Dead or Alive A MSTing by : M. H. Torringjan Original story still by: Valerie Howson I don't mean any insult to the author by doing this MSTing. As a matter of fact, she asked me to do it. Gargoyles is the property of Disney. MST3K is produced by Best Brains Inc. Any other products that I may refer to during the course of this MSTing is the property of whoever owns, created, or makes them. Well, back into the fringe Roll Season X credits Reverse door sequence We open to the bridge, where Mike is looking at a picture of his family. Tom comes on-screen and looks at Mike. "Um, Mike, are you all right?" Tom asks. "Yeah, I guess that I'm just a bit homesick," Mike says. "I just wish that I could see my home one more time. It just isn't fair that we're stuck up here watching fanfics. I still can't believe that the Mads got Michelle into this. She didn't deserve this." "Well, she's taking to it pretty well," Tom says. "I think that she'll be able to handle it. The question is, how much will you be able to take?" "I'm doing just fine, I'm just worried about how everyone else is holding out." "Well, I'm just fine," Tom says. "I think that Crow is holding out just fine. I know not a thing about Michelle." "But will anyone ever achieve such a feat?" Mike says. The red Mad's light starts flashing. Mike pushes the button as he calls the others up. Deep 13 Dr. Forrester's face appears in the screen with a slightly miffed look on his face. "Well, guys, our security has been compromised, after we had a group of Ranma fans come to lynch us for the last fic that we gave you. I've got to work on repairing the place down here. Meanwhile, I've got a fic for you to read. It's been donated by a sympathetic Mad Scientist who was willing to help in any way possible. It's a Gargoyles fic by Valerie Howson. It's called 'Dead or Alive'. Have fun!" Satellite of Love As Mike puts away his picture, the fanfic sign goes off, sending the bridge into chaos. Door 6: It's a bedsheet, which opens up to let you through. Door 5: It's a Playstation. The top opens and you crawl in through it. Door 4: It's a porthole like on a cruise ship. You open the door and climb through. Door 3: It's a castle gate. It falls and misses your feet by inches. Door 2: It's a monster's mouth. You walk through it and avoid the razor-sharp teeth. Door 1: It's a vault door. Its center ring swirls and the door opens easily. Everyone sits down in their seat and looks at each other. "Are we ready to do this?" Mike asks. "Of course," Michelle says, "It's just that I've got this terrible feeling of deja vu." >The characters in this fanfic are not mine, with the exceptions of >Albany, Sarah, the hatchlings, and the victims of the Manhattan Mauler. >Those not listed are property of Buena Vista. Mike: Well, we figured that you didn't own 'em, unless your name happes to be Michael Eisner. >This story is full of blood, guts, and gore, more violence than anything I have ever >written, so if you have a sensitive stomach, I recommend you not read this without a pail. Crow: We never do. >In this story I am doing something I have never done before. I am taking >elements from both the TV show and the Marvel comic books. Tom: That's "graphic novel"! >I only have two of the comics right now, so bear with me on that until I get a few more. >The stores in this backwater hellhole (checks to make sure the mayor isn't reading this) Michelle: (mayor) HEY!! Talk about adding insult to injury! >don't carry much Gargoyles. One idiot didn't even know there WAS a Gargoyles comic >book. Mike: Actually, I didn't know that there was one. Of course, I don't pay attention to gargoyles that much. >I guess it's cause there were only eleven issues, but still. >If anybody cares, this is set five years after Divinity. > >This fic is dedicated to my personal goddess of fanfic, Crow: Athena. >Kellie Fay. Kellie, with every new fanfic you take us on a magical, enchanting, roller >coaster of a ride. And we are all the better for having bought tickets. Tom: She charged you to read her fanfics? Man, she must be good! > Dead or Alive Michelle: It's a "Wild, Wild West"/Gargoyles crossover! > Chapter One: The Fifth Victim Mike: OJ went on another killing spree? > "And in latest news, there has been another in a long string of violent murders. Crow: Today on "Crocheing for Homicidal Maniacs". >The victim, twenty-two year old Heather Marshall, was the wealthy daughter of James >Marshall, a buisinessman and anthropologist who rivals even David Xanatos in net >worth. Like the first four victims, Heather was in her early twenties, and had long dark >hair and dark eye. Crow: James Marshall was a wife-abuser? Tom: Call the human's rights activists on him! >The murders appear to be the work of a serial killer, who some have dubbed 'The >Manhattan Mauler' for his gruesome killing patterns. This is Travis Marshall, WVRN." Michelle: (announcer) If I ever catch who kiled her, I'll What? We're still on? > "Elisa, what can you tell me about this?" Mike: (Elisa) Well, it's a news report, you know, the thing that you listen to when you want to learn about what's going on in the world. > "I can show you the photos. Have a barf bag handy, though. Crow: We always do! Mike: Been there. Done that. >They made me physically ill. They made Cpt. Chavez physically ill, even after all her >years on the force." Tom: She graduated from the school of navigation about fiften years ago, and she's still getting seasick! > "They must be bad then," said Brooklyn, rubbing his chin. The two were having >lunch together to discuss the rash of murders. Michelle: (Elisa evil voice) This is an itch that I intend to scratch. > "They are. Brooklyn, can I ask you something personal?" > > "Of course," he said, mildly surprised. Then he smiled and added, "Just make sure >it's not something Goliath or Albany would object to." Mike: (Elisa) Where's the beef? > "Oh, har dee har har." Elisa frowned slightly. "You think I'm a good cop?" > > Brooklyn arched an eyebrow. "Of course you are. What brought this >on?" > > "Five deaths, Brooklyn. Five people dead, gruesome bloody deaths that make even >experienced cops physically ill. Crow: (Elisa) Five deaths that I caused. >And I have no idea who to turn to, who to blame. I mean, for God's sake, I don't even >know if it's a serial killer or just a big coincidence! Brooklyn, I....I feel so helpless." Tom: (Brooklyn) If it helps you any, I got Final Jeopardy right last night! > Concerned for his friend, the ]lawyer said, Michelle: Anyone know what a "bracket lawyer" is? >"You're a >great cop, Elisa! I mean, sure this one hasn't gotten caught yet, but it's bound to happen >eventually. Besides, how many people HAVE you collared in your career? Dozens? >Hundreds? Elisa, you're a damn good cop. Mike: Watch your mouth, young man, or I'll have to wash it out with soap! >One >of the best, if not THE best. I respect you, and so do all the others. By >the way, why are you asking ME this? Why not Goliath or one of the >others?" Crow: (Elisa) Because I'm going to kill you. > "I respect your opinion, legally and personally. As an officer of the law yourself, >you've had more experience in dealing with police than any of the others except Sarah." Tom: Then, why not ask *her*? > He nodded, accepting her explanation. It made sense. He checked his >watch and said, "Don't you go on duty soon?" Michelle: (Elisa) Yes, but my supervisor isn't expecting me in until I can learn to do my job right. > She checked her own and nodded. "Yes, I do. Thanks for lunch." > > "No problem," he said, signaling the waitress to give him the check. Mike: (Brooklyn) Fifty dollars, Good Lord, that's a lot of money! > She sidled over, hips wiggling seductively, smiled sexily and purred in a husky >voice, "Will there be anything else, Mr Anderson?" Crow: (Brooklyn) I'd like to order some take-out for my daughter, Amy. > He shook his head and said, "Check, please." Tom: (Houston) Fuel level, check. Boosters, check. Oxygen level, check. We are A-OK for launch. Crow: Good, I'm feling hungry. Tom: That would be launch, not lunch. And it's an old gag. > She sighed and handed him the bill for the meal. He payed, gave her a 20% tip, >and stood up, helping Elisa into her jacket. Michelle: (Elisa) Wait, this isn't my jacket. And why are the things in the pockets ticking? > "Well, thank you. Chivalry isn't dead after all, just slightly maimed." All: (laugh slightly) > He laughed and they left, she going to the station, he to his office. Mike: Well, that's new! A lawyer *not* following a cop to the staton. > Chapter Two: Commitment Crow: After a no-interest time period and a thirty-day trial period. > "You're giving me a partner? Why? I don't like training rookies. Who is it?" Mike: It's Mark Fuhrman! Crow: Yeah, he does need some real training. > "She's a good cop, Maza, one of the best in Texas until her husband and his >parents moved up here. By the way, her mother-in-law is Xanatos' sister and her father- >in-law is an attorney. She has friends in high places." Tom: (singing) Where the whiskey drowns and the beer chases your blues away > Elisa smiled broadly, realizing who the Captain meant. "Sarah Anderson?" > > "You know her?" Michelle: (Elisa) Yeah! She's Amy's sister, right? > "We're old friends." She grinned. > > "Oh. Well, good then." The Captain smiled back briefly. > > Sarah entered the room and grinned. "Hey, partner." Mike: I would use a certain joke about our favorite cat girl, but it's been over-used anyway. > "Hey yourself. Tom: (Elisa) Hey's for horses. > We go on duty in ten minutes. Be there." > > Sarah chuckled. "I think I can make it." Crow: (Sarah) Let me check my schedule. > "Hope so. We have a Mauler to catch." > > "This could get me my detective's badge, Elisa." Michelle: (Elisa) As if! > The smile faded from Elisa's face as she remembered the case that got her her >detective's badge, the famous "Alley Killer" case. After a series of murders not quite as >grueome as this one, Elisa busted Adam Jones, who she found standing over a woman, >his girlfriend, with a knife in his hand which was dripping in blood. He was conviceted, >despite his protestations of innocence, and sentanced to prison. Mike: And her title of Spelling Bee Queen went out the window with that one sentence. > Three years later, the murders started again, and it was Elisa who proved that she >deserved that badge, by arresting the real killer. > > Chavez and Sarah exchanged glances. They both knew the story-Chavez was there, >and Lex had told Sarah. Sarah put a hand on her partner's shoulder and said, "Let's go >get him." Crow: (Elisa) As if you could do as good as me! > Chapter Three: Protection Tom: A chapter on condoms! Mike: Tom > "For the last time, David, I do NOT need protection!" > > "Fox, I don't want to take any chances. You mean everything to me and I WILL >have some extra muscle with you for a while. Michelle: (Xanatos) I'm going to pump you up! >Just in case. I have some following Elisa, Albany and Sarah anyway." > > "If she finds out she'll skin you alive, you know." Mike: A live autopsy! Tom: Since when was she in to necropotence? Crow: She's Vladima the Impaler! > "Which one?" > > "Any and every. They are all fiercely independant, just like me. Michelle: They're feminist hippie draft-dodging b**ches, too? >Still I guess I can't really stop you, so go ahead and get some XCG to protect me from >the big bad serial killer." Mike: (singing) Who's afraid of the big bad serial killer? >The usual sarcasm was gone from Fox's voice, replaced by exasperated acceptance. Tom: Ah, sarcasm. The idiot's weapon > David grinned and said, "Who said anything about XCG?" > > "What do you mean?" Crow: (Xanatos) I mean that I'm going to kill you myself! > A door opened and Bronx walked foward. Fox gave David a startled and confused >look. > > "Vallyhara keeps them awake. Michelle: Vallyhara must be a new kind of coffee. Mike: Or perhaps a new type of drug. Tom: (random Gargoyle) Oh, wow! The colors! >We can see them as they are, but to others, he looks like a Rottweiler and the others look >human. Goliath is protecting Elisa, Brooklyn has Albany, Broadway is with Angela, Lex >is with Sarah. So you get Bronx." Crow: (Xanatos) and I'm with acrossover of La Blue Girl. > "Lovely." > > "I know, but look at it this way. He's great protection from muggers." Michelle: (Xanatos) Just don't gethim mad. You wouldn't like him when he's mad. > In a neighborhood in New York that few knew of and fewer had been to, a man sat >in front of a corkboard, Mike: Dr. Hooke has come back from the dead! >making a collage of photos. All the pictures were of women. Beautiful, spoiled, wealthy >women who had never had to work a day in their lives. Tom: Because they had won the Publisher's Clearing House! >Society, he had decided, was to blame for imprisoning him. Society and that damn cop. >Ah, but she would pay. They would all pay. Crow: No COD's, please. > He put up a picture of Heather Marshall's dead body, twisted at an unnatural angle >with blood everywhere. She'd had spirit. That just made it more fun. Michelle: The Cheerleading Team has suffered a terrible loss today. > He flipped through the Society pages until he found what he'd been looking for. Mike: Wanted: lonely, white murderer who seeks same. >He cut out the picture from the paper, being careful to leave no trace of her husband in the >photo for his archives. The collage must be pure, he decided, and went to the refrigerator, >removing a bottle filled with a dark red substance. He went back to the board and posted >the photo, then smeared the liquid all over the woman's hair. She was smiling now, in >that picture. Would she be smiling then? When the knife went in her, would she be >begging for mercy, or screaming in delight? Tom: That is one suicidal chick! She would be happy when she dies? > Chapter Four: The Mauler Strikes Again Crow: (deep voice) Luke, I am your father! > "This just in. There has been yet another grisly murder believed to be perpretrated >by the so-called Manhattan Mauler. The victim, Victoria Chase, was the wife of Eric >Chase, a billionaire from California who was vacationing in New York. We will bring >you more information as it comes in. Travis Marshall, WVRN." Michelle: (announcer) I swear, if I ever catch that guy, I'll get my revenge for my sister! > "Another one?" Elisa looked sick. > > "I knew Vicky Chase," said Fox, grimly. "I went to college with her. She was a >good person." Mike: (Fox) I was going to kill her myself anyway, but since someone else got to her first, she was the greatest person in the world! > "They were all good people," said Elisa softly. She, Sarah, and Brooklyn >exchanged determined glances. They had made up their minds to find, catch, and >incarcerate the murderer. Tom: And whoever finds him first gets to drink from THE FIRE HOSE!! > If not with human justice, then with gargoyle justice, thought Brooklyn in a silent, >grim vow, a threat to the victims and a promise to the killer. The Manhattan Mauler will >NOT strike again. Crow: nor will he pass go or collect two hundred dollars! > Moving with the silent grace of a panther, the man walked through his hovel, goblet >in his hand, pausing here and there to admire the pictures on his walls that were the only >decorations. The Beautiful Ones, he called them. Some of the most attractive women in >the city. Their blood would be his, oh, yes, it would. Michelle: Their blood would be his if he could NAME THAT TUNE! > He stopped in front of her picture, the cop. She would be the last, he decided. Let >her suffer, let her watch, helpless to do anything as the ones she was supposed to protect >died. It would be more fun that way. And after her, the monsters would all die. Mike: and then, she would drop the marijuana! > He turned to the picture of the redhead, so beautiful, so deadly. Tom: Michelle, NO! Michelle: If that's me, I'm going to kill this guy! Crow: Samantha Jones, NO! >She would be next, of course. She posessed a threat to his plans. She might be able to >stop him. There was no way he would let that happen. She would fight, too. That would >be fun. > He smiled and toasted her with the bottle. "Bottoms up," he said, and drank. Mike: From the lovely vineyards of New York City! > Chapter Five: The Shots Heard 'Round The World Tom: The Redcoats were coming! The Redcoats were coming! > Fox and Broadway strolled down the street whose name he bore, she smiling >broadly, he holding a large pile of packages. If he had to smell one damn more Chanel >perfume, he was going to hurt somebody. Oh, well, he could always take it out on the >muggers. Crow: Foreshadowing thick enough that you could cut it with a knife! > Fox was thinking what a great sport Broadway was, certain that he would have >much preferred to be in his mate's company. Angela was sleeping this day, and >Broadway had offered to take Bronx's place. > Broadway sincerely regretted his chivalrous actions and wished to be anywhere >else. All: (singing) Somewhere, over the rainbow > While they were thinking this, a man who was watching them through binoculars >from a mile away was thinking how beautiful Fox was. He was also thinking how >irritatingly large her companion was and how he wuld have to be disposed of. Michelle: and how Valerie would have to remember to spellcheck this again. >As much as he respected her for this show of intelligence-none of the others had beefed >up security-he had to kill her. As they walked toward him, chatting amicably, he rose the >gun and fired. Mike: The postal workers are getting a bit more secretive with their procedures. > Broadway reacted instantly, knocking Fox to the ground and ripping off his >Walkie-Talkie, managing to alert Brooklyn as to the danger before one of the bullets >struck him in the back, silencing him. Four more shots sounded before the gun was >silent. Tom: Oh, sure, he thinks to put the silecer on after he starts shooting! Real smart killer! >All in all, eight shots had been fired, and only three had missed. > The bullet that silenced Broadway ripped through his spine and, thanks to the angle >at which he was lying, tore through his heart before coming to a stop between his sixth >and seventh rib. The next three didn't help, striking in the lungs, the liver, and the >stomach. The last bullet hit Fox in the leg. Crow: (Fox) No! I'm not finished shopping! > In his office, Brooklyn was horrified when he heard another gunshot, his rookery >brother's grunt of pain, and then silence. After yelling Broadway's name once or twice, >he lept to his feet and ran to the door, screaming at Lex and the others in the headset all >the way. When he knew it was safe, he shifted to his natural form and flew toward his >injured brother. Michelle: then, he found a couple more ways to stall. He wanted Broadway to die! > David had the headset on when Broadway's panicked voice, then Brooklyn's, >reached his ears. Horrified, he bellowed for Albany, Puck and Lexington, who came on >the run, having also heard the summons. Lexington was in gargoyle form and dressed for >a fight. Mike: They stalled a couple of times by finding some other crooks to bust, then killing a couple of terrorists, and finally curing a couple of genetical diseases. > In the station, Elisa and Sarah heard reports of the shooting on the CB, and >outfitted for the worst. They turned on their personal headsets in the car, to hear >Lexington calling them. When they heard, they both went pale and turned on the sirens of >the car, gunning it for Broadway. Tom: Luckily, they'll miss by about an inch, considering how this series works. > Through all of this, and until help arrived, Broadway lie still, unmoving, on the >sidewalk, with the formidable Mrs Fox Xanatos sitting over him, ignoring the pain in her >leg, praying for a miracle. Crow: (Fox) Please, in the name of Mercury! Help my friends! Wait, wrong series. > The would-be kidapper cursed himself for not thinking. Michelle: Wait, if he was trying to kill someone, why would he be a kidnapper? Is he going to kidnap a dead body? Mike: Yeah, I've heard that necropotence is big in these fics. >He should have waited, not been so impulsive. That need that he had, the need to taste her >blood, it was building up in him. He would have to kill again, soon. But he was tired of >meaningless slaughter. The game was afoot, and the prize would soon be his. Tom: and the winner of Serial Killer of the Year is > Chapter Six: Mourning All: (half-hearted weeping) Michelle: (cheering) > "What do you mean, he's dead?!" The Clan, the Xanatos', and Puck stared at the >doctor in horror. Crow: (Broadway) I'm not dead! >All attention was rivited on the doctor's words. Broadway was dead. There was no >heartbeat, not surprising since the bullet had ripped out a large chunk of heart. Crow: (Broadway) I'm getting better! I think I may go for a walk! > Angela sat above her mate, holding his hand, tears streaming down her face. Her >beloved, the center of her universe for the past twenty years, was gone. Dead. Mike: (pet-shop keeper) He's not dead, he's resting! Tom: This gargoyle has ceased to be! He's expired and gone to meet his maker! He's a stiff! Bereft of life he rests in peace! His metabolic processes are down!He's kicked the bucket! He's shuffled off his mortal coil, thrown down the curtain, and joined the bleeding choir invisble! THIS IS AN EX-GARGOYLE!!! All: (give Tom a standing ovation) >He lost his life protecting Fox from an assassin's bullet. She didn't begrudge Fox her >life, of course. But if she ever found out who had killed her mate, she would hunt them >down and kill them. Slowly. Painfully. With no mercy. Crow: like she had only heard about in Nav fics. > Goliath stood in the corner, observing the unlikely tableau with a sense of This- >Can't-Be-Happening-To-Me. He had to be dreaming. Michelle: (Elisa singing) Beautiful dreamer All: Ick! >He would pinch himself, like the humans did when they wanted to believe they were >dreaming, and he would wake up in Elisa's arms, Hudson alive, Bluestone alive, Sarah >somehow a part of the clan despite the fact that he and Brooklyn had never fought, even >Demona alive and well, having never had the Eye of Odin. Mike: You know, guys, some of those fics might actually be good! Tom: Yeah, actually, they are! I've read some other stuff by this author. > He pinched himself. The tableau remained unchanged. The doctor standing over >Broadway, a sorrowful look on his face. The looks of numb horror on the rest of his >clan. His beloved, standing with Sarah and Lexington, talking to the doctor about Fox >Xanatos, who, when told of Broadway's death, had insisted on getting up despite her >leg. She and her husband were now standing with Alex and Owen, all four of them >grieving with the others. Crow: (doctor) So, Angela, I take it that you'll be free for a date this Saturday night? >Elisa had great respect for Fox's strength, as did all the others, but like the others, she >thought the woman was being collossally stubborn in refusing further security measures. >Of course, she would refuse it too, but try getting her to admit it. Michelle: We must act fast if we are to get her to confess. Cardinal Servo, poke her with THE SOFT PILLOWS!! > "Fox, dear, you know Broadway took that bullet for you." > > "Yes, and I feel terrible about it." Mike: (Fox) *I* wanted to get out of this fic! > "Don't feel bad, Fox," said Angela quietly. "It's not your fault." > > "Thank you, Angela. That means a lot to me, especially coming from you." > > The female gargoyle smiled and took the woman's hand in a gesture that seemed to >comfort her as much as Fox. Fox smiled, and for a second their was an air of calm. Tom: (Fox) Woo! Who let one? Was it you, Angela? Mike: (buries his head in his hands) Tom: Sorry. Couldn't help it... > With Broadway dead, Crow: Angela was free to go out with whoever she wanted whenever she wanted. >the clan doubled its efforts to find the killer- who had not struck again since Victoria >Chase, Michelle: Just wondering, but wouldn't killing Broadway be counted as a strike? Mike: Only if he was aiming for him. Michelle: Then, wouldn't he have struck on Fox? Mike: No, because he hit Broadway. Michelle: That makes perfect sense. (grabs head) OW! >although some believed him responsible for the attempt on Mrs. Xanatos. Others said that >serial killers rarely if ever changed their MO and shooting just didn't fit the pattern. Tom: Insert random quilting/crocheing joke here > Brooklyn thought-and Sarah and Elisa agreed-that Broadway had been the man's >target all along, trying to eliminate all Fox's security. However, they also agreed that she >shouldn't hide out in the house. The killer wanted her to fear him. As Elisa put it, "Sickos >live off other people's fear." So Fox, tailed by Owen, went about her life as normal. Crow: until the atom bomb was dropped on her by the Japanese Communists that she had ironically been trying to protect. > Until the next month, when Margot Yale's body was found with her husband >Brendan's, both ripped to shreds. Michelle: Those bear attacks get worse and worse each time they happen. > The blonde had been no fun. She hadn't even struggled. And her husband had been >no challenge to catch. He'd killed the blonde in front of her husband, then killed the man. >That had been slightly rewarding, the horrified look on the man's face as the knife went in >his wife. He'd fainted. Mike: and then had dreamt about having wild, get-down sex with his waitress for lunch! All: (look shocked at Mike) Mike: What? That is the sort of thing that guys dream about, you know. > But soon, he knew, the desire to kill would be in him again, and then it would be >time to strike. Tom: and it's a long drive along the third base line all the way out to the wall! > Chapter Eight: The Offer > > Margot Yale's death shocked the city, especially Brookyln, who worked with the >woman. Crow: (Brooklyn) She was the best damn sewage treatment assistant that I ever knew! >It was ironic that she had hated gargoyles so much, he thought. He wondered what she >would have thought if she had known that she worked with one for the past five years. It >probably would have given her a heart attack. Michelle: No, eating a hamburger would give you a heart attack. This would have put her into a coma! > Acting as spokesman for the DA's office, he got on TV, saying, "Miss Yale was a >gifted attorney who had lost very few cases in her lifetime. I was honored to work with >her and appalled to hear of her death. To her killer, I say this. You will be found, and >when you are, it will be my pleasure to prosecute you. David Xanatos and I are putting >out a $250,000 reward for your capture. Dead or alive. God help you, because nobody >else will." Mike: and if you don't get help at charter, please, get help somewhere. > Suddenly, the entire city decided it was their duty as citizens to find the man. >Wanted posters sprang up everywhere, decorated with pictures of the victims, offering >two hundred and fifty thousand dollars for his capture. David was going to offer more but >Brooklyn figured that that would be more than enough to bring the man to justice, or at >the very least get him to stop killing for a while in an attempt to take the spotlight off of >himself. Tom: (killer) Oh, I'm frightened of a few posters hanging all around the city and a couple thousand money-grubbing people hunting my blood. > Meanwhile, Elisa began to wonder who the next victim would be. Fox? Sarah? >Maybe even her. Anything was possible. Crow: even a sitcom starring Bobcat Goldthwait. > But nobody was expecting what happened the next day, when Albany disappeared >from a dressing room in Macy's. Mike: It must have been the Spanish Inquisition. Michelle: Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition! > The reward had been a gutsy move on the part of the DA. He had to be punished. >What better way then taking his wife? Maybe if he didn't know she was dead, maybe then >he would drop the reward in return for her return. It sounded like a good plan to him. Tom: Better than sitting around all night and forcing her to watch bad movies until she cracked. >So he wrote a note, including one of her earrings-cliche, but it would do the trick. If this >didn't get results, the next one would have a ear attatched to it. Crow: The kidnapper's Van Gogh! > Chapter Nine: Escape and Capture > > It had been a good plan, thought Albany. Unfortunately, he didn't know who he >was messing with. Not knowing that she was invulnerable to everything but silver, he >had tied her up and enclosed her in a dingy room filled with pictures of dead people. Michelle: She's trapped in Michael Jackson's basement! Mike: Huh? Michelle: Do you know what's in there? Mike: No, but Michelle: Well, neither do I. Let's just assume that that is where she is. >As bad as that was, she had been through much worse in her long life, and she had no >trouble breaking her bonds and sneak into the room where he was writing a note to- >Brooklyn? Yes, a note stating that he would let her go if the reward was dropped. He was >also drinking, a rich red substance. Tom: (kidnapper) Mmm Kool-Aid > She grinned, picked up a chair, and broke it over his head. Michelle: She's a refugee from the WWF training camp! >He half-turned, and she found herself staring into the eyes of a killer. > > Then he blacked out and she tied him in the bonds he had used on her, Mike: A taut moment of almost suspense! >chuckling to herself the whole time. Quel idiot! Tom: Tish! That's French! > Meanwhile, the clan was worried sick, especially Brooklyn and Lexington, though >they knew full well that she could take care of herself. But what if? Crow: What if the author gets a hold of this MSTing? > "What if the knife has silver in it? She won't stand a chance!" > > "What if he kills her before she has a chance to defend herself?" Michelle: Well, then she'll be kind of dead-ish. > "Calm down you two! I am certain that my sister will be fine," said Puck. > > "I'm glad you have such confidence in me, brother." All: AAAHHH! Mike: Don't sneak up on us like that! > They spun around to see Albany, holding somebody-the killer?-over her shoulder. >She dropped him and hugged her son, then kissed her husband. "Special delivery for >you, Elisa. Take the credit." Tom: (Elisa) Well, thank you for your permission, Miss "I'm the Greatest Cop in The Whole Wide World Because I Caught A Criminal". > "I think I'll let Sarah get this one. This really could get you your badge, kiddo." > > "Great," said Sarah, and they turned the unconscious man over. Elisa gasped at the >familiar face. Crow: Santa! Michelle: Cloud! Mike: Bad FF7 reference! Tom: (Elisa) We've really got to stop meeting like this! > "This is the man I busted for those slasher murders so long ago, the innocent one! >Adam Jones. My God in Heaven." She shuddered. "I ruined the poor man's life, and >look what happens." Crow: Yeah, he becomes a real criminal just to spite you. That's a real b**ch, eh? > "Elisa, it isn't your fault." > > "Oh, I know that, but... Well, Sarah, are you ready to get your badge?" > > "Yes ma'am!" Michelle: Ironically, the killer comes to then and starts killing people left and right, and the good guys are blamed for it all. > Chapter Ten: It Ends > > Sarah did get her Detective's badge for the arrest, but felt bad about taking the credit >for the bust-until Albany took her, Elisa, and the clan to the man's house. They found a >gruesome collage, photos of women, some that were dead, some that were alive. Mike: (looking at collage) Hey, look! Michelle is on here! And there's Serena from Sailor Moon! There's Shampoo and A-ko! >Elisa, Fox, Sarah and Albany were all on the collage, much to their horror and their >mates' anger. They also found blood in the man's refirigerator and in the goblet from >which he had been drinking when Albany broke the chair over his head, much to their >disgust. Tom: As if the description of the crime scene that we never got wasn't enough to make you yodel groceries, then they go and confirm the presence of blood! > True to their word, David and Brooklyn made a public show of giving Sarah >$250,000. And she made an equally public show of rejecting the reward money, saying >that "It is my job, and my privilege. No reward is needed." This made her a hero to some, >a fool to others. She didn't care. Crow: Of course, she didn't care either when her boyfriends left her for another guy, so > Brooklyn, or rather, "Brooks Anderson," was in charge of prosecuting, and he >was, of course, quite happy to make his fiftieth conviction. > > A month after Broadway died, Angela began showing. Michelle: Began showing what? She never really had anything wrong with her, did she? Mike: Maybe it meant stamps or baseball cards. She's really proud of her collections. > Boudicca stayed behind, since the clan on Avalon didn't really need a watchdog, >much to Bronx's delight. Tom: This probably isn't important, but where did this dog come from? Crow: Maybe bad editing? > Margot Yale's memorial service was a week after the conviction, though she had >been laid to rest the day after she was found. The entire clan attended in human form, and >Brooklyn was struck once again with the sheer irony of the situation, feeling sure that if >she knew the truth she would be spinning in her grave. Michelle: The length of time after her death was ironic necause you remember how she had said that she was afraid of the number seven? Mike: No, I don't remember that. Bots: Me neither. > Adam Jones was put to death by lethal injection, and the last thing he saw before he >died was Elisa Maza's face, a cold, unemotional gleam in her eyes. Tom: Elisa's back, and she's packin' heat! It's Elisa Maza in "Die, Birdie, Die!" >The End--====================987654321_0==_ >Content-Type: text/plain; charset="us-ascii" Crow: Shall we go? Rest: YES!! Exit sequence On the bridge, there is a large pile of ooze sitting on the desk. The red Mad's light starts flashing and Mike pushes the button. "Hey, Dr. F," Mike calls to the evil scientist, "Would you happen to know what this is on the counter and or why it's here?" Deep 13 "Well, my big garbonzo bean, that is a sample of Akane's cooking that was left behind by one of those in the lynching mob members. They felt sympathetic towards you guys for having to go through that crap in the Satellite. Go ahead and eat it. I don't need you! I've got maybe thirty more people that I'd like to put up in a satellite more than you. Just do me the favor of dying!" Frank walks in, carrying a pad of wires and buttons. "Well, Dr' F, all we've got to do now is replace te button panel, and we're set." "You mean that we can't stop the transmission until we fix the button?" "Or connect these two wires, and they can't reach each other, and we're out of extra wire." "Well, Frank, you're just going to have to double as our wire dummy for the day. Grab the wires, Frank." Frank takes one wire in each hand, and the picture blinks out. *BLIP* *FWOOSH* In the background, you can hear Frank screaming about electricity burns. And so ends my twelfth MSTing. I'm getting up there! This was a re-MSTing actually. The author told me to do the original, then she went back based upon the MSTing that did and made the story better, and harder to MST. I just hope that she doesn't take this MSTing personally. She didn't like certain parts of the original. Credits: MST3K created by: Joel Hodgson MST3K produced by: Best Brains Original story by: Valerie Howson MSTing by: M. H. Torringjan >To her killer, I say this. You will be found, and >when you are, it will be my pleasure to prosecute you. David Xanatos and I are putting >out a $250,000 reward for your capture. Dead or alive. God help you, because nobody >else will."
Text file Source (historic): geocities.com/tokyo/shrine/2955/Various
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