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We rejoin our friends outside the doors to their replacement theatre. They're 
giving their guest, Ranma, a quick rundown of their predicament.

Crow: And so, these guys down in the underground hide-out have us trapped up 
here and are making us watch horrid fanfics and movies.

Tom: We've been doing this for about six years now, and we're really getting 
tired of it, but we've got to take it until he lets us down, which will probably 
be never.

Ranma: So, all you do is watch the fics and movies and make fun of them.

Tom: (game show host) Ding, ding! What do we have for him, Johnny?

Crow: (Johnny) Well, he gets to watch with us and help us make fun of the fics!

Tom: Just pray that Bane somehow gets written into this fic and he smites 
James's ass.

Ranma: Who's Bane?

Crow: A completely different line of self-inserts.

Mike: Oh, and by the way, what you were thinking of earlier was "botulism". 
We're talking about "botany", the study of plants.

Ranma: Oh, that's why you've got the vines and what-not around.

Mike: Well, it wasn't exactly on purpose.

Crow: But that's not the point. You're here to help us get rid of the plant. It 
threatens to envelop us now, and we're in deep poopie. We'll have to handle it 
later.

(Lights and sirens go off, creating a loud noise)

All except Ranma: We've got movie sign!

Door 6: It's a cardboard box, it opens and lets you through.

Door 5:It's another cardboard box, it does the same.

Door 4: It's another cardboard box. Its side falls and misses your feet by 
inches.

Door3: It's another cardboard box, it opens for you. You burn it on the way 
through.

Door2: It's another cardboard box. You are made to rip through the side because 
it doesn't open for you.

Door1: It's a cardboard box with a vault door drawn on it in crayon. It swings 
open easily.

Tom: Man, couldn't Forrester have at least put a halfway decent door sequence in 
this theatre? I would have braved the plants for a better door sequence.

Mike: Just watch the fic.

>Part three: The Hidden Society

Tom: The Illuminati makes its debut in Sailor Moon!

>"Welcome to the Second Moon Kingdom,"

Ranma: REAL original name, man.

>Our guide said as we entered the main cavern of the underground city. 
>The place had a breathtaking skyline. It was completely smog-free. No 
>skyscrapers to mar the beauty of the night sky,

Crow: Wouldn't they be cieling-scrapers? They're underground, so it's scraping 
the cieling above them.

>had there been any night sky. It was a small cty, but full of people. 
>"What do you think of it?

Tom: (giving OK with fingers) It stinks!

>"Do you have somewhere where we can drop this off?" I asked, indicating 
>Rini.

Mike: (Guide) Yes, but we'll charge you a handling fee and you'll have to retain 
your ticket.

>"Sure!" he said, taking out a previously concealed radio. He called for 
>someone to come and entertain Rini while Serena and I dealt with some 
>business. They arrived within two minutes.

Crow: Child Relief Service. Be there in two minutes or less or your money back.

>Rini parted with us and we went with our guide.
>"Hey, guy! We never caught your name," I exclaimed.

Ranma: That's because he didn't throw it.

>"That's because he never threw it!" Serena said.

Ranma: D'oh!
Mike: This guy's getting so predictable.

>"Not now, Serena. Now what is your name?"

Tom: Slartibartfast.

>"I am known as Lar. I am the chief communicator monitor for the 
>Second Kingdom,

Crow: So, are these guys televisions or something?

>just as my family has been for a thousand years on end. My Grandfather 
>in the tenth generation back was here when the Negaverse ended the 
>Silver Millenium."
>"Where are we going anyway?" Serena asked.
>"To see the king," Lar answered. "He must know that the awaited day has 
>finally arrived.

Tom: Metallica is finally having a concert here.

>The princess has finally returned."
>They walkedto to a small building in the center of the city and into a 
>small building that was labeled,

Ranma: ...Porti-john.

>"The King's Castle and Federal Prison."
>"Why combine the castle and prison into one building?" James asked.

Mike: Because the king is Bill Clinton?
Ranma: Hey, everyone! I think that James stopped telling the story! It went into 
third person there!
Tom: Nah, he does that sometimes.

>"Because we don't need much room for the prison. As I said, we don't 
>have many criminals."
>They entered a room where a throne was sitting.

Crow: (Throne) Just let me get up here. Just give me a minute.

>In the throne, there wasa large man wearing an old, worn cloak. His hair 
>was white and his beard was gray.

Crow: Paul Bunyan has gone senile.

>"Yes, Lar? What is it now?" the man asked.
>"King Jolion, Ifound these people wandering around outside."
>"So? Throw them into the prison for violating my orders!"

Mike: (James) You can't do this! It's my story!

>"Well, sir. These ones are different. Do you recognize the girl?" Jolion 
>shook his head.

Tom: ...Disturbing the cobwebs inside.

>"She's Sailor Moon! Princess Serenity incarnate! She'sfinally come bak 
>to us! She'll liberate us!"
>"Whoah!" I said.

Mike: He's turned into a cowboy.
Crow: (cowboy) Whoah, boy!

>"Liberate you from what?"
>"We have been in trouble these last thousand years from the Negaverse. 
>They're still a threat."

Ranma: About as much of one as dust.
Crow: (Valley Girl) As if.

>"Guys, I hate to tell you this," Serena said, "But the war with the 
>Negaverse ended about a thousand years ago. Aout a year ago, they 
>finally came out of hiding. There's been no threat. You guys don't get 
>out much, do you?"
>"My gosh! We've been hiding out here for one thousand years in fear of 
>the Negaverse, yet there's been no threat?

Crow: Please tell me that polyhester is still in style.

>"No. You don't even need to hide out here any more, now that Sailor 
>Moon's back! Well, will be back after we kill the Negascum that's here 
>now.
>"Okay, so you need help.

Ranma: If you don't get it at charter, please get it somewhere.

>How can we help?

Mike: Kill the writer. He's there, after all.

>Our technology was destroyed a thousand years ago in the battle.

Mike: Their most advanced piece of equipment is an Atari.

>"We don't need help. We just need our friends, wherever they are."
>"You mean the others that were found up on the surface?"
>"Yeah! they're here?"

Ranma: He lost track of who's...
Crow: Don't start.

>"Well, yes, but you'll probably punish me when you see what I've done to 
>them.

Tom: (James) It is my story, so...
Mike: I'm just hoping that it's James who was talking.

>They kept saying that they were the Sailor Scouts,but they couldn't 
>provide proof. We couldn't be sure that they were telling the truth, so we 
>kinda' sorta' locked them away."

Crow: Sure, they'll immediately let in someone with a vibrator who says that 
they're Sailor Moon, but they need ten forms of I.D. for the other Senshi.

>"No hard feelings. Sometimes, I think that Raye deserved it," James said.

Mike: This guy has a vendetta against Raye, or something.

>"So," Lar asked as the group walked to the prison section of the palace,

Ranma: ...where the real king was being kept.

>"What relation do you two have? Lovers? Close friends?"
>"One," I said, irked at the question, "I think that that's sort of a personal 
>question. Two,

Ranma: (James) ...She's crazy about me.

>we're just friends. Your records don't say anything about Prince 
>Darien?"

Ranma: Who?
Tom: Serena's lover from a past life and the present one. It's a really long and 
tedious story. I would tell you, but we might miss some riffs.
Crow: Fanboy!
Mike: Hush down, you three! We already missed some good riffing opportunities!

>"Just that he was one of the largest

Tom: (Darien) I'm huge!

>traitors of the War against the Negaverse," Jolion replied non-chalantly.

Crow: *INTENSE* *ADVERB* *ACTION*!!!

>That got my temper up. I hated it when people called Darien a traitor.

Ranma: So, it happens often?

>"What do you mean, 'largest traitor'?!

Mike: (James) Do you mean to say that the rest were representatives of the 
Lollipop Guild?

>He was one of the kingdom's largest assets during the war! He was 
>Princess Serenity's husband-to-be! He tried to protect her during the 
>final attack to the death!"

Crow: And failed miserably!
Tom: There you go, Ranma. A quick summary of Darien's character. Not as good as 
it could have been, but what fanfic is it in?

>"And he betrayed us to the Negaverse!"

Ranma: (Jolion) And he owes us five bucks!

>"He was one of the most loyal men that there could ever be!" I went on 
>to explain to them the whole plot line about Darien and Serena during that 
>time. How he had protected her no matter what the price. Two times, it 
>had almost cost him his life!

Mike: Instead of dying, he had to sell his soul and other various parts of his 
personality.

>As I reached the end of my story, I caught Serena wiping a tear from her 
>eyes from the painful memories.

Tom: So, she fell while he was wiping a tear from her eyes? Or perhaps he caught 
her wiping a tear from her eyes, like "You put that tear back, young lady! If 
your father hears about this, he'll take you over his knee so fast.
Crow: I'd like to take any one of the Senshi over my knee...
Mike: Crow...

>I put my arm around her shoulder

Crow: ...and my hand on her...
Mike: Crow! You want to lose your computer privileges for the next couple of 
weeks?

>to comfort her. Not something I should be doing after telling the story of 
>her and Darien, I realized, but I knew how she felt, after watching the 
>show as much as I had.
>We got to the prison cells and found the Scouts all in separate ones.

Tom: With lonely prisoners.
Mike: Their fire-building skills had gotten a bit out of control.
Ranma: They weren't prepared with water buckets.

>"James!" Lita exclaimed. "Help get us out of here!"
>"It's already been taken care of," I said. One by one, the Scouts were all 
>let out.

Crow: Their wild-animal traps had sprung at the wrong time.

>When they got to Raye, I saw the perfect opportunity to cheer Serena up. 
>"I don't know about leting her out. What do you think about it, Serena?"

Ranma: The governor didn't call with her pardon.

>"Hey, Raye! Should we tell Chad to expect you home late? Wait,"

Tom: (James) I forgot. Chad doesn't care!

>I said over the insults flung by Raye, "Where are the cats who came with 
>them?"

Crow: (Jolion) Well, I've been meaning to talk to you about that, you see, our 
guards have to eat, and so...
Ranma: CATS? I HATE CATS!!!
Mike: Calm down, Ranma. We've only had one case of the Cat's Fist on the 
Satellite, and I intend to keep it that way.

>"In those boxes over there," Lar said, pointing to two boxes sitting in the 
>corner. I went over to the boxes and let the two cats out. Luna was 
>gasping for breath when she came out.

Crow: Mike, how does one become breathless when alone in an enclosed box?
Mike: Don't go there, Crow.

>"I hate those boxes! I've been afraid of them ever since that love cruise!" 
>she raged.

Ranma: She didn't use an adverb?
Tom: Good job. I didn't like learning the Cat's fist, and I doubt that you'll 
like using it.

>"Hey, what's wrong with Raye? Why isn't she out?"
>Raye yelled something about me, Serena and a pit of spikes.

Crow: Oooh, kinky!
Mike: Crow, I'm running out of patience.

>That told Luna everything that she needed to know (Don't ask me how)

All: HOW?!

>She insisted that we let Raye out.
>"But we're having fun!" Serena complained.

Tom: (Serena) Let us torture her some more! I haven't even snicker snagged on 
her yet!

>Luna wouldn't listen. The guard ended up letting her out. "Some
>spiritual advisor you are," Serena said, folding her arms across her chest.
>"Now, to business,"

All: (Raising some glasses from under their seats in a cheer) To business!

>Luna continued. "I want to knowwhat this place is."
>"It's the Second Moon Kingdom," Lar answered.
>"Okay, that's potentially useless," Luna said.

Crow: Thank you, Miss Negativity.

>"The inhabitants are the descendants of the Lunarians, or those who 
>inhabited the Moon during the Silver Millenium."

Mike: This sounds like the plot to Final Fantasy 2(American version).

>"Ah, butthat's where you're wrong. Everyone during the Silver 
>Millenium was killed."
>"No, we escaped the blades of our enemies by running into the mines of 
>the planet.

Tom: (Dr. Strangelove) With a ratio of ten women to one man, we quickly 
repopulated.

>Our colony was the only one of three to survive. We then built mine 
>tunnels all over the planet.

Mike: (boring professor) We went down, down, down, down...

>Enough about us. What about you? I'm surprised at the likeness between 
>you all and the descriptions from our records. I'm just confused about
>who you are though," Jolion said, indicating me.

Ranma: (James) I'm the writer.

>"I'm just one of their friends from another dimension. Nothing special."
>"Now, about our problem," Luna continued. "The Negaverse has 
>captured our power source and we can't do much without it.

Mike: Except be extremely annoying.

>"Oh, nonsense!

Ranma: ...you idiots!

>We know where this power source is, and it has always been guarded, in 
>hopes that you all would return! The Negaverse couldn't have captured 
>it! Now, you all look tired! Come and rest!

Crow: (evilly) Eternally! Bwahahahahaha!
Mike: Man, he turned exuberant all of a sudden. Who pressed his button?

>Eat, drink, and be merry and all that moondust!"

Tom: What, are we Tripping Billies?

>
>Later, we were treated as really important people. Jolion called a city-
>wide feast to announce the arrival of their saviors. We were

Crow: Lynched by a mob of angry women's rights activists against the Senshi's 
outfits.

>treated not like celebrities, but like gods!

Mike: That's it! The Self-worshipping has reached an all-time low!
Crow: It's not like we haven't seen this before. What about in "the Sailor 
Scouts meet Chris"?

>I was tempted at one point to have someone beat to death, but I was able 
>to restrain the temptation.

Tom: Why hold back? It's *your* story.

>In the middele of the meal, Jolion stood up and got everyone's attention.
>"Lunarians, rejoice! Our savior is at hand!

Ranma: Even though there was no real danger!

>We have waited for a millenium, and our waiting has finally paid off!"

Crow: We finally won the Publisher's Clearing House! 

>He waited for the murmers to die down. "Our real leader, Princess 
>Serenity, has finally arrived, and I am ready to step down for her to take 
>her rightful place on the throne! She will lead us to a better life,

Mike: One which we could have achieved by ourselves!

>As told in the legends Is there anyone who will object to this?"

All: YEAH! RIGHT HERE!

>One hand rose.

Tom: Newt Gingrich.

>"Don't you get it?" the voice that went with the hand asked. "There's 
>only one way that we can be saved in this world, and that's through 
>putting our faith in the one true leader!"
>"Man, there's a Christian in every crowd!" I said quietly to Lita. 
>"Somebody shut him up!"

All: OH, BOO!
Tom: He makes it sound so nasty to have a religion.
Crow: He's giving atheists a bad name.

>I hate people who get in the way of progress!"
>"What do you have against Christians?" Lita asked. 
>"Oh, no!

Ranma: Mister Bill, NO!!!

>Don't get me wrong. I'm a Christian myself,

Mike: (Mister Rogers) Can you say hypocrite, kids?
Everyone else: Hypocrite, kids.

>it's just that I have prety much everything against

Tom: ...People who aren't me.

>fanatics like that.

Mike: (James) Even though I'm like that about myself.
Tom: No, forget Bane. Let's see Sailor Soulstone show up to smite his ass.

>"This is boring," Lita said, "Although the food is good." Apparently, 
>Serena agreed, because she was on her third plate of food, and still eating.

Tom: And unable to tell when the poison kicked in.

>"There is just one problem," Jolion continued. "The Negaverse is here on 
>the Moon, and they have apparently captured the source of the Sailor 
>Scouts' power. They must find out how to defeat this evil. I am putting 
>any and all resources at the disposal of the Scouts, so you must all 
>cooperate."

Ranma: Man, ALL the resources? No more building tents for these tenderfoots.

>I hoped that Rini wasn't in the crowd.

Tom: Yeah, that would ruin the whole plot contrivance sequence, then this story 
would collapse in on itself.
All: (start chanting) Rini! Rini! Rini!

>He ended his speech with thanking the cooks and assigning the people 
>from different tables to do different chores to help clean up after the 
>meal.

Crow: (James) WHAT?! I got inquisition duty?! Do they mock me?

>Not to my surprise, we weren't on any ofthe lists.
>We left the dining hall and went to our rooms.

Crow: ALL RIGHT!! The lemon scene has finally arrived!
Ranma: "Lemon scene?"
Mike: You don't want to know. Besides that; this guy claims to be a Christian, 
so if his writing reflects it, there won't be one. Keep your eyes peeled, boys. 
We can pop this conspiracy wide open.

>We were put in rooms by pairs. I was with Lita, Amy was with Raye, 
>and Serena was with Mina.

Crow: All right! Potential *lesbian* lemon scenes!
Mike: Crow, you've almost gone too far. One more thing out of you, and I'll hold 
you in contempt of the court.
Crow: (Jim Carrey) I hold myself in contempt!

>About an hour before lights out, a knock came on the door.

Tom: Burglar, Madam.
Crow: You're going to sell me encyclopedias if I let you in.
Tom: No, I just want to come in and ransack the place, maybe steal some 
valuables.

>It was Amy and Raye and a group of children.

Tom: (Amy) They said that they were supposed to be delivered to Michael 
Jackson's mansion.

>"Yes? Have you been helped?" I asked.

All: AAARGH!
Mike: Can we sue for copyright infringement?

>"James, these kids want to know some of the things that we do on Earth 
>for entertainment," Raye said.

Ranma: (Raye) Do you know where we could find a place with good latex...
Mike: Et tu, Ranma?

>"We figured that since you

Tom: (Raye) ...Are the writer...

>were the only one of to actually have brought something to do, you 
>wouldn't mind showing them some of it."

Crow: (James) Only if I can have some of them as my personal slaves.

>"And maybe afterwards, we could play some ourselves," Amy suggested.

Crow: Play what? Some *games*?
Tom: (Laughs like Beavis)

>I went over to my bag and fished out some of my Magic decks.

Tom: What sort of bait do you use to make decks of cards bite?
Mike: Yes, and there's that plug for James's favorite card game.
Crow: Does that mean that we'll have to stop playing it?
Mike: I'm sorry, Crow, but yes.

>I had to teach Raye and Amy how to play, but it didn't take long (they're 
>so smart).

Ranma: (James) Not as smart as me, but smart nonetheless.

>The kids left, and Lita tried a game. I gave her the benefit of the doubt 
>and let her play with my best deck. I still won.

Crow: They must have been playing strip Magic.
Mike: That's it! No RAM chips for you, even if you do something good!
Crow: (Groans) Are you going to take something from me in every part of this 
story?

>I went to sleep wondering why the Scouts had needed me for this mission.

Ranma: (James) Then, I told myself to stop worrying because it was my story.
Mike: Those are getting a *bit* old now. Let's try to get away from them.
Crow: But, Mike! He has committed a crime most foul in the fanfic community! He 
has self-inserted!
Mike: Yeah, but the tally on that joke in this story alone is getting up in the 
twenties. It's dead and gone!
Ranma: Let's get out of here.

(Reverse door sequence)

Outside, it is dark. There is a shadow moving around in the back ground. The 
shadow moves to the front, it is the plant's central core. It moves off-screen 
and falls asleep. Mike is coming out to settle down for a nice, relaxing nap 
between parts. He is holding a stuffed tabby cat. He goes into his closet and 
strips down for the deep-sleep sequence. He puts the cat into the deep-sleep 
chamber. As he looks around, he notices the plant over near the space hatch. 
Mike carefully slips into a tight-fitting space-suit and grabs a harpoon gun. He 
quietly slips out of the closet and makes his way to the control panel for the 
bridge. He quickly pushes the hatch blow switch. The hatch pops off the ship, 
exposing the ship to pure vacuum. The plant grabs onto the side of the doorway 
instead of being dragged out into space.

Mike takes aim with his harpoon gun.

Mike: See you in Hell, Jolly Green Giant!

Mike shoots the harpoon gun, driving the core out into space. Mike quickly 
closes the hatch and re-pressurizes the bridge.

Mike: Cambot, give me rocket number nine.

The view shows the plant drifting off into space, then changing the direction 
that it was going in. It steers itself into the forward thrusters of the SoL and 
starts trying to put down root.

Mike: Cambot, fire all engines on my mark. And... engage.

The thrusters fire off, burning the plant to bits. The threat is gone, and the 
vines that are covering the bridge start to wither immediately, as if they know 
that their leader has died. In the distance, a trumpet can be heard, playing 
taps. Mike lays down with his cat in the deep-sleep chamber and goes to sleep 
just as the commercial sign light starts flashing.

Crow, Tom, and Ranma walk on stage.

Tom: Did something important happen while we were gone?

Crow: Check it out, the plant's dying

Ranma: Look, guys! A flashing light! Should I push it?

Tom: No! If you do, our viewers will be pelted by endless commercials for 
psychics, ICS Technical Institute, and other various things that they wouldn't 
get caught dead using!

Ranma: But, it's a flashing light! You push it to stop it from flashing, right? 
Well, then. Isn't the logical thing to just push it and get it over with?

Crow: He brings up a good point.

(Crow pushes the button, rolling endless commercials about useless products.)

End part three

please proceed to part four. If, for some reason, you're reading the series 
backwards, you would now go to part two.