Ferdie da Birdie Presents: Bob Kiwi, Private Eye

Chapter One

It was a quiet morning....was....but no Monday is quiet for long....

The sun shines through the office of Bob Kiwi: Private Eye. Bob and Ferdie nap
in their chairs as Iiwi relaxes by the phone. Suddenly, the phone rings,
shattering the silence. Ferdie, who had been leaning his chair on its back
legs, jolts back, tipping to far for the chair to stay balanced, and falls
backwards. Bob jumps at the sound of the phone, smashing up through the
ceiling. Iiwi bolts forward, answering the phone as bits of ceiling float down
through a kiwi-shaped hole in the ceiling.

Iiwi: Hello?......A Murder?! We'll be right there! [turns to Ferdie and Bob]
C'mon, guys! There's been a murder at Madame Bobetta's place! [this meets a
response of a chorus of groans]

Our heroes stand in front of a huge, turn-of-the-century mansion. Set high on a
hill overlooking several acres of gardens and fields, the abode dominates the
landscape. The nearest neighbor (not counting servants' quarters, of course) is
several miles away.

Iiwi: THIS is where you girlfriend lives, Bob?
Ferdie: Wow.
Bob: Summer Cottage. Every now & then she likes to get away from that big ol'
mansion she has inland.

Bob climbs the steps and confidently knocks on the door.

Ferdie: [to Iiwi] I don't get it. What does she see in him?
Iiwi: Well, she's obviously not out for his money....

Gracie, Bobetta's voluptuous French Hen maid, opens the door.

Gracie: Oh, detectives! Come right on in!
Ferdie: gaa.....
Iiwi: [to the drooling Ferdie] THIS is why we don't have a secretary.
Bob: [striding in familiarly] Thanks, Gracie.

Iiwi: [to Gracie, pointing at Gracie's stiletto heels] I hope those ruin your
arches.
Gracie: [leaning against door] They'll still look better than yours, sweetheart.

The detectives enter the foyer, where Iiwi's war of words with Gracie ends with
Bob's discovery of the two prone forms on the floor.

Bob: EGADS! A Double-Murder!
Ferdie: [indicates unconscious Bobetta] Bob, she fainted.
Iiwi: Bob, just look for clues, okay?
Bob: But I've already solved the case!
Ferdia: Oh, really? All-righty, then, whodunnit?
Bob: The BUTLER did it!
Ferdie: [pointing at something on the body] Iiwi, did you see...

Bob: Weep! Police Brutality!
Ferdia: That IS the butler!
Ferdie: So much for the usual suspects....
[off-panel: HEY! Get your law-abiding hands off me!]

Squeaks enters, dragging Ivan in with him. Sign holder follows at a distance.

Iiwi: Speaking of the usual suspects...
Bob: Aaaaaah! The Evil Sir Ivan Kiwi!
Squeaks: Look who I found skulking around outside!
Ivan: I'll skulk anywhere I want, thank you very much!

Iiwi: Ivan!
Ivan: Iiwi!
Iiwi: What are YOU doing here!?!
Ivan: ....I was out jogging

Iiwi: Villains don't jog.
Ivan: This villain does.
Iiwi: With your sign holder?
Ivan: Huh? [turns to Sign Holder] You! ....Didn't I FIRE you?
Sign Holder: Maybe, sir...
Ivan: MAYBE?!?
Iiwi: Ivan!
Ivan: What!

Iiwi: What are you really doing here?
Ivan: Not that it's any of your business, but I came to terminate him. [points]
Bob: WHAT?!

Ivan: I was pointing at Rhett, Bob.
Bob: MURDERER!
Ivan: [shrugging] Hey, I didn't say I was going to kill him. Just terminate
him. You know, as in fire.
Ferdia: He worked for you?

Ivan: He was supposed to tell me - and _only_ me - when important bigwigs came
over & what they were up to. But then he started telling others, and snitching
on my movements & plans as well.
Squeaks: So you killed him.
Ivan: No! Hey, he was Bobetta's butler. Been with her family for years.
Killing him would've upset her... Ferdia: [aside to Ferdie, indicating the still-unconscious Bobetta] Yeah, we can see that...

Ivan: ...besides, look at this mess! I would've had the decency to do it
cleanly....poison, perhaps, or a run-in with a fuel truck...
Ferdie: [aside to Ferdia] Hmmf....if you ask me, backstabbing is just Ivan's
style...
Bob: [to Ivan] But if you didn't kill him, who did?
Ivan: I don't know, but I'm gonna help you find out.
All: Huh?!

Ivan: ....don't want anyone thinking they can muscle onto my territory...
Ferdie: Gee, for a moment there I almost thought he was doing it out of a sense
of justice....
Ferdia: Ivan wouldn't know Justice if the courthouse statue fell on him.
Iiwi: Not that you'll ever get him near a courthouse...
[off-panel: IVAN! Who let YOU in here!?!]

All: Bobetta!
Gracie: Oh, Madame, you have awakened!
Bobetta: [wings on hips, looking a little hurt and _very_ angry] I demand an
explanation for this, Ivan!
Ivan: [shrugs] I didn't do it.
Iiwi: Moreover, he's going to help us find who did. Bobetta: Pish. Why would the Evil Sir Ivan Kiwi do something like that?
Ferdie: [under breath] Things must be rather slow in the criminal underworld...

Ivan: [to Squeaks] So, you coppers establish a time of death yet?
Squeaks: Why, so you can come up with an alibi?
Ivan: Har har har. [to Bob] Bob? What about you guys?
Bob: Well, his watch says...
Ivan: He was stabbed in the back, Bob! There's nothing wrong with his watch!
Bob & Ivan: [glare at each other] grrrrrrrr....

Gracie: If it's any help, Madame retired at 8, and I finished my duties went to
my quarters around 10. Rhett was still busy tidying up.... [starts to get
teary-eyed. Iiwi notices & rolls her eyes] ...and he was like this when I came
down at 6 this morning! [breaks into tears]
[Ferdie moves as if to comfort her, gets LOOKs from Iiwi and Ferdia, moves back to place.]

Iiwi: So we're looking at a time frame of about 8 hours....
Ivan: [to Iiwi] Assuming the maid can be trusted.
Ferdia: [hand on chin, looking thoughtful] We'll work with that until after the
autopsy and lab results come in.

Ivan: What about the gun?
Ferdie: What gun?
Ivan: [points to Ferdia] The one she's got in that baggie there.
Ferdia: It was found next to the body. It's got a full clip, so presumably it
hasn't been fired.
Ivan: Looks like he was expecting trouble.
Bob: Any suggestions as to from whom?
[All look at Bob for a minute, suprised at this intelligent question]
Ferdie: [shrugs] Probably saw it in a movie...
Ivan: [answering Bob's question] Actually, things have been pretty quiet
lately...
[Ferdie, Ferdia, Squeaks, and Bob]: Figures....

Iiwi: Maybe Joe's heard something. [gets surprised looks from all; appreciative
glance from Ivan]
Ferdia: Who?
Ivan: Joe. Runs a nightclub downtown. Popular place, if you know what I mean.
He's probably heard something-
Squeaks: - IF anyone's talking.
Iiwi: Yeah, but this was a sloppy job. Which means it was probably done by a
kid. And kids like to brag.
Ivan: And the Night Owl is the place to go if you're hoping to get noticed by
more...experienced veterans.
Ferdia: Like the bosses?
Ivan: Not exactly. More like the bosses' "Talent Scouts."
Squeaks: But this was more than just some random act by a kid.
Iiwi: Wouldn't have to be. If someone ordered this as a hit, Joe's is also
where you'd go to learn where your payment can be obtained.
Ivan: Exactly.

Ferdia: All right, then. Other officers are interviewing the neighbors and
staff, but so far no one's seen anything suspicious. And it'll be another hour
or two before the lab results come in; maybe even a day or so for the autopsy.
So, as we've got no other leads at the moment, we might as well give it a shot.
Ivan: Right. [into wrist communicator] Start the engine.
Squeaks: And where do you think you're going?
Ivan: To my helicopter.
Squeaks: Oh, no. You're coming with us.
Ivan: Great. [to Iiwi] I love the trust here.
Iiwi: [shrugs] Don't look at me....

The group heads outside. Off to one side of the "cottage" is a large circular
garage with many expensive cars in it. In front of the garage is Bobetta's
stretch limo, which her chauffeur is preparing for travel.

Ferdie: [eyes going wide at sight of limo] Wow....
Iiwi: [flies over to limo, lands on spoiler, scowls] There should be a law
against a car this big.
Ivan: [to Iiwi, muttering] There is. No pink limo can be over one city block in
length. [throws up wings in a defeated gesture] So what does she do? Paints it
black. I can't win...

Bob: [to Bobetta] Maybe you should stay here, with the police, where it's safe.
Bobetta: I'm not afraid.
[A crash is heard. An officer dusting for fingerprints has knocked over a
houseplant.]
Bobetta: Hey! BE CAREFUL! HEY! What are you doing?! STOP IT! You're
getting everything dirty!

[Bobetta lectures police dusting for prints as Bob rejoins the group, who are
admiring Ferdia & Squeaks' prowler.]
Ferdie: Wow, nice squad car.
Ferdia: 0 to 60 mph in under 4 seconds.
Squeaks: Shatterproof glass, completely bulletproof, reinforced steel frame,
rear engine, watertight passenger compartment, onboard radar and infrared, GPS
tracking and positioning, and her tires re-inflate themselves with foam when
they're punctured. Plus she's got a waterproof engine, so she won't stall
underwater.
Ferdie: Double wow.
Ferdia: Yep. You're looking at the future of the police force.

[Suddenly, the prowler explodes in a fantastic burst of flames and smoke.
Shrapnel & glass shards fly everywhere.]

Iiwi: Eeee! [leaps into air, backpedals back to the cottage entrance]
Ivan: [dives into entranceway, behind Sign Holder, who is using the sign as a
shield, just before Iiwi lands backwards. Bobetta does the same]
Ferdie: Whoa! [gets knocked backward]
Ferdia: Aaah! [shields face]

[The blast clears, leaving a smoldering hole in the ground and several brush
fires nearby. Nearby officers rush towards the scene.]

Ivan: [shouting across circuit to Ferdia & Squeaks] Future of the force, huh? I
like it!
Ferdia: [angrily] Noooo! It's not fair! We just got that car!
Squeaks: And it's not even our fault this time!
Iiwi: [shaking wings] Aaah! My wings are singed!
Bobetta: My GARDEN! [bursts into tears]
Bob: [running around madly] I'M ON FIRE!!!!!
Ferdie: [still on back, eyes wide, watching tiny flame on hat brim] Guess this
means we'll be taking our car...
Chapter Two

[An old rusty car streaks down the street with Bob on the roof, acting as the
siren. Iiwi follows on the wing.]

Bob: Weeeeeeeep! Weeeeeep! Weeeeeep!
Ferdia: [hand over face] This is embarrassing....
Ivan: You said it! We could be cruising at 2000 feet in my nice, clean, AIR
CONDITIONED whirly-bird, but NOOOOOOO!
Sign Holder: Sir, you're squishing me, sir.
Ivan: Be quiet, kid, or I'll put you in the trunk with that sign.
Ferdia: Ivan!
Ivan: Hey, I didn't mean it, alright?!
Ferdie: So, any ideas as to why someone would plant a bomb in your prowler, sis?
Ivan: What, you mean other than the fact that they're the only cops in the
precinct with ANY chance of solving this case? Oh, wait, here's one: They were
gonna put ME in it!
Ferdia: Shut up, Ivan. Obviously they wanted us off the case.
Squeaks: Yeah, which is just what's gonna happen when the Chief hears about that
car...

[Car flies over hill, hits bottom hard. Bob bounces & lands on belly]
Bob: [picks himself up] Be careful!
Iiwi: Bob, look out!
Bob: [looks up] AAAAAAAAAAA!
Ferdia: [leans out window, looks towards back of car] Wonder why he switched
sirens?
[Car streaks under low overpass---emerges with Bob pressed to the roof with his
wings over his head]
Bob: AAAAAAAAAAAAAA! [stands up, balls wings into fists] You's all KAZY!
[Car swerves around corner, then slams on brakes. Bob goes airborne & tumbles
down hood, lands on belly.]
Bob: [turns toward windshield] You's 'a makin' me sooooooo ANGRY!!!

Ferdie: Hey, Squeaks, whatcha doin'? Cops don't have to stop at red lights.
Squeaks: They do when they're in a commandeered junkheap with a kiwi for a
siren.
Ferdie: [indignant] Hey, it's a company car!

Iiwi: [perched on rear of car as Bob climbs back onto the roof] How're you
doing, Bob?
Bob: [facing towards front of car] So Angry! SO ANGRY!
[Bob is still standing on the roof dusting himself off when the light turns
green. Squeaks floors the gas pedal. Bob, still ranting and unaware that the
light has changed, is caught off-guard.]
Bob: So ANGR---EEEEEEEEEEE! [thrown off feet, hangs onto edge of roof]
Iiwi: Bob!
Bob: TOO FAST! TOO FAST!!!

Car swerves into alley, then takes another turn ---

Sign Holder: [panicking, grabs Ivan in a cowering sort of hug] Aaa! I
don't want to die, sir!
Ivan: Hey, kid, leggo!
Ferdie: [wide-eyed, leaning forward] Squeaks! You're going the wrong way!
This is a ONE-WAY street!!
Squeaks: Hey this is where HE told me to turn! [thumbs toward Ivan, who is
still trying to separate himself from a hysterical Sign Holder]
Ivan: HEY! I SAID GO STRAIGHT and THEN TURN RIGHT!
Squeaks: [turns in seat, motions off to right] But the pub's right up there!
Ferdia: [dives for steering wheel, narrowly avoiding a head-on collision
with an oncoming truck] Squeaks! Keep your eyes on the road!
Ivan: MY way would have taken us in the back way, so no one'd see us coming!
You know what you two badges' barging in there is gonna do? It'll --- Wait!
What are you doing?!?

Squeaks jerks the wheel all the way to the left. The car swerves into a
fishtail, bounces off the curb, & gets hit in the rear, coming to rest safely
right next to the curb. Bob, however, is thrown off at the fishtail. Iiwi
dives to catch him (I've got you, Bob!), but doesn't have enough room and pulls
up as Bob hits the pub's plate glass window. (Oh, wait, I don't got you...)
Inside the bar, the patrons look over in surprise as Bob smacks into the window,
causing a huge crack. Bob slowly slides down the cracked window, hits the sill,
and falls backward into the street. The bar patrons look at each other in
disbelief for a moment before most of them resume their tasks.

Iiwi: Bob! Are you okay? Do you want some aspirin?
Bob: [still lying on back] Oooooh.....dead.

[Group starts getting out of car. Ferdie pries the sign holder off his neck.]
Ivan: [to Squeaks] Well, thanks ever so much for that hair-raising experience.
Next time I think I'll just strap myself to a cruise missile.
Ferdie: [staggering around a bit] Now I know what a ball bearing feels like!
Sign Holder: [swaying] Mommy, I don't wanna ride the roller coaster any
more...
Ferdia: From now on, I drive.
Ferdie: Oh, GREAT. That IS being strapped to a cruise missile. [Ferdia gives
him a LOOK. He flashes a cheesy smile] er.....

[Having recovered, the Sign Holder is trying to open the trunk. But, because of
the new dent from their collision, he finds it jammed shut.]

Sign Holder: Hey, the trunk won't open! Sir?
Ivan: [waves wing dismissivly] Great, kid, great. Look, go *home* and keep your
eyes and ears open.
Sign Holder: Am I fired, Sir?
Ivan: Don't be ridiculous. See if any of the guys have heard anything about
Butler. Just don't let them know what I'm doing.
Sign Holder: [saluting] Yes, Sir! [runs off]
Ivan: [bowing towards group, motioning towards door] After you, detectives.

Chapter Three

The pub is silent, its patrons, having glanced out the cracked window, now
curious of the new arrivals. Iiwi and Ferdia enter first, followed by Ferdie
and a still-dazed Bob. Unable to convince all of his sincerity, Ivan enters
next, followed by Squeaks. Iiwi and Ferdia get a few whistles and cat-calls
until Ferdia rests her hand on her holster & flashes her badge. Again the pub
falls silent. Squeaks gets a few stares. Bob staggers around as if he's
already drunk. Joe Kiwi is working the bar, pauses to check out the newcomers.

Ivan: Okay, just go mingle. Shoo! I'll call you if I find out anything.
[Group begins to disperse. Ivan makes his way to the bar.]

Ferdie: [to Squeaks] Shouldn't one of us watch the car?
Squeaks: Hmph. As if anyone here is desperate enough to steal it.
Ferdie: Hey, we're not exactly in a *nice* part of town...
Squeaks: I wouldn't worry about it. The insurance is probably worth more than
the scrap metal.
Ferdie: grrrr......

Ferdia: [to Bob] Bob, how many fingers am I holding up?
Bob: I'm only three and a half years old...
Ferdia: Here, Bob, take some Advil.
Bob: Whazzat?
Ferdia: Advil, Bob. Take some.
Joe: Ivan? That you?
Ivan: Yeah, it's me.
Joe: Almost didn't recognize you there for a minute. You know, without the
sign & all....
Ivan: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Listen, Joe, I know it's been awhile, but -
Joe: Hey, yeah, it has been, hasn't it? What's with the badges?
Ivan: Somebody took out Rhett Butler last night. Sloppy job with a fancy knife.
You hear anything?
Joe: Rhett Butler, huh? Isn't he Madame Bobetta's butler?
Ivan: He was.
Joe: He one of yours?
Ivan: He was.
Joe: I'm beginning to see why the badges. Well, lemme think here....hmm...
Ivan: Happened sometime between 10pm & 6am. Nothing taken from the scene.
Figure it was probably a kid.
Joe: Kid, huh? Well, there was this one guy, came in late last night, braggin'
bout 'is first hit....Not exactly a kid, but not really old...early twenties, I
guess...
Ivan: Do tell...
Joe: ....Not much to tell, actually. Broke in, got the target alone from
behind, left.
Ivan: That's it?
Joe: Sorry. Danny got 'im all riled up --- seems he didn't take anything to
fake a botched robbery. Said the hit's instructions were not to touch anything,
not even the body. I gathered he even left the weapon there! Dumb
cluck....

Bar Patron: [to buddy] Hey, ain't that the cop that strapped a jet engine to her
squad car?
Ferdie: [to Ferdia] WHAT?!
Ferdia: Hey, we were doing just fine until the spoiler came off & we went
airborne.
Ferdie: AIRBORNE?!
Ferdia: You wouldn't believe how much my paycheck got docked for that one....
Ferdie: Was this that time your old partner had a heart attack during the car
chase?
Ferdia: Uh, yeah...I think he started having trouble when we reached a couple
hundred feet & the engine fell off....
Ferdie: [to himself] And she wonders why no one in the force wants to be her
partner....

Ivan: You get a name?
Joe: Naw. Sorry. Didn't think much of 'im at the time. Figured he was new
blood, you know? The type bosses send out on the bad jobs, so they don't lose
more experienced guys to the law? That way, as first-time offenders, the kids
get less-severe sentences, so they're not watched as closely in the can. Makes
'em easier to break out, and all...
Ivan: What'd he look like?
Joe: Nothin' special about him, really. Just your average, gray-brown bird.
Dressed like all the other young punks....oh, except that he wore a little
silver cross. A young Family member, maybe...
Iiwi: ...But you can't say for sure, eh, Joe?
Joe: Iiwi! Long time no see!
Iiwi: Yeah, well, I've been busy...
Joe: Hey, yeah, so I've heard. How'd that thing in London go? What was that,
seven, eight months ago?...
Ivan: London? You were in London?

Iiwi: [ignoring Ivan] Which way'd this kid go, Joe?
Joe: Hailed a taxi going west.
Ivan: West? That doesn't make any sense....nobody operates west of here...
Iiwi: Yeah, it's all hotels and highway...
Ferdia: [from behind group] ...and the airport...
Iiwi & Ivan: [look at each other] the airport....
Ferdie: [Joining in] Think he skipped town?
Squeaks: Sounds like he tried to.
Ferdie: What do you mean?
Squeaks: I was listening to the scanner. A body -- or at least what's left of
one -- was just found on a runway.

Bob: Oooh...I feeling better now. What's new?
Iiwi: We're going to the airport.
Bob: I'm NOT riding on the outside ANY MORE! There's no seatbelts, I's getting
windburned, and I _HATE_ swallowing bugs!
Ferdie: Don't worry about that, Bob. Ferdia's driving this time. You wouldn't
last ten seconds on the roof.
Ferdia: Would you rather WALK, brother dearest?
Ferdie: [under breath] Not with drivers like YOU on the road...
Joe: I'll let you know if I hear anything. [to Iiwi and Ivan] Hey you two!
Don't be strangers!

Group begins to leave pub. On the way out, Ivan walks next to Iiwi.
Ivan: Say, Iiwi, didn't a lot of the crown jewels disappear a couple of months
ago?
Iiwi: I...seem to remember hearing about that....The Tower reported some
missing, several museums came up short on their inventories...
Ivan: What exactly were you doing in London eight months ago?
Iiwi: Seeing the sights
Ivan: Uh-huh...

Chapter Four

Old beat-up car screams down crowded city streets, its hazard lights flashing.
Iiwi again follows just above and behind the car. Car runs a red light.

Ferdie: I thought unmarked cars couldn't run lights.
Ferdia: I don't care. I remember hearing something about the airport this
morning, and I haven't heard any planes overhead all day. So I kinda want to
get there now, and find out what's going on. Any problems with that?
Ivan: No problems with that whatsoever. THAT, on the other hand... [points ahead of car]
Ferdie: Yaaaaaa! DUCK!
Bob: A duck? Where? What's so bad about a ----AAAAAA!

Ahead of the car, blocking the road, sits an 18-wheeler truck, its driver trying
to figure out how to maneuver it into the docking bay of the warehouse behind
it. Ferdia slams on the brakes, but - "Your brakes are out!" -the car doesn't
slow and continues to barrel straight toward the truck.

Ferdia: Little bro, you're about to get a convertible!
Ferdie: [praying] Yea though I walk down the valley of death...
Ivan: [diving under seat] If anyone needs me, I'll be on the floor...
Bob: [pressed on belly over seat, wings over head] AAAAAAAAA!!

Car streaks beneath belly of truck. The roof is peeled back and flops down over
the trunk, hanging on by what is left of the back supports. The truck driver
leans out his passenger window, yelling and shaking his fist. Iiwi (who has
flown over the truck) glides down and lands on the dangling roof. Roof supports
her for a minute, then completely disconnects from car and clatters to the
ground, forcing her back into the air.

Iiwi: Are you guys okay?
Ferdie: [clutching at heart]
Bob: Weep weep weep weep....
Ivan: [emerges triumphantly] Hey, I found a quarter down here!
Squeaks: [looking back towards truck] What does that gesture mean?
Ivan: [follows his gaze] Let's just say it's not an expression of good will.
Bob: [leaning out back of car, shouting to truck driver] Oh, YEAH? Well, you
can just skitch my bootie!
Ferdia: [muttering] Was that an insult or a threat?
Squeaks: Dunno. Maybe we should take the highway.
Ferdia: Good idea. That'll be faster, anyway.
Ferdie: Faster? You mean we're not already at terminal velocity?

Ferdia ignores him, enters the highway, and swings into the left lane, weaving
into the breakdown lane to pass cars that fail to yield the lane to her. Iiwi
flies high, to scout for traffic and keep from falling behind. Car roars past
highway sign that says: "Split Bridge: 2 miles."

Bob: Did that say BRIDGE?!?
Ivan: [opening one eye to look at Bob] Huh?
Ferdie: How can you SLEEP at this SPEED?!
Ivan: Don't travel by jet much, do you?
Bob: [looking at another sign] It DID! It DID say BRIDGE!
Squeaks: You okay back there?
Bob: I no like a bridge! No bridge! No Bridge!
Ivan: Oh, be quiet. You and your phobias....[muttering] afraid of a bridge...
Squeaks: He's afraid of bridges? Of all the...
Ferdie: [interrupting] Bob, I'm sure the sign didn't really say bridge. These
high speeds must be making you delirious.
Ferdia: I heard that!
Bob: Look! Another sign!....Wait, that sign says "BR." Does that stand for
Bridge?!?
Ferdia: No, it stands for "Bunny Rabbit."
Bob: Oh, okay. I like bunny rabbits. No bridge. Good.

Bridge comes into view.

Bob: ....That looks like a bridge...
Ferdie: But the sign said it was a bunny rabbit, not a bridge.
Bob: I dunno....it sure _looks_ like a bridge...
All: IT'S A BUNNY RABBIT!!!
Bob: Are you sure?
All: YES!
Ferdia: Oh, shoot, they're raising the bridge.
Bob: Bridge?
Ferdie: No big deal. We just stop and wait for the ship to go under.

Ferdia floors the gas, shifts gears.
Bob: Why are we speeding up?
[No answer]
Ferdie: Uh, sis? We ARE gonna stop, right?
Car crashes through lowering barrier.

Bob: AAAAA! BRIDGE!!!! AAAAAAAAAA!!!!!....
Ferdie: ARE YOU INSANE?! This isn't "Speed!"
Squeaks: [calmly] Ain't a bus, either.
Ivan: I should've just stayed in bed. Stayed at home, read the paper, polished
instruments of torture...
Ferdia: Fasten your seatbelts and prepare for takeoff!
Ferdie: Oh, I hope all my earthly affairs are in order...
Squeaks: Aw, c'mon. We simulate this all the time!
Ivan: Does it work?
Squeaks: [shrugs] Sometimes...
Ferdie and Bob: [look at each other] AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!...

Car roars over gap (well, perhaps "screams" would be a better word, considering
how many are coming from the car...), lands straddling the opposite half.
Ferdia guns the engine, car pulls itself back onto the bridge, continues down
slope.

Bob: You should get a speeding ticket!
Ferdia: Quiet, Kiwi, or I'll do it again!
Bob: Well-behaved kiwi. I am always in a state of quietness. No hurt the
kiwi.
Ivan: ...remind me to ask you later if you'd be interested in a position as one
of my pilots...
Ferdia: Hmm?
Ivan: ...I'd feel much safer if I knew you weren't driving on the same roads I
use.
Ferdia: [angrily] Excuse me?
Ivan: Never mind. I'll just mail you a helicopter. Although, come to think of
it, you'd probably be more suited to a supersonic jet...
Ferdie: Oh, yeah, there's a GREAT idea. Then we wouldn't even _know_ we were in
danger until AFTER she flew by and we were safe again.
Iiwi: [over radio] Nice stunt. Airport's next right, okay? Meet you there.

CHAPTER FIVE

Car speeds to airport, screeches to a halt in front of the main terminal, near
several squad cars. Nearby officers take cover, then relax as they recognize
the driver. The group approaches a group of officers containing Casey, Trevor,
and a rookie.

Rookie: Hey, Squeaks, Ferdia! Is that the "squad car of the future" we've heard
so much about?
Casey: Great for plainclothes work, I guess. No one'd ever expect a cop in
THAT.
Ferdia: Hey, can it, guys. Our car blew up.
Trevor: Wow, totaled after half a day of work with you two, eh?
Ferdia: [icily] Shut up.
Squeaks: Car bomb.
Casey: Whoa. Man, you two sure do have a lot of loyal admiring fans.
Iiwi: [landing] Hey, you guys know you've a flock of squad cars coming in behind
you?
Ferdie: [rolling eyes] Figures...

Squeaks: [to officers] What are you doing out here, if the body was found on the
runway?
Rookie: It was found between some luggage carts, actually. And we just finished
evacuating the airport.
Casey: That what you're here for? We thought you'd already been assigned a
case today.
Ferdia: We think your stiff may have been responsible for an uptown murder
sometime after ten last night.
Trevor: If he was, he didn't have much time to do it. Coroner here thinks he
died around two, maybe three. And it takes a good hour and a half to get from
uptown to here.
Ferdie: [under breath, indicating Ferdia and Squeaks] Yeah, unless one of those
two are driving...
Casey: Anyway, come with me if you want to take a look. Won't get much in the
way of physical description, though...
[Casey takes group in direction of runways.]

Rookie: [to Trevor] Say, isn't that the Evil Sir Ivan Kiwi?
Trevor: Naw, couldn't be. He doesn't have a sign holder. Besides, what would
he be doing with a bunch of detectives?
Rookie: I guess you're right...
Trevor: ...Remarkable resemblance, though....

Cop: [standing next to Casey] Our preliminary inspection leads us to believe
that the victim was stuffed into a suitcase and thrown into a bonfire...
Ivan: Looks more like he was hiding with the luggage when the cart blew.
Iiwi: Yes, there's definitely evidence of an explosion...
Ferdie: What, you mean the burned suitcases strewn around about 50 ft from the
cart?
Bob: No, I think she means all this black ash radiating out from right
about....[walks a few paces away from cart, stands in an area with less ash and
a small circular spot]....here.
Ferdia: Hey, wait, that would mean the explosion originated there, not in the
cart...
Iiwi: Lemme get a better view of this. [takes flight, circles the scene]
...Much better. Yeah, from up here it looks like it went off where Bob is
standing. Must've been pretty powerful to still knock over and scorch that
cart, though...
Squeaks: It's a wonder no one saw the light flash from the explosion, though...
Ivan: Not really. Only thing out here is the airport, and there aren't many
flights that late. Nothing else around for miles. So maybe someone saw it,
but figured it was just some kids with fireworks or something...
Ferdie: So, if the explosion was that powerful, where'd you find the body?
Casey: All over the place.
Ferdie: [turning green] Oh.

Flying above, Iiwi notices something shiny on the runway.
Iiwi: Hey, guys! Look at this! [dives toward spot where shiny thing is]
Ferdia: [putting on a pair of sterile gloves] Let me see...

She holds the object in the sunlight. Blacked by smoke and melted by the
extreme heat of the explosion, it is the remains of a silver chain.

Ivan: A silver cross on a chain. Guess this was our guy, then.
Iiwi: Wonder who blew him up?
Ferdie: [looking around himself, _very_ careful of where he steps] I wonder
where the _rest_ of him landed...
Casey: Mostly all around here. Looks like the guys have already cleaned
him up, though. [Accepts silver from Ferdia] Only large piece we found was
part of the lower torso.
Iiwi: Must've had a bomb in his pocket....
Ivan: Either disguised as payment or to be traded to payment....
Squeaks: Exactly HOW did you guys come to the initial conclusion that he'd been
burned?
Cop: Well, he'd have to be in pieces to fit in a suitcase, right?....Besides,
we were entertaining the idea that someone had set off a bomb afterwards....
Squeaks: SURE you were....

Bob: [from the other side of the runway, where everyone left him] Hey, guys!
Lookit! [runs toward them, waving something] I found a CLUE!
Ferdia: [to Ferdie] If he's talking about the game, I swear, I'll...
Ferdie: Hey, Bob's not THAT dense....er...[fumbles, as Bob hands him a
candlestick]
Squeaks: Um, yeah....And why is this a clue?
Bob: Because, it came with matches! [collective groan] And the matches came
from a club! [a few looks of interest] And the club's name is still readable
on the matches! [suddenly, all are interested. Some look on in amazement] AND
the name of the club is....the Marlin!

Ivan: The Marlin? Bob, the Marlin isn't a club! The Marlin is -
Iiwi: - a hotel on the Hawaiian coast!
Ivan: [to Iiwi] Now how did you know that?
Iiwi: I've flown past it once or twice....iiwi birds are Hawaiian birds,
remember?...
Ferdia: But did he get the matches there?
Ivan: From his description before and the sloppy way the job was done, I'd say,
no.
Iiwi: Bob, where'd you find the matches?
Bob: [proudly] Over by Hangar 14. Somebody was a smokin' stinky cigars...
Ivan: [a little worriedly] Hangar 14? You sure?
Ferdia: Why, what's so special about Hangar 14?
Ivan: Nothing. It's just that I keep my private planes in Hangar 13...
Ferdia: Figures
Squeaks: Any idea who rents Hangar 14?
Ivan: [eyes narrowing] Not a clue. But smoking isn't allowed anywhere near the
planes.

Group crosses runway to the hangars. Casey examines the remains of the cigar.

Casey: Looks Cuban.
Ivan: [appreciatively] Smells Cuban.
Squeaks: And how would you know?
Ivan: Hey, just because I don't smoke doesn't mean I've never been to a place
with Cuban cigars!
Iiwi: Aren't they given to guests of merit at the Marlin?
Ivan: Dunno...I never got any...
Squeaks: I think the key words in that question were "guests of merit"...
Iiwi: Ivan would be considered a guest of merit at the Marlin.
Squeaks: That kind of place, huh?
Ferdia: Think our bomber came from there?
Squeaks: We'd have to check the flight logs for the last couple weeks...
Ferdia: Ugh, paperwork....

Iiwi: Wait, what if our guy came here for payment or a flight to his payment?
Ivan: Hey, yeah, he'd have had something that identified him as the hit...or as
the employee, as he thought...
Iiwi: So he offered the matches to his contact as identification....
Ivan: And his contact "paid" him, then sent him packing and sat back and watched
the show. Yeah, that makes sense...

Ferdia: If the experts on the criminal mind are done speaking amongst
themselves, would they mind letting us in on their conversation?
Ivan: We think the victim came here, identified himself to his contact by
showing the matches, and was given a "letter bomb" of sorts, judging from
the size of the explosion.
Iiwi: What we don't know is whether he was given payment, or an airline
ticket....
Ferdie: Not that it really matters now...
Bob: So where did the other killer go?
Squeaks: There's some tracks leading into the hangar...
Ferdia: [joining Squeaks in front of Hangar 14] So let's open it up and see
where they go from there...

Casey: [to Ferdie and Bob as Ferdia and Squeaks open the hangar's doors]
You know, we did get a call last night about an explosion near the airport....a
passing motorist reported seeing a bright flash of light, as a plane took
off...
Ferdie: A plane took off? But I thought there were no late night flights?
Bob: Hmm...the plot thickens....Maybe we _should_ look at some of those flight
logs Ferdia was talking about....

The hangar door opens, revealing -- nothing. Hangar 14 is empty; the tracks
lead to the middle of the hangar and then stop.

Bob: Ah! He disappeared! He's a ghost!
Iiwi: Bob, don't be silly! He got into a plane!
Bob: A plane? But there's no plane here! And no plane tracks!
Ivan: Why should there be? The plane obviously left, and its wheels wouldn't
have ash on them until it left the hangar, so it would've left tracks...
Bob: On the runway! Of course! Silly kiwi!

The three rush back out onto the runway. Iiwi again flies up a couple dozen
feet, reporting her "bird's eye" view of the scene to the others.

Ivan: How about this right here, Iiwi? The streaks in the ash?
Iiwi: Looks like they head out a couple hundred feet, pretty straight, then one
set disappears, then the other two go.
Bob: Aha! Plane tracks!
Ferdia: Looks like we have one late-night takeoff, direct from Hangar 14.
Ferdie: Sis, your badged buddy over there [indicates Casey] said a motorist
reported seeing a plane taking off after a bright flash of light...
Squeaks: Not very smart of them.
Iiwi: Not necessarily...
Ivan: After midnight around here there are only two or three air traffic
controllers on duty. They might've noticed the takeoff, but didn't report it.
Squeaks: Why wouldn't they report it?
Ferdia: Because, after midnight, our airport doesn't run airline
flights, and the airport becomes "free flight." Meaning that private planes
are allowed to take off and land without tower assistance. It's a stupid
system. I've been telling them that for years, but no one's listened to me...
Iiwi: They'd still be required to file a flight plan, but they could always
change it, announcing a course deviation to a remote field due to "engine
trouble" or something like that. Once they went under the nearest tower's
radar, they could either land and change planes or just not land and fly under
the radar for a while. Easy enough to do, this close to the coast. They could
even fake a crash into the ocean...
Bob: Maybe we should ask the air traffic controllers?
Ferdia: Good idea, Bob.
Trevor: [walking toward hangar] We've already done that. You want a copy of
their statements?
Ferdia: Yeah, but we're in a hurry, so we'll just look at your copy. [takes
statements from Trevor]
Squeaks: [reading over Ferdia's shoulder] Here we are: 1:45 am. Noticed large
explosion coming from runway 5. A few moments later, Maggie saw a twin-engine
jet taking off from the direction of explosion. Engine noise masked by sound
of explosion; could not establish radio contact with plane due to explosion's
shockwave, which took out our antennae...
Ferdia: Crap, that means that...
Squeaks: ...flight plan identified jet as Flight 911 from San Viano to San
Bernadino Bay. Jet appeared to be off-course but could not verify heading.
Phoned nearest towers, none ever registered plane on radar. Suspect jet was
damaged during takeoff and crashed somewhere over ocean, due to compass-
measured takeoff heading.
Iiwi: Told you they'd fake an ocean crash. Without ever registering on radar,
even the navy won't know where to look for that jet...
Ivan: Which means they almost made a perfect getaway.
Ferdie: Almost?
Ivan: [points to Bob] The matches...their heading....
Iiwi: ....if we didn't know where the Marlin was, we'd be at a dead end.
Ferdia: Yeah, this particular killing does have that professional sheen to
it...

Cop: [smugly] Too bad it ain't your case. [snatches statements away]
Ferdia: It is so!
Cop: Your case was to find out who killed Rhett Butler. You may not have a
name yet, but you've got you're suspect...
Rookie: What's left of him, anyway....
Squeaks: [grabbing statements back] We still haven't established a motive.

Therefore, since the cases are interrelated, we can continue our investigation.
Casey: [apologetically] They're right, you know...
Cop: [in a condescending tone] So, what're you planning to do? Fly out to
Hawaii and check into this hotel? Like the Chief is really gonna believe
that's part of your investigation.
Ferdia: [mad] You, you, you......ooooooh!
Trevor: [joining group] Besides, even if you convince Chief it's legit, I'd say
that squad car just about blew your spending on this case...no pun
intended....so you'd have to spring for air fare and the hotel lodgings
yourselves.
Cop: And I'm betting you're still smarting from that museum's repair bill...
Ferdie: Museum? Repair bill?
Ferdia: Hey, they called us in their to catch a group of terrorists, we caught
the group of terrorists.
Casey: You caused over $5 million damage!
Ferdia: They would have blown up the entire city block! How much damage would
THAT have done?!
Ivan: Not to interrupt --
Ferdia: Then DON'T!! [to cops] What are a few hundred smashed fossils really
worth, anyway? Did anyone here actually go to the Crustacean wing of the
building? No? What about the insect collections? Or the--
Ivan: HEY! This is the voice of reason speaking! I can fly us over and I can
pay the lodgings!
Rookie: [to Trevor] Yeah, you were right, that DEFINITELY isn't the Evil Sir
Ivan Kiwi.
Bob: [to Ferdie] I think I'm being delirious again...
Ferdie: [to Bob] No, he really did say what you think he said...

Squeaks: How do you intend to do that, exactly? With the radar out, all
airlines are being re-routed around San Viano...
Ivan: Think, genius. Hangar 13? My plane? It's a private jet. Which means it
can still take off from here if you coppers allow a free-flight takeoff.
Iiwi: And there's about as much air traffic at this airport right now that it
might as well be late at night...
Ferdie: I don't know how much I want to fly in Ivan's "private jet"...
Casey: Well....I suppose, with all this investigative work, that we'd be
too busy to notice a small jet taking off...
Ferdia: Thanks, Case!
Ivan: Great, great. Lemme wake my pilot...

Chapter Six

The hangar doors open slowly, revealing the silhouettes of our heroes. As
their eyes adjust to the light, they are surprised at the sleek, black, bat-
like jet being prepared for take-off.

Ferdie: Wow.
Squeaks: You say that a lot, you know.
Ferdie: So I'm not original. So sue me.
Iiwi: [to Ivan] Nice. I especially like the bat tails. Custom job?
Ivan: Yeah, but not mine. I got her from her first owner as payment.
Ferdia: [from behind them] Payment for what?
Ivan: I don't see how that pertains to your present case.
Squeaks: In other words, he's not going to tell us.

The pilot's voice comes in over Ivan's wrist communicator, informing them that
the pre-flight preparations are complete. The group boards the jet and begins
seating themselves in its plush interior.

Ferdia: [leaning back and lounging on a couch, tilting her head back towards the
ceiling and closing her eyes, hands behind head] Not bad. We should travel
first class more often.
Squeaks: [joining her on the couch] I don't think the Chief is gonna let us
travel much at all after he hears about the prowler.
Ferdia: [opening eyes] Oh, yeah. Shoot. And we'd just about paid off the last
one, too. Maybe we could convince the Chief that when the stolen valuables we
recover are worth a lot more than our squad cars, we don't have to pay for
damages.
Squeaks: Yeah, and maybe he'll give us a raise.
Ferdia: Wishful thinking, huh?
Squeaks: Yep.

Ivan: Ever been on a supersonic jet before, Bob?
Bob: Supersonic? Like the hedgehog?
Ivan: Not exactly...
Ferdie: So, uh, Ivan, just exactly how fast can this plane go?
Ivan: A bit over Mach 2.
Bob: Mach what? What's that mean?
Ferdie: It means this plane flies just a little faster than my sister drives.
Bob: Oooohhhh.....[backing for the door, smiling nervously] I think I'll just
wait for the next flight... [door closes and pressure locks] ...or I could just
stay on the plane like a brave kiwi...

[The plane's engines rev up and it rolls out the hangar taxis down the runway a
bit, then begins to pick up speed as the pilot releases the throttle. It
clears the group of squad cars by the crime scene by little more than 20 feet.]

Casey: [taking into radio] What's that, Chief?....Naw, that wasn't the
sound of an airplane taking off....[looks at Trevor] We closed the airport,
remember? No planes in, no planes out....[smiles bemusedly] Actually, yes we
did see those two, they came by a little while ago....No, they didn't say where
they were going, they never do....Alright, we'll let you know if we hear
anything...
Trevor: They're in deep, huh?
Casey: Haven't heard him that angry since they wiped out town square.
Trevor: Ouch. Hope they solve this case, then.
Rookie: Yeah. Otherwise, they'd be smart to stay over there.
Cop: Five bucks says they wind up meter-maiding for a month for this.
Trevor: Let's up it to $20 and put it in the kitty.
Cop: Heh heh, good idea. What's it up to?
Casey: Probably enough to bail them out of this one. Maybe.
Rookie: When exactly are we gonna give them that money, anyway?
Casey: [laughing] What, no one told you that? They get it when our
original bet is settled, or when they get a case they can't crack.
Cop: Translation: They don't.
Rookie: Ah. So what was the original bet, anyway? That they'd level the city?
Headquarters? Bankrupt the county? Well?
Casey: [pats rookie on back] Not even close, kid. But, hey, you're a
detective, you figure it out.

[back on the plane]

Bob: [in background, to Ferdie] This isn't so fast...
Ferdie: [hyperventilating into a paper bag] Mmm-hmm...
Ivan: [to a nervous-looking Iiwi] Hey, Iiwi, c'mon, relax. Thought you liked
flying.
Iiwi: I do. Just not in planes.
Ivan: [smirking] Didn't know you were claustrophobic.
Iiwi: I'm not claustrophobic. Claustrophobes are afraid of closed spaces. I
just don't like them.
Ivan: Not happy unless you've room to flap your wings, eh? Don't worry. My
pilots are the best money can buy, and so are my mechanics. And they wouldn't
make even half as much working for anyone else. So we're safe.
Iiwi: [changing subject] So, what's with the bat motif?
Ivan: [shrugging] Like I said, the jet's secondhand. Previous owner had this
thing for bats...but he'd built a better bat-shaped one and was looking to get
rid of this one. All I did was soup up the engines and add some defenses.

Ferdia: [looking out window] This is so cool! I've never been in a supersonic
jet before!
Squeaks: [dozing] If you think this is cool, you ought to try warp speeds.

Chapter Seven

[Evening. The sun sets slowly through the palm trees to the west. Ivan's plane
lands on one of the hotel's private landing strips, deploys drag chute. Group
disembarks, heads toward hotel.]

Bob: [looking at drag chute] Hey, why did the plane need a parachute?
Ferdie: Never mind that, Bob. Why does the hotel have a big gaping hole in one
side?
[All look at Ivan....and Iiwi]
Ivan: Hey, don't look at me, it's not part of their regular d�cor!
Iiwi: Looks relatively new.
Ferdia: Any idea what section that was?
Ivan: Um....Looks kinda like it was the presidential suites-- [realizes what
he's saying]
Iiwi: [surveying damage] Whoa. Hope he was out.
Squeaks: Hope who was out?
Iiwi: The Artist. Deals mostly in the sale of art and artifacts on the black
market.
Ivan: Hey, wasn't he supposed to be meeting with Rodney Roader this afternoon?
Iiwi: Yeah...
Bob: Wait a minute! Who's the other guy?
Ferdia: Roader? Local boss-man trying to carve out a section of eastern
downtown for his "organization."
Squeaks: We think he's into everything-gambling, drugs, "protection," etc.
Doesn't mind doing things violently-he's started several gang wars, ordered a
bunch of local hits, including some high-ranking businessmen that turned down
bribes.
Ferdia: Yep, one nasty little piece of scum. Especially because we don't have
enough evidence to arrest him, let alone enough proof to convict him.
Bob: So you think he might have been responsible for one of last night's
murders?
Ferdie: Probably. However, if he was in that room, whether or not he ordered
the hits may be a moot point.

Group enters hotel. Ferdia and Squeaks presence causes most of the lobby
occupants to either scurry away or draw their weapons. The cops do the same,
going back-to-back.

Ivan: [stepping in between some of the lobby occupants and the two cops] Relax,
they're with me. [Some lower their guns slightly. Most narrow their eyes in
suspicion.]
Iiwi: And me. [More lower weapons, mob begins to disperse. Ivan raises an
eyebrow at Iiwi.]
Ivan: Tell me again you don't come here often.
Clerk: Ah! Sir, madam! Nice to see you both! Your usual rooms?
[Iiwi suddenly becomes engrossed in preening her wing]
Ivan: How 'bout four adjoining rooms, instead?
Clerk: [somewhat confused] Okay....[as Ivan takes the keys] What are they
doing here?! [nods at Ferdia and Squeaks]
Ivan: Giving us a hand with something.
Clerk: Since when do you associate with cops?
Ivan: [ignoring comment] When'd the pres. suite get its panoramic view? [hands
clerk a bill]
Clerk: [pocketing bill] About an hour or so ago. [Ivan waves another bill]
During their meeting. [Another bill. Clerk shakes his head sadly] Dunno who.
Ivan: [lays small stack of bills on counter] Keep me posted. [to group] C'mon,
guys.

Ferdie: Anybody interested in getting something to eat? I'm starving.
Bob: Yeah, we haven't eaten all day!
Ferdia: You had a sandwich at Joe's.
Bob: Okay, so we haven't eaten since lunch. I'm still hungry!
Ivan: Eh, why not? Food here's usually decent.
[Group enters adjoining diner, sits at table. A waiter cautiously approaches
them.]

Waiter: Can I get you anything?
Ivan: Yeah, one of everything.
Waiter: Anything to drink with that?
Bob: Coffee!
Waiter: Sorry, we're out. [departs]
Bob: No coffee?! But I need coffee!
Iiwi: [pushes small pitcher towards Bob] How about some de-coffenated coffee,
Bob?
Bob: Okay. [takes pitcher, starts drinking]
Ivan: [to Iiwi] Did you just give him creamer?
Iiwi: Yeah. So?

[The food arrives and the group begins to eat. After dinner, they depart to
their rooms. As they'd brought no bags, they disperse to do some quick
investigating. In the morning they regroup in one of the rooms.]

Ferdia: [frowning] Ceiling's caved in near the suite. We can't get near it.
Squeaks: [also not happy] The rooms beneath it are sealed off, and guarded.
Bob: [smiling] There was a mint on my pillow.
Ferdie: How come we got four rooms if each room has two beds?
[The two get LOOKs from the rest of the group. Then attention turns to Iiwi.]
Iiwi: [shrugs] I took a nap.
[Squeaks mutters something under his breath.]
Iiwi: Well I was tired! Besides, now that you're all here, and the sun's up,
let's go outside. You can be my lookouts while I fly up to the suite.

Group exits hotel, once again getting vicious looks from other occupants.

Ivan: [to Ferdia and Squeaks] You know, we're gonna need to get you two some
plainclothes before you get shot.
Squeaks: Whatever. [sweeps area with infrared binoculars] All clear.
[Iiwi flies up to the suite, perches on edge of floor, looks around, goes
inside.]
Ferdie: Hey, Squeaks, don't those things only work at night?
Squeaks: Not these. They measure the strength of sunlight in the area, then
automatically subtract it from their readings and filter it out.
Ivan: Pretty neat toy.
Ferdia: [smiling sardonically] We haven't broken them yet.
Iiwi: [over radio] Well, I think I've found the Artist and Roader. And somebody
else. I think. But I'm just counting arms here...
Ferdie: Thank you so much for that pleasant mental picture.
Iiwi: I don't want to alarm anyone here, but it doesn't look like this explosion
came from inside the suite...
Ferdia: Agreed. There's very little debris down here, and most of it's directly
below the suite.
Ferdie: So, you're saying something hit it? Like what?
Bob: A missile!
Squeaks: Exactly. Glad you picked up on that, Bob.
Bob: No, that's not what I meant! [pointing] It's a MISSILE!!!

Group turns to see a missile streaking towards the hotel. Screeching, Iiwi
dives out of the suite. The hotel is hit two floors below and off to the left
of the first hole and starts a structural collapse of the top four floors. It
loses the rest of its floors to the fireball and shockwave following the
missile's detonation. The group is thrown to the ground by the shockwave;
Iiwi, still in the air, is tossed head-over-heels and knocked to the ground.

Ferdie: Yeah, THIS was a great idea! I've always wanted to get blown away by a
cruise missile!
Bob: Weep! They're trying to kill us!
Ivan: Oh shut up. It didn't hit anywhere near where our rooms were. You okay,
Iiwi?
Iiwi: [lying face-up in the field near the runway] Sure, just gimme a minute for
my bones to knit...
Ferdia: I'm getting this sinking feeling that this wasn't just your typical hit.
Squeaks: So am I. That was definitely NOT the type of hardware crime bosses
usually have access to. THAT was a military missile.
Ivan: How do you know?
Squeaks: I know military when I see it. These binoculars are also a camera, so
we can trace its serial number.
Bob: So why is the military shooting at a civilian hotel?
Iiwi: [landing limply near the group] They're not. It looked like an old
missile someone bought off the international market.
Ferdia: Okay, so who else was at the hotel?
Iiwi: We'd have to check the registry.
Ferdie: Yeah, well, not to rain on the parade, but wouldn't the registry be
inside that burning pile of rubble up there?
Bob: [looking at burning building] I am NOT going in there.
Ivan: You might not have to. [tackles staggering clerk] Hello again. Mind
telling me who else was staying here?
Clerk: Nobody! At least, nobody that stayed after the first explosion and
the arrival of your two badges!
Iiwi: This one hit three floors down and on the left. Who was staying there?
Clerk: Some guy named Pyro...I think. [Ivan lets him up; clerk runs away]

Squeaks: And just who is Pyro?
Ivan: Works for Ozzie Osprey.
Iiwi: Ozzie's a pirate of sorts.
Ferdia: A pirate of what?
Ivan: Anything traveling on or over water.
Ferdie: THIS HOTEL IS FIVE MILES INLAND!! IT'S NOT OVER WATER!!!
Bob: Isn't there a pirate code saying pirates can't steal from each other?
Iiwi: Yeah, used to be.
Ferdia: What are you getting at?
Bob: If he worked for a pirate, he was also a pirate. Maybe he stole something
from his boss.
Ferdie: Yeah! Like that first missile! And maybe it took this Oz guy a couple
of hours to realize it and launch the second one at this Pyro guy!
Squeaks: That's the best bit of detective work you two have ever done. But can
you prove it?
Iiwi: We could go talk to Ozzie.
Ivan: Hmmm...he does live on one of the islands around here...
Iiwi: In the direction the missile came from, to be exact.

Squeaks: Oh, no. We're not going anywhere else without more evidence than that
to go on.
Bob: I'll ask my friend if he can track where they came from. [into wrist
communicator] XYZPDQ, this is Danger Kiwi. Do you copy?
Ferdia: [to Ferdie, who shrugs] I'm not even going to ASK...

Newt appears on the screen of the communicator, seated in front of a computer
screen. "as you can see, the trajectory of the missile, as observed by you,
coupled with its operating range, indicate that it originated at approximately
here [points to a small island], Pika Pika island. Given its optimal cruising
speed, the missile was probably launched approximately fifteen minutes ago.
This type of missile, while old and outdated, is fairly accurate, with a
margin of error of approximately 15 square feet. Its usual payload is..."

Bob: [interrupting Newt] Okay, copy. Danger Kiwi out.
Ferdie: I am NOT flying to an island with a missile-packin', trigger-happy
pirate on it!
Ivan: Neither am I. Ozzie and I aren't exactly on friendly terms.
Bob: We can take the Danger Boat! I just so happen to have lent it to someone
here!

Group walks along pier in a run-down part of the town. They approach a leaky,
battered rowboat.

Bob: Behold, the mighty Danger Boat!
Ivan: That?! That's a dingy!
Bob: Ooooooooooh! You are gonna get yours!
Ferdie: Give it up, Bob, we all know Bobetta sank her yacht last month.
Bob: The Danger Boat is NOT a yacht! It is a speedboat!....It's just not here,
that's all.
Ivan: Uh-huh.
Squeaks: We could always rent a boat...
Iiwi: [sighing] Yeah, but Ozzie'd probably blow us out of the water just for
fun...
Ivan: [coughs] Ahem! [All turn to him] I, uh, happen to have a, uh...ship...we
could use...
Ferdia: Yeah? And what's to stop this pirate form blowing it up?
Ivan: It's not a, er, surface ship...

Chapter Eight

A giant great white shark darts though the ocean, 2000 feet below the surface,
zipping past naval submarine and fish school alike. Upon closer inspection,
the shark is really not a shark; it is a submarine in the shape of a shark.

Ferdia: Ivan, where did you get ahold of a submarine?!
Ivan: ...I picked it up at an auction. [cut to picture of Ivan holding a sled
marked "Rosebud"] I also got this sled, but I don't really know why...
Ferdie: Yeah, You never know when you'll need to pillage a sunken city...
Bob: Or happen upon a really great sledding slope...

Squeaks: Okay, let's just make sure this case still sounds coherent, okay?
Iiwi: Okay. First, the kid with the silver cross kills Rhett.
Bob: Then he goes to a bar, gets matches with the payment drop from somebody
there, goes to the airport, and gets blown up by a letter bomb.
Ferdie: After which the guy that gave him the bomb hops a flight we THINK came
to this hotel-
Ivan: -it DID come here. I had my pilots check the hangars and do a background
search on any planes there. There's an aircraft strongly resembling the one in
Hangar 14 in one of the hangars here.
Ferdie: Okay, so the killer of the killer comes here, and is maybe blown up with
the Artist and Roader when the first missile hits.
Ferdia: That's a weak spot. We don't really know what our killer looked like-
Iiwi: -not that that'd help identify anything up there...even if it wasn't just
incinerated...
Ferdia: ...So we can't be sure our killer was hit by - or was even the target of
- the first missile.
Iiwi: Although I DID ask around before, and a lot of people agreed that he'd
gone to sleep shortly after arriving, and nobody saw him leave after the first
explosion.
Squeaks: Thought you took a nap.
Iiwi: I did. I just talked to some people first. Anyway, if he was still in
the hotel, it's not gonna matter much now....We need to figure out why Roader
was killed.
Ivan: I think Roader was one of the guys Rhett was talking to.
Squeaks: But since we don't know who the killer's killer was, it's gonna be
difficult to determine whether Roader hired him. We're just assuming Roader
was killed for the same reason Rhett was.
Bob: We're also assuming the Artist guy wasn't the target.
Iiwi: [shrugging] All the Artist dealt in was art. Stolen, copied, old, new,
good, bad, whatever. But that was it. He didn't deal with anything violent.
The guy'd get mugged in his own neighborhood!
Ferdia: So we're assuming Roader was the target and that Pyro launched the
first missile. We're assuming this because Pyro's employer collects missiles.
And we're assuming this employer fired the second missile.
Squeaks: That's an awful lot of assumptions.
Bob: XYZPDQ traced the flight path! It came from Ozzie's island!
Ferdia: I'm not arguing that, I'm just saying anyone on that island could
have fired the missile.
Ivan: Well, we can figure out who fired it later. First we ask Ozzie if he has
any idea what's going on.
Ferdie: Yeah, that's right, we don't really have a motive for any of these
murders that we can prove.
Iiwi: We also don't have a live suspect that we need to worry about finding
enough evidence on to convict!
Bob: You have a point.
Ivan: Coming up on the island! Anyone here mind if I dock in that cove over
there? It's hard to hit with a missile from this island, and it's only about a
mile or two away from Ozzie's bungalow.

Chapter Nine

The group hikes through the tropical undergrowth toward Ozzie's large white
bungalow. Iiwi flies ahead looking for the clearest route to take. Squeaks
vaporizes bits of brush that get in the way.

Ivan: [to Squeaks, indicating laser-gun] That standard issue?
Squeaks: Not exactly, but since you surprised us all by not having a knife,
sword, or other sharp object hardy, we have to improvise.
Ivan: Again with the sarcasm.
Iiwi: Hey, guys, go right for about twenty paces, then it'll clear up!
Ferdie: How is it going to clear up? This is a jungle!
Iiwi: There's a S.A.M. missile launcher over there. Must be new, as the
undergrowth around it is still crushed.

Group hikes the rest of the way on the trail of crushed undergrowth. They reach
the bungalow, which makes Bobetta's summer home look like a shack. The
bungalow is silent. Nothing around it moves, except for the swimming pool's
water in a slight breeze.

Ferdia: Creepy. This place looks dead. Even the security cameras aren't
moving.
Ivan: Unless he's cut back on his staff, this place should be crawling with
guards. But I don't see anybody.
Iiwi: [landing] I circled the grounds. I didn't see anybody, or even evidence
of anybody ever being here!
Ferdie: Um...okay, so they're all inside.
Bob: I'm not gonna be the one knocking this time.
Squeaks: I'll do it.

Squeaks knocks on the door, which turns out not only not to be locked, but not
to be truly shut, either. It slowly creaks open...

Bob: AAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!
[Ferdia and Squeaks pull their pieces, sweeping the large entryway for movement.
None is visible.]
Iiwi: Yikes.
Ferdie: Eep. I am gonna have recurring nightmares about this for months!
Ivan: I guess we won't be asking Ozzie much of anything...

The walls, floor, ceiling, and furniture as far as the eye can see are
splattered with blood and entrails. Several bodies are whole enough to be
identifiable as such; one of them appears to be an osprey. A note is taped to
the end of the bayonet skewering him.

Ferdia: I hate Mondays. I really do. Nothing like this ever happens on
Tuesdays, or Thursdays, or...
Squeaks: [to Ferdia] You okay?
Ferdia: I'm fine. Just venting....
Ivan: I haven't seen this much carnage since...since....[scratches head] well,
actually I haven't ever seen this much carnage...
Iiwi: ...I think the cartel takeover two years ago comes close....but it was
still a lot cleaner...
Bob: Is this what people mean when they refer to bloodbaths?
Ferdie: [turning green] Urk!
Iiwi: Umm....anybody want to read that note? [indicates note on bayonet]

Ferdia: [walks over to bayonet, peers at note] "Dear Detectives:
Congratulations on making it this far! I sincerely hope it hasn't taken you
long, but, if it has, sorry about the smell. Isn't this a marvelous
accomplishment here? I'll bet you're trying to figure out how it was done -
knives, automatic weapons, chemical gas....Let me save you some time there: I
used a bit of everything, just to keep the coroner from getting bored. I do
believe I have outdone myself. But, I digress. You no doubt came here to see
Ozzie. I have therefore made him easily-recognizable. Now then, who fired the
missiles, you ask? Ah, that is the fun part. As you know, Ozzie was quite
fond of both weapons and automatic systems. You may not know that automatic
systems can easily be reprogrammed from remote sites if one has the correct
access codes. How remote is remote? Well, now, you're the detectives, you
figure it out! This note is my only clue to you! And I won't even sign my
name! Ha!"

Ferdia looks at Squeaks, then at the rest of the group. Silence reigns. Each
looks around nervously. Suddenly, a loud beeping noise shatters the silence.
Bob jumps at the sound, Iiwi leaps into the air, Ivan starts. Ferdia and
Squeaks whip around, targeting the sound. It is coming from Ferdie, who,
startled enough at the sudden beeping, is thoroughly freaked out when his sister
and Squeaks train their guns on him. The small device he had been fumbling out
of his pocket goes airborne as Ferdie throws his hands up with a scream. Ivan
catches it.

Ivan: [opening cell phone] Hello?...Hold on. [holds phone out to Ferdie] It's
for you.
Ferdie: [takes phone sheepishly] Hello?...Hi, Ma... Huh?....Ma, calm down,
she's fine....Really. She's right here. Hang on. [hands phone to Ferdia]
Ferdia: Ma?
[from phone] Thank God, you're all right! I've been worried sick! The TV
was talking about Bobetta's butler and they said you and that mouse were
working on it, but then they said your car was bombed! And then the radio said
you were down in Hawaii at a hotel that exploded, and I called the station but
they didn't know where you were and...
Ferdia: [over Ma] It didn't explode, Ma, it got hit by a missile [loud screaming
noise from phone]....I'm fine, Ma. Really.
[A red light illuminates on a security camera in the corner. The group looks at
it.]
[camera]: One more thing, detectives. I set Ozzie's remaining missiles and
whatnot to begin their self-destruct sequences fifteen minutes after heat
sensors registered your presence. You have now have five minutes before
detonation.
Bob & Ferdie: WHAT?!?
Ivan: Man, that is one sick, demented weirdo...[Squeaks looks over in his
direction. Ivan narrows his eyes, puts wings on hips] Don't even say it.
Ferdia: Uh, look, Ma, I gotta go.
Iiwi: [backpedaling towards door as group begins to run out] Yes, c'mon, c'mon,
c'mon!

Halfway to the door, Ferdia stops, runs back, & grabs the note on Ozzie, then
catches up to retreating group.
Ferdia: [to Squeaks] Evidence...
Ferdie: We're never gonna make it outta here in five minutes!
Iiwi: Guys! I found a jeep! Off to your left!
Squeaks: Great! Everybody in!

Squeaks takes the wheel and guns the engine as the others pile in. The jeep
tears through the underbrush, bouncing and tipping dangerously, as Iiwi calls
directions down from above. She fails to mention when they draw near the cove,
however, and the jeep roars over hill only to become airborne for the few
seconds before landing in the cove. The group scrambles out of the jeep and
into the sub.

Ivan: Secure the hatch! We're going down!

Ivan begins submerging sub and powering the engines. The sub sinks and picks up
speed, and is a few feet beneath the surface when the first explosion rocks the
sub. More follow, including some that go off in the water.

Iiwi: He's got mines out here!
Ferdie: Hurry up!
Ivan: I'm going as fast as I can, alright?! I have to avoid the mines!
Bob: [pointing] AAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!
Ivan: [swerving sub to the right] ....and the underwater mountains...

Chapter Ten

The missiles and other explosives put on a spectacular fireworks display for the
few people on a nearby beach on the mainland. The lifeguard nearly swallows
his whistle, however, when the shark-shaped sub docks at the wharf. The group
emerges from the sub.

Ferdie: [embarrassed and still kind of green] Err...Sorry about that....I'll pay
to have it cleaned...
Ivan: How can you be related to miss evil-knievil speed-racer daredevil who-
needs-gravity over there? [points to Ferdia]
Ferdia: [looking at note] Guess we should go back to the station and have the
handwriting analyzed....
Squeaks: Yeah, the results ought to be ready by the time the Chief stops chewing
us out...
Bob: Hey, yeah! The autopsy results and stuff should be in! Maybe they found
fingerprints on something....
Iiwi: ...Or at least looked up the owner of Hangar 14's jet...
Ferdie: So...we'll meet you two [indicates Ferdia and Squeaks] later?
Ferdia: Sure. We'll call when we get out. [they set off in direction of police
headquarters]
Bob: [calling after them] At Bobetta's house. Maybe we missed a clue or
something....besides, she needs her big, strong, brave kiwi...
Ivan: ...and how very nice of you to offer to take me there!
Bob: grrrr....
Ferdie: I suppose we need to keep you around anyway....
Ivan: Actually, I need to touch base with my Sign Holder to see if he's found
anything. I'll catch up with you.
Ferdie: [looking suspicious] You stay with him, Iiwi.
Iiwi: [shrugs] Whatever.

Ferdie and Bob walk over to hail a cab. In the distance, Ferdia and Squeaks
have commandeered a beach patrol cop's rover. Ivan contacts the Sign Holder on
his wrist communicator.

Sign Holder: Oh, Sir! You're okay! [to partying cronies in background]
Hey, guys, keep it down! He's on the phone! ["He's alive?" a voice asks,
followed by a round of "d'oh!s"]
Ivan: Ha ha ha. Tell Marty back there to shut his beak or I'll have it shut for
him. [background falls silent] That's more like it. Find anything, guys?
Sign Holder: Moles and whistle-blowers all over town are turning up dead,
sir! A lot of the better-known hitmen have been hospitalized, and most of them
are flat-lining. And a goodly amount of the local gang bosses are missing -
most are leaving town.
Ivan: Really?
Sign Holder: You could park an unlocked Porsche on 6th an 8th at midnight
and it'd still be there, unharmed, a week later.
Iiwi: Geez, that many are gone?
Ivan: What do those rats know about this ship that I don't?
Sign Holder: Dunno, sir. We think maybe it's 'cause of all the hits from
yesterday to now. And it's not just us, sir. Top-ranking business execs are
having the same problems, along with a politician or two....And Joe's closed.
Iiwi: Joe's closed?! Joe never closes! Even in a gang war!
Sign Holder: Hey, you're the detective, I'm just a sign holder. I'm just
saying what I've heard.
Ivan: Okay, thanks, kid. Call my pilots at the Marlin's Hangar & tell them to
stick around a bit and keep their ears open. Ivan Out.
Ivan: Okay, now what?
Iiwi: I want to check a contact of mine. He's not as good as Joe, but he's okay
for out-of-town info...
Ivan: Hey, it's your call. Lead on...

Iiwi and Ivan approach an alley lined with motorcycles. Iiwi looks them over,
then flies over to one that is heavily decorated with fire and aerodynamic
fins. She perches on its seat and looks towards the run-down club entrance.
The bouncer looks at her, opens the door a crack and says something into the
club.

Iiwi: We'll just wait for him...
Chuck: [coming out of bar] You're a brazen one, you know that, Iiwi?
Iiwi: Hey, Chuckie.
Chuck: Don't call me that, okay? And get off my bike.
Iiwi: [defiantly] No.
Chuck: [sighing] What'd'ya want, bird?
Iiwi: What've you heard?
Chuck: About what? And who's he?
Ivan: I'm the Evil Sir Ivan Kiwi.
Chuck: Oh, really? [to Ivan] So where's your sign holder? [Ivan smolders for a
while]
Iiwi: C'mon, Chuck. He's cool. What's up?
Chuck: Everybody's leaving. Either on their own, or in a bag, everybody from
the lowest street-bum mugger to the stogie-smokin' officials uptown. Crime's
runnin' so high even the crooks're afraid to go out.
Ivan: Any idea who's doing it?
Chuck: No clue. Everybody's blamin' everybody else, general consensus is that
nobody knows anything. Don't think anybody here's doin' it. It's all the way
up the state, what's I hear. And on the islands.
Iiwi: But nobody knows who?
Chuck: Every time we think we've figured out who's doin' it, that person turns
up dead! Word is the governor's callin' in the National Guard, or somthin'!
Iiwi: Did Joe really close?
Chuck: Bomb was found in his place around noon. Didn't go off, but he closed
shop for a while.
Ivan: Where's Ed?
Chuck: His bouncer? Hidin', probably.
[A biker mouse leans out the door of the rowhouse they're in front of] Hey,
Chuck, hear the latest? Chemical plant down south was robbed blind, then blown
up! And pharmacies all over the place are getting' sacked!....Oh, and the
president of that Rogaine company is missin'.
Chuck: They find that Propecia guy yet?
[mouse] Floatin' in a river somewhere...
Ivan: Who?
Chuck: Just some top brass in the hair-growth industry. Jack was talkin' about
somethin' about them a while ago...but Jack's gone, and I don't remember what
he said.
[a blast goes off further down the block. An entire row of buildings collapses
on the opposite side of the street.]

Iiwi: Err....maybe we should be getting back...
Ivan: Yeah...
Chuck: [waving and heading back to club] Knock 'em dead, Redbird.

Ferdia and Squeaks stand in front of the precinct headquarters, staring
dumbstruck at the building. Still smoldering, the front wall has crumbled,
exposing the offices. A few officers go about their work, but most are on the
streets, trying to get a handle on things.

Ferdia: At least they can't pin this one on us.
Squeaks: Looks like something out of the Apocalypse.
Casey: You said it. This whole thing is getting too weird. Bombs are
going off all over town, the hospitals are full, and everybody we'd normally
suspect is either dead or in the intensive care ward. It's total chaos, but
nobody's looting. They're all either running for the border or scrambling for
a better hiding place. And I don't mean just the crooks.
Casey: Where's the Chief?
Casey: Like I said...
Trevor: Chief went to talk with the governor. National Guard's coming in. So
are the feds.
Casey: You guys wanna clue us in as to what this is all about?
Ferdia: Yeah, as soon as we figure it all out. Are Bobetta's butler's reports
in?
Casey: What, from yesterday? Probably, if you can get to your desk. Why?
Think this is related?
Squeaks: We traced the killing's domino-effect to a small Hawaiian island, then
our trail ran cold.
Ferdia: We need to get a handwriting analysis of this. [hands note to Casey]
Casey: [reads note] Whoa! [looks back at them] Tough break, there. Guess
who else joined the casualty list?
Ferdia: Oh...
Trevor: The problem with a lab in the basement...
Casey: Any other leads?
Ferdia: [looking at second floor] Maybe. Squeaks, give me a hand.

Squeaks boosts her up onto the second floor. She returns with the lab results
from the butler, as well as a copy of the airfield's results. Before she
leaves the floor, however, Bishop hands her a list of all the casualties to
date. She drops these down to Squeaks, then climbs down herself.

Ferdia: Maybe there's a connection between all these people.
Squeaks: And we get to look for it. Joy.
Casey: You could also look into the few robberies that are occurring. Most
are for chemicals or prescription drugs.
Squeaks: Even better.
Bishop: [from 2nd floor] Hey, we got a call here from Beach Patrol saying you
two took one of their rovers...
Ferdia: Tell 'em we'll give it back...
Bishop: I tried. Your reputations precede you. They're faxing us a statement
of the value of the vehicle and the shape it's in.
Ferdia: The city's falling apart, and they worry about their stupid car. Let's
go meet up with the others....

Chapter Ten

The land rover climbs up the hilly driveway to Bobetta's house. The ride is
silent, despite the fact that they've picked up Ivan & Iiwi on the way there.
All eyes are on the flaming landscape before them and the smoldering mansion
at the top of what is left of the hill.

Iiwi: Whoa....hard to believe this is the same place....
Ivan: [pounding fist into palm] Man, whoever did this is gonna have 'ta answer
to me!
Ferdia: Hush. [rolls down window] I think I hear screaming...

Moments later, the four have arrived at what remains of the main hall. The
police lines hang in tatters, and several bandaged officers are trying to
awaken a faint Gracie. Ferdie is rooted s few feet from the doorway, staring
wide-eyed about himself. Bob is screaming.

Bob: AAAAAAAAAAA!!! She's gone! GONE! AAAAAAAAAAA!
Iiwi: WHO'S gone?
Bob: Bobetta!!
Ivan: What do you mean, she's gone?!

One of the cops has noticed Ferdia and Squeaks, and limps over to them.

Cop 1: Sorry, guys, we never saw them comin'.
Ferdia: What do you mean, you never saw them coming? Half the precinct was up
here guarding her!
Cop 1: Yesterday, maybe. Most of 'em left this morning when the rioting
started.
Cop 2: Besides, there wasn't much we could do when the missiles hit.
Squeaks: You were hit with missiles?!?
Ferdia: Since when was San Viano Valley a war zone?!
Cop 1: Man, Blue, where've you been? Some wacko's been throwing these
things at us all day! The National Guard's been called!
Iiwi: Forget about the National Guard! What happened to Bobetta?
Cop 1: Fleet o' helicopters came here, shot the place to bits, and grabbed
her while we were tryin' to deal with their crossfire!
Iiwi: Arg! This week is beginning to feel like a really bad movie! Exactly
when did we fall into the Twilight Zone?!?

Across from them, Ivan is trying to talk to a still-hysterical Bob.

Bob: AAAAAAAA!!! SHE'S GONE!!! AND IT'S ALL MY FAULT!!! WAAAAAA!
Ivan: Big strong kiwi, huh? Keep her safe, huh?
Bob: WAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!
Ivan: [losing temper] Grrrrrrr, get a GRIP, BOB! [catches Bob in a right hook to
the cheek]
[Bob gets knocked back a few feet, and sits up, rubbing his cheek.]
Bob: Ooooh, this is all YOUR fault! [points accusingly at Ivan]
Ivan: MY fault?! She was your responsibility, and YOU let her stay here!
Bob: Where was she SUPPOSED to go?!
Ivan: I don't know!---Pick a cabin! She's got, what, twenty condos along both
coasts and another ten cabins scattered throughout the Midwest? She could'a
gone to any one of those, not to mention any of her mother's chateaus in
Europe! Why keep her here?!
Bob: I don't know, maybe I'm just a stupid kiwi! Why didn't YOU say
anything?!?
Ivan: Oh, yeah, right, like she's gonna listen to ME!

Iiwi: Guys.......Guys!.......GUYS!!!!!!! [they stop fighting and look at her]
Maybe we should DO something OTHER than arguing? Like FIND her?
Ferdia: Those two [motions to the two cops] said they were attacked from the
south by a squadron of attack helicopters. From their description, the choppers
sound like older Apaches and a Huey or two. Know anybody with that type of
hardware?
[Bob glares at Ivan, who narrows his eyes and crosses his arms]
Ivan: [to Bob] BESIDES me, she means.
Iiwi: [sadly] Ozzie would've had some....
Ferdie: But he's out of the picture.
Squeaks: True, but that wouldn't have prevented whoever took out his island from
taking his aircraft...
Ferdia: We need a lead. Someone must've seen those helicopters...
Bob: Yes! I know! I'll call XYZPDQ!
Ivan: [pats Bob on the head] Yes, you do that, Bob. I'll call my pilots.

Bob and Ivan call their respective contacts while Ferdia attempts to call
headquarters. Iiwi looks out in the direction the cops said the helicopters had
flown off in, thinking.

Ivan: Well, my operatives confirm the whirlybirds' flights in, but say they
didn't come back that way.
Bob: Haha! That would be because they flew south, not southwest!
Ivan: That's ridiculous! There's no islands within their flight range to the
south!
Iiwi: So maybe they just skirted the coastline.
Ferdie: But what's along the coast?
Iiwi: ....nothing much. But Ozzie had an old factory down there somewhere, I
think.
Squeaks: You know quite a bit about this Oswald guy, don't you?
Iiwi: You implying something, Detective?
Ivan: Yeah, because most o' this stuff's common knowledge. In fact, now that I
think about it, I know what factory she's talking about. It's nestled in some
cliffs along Cape Curlew.
Squeaks: Common knowledge for who?
Ferdia: Worry about that later, eh? Right now, it's a lead I'll follow -- it's
better than nothing, which is about all we have now.
Squeaks: We're grasping at straws, and I don't like the amount of loose ends
we're leaving. Very little of this would hold up in court.
Ferdia: As of right now we don't have anyone alive enough to stand trial anyway.
And I want to know who blew up my city. So I'm going, with or without you.
Squeaks: [grins] Oh, I never said I wasn't going.
Ivan: Great. My pilots are on their way.

Ivan's jet flies among the clouds, cruising at just under 600 mph at 40,000
feet. The pilots keep a close eye on their radar consoles, watching for bogeys
or anything else unusual. In the passenger cabin, a debate rages on.

Squeaks: I just can't help but feel we're being lead through this. It's almost
too easy.
Ferdia: Granted, but right now I really want to know who's behind it. This
isn't about the death of a butler-turned-informant anymore.
Ivan: If you want my opinion -
Ferdie & Bob: We Don't!!
Ivan: - he probably spilled something he shouldn't've, to someone that wasn't
supposed to know --
Iiwi: -- and when his employer found out, he scrambled to do a cleanup!
Ivan: Yeah, except it was too late. Word had spread, necessitating not only a
massive cleanup, but also - I think - a stepping-up of his timetable.
Ferdia: So a plan that's been in the works for months is suddenly in jeopardy if
he doesn't act fast?
Ivan: [shrugs] I figure. Must've been a major scheme, though, to be causing
this much devastation.
Iiwi: Normally, the bosses and political figures that are disappearing would
probably have been taken out discreetly, so no one would suspect anything.
Bob: But where does Bobetta fit into all this?
Ferdia: Us. We're getting too close, so he does this to get us off his trail
for a while.
Squeaks: It almost makes sense...
Ivan: [shrugs] It's what I'd do if I were in his place. He's killed a lot of
high-ranking people on both sides of the track, so he's in deep if he gets
caught by anybody.

The plane suddenly banks sharply to the right, diving for a few thousand feet
before slip-turning into a leftward dive. The jet picks up speed, its
"Seatbelts" light suddenly glowing. The pilot's voice comes over the speaker.

Pilot: Sir! We've got incoming missiles!
Ivan: [grabbing for the mike as the others scramble for seats as the flight
becomes rather turbulent] Deploy countermeasures!
Pilot: We are, sir! But we're running out!
Ivan: What do you mean, running out?!? There's enough flares and radar buoys on
this bird to out-fly the U.S. Navy!
Pilot: That doesn't change the fact that we're out, si--

The pilot is suddenly cut off as the plane goes into a high speed right dive.
The dodge is not done quickly enough, though, as a missile hits the left wing
tip, taking out the port engine and sending the jet into a tailspin. Sirens
wail and red warning lights flash as the plane tumbles through the clouds. Ivan
struggles to the cockpit.

Ivan: What are you idiots doing to my plane?!? Get us out of this dive!
Pilot: I'm trying, sir, but the controls aren't responding!
Ferdia: Cut to half-power on the tail engine and give her full flaps & a hard
left rudder!
[The plane settles into a 10 degree, slightly rightward dive, the pilot
scrambles to find a landing site.]
Ivan: Where'd you learn that?
Ferdia: Hey, I've got my pilot's license. Just because the Chief won't let me
near the Police chopper doesn't mean I'm not an ace pilot.
Squeaks: [from cabin] No, it just means they want to keep their only chopper in
one working piece.
Ferdia: And who blew up their other one, huh?
Pilot: Not to interrupt, but we are still going to crash, so you may want
to strap yourselves in.

As the pilot dumps their remaining fuel, Ferdia and Ivan take a look at the
rapidly-rising ground, then run back into the cabin & fasten their belts.
Moments later, they plane impacts the field below, jolting its passengers and
snapping its wheels and bending its remaining wing. It bounces back up a few
feet before coming down hard on its crippled right wing, rolling onto its side,
and sliding in a half-circle, coming to a halt several hundred feet from their
initial touch-down site.

Watching from atop a nearby abandoned factory, the shadow that had launched the
last of his stolen missiles swore. ~ They should be a smoldering hole in the
ground! ~ he thought angrily ~ Oh well, I wasn't going to need this joint much
longer, anyway. I'll just have to leave sooner than I'd planned. ~ He turned
and stalked to the stairway, muttering to himself. This was not going as
planned. It was going way too fast. And those detectives were getting way too
close. ~ But without their airplane, that will soon change. ~

Chapter Eleven

Squeaks gave the hatch another kick, finally dislodging the battered door and
sending it flying to the ground. He jumped down, followed by Ferdia, Iiwi, and
Ivan. Bob staggered toward the door, lost his balance, and fell out to the
ground. Ferdie followed, gingerly stepping to the ground before falling over
onto his back.

Ivan: [Looks from Ferdie to Ferdia, then back to Ferdie before scratching his
head and turning to Ferdia] Maybe you're adopted, or somethin'....
Ferdie: [still lying on back, stabbing a finger in the air] Can I help it if
cast-iron stomachs do NOT run in the male side of our family?!
Iiwi: [surveying the damage] Too bad. She was a good plane.
Ivan: Not to mention one I actually earned. [to shocked looks] Long story.
Squeaks: [looks off-panel] At least we made it to this factory.
Ferdia: [sighs] Not that whoever shot at us is still going to be there once
we've hiked half that far...

The group sets off for the factory, leaving the pilot and copilot to guard the
wreckage. It sits on the edge of a cliff, and several attack helicopters rest
on a cliffside helipad. They approach it carefully, then rush the door when
they are met with no opposition. The padlock on the door is removed easily
enough with a well-aimed shot, then removed and the door kicked open.

The group slowly fans out inside the dark factory, searching for a lightswitch.
Ferdia takes out a flashlight, and does a quick sweep of the room, only to
discover it is...

Ferdia: ...empty?
Ferdie: Whew! There's a relief! For a moment I thought we were gonna be met
with a fully-armored compliment of guerilla soldiers!

The lights flash on, revealing a fully-armored compliment of guerilla soldiers.

Ferdie: EEEEEEEEK!!!!
Ivan: [smacks Ferdie upside the head] Just HAD to say something, didn't you!?!

A shadow emerges from the manager's office on the second floor, clutching a
handcuffed Bobetta in from of him as a living shield.

Shadow: Welcome, detectives. Nice landing, by the way.
Ivan: Why, you--
Shadow: Ah-ah-ah, Ivan, flattery will get you nowhere.
[Ivan looks taken aback that the stranger knows his name. Ferdie goes as far as
to whisper that to an equally-stunned Bob.]
Bobetta: Bob! Help!
Bob: Let her go, you evil, maniacal--
Shadow: Now, now, what did I just say about flattery?
Ferdia: [who has forgone the flashlight to hold her gun in both hands] Let her
go!
Shadow: [chuckles darkly] Eventually. When I no longer have need of her. Until
then, she is my insurance that you six won't follow me. And personally, I
would stay out of this if I were you two, Ivan, Iiwi. This does not involve
you. Nor any of you. [waves gun at Ferdia and Squeaks] You just go on back
home, forget this ever happened, and I'll let her go. [backs down a staircase,
headed for a rear exit]
Bobetta: Bob! Help! This guy is a raving lunatic! Just LOOK at him!
Shadow: Shut up! Hey, Ivan! Why don't you tell your buddies what happened the
last time you tangoed with Dr. Periwinkle?
Ferdie: PERIWINKLE?!? Ha ha! Isn't that a shade of blue?
Squeaks: Actually, I think it's a type of flower.
Ivan: [scratches head, thinking] Periwinkle, periwinkle.....hmm....[look of
recognition passes over his face, followed by a flash of anger] Hey! You owe me
three satellites and a spy plane, ya snake!
Shadow: [clucks his tongue] Tut tut. If you didn't want them destroyed, you
should've kept your distance....But is that all you remember? [shoots at Ivan's
feet]
Ivan: [jumping back] Yipes!
Shadow: How about you, Miss Redbird? No? [shoots at Iiwi, who flutters backward
as well, squawking] Very well, then, be that way. But I warn you, stay away!
This is a matter of personal vengeance and I will stop at nothing to get it!
Understand?!

With that, the he turned and ran out the exit, shouting orders for the guerillas
to hold them back. Happily complying with his orders, the guerillas open fire
on the group, sending them scattering for cover. Ferdia and Squeaks manage to
fell a few of the soldiers before the attack ends as abruptly as it began, the
soldiers running out the several exit doors for the remaining helicopters. The
exit door is slammed shut, then rocked with an explosion.

Slowly emerging from cover, Bob rushes to the door, followed closely by Ferdie,
Ferdia, Squeaks, Ivan, and Iiwi. Bob bursts through the door, stepping out
onto the helipad --

-- and realizing too late that it is no longer there. The group plunges off the
cliff, head over heels. Iiwi grabs onto a branch conveniently sprouting from
one of the cracks in the cliff wall, diving for Ivan. Ivan grabs a fistful of
her wing feathers, snatching Squeaks' tail almost as an afterthought. Squeaks
catches Ferdia by the hand; Ferdie manages to grab his sister's ankle and Bob's
tail.

Ferdie: Whoa.
Ivan: Oh, well THIS is just great. Just HAD to see what was behind that door,
eh, Bob?
Bob: But...but the helipad was there! And it was door #3!! Door #3 is ALWAYS
the right door!!
Squeaks: [kicking his feet, trying to swing them to the cliff wall] Urg, my
spine....Knock it off, you two! Bob, Ferdie, climb back up before he pulls my
tail off!
Ivan: Oh, the gratitude....
Bob: Okay, I trying....

The branch Iiwi is clinging to by her feet begins to creak and bend. Iiwi
glances at it nervously.

Iiwi: Uh, guys?....We're losing the branch!
Ivan: [worried, straining to look up] Please don't say things like that, Iiwi.
Squeaks: "Please"? Did I hear that correctly? Did the Evil Sir Ivan Kiwi
actually say "please"?
Ivan: If holdin' you by the tail hurts that much, just say so. No need to get
delirious.
Iiwi: Guys.....

The branch snaps, sending the detectives hurtling to the rocky beach shoals once
again. Iiwi is overwhelmed by their combined weight, and, though beating her
wings frantically, plummets downward with them.

Once in freefall, however, Ivan releases Squeaks, flapping his own wings
furiously. Buoyed up by the suddenly lightened load, Iiwi begins to gain
altitude, and Ivan grabs onto her feet, offsetting her lift to weight ratio
enough that she can only flutter down in a slow spiral.

Iiwi: Ivan! You're wrecking my equilibrium! Leggo!
Ivan: I just did.
Iiwi: I meant of ME!
Ivan: Why? You're doing just fine now. Besides, Bob broke their fall.

Iiwi dives to the beach, forcing Ivan to let go as she lands roughly in the
sand, sending him tumbling. Ferdia and Squeaks drag themselves ashore and
shake the water out of their uniforms while Ferdie sits rubbing his head in the
surf. Bob washes ashore and lies in the sand as waves break over him.

Bob: Ooooh....Dead.
Ferdia: That wasn't very nice, Ivan.
Ivan: Hey, can I help it if you guys are heavy?
Iiwi: [looking after the last of the retreating helicopters] They're following
the river now.
Ferdie: [still coughing up seawater] Great. But how're we gonna catch 'em?
Bob: I'll call XYZPDQ! [tries to activate wrist communicator] Aaarg! It's
broken!
Ivan: What, the gizmo ain't waterproof?
Ferdia: Somehow I doubt its creators thought to protect it from a three-story
fall off a cliff onto rocky shoals.
Ivan: [mumbling] Gotta make everythin' personal, don't we?
Iiwi: The river's probably not deep enough for your sub, is it, Ivan?
Ivan: Nope.
Ferdie: So how ARE we gonna follow them?
Squeaks: [looking to trees lining river] Trust me, you don't wanna ask.

Chapter Eleven

A makeshift raft floats down the river, guided by the currents. It occasionally
hits a snag, and frequently goes over the small rapids dotting the river.
Ferdia and Squeaks sit back to back, napping, at the front of the raft.
Ferdie sits cross-legged on the middle of the raft, facing away from them with
his head propped up in his hands. The raft goes over a series of rapids,
drifting sideways for a bit before swinging back around. Squeaks opens an eye
and glares at Ferdie, who hunches a little lower.

Ferdie: [muttering] Not my fault I lost the paddle. I've never been rafting
before....

Bob sits at the end of the raft, trailing his feet in the water and singing.
Ivan sits on the opposite corner with arms crossed and his back to Bob.

Bob: Stinky feet, stinky feet, stinky stinky stinky feet....
Ivan: [turning to Bob] Bob! Shut UP!

Bob ignores him and continues singing. Ivan covers his ears with his wings,
hunching over as Bob sings louder. Finally unable to take it anymore, he
snarls and lunges at Bob, and the two tumble off the raft into the river.

Iiwi: Ivan!
Ivan: [pauses, struggling to hold a thrashing Bob's head underwater] Whaaaat?
Iiwi: [narrows eyes] Let him up.

Ivan looks from her to Bob, then to her again. Heaving a sigh of resignation,
he gives Bob one last dunk before jumping back onto the raft. Bob flops on
behind him and gasps for breath for a few seconds before shaking himself dry
and again sitting on the edge of the raft. He looks around for a moment, then
resumes signing. Ivan utters a muted scream of frustration, then sits down
again.

Iiwi dives down into the river, then splashes up and onto the raft. She shakes
the water droplets off and begins preening her feathers. Ivan gives her a
pleading look, thumbing over his shoulder at Bob. Iiwi shrugs. Ivan directs
his attention to Ferdia and Squeaks instead.

Ivan: Hey! Not that this isn't just downright Twainian an' all, but isn't there
something else we could be doing to find them?

In the background, Bob is still singing and dipping his feet in the water. He
stops to look into it, wiggles his toes and says 'Hi, fishie.' The fish lunges
for his foot. Bob jumps up, screaming and hopping on one foot while kicking
with the other, to which the fish is now firmly attached.

[Bob: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!]
Ferdia: We have to get there first, and the only ones with working
communications devices are you and Iiwi. You don't have anyone who can help us,
and Iiwi's headset is out of range.

In the background, Bob grabs the leg with the fish on it and smacks the fish
with one wing while flailing the other about. He hops frantically from one end
of the raft to the other, spinning around a few times and screaming.

Ivan: What about your radios?

Bob loses his balance and topples over the side of the raft, splashing Iiwi, who
looks up from her preening for the source of the splash. More fish converge on
Bob.

Squeaks: They weren't exactly designed for a three-story fall into rocky
saltwater, either. All we're getting is static. If you're bored, you can make
another paddle.

Bob rockets out of the water with a tremendous splash and lands on the raft with
a splat, catching everyone's attention. He lays there panting as the others
look at his chewed-up feathers in puzzlement.

Ferdie: What happened to you, Bob?
Bob: What happened to me? What happened to me?!? I'll tell you what happened
to-
Iiwi: Look! [points ahead] There's a boat up ahead!
Ferdia: Friend or foe?
Squeaks: [peering at it with binoculars that, miraculously, have survived to
this point] Hard to say.
Bob: Oh, yeah, go on and change the subject...

The boat turns out to be a simple fisherman's trawler, but hey, when you're in a
raft, it's fantastic. Ferdia and Squeaks quickly commandeer the boat, but
manage to do so only by taking the fisherman, who insists on steering, with
them.

Fisherman: So, what'd y'all say you were lookin' fer?
Ferdia: A couple of military helicopters, flying by the river.
Fisherman: Oh, izzat all? They came up 'bout two, three hours ago, scarin' all
the fish away.
Ferdie: Did you see where they were headed?
Fisherman: Well, toward th' base, I'd reckon.
Squeaks: [raises an eyebrow at Ferdia] Base?
Ferdia: [shrugs] Don't ask me. I don't know of any bases near here.
Fisherman: That's because there aren't any.
Ivan: But you just said!!
Fisherman: Oh, there's somethin' down there, but we're not s'posed to know 'bou
t it. It's Top Secret.
Ivan: Oh, really? We're a little far from Area 51, don't ya think?
Fisherman: Scoff all ya want, it's still there. With 'lectric fences, an'
guards wi' big guns, an' weird strobe lights at night.
Iiwi: Does it have a name?
Fisherman: Now, how can sumthin' that don' exist have a name?
Ferdia: [searching with Squeaks' binoculars] So where is it?
Fisherman: Dunno. But the river forks after a bit, an' ya just foller it to the
right, an' ya eventually have one o' those encounter things, is what I hear.
Ferdie: Oh, great. We're putting our live in the hands of a lunatic.
Ivan: No, that was when we followed Bob out the door.
Bob: Oooh, you'se 'a makin' me angry....
Iiwi: I'll fly ahead and check things out.

Iiwi takes off and flies down the river. She returns in half an hour, looking
both excited and disappointed.

Iiwi: Well, I found the fork in the river, and the fenced-in "base" -- but I
followed the fence all the way around, it's just closing off swampland!
Fisherman: That's 'cause it's in disguise.
Iiwi: But there's nothing there! It's just swampland, no place to land, and
acidic enough to rust anything metal. If there was a base there, it would need
to underground, and it'd be hard to keep in working condition.
Ivan: That's the military for ya.
Ferdie: Wait, I remember hearing about a secret base under a lake....
Ivan: Keyword: Lake. As in, closed-off body of freshwater. Iiwi said this is a
swamp.
Squeaks: Yes, it would be much harder to build.... and maintain.... so maybe it
hasn't been.
Ferdie: Run that by me again?
Squeaks: Even your military will only spend so much money on a project. After
that, they're usually willing to admit it's a lost cause, and close the
operation.
Ferdia: Yes...they close it down, someone else finds it and decides it'd be an
excellent spot to head their operations from...and keeps up a military front to
keep the locals away.
Squeaks: Sounds feasible.
Ferdie: I don't know.... Are criminals that smart?
Ivan & Iiwi: Yes. [group stares at them] What?
Ivan: What?!? Ya asked a question, and ya got an answer. Now stop lookin' at
me like I'm about to pull a knife on the lot of you.
Ferdie: Iiwi?
Iiwi: What? There are some crafty crooks out there, you know. Mafia, cons, cat
burglars, and so on. You know that.
Ferdie: But, well, you know, uh.....there are plenty of better ways to make a
living...
Bob: ...and, besides, crime doesn't --
Ivan: [smirks] Ha! Whoever said crime doesn't pay has evidently never seen my
bank statements.

Bob opens his mouth, but never gets a chance to say anything, as the entire
group's attention is suddenly drawn to the swamp ahead.

Chapter Twelve

The 'underwater base' rises three stories above the swamp, camouflaged from
overhead and distance view by swamp trees, vines, and overgrown weeds. The
parts are not covered in plant growth are painted in dark, drab colors and have
weathered and flaked off to such a large extent that they at first glance
appear to be nothing more than the battered remains of windblown fishing
shanties and scuttled boats. Here and there patches of swamp grass grow in
clumps, masking the sloping entrances to the true 'underwater' parts of the
base.

Ferdie: Uh, Iiwi? You wanna fly over and investiga-
Iiwi: No way, no how. They've probably got machine-gun nests up there.
Ivan: You're right. It's too dangerous. Let Bob go instead.
Bob: WHAT?!?
All: SHHH!!!!
Bob: But....
Ferdia: [scanning area with the infrared binoculars] Later, Bob. Right now you
need to be quiet. I don't think they've spotted us yet.
Ivan: [sarcastically] Well, now, that would certainly explain why we're all
still alive and breathing. [snaps at fisherman] Turn that motor off!!
Fisherman: But there's no'un here!
Iiwi: Look! On the roof! The helicopters!
Fisherman: Gee, sure are spiffy-lookin' things!
Ferdia: Okay, we know they're here somewhere.
Squeaks: Problem is, where?
Ivan: Underground. It's dark, it's dank, and it's bound to be a regular
labyrinth down there. Half your enemies would get lost before they even got to
your guards.
Ferdie: You certainly seem to know what you're talking about.
Ivan: [shrugs] Evil knows evil.
Iiwi: I'd go for the upper floors of the building. Secluded, hard to reach, and
easily defendable. Plus, you're close to the helicopters if you need to leave
in a hurry.
Ferdia: Hmm....They both sound like plausible strategies to me. I'd take the
high road. Squeaks?
Squeaks: [shakes his head] Nah, I'd go underground. More intimidating, plus you
could have an escape tunnel, so no one'd see you leave.
Ferdie: So, what? We should split up?
Ferdia: [glances at Squeaks] Well...
Squeaks: [half-shrugs] Gonna be difficult to make an arrest if we both go the
wrong way.
Bob: Great! We'll go downstairs!
Iiwi: Oh, no. You're not getting me in those tunnels.
Ivan: Me neither. [to stares] Hey, the only underground deathtraps I venture
into are the ones I designed, okay?!
Ferdia: Fine. Iiwi and Ivan come with me, Ferdie and Bob go with Squeaks.
Let's move, people!

Squeaks, Ferdie, and Bob disembark the boat and enter one of the sloping
tunnels. Squeaks tests his antennae-radio before entering, and gets a thumbs-up
from Ferdia -- their headset radios, at least, are working. Ferdia, Ivan, and
Iiwi climb back aboard the raft and pole toward the building using the
fisherman's net. The fisherman watches them for a few minutes, then looks
around uneasily.

Fisherman: Well, uh, guess I'll be goin' 'long my way now...

Ferdia, Ivan, and Iiwi approach the entrance to the building. The thick iron
door is heavily rusted, its hinges yielding only after considerable effort.
Ferdia throws her weight into the door, slowly pushing it open.

The interior of the building is deathly quiet and very ill-lit, the only light
filtering through the cracked and dingy barred windows. The trio enters
cautiously, with Ferdia leading the way, gun drawn. The ruined interior of the
room reveals it to be the remnants of a typical military compound, and leads to
a cluttered hallway with a stairwell at the end. They slowly ascend the
stairs, emerging on the slightly better-lit but just as run-down third floor.
Again, the hallway is cluttered but devoid of life; the walls of the bordering
labs and offices have crumbled, and dust hangs in the air, reflecting in the
filtered sunlight and bathing the rooms in an eerie glow.

Iiwi: [whispering] Spooky. It almost feels haunted.
Ivan: Don't you start. This place is already giving me the creeps.
Ferdia: No, I agree. It does feel as if we're being watched.
Ivan: Probably just your minds playing tricks on you. Adrenaline does that
sometimes...
Iiwi: It's too quiet.
Ivan: Not anymore it's not, with you two talking.
Ferdia: Hush.

They approach the room at the end of the hallway -- the only one whose walls are
intact. Ferdia pauses and leans against the door for a moment, listening, then
takes a step back and kicks the door in, darting inside and sweeping the room.
Perplexed, she lowers her gun, frowning and motioning to the others. The
follow her in.

The room is empty.

Ivan: Well, 'Redbird', I've got to hand it to you, you sure can call 'em.
Should we read 'em all their rights now, or do it individually?
Iiwi: [ruffles her feathers] Shut up.

Ignoring them, Ferdia goes to the room's window. The only one they've seen in
the building with neither bars nor glass, it gives access to a small fire
escape with a ladder to the roof.

Ferdia: What do you say we go check out the roof?
Iiwi: [eyes light up] Yes! The helicopters!
Ivan: [following them up the ladder] Well, it's a consolation prize, but, hey, I
was down an aircraft anyway...

The three survey the rooftop -- Ferdia and Ivan from the ground, Iiwi from the
air. Three Apache helicopters perch atop the roof, with crates of various
shapes and sizes stacked around them. Familiar with ambush set-ups, Ferdia
warily scans the grouped stacks of crates. Ivan eyes the Apaches
appreciatively.

Iiwi: Hey, the Huey transport isn't up here!
Ivan: [shrugs] Guess they've left already. [begins walking toward one of the
Apaches] Well, might as well take one--Aaaa! [he cringes as a bullet grazes his
shoulder]

That and a startled squawk from Iiwi are the only warnings they get before all
hell breaks loose. Bullets scream through the air from every direction as the
armed guards in and behind the crates spring into action.

Dodging, running, and emptying half a clip returning fire, Ferdia retreats
behind the closest unoccupied crate, with Ivan close behind. Coming up every
few seconds to return fire and keep the gunmen back, she peeks around the
corner of the crate, mind racing for a way out of this situation.

Ivan: All right, what now, fearless leader?
Ferdia: I've got an idea! But we'll need to cross over there! [points]
Ivan: Ha! You may have a bulletproof vest on, sister, but I don't!
Ferdia: Well-- [ducks down as bullets ricochet off the crate's lid] --Iiwi!
[calls up to Iiwi, who is frantically circling, diving at the gunmen, and
dodging the shots fired at her] We need a gun!
Iiwi: [bullet rips through trailing edge of her left wing, missing the flesh but
tearing free some flight feathers] Squawk! Oh, sure! [ducks] Piece 'a cake!
[banks left] Eeee! [bullet glances leading edge of her right wing]

Iiwi flies off to edges of battle, gains some altitude, then dives into a group
of gunmen with their backs to her.

Ivan: [hears Iiwi's screech as she dives] Geez! You're gonna get her killed!
Ferdia: And you care?
Ivan: No!...but then you're gonna try to send ME out there without a gun--
[Stops as a sub-machine gun falls into his lap. Iiwi dives down to swamp-level,
then uses her speed to propel her upward, above and out of the battle.] ---err,
never mind...
Ferdia: Great. Now, on my mark, we charge! Ready? Mark!

Chapter Thirteen

A small, wavering light pieces the darkness. Coming to rest on a wall,
the small circle of light gradually enlarges, as Squeaks, Ferdie, and Bob come
to the split in the tunnels.

Squeaks: Any suggestions?
Ferdie: Let's go right.
Bob: No, left!
Ferdie: We just went left!
Bob: No we didn't! We just went straight through the last four intersections!
Ferdie: We did not!
Bob: Did so!
Ferdie: DID NOT!
Squeaks: Knock it off! We'll go left.
Bob: [sticks tongue out at Ferdie] Nya!
Ferdie: Why, you!...

The two continue to argue as they proceed to the left. Squeaks ignores them, as
he has been doing for the past half-hour. ~ I'm beginning to remember why I
hated the war with the Minervian mole-people so much as an ensign. Even a
compass is useless in these tunnels once you've gotten turned around as badly as
we have...~

Fifteen minutes later, the tunnel suddenly opens into a cavern, dimly lit by
phosphorescent bacteria and moss. As they enter the cavern, the sudden, harsh
light of fluorescent bulbs blinds them as a voice echoes off the walls.

Dr. Periwinkle: Well, well, well! I must say, detectives, I am most impressed!
I hadn't expected anyone would prove capable of tracking me to my cliffside
factory, much less finding their way through this underground maze!
Bob: Actually, we didn't really think we'd find our way through this maze
ourselves. [Ferdie punches him in the arm] Ow!
Dr. Periwinkle: Heh heh. All this, and honest, too! I confess, you are the
most worthy of adversaries! I'd look forward to playing this game again,
detectives.....if I didn't have to kill you for getting so close to ruining my
plans, that is!
Ferdie: You don't have to kill us! Really! Just knock us unconscious and leave
us dangling upside-down from the stalactites or something....
Dr. Periwinkle: Sorry, I'm afraid I can't do that. A pity you split up -- I'm
sure my comrades are having fun with your friends, but it would be so nice to
let Ivan tell this story. He's so much better at it than I, you see. But,
alas, he is not here. Pity.
Bob: Where's Bobetta? I demand you hand over my fianc�!
Dr. Periwinkle: Oh, she's safe, kiwi. Just away from the fighting. I said I
would return her to her home, unharmed, and I meant it. I only needed her to
draw you out here, away from my current operation.
Squeaks: What exactly is your current operation?
Dr. Periwinkle: Ah, a detective to the last. I admire that. And I guess I
might as well tell you....I suppose revealing your 'master plan' to the
'heroes' right before you destroy them is a sort of rule among villains......I
am Dr. Periwinkle, a world-renowned technological genius and infamous mad
scientist. Or so the papers say. And yes, I am the one responsible for setting
the events up north in motion....but with good reason, I might add!
Ferdie: Let me guess -- you're competing for the Villain of the Year award.
Dr. Periwinkle: No! ....Well, yes, actually, but that's beside the point! I did
this for one reason, and one reason only --- THIS! [leans forward into lights]
Bob: For what?
Ferdie: I can't see, the lights are too bright!
Squeaks: Then turn around and look at his shadow. [they do so]
Ferdie: Whoa!
Bob: AAAAAAAAAAAAA!
Dr. Periwinkle: See?! That's exactly what makes me so mad! This isn't my fault!
I was the hapless victim of a science experiment gone wrong!
Ferdie: Aren't they all?
Bob: They who?
Ferdie: Mad scientists. Aren't they all hapless victims of something-or-other?
Dr. Periwinkle: My work was sabotaged by corporate spies! They did this! And
for that, the entire hair-growth empire will suffer! Wahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!
Ferdie: I do believe that is the first truly maniacal laugh I have ever heard.
Bob: This guy has problems.
Dr. Periwinkle: And now, I must kill y-- What! I'm in the middle of a maniacal
scheme here, you dolt! [Yells at a lackey that runs up to him from behind the
lights. The lackey leans over and whispers something to him.] WHAT?!? Can't
you imbeciles do anything right?! Stop them! [Lackey whispers something else.]
Arrrrg! [Smacks lackey over the ledge he is standing on. The lackey tumbles
down and lands at the detectives' feet.] Well, detectives, due to the
incompetence of my associates, you have been granted a stay of execution. But I
shall prevail another day!

The shadow of Dr. Periwinkle runs off, headed deeper into the cavern. Squeaks
breaks into a run, following him. Ferdie and Bob run after him, followed by
the limping lackey.

Dr. Periwinkle darts down dimly-lit passageways, unaware he is being followed.
He takes a sharp left turn into a dark passageway. When Squeaks does the
same, he finds the passageway dead-ends, and searches the walls for a switch or
lever or other indications of hidden doors. Ferdie, Bob, and the lackey puff
into the room. The lackey gasps for breath for a second, getting his bearings,
then walks up to a wall and pushes on a section that looks like all the others.
A rock slab on the ceiling above him opens, revealing a ladder to the surface.

Lackey: Hurry! He's got a helicopter up there!
Squeaks: [scrambling up ladder] You do realize, you're under arrest.
Lackey: I'll be safer in prison. He's really pissed at me now. And with him,
that usually means you live until he fetches a weapon.
Ferdie: Nice guy, huh?
Lackey: For a pit bull, maybe.

Squeaks emerges from the hole on a long tarmac. He manages to get a glance at
the retreating form of Dr. Periwinkle hurrying into a Huey helicopter with its
rotors spinning, which lifts off the tarmac as Dr. Periwinkle disappears into
it. Squeaks breaks into a run for the helicopter, leaping up and grabbing hold
of a strut just as a bound and gagged Bobetta is tossed out of its passenger
cabin. Bobetta falls into the mouse, breaking his hold on the strut and sending
them both tumbling to the ground.

Bob and Ferdie run to Bobetta's side, untying her as Squeaks picks himself off
the ground and starts after the ascending helicopter. He stops short, though,
as the helicopter turns and fires a round at him, forcing him back. The Huey,
having gained about a hundred feet in altitude, begins to advance on the
group....

....until a strafing run rips into its side, jolting it backwards and sending
sparks running along its length. Turning to flee, its tail rotor catches the
full force of the next round, a small air-to-air missile. The shrapnel from
the destroyed tail rotor, propelled by the centripetal force of its spin, sails
into the body of the helicopter and upward into the main rotor. Miraculously,
the Huey does not explode, but pitches forward into a dive, spinning out of
control deeper into the swamp.

Stunned, the four gawk after the failing aircraft, brought back to reality only
by a familiar screech. Iiwi levels out of her dive and lands by Ferdie, Bob,
and Bobetta. Watching her land, Squeaks ears prick up at the whine of another
helicopter....coming down right behind him.

Whirling, Squeaks takes a step back as the Apache stops its drop and bobs a few
feet above the ground. Waving enthusiastically from the pilot's seat is
Ferdia. And behind her, in the raised gunner's seat, sits a rather smug-looking
Evil Sir Ivan Kiwi.

Ferdia: [calling jubilantly over the whirlybird's speakers] Hi, Squeaks! Was
that cool or what?
Squeaks: A little wobbly, aren't you?
Ferdia: You'll have to forgive me. The Army trains its pilots for months in
simulators before it even lets them near Apache trainers. I've had about
fifteen minutes. I've got to get one of these!
Ivan: And you're welcome!
Squeaks: Careful, there, you might be learning some manners, Ivan.
Ivan: Manners, my tail feathers. I agree with your partner. I love this thing!
Ferdia: Radar says there's another Huey at the other end of the complex. We
found it first, before we saw the other one. You can fly those, can't you,
Squeaks?
Squeaks: Why do I get the feeling that's your way of saying you're not giving up
that helicopter?
Ferdia: Come on. Let me have a little bit of fun before the Army takes her
back.

Dusk. Two choppers fly back north at an altitude of five thousand feet and an
aircraft-to-aircraft spacing of forty feet. The Apache frequently breaks off to
perform aerobatics; the Huey flies straight and level, mindful of its tired
crew. Inside its cabin, the two yellow kiwis snuggle together while the
bluebird watches the red iiwi preen her damaged feathers and helps bandage her
wounded wing. Inside the cockpit, the pilot reviews the newest details of
their latest case with the pilot of the Apache.

Squeaks: ...and then you two finally showed up, and shot him down.
Ferdia: Chief's not gonna like the fact that we couldn't find a body at the
crash site...
Squeaks: Hey, we contacted the local law enforcement and got them to send a
forensics team. It's not our problem if they can't find a body. And even if
it were, it'd be the least of our problems.
Ferdia: You've got that right. The reports on this case are gonna be
their own book.
Squeaks: Maybe the city'll make a movie out of it. You still sure taking that
Apache was a good idea?
Ferdia: Think of it as an armed escort. Besides, maybe it'd stop some of the
looting if people saw an attack chopper cruising the streets.
Squeaks: If nothing else, it'll make a good entrance.

Epilogue

Late evening, San Viano Valley, 42nd Precinct. Casey, Trevor, and Bishop mill
around in front of the newly-scaffolded Precinct building, watching as their
fellow officers and National Guardsmen patrol the calming streets. It is
getting darker, but few lights illuminate the street.

Trevor: Power's out across half the city.
Bishop: At least the looting has all but stopped. This thing swept along the
entire western coastline, worst I've seen in years. Cities, towns,
corporations, power plants. Everyone's been hit pretty hard.
Casey: I talked to one of the Guardsmen. He says a state of emergency's been
declared. We're up for federal disaster relief money.
Trevor: We need it. And I still can't believe the Chief bailed on us. [motions
to the left, where the Chief and Vernon the sparrow are conversing with the
mayor and an army general] I mean, Vern I could understand. The guy's got no
backbone. But the Chief--
Bishop: The Chief's got a family to take care of.
Trevor: Well, fortunately, something like this won't be repeating any
time soon. Most of the gangs are in jail.
Casey: Or in the hospital.
Bishop: A lot of good cops are there too, boys.
Casey: Speaking of good cops, have either of you heard from Ferdia or Squeaks?
Bishop: Not since they came by yesterday for the lab results. Didn't they
mention where they were going?
Trevor: Do they ever?

He turns his head in the direction of a faint engine whine. The other two do
the same, and catch sight of the two helicopters' landing lights as they round
a corner a hundred feet from the ground, slowing to a hover as they near the
station. The smaller, stub-winged Apache swings around to the side as the two
begin to land. Across from the cops, Vernon and the Chief look surprised, the
mayor, annoyed, and the general, alarmed. He runs to the trio.

Trevor: You don't suppose....No... they wouldn't...
Casey: [grins] Yes they would.
General: What's going on here?! I wasn't informed that more troops were being
sent!

The choppers touch down, their rotors slowly winding down. The Huey transport's
cabin door slides open, as does the cockpit door. The pilot and his passengers
disembark and approach the stunned crowd of law-enforcers.

The Apache's hatch is slower to open, its pilot reluctant to end the flight.
Finally, the pilot shuts down the chopper's systems and vaults out the side,
unfastening her helmet and walking toward the group of cops.

Ferdie: [as Ferdia approaches the group] Sis, do you know your tail feathers are
singed?
Ferdia: Yep. [waves at the general] Hey, gen'ral! [thumbing to the Apache
behind her] That is one sweet ride! Where can I get one?
General: [frowns] Where did you get that one?
Casey: Glad to see you two made it! Do you know you've been declared a force of
Nature?
Ferdia: Huh?
Bishop: [shrugs] Something about a Federal Disaster Relief Fund.
Vernon: [running up to group] You! What have you done?! Look at this city!
It's a mess!
Ferdia: Oh, and that automatically makes it my fault?
Casey: Vernon, the city was hit by missiles!
Vernon: Exactly!
Ferdia: And just how is that my fault?!?

Chief: [walks up from behind the group, with the mayor trailing behind] Ferdia!
Ferdia: [cringes] Uh....hi, Chief...
Squeaks: [beside Ferdia] About the helicopters....we recovered them from a
militant gang southeast of here. After turning the gang over to the local
authorities, since these were the fastest way to get back here....
Trevor: [incredulously] You solved the case?
Ferdia: Well, sort of...
Mayor: Wait, you two are the officers from the museum incident three months
back, aren't you?
Casey: Hey, they stopped those freaks, didn't they?
Vernon: And leveled a good part of the museum in the process.
Mayor: I thought I recognized you! And now you've stopped the madman
responsible for this destruction as well? How?
Ferdia and Squeaks: [looking surprised at the mayor's cheerful attitude] Well...

The group listens as they relate the past four days' events. No one notices the
small shape slip out of the Apache's gunner seat and dart into an alleyway.

Casey and Trevor: [looking dumbstruck as the story ends] Wow...
Bishop: You two have really outdone yourselves this time...
Vernon: Ha! I'll say! Practically no evidence other than a trail of dead
bodies, and not even an arrest!
Mayor: [pats Vernon on the back, then steps forward and shakes Ferdia's and
Squeaks' hands] Don't be ridiculous! These two put a stop to that madman,
caught his underlings, and recovered four stolen army helicopters! They
deserve to be congratulated!
Ferdia: [shakes her head] Oh, no, that's not -Yawn!- necessary....[she yawns
again.]
Casey: A yawn!? Is it possible that our blue blur is tired? [Squeaks yawns as
well] Gasp! And her partner, too?
Trevor: Alert the media! Stop the presses! Call--
Chief: Knock it off, you two. Ferdia, Squeaks, go home, get some rest.
Mayor: [calls after departing group] Rest, nothing! Take a vacation!

Iiwi: Hey, has anyone seen Ivan?
Bob: [looking around] He's gone!
Bobetta: Hrumph. That scoundrel. I still think he was really behind all this!
Iiwi: How can you say that? He's probably gonna have the FBI following him 24 /
7 now 'cause of that submarine he let us use, and half his contacts and fellow
villains'll be out to get him because he worked with us! And that Periwinkle
guy was trying to kill him, too!
Bobetta: Well then why'd he help all of you?
Iiwi: Because....because....oh, never mind! I'm going to bed! [flies away]
Bobetta: Well, fine then, be that way! I'm going home!
Bob: But, Bobetta, the mansion is a mess!
Bobetta: Oh....right. Well, guess I'll just go to my condo in San Bernadino,
then.
Ferdie: As long as you're headed there, can you drop me off? My car's at the
airport.
Bobetta: Certainly. Bob, call a limo.

Squeaks: Walking home?
Ferdia: [shrugs] Have to. We trashed our prowler, and I didn't see any trains
running as we flew in. The subway's probably caved in all over the city. But
my apartment's not too far from here anyway. Assuming the building's still
standing. [Surveys the smoldering remnants of an intersection, then looks over
at the Apache]
Squeaks: [following her gaze] So, how's she handle?
Ferdia: Beautifully. A little tempermental, and difficult to hover, but she
flies beautifully. And she's got so many computerized instruments and gadgets
on 'er that she'd probably fly herself. How's the Huey? [runs a hand through
her hair]
Squeaks: Not nearly as agile as the Apache, bun fun nonetheless. It'd been a
while since I flew a helicopter... [catches sight of a cut on her forehead]
You're bleeding? [brushes her bangs back, revealing a patch of drying blood.]
Ferdia: [ducks head back] Bullet only nicked me. An' the vest took care of most
of the others.
Squeaks: [noticing the blood on her uniform] Most of the others?
Ferdia: [shrugs] One doesn't charge a group of militants and come out unscathed.
I'm fine.
Squeaks: You sure?
Ferdia: The hospitals are busy enough already, if that's what you're thinking.
I know how to treat a bullet wound. I'll take care of it myself. [hails a
cab]
Squeaks: [shrugs as she gets in the cab] Suit yourself.
Ferdia: [starts to close door, then opens it again] Hey, Squeaks, where do you
live?
Squeaks: Eh? Fourth and ninth. Why?
Ferdia: My apartment's up that way. Come on, we'll split the fare.
[Squeaks hesitates for a moment, then climbs in. The cab speeds away.]

Trevor: [elbows Casey in the ribs] Eh, eh, eh? Ya see that?
Casey: [rolls his eyes] Trev, they live within a block of each other.
Trevor: No, not that part! I meant-
Bishop: Don't you boys have anything better to do? Patrol, perhaps?
Casey: Er...right...

***Somewhere in the swamplands of southern California...***

The battered shadow stumbles through the underbrush. Favoring a leg, it
continues along its way in the darkness, unwilling to risk detection by those
searching for him.

Finding his way out of the swamp and onto a road, Dr. Periwinkle glances over
his shoulder before removing a well-hidden motorbike from a nearby ditch.

~ You may have one this one, detectives, but I'm not through yet. I'll have my
revenge! Nobody messes with Dr. Periwinkle! ~

Starting the bike's engine, the mad scientist let loose a peal of maniacal
laughter, speeding off as the sound echoed through the night.

-End

Source: geocities.com/tokyo/shrine/2400/fics

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