Sayings that should be on
buttons…
1. Well, this day was a total
waste of makeup.
2. Make yourself at home! Clean my
kitchen.
3. Who are these kids and why are they calling
me Mom?
4. An erection doesn't count as personal
growth.
5. Don't bother me. I'm living happily ever
after.
6. Do I look like a freakin' people person?
7.
This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent
lighting.
8. I started out with nothing & still have
most of it left.
9. I pretend to work. They pretend to
pay me.
10. I've found Jesus. He was behind the sofa the
whole time.
11. If I throw a stick, will you
leave?
12. You! Off my planet!
13. Therapy is
expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
14.
Practice random acts of intelligence & senseless acts of
self-control.
15. Bottomless pit of needs &
wants.
16. I like cats, too. Let's exchange
recipes.
17. Friendly checkout clerk. Thanks for keeping
me that way!
18. If I want to hear the pitter patter of
little feet, I'll put shoes on my cat.
19. Does your
train of thought have a caboose?
20. The Bible was
written by the same people who said the Earth was
flat.
21. Did the aliens forget to remove your anal
probe?
22. Errors have been made. Others will be
blamed.
23. God was my co-pilot, but we crashed into the
mountains and I had to eat Him.
24. Let me show you how
the guards used to do it.
25. And just how may I screw
you over today?
26. And your crybaby whiny-assed opinion
would be…?
27. I'm not crazy, I've just been in a very
bad mood for 30 years.
28. If only you'd use your powers
for good instead of evil…
29. See no evil, hear no evil,
date no evil.
30. A PBS mind in an MTV world.
31.
Yeah, right! Like I'm going to put that icky thing in my
mouth.
32. Allow me to introduce my selves.
33.
Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
34. Whisper
my favorite words: "I'll buy it for you."
35. Better
living through denial.
36. Whatever kind of look you
were going for, you missed.
37. Suburbia: where they
tear out the trees & then name streets after them.
38.
Adult child of alien invaders.
39. Do they ever shut up
on your planet?
40. I'm just working here till a good
fast-food job opens up.
41. Are those your eyeballs? I
found them in my cleavage.
42. I'm not your type. I'm
not inflatable.
43. I'm trying to imagine you with a
personality.
44. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
45. Stress is when you wake up screaming &
you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
46. Mall whore: I can suck the numbers right off your credit cards.
47. After I cook the vegetables, what do I
do with the wheelchairs?
48. Here I am! Now what are
your other two wishes?
49. Back off! You're standing in
my aura.
50. I can't remember if I'm the good twin or
the evil one.
51. Don't worry. I forgot your name,
too!
52. Adults are just kids who owe money.
53. One
of us is thinking about sex…OK, it's me.
54. How many
times do I have to flush before you go away?
55. I have
a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I
leave the house?
56. I just want revenge. Is that so
wrong?
57. It's sick the way you people keep having sex
without me.
58. I work 40 hours a week to be this
poor.
59. You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad
thing.
60. Can I trade this job for what's behind door
#2?
61. Okay, okay, I take it back! UnScrew you!
62.
Macho Law forbids me from admitting I'm wrong.
63. Nice
perfume. Must you marinate in it?
64. Not all men are
annoying. Some are dead.
65. Too many preps, not enough
circuses.
66. Chaos, panic, & disorder-my work here is
done.
67. A woman's favorite position is CEO.
68.
Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
69. You look like shit. Is
that the style now?
70. Everyone thinks I'm psychotic,
except for my friends deep inside the earth.
71. Earth
is full. Go home.
72. Is it time for your medication or
mine?
73. Does this condom make me look fat?
74. Did
I mention the kick in the groin you'll be receiving if you
touch me?
75. I plead contemporary insanity.
76. And
which dwarf are you?
77. I refuse to star in your
psychodrama.
78. I thought I wanted a career, turns out
I just wanted paychecks.
79. How do I set a laser
pointer to stun?
80. It ain't the size, it's…no, it's
the size.
81. Meandering to a different drummer.
82.
I'm not tense, just terribly, terribly alert.
83. I
majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to
go?