(Before the start of the auction )
Aeris:I hope I have more gil than Tifa, or else she'll get Cloud!
Tifa:I better have enough gil...no way I'm letting that b*%$& get Cloud!
Celes: (fingers crossed) Locke, Locke, Locke, Locke, Locke, Locke, Locke...
Terra:A chance for me to get a man! Too bad Carrie here just HAVE to tag along..(looks at girl sitting next to her) sometimes I hate being a mom to these kids..
Scarlet:I need someone who I can have fun with tonight..ha ha ha!
Elena:Why did Tseng decide to back out from this auction at the last second! What a coward! Now who would I choose?
Announcer: Ladies and the few gentlemen that are here, please welcome your host, Cait Sith!
( audience claps. Cait Sith comes in on stage. )
Cait: ( speaks through his megaphone ) Welcome! I'm sure you ladies are eagar to bid on these fine bachelors! So let's begin! To stir things up a little first, I decided to call the man that'll sure cause some tension between a couple of ladies to come out first! Please welcome, from Nibelheim, Cloud Strife!
Aeris & Tifa: ( jumps up, lights their lighters ) Cloud! Cloud! Cloud! Cloud!
Cloud:( backstage, mumbling )You just have to put me first do you, Cait Sith? I'm going to give you a taste of my Omnislash later.....
( Cloud's theme song comes on. Cloud comes in, does his spinning sword victory pose, then walks over to the microphone across from Cait Sith. )
Cait: Okay, Cloud, please introduce yourself!
Cloud: ( shrugs ) My name is Cloud Strife, and I grew up in Nibelheim. I'm 21 right now and I work as a mercenary.
Cait: Okay, let's start the bid at 100 gil!
Aeris: 1,000 gil!
Tifa: 10,000!
Aeris: 20,000!
Tifa: You just have to fight with me do you?
Aeris: Cloud's mine!
( Cloud shakes his head. Tifa dives at Aeris. The two begin fighting and screaming at each other. )
Tifa: You witch!
Aeris: Shut up, you slut!
Tifa: B*&%#!!
Aeris: Whore!
Cait: Um, ladies..
Relm: ( stands up ) 30,000 gil!
Cait: What would *you* want with Cloud?
Relm: I need a model! This guy makes a good model for my painting!
Cait: Okay then...30,000 gil going once!...
( Aeris and Tifa too busy pulling each other's hair to notice )
Cait: Going twice...........
( Aeris and Tifa still fighting )
Aeris: YOU SILICON MANIAC!
Tifa: YOU FLAT-CHESTED B*&^%!
Cait: ......sold for 30,000 gil to the little blonde girl!
Cloud: ( shrugs ) Being a poster boy is better than seeing those two scream at each other I guess.
( Aeris and Tifa still fighting, does not notice Relm dragging Cloud out of the auditorium. )
Cait: Well, let's move on shall we! The next bachelor is a world famous thief-
Locke: ( backstage ) TREASURE HUNTER! If you have a lung I'd rip it out!
Cait: Um, treasure hunter, from Kohlingen, let's welcome Locke Cole!
( Locke's theme song plays. Locke comes in and steals Cait Sith's crown that's on his head without Cait Sith noticing. )
Locke: I'm Locke Cole, 25, and I'm the world's best treasure hunter!
Cait: Let's start, from 100 gil!
Celes: 200!
Terra: 500!
Celes: TERRA? How could you?
Terra: Hey, he was the one that said he'll protect me first. How could YOU steal him from me?
Celes: I can't believe this! And I see you as a friend!
Terra: There is no friends when it comes to men. ( takes out all her gil ) Let's get this over with. 1 million!
Celes: 1 million? That's exactly how much I got too!
Cait: The green-hair chick called it first. 1 million going once....
Celes: Damn! I need more gil! ( looks over at Carrie ) Hey, little girl, I'll give you this candy for all the money you got, okay?
Carrie: Okay! ( takes candy, gives Celes 10 gil )
Terra: Carrie! What are you doing???
Cait: Going twice...
Celes: 1,000,010 gil!
Cait: Okay! 1,000,010 gil going once...
Terra: Carrie! You got anymore gil?
Carrie: I traded it all for this candy!
Terra: AAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!
Cait: Going twice.......sold to the blonde chick for 1,000,010 gil!
Tifa: ( does a Dolphin Blow at Aeris, then looks up at stage ) Hey! Where's Cloud?
Aeris: ( gets up and elbows Tifa in the stomach, then looks up ) Where IS Cloud?
Cait: He was sold to some little girl about a few minutes ago.
Aeris & Tifa: ( mouth drops open ) Wha????? Noooooooooooooooo!!!!
Aeris: Now who am I going to bid on???
Cait: Well, let's move on. Our next bachelor is a dear friend of my stuffed moogle here. Please welcome, from Narshe, Mog!
( Mog's theme song plays. Mog comes in and does his little dance. 'Awwwwwwwww''s can be heard from the audience )
Mog: Kupopo, kupoMog, Kupohopopo kupo kupopo kupopipo kupohopi kupopopo!
Cait: ( leans over to his stuffed moogle to hear the translation from him ) My stuffed moogle say that Mog is saying 'Hi, my name is Mog, I live in the cave of Narshe and I love to dance!'....bidding will start at 100 gil.
Aeris: He's soooooooo cute! 500 gil!
Elena: Awwwwwww...how cute! 1,000 gil!
Tseng: ( in the audience sitting behind Elena ) You're sounding so weak! We're Turks!
Elena: But he's sooo cute! Besides, who's the weak one here? You chickened out of this at the last minute!
Tseng: .......
Tifa: 2,000 gil! I could use him as a stuffed toy!
Carrie: Mama Terra, can we please take that cute little moogle home?
Terra: But Carrie! I'm here to take a bachelor home, not a moogle!
Carrie: Please? Pretty please? ( puppy dog look )
Terra: ( throws her hands up in frustration ) Alright, alright! 10,000 gil!
Cait: 10,000 gil going once....
Tifa: 10,000? Too expensive for a toy.
Aeris: 10,000?....not worth it....
Cait: Going twice..sold to the green hair chick for 10,000 gil!
Carrie: ( jumps up ) Yay!!!!!!
Terra: ( place her hand over her forehead and sighs ) I'm not even married and I can't enjoy my single life....
Cait: Okay! Our next bachelor is a skilled martial-artist. From Figaro Kingdom, please welcome Sabin Rene Figaro!
( Figaro theme plays. Sabin comes on and does a few slashes with his claw )
Tifa: Hey! Isn't that the Tiger Fang? That's MY weapon!
Sabin: Yeah right, like a lady can handle a claw.
Tifa: Are you doubting my fighting skills?
Sabin: Well, yeah! First of all, you're a girl, and secondly how can you fight with those way over-sized silicon breasts and that short skirt?
Tifa: WHAT?!? These are real! You want to take it outside???
Sabin: I'll never fight a girl.
Tifa: I'll MAKE you. I will bid 100,000 gil for this man right here!
Cait: 100,000 gil going once.......twice...........sold to Tifa for 100,000 gil!
Tifa: Now I own you for the rest of the night! Get your butt outside and we'll settle it right now!
Sabin: You will regret this....
( Sabin and Tifa heads outside )
Cait: Okay...that was strange...our next bachelor would be Sabin's twin brother. Please welcome, the King of Figaro Kingdom, Edgar Roni Figaro!
( Figaro theme plays. Edgar comes in, does the wiggling finger pose. )
Edgar: Good evening, all you lovely ladies! I'm sure you would want to bid on the handsome young king!
Elena: Gee, who do you think you are? Some lady-killer or something?
Edgar: Well, yeah! Who can resist me?
Elena: Ack! I'm not wasting my gil on this arrogant jerk.
Yuffie: A king....hmmmmmm ( calls to Edgar ) Hey! Is Figaro a rich kingdom?
Edgar: Yeah, it's the most wealthy kingdom in my world.
Yuffie: ( eyes flash with money signs ) I'll bid 100 gil for this guy!
Cait: 100 gil going once.......twice.......sold to Yuffie for 100 gil!
Edgar: I'm worth 100 gil only????
Yuffie: ( drags Edgar out the auditorium ) C'mon, bring me to your castle now!
Cait: Our next bachelor is a vampire-like sort of person..maybe he IS a vampire, that I don't know. Please welcome, the man that looks like 27 years old but is actually old enough to be Sephiroth's dad, Vincent Valentine!
( Vincent's theme song plays. Vincent comes in and throws his cape back )
Vincent: No matter what anyone says, I am NOT a vampire...I am merely a condemned soul.
Elena: Man, he's hot! 10,000 gil!
Tseng: Elena! How could you bid on another man?
Elena: You backed out, so too bad! Besides, those crimson eyes are so cool!
Tseng: Turks are suppose to stick together!
Elena: He IS a Turk!
Tseng: Correction - WAS!!!
Cait: Going once........twice....sold to Elena for 10,000 gil!
Tseng: Vincent! You'll pay for stealing my girlfriend!
Vincent: .........
Elena: I was never your girlfriend! We haven't even gone out yet!
Tseng: I was going to take you out for dinner, but Sephiroth killed me, remember?
Cait: Oh yeah! How can you be here if you're dead already?
Tseng: How should I know? Why is Aeris alive then?
Aeris: ( shrugs ) I dunno.
Sephiroth: ( backstage ) WHO CARES! LET'S MOVE ON! I'M NEXT!
Cait: Why the heck is Sephiroth alive as well??? This doesn't make any sense!
Sephiroth: THIS IS A FANFIC! IT DOESN'T HAVE TO MAKE SENSE!
Cait: .......
Sephiroth: LET'S GO!
Cait: Okay, okay! Our next bachelor already sort of introduced himself...please welcome, from Nibelheim but even himself does not know that he was born there, Sephiroth!
( One-winged Angel plays. Audience boo at Sephiroth as he comes out and shows-off a few swings with his Masamune. )
Sephiroth: My name is Sephiroth and I AM GOD! HAHAHAHAHAHA!
Aeris: Sephiroth! You will pay for what you did to me! 10,000 gil!
Tseng: You will pay for what you did to me! 20,000 gil!
Cait: Um, men are not allowed to place bids. This is a BACHELOR auction, only ladies can bid. Unless you admit you're gay, Tseng, then we'll make an exception.
Tseng: I'm not gay!
Cait: Oh yeah? Then how come you never had a girlfriend? Besides, you work with so many men that it probably affected your mind or something.
Tseng: That doesn't mean I'm gay!
Cait: Well, then why are you here on a *male* bachelor auction then?
Tseng: I came with Elena!
Cait: She left with Vincent! So you should be gone by now too!
Aeris: CAN WE PLEASE MOVE ON? I WANT MY REVENGE ON SEPHIROTH!
Cait: Okay, okay! If Tseng refuse to admit he's either gay or bisexual-
Tseng: I'M NOT!
Cait: Then I guess his bids doesn't count. 10,000 gil going once.....twice.........sold to Aeris for 10,000 gil!
Aeris: Get over here you! ( takes Sephiroth's Masamune and throws it away ) Now you can't kill me! Hahaha!
Cait: Okay! Our next and final bachelor would be the rocket scientist. Please welcome, from Rocket Town, Cid Highwind!
( Cid's theme song plays. Cid comes in, light a cigarette and puffs a few smoke clouds )
Cid: The ^&%#@* reason I'm here is that I have to pay off that *&(^$# long overdue cigarette bill, so make this quick and let me get on with my $^%#& life!
Scarlet: What? He's the last guy? That's it?? This sucks! Oh well, I'm not leaving without a man! 200 gil!
Cid: *#%$^&^&%! I don't want to go with this b*&$^!
Shera: Oh oh oh! I bid 1,000 gil!
Scarlet: 10,000!
Shera: 20,000!
Scarlet: 50,000!
Shera: 50,000? I'm not sure I have that much. Let me see... ( takes out gil and counts each gil slowly )
Cait: 50,000 going once.....
Cid: *&^$! Shera, hurry up!
Cait: .....going twice....
Cid: SHERA!
Cait: Sold to Scarlet for 50,000 gil!
Shera: I got it! 60,000 gil!
Cait: Too late!
Cid: NOOOOOOOOOOO! Shera, why do you always have to be so slow????
Scarlet: You're mine now! ( drags Cid out of auditorium )
Cait: And that concludes our auction! Good night everyone and have fun with your bachelor! ( finally notice his crown's gone ) Hey! What the????
The outcome for each couple.....
Relm painted pictures of Cloud for the whole night, which is okay for Cloud but the problem is that the paintings keep coming to life and tries to attack Cloud with an Omnislash.
Locke and Celes went back to Kohlingen. Since thet are couples already, that night wasn't much difference from other nights they spent together.
The children in Mobliz adored Mog. Terra just styed in her room and whined about her life.
Sabin and Tifa fought for the whole night. After exchanging countless number of Bum Rushes and Final Heavens neither of them were able to claim victory. They ran home and whined to their masters.
Yuffie knocked Edgar out when he was guiding her to his bedroom, and she ran away from Figaro with all the royal jewels.
Elena tried to get Vincent in bed but he refused to lie down anywhere except in a coffin. Elena, refused to be inside a coffin, left in frustration.
Aeris thought that Sephiroth would not be able to kill her without the Masamune, but she forgot that the Masamune just reappears in Sephiroth's hands no matter where it was last placed. So Sephiroth, once again, killed Aeris with the Masamune.
Cid decided he would rather go to jail for not paying his long overdue cigarette bill than spending a night with Scarlet so he slapped Scarlet in the face, called her a b*&%$ and ran away. Next morning the cigarette company called the police to arrest Cid for not making his payment like he promised and so he ended up in jail.
And so that concludes this little fanfic.
******
Author's note:
Well, this is my first attempt at writing a comedy...just throw in whatever that came into my mind and this is the result :) If you have any comments or suggestion, please email me at lilithmorrigan@oocities.com!
The Final Fantasy Bachelor Auction! © 1999 by Lilith Morrigan aka Midnite Angel Aeris