Many of you have seen the film "Titanic" which is about a great big
boat that sank like a thousand years ago that for some reason everone
is just now getting worked up about. Some of you-I am speaking to the
women here-have seen this movie several times. And I would like to know
why. Have the principles of film-making not been adequately explained to
you, so you think there's a chance the movie will end differently if you
see it again? Do you think this is a "Choose Your own Adventure" movie?
Or a good movie? Because it is not. NO matter how many times you see it,
the boat is going to sink, and the same people are going to die,
including the guy who falls and whacks his noggin on the railing on the
way down. I think this movie is entirely too long. The actual sinking
of the Titanic took only four hours; the movie is easily three times
that long. (Note to reader: from the following choices, select the
"this-movie-is-too-long" line you like best and go with it.) Savings
bonds have matured in less time than it takes to watch this movie. Many
marriages do not last as long as this movie. I had to shave twice during
this movie. Three Eastern European nations were formed while I was
watching this movie. As a public service then, I am offering my
much-shortened screenplay which some ambitious film-maker can feel free
to use as the script for a shorter version of "titanic." All I want in
return is a lot of money.
(Scene 1)
Kate Winslet: Why this is a fancy boat, isn't it?
Kate's Weaselly Fiance: Yes it certainly is. Here is the art you asked
for. It is by an artist named "Picasso." I am certain he will ammount
to nothing.
Kate: Ha, ha, ha (That is very funny to our '90s audience, because of
course Picasso later amounted to quite a bit, after this boat sank.)
Leonardo Dicaprio: Hello, I'm Leonardo Dicaprio. Perhaps you have seen
the many Internet sites dedicated to the worship of me. You are very
pretty.
Kate: Thank you. So are you.
Leo: I know. Prettier than you, in fact. I am going to put on my
"brooding" face now, to ensure that women will keep coming back again
and again to see this movie. Later, my white shirt will be soaking wet.
Kate: While you're doing that, I will concentrate on standing here and
looking pretty, to keep the men in the audience interested until the
boat sinks and people start dying.
Weaselly Fiance: Excuse me. I do not like you, Leonardo, even though
you saved my fiancee's life. I am going to sneer at you and treat you
like dirt because you're poor, and then I'll probably be physically
abusive to my fiancee, and then, just to make sure the audience really
hates me, and to make sure my character is entirely one-dimensional,
perhaps I'll throw an elderly person into the water.
Audience: Boo! We hate you! Even though all real people have at least a
few admirable qualities, we have not been shown any of yours, and
plus, you're trying to come between Leonardo and Kate, and so therefore
we hate you! BOO! (Even though technically it is Leonardo who is
coming between you and Kate. But Leonardo is handsomer than you, even
though he is only 13, so we are on his side. Boo!)
***
(Scene 2)
Leonardo: I'm glad we snuck away like this so that you could cheat on
your fiancee even though you promised and engaged yourself to enter the
covenant of marriage with him, that is no reason why you and I cannot
climb into the backseat of a car and steam up the windows together. The
fact that I am the hero of the movie will no doubt help the cattle-like
audience forgive me of this, though they would probably be VERY angry
indeed if my fiance were to do the same thing to me.
Audience: You bet we would! Moo! We mean, Boo!
Leo: I agree. First I would like to draw you, though, so of course you
will have to take off all your clothes.>>
Kate: But can a movie with five minutes of continuous nudity be at all
successful in, say, Provo, Utah, where the audiences might notstand for
that sort of thing?
Leo: I would be willing to bet that for the first three weeks the film
is in release every single showing at Wynnsong Theatre in Provo will
sell out.
Narrator: According to Wynnsong manager Matt Palmer, that is exactly
what happened.
Kate: All right, then.
(sound of clothes hitting floor)
***
(Scene 3)
First Mate: Captain, we're about to hit an iceberg.
Captain: Great, I could use some ice for my drink (sound of drinking)
Iceberg: (hits boat)
First Mate: That can't be good.
Captain: Bottoms up!
Audience: (silence)
First Mate: That was irony, you fools.
Audience: Baa! Moo! Where's Leonardo?
***
(Scene 4)
Leo: I have been informed that the boat is sinking.
Kate: That is bad
Leo: Would you like to engage in some more immoral-but-justified
behavior?
Kate: Certainly.
Weaselly Fiance: Excuse me, I-
Audience: Boo! Boo!
Weaselly Fiance: (aside) I'm getting the raw end of the deal here (to
Leo) Listen, Leonardo, to cement my morally-dubious-yet-somehow-less-
annoying-than-you personality, I am going to handcuff you to this
pipe, here a room that will soon be filling with water, due to the fact
that we are sinking, which I believe has been mentioned previously.
Leo: Why don't you just shoot me?
Weaselly Fiance: Because then you wouldn't be able to escape and save
Kate from me. Of course, you're going to die anyway--
Audience: Don't spoil it for us! Boo!
Leo: He's right, though, I am doomed.
Audience: Awww, look how cute he is when he's doomed.
Weaselly Fiance: I hate you people.
***
(Scene 5)
150-Year-Old Kate: And that's when Leo rescued me from my evil fiance
and helped me float on a board in the water. Of course, if it hadn't
been for having to rescue HIM, I could have gotten on an actual
lifeboat, and not frozen my legs nearlly off. Anyway, he's pretty much
dead now, and I'm well over a thousand years old, and who's making my
supper? I need a bath. Turn down that Enya music, it's making my ears
hurt. You kids today, with your loud music. Why, when I was-hey! Don't
you walk away from me, Mr. Snooty-Patootie! I'd turn you over my knee,
if I had one. I'll beat you in the head with this huge diamond! Come
back here!
(fade to black; roll credits; play annoying Celine Dion song)
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