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I'm drowning in sadness
Falling far behind
I feel there is just no way out
Is there anyone there? Where am I?

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The tears of pain cut through my heart and I can feel myself being torn apart by the claws of pain. I could feel myself drowning, I cannot breathe, not with the boulder of past lying on me, not with the sea of sadness flooding me. What sorrow! I can feel myself crying. Many things which had happened, many voices which I heard-- Voices of angels and voices of the Devil.

What have I done?

I can feel the chains of deeds drag me along to the fire of death, and I can feel myself being lost in the accusation of self.

I could have cried out, Someone kill me! Save me from the pain! But who would? Who could? I'm lost in the tide of time to be dragged into the darkness of past.

Locked in the cage of accusations… Trapped by the chains of past… What right thing have I done? Why did no one save me? Was I unworthy?

Or was no one there at all? No one to save me from the past? Then…

Where am I?

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Insanity and loneliness
Tear my painful heart
Broken heart keeps on going to beat
But it never stops bleeding

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I am no longer in reality. I am locked in the cage of self. I am living in my world of past and I am insane. Insane from the pain which rose along with my memories. I live in my own asylum.

He has gone.

My asylum only magnify my pain, and distinguishes the isolation apart from the sadness. My heart lives on, though never whole, and it disintegrates with the beak of pain and loneliness, melts with the past.

Still it lives.

It lives… But… It will never be whole again.

Dwelling in sadness, it only bleeds further.

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I've been waiting for love to come
Someone who wants to touch me inside
Memories of my yesterdays ___________________________________________________________________________________________

I was waiting for my soulmate. I would have waited forever, had I not stopped waiting. I would wait again, when I have the strength.

I wanted love! I wanted…

Blind desires only make my heart bleed further. Blind desire made me the replica of the fallen angel. Blind desires kill me and strips me of my righteous soul.

My soul is lost with the desires.

I had been blinded by them.

I long to cry out, and I will, had I got the strength and courage. For the painful memories dwell deep within though I had tried to get them off my back. Though I tried to pull them out of my bleeding wound, though I tried to forget.

My past floods me with its tears and relishes with my pain. How sadistic can The Accuser be?!

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Careless words and deeds
Masquerade of love
Gotta find my way outta here

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I had done many wrong things. This suffering of guilt only makes the memories laugh out with pleasure, as they keep coming back to torment me.

I had hurt him. I had taken away many things I should not have.

***

"I don't love you, all I care for are material things." It was a sentence of self despise.

"X…" He cried out. "No.."

"I have no love."

"I don't believe it, and you shouldn't. Believe in yourself."

"I truly, madly, deeply have no love!" I shouted. "I'll show you!"

I had forgotten why… I only remember the cruel facts. Still, maybe it was because of lust. Love had been turned to lust and I did what I shouldn't have.

In his sobs, despite his pleading, despite his cries, despite of his wishes… I raped him. I pushed him down and kissed him, despite his tearful eyes, despite my own hurting heart.

He thrashed at me, and I've done all I did.

"If I loved you, I would never have done this." I said, with tears in my eyes. "I would have waited till you were ready."

But he said, "I forgive, for you know not what you do." And he picked up his clothes and put them on, just as I picked up my sins and went on.

I left him since that incident, and I went into the heaven of demons. I took drugs and drank. I went out with girls just for sex and I tried to play the game of love. Their love was so different from his love. His love was self sacrificing and theirs was material. Big difference.

He tried to talk me out of drugs, waited for me to come back, but I never did and went on hurting him. Despite the fact, he remained faithful and waited for me.

But he was gone, to be in memories and only the tormentors.

***

If I could stop remembering this things, no matter for what price, I would. I have lost what was most important to me, and I still love him.

If only I can be out of here, I would not live in the past. If only I can, I would not dwell in my pain.

If only!

__________________________________________________________________________________________

I was blinded by dark desire
Over time I've been through it all
I'm crying my share of tears

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To think of it, I was overcame by the locusts of The Deciever and I did what I did. I had been blinded by my life. I trashed about trying to get myself off my back all the while holding hands with the spirit of Delilah. I went through all that I could from it, as the tide washed him away. I knew then, what was truly love but it was too late.

I learnt then, how to deny self-denial but it was too late. Now tears are too late to be let loose, but I still do.

__________________________________________________________________________________________

What can I do
Will I make it through
I must be true to myself

__________________________________________________________________________________________

I have went through so much, made so many mistakes… And many a time I have lied to myself telling me that I would be able to do something and go through these mere trails.

But they were not trails. They were devastation. They killed me, buried my soul alive, sliced my heart in two and I find myself never intact again. Locusts came and ate everything, leaving me with nothing but a bleeding heart.

What I have left is only that and I don't know whether my heart will withstand this. There's nothing I can do about it anymore… I can't even wait for you. What agony… If only someone would help me… If only…

But no one will; no one can. Hah! Lies, lies, lies. I told myself that I could rely on myself or or and others, and nobody helps, not even myself. I told myself that I could face the truth but could never. What hit me harder was the shock after I let down my preparation.

I know I can never face it, I know! But I never can be true… I try to rely on myself.

I leave it all to fate now… I must be true… Or I will suffer another big defeat again.

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Voiceless screaming
Calling to me inside of my heart
Voiceless screaming
Now it's time I got to speak out
___________________________________________________________________________________________

A small voice yells out to me, a small voice which urges me to go on. I will get through this, after all. I will, it tells me. I wonder… What have I felt? I felt helpless… I had no strength, no courage to have any strength.

I could have done nothing, I realise, if I just let it come so that I can deal with it later it will hit me hard. If I just listen to fate I never would have strifed, never would have gotten through. Would have just let it gone on forever.

But… If I try… If I do whatever I can to get it over with, I will survive and it will leave me. It lies in my hands, afterall, not totally in fate's hands.

I relish at that.

It calls at me again, and I know I will do something… Something to deal with the darkness, the pain…

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Voice of faith, I'm starting to realise
Now my eyes can see
I have gone so far
I'm feeling breath of life
___________________________________________________________________________________________

I believe. And because I believe, I found the voice to call for battle against Fate. I was thrashing about from its destruction but now I'm no puppet of fate.

It cannot decieve me any longer! Although I wiill never know what will happen to me in the future, I will live on. I will carry on. I have come so far into maturity from all the destruction. I have learnt many things.

Now I know and I can see. I will not let fate manipulate me any longer. I can feel my heart beating inside of me, telling me to go on. I can feel it screaming, telling me that I can turn my back from fate's hands and it would never be able to harm me. I can feel love's breath breathing down, telling me that he will never want to see me this way. I can feel so much in one moment that it is such a great miracle.

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And I'm lookin for love to reach
Someone I want to touch deep inside
Light shines on my sight of doubt
Don't be afraid
Move forward one step
Willing mind is what I have found at last
___________________________________________________________________________________________

I search my heart for the pain for love, for love's wings to extend to the message I have always wanted to tell him, the message I have always wanted to send despite my insane deprivation. "Sumimasen to ai shiteru, ai." That's all. I really loved him, and besides him I would never have loved anyone else. Never.

Please… Someone please send this message to him… I feel the wind blowing against my face, my harbor of my soul, and I wish it will bring it to his heart. Although he is gone…

Somehow, I believe. I will always believe, though a faint shock of electricity tells me never will he exist anywhere anyhow, and even if he exists as another being, he will never remember me, and even if he does remember me, he will never forgive me.

But I tell myself with the light of hope, even the faint spark of hope is able to overcome this wall, this wall which protected me from letting down of hope and denied me the happiness of hope.

I should never be afraid that I will be let down again. I should believe, now I know.

I will overcome this, I will stand up and fight against it.

My heart contacts my mind and tells it not to believe in logic again, and finally…

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Voiceless screaming
Calling to me inside of my heart
Knockin on my soul's door
I believe in myself and trust in what I do

___________________________________________________________________________________________

My love calls at me again, tugging at my heart strings, trying to tell me not to fear fear itself anymore. Telling me that my soul needs to let love come in, needs to let love sturate its broken debris.

I listen, and finally I prepare for battle without preparing first aid.

With my own tears.
___________________________________________________________________________________________

Voiceless screaming
Pain of past still hurts me inside
Knockin on my soul's door
I climb the stairs that lead me to heaven
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Many struggles have taken place, and I have grown a step further. A step older. I am no longer my old timid wicked self, but a newly-seeing man.

But it still hurts me, that I have hurt him so much… I promise to myself, if I ever find himI will never practise self-denial again. I will never hurt him again.

A hand taps me on my arm, and I see a youth, much younger than I am. "I'm sorry, but…"

I study the youth a moment, and see a rather beautiful face, there, which reminds me of the beauty which I have spawned long ago.

"I seem to notice that your heart seemed to be crying…"

I smile. "What's your name, young man?"

"XX…" He seems surprised.

Y… I have finally found you…I tap his shoulder. "Arigatou…"

He has found my heart at long last, tapped into it.

"?"

"You will know someday, XX…" that had been the way he consoled me many years ago. "Why not let's go to S's Café? Perhaps it will be better if I tell you about the past there…"

Together, we walk up the hotel's stairs to the café.

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Yo! Finally completed this. Another happy ending… I'll complete author's notes tommorrow. Nite!

Here I am. Mr Peach, my Eng Literature teacher showed us a poem by a girl. In the poem it seemed as if she had lost all love, lost all trust in the world and feels unfinished. I kinda liked that poem. Mr Peach asked me what was it about and I replied what I thought. At the end of the lesson he said, "Good work", and I wondered what for, since I said no more than a sentence. Perhaps he felt my emptiness deep inside, like the girl's emptiness.

Anyway, I don't know why, somehow I made X to be a guy and Y to also be a guy, again. Come to think of it, I've made many characters abnormal. Somehow I prefer to write about guy-guy relationships. I hate writing about normal or girl-girl relationships… Maybe I'm just abnormal. Anyway, X was 28yrs or so when he wrote this, and Y, reincarnated as XX, was 16 or so, at most 18 when he found X. They had been youths, X 18-19 and Y 16-17, when the painful hurtful past happened,17 when he died. This should provide a clear timeline, if you ever bothered to read this.

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