23rd April 1999

Haruko is dead. That is what is in my mind every waking day of my life since the day they laid Haruko into the grave amidst the silent crying of relatives and friends. Why am I writing this? I don't know. But I remember Haruko telling me that writing about our feelings, sad or happy, will always make us feel less alone - it's like talking to a friend. I thought it was just a waste of time, that I already have Haruko to whom I tell her my secrets, my life, but now she is... dead.
I was at a loss when it finally hit me that she no longer will be at my side, listening to my tales of glory and laughing her sweet laugh of hers when I tell her my stupid jokes. I loved her. I wish I could've told her that when she was alive but my courage, which comes out when confronted with danger, hides when I see her. No use wishing now because she's gone...

This is stupid.

27th April 1999

I am trying this again out of repect for Haruko. I have not told you this before but Haruko gave me this journal when she was lying in her death bed. She said that if I feel anything, anything at all, I need to write it out on this journal. I told her that it would not be necessary, that she would get better and that she will still be the one I tell her my feelings to. I was this close in telling her my love for her, but at that moment her mother came in.

Haruko was so pale as she was lying there against her peach-coloured sheets. Her hands felt cold to touch and she looked very weak. The doctors couldn't find anything wrong with her, just that she has lost a lot of blood. It was baffling because how can you lose blood when you don't have any wounds? Except those two mosquito bites on her neck. That does not account for a wound. By the end of the fourth week she has passed away. I wish I could...

28th April 1999

I saw Haruko! By Gods I did!

Last night I was walking along the road past her house to reach mine when I heard a voice singing. I thought it was coming from a radio or a tv but as I strained to hear, it was the childhood song Haruko used to sing when she was feeling happy. And the voice was Haruko's! My feet slowly led me to the back garden where the singing came from and my heart began beating fast as I came near, the words of the song becoming more distinct. When I finally reached the fence to the back garden, to my surprise it wasn't locked because the Akagis were always sure to keep their fences and doors locked when they sleep but that thought flew out of me when I saw her standing there, sitting on a swing in her pale blue dress which we buried her in, her dark brown hair swinging gently with her movements.

I ran up to her without thought and she opened her arms to receive me. The body that I held in my arms were cold but it was Haruko nonetheless. I've never held her like that before but I didn't care because she was there! Alive! In my arms!

I cried and cried until my sight grayed and I passed out. The Akagis found me on the ground this morning and as much as I like to tell them about what I had seen (and touched) last night, I couldn't find it in my heart to distress them further in their period of mourning. Now I am back in my room, telling you what has happened because I'm afraid that I might find myself forgetting my (probably) last meeting with Haruko. But how can I forget that? How soft her body was against mine, her sweet cocoa-butter scent she always uses invading my mind and her soft voice singing that happy (but in this circumstances it made me feel malencholic) song.

However I am a bit puzzled to remember other things mixing with my last night's memory of Haruko. Instead of Haruko's slim arms holding me close to her feminine body, in my mind I could remember the feeling of strong arms holding me tight against a man's solid one. And instead of Haruko's wide innocent eyes meeting my red and tear-filled ones, a pair of dark blue eyes framed by thick lashes looked at me with their piercing gaze that was possessive.
That was when I think I passed out but not until I could feel lips grazing the area behind my ear.

I think I'm going to get some sleep. I feel very tired.


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