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Wizard of Zozo

A Crono Trigger/ Final Fantasy/Wizard of Oz crossover

Original fic by: Geode

MSTing by: M. H. Torringjan

	My God, this is a long fic... *stares in awe as the fic goes on and on and 
on*  What?  Oh, sorry...  Where was I?  Oh, yeah!  I don't own Pokemon.  
Nintendo does.  I don't own this fic.  Geode wrote it.  I don't own MST3K.  Best 
Brains does.  I made up Michelle myself.  I didn't write the Declaration of 
Independence.  That was penned by many dead guys who are classified as Founding 
Fathers.
	Geez, this is a long fic... I suppose that I'll have to split it into two 
parts.  I read this thing, and it just said to me, "I need to be made fun of!"  
Anyway, Let's get on with it now.  I'm falling behind every second that I'm 
talking here.

In the not-to-distant future,
Next Sunday A.D.,
There were some bitchin' trainers,
Pokemon trainers to you and me.
They fought against Team Rocket,
to save the world from them,
They did good for a while,
But then they lost one little battle 
And were shot into space!
 (Ash: Pi-ka-chuuu!!!)
We'll send them crappy fanfic,
the worst we can find!  (la-la-la!)
They'll have to sit and watch them all,
and we'll monitor their minds! (La-la-la!)
Now keep in mind Ash can't control when the fanfics begin or end,
He'll try to keep his sanity with the help of his trainer friends!

Poke Roll Call!

Cambot!
(He's actually a bot...)

Misty!
(Splish, Splash!)

Brock!
(Let's get funky!)

Micheeeelle!
(I'm not a trainer!)

If you're wondering how they eat and breathe, and other science facts, (La-la-
la!)
just repeat to yourself it's just a fanfic,
I should really just relax!
For Mystery Pokemon Theatre 3000! (TWANG!!!)

Reverse Door sequence

	On the bridge, everyone is sitting around staring at the walls.  Misty is 
disconsolately brushing Psyduck's hairs.  All three of them.  Michelle walks up 
from the other room.  She's muttering something about how she wishes that Gypsy 
was there to handle the upper functions of the ship.
	"Hey, guys!  How are you doing today?" Michelle asks.  She gets no answer.  
"Guys?  Are you okay?"  No answer.  "HEY, GUYS!!!"  They all perk up at once.
	"Problem, Michelle?" Misty asks.
	"Well, I was wondering the same thing about you!  You guys are spaced out 
completely!" Michelle answers.
	"Oh, us!  We're just going through what is called Pokemon withdrawal," 
Misty replies.  "We've been separated from our best friends for a while now, and 
we're beginning to miss them!"
	"Come on, guys, you can overcome!  If you could get through that first fic 
without wigging out, then you're a better person than I!" Michelle argues.  
"Now, look, I want you guys to think about this for a minute.  I've been through 
worse than this, and I've survived without getting homesick.  Well, I take that 
back.  Without missing my friends like that.  Now, I want you guys to start 
smiling and damn well have fun!  Now, START SINGING!"  As they 
unenthusiastically strike up "1000 Bottles of Beer on the Wall", the red Mads 
light starts flashing.  "Come on, guys, Tentacruel and Tentacrueler are 
calling."  Michelle presses the button.

Deep 150
	"Hey, Jesse!" James exclaims gleefully.  "I think that we already broke 
them!"
	"What?" Jesse asks excitedly as she joins him in front of the screen.  
Meowth isn't far behind them.  "No, it can't be that easy!  Damn it!  All that 
time into how to capture them, only to have it ruined!"

	"You guys did this by taking our pokemon!  Just give them back to us, and 
we'll be just fine!" Misty exclaims.

	"Well, if we want to torture them, we'll need to give them their Pokemon," 
Meowth says.
	"Uuummm..." James says nervously.  "That may be a bit of a problem..."
	"What do you mean?" Jesse asks.  James begins to back away slowly.  Jesse 
grabs him and pulls him back.  She can sense where this is going.
	"Well, I already sold their pokemon," James says carefully.  Jesse slaps 
him hard for that.  Then, Meowth gets a scratch across James's face.
	"You idiot!  Go and find them while we do invention exchanges!" Jesse 
exclaims.  James scurries off to the Boss's office to try and locate the Pokemon 
quickly.  Meanwhile, Jesse pulls out their invention for the day.
	"Now, our invention for the day is based on a child's natural inhibition 
to not want to take baths regularly," Jesse begins.  She shows them a small, 
metal ball floating about three feet above the floor.  "We call it a Hunter-
Bather.  All you need is a culprit who hasn't taken a bath and refuses to do so 
to save his life.  We will use as our model, this Rattatta."  She points behind 
her to where a Rattatta sits in a cage on top of a pile of dirt.
	On Jesse's cue, the cage opens and the Rattatta runs out of it.  The 
Hunter-Bather automatically senses the dirtiness and emits a loud beep.  It 
floats quickly after the Rattatta, who is looking around for the source of the 
beep.  As it notices the ball floating towards it, it runs away as fast as it 
can.  After about a minute of Rattatta out-running the ball, the ball slows a 
bit and a small panel opens up on its front.  A dart shoots out of the panel, 
nailing the Rattatta in the leg.
	Almost as soon as the Rattatta is hit by the dart, it drops to the ground, 
unconsious.  "This tranquilizer dart has a strong enough solution to drop an 
elephant in three seconds" Jesse says.  "That should be enough to handle any 
little hellion that tries to get out of bathing!  Up to you!"

	Brock takes the front stage for this invention.  "Well, our invention is 
based upon the fact that people very rarely hear what they like on the radio," 
Brock says.  "We have devised a system that will let you listen to what you want 
to when you want to in the privacy of your own car!"

	"Nice try," Meowth criticizes, "But that's already been done!  It's called  
a CD player!"

	"Oh, but this is even more convenient," Brock argues.  "You don't have to 
carry anything around, you don't have to do any mechanical installation, or 
anything!  You just think, and you get to listen to it!  I shall demonstrate..."
	Brock turns on his radio and shows that there are no outside influences on 
the radio.  No tapes, CD's, transmissions coming in or other what-not.  He then 
announces, "I want to listen to 'The Sweetest Thing' by U2."  As everyone 
listens in awe, the radio begins blaring the song across the bridge.

	"That's amazing!" Jesse exclaims.  "How did you do it?"

	"Well, I just installed a new reciever in the radio.  That was step one.  
Then, I got on of the mindless droid maintenance workers to perform some 
rudimentary brain surgery on myself and install a transmittor in my head.  
Then-"
	"A transmittor in your brain?!?!?" everyone gasps at once.
	"You know, the FDA won't approve of this operation at all," Michelle says 
calmly.
	"Well, still, it was a good invention, wasn't it?" Brocik asks.
	"Hardly!" Misty exclaims.  "You put yourself in a particularly dangerous 
situation, then, you act like nothing happened?  Do you know if there are any 
side effects?"
	"Well, just that when anyone mentions the show Bonanza, I have to sing the 
theme song..." Brock replies disconsolately.
	"Bonanza!" Ash yells out.
	"It's okay if I pick a couple fights BONANZA!!!" Brock sings.  Ash is on 
the floor, laughing at Brock as he sings the song the rest of the way through.

	"Yes, well, anyway, we may be able to have your pokemon back to you later, 
but for now, you'll just have to do without them," Jesse says over the racket 
from the ship.  "You experiment for today is entitled, 'The Wizard of Zozo.'  
It's by Geode, and it's a Final Fantasy 2-7 (Japanese version) crossover with 
Chrono Trigger.  Plus, an added sting that you'll notice just about right off 
the bat!  Put the hurt on them, Meowth!"

	On the ship, Borck has finished singing and is catching his breath.  "I'll 
have to explain a couple of things about the inventions to you later, after 
we've gotten that chip out of your head," Michelle says.  Just then, Fanfic sign 
goes off, sending everyone into the theater.

Door 6: It's a Snorlax.  You play your Pokeflute and he moves without much 
objection (as if).

Door 5: It's a wall of weeds.  You get Psyduck to Cut it down.

Door 4: It's a castle gate.  It falls and misses your feet by inches.

Door 3: It's the head of a Gyarados.  It opens and you walk through.

Door 2: It's a wall of fire.  You grab a nearby bucket of water and throw it on, 
wishing that you had a Squirtle, or a Wartortle, or even a Blastoise.

Door 1: It's a vault door.  You turn the handle and it swings open easily.

	Everyone takes their seat and prepares to riff away at the very long fic.
	"Bon-" Ash begins.  Michelle is able to cover his mouth before he can 
finish.


>                       The Wizard Of Zozo

Misty: (Wizard) Man, I can't believe that I took this job!
Brock: (Spell) You shouldn't have moved from Id!

>                                  By Geode

Ash: Man, that would be a good name for a punk rock band!
Misty: You think that everything is a good name for a punk rock band!
Michelle: You thought that Anna Nicole Smith was a good name for a punk rock 
band!
Ash: Well, it does have a certain ring to it...

>A picture comes up with Red XIII in black and white. He's stuck in the
>center of a logo.

Brock: (Red) I was framed, I tell you!
Rest: (groan)

>He stares bluntly at the audience.
>
>"Growl..." Red XIII says plainly.

Michelle: Well, actually, it was more of a "Growr".
Brock: I don't know.  I thought that I heard "Grumble".

>Theme music cues up in the background.
>
>It is the world of 1000 AD. The sun shines brightly upon the Black Omen.

Misty: (ominously) Suddenly, the sky grew as black as night!  The thunder 
crashed and the lightning flashed, causing all to hide their heads in fear!
Ash: We can hope that it'll be that entertaining...

>After a long, hard quest, the team is deep into the fated hour and are
>preparing to fight the parasite, Lavos. All seems to be going smoothly
>except for...

Michelle: (Crono) We're out of Folger's coffee?  Turn the time machine around!!!

>"Ayla not like this food!!" Ayla shouted and banged the table of Guardia
>castle with her fork and knife.

Brock: Granted, McDonald's isn't that good, but you don't have to be so messy 
with it!

>Food from the table splattered all over.
>"Where is Tyrano Stew and Reptite Sandwich!" Marle, who was also at the
>table, ran over to calm her prehistoric friend.

Misty: (Marle) Man, I need some help here!  I wish that some guy in purple with 
a big-ass sword and a weird spiky hair-do would come and help me!

>"Don't worry Ayla, it's good," Marle tried to get her to eat something
>before throwing it at someone. Ayla didn't listen to Marle.

Ash: (Ayla) You not mother!  Mother eaten by Tyrannosaurus!  You not mother!
Michelle: (Marle as Vader) Ayla...  I am your mother...

>She picked up a
>bowl and flung it across the room. The chef walked in, covered with sauce
>from the bowl.

All: (muted trumpets) Wah-wah-waaaahhhh!

>"That does it!" the chef yelled. "I want that thing out!"

Ash: Out you pixies go, through the doors or through the windows!

>A crowd was
>forming around the chef to support him. Marle quickly got between the group
>and Ayla.

Brock: (crowd) Oh, damn!  What's this thing standing between us and the 
scapegoat?  We're foiled!

>"No, you can't!" Marle pleaded. "She's just not used to being here, that's
>all." The chef wiped the sauce from his face. A maid stepped forward.

Michelle: Uuummm... When did Marle turn into a wet rag?

>"We can't have her do anymore damage princess," the maid explained, "She's
>brushed her teeth with every toothbrush in the castle, she slept in the
>king's bed, and she bit the mailman!"

Misty: I'd warn the mailman if I were you.  That's part of her mating ritual!

>The crowd murmured in approval to
>getting rod of Ayla. Marle looked around for support. But not even Ayla was
>supporting her now. She was busy making a leaning tower with the plates.

Michelle: (Ayla) Look, scale replica of Leaning Tower of Piza! (crash!)

>Marle gave up. There was no way she could stop them from kicking Ayla out.

Ash: Sure, she's just the princess, and therefore has a little bit less power 
than the king.  That doesn't mean a thing.

>"All right... Just give her the rest of the day please," Marle finally said.
>The crowd conferred for a second and then gave a nod. They left Marle and
>Ayla alone in the dining hall. The plates finally gave way and a huge crash
>followed.

Misty: Good call, Michelle!
Michelle: I just have a natural talent for that sort of thing...

>
>
>

Ash: And now, a short intermission...
Michelle: (gets up) Good.  I need to make a phone call...

>Ayla had decided to finally take a nap after her dinner experience.

Ash: And now, back to our story...
Michelle: (sits down) Fudge!

>Marle
>was outside on her balcony. She sighed and looked out at the Millenial Fair,
>which was still running for some reason, even though it was only supposed to
>last three days.

Brock: Well, it either has something to do with convenience, or the fact that 
the kingdom is a thousand years old for the *whole year*...

>A bark interrupted her thoughts. She turned around and saw
>her faithful dog, Interceptor.

Michelle: And we have successful crossover!!!
(All make random cheering noises)
Ash: Not really much of a cross-over, was it?
Misty: I think that they're building up to it...

>"Oh, hello Interceptor," Marle walked over and patted Interceptor on the
>back. The dog barked again.

Brock: (Marle) What's that?  Crono fell down a well?
Michelle: Good riddance...
Ash: I love that little son of a bi-
Misty: Ash!!
Ash: The dog!  I love Interceptor!

>Marle turned away from him and looked out into
>the afternoon sun. The Black Omen was the only thing in the sky that spoiled
>the mood.

Michelle: Well, that and the little mushroom cloud in the distance...

>She frowned. "No one let's me do anything around here. Dad doesn't
>even approve of me saving the world!

Ash: (singing) Nobody likes me, everybody hates me...

>Sometimes I wish I could go out there
>without everyone else and be myself. (Song Cue)

Misty: Excuse me?  Song cue?  What is this, the frickin' Wizard of Oz? (flash of 
realization)

>"Somewhere over the Black Omen... Way up high...

Misty: I had to say it, didn't I?
Brock: Oh, God.  I hated watching this on video bad enough.
Ash: I wonder if they'll have the guy hanging himself in this version...?

>If Crono can use the Epoch... Of
>why the hell can't I!!"

Michelle: (teacher) Now, that's not proper grammar, young lady!  Now I want you 
to write, "I shall not insert words bicycle at will" a hundred times on the 
board!

>Marle stamped her foot and began to leave the window
>when suddenly Ayla burst through the door.

Misty: (Marle) It's a raid!!  Hide the weed before she sees it!

>"Me want to sing too!" Ayla shouted. "O my hero... So far away now!!!!!!!!!!"

Michelle: Okay, I'm going out on a limb by saying that Celes sang it better...
Ash: I don't think that she's happy enough...
Brock: She's been drinking a bit too much of that Gatorade...

>Ayala sang in an out of tone voice. Interceptor began to howl. Ayla would
>have continued with the next wrong verse except she didn't have the chance.

Michelle: Someone did us all a favor and put her out of our misery...

>Suddenly, a gust of wind rushed through the room and threw Marle's things
>all over. The three stopped in their tracks.
>
>"Gee... It's getting windy!" Marle called to Ayla.

Misty: Oh, God!  They're trying to do their impressions of Marilyn Monroe...
Ash and Brock: (watch intently)
Michelle: Depraved little souls...

>Marle looked out the
>window. A huge whirlwind had formed outside Guardia castle. "Oh my gosh!"
>Marle stepped away from the window. Suddenly, a man carrying a gigantic
>sword flew by in a motorbike called the Hardy Daytona.

Brock: (Cloud) Hey!  This doesn't look like the Shinra building!  The Hell?!

>Then lightning filled
>the sky.

Ash: Okay, Crono!  You can stop playing around with our minds already!

>Marle felt herself being pulled towards the window. Ayla felt it
>too.
>
>"We getting sucked out by wind!" Ayla shouted.

Michelle: Where's Ilya Morumetz when you need him?

>Then, a blue flash filled the
>window and a portal opened in the archway.

Misty: Man, Ertai's really having fun with that portal thingy!

>"A Gate?" Marle asked herself above the wind. Then Marle lost he footing and
>was heading for the portal.

Brock: (Marle) I regret nothing!

>Interceptor and Ayla lunged after her. The team
>flew into the portal and the portal shut. Lavos' evil scream fills the room.
>The screen is filled with the THX audio logo.

Michelle: Anyone who may be playing the MSTing drinking game at home, now is the 
time to belly up to the bar!

>
>
>

Ash: And now, a short intermission...
Michelle: (stands up) Good.  I want a snack

>Suddenly, Marle woke up from a horrible dream where her great great
>grandmother had married Frog.

Ash: And now, back to the story...
Michelle: (sits down) Darn!
Misty: She suddenly found herself wondering why it was that she had green skin 
and bulbous eyes on top of her head...

>She looked around the landscape. It was
>surprisingly colorful. Wasn't everything black and white before?

Michelle: Don't worry, Marle.  That's just within the confines of the fourth 
wall.

>She
>couldn't remember. Ayla and Interceptor were waking up beside her. She got
>up from the ground and looked around the small town in which they were
>situated.

Brock: She wondered momentarily why the people seemed to be about two inches 
tall.  Then, she gave up and chocked it up to a bad acid trip...

>"Where we go? Ayla not know..." Ayla commented and got up beside Marle.

Brock: There's very little that Ayla does know, isn't there?

>"We're definitely not in Kans... I mean Guardia anymore," Marle told Ayla.

Michelle: (church lady) Oops, a little Satan-twister!

>They then noticed a pink creature approaching them from the west.

Michelle: Oh, my God!  The Energizer Bunny's back, and he's pissed!

>The
>creature floated down to meet the group. The creature morphed shapes and
>became a woman knight.

Misty: Man, they didn't say anything about a Xena crossover!
Brock: (cheering)

>"Greetings, I am Terra, the good esper," Terra welcomed the team. "And I
>welcome you to Zozo!" A strange giggling came from the buildings behind her.

Ash: (Terra) Are you looking up my skirt?!  You'd better not be!

>"What was that?" Marle asked cautiously. Terra glanced behind her.

Michelle: (Terra) Oh, just the products of your deranged little imagination!

>"Oh, those are the residents of the town," Terra told her. People of the
>town began to file out from their houses.

Misty: Then, they went right back inside when they realized that this was a 
crossover fanfic, and they were in the wrong sound-stage...

>"Why everyone hide?" Ayla asked plainly. Terra smiled.

Brock: (Terra) Because you're evil and nobody likes you at all...

>"The evil witch, Zeal of the East was just here before you guys came and
>crushed her," Terra replied and gestured behind the group. A huge crater lay
>where a valley must have stood.

Michelle: (Marle) What house?

>Marle, who was trying to remember where she
>heard that name before, went over to inspect the terrain.
>
>"It looks like Lavos crashed through here," Marle told Ayla.

Ash: The irony... She was killed by the very thing that she was trying to 
protect and worship!
Michelle: Ahhh, happens all the time...

>"Could he have
>through the gate...? And what time period is this anyway?" Marle looks back to
>Terra.

Misty: (Terra) Oh, I'm sorry, you didn't form the answer in the form of a 
question... Wait, what was the question...?  Never mind...

>"I assure you miss, this is Zozo... not any time period," Terra looked at
>Marle strangely.

Brock: Hey, if this is Zozo, then she's lying!
Michelle: Then that would mean that it wasn't Zozo!
Ash:  But then, she wouldn't be lying!
Misty: But, then it would be Zozo!
Brock: Then, she'd be lying!
Michelle: I think that they get the idea...

>Marle looked back at the crater and saw that two red shoes
>lay in the wrecked landscape. Marle went over and picked them up. "Received
>Red Shoes."

All: AAHH!
Michelle: Who said that?!

>"Hmm... These are nice!" Marle commented. She inspected the shoes further.

Brock: (Marle) Hey, these are Nikes!
Misty: They'll be worn through in about a week...

>"Those are the witches shoes, you should take them... They'll give you special
>power," Terra told Marle. "They're probably better than those sandals
>anyway." Marle looked down at her sandals.

Ash: Which, ironically enough, were given to her by the Greek god Hermes to ward 
away evil spirits...

>"Yea... These did get annoying when I was traveling in ankle deep snow..." 
>Marle commented. She wondered how logical it was just to find shoes lying in 
>the midst of destruction and put them on.

Michelle: Well, considering what story this is in, I'd say that it's very 
logical!

>Marle removed threw her sandals away
>and equipped the Red Shoes. "These are nice." The citizens of the town began
>to file from their homes.

Ash: What?  They're all insurance agents?
Michelle: Naw, they're stock brokers...

>Cid (FF7) walks out from a building smoking a
>cigarette.

Misty: Woops, this story's rating just went from G to PG!
Brock: What about the swearing earlier?
Misty: What about it?

>"Hey! The $%#@^& witch is dead!" Cid shouts out. Cyan walks from another
>building.

Michelle: Hey, that takes it up to our usual rating, a PG-13!
Brock: Hey, let's see it go up to R!  I want nudity!
Michelle: Poor, depraved little...

>"Tis true... The witch has been slaineth!" Cyan called. Then, numerous casts
>of Final Fantasy games, swarmed from the buildings.

Ash: (astronaut) Houston, we have crossover.  I repeat, we have crossover...
Michelle: My God, it's the swarm!

>"Ding Dong... the witch is dead!" Locke sang.
>
>"Which old b***h?" Cid (FF7) called.

Misty: Of course he's from frickin' Final Fantasy 7!  He's the only one who 
would say that and get away with it!  Hell, he's the only one who would say that 
period!
Brock: Well, I was just waiting for someone to make the obvious play on words...

>"The wicked one you stupid jerk!" Relm called back.

Ash: Okay, as if it wasn't bad enough that they're parodying the stupid song, 
they had to go and make it not rhyme anymore.  Why not just replace the words 
with Walt Whitman?
Michelle: What, and give the story some culture?

>"Ding Dong, the wicked witch is deeeaaaddd!" Yuffie added.
>
>"Sing it high!" Celes sang.

Michelle: Need a castrato?  I could provide one easily enough...
Brock and Ash: (shudder and cringe)

>"Sing it high!" Gogo mimicked.

Misty: For Pete's sake, we heard it the first time through!

>"...............," Vincent and Shadow sang in chorus.

Ash: So, they sang, "Dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, 
dot, dot, dot?"
Brock: Sounds like so many sixties songs that I've heard...

>"Sing it low!" Locke sang.
>
>"The wicked witch is $#%@$^& dead!!!" Cid screamed out.

All: (cover ears)
Misty: Gosh, Cid!  You don't necessarily have to make the whole crowd go deaf!

>Suddenly, a burst of
>smoke appeared in the center of the square. The crowd gasps. Shadow shrugs.

Michelle: Hey, where'd Darkwing Duck come from?

>"Sorry... My fault," Shadow apologized. On the other side of the square, a
>woman in red stood tapping her foot.

Ash: Missus Claus is back, and SHE'S PISSED!!!

>"Thanks for ruining my entrance!!" the woman growled. The crowd has already
>wasted their gasp.

Ash: So?  Why not just sub in some stock footage?  Seems to be standard 
procedure for this type of fic...

>"Scarlet!" Terra growled. "I should have known you would have shown up!"

Brock: Well, considering the fact that A, she's the main villain, B, she's the 
doppleganger of the Wicked Witch of the West, and C, she's supposed to show up 
then, I'd say that she should be expecting it...

>"Enough of this good guy #$@%! Where are those Red Shoes I let Zeal borrow,"
>Scarlet muttered as she scanned the ground. "Hmmm... Level 32, HP ????... 
>Ground is weak against...

Michelle: Weak against the same thing that anybody is weak against.  Chocolate, 
cotton candy, a good Beatles song...
Misty: No, Michelle, that's just you...
Brock: (with notebook and pencil in hand) wait, slow down!  Let me get all of 
this down!

> Hey! There are my shoes!" Scarlet cried and ran over to
>Marle. "Give me those back!"

Michelle: (Marle) Nya-nya-nya-nya-boo-boo, you can't make me!
Ash: REAL mature, Marle...

>"Don't do it Marle... She has no power here," Terra commented. Marle stepped
>away from the witch.

Misty: Except for the power to order room service and not have to pay for it.
Brock: Oooo... The most powerful of powers...

>"But those are mine!" Scarlte whined. "Give them to me or I'll make you
>pay!" Terra prepared a spell.

Michelle: She's bluffing...

>"Scarlet, leave this place before I'm forced to cast a spell!" Terra warned.
>Scarlet looked up and scowled.

Ash: Ironically, she's bluffing, too...
Michelle: It's an all out bluff-fest!!!
Misty: (Terra) Well, I'm the president of Cameroon!
Brock: (Scarlet) Well, I owned Microsoft before Bill Gates!

>"Fine have it your way!" Scarlet said in frustration. "But I'll get those
>red shoes! You'll see! I'll get you... and you're little dog too!" Interceptor
>growled.

Misty: (Interceptor) Man, I don't get paid enough for this!  I demand an extra 
shnausage at the next pay day!

>Scarlet looked around to see if she had missed anyone. "Oh... And
>I'll definitely get the cave girl!" Scarlet started laughing again. She
>threw a smoke bomb down. It was a dud. "Oh shoot!" She whistled.

Michelle: (Scarlet) Damn!  I knew that I shouldn't have bought from Acme!

>(Shin-ra
>music cues up)

Ash: (starts humming the Imperial March from Star Wars...)
Brock: Wrong song, man...

>The Shin-ra helicopter flies overhead and drops a ladder. Scarlet grabs the
>ladder and throws a kiss. The helicopter quickly zooms off and crashes
>Scarlet into a tree.

Misty: And this is supposed to be menacing... how?

>"Damn you #%@^&!" Scarlet screamed as the helicopter raised higher up and
>flew on. Everone was stunned. Finally, Terra spoke to the awed crowd.

Ash: (Terra) Damn, what do those little cue cards say?
Michelle: (Terra) Everyone, I believe that the practical choice of action would be to wet 
'um...

>"Let us forget the evil witches visit and think about how Marle here killed
>Zeal!" Terra finally called out. The citizens cheered.

Misty: And the people rejoiced...
All: (deadpan) Yay...
Ash: Wait, so, they're forgetting about the evil witches, but they're thinking 
about Zeal...OW!(grabbing head)

>The citizens, seeing
>it was there cue, arranged into groups. Terra led Marle, Ayla and
>Interceptor down the line of guilds. First, a group of pilots approached the
>team.
>
>"We represent... #@$&! Damn helium!" Cid coughed. "Why did we have to blow up
>those stupid balloons!"

Brock: (Cid) And why am I seeing these little elves flying around?  Hey, who 
substituted the helium with the marijuana smoke?

>He lit a cigarette. Setzer, Cid (FF4), Cid (FF5) and
>Mid waited impatiently. Cid dropped his cigarette and crushed it with his
>boot. "We represent the airship guild, the airship guild, yadayadayada... You
>get the %#^%@* picture!"

Ash: Language!
Brock: Actually, we don't get the picture.
Michelle: (Cid) Yeah, I don't get paid enough to read the actual script...

>Terra glared at him and continued on. They
>approached a group of mimics. Gogo, who was leading the group, lifted a
>sign. His/Her associates did the same.

Michelle: Somebody refresh my memory.  How many mimcs were there?  Unaided by 
materia, that is.  There was Gogo and that little kid in Nibelheim.  Hardly 
enough for a guild, if you ask me.
Misty: Maybe a band, but not a guild.

>"We represent the Mimicry Guild, the Mimicry Guild, the Mimicry Guild... we
>welcome you to Zozo!" all the signs read. Terra smiled and led them to the
>next guild. Locke, Yuffie, and Edge approached the team.

Ash: Hey, it's the Greedy Bastards' Guild!

>"We represent the thievery... " Yuffie began when Locke kicked her in the leg.

Michelle: Hey, that's not PC, is it?

>"Oww... I mean the Treasure Hunter's Guild, the Treasure Hunter's Guild and we
>welcome you to Wutai!" Locke kicked her again.

Michelle: You know, Yuffie, you could call sexual harassment on that depraved 
little freak...
Brock: What sex?

>"I mean Zozo." Marle smiled
>and realized her pendant was suddenly missing. She looked to Yuffie who was
>studying it intently. Terra saw this and grabbed it from her hand. Yuffie
>sighed and turned her back. Terra handed it back to Marle. They then
>approached a sad looking group.

Brock: What?  They're talking to us?

>Aeris, Tellah, and Galuf walked over to the
>team.

Misty: You know, I think that this guy knows too much about Final Fantasy if he 
know the names of the Japanese characters good enough to put them in a fanfic.

>"We represent the dead character's guild..." Aeris said sadly. Galuf and
>Tellah nodded.

Ash: You know, I heard that there was a way to bring Aeris back from the dead...
Misty: So?
Ash: Then, if it's true, she can't very well represent said Dead Character's Guild.
Misty: Then, they'd have to downsize to a band.
Brock: Well, if they include FuSoYa and Golbez.
Misty: Nah, then it'd be big enough to be club.

>Terra guided Marle, Ayla, and Interceptor. A group quickly
>assembled.

Ash: It was when the group began to dance the Riverdance that Marle could tell 
that she was having a dream.

>"We represent the Cid guild, the Cid guild, the Cid guild and we welcome you
>to Zozo!" Cid (FF7 shouted.) All the Cid's had gathered in the group. Cid
>(FF3), Cid (FF4), Cid (FF5), Cid (FF6), and Cid (FF7.)

Ash: You know, that group is big enough to be a society!
Michelle: You know, that says something about the creativity of the writers of 
these games.
Brock: And that being...
Michelle: That they have very little imagination if they need to reuse names of 
characters over and over and over and over...
Misty: They do the same thing with Vicks and Wedge.

>Terra was about to
>guide them forward when she realized someone was missing. Suddenly, Cait
>Sith, toppled down the street towards them. He fell to his face and them
>jumped to his feet. He brushed off his top hat and rearranged his single
>eyeglass.

Ash: (Cait) I'll get you, my pretty, and your little dog... Wait, that's not my line...

>"Hello! I'm the mayor of Zozo!" Cait Sith shouted from his megaphone.
>"Welcome to our quiet town! We are in great debt to you for defeating that
>evil Queen Zeal!" The crowd cheered. "Say, what do those shoes do to you? Do
>they cast safe or shell?" Terra poked him in the back.

Michelle: (Marle) Actually, they give you the ability to be classified as 
stylish and attract men like a magnet attracts iron!
Misty: Oooo, I'll have to get one of those pair for myself...

>Cait Sith sighed and
>continued with the conversation. "All of the guilds wanted to show you are
>gratitude!"

Brock: She *is* gratitude?  Is that one of those lesser-known Greek or Roman Gods?

>Cid (FF7) muttered something in the background. "We're a little
>smaller than usual because Scarlet has enslaved our Moogle and Chocobo
>guilds!"

Ash: Choccobos in Chains... Sounds like a good name-
Michelle: We know, we know...
Misty: It's been done, actually...

>"Oh... That's awful," Marle said shocked. Ayla looked puzzled.
>
>"Me get back! Then we can have them for feast!" Ayla shouted. Cait Sith
>frowned.

Misty: (Cait) Of all the heroes in the multiverse, the author had to supply us 
with *these* losers...

>"That would be very difficult, I'm afraid... They're in Scarlet's fortress,"
>Cait Sith explained. While Marle pondered what to do next, Ayla decided to
>take matters into her own hands.

Brock: (Ayla) Okay, take clothes off and hand over wallet now!

>Ayla walked over and tapped Terra. Terra turned to face her. "Yes?"
>
>"How we get back to home?" Ayla got right to the point. Terra looked around.

Michelle: (Ayla) And first mention of yellow bricks, we sue your asses for 
copyright infringement!

>"Where did you come from?" Terra replied. Ayla thought for a moment.
>
>"Many days after tomorrow?" Ayla tried a fancy phrase. Terra looked
>confused.

Misty: (Terra) That's a cute kid, now here's a ball to play with!  You see, you 
drop it and it comes back up!

>"I don't believe I could help you... But I know who could," Terra told Ayla.
>Marle suddenly became interested in the conversation.
>
>"Who?" Marle asked.

Ash: The word Charter comes to mind...

>"Why, the Wizard of Zozo could help you," Terra said.

Michelle: Okay, we've got opening bets on who it really is!
Misty: I've got fifty on Cid from FF8!
Brock: Five on Hojo!
Ash: I've got ten on Lucca!
Michelle: Well, then, I'll say that it's Gast!

>"Where we find?!" Ayla roared. Interceptor barked. Cait Sith stepped
>forward.
>
>"Why, you can follow the Lunar Path!" Cait Sith exclaimed.

Ash: Good job!  No mention of either "yellow brick" or "road!" (Damn, now we can't file 
lawsuit!)

>"Follow the Lunar Path!" FuSoYa called from the crowd.
>
>"Follow the Lunar Path!" Aeris called.

Michelle: Shut up and stay dead, girl!
Misty: Yeah, FuSoYa just wants them to follow it because he's getting lonely...

>"Follow the Lunar Path, Follow the Lunar Path... Follow, Follow, Follow,
>Follow the Luanr Path!"

Brock: (singing) We're fof ot ese eht Wirdaz...

>everyone broke into a chorus. The chorus continues
>as they follow the bright Lunar Path. "...Follow, Follow, Follow the Lunar
>Path!... We're off to see the Wizard! The wonderful wizard of Zozo! If there
>was a wizard that was... this was the wizard that was... Because, Because,
>Because, BECAUSE!!!! Because of whatever he does... We're off to see the
>wizard... The wonderful wizard of Zozo!" The chorus fades into the background
>and Marle, Ayla and Interceptor begin their trip down the Lunar Path.

Brock: This song has been brought to you by the Department of Redundancy Department.

>
>
>

Ash: And now, a short intermission...
Michelle: (gets up) I need some fresh air...

>Marle huffed and puffed as they continued down the Lunar Path. Ayla was also
>very tired from the long walk.

Ash: And now, back to our story...
Michelle: (Sits back down) DAMN!!!

>"Boy, this is a long path... I wish there was a save point nearby," Marle
>groaned. She sat down on a fence. Ayla nodded.

Brock: Uuummm... Fourth Wall?  Hello, Fourth Wall?

>"We not need save pond! We save right here!" Ayla shook her head. Marle
>looked around.
>
>"I guess this is okay... I mean, we did sleep in the middle of the black
>omen," Marle finally decided.

Misty: In the middle of the Black Omen?  Man, that must have hurt!  Sleeping in 
solid metal!

>Marle sat down on a bed of grass and looked
>down at her shoes. "Besides, my feet haven't broken in these shoes yet."

Misty: Of course not!  You're not a porcelain doll!

>Ayla looked down at the shoes for a moment and then shrugged. She found a
>spot on the grass and lied down. Interceptor quickly joined her.

Michelle: First sign of bestiality, I'm out of here...
Brock: Come on, she's not Oscar!

>Slowly,
>Marle drifted off to sleep.
>
>Suddenly, Marle found herself in the middle of a cornfield. She looked
>around the field.

All: (a la Field of Dreams)  If you build it, they will come...

>"If you build it... They will come...

All: D'oh!!!

>er... I mean... If you go there, he will join
>you..." a voice from the heavens seemed to call down to her.

Ash: God's telling her to have sex outside of marriage?  Not bloody likely...

>She looked around
>and suddenly saw a large figure hanging from a fence. Then, everything
>faded.

Misty: It was then that she realized that she had been shot with a tranquilizer dart...

>Marle suddenly jumped from her sleep. She gazed around. Ayla and Interceptor
>were busy yelling at something in the distance. Marle shook her head and got
>up from the grass. She realized her red shoes were missing.

Brock: Man, she's only missing the shoes after *that* night?  That's pretty 
good!
Michelle: (slaps Brock)

>Marle examined
>her bare feet. Confused, Marle rushed over to where Ayla was yelling. Ayla
>stood there arguing with what looked like a scarecrow.

Misty: Surprisingly enough, it was just David Spade on a stick...
Brock: Look, it's Michael Jackson!

>"What you mean? Pick way!?" Ayla said disgusted. She stood with Interceptor,
>wearing Marle's shoes, yelling at a man in a red cape. Straw streamed from
>parts of his outfit. The man looked down at them.

Ash: (straw-man) Have you been helped?

>"You can try this way, or that way, or you can try both," the scarecrow said
>plainly. Ayla tapped her foot and growled.
>
>"Me not understand what you say?!" Ayla shouted again. Marle rushed in to
>intervene.

Misty: (Marle) Listen, you dim bulb, he means that we can split up and try both paths!

>"Hold on!" Marle shouted and waved her hands. She looked at Ayla and then to
>the scarecrow. She recognized the figure from her dream. "What's going on
>here!" Ayla pointed to the scarecrow.

Brock: (Ayla) He teased me about my breast size and my revealing attire!

>"Me want to know where we go next so me ask straw guy! He tell me go
>everywhere! I not understand so Ayla get angry!" Ayla explained in her own
>sort of way. Marle looked to the scarecrow.

Misty: (Marle) Ignore her.  She's going to a therapist.

>"You can talk?" Marle asked the scarecrow. The scarecrow nodded.

Ash: Well, why not answer by talking?!?!

>"........." the scarecrow looked down to Marle. Marle, still a little confused,
>tried another question.

Michelle: Real impressive vocabulary, straw-boy!
Misty: So, he said, "Dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot, dot?"
Ash: It's getting old...

>"Where did you suggest we go with this fork in the road!" Marle asked
>politely. The scarecrow looked around.

Brock: Well, hopefully to the silverware cabinet in the road...

>"Maybe you should try going back the way you came... Or you could go one way
>and end up in the other," the scarecrow said. Marle looked even more
>confused.

Michelle: That was deep...
Brock: So deep that I got the bends...
Misty: So deep that I had to spelunk to get to the bottom of it...
Ash: So deep that the author didn't know what he was writing, he just wrote it.
Brock: Random words cassava melon can be fun turtleneck!

>"Why are you giving us these strange answers!!" Marle whined. The scarecrow
>looked at the ground.
>
>"I'm sorry miss, I really can't be of any help because I have no brain... That
>is my sin..."

Brock: Well, if Vincent seems to be OOC, that would explain it...

>Marle's jaw dropped and Ayla hit herself in the head.

Ash: ...Accidentally giving herself a concussion.

>"This guy worse than Crono!" Ayla said to Interceptor.
>
>"Why don't you have a brain?" Marle asked inquisitively.

Ash: (Vincent) It's just the way I'm written!
Misty: (slaps Ash upside his head)  Keep them riffs in the fourth wall!

>"Professor Hojo did something to me... Ever since, I've been like this...
>Without a mind," the scarcrow said in melancholy. Marle scratched her head.

Michelle: (Marle) Duuhhh... Who's Professor Hojo?
Misty: (Ayla) I think he a spokesperson for a line of hotels...

>"Maybe the wizard could help you..." Marle finally said. "Would you like to
>come with us?" The scarecrow thought for a minute.

Ash: (Vincent) Damn, I knew this was going to be tough work without a brain!
Brock: Hell, living would be tough without a brain!

>"Hmm... This is much worse than the coffin... Yes, I would be happy to come 
>with you so that I may redeem myself," the scarecrow said finally. "My name is
>Vincent Valentine..." Vincent told them. Marle and Ayla hopped over the fence
>and pulled Vincent down.

Misty: (Vincent) Heck, let me go over there, grab the noose and finish the job...

>"Okay Vincent... You can come with us!" Marle said to her. Vincent brushed off
>his cape and followed them onto the Lunar Path.

Michelle: ...To their imminent deaths...

>"I wish I could be of more help... But my condition is terrible..." Song cue.

Brock: Airsick bags at the ready...

>"I
>could stomp on every enemy, crush every monster if I only had a brain!... I
>could beat every boss, and stop the Shin-ra if I only had a brain!"

Misty: How do I get the feeling that he'll mention Lucrecia?

>This
>continued on for the next few minutes until Vincent felt he was making an
>@$# out of himself.

Ash: It took him a couple of minutes to get that feeling?

>"Shall we continue on?" Vincent asked.
>
>"One moment... I just have to talk to my friend here," Marle gestured to Ayla.
>Marle led Ayla away from Vincent.

Michelle: (Marle) You hold him down, I'll get the strait jacket...

>"Ummm Ayla... Why are you wearing my shoes!!?" Marle nearly shouted. Ayla
>blinked in confusion.
>
>"You said you want broken. So Ayla will break for you!"

All: (muted trumpet) Wah-wah-wahhhh!

>Ayla explained what
>she though was a simple matter.

Misty: (Ayla) You calling me simple?!  I bash your head in!

>Marle sighed.
>
>"That's okay Ayla... Can I have my shoes back?" Marle told her. Ayla shook her
>head.

Ash: (Ayla) Not unless you give three hundred dollars...

>"No... Ayla said me would, so Ayla will! I make sure they broke!" Ayla said
>impatiently.

Brock: *CRUNCH!* (Ayla) There you go...

>"But Ayla, I have to walk down the rest of Lunar Path barefoot!" Marle
>argued. Ayla shrugged still not understanding.

Michelle: Man, Ayla sure is being an inconsiderate b**ch so far in this fic!
Misty: (Ayla) Next, I take your food and water.

>"Me not take long, just little while," Ayla quickly replied. Marle decided
>to stop arguing and continue on down the Lunar Path.

Ash: (Ayla, tough) You got problem with that?!
Michelle: (Marle, meek) No, ma'am...

>"I really wish I hadn't gotten rid of those sandals..." Marle finally muttered
>to herself. The group walked slowly down the Lunar Path. As they walked, a
>forest came into view on the right of the path.

Brock: (Vincent) Look, it's some guys in tights with bows and arrows, pointing 
them our way!

>Ayla and Marle stopped to
>look at the forest. Luscious apples hung from branches on the tree.

Michelle: Paradise Lost 2: Eve's back, and she's brought company!

>"Gee... Now that I see those, I realize how hungry I really am!" Marle told
>Ayla. Her stomach growled. Ayla looked at a particularly big apple.

Michelle: First person to make a sexual innuendo reference scrubs up the 
bathrooms for the rest of the week!
Brock: (covers his mouth in fear)

>"Me get the apples!" Ayla shouted and jumped at the tree. She tugged on an
>apple dangling from a branch.

Brock: (covering mouth) Mmpph!!  Mmpphh!!

>"Hey! Stop that!" a voice bellowed. Two eyes opened on the face of the tree
>and focused on Ayla. A branch swatted her away.

Misty: Now, there's a new use for them that I hadn't seen before!  Tennis ball!
Ash: I personally think that they're more the baseball type...

>"What do you think you're
>doing?!" Marle, who had gotten used to all the strange things happening,
>vouched for Ayla's sudden attack.

Michelle: Anyone here know the number for a good exorcist?
Ash: Forget the exorcist, find us a lumberjack!

>"I'm terribly sorry... We didn't realize you were... Alive!" Marle explained.
>"We were just hungry, that's all." The tree narrowed it's eyes.

Brock: Look out, it's going to scat!

>"Well, these aren't your apples, so too bad!" the tree shouted. Two other
>trees seemed to wake up from their dormancy and also kept eyes on the team.

Michelle: You get those things off of them!  You don't know where they've been!

>Vincent ushered Marle and Ayla back.

Misty: Vincent: Bouncer for hire...

>"Let me try something..." Vincent whispered to Marle. He walked up to the
>trees. "Excuse me um... tree. What would you do if I did something like 
>this..."

Ash: Like what?  What is he going to do?  Will he jump out wielding a hatchet 
and threaten to cut it down?
Brock: Maybe he'll start dancing the can-can in front of it.
Michelle: Maybe he'll flash it.
Misty: Maybe he'll push the tree into a vat of boiling canola oil, filled with 
hungry, grumpy mutated trout!
Rest: What?
Misty: Or not...

>Vincent called to the trees and quickly drew his gun. He fired at an apple
>and knocked it to the ground. He picked it up as it rolled towards him. The
>tree's eyes turned red in anger.

Ash: Whoah!  Too much caffeine!
Misty: (tree) Man, I knew that I shouldn't have drunk that cherry Kool-Aid...

>"What will I do!!" the tree roared. "Berserk!!!" Green rays shot around
>another tree. The tree uprooted itself from the ground. It roared and raked
>the ground with it's branches. Vincent's jaw dropped.

Michelle: (Vincent) Oh, poopie!
Brock: Look out, he's going to wet 'um!
Misty: (Vincent) I believe that I speak for everyone here when I say (sobs) Oh, please 
don't kill us!  Ohpleaseohpleaseohpleaseohpleasedontkillus!

>"I forgot that trees cast berserk..." Vincent murmured as he backed away. He
>began to fire on the approaching tree. Splinters of wood tore from the bark.
>The tree swiped at Vincent with it's huge claws.

Misty: (Vincent) I don't know why they're not working!  The bullets are silver!
Michelle: (Marle) That's for werewolves!
Misty: (Vincent) D'oh!

>Marle quickly grasped her
>bow and fired a couple arrows at the approaching tree. Interceptor barked
>ferociously as the tree came closer.

Ash: Quick, boy take a whizz on it!

>"Me kill tree!" Ayla shouted. She leapt into the air and began to kick the
>tree. The tree stumbled backward after each succeeding kick. Vincent took
>another shot as the tree collapsed onto the ground.

Brock: (tree) I've fallen and I can't get up!
Michelle: Good!

>The other two trees
>looked at their fellow tree. They looked to other each other and became
>dormant again. Vincent walked over to the fallen tree and gathered up a few
>apples.

Misty: Yes, it's some good-natured larceny and murder!
Brock: (Vincent) No hard feelings, I hope!

>"This ought to do for now," Vincent said, handing each person an apple. The
>trees listened silently as the team went on their way.

All: Oh, BOO!!!
Michelle: Come on, you trees!  You out-number them about five-hundred to one!  Just kill 
them for Pete's sake!

>
>
>

Ash: And now, a short intermission...
Michelle: Damn skippy!  (Grabs everyone and leaves before the fic can continue)

Reverse Door sequence

End of Part one

Continue on to Part two for ending.