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The Pizza-Files

A MSTing by: M. H. Torringjan

Original story by: Koopa

	This MSTing, for a lack of a better (or should I be using that word?) fic, 
is another SPC fic.  Let's get on with it, though.  As usual, no insult is meant 
towards the original author, or to the story in general.  I'm just having some 
fun.  Anyway...

(Roll season six opening)

Satellite of Love

	The whole stage is dark, suddenly, a spotlight comes on, and Mike and Tom 
rush onto the stage wearing Sailor Senshi outfits.  Mike is Sailor Moon and Tom 
is Sailor Mercury.  Tom is wearing a blue visor across his dome and holds a 
small computer in his hands, as if he could use it.
	"Sailor Mercury, where did the youma go?" Sailor Mike asks.
	"The hell should I know?" Sailor Tom says in response.  "My computer 
doesn't work and this visor's fake!"
	"CUT!" Crow yells from offstage.  The lights come up, revealing that the 
stage behind them is covered with a backdrop with the Sailor Moon logo on it and 
the words "SAILOR MOON WORLD TOUR" painted on it crudely.  "What in the Sam Hill 
did you just say, Tom?  That's not in the script!"
	"Yeah?  Well, I just went along with this because Meatball head here told 
me to, or I would be spending a week without any TV," Tom said, shaking the blue 
wig off his head.  From off to the left, Ranma comes on screen wearing a 
ridiculous outfit that looks like Jadeite's uniform.
	"Did I miss my cue?" Ranma asked.
	"No," Crow said.  "Mister Primadonna here just stopped the whole thing."
	"Well, can't we at least get Ranma here to play Sailor Mercury?  Just 
splash him with some cold water, and we've got any random senshi.
	"Hey!  I resent that!" Ranma yelled.  "I don't have to take this!"  And 
with that, he stormed off to his room to await the Mads calling and to get out 
of his outfit.
	"Crow, I just really don't think that the world's ready for your rendition 
of Sailor Moon yet.  And frankly, I think that this script is about as thought-
provoking as your other play, 'Earth Versus Soup.'  Just stick with watching the 
La Blue Girl tapes."  The commercial sign light starts flashing.  "We'll be 
right back.

	When we return, Crow is dressed up in an outfit that resembles a 
combination of all the Senshis' outfits.  Mike and Servo still haven't taken off 
their costumes.
	"I'll show you!  I'll show you all!" Crow rants as he starts reading his 
own script.
	"Crow," Mike begins, "I just don't think that doing a one-man show of a 
script that has maybe ten characters is really a good idea."  Ranma comes out of 
his room, wearing one of his many training outfits.  "So, Ranma, you calmed down 
now?"
	"Yeah, all I had to do was take a punching bag, put half of a vegetable 
steamer on top of it, and I had one Crow punching bag.  That helped me get rid 
of my stress," Ranma replies with a smile.  The red Mad's light starts flashing.
	"Watch it, guys, the Blues Brothers are calling," Mike says as he pushes 
the flashing button.

Deep 13

	Forrester begins the transmission with his back turned on the screen.  
"Well, lab rats, it's time for the invention exchange for-"  Forrester turns 
around at this point and notices the guys in Sailor suits.  He breaks out in 
hysterical fits of laughter.  "Frank!  Frank, come here!  You've gotta see 
this!" Forrester called between gasps for air.
	Frank walks in, carrying in what appears to be a small piece of lamb chop 
hooked up to a car battery with lights on it.  He takes one look at the screen 
and breaks out in laughter.  While he is laughing, he drops the plate that 
contains their invention for that week.

	"Don't laugh!" Crow yells at them.  "It was just me trying to get my big 
break into showbiz.  I'll be the one laughing when you guys are begging me for 
cash!"

	When we move back to Deep 13, Forrester seems very cool and calm.  
"Sorry," he says, "I almost lost my professionalism.  Frank, where's our  
invent-" he looks at the assistant, who is rolling around on the ground with the 
shattered plate lying next to him and the invention crushed.  "Uuummm, I think 
that we'll let you go first this week," Forrester says up to the Satellite.

	"Well, our invention this week is an experimental item, a time machine,' 
Mike says.  "I was just putting the finishing touches on it during the 
commercials."  Mike notices a bottle of glue sitting next to him on the desk and 
takes it out of view.  He returns from under the desk with a small, metal ball 
with wires of different colors sticking out from the sides.

	"Demo time, Mister Nelson," Forrester says.

	"Okay, keep your fingers crossed that we don't die," Mike says, flipping 
the switch marked "on".  The ball emits a small humming noise, then starts to 
vibrate violently.  There are sparks flying, and a small explosion inside of it 
causes Mike, Ranma, and the bots to panic.
	"Ohmigod!  It's malfunctioning!" Tom yells out.  A second later, the 
Satellite is no longer in the present time.

	"Uh oh," Frank says.  "They're gone.  We'd better figure out some way to 
get them back."
	"Don't worry about that now, Frank," Forrester says.  "We've got to let 
them work this one out on their own.  Until they get back, they've got their fic 
for the day, and we've got an invention to repair."
	"But, how do we know that they're still alive?" Frank asks.
	"We don't.  We just hope so.  I don't want to be an out-of-work mad 
scientist yet."

	Meanwhile, a long time ago in a galaxy right where they were, the 
Satellite of Love comes back into real time.  Mike is the first to wake up from 
the shock.  He revives everyone else, and they only have slight cases of air-
sickness.(well, space-sickness)
	"Well, look at it this way, guys," Mike says.  "We may be a long time in 
the past, but we're free from watching cruddy fanfics."
	"Sorry, little lab rats," came a familiar voice from the PA system, "But 
you can't escape me, no matter what you do or where you go.  Just enjoy today's 
fanfic.  Also remember that it might be to your advantage to come back, because 
if I don't send you a fanfic myself, the ship's computer is programmed to show 
you nothing but the lemon scenes from Oscarfics over and over AND OVER AND OVER 
AGAIN!!"
	The lights flash and the sirens go off, giving Fanfic sign.  Everyone runs 
around until they go into the theatre.
	"Don't worry, guys!" Gypsy called from the end of the tunnel.  "I'll fix 
the time machine thingy!"
	"Does she know anything about quantum physics?" Ranma asked.
	"No, but if you hum a few bars..." Mike said.  Everyone groaned at that old 
joke.

Door 6:It's a wall of fire.  You roast hot dogs and tell ghost stories until the 
wall burns down to coals.

Door 5:It's a picture of Oscar.  You take some of the coals from the last door 
and burn the picture.  Then, you stomp on the little bits until you get blisters 
on your feet.

Door 4:It's a sheet of classical music.  You get an instrument and play the 
piece.  Once you've finished, the sheet rolls up and vanishes.

Door 3: It's a picnic table.  With a TOGG!!, you pass through it.

Door 2: It looks like a big map.  You burn it and hum the theme to Bonanza as 
you walk through.

Door 1: It's a vault door.  Its center ring swirls and it swings open easily.

	"My, but aren't we the pyros in this door sequence," Tom says as Mike puts 
him in his seat.
	"I wonder what fic this is," Crow said, sitting down in his usual chair to 
the right of Mike.
	"I don't know if we want to know," Ranma said, sitting to the left of Tom.

>The Pizza Files

Mike: By: Papa John
Tom: That must be the name for the files with zits.

>By Koopa

Ranma: Again?  We just had him last week!
Crow: And man, was it a breeze!

>This story has no real relation with the X-Files or Fox Entertainment.

Mike: Well, thank you for reassuring us.  I would hate to see a Pizza Cats/X-
Files cross over.

>Narrator: Tiss a beautiful day in Little Tokyo.

Crow: And right out of the gate, he's got a spelling error!  What is this 
*Tiss*?

>The birds are chirping, the frogs are crocking,

Tom: Oh, yeah.  I know how those frogs love cooking with a crock pot.
Mike: Leave Slippy out of this!

>and the rats are coming up with really mean plots.

Ranma: Oh, this must be the elementary school version.  "Really mean" is high 
level reading, if you ask me.
Tom: Perhaps some better word choice, such as "sinister" or "diabolical".
Crow: Or "buttfu...
Mike: CROW!

>Big Cheese: I resent that!

Tom: (Big Cheese) It's completely true, but that's beside the point.

>Narrator: Oh, sorry...

Ranma: (Narrator)I meant to say the ROUS's.
Mike: Obscure enough reference?
Ranma: Keeps the readers on their toes.

>Things are not all that well for the Pizza Cats have had an alien >encounter.

Crow: I love that ride.

>F.B.I. Agents Mulder and Scully are sent to Little Tokyo to learn about 
>this alien encounter.

Tom: But remember, this story has nothing to do with the X-Files.
Ranma: Wait!  They're on the wrong continent if they want to find out about that 
ride!
Mike: Sure, just go ahead and ignore the fact that Mulder and Scully are HUMANS!  
They wouldn't really fit in with all those cute and cuddly little ANIMALS!

>They go to the palace were are Al and the 3 cats are.

Crow: So, the palace was Al and the three cats are.
Mike: Don't try to make sense out of it.  It's more in Koopa-ese.

>Speedy: Al, what kind of animals are they again?
>
>Al: They say that they are ducks from the American F.B.I.

Tom: Okay, five foot ducks in this world.  My dome's starting to hurt.
Crow: Well, anyone who would be caught dead in this fic must be *quackers* 
anyway!
Ranma and Mike:(Groan)

>Hopefully we can get down to the facts of what you 3 saw that last nigh.

Mike: Well, his number-word superimposition hasn't gotten as bad as Oscar's yet.
Ranma: Well, he's got the problem of using the grammar checker now.  What's a 
*nigh*?

>Guido: Oh, no!

Tom: Guido *is* Mister Bill.

>There about to come in.

Mike: Okay, we're looking there, but what's about to come in?

>Narrator: Mulder and Scully enter the room and flash their badges

Crow: What good does flashing the badges do?  The badges don't have eyes to see 
what you're showing.

>to show they are from the F.B.I.

Tom: (Mulder, taunting) We're from the F.B.I. and you're not!  Nya-nya-nya-nya!

>Mulder: Now I like to just get down to business about the abduction.

Mike: He gets right to the point, does he?  Is that a usual habit?

>Speedy: Wait... Are you two really ducks?  You don't really look like it.

Ranma: Hallelujah!  There is hope yet for this fic!

>Mulder: Trust us were are ducks, quack, quack.

Mike: Make up your mind!  Were you or are you ducks?!
Tom: Now that's a sight that I'd like to see, Mulder trying to convince someone 
that he's a duck.
Ranma: (Mulder) That must have been one groovy bong for me to be thinking I'm a 
fowl.

>What happened on the night in question.

Mike: Let's see here.  No spelling errors, no syntax errors, no grammar errors.  
He must have co-authored this one.
Ranma: Wait!  There's a punctuation error!
Mike: Damn.
Tom: No, What happened the night before that.  Who happened on the night in 
question, and When happens tomorrow.

>Speedy: Well it seems like yesterday...

Crow: I don't think that talking to the wishing well is going to help, man.
Ranma: Maybe that's because it was yesterday.

>Guido: That's because it was yesterday!

Ranma: DAMN IT!  I went one whole fic without doing that, then this freak had to 
go and ruin it!

>Speedy: Oh!
>
>Scully: Please move on Mr. Speedy.

Tom: (Speedy) All right. (Gets up to leave)
Mike: Not yet, Tom.
Crow: Who does she want to move on Mr. Speedy?
Mike: Crow, just because I'm keeping Tom here doesn't mean that I'm not watching 
you.

>Speedy: Alright.  Well yesterday night we 3 were having a picnic after a 
>day's work of beating up Big Cheese.

Crow: I already told you!  Stop talking to that well!  People will think that 
you're a loony!
Ranma: Too late.  I already do.

>Mulder: What is this Big Cheese?

Mike: It's a hunk of gorgonzola sized at about five cubic feet.

>Speedy: He's our main villain.
>
>Mulder: Right, is this Big Cheese a rat of some kind?

Ranma: He says it as if it should matter.

>Speedy: Yep.  I think he is about 3 feet tall.

Tom: And if anyone had asked you his height, it would have mattered

>Scully: Can he talk?
>
>Speedy: Sure he can.

Crow: Oh, well naturally.
Mike: Well, anything can talk after hitting the wall as many times as the Pizza 
Cats have.

>Narrator: Skull suddenly leaves the room with out a word.

Tom: And Bulk is close behind.

>Mulder: Please go on.
>
>Speedy: OK.  As we sat in the grassy meadow

Ranma: ...aiming our gun at the head of JFK...
Mike: That's grassy knoll.

>a big light shined on us from above. We looked up and aliens dropped 
>down from the sky.

Tom: (Speedy) They asked us directions to the Basingstoke roundabout.

>They attacked us.  While Guido and Polly shrivered in fear I uses my 
>sword to beat up the aliens.

Mike: Oh, yeah.  Aliens are real easy to beat when they're using lasers and 
you've got a sword made out of ordinary steel.

>After they were all in critical condition they were beamed aboard their 
>ship and it took off into space.

Ranma: Ironically, all the aliens wanted to do was give them the cure to all 
known diseases in the world.

>And that's what happened.
>
>Polly: That never happened!
>
>Giudo: What do you mean we shivered in fear?

Mike: Actually, you two "shrivered" in fear.

>Speedy: Well I you can't expect me to remember every thing to the 
>smallest detail.

Tom: Isn't selective amnesia a wonderful thing?

>Polly: What was Lucille wearing 3 months ago at 3:00 PM?

Crow: More like what wasn't she wearing, heh, heh.
Mike: Crow...

>Speedy: A nice pink and grey dress with the most beautiful hair cut.

Ranma: Did the haircut come with the dress?

>Polly:OK thats it, I'm going to tell the story right!

Tom: (British accent) One day, Ethyl the aardvark was happily hopping down the 
lane...

>As we sat in medow a bright light suddenly shined on us from above.  
>Suddenly strange aliens jumped down and we could not move.

Mike: So, does that mean that they were normal to begin with?

>They looked at Speedy with disgust.  They looked at Guido with pity.

Crow: He looked at them with a certain sort of attraction.
Ranma: Eeww...

>They then looked at me and said

Mike: Polly Esther, this is your life!

>"You are the most beautiful cat this side of the Galaxy.

Tom: (Mister Rogers) Can you say "dillusions of grandeur," kids?
Everyone else: (little kids) Diwushuns uv grander.
Tom: (Mister Rogers) Good enough.  Your mommies and daddies will explain it to 
you when you're older.

>We give you this batch of roses and this crown to show that you won our 
>contest."  After doing so they left.

Ranma: With a hearty "Hi, ho, Silver!".

>Guido: That story was a complete waste of time!

Crow: No, this story is a complete waste of time!

>That never happened.  Mulder do you want the truth?
>
>Mulder: Yes, I always want the truth.

Tom: (yelling) YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE TRUTH!
Mike: (Guido) Well, when I was two, I stole a cookie from the cookie jar.
Crow: (Guido) Well, the truth is, I once had a torrid love affair with Oscar.
Ranma: Gross, Crow!

>Guido: Good.  Now this is what really happened.  As we sat in the 
>meadow the bright light shined down.  We were suddenly beamed aboard 
>onto their ship.  Inside we were strapped to tables.  They then did wired 
>and funky experiments on us.

Mike: Oh, no!  They hooked the cats up to car batteries!
Tom: No, they made the cats smell really bad.

>One of them came over to me and said

Crow: Guido, you have sinned.  Your fate will be to spend the rest of eternity 
with Oscar.
Ranma: Enough with the Oscar jokes!

>"You Guido are the coolest of all life we have ever seen.

Tom: Well, he must be the only life that they have ever seen besides each other.

>We will send you back so your popularity may grow on your planet."

Ranma: (alien) Screw the others, you're the only one we care about.
Mike: These guys could make a couple of books of only self-insertion fics.

>We were then beamed back to the meadow and they took off.  And that's 
>what really happened.

Tom: (Guido) Oh, by the way, is it important that they put implants in our 
skulls?

>Speedy and Polly: Yea right!

All: Go, right!  Yea, Right!  Forget about left, we want right!

>Mulder: Well thank you for your time I think we got all the info we need.

Crow: (Mulder, thinking) Cuckoo! Cuckoo!

>Narrator: Mulder meets Skull out side.

Tom: Skull says that Bulk left earlier.
Mike: All right, Tom.  If they haven't gotten it by now, they aren't going to.

>Mulder: Skull you know, I sometimes wonder if the truth is really out 
>there.

Ranma: It is, but you'll never find it by talking to folks like those idiots 
inside!

>Scully: I'm sure it is.

Crow: Where did she come from?  I thought that this story was Mulder and Skull.

>Mulder: Well even if it is we will never know with people like those cats 
>that never tell the truth.  You would not believe the kind of stories they 
>presented to me.

Mike: How would you like to bet that by the end of the story, they make it look 
like the cats were paid by the government?

>Oh by the way did you get the suspected alien?

Tom: (Scully) What alien?

>Skull: Yea.

Crow: The "yea"'s have it, the motion carries.

>Swat teams are in the place now getting the alien for us to bring back to 
>America.

Ranma: I think that the Japanese government would have to be inquired about 
doing something like this, wouldn't they?

>Narrator: They then leave.  Then the swat team

Mike: ...armed to the teeth with giant fly swatters...

>leaves with the alien locked away in a cage, being taken away to have 
>experiments done on him.
>
>Big Cheese: I'm not an alien!  Let me out!

Ranma: Okay, everyone, here's the comedy relief for the story!
Tom: That's supposed to be funny?  The Big Cheese will probably be treated like 
an animal in those labs, and he might even die!
Mike: Not even a villain deserves that.  Come on, guys, let's go.

(Reverse door sequence)

	Outside, the time machine is sitting on a desk, looking good as new.  
Gypsy stands beside it with a workbelt around her tube.  It contains one hammer 
and a bottle of rubber cement.  She would probably have a smug smile on her face 
if she could move her mouth in more ways than up and down.
	"Okay, Gypsy, are we ready to blow this popsickle stand?" Mike asks as the 
others come out of the theatre.
	"The time machine's primed and ready to go," the purple, serpentine robot 
says.
	"What time are we in, anyway?" Ranma asks.
	"The machine reads that we are about an hour before the Big Bang.  Another 
good reason to get out of here," Gypsy replies.
	Mike flips the "on" switch on the time machine, and it starts a countdown 
at ten seconds.
	"Well," Crow says as he is walking to the window, "One last look at the 
beginning of time before we leave."  As he looks out, he notices a small, silver 
thing in the distance.  He looks harder, and notices that it's a small, silver, 
disk-like thing.  As a matter of fact, there's a swarm of silver, disklike 
things.  'Whoah!  UFO's!"  He calls out to the others just as the time machine 
reaches zero, "Guys!  You'll never believe what I just saw!"

	Back in the present time, the Sattelite emerges over the suface of the 
Earth.  On the bridge, the time machine has been demolished.  Ranma wakes up, 
then wakes the others up.  They get a good look at each other, then start to 
luagh.  Mike has Tom's head, Crow's arms, and Ranma's legs on his own body.  The 
others are similarly messed up, but they fix it quickly with an earlier 
invention, the Pocket Plastic Surgeon.
	Crow tells the others what he saw, and they react something like this:
	"You've got to be kidding me!"
	"I don't believe you."
	and
	"When do we eat?"
	Crow dejectedly goes into his room for the rest of the night.  On his way, 
he presses the red Mad's light, which is flashing.

Deep 13

	Forrester has a relieved look on his face.  Frank seems to be in intense 
pain.  Frank has been hooked up to the car battery with lights on his head.  The 
piece of pork-chop is laying on the table beside Frank, wearing a lab coat like 
Frank's.
	"Well, everyone, I've had to do something nasty to Frank for ruining our 
invention for this week.  I've switched his brain with the porkchop's brain, and 
hooked Frank up to be the main part of the invention.  But I'll save that for 
when I actually show you the use.  Push the button, pork-chop."  The piece of 
pork chop makes small jumps over to the control board and finally jumps on the 
button.

*Beep*
*Fwoosh*

MST3K created by:
Joel Hodgson

Original story by:
Koopa

MSTing by:
M. H. Torringjan

E-mail me at:
jehdjh@worldnet.att.net

Keep those fanfics circulating!

>Mulder: Trust were are ducks, quack, quack.