The noise around me barely disturbed my thoughts as I weaved my way through the throng of students after the last class before lunch. I was however, snapped out of my musings when I saw him across from me, seemingly as oblivious as I was to the activity until he looked up and saw me in front of him. We were just a few steps apart but it felt to me as if there was a thousand metres gap with the way we were struggling not to go to each other but wanting to. I looked into his brown eyes and saw the feelings in them mirror with what I was feeling inside.

Love, need, want... and indecision.

Before, we have been grudging partners at best but as we grew closer by circumstances, we felt a change in our relationship. He was more sensitive and caring to me than before and in turn I became more open and trusting with him. I thought that what I felt for him was the purest love a person can have for a friend.
It was three days ago in one of our many sleepovers at my house did something happen to make us realise the danger of our closeness. There was a storm the night before and somehow, the rain managed to seep through the window panes and wet the thin carpeting of my floor. Not wanting him to sleep on the soggy floor, I invited him to sleep with me on my single bed. He did not mind and that night we slept through the sound of the pelting rain, covered by the only one quilt I have and the warmth of each other's presence. In the morning I woke up a few seconds before he did, his eyelids fluttering open to see the bed-raggled look on my face. I was laying on my back and he was curled around me, his legs tangled with mine as his arms held me not uncomfortably. I liked it and so I did not move, looking at him while he looked at me with a sleepy smile on his face. We stayed that way in comfortable silence until I brought a hand up to rub his bare arm that was slung over my chest. He gave me a soft smile and a look of warmth shone in his eyes before something akin to shock replaced it.
I wondered what had made him look troubled when all I was feeling was utter contentment. And then I realised it.
There I was in a bed, with another guy curled up beside me, and me feeling as if it was just one of the natural things in the world. I felt my heart beat quickly in my chest and knew that he felt it with his arm laying against the area where my heart was. He blushed as I did and suddenly he was sitting up, mumbling hurriedly about needing to go home. Quickly, he got out of bed and put on his clothes that were draped across the chair, before making a swift exit out of my room.
I just lay there alone, confused and worried of what had just happened, disappointed that he has left and feeling cold from the sudden lack of warmth around me.

From that moment, he avoided me other than when we had to practice and even at that time he treated me indifferently than anyone else on the team. Even if I acted unconcerned, it tore at me horribly and I knew he felt the same of my distance from the look in his eyes.

And now I see the same look in his eyes in addition to the other turmoiled thoughts as we stared at each other, both unwilling to move to close to distance - afraid that it might be a prelude to something we might regret.

It seemed hours that we stood there frozen until one of his friends bumped him from behind, attemping to push him forward like a farmer to a stubborn ox. He responded with a half-hearted curse before continuing to walk forward, not sparing me another glance but I could feel his body buzz with tension as he brushed past me in the crowded corridor. I did not look back but willed my legs to move one step at a time, away from the person that I had unknowingly allowed to steal my heart.

Out of sight

Out of mind

Out of time To decide


*****

I lay on the rooftop with the soft warm breeze blowing about me and my eyes were wide open. It was an ideal day for a nap, but I could not seem to bring myself to it when my mind was still sorting out my feelings for him.
He is undoubtedly my best-friend and whether I like it or not, he understands me more than anyone else I know. Often, I would look towards him whether it was for assistance, agreement or acceptance and though sometimes I resent the dependency that I have from him, I have never felt more satisfied in my life.

How I felt for him was altogether new to me. I was afraid of it. It was unknown and without a doubt risky, and more than once I have mentally kicked myself that I have let it grow this much. I could not stop it now and I don't know if I want to.

Do we run?

Should I hide?

For the rest of my life?


*****

I confronted him as soon as his friend, Yohei, left him alone in the street. It was late in the afternoon and the rays of the setting sun has already turned dusky orange. I walked out of the hidden corner of the wall that I was leaning against and stood there, waiting for him to acknowledge my presence. The smile that was lingering on his lips from being with Yohei suddenly disappeared to be replaced by an expression of surprise. And trepidation.

Like the last time, we stood there motionless and quiet, this time without anyone else around us.

"We need to talk," I said without preamable.

His look turned anxious and he seemed as if ready to bolt but my expression of seriousness made him stop. He knew as well as I do that it was inevitable.

"Where?" he finally croaked out

"Your house," I answered. That way he wouldn't be reminded of that morning of the sleepover and if he wanted to run away this time, he would have to think twice since it was his home. Anyway, I knew that his mother was out that for the week so it was the perfect place for the conversation that I had in mind.

He nodded and together we walked to his house in silence. I ached for that time when we were close before this shit started. He would fill the air with his chatter and even if sometimes his voice got too loud and too obnoxious, it was better than this silence.

Our steps seemed heavy but we finally managed to reach his house five minutes later. Out of courtesy he offered me a drink but all I did with the cup of warm tea was to hold it in my suddenly cold hands as he sat across from me with the table between us. Under normal cirsumstances, he would share with me the couch I was sitting on, our legs bumping as we talked and joked about everything and anything. This, however, was not normal.

"What happened?" I asked. I vaguely wondered why my voice sounded puzzled when I knew I have rehearsed this question in my mind a hundred times.

He cast his eyes down to his lap, his knuckles nearly white as he clutched the tray that he had used to bring me the drink.

"I don't know," he replied, his voice as soft as mine.

I was lost. He usually has an answer for everything, stupid or not, that with this unexpected reply I was left floundering. I took a moment to gather my thoughts before speaking again.
"What do we do?"

Can we fly?

Do I stay?

We could lose

We could fail

In a moment it takes

To make plans

Or mistakes

"We stay friends," he told me.

I looked up and met his eyes which was filled with determination and hope. Probably like me, he wished to at least salvage our friendship which has grown precious since the moment we became close friends.

I nodded absently, knowing that he would say that, at the same time wondering in my mind if we were just being cowards at not wanting to face this problem head on.

I was called on to that matter a month later.

Slowly, but suredly, we went back to the way we were. He started talking to me again and sharing his thought and jokes so easily that I thought that what had happened between us never happened at all. I still could see a hint of uncertainty and embarassment in his eyes a few times, though, but not enough of it for me to make it a big deal of. What caught my attention more was the shine in his eyes that thankfully did not fade. Sometimes I thought I could see something else in them - something different, but oddly welcome. It was as if he was thinking of something when he looked at me and even if I do not know what it was it made me feel special.

One night, around one month after our 'discussion', we were sitting in his living room watching a movie, both of us sharing the couch as we ate the packet of chips we bought earlier. It was very comfortable and I felt at peace as we sat there, shoulder to shoulder, our eyes glued to the set.

When the movie ended it was already 11.30 by the clock on the wall. The credits began to roll and I looked at him, waiting for him to invite me to sleep or suggesting that we do something else, like make some food in the kitchen like we did last time.

The look on his face was that of a person happy with his life and I knew it was reflected on mine as we looked at each other a beat longer. I lifted my hand and brushed away a stray lock from his brow, briefly feeling the softness of his skin just before his hand shot up to hold my hand still.

"What are you doing?" he demanded, his voice indignant but softly-spoken.

I did not answer but lifted my face to brush my mouth against the brow that my fingers caressed a moment ago.

"Don't do this..."

I kissed his temple.

"This is wrong..."

I kissed his shuttered eyelids.

"We'll lose everything..."

I kissed the area under his eyes.

"I don't want this..."

I kissed his cheek.

"I hate you..."

I kept on kissing him all over his face while he continued to tell me why it wasn't right and pleading that I should stop.
Finally I reached the corner of his trembling mouth and before I could pull away, he turned his head so that our lips touched. It was a just a mere brush of his lips against mine when suddenly he pressed against me and kissed me hard. I responded in kind and began to wound my free hand around his neck wanting to pull him closer if possible. My other hand was still held tightly in his bruising grip while his other hand clutched at my shoulder as if for support.

30 minutes a blink of an eye

30 minutes to alter our lives

30 minutes to make up my mind

30 minutes to finally decide

30 minutes to whisper your name

30 minutes to shoulder the blame

30 minutes of bliss, 30 lies

30 minutes to finally decide

When I felt my lungs about to burst, I reluctantly released him, pulling back to see the look on his face if not to replenish my lungs of needed air. His face was flushed, his lips swollen and his expression looked delightfully dazed.

"I-"

I put my fingers on his lips to quieten him.

Can we fly? Do I stay?

We could lose

We could fail

Either way, options change

Chances fail

Trains derail

"I know," I said, "You don't want this, you don't need this, you hate me....
But I love you. I want this, I need you and I'm not afraid that I might lose everything."
I felt a prickle in my eyes and was stunned to realise that I was crying. He looked amazed himself before he braved himself to touch the tears with gentle fingers, before they made their way past my cheeks.

Carousels in the sky
That we shape with our eyes

Under shade, sillhouetes

Casting shame

Crying rain

Lifting his eyes from staring at the wetness under my eyes, I was surprised to see his own eyes glassy with emotion. Those liquid brown orbs were full of warmth and love as he looked at me unwaveringly.

Suddenly, the clock on the wall began to chime 12 times, but I could clearly hear the words that escaped his mouth.

"I lied."


*****

30 minutes a blink of an eye

30 minutes to alter our lives

30 minutes to make up my mind

30 minutes to finally decide

30 minutes to whisper your name

30 minutes to shoulder the blame

30 minutes of bliss, 30 lies

30 minutes to finally decide

To decide, to decide, to decide, to decide...

~Owari

Lyrics are taken from the song "30 Minutes" sung by taTu

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