The Most Hideously Pointless Adventures of ShinDan Volume II
based on my hero Dan from SFA2
All rights belong to some guy who makes money thinking of characters like
this for CapCom.
by: cronusz@bellsouth.net
Or you might find a sentient killer sock in your mouth spitting acid one
fateful morning.
So here it is again. I haven't even posted the first horrid volume of my
hero's exploitations, er I mean adventures, and here I am writing another
volume just because Sean and Brian thought it kicked ass! I'm writing this
for no reason, just because i'm bored on a Monday night during Spring Break
of 1997. Jane! Stop this crazy thing!!
Oops I meant Ja ne.
Or is it Ja matta!?
Maybe Ja Matte?
How about See you?
Works for me.
-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-
Exploitation #3:
Dan goes to the amusement park
It was a wonderful day, you know, one of those days that you probably
ended up getting sick and couldn't go out and enjoy the nice day during your
high school summer vacation. Everyone burst out of their homes to catch the
local ice-cream freak driving a Mustang at about 120 mph in a local neigh-
borhood, and everybody ended up having to chip in to pay for funeral debts
and other such trivial nonsense about the local town lunatic. But otherwise
it was nice day.
It was such a day that Dan had challenged his arch-nemesis, ummm....
okay this time it'll be Sodom.
Sodom had been busy at retirement homes everywhere smashing old
foagy heads with his trusty sais, but he found it much more refreshing to do
it with a nearby furniture object, or if he was particularly brutal, with a
2 X 4. He would greet them, tell them he was homosexual, and beat them to
a bloody pulp. Dan had grown tired of this, not from the senseless violence
but from the reeeeeeeally bad smell of the piling bodies. I mean, come on,
who in their right mind would want to smell hundreds of dead elderly invalids
anyway?
And so, Dan attacked with his Monkey Kick while wearing his gas mask
to protect him from the odor. Unfortunately, the odor didn't like Dan, so it
assimilated and blinded his view. Sodom, prepared to massacre him, started
laughing insanely as out of nowhere a big blimp with the words "SHOW ME THE
MONEY JERRY!" printed on the side slammed into a nearby retirement home,
incinerating the remaining population of geezers.
Dan got up from his compromising position, which was something even
Dhalsim would whistle at, and faced his foe.
"Prepare to die, you gay geezer-beater!!!" Dan yelled, crying, in
his infinitely stone-like fist shook rapidly in taunting mode.
Nothing happened.
"Are you listening? Don't make me do the macarena breakdance remix
super megaphone taunt on you!!" Dan screamed, adding a OYAJJIIIIII.
Nothing.
Oh, whoops. Pan over to the left more.
Hey, look, Dan's getting beaten with a 4,234,667,122 hit custom level
28 Hyper Sodom Super Baka Dan beat 'em up special super combo!
Well, Dan promptly dies again. If you were in Geometry Class, this
would be the only proof you need to know that Dan is supreme lord of all
fighters in SFA2.
Hey you said he's going to the amusement park.
So I did.
An ambulence comes by tattooed with various sexual torturous methods
on the sides with a license plate of "S&M." ShinDan, who really isn't the
star but Dan's too sad to be a star, leaps out of the ambulence.
"My pathetic cousin. Are you alive?"
Dan stirred.
"Good. Now I can retire..." ShinDan said, smiling.
"What do you mean, cousin?!" Dan said, shooting up in bed, almost
completely recovered. (How I do not know)
ShinDan promptly does a super level 3 mega dan beat'em up murder
death hell killer and KOs his cousin.
We later see Dan being chased at an amusement park by rednecks with
4-gauge shotguns. ShinDan is raking in the dough for this attraction.
"CAN HE DIE? FIND OUT WHEN YOU GO OUT WITH REAL WEAPONS AND KILL
MY HORRID COUSIN COME ONE COME ALL..."
Well, he did go to the amusement park, didn't he? Yeesh...
EOF3
Exploitation #4
Dan of the jungle
Dan, Dan, Dan of the jungle, watch out for that tree!!
"Huh?" Dan said, looking around confused.
WHAM!!!
But, then, on the way down...
Dan, Dan, Dan of the jungle, watch out for that bird!!
"Huh, where?" Dan asked, dazed from the tree
The pack of rabid parrots below of him assault him and peck his
eyes out and otherwise leave painful bruises where it counts.
Dan, being almost invincible (at least only in my stories, in SFA2
he's a pushover) quickly recovers after they leave. Suddenly out of nowhere,
Blanka, uhhhh, I mean, A BIG GREEN HAIRY THING WITH BAD HAIR DAY FROM BRAZIL
jumps out and starts slapping himself and while slapping himself eats a
nearby convienent sloth raw, but adding some cajun seasoning for flavor.
How does he cook it you ask? FRY!!!
Then Blan- the big hairy thing stepped forward, and flexed, which
unfortunately made him pop a vital blood vessel, and he passes out, but
only temporarily, and he quickly comes back.
"I am Vigo, I sat on a temple of skulls in a fountain of blood, or
was it the other way around?" he said.
While the big hairy thing went rambling about skulls and blood and
other funny body parts that all of the ladies would just LOVE to hear about,
Dan was drilling his latest taunting move, the...umm...REALLY DEGRADING TAUNT
OF DOOM! It went something like this. First he would do standard Super
Taunting Legend, macarena while listening to the Beatles and KMFDM at the
same time, followed by yelling OYAJI!! to the tune of "Send out the clowns"
and rolling around and doing provocative things with his pelvis ala Michael
Jackson(irritating voice included) while shaving his opponents head, giving
them a manicure, attaching a sombrero to his butt, dropping a Mercedes on him,
and finally tying them up and making them watch the English Dub of BGC. By
that point, the English Mr. Dandy song really made 'em scream.
And while I was typing this, Dan actually scored a hit.
Blanka was enraged.
Dan was afraid, and otherwise so pathetic he couldn't defend himself,
so he quickly raced to America and picked up Blanka's mom, put her in front
of him, and hoped for the best.
"Mother!" Blanka yelled.
"Oh I gave you that on your birthday!" she said. "BUT...!"
"But what, mother?" Blanka asked.
"WHAT...is your favorite color?" she asked.
"What's a color?" Blanka asked.
"YOU STUPID CUB FOODS MEAT CUTTER!! EVERYONE HAS A FAVORITE COLOR!"
she screamed at ye big hairy thing.
Blanka didn't like his mommy anymore.
So Blanka got pissed and tore off his mothers head, drinking the
blood, quickly contracted hepatitis and gonorrhea and died while rotting in
hell.
Suddenly, Tarzan appeared in front of Dan, rather beastly like.
"Tarzan not like Dan!" he said, while Dan started to dance, er taunt
So Tarzan clobbers him with an elephant foot, and Jane sets his body
on fire. After they left, Dan once again comes back to life, and yells...
YAYUUUUUSH!!
Dan stopped the dancing, er taunting and looked around.
Itchy, being rather sick of seeing Dan dance, er taunt, er just being
in his general area pulled out a bazooka and blew him to kingdomcom.
"Good shot, Itchy" ShinDan remarked.
Itchy, being rather annoyed that he had not wiped the seed of the Dan
family off the world completely, promptly murdered the triple-inbred cousin
of Dan. He then poured mustard and flesh-eating ants on Scratchy and set him
on fire while hooking an IV with a steady stream of mercury flowing into his
bloodstream.
And somewhere, in a galaxy far far away...
Something much more interesting was probably happening.
EOF4
Exploitation #5
Dan goes to Hollywood
Now everyone knows that a popular character has a movie about going
to Hollywood to get famous, like Spot goes to Hollywood, Pink Panther, etc.
But today, kiddies, we're going to send Dan & Co. to Hollywood for torturous
adventures of pain and humiliation! Isn't that exciting?
Dan and ShinDan wandered the streets of Hollywood, taking in the
sights and sounds, most of which were hobos and people making out on the
sidewalk and in the middle of the street, who were promptly murdered by nuns
gone ballistic with their new 30th anniversary Camaros. But anyway, the
real problem was having to do with their clothes. Dan was OK, with his
normal Shotokan karate super pallete-swap version bought from SFA Sports,
but ShinDan just had a thing for the perverse. His palette-swapped shotokan
karate uniform(TM) was decorated with very revealing anime art from La Blue
Girl, with SUPERHENTAI inscribed in katakana on the back. Many people
strayed from him, but the occasional man would come by that had just recently
jumped out of a window from a nearby flaming building and compliment it.
"Well, Dan, where can we get a job?" ShinDan asked, sticking a
toilet plunger on his head.
"We could go to...WAAAAHHH!" Dan said, as though he was in surprise
or alarm.
"It comes from the back of the throat like AHHHH..huh?" ShinDan
asked, sitting on his laptop and crushing it.
"That old lady is being raped by a rabid gang of nuns! WE MUST UPHOLD
JUSTICE AND PEACE FOR COMMUNISTS, SUCH IS THE AMERICAN WAY!" Dan screamed,
rolling out the taunt-o-matic fist for emphasis.
"Wow, we're Communists now? Neat. Where's the bread line?" ShinDan
said, while calling his proctologist.
"I'll save you OYAJIIIII!!"
"You moron that's not your Dad!"
"IIII...oh. OKAJIIIIIII!!!"
"Oh, bloody hell."
"YAHHHH!!!!"
"Hey, how do women rape themselves anyway?"
"It doesn't matter! I NEED TO TAUNT!!!" Dan screamed.
While Dan leaped into the fray literally and started taunting and
doing his little pointless act, the old lady was beating up the nuns rather
quickly and obviously didn't need Dan's help. While all of this was happen-
ing, a baby in China was hit by a Mack Truck and Dan fell on his face due
to heat stroke in the middle of the winter. Mysteries abound, as we find out
that Dan is god of SFA2.
So Dan and ShinDan's corpse go to AKUMA-CHAN Studios, owned by some
guy named Akuma.
"Grunt." Akuma grunted.
"SENSEI!! I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!!" ShinDan said.
"Grunt." Akuma grunted.
"But I must challenge you one last time!" Shindan pleaded.
"Grunt." Akuma grunted.
"THIS IS FOR YOU, OYAJIIII!" ShinDan screamed, rolling up his Taunt
Fist 2000 and cried.
"Grunt, this grunt, sucks grunt." Akuma said, launching the super
version of his super duper mega ultra super ultimate wipeout colossal humongo
rumble death machine murder death kill BEEP you are fined one credit attack.
So ShinDan dies, and Dan is stunned. Also afraid.
"Dan, come with grunt me! I am grunt your grunt father!!" Akuma
grunted, reaching with his hand.
"YOUR NOT MY FATHER!! " Dan said.
"Okay grunt here's the grunt adoption papers..." Akuma grunted.
"Hmmm..." Dan said.
While he signed them, Akuma grunted a few times then did his funky
mega hokey super hoochie fiend death drop that looks stupid attack.
Dan dies.
See what happens when you go to Hollywood with a guy named Dan?
Don't say I didn't warn you.
If you do I'll hunt you down.
Buh-bye!
EOF5
Exploitation #6
Dan goes to MegaTokyo
Dan was in trouble. Not only was his palette-swapped shotokan uni-
form soiled very badly and was contaminating the nearby area, but he was also
being the target of the BU-12C AntiDan Boomer running down the street after
him. Being an AntiDan model, it was trained in taunt recognition, and after
Dan had been found beating up a mannequin screaming OYAJIIII, the AntiDan
Boomer immediately kicked in, killing and massacring all in its way, just so
it could taunt, then Oh-so-brutally nuke Dan. Immunity to taunts was also
a dandy feature, as Dan's super earthquake shaker fist of tauntation could
not affect the robot. It was also leaking plutonium out of it's left eye.
"Feel the DanDanFreeah Monkey Kick!" Dan yelled, doing the move
along with the macarena in mid-air.
Too bad for Dan, it didn't do anything, except get him closer to his
opponent's Planet Squid Brand Destroyer Cannon. Just when all seemed lost
for our ... um... title character...hmmm...anyway, when his head was about to
be reduced to ashes, a railgun shot nailed (literally) the Boomer through the
head.
"Nice shot, Priss, but you were supposed to hit Dan." Sylia said.
"But he's human!" Priss protested.
"I think he's sexy!" Linna said, who then instantly was on the
receiving end of several Sodom-like beatings.
"Actually, we could use him, Sylia..." Nene said, while playing
QUAKE in her hardsuit computer.
"How?" Sylia said, in her boppy and blondish voice.
"We could use him to take the brunt of the boomer attacks and making
them insanely mad with his hideous taunting legend, and we could finish them
all off without a scratch!" Nene said.
Dan was suddenly on a train, and he didn't remember why. ShinDan was
beside him.
"They saved your life, my inbred cousin. You must show honor and
repay the debt." ShinDan said.
"Great idea. I guess the best thing I could do is remove a major
character from the series out of the plot, like that Largo guy. I really
didn't like the RED EYES episode." Dan said.
Out of nowhere, Dan was assaulted by all the BGC otaku ever known,
and even Masami Obari and Kenichi Sonoda joined in beating him with old and
cruddy mangas and mecha design stacks, reducing him to jello almost instantly
and implying that Dan is a must-choose in SFA2.
ShinDan had been wise and stepped out of the way, but, nonetheless,
suffered a heart attack and had to have prostrate surgery and a triple-bypass
surgery for absolutely no reason, because it was just heartburn. Don't you
love doctors today?
"My name is Largo! I am the leader of the new chihuahua boomer
squads, and creator of the new world! Now give it to me, Quimby!" Largo
said in an unusually high voice.
"THATS QUINCY YOU BAKA!!"
"Quimby, Quincy, Quaid, Queer, what's the difference? Anyway give
me the OMS or I'll send in the chihuahua squads!" Largo threatened.
Quincy turns to the writer.
"What the hell is a chihuahua boomer squad?" he asked rather annoyed
"If you do not kneel to my demands, I shall....I shall....CHANGE INTO
MY DUBBED VOICE ACTOR!!!" Largo threatened.
"OKAY OKAY!! You win, here's the ..." Quincy said, but couldn't
finish because his android double ran out of battery power and died. Then
Dan burst through the door.
"YATTAZE OYAJIII!! YOSHA! YOSHA YOSHA! RA- Who the hell are you?"
Dan asked calmly as his fist shook in overdrive mode.
"I am Largo. Who are you that can shake a fist so violently without
any effort? If your name is with three certain letters, you must die." Largo
said.
"It's Dan, taunter extraordinaire, and now feel the -AAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!"
Dan managed to get out as Largo murdered him with a thought.
"It didn't work on Priss but anything will work on him."
Then ShinDan burst in, but backwards, and fell through a hole where
Dan had once been standing.
"Even better. I didn't have to do a thing." Largo laughed.
"Thought you could get rid of me, did you!!" ShinDan said, grinning
evilly, and shaving his legs.
He pulled out the megaphone, and took a deep breath...
YYYYYOOOOOSSSSSHHHHHAAAAA!!!!!
Largo had already sent the command to the beam satellite to fry Shin-
Dan, but the megaphone made him miscalculate the trajectory, and Largo ended
up frying himself.
"Sylia...Sylia Stingray..." Largo said amongst the fire.
"How do you know my name?" Sylia said over the Genom PA.
"Oh, come on, Sylia. The name of the leader of the Knight Sabers is
common knowledge today." Largo said, while his pants fell off.
ShinDan left, since he didn't understand Japanese and wasn't
particularly interesting in finding out what would happen. Besides, he didn't
like the episode anyway.
Suddenly, ShinDan died from a knuckle bomber.
BGC Otaku forever!!
EOF6
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