M.H. Torringjan’s and Black Seventeen’s Ten Anime Commandments
Word reached us some time ago that apparently, there is a small tribe of natives in the Himalayan mountains who once saw one of our anime reviews and now reveres us as gods. Don't ask us how, although I would probably pin it on one of those stupid mountain climbers who loves reading us so very much (and you know who you are!). Regardless, rather than make a bad situation worse by telling them that we're not really gods, and are in fact merely twenty-something dorks with no lives and/or social skills, we thought it appropriate to offer them a set of commandments by which they could live their lives. So, without further ado, the Ten Commandments of Anime!
1. We are the Lords, your Gods of Anime. Thou shalt have no other review sites before Us. Not even ANN, since they’re a bunch of self-righteous jerks. Not to name names or anything.
2. Thou shalt not make wrongful use of Our reviews, or thou shalt face the wrath of lawyers. Really big ones with pointy teeth, bad hairdos, and BO.
3. Thou shalt make graven images of hot anime chicks and offer them as tribute to Us. For the relative value of the hot anime chicks, refer to the Top 10 List at least once a year.
4. Remember the Sabbath Day, and use it to watch anime for 12 hours straight.
4a. Thou shalt not send us the optometrist’s bill for treatment of your nearsightedness.
5. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor’s anime; instead, thou shalt acquire more anime than thy neighbor.
6. Thou shalt not cosplay as a character of the opposite gender, especially if thou art over 40 and have a BMI classifying you as overweight according to the FDA.
7. Thou shalt not watch Angel’s Egg. Trust us, it’s for your own good.
8. Thou shalt not steal; thou shalt pirate. Yarrr.
9. Honor thy father and mother, for they may hook you up with anime for your birthday.
10. Thou shalt not let school or career interfere with thy indulgence of anime. (Ed’s note: Like I’m one to talk...)
Well, there you have it! Feel free to live your lives as we dictate, or be condemned to eternally watch UFO Princess Valkyrie. We know you don't want that. And keep in mind that this set of commandments isn't just useful for Himalayan natives, but could also be useful for cultists in the Nevada desert, people watching televangelists at 3:00 in the morning, or newly arrived extra-terrestrials. Really, we're not picky.
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