I tried not to let it affect me, but there are times when I can
still remember their whispers . . .
"He's so weird . . ."
"Look at him! Why does he think he can fit in here?"
"Don't get too close, Hitomi! You might catch something!"
Hitomi. I try not to think about her. It was fourth grade and
she was the first girl I ever liked. She was pretty and sweet. But
she wasn't kind.
She was my assigned science partner and we had to work together on
the big science project due at the end of the year. It was our final
grade. She was nice to me for a little while . . . until I had
completed the entire project by myself.
Then I overheard some of the other boys in the locker room after
gym class talking about "Hitomi and that freak."
About how she was just using me . . .
So, of course, I just *had* to pick a fight with them, because I
really, truly believed that Hitomi was not like that.
Afterwards, when they had left me in the locker room, my head
bleeding and my clothes torn, a dent in the locker nearest me from
the impact of my head colliding with it, I smiled. Because it was
for her. For Hitomi. Because she would never betray me like that .
. .
And the next day, when I walked into class with my head bandaged
and my arm in a sling . . . She looked at me and laughed.
It shattered my heart.
I decided then and there that I would never let anyone have that
kind of hold over me again. It hurts too much when you place too
much faith in someone. You're inevitably let down. People aren't to
be trusted.
The only one I could believe in was a figment of my own
imagination. My dream princess.
I dreamt, sometimes, that there was one special person out there
for me. She was a princess, beautiful, graceful, and kind . . . And
she loved me unconditionally.
It was a beautiful dream . . . but each time I woke from it, I was
overcome with sadness. It was a dream that could never come true.
Then I met Usagi and everything changed.
I remember the first time I ever saw her . . . She was running
pell-mell down the street, her hair flying out behind her, her cheeks
flushed pink with exertion. I thought she was an angel.
The first time I spoke to her . . . my image of her was slightly
adjusted. I can't remember exactly what we said to one another . . .
but I do remember seeing the mark she got on her test and saying
something rather condescending. It shocked me, a little, I suppose,
that she could do so poorly in academics. But then, I was judging
her against myself . . . and I've learned since then not to base my
judgements of others on myself . . . not only is it egotistical, it's
also unfair.
Other people simply aren't like me. They don't bury themselves in
their studies, keep themselves distant from others . . . They aren't
whispered about behind their backs as the smart one, the strange one
. . .
They are capable of real human interaction and relationships.
Something that I fear I have failed at all my life.
But with Usagi I wanted it to be different. I wanted her to see me
in a different light . . . to see the true me, the one lurking
beneath the surface. I wanted her light to draw me out of my
darkness . . .
Before I knew it I found that I loved her. Loved her and wanted
her to feel the same about me. But everything I did to try and
convey how I felt backfired. I always said or did the wrong thing
and to her I must have seemed arrogant and self-centered, forever
trying to sound superior.
She ended up despising me more than ever. And who could possibly
blame her? Certainly not I. I deserved her disgust and
condescension. How could I possibly strive to be the man she loved?
Her warm and friendly nature contrasted with my solitary one so
completely . . . even when I tried to be more open, my every friendly
overture was suspect. I could not be the man she deserved to have in
her life.
And yet . . . and yet . . . something in me still strove to fight
against my own convictions. Something in me still wanted to try. I
found I had not the heart to deny myself . . . because my heart was
her and to try to suppress the feelings within myself was too
difficult a task for one who had grown unaccustomed to feeling
anything at all.
But I was fighting something more potent than a mere rival. I was
fighting *her* dream.
Sometimes I would hear her talk about her knight in shining armor.
The black-caped mystery man who would sweep down and carry her away.
I was jealous. Irrationally so.
I wanted to be the one in her dreams . . . as I was becoming more
and more convinced that she was the one in mine.
But as each day dawned I woke from my dreaming to a harsher and
harsher reality. Each time I saw her I could feel my heart break a
little more . . . could feel my dream slipping a little farther away.
The eyes she turned to me, while sometimes friendly, were never
really looking at me . . . They looked through me. They never saw
the me that I wanted her to see . . . the me that truly loved her.
What they saw was the annoyance in her life, the sometimes-friend,
the person she would inadvertantly be kind to because that was in her
nature . . . to show kindness to everyone. But never was I anyone
she could think of loving. In my heart I knew that my battle was a
losing one . . . And little by little I resigned myself to it. The
inevitable.
Little by little the dream of her faded. She came less and less
to haunt my sleep. In time she ceased to come at all. When I look
at Usagi now I see what might have been, what never can or will be .
. .
My dream princess.
It's time to give her up. It's time to move on with my life.
I will miss her. I'll miss how thinking about her and dreaming
about her made me feel. But that feeling doesn't even come close to
the real feeling of loving someone and being loved back.
So, good-bye, my princess. I'm letting the dream of you go. The
impossible dream that I could never make real.
Good-bye, Usagi.
"We're late!"
I turn and smile at the beautiful girl standing before me. Her
angry expression fades as she looks at me to be replaced by one of
resignation. "You're so dumb, you know that?! You're the one who
wanted to go to this movie in the first place!"
I take her hand in mine, marvelling that this is real. That she
is really here before me. "I'm sorry. Let's go now, shall we?"
She sighs and turns away, reaching for her jacket which is draped
over one of the chairs in my room.
I put my arms around her as she does so and kiss her softly on the
cheek. She blushes, the red color quickly staining her cheeks in the
way I find so adorable. "Don't," she protests softly, but there is
no fight in her words.
"You know how much I love you, right?"
"I know," she whispers, turning in my arms. "I love you, too." I
kiss her once, gently, on the lips, and she pulls away, blushing more
than ever. "You!"
I shrug, then pick up my own jacket. "Shall we go?"
She stalks out of the room, mad from embarrassment. It's a new
thing for the two of us . . . being together. And she still finds my
random acts of affection embarrassing . . .
But I don't mind. Not in the slightest.
She might not be as sweet or as perfect as my dream girl, but
unlike that girl, she is truly mine. And I will love her as best I
know how . . . for as long as I can. Because the time has come for
letting go of fading dreams and seizing onto new ones being born.
And my dream right now is a certain red-haired girl . . .
"Umino!"
"Coming, Naru!"
. . . not yelling at me quite so much.
The End
Well, so what did think? It's not an Usagi-Mamoru 'fic. It's not a
Senshi-Guardian 'fic (for once!). It's not even a Luna-Artemis 'fic
(which I have yet to write). It's a story about two people whose
relationship I find very sweet and feel ought to have been fleshed
out a little bit more. ^_^ Though I didn't really go into the
Umino-Naru relationship all that much . . . But maybe in the future?
Or maybe not. ^^;
And you probably won't ever see a 'fic like this from me again.
Because this one came about for no reason at all . . . and while a
lot of my 'fics are actually like that, this one was unique. A
combination of not being able to have any of my stories at hand and
the BURNING desire to write something (anything!) drove me to this.
Heh. It also took nine months for me to actually finish this!
And I only needed a few sentences . . . Unbelievable!
^^;;;;;
So, who guessed who was *really* telling the story before the end
came about? Who thought that it was Mamoru talking?? Tell the
truth now . . . I want to know!
More parts to "In Another Life: Golden Beginning," and "Castles and
Kingdoms" will be forthcoming, as well as some other things I've been
working on.
Thank you, everyone, for your continuing support and let me leave you
with this one last thought . . .
Go Bears! ^_-
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