Angel's Egg (Ass)

Thinking of something blue...



Review by: Craig "My brain's melting!" Norris and M.H. "End of Eva was more artistic than this crap" Torringjan

Length: 80 minute movie (though it seems much, much longer)
Genre: Artsy-fartsy
Watched: All (unfortunately), subbed

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The hell is this?!

Plot synopsis: There's this girl. She has a big egg. And she walks around. And drinks lots of water. And there's this guy who wants to find out what's in the egg. So he follows the girl. And there are these fish, only they're not fish, they're just shadows. And people with masks try to harpoon the shadows, even though they know they can't. I know, I know, it really doesn't pass for a plot, but I had to write something here, and that's all I could think of. Consider what I had to work with.

Artwork: There must have been a hell of a sale on blue ink down at Office Depot, because every frame is awash with this noble color. Now, I'm a fan of blue; it's one of the more relaxing colors. But its overuse in the animation had me seeing red! Okay, to be fair, a female might be able to see the variety of colors in the film. Like cerulean, ocean, navy, deep, dodger, cornflower, cadet, slate, cyan, sky, steel, aquamarine, turquoise, royal, azure, and maybe even a splash of teal. That's variety, right? However, this won't cut it for me. It's as if all the other colors were stuck in traffic when the film went to print. Even though the film was probably in the ultimate spirit of artistic expression, I fail to see how making everything blue somehow reveals any of the secrets of the universe. Maybe God is a Smurf, I don't know. Even aside from the movie's monochromatic nature, the line art is not at all impressive. And the action sequences... Wait, there are no action sequences! Not so much as a checker match between the little girl and the egg! Apparently, all the funds for production values got diverted to the Let's Confuse As Many People As We Can Department.

Music: If there's one remotely positive thing I could say about this movie, it is that the score is tolerable. Most of it is orchestra, which shows me that whoever was in charge of music production actually put effort into it. Not like those lazy slobs in the animation department, who slathered blue ink on a perfectly good cel, and may or may not have been drunk on sake during the inking process. Still, there are much better soundtracks to be had, and while this one was not exactly horrid, even its moderate quality could do nothing to save this film.

Characters: There's a really thirsty blonde girl with an egg, and some gangly pretty boy who carries what is either a crossbow or a drafter's t-square (yes, the bad animation makes it that vague). When I find out more about either of them, I'll let you know. The only character traits I could gather from either of them were that the girl must have a bladder the size of a beanbag chair to hold all the water she drinks, and the guy is very curious about oversized ova. I also got that he knows what's going on, which makes me hate him for not explaining what's going on. We don't even find out where these people are from, what their names are, and what the hell they think is so special about a goddamn egg, except that it'd make a nice omelette. But with only about twelve lines of dialogue (give or take) throughout the whole movie, it's no wonder that we're left in the dark about them.

Plot: Some people might say that this movie is all about a journey. I have to disagree. "Lord Of The Rings," now that was a journey. This is about two poorly drawn people walking around with an egg. To me, that is not a journey. Hell, that is not even a plot. Granted, it's an art film, so it's obviously not going to be plot-driven. Still, it's a good idea to have something-anything-happen to make sure those of us with a short attention span don't get up in the middle and leave. I can only take so much of watching a girl drink water before I become bored. Interesting side note: the girl is constantly drinking, and yet we never once see her go to the bathroom. That's how I developed my theory about her bladder. And yes, the plot was so uninteresting that I had to think about stuff like that during the movie to keep myself awake. In theory, one could plug any random word in to the sentence, "This movie was about..." and it'd work in reference to this film. And that's exactly why it's completely useless as an art form; it's too broad and abstract to be understood in any coherent manner. Or, we could just stick with the go-to subject of art films: man's downfall or something equally pretentious.

CHICKS!: When all else fails, bombard us with fanservice and hope the fragile state of mind brought on by the dehydration from drooling will make us give it a good review. Well, all else did fail. And they gave us a prepubescent urchin holding a giant egg. I feel so... cheated. If you find her attractive, then you obviously have a lolita complex. If you find the egg attractive... well then let's hope the nice men in white coats put you in a comfy padded room before you hurt yourself. There was one point where I thought I saw Naru in the film, but I chalked it up to chick withdrawal and slipped back into my glazed-over state. On review, it was just another bottle of water.

Overall: I've read other reviews about this film, and much to my chagrin it has received high marks across the board. I believe that that is because no one understands it, and instead of feeling stupid by admitting it they merely make some excuse about their being so many different interpretations that it can't not be good. Well, I will not continue that misguided trend. I will make a stand right now and admit to the world that I did not understand that movie in the least, and if anyone says that they do, I will immediately call him or her a filthy liar. This film should never have been released to the public. In fact, everyone who was involved with the making of this anime should be forcibly detained and made to watch the entire Cowboy Bebop series ten times through, to show them what an anime really should be. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to the kitchen; I suddenly have a craving for an omelet.

M.H.'s two cents: You might ask us, "M.H. and Craig, why did you even consider watching such a film in the first place?" To which we would reply, "Meh. Got bored at an anime club meeting." And the sad truth of it all is, those situations are the ones that are most likely to produce anime-related embolisms. So, for the record, only watch something in anime club when you're bored if you're sure you can handle the outcome. It could save a life. Or something.

IN A NUTSHELL

+ The movie ended
- Not soon enough
- The movie was made
- There's really nothing positive associated with this movie
Rating: 0/10



Get the hell out of here.