FINAL FANTASY: ADVENT CHILDREN
Whine for long enough, and apparently somebody will listen
Review by: Colin "Cloud is a Colossal Douchebag" Pinkham
Length: About an hour and a half
Genre: Action, CG
Watched: All of it twice, once dubbed, once subbed
Technically, Advent Children might not count as an anime. (M.H.'s note: Why wouldn't it? It's animation that comes from Japan; That's the most narrow definition, and it fits...) It's an all-CG follow-up to Square's tremendously popular (and influential) Final Fantasy VII. Wait, why do I even need to explain this? I'm talking to anime fans here, of course you know about FF7; this is like telling a carpenter that wood actually comes from trees.
Plot synopsis: The movie picks up a couple of years after FF7 left off: Sephiroth and his obnoxiously, comically long blade is gone (ok, sidebar: how the hell did he used to holster that thing? Did it necessitate the use of a crane? Possibly some sort of hydraulic system? I need answers), but good ol' Rufus Shinra is still around to weave his web of narcissistic deception, and Cloud is still very much a loner who doesn�t appreciate the fact that a very hot woman wants an all-access pass to his pants (oh, how I loathe thee, Cloud Strife). Now the residents of Midgar have a much greater problem than Shinra Corp, though: a mysterious plague is ravaging the civilian populace, and no cure is in sight. We also find out that Cloud is still consumed with guilt over Aeris' death, and has taken to living as a hermit in a burnt-out church with flowers growing out of the floor. This not-so-idyllic life is soon shattered, however, when three homogenous (and slightly androgynous) guys in matching jumpsuits get into a big royal motorcycle rumble with Cloud and start calling him "brother," and then ask him about where "mother" is. Or something.
Artwork: The first thing you need to know is that Advent Children is very, very pretty. To an extent, Final Fantasy: The Spirits Within was pretty beautiful too, but I think Advent Children far outstrips it (AC also didn't make me want to bash my head into the wall and scream "WHY?"). It's very easy to get lost in the aesthetic beauty of the movie to the point where you forget that the plot seems to have been written by narcoleptic gerbils. They made every FF7 character look exactly as you would want them to, somehow toeing the line between realism and the cartoonishness of certain character aspects without once stepping over the line and making it cheesy. On the other hand, they did some very strange things to Cait Sith, and Vincent wears metal clown shoes (was I not paying attention to the game, and is Vincent actually a vampire clown?), but aside from that I really don't have any complaints about the art in this movie. There's a fight where literally every FF7 character takes on Bahamut that for me has to rank as the high point of the entire thing, as the whole sequence is absolutely gorgeous. Interestingly enough, while the Bahamut fight scene is thoroughly entertaining, I can't help noticing that the Bahamut in AC more closely resembles the FFX version than the FF7 incarnation, which is only to the film's detraction.
Music: It's Nobuo Uematsu; that pretty much tells you what you need to know here. I don't think there's been a single Uematsu soundtrack I haven't enjoyed. Final Fantasy VIII still stands out in my mind as his best; if you're an FF fan and your pulse wasn't pounding as Squall fled from the giant spider robot and Uematsu's soundtrack took over early in the first disc, there's something wrong with you. While that was probably Uematsu's apex (at least for me), Advent Children is still pretty good. The best song, which sounds like the Jaws theme crossed with techno riffs and thunderous opera sequences (this is Uematsu, after all), comes late in the movie, but is well worth the wait. It manages that rare task of chilling and invigorating the viewer without at all distracting from the action of the scene. That's not the only good theme in this movie, though; basically every bit of music in the film is well-placed, well-made, and well-done overall. I may sound like I'm going a bit overboard here on the soundtrack, and for that I apologize; I just really enjoy Uematsu's work.
Characters: This is one of the areas that bothers me. Although all the characters from the game appear in the film, the only ones the filmmakers deigned to spend any time on were Cloud, Tifa, and (to a far lesser extent) Vincent. Barrett, Yuffie, Cid, Cait Sith, and Red XIII have almost no screen time (and I think Red XIII, the most eloquent character in the entire damn game, has exactly one line), though they are all certainly well-prettified. Barrett in particular looks much cooler than I would've ever thought possible. I do have a qualm with Cait Sith in that he just looks really, really weird - like a ragdoll with a Scottish accent who rides on Red XIII's back and yelps like he just popped a 'roid. It's been a while since I played the game, plus Cait Sith sucked enough that I never used him anyway, but did his giant fluffy white dog-thing disappear somehow? Because it didn't appear in the movie at all. But I digress. Back to characters, they did a good job with Tifa, who has an extended fight scene with one of the jumpsuited sons of Jenova that ranks only behind the Bahamut fight as the best part of this movie. Even the dubbed voice acting was actually pretty good, though I could just be saying that because Rachel Leigh Cook did the voice of Tifa, and I've had a crush on her since I was 15. Oh well.
Plot: Ok, I'll be completely honest: it gets really hazy in my mind past the first 15 minutes. The "mother" the three guys are talking about is, of course, Jenova (gee, didn't see that one coming), and apparently they're after her severed head. To further complicate matters, Shinra Corp is also in pursuit of the evil one's brainbox, though FF: AC is never really clear as to why. Maybe Rufus Shinra wants to laugh and point at her cranium, shouting "HAHAHA! I'M PRETTIER THAN YOU!" all the while. Honestly, it wouldn't surprise me. Rufus Shinra was always kind of a dick.
There are brainwashed kids in the plot somewhere, and Shinra henchman whose only purpose is to get kicked around by the bad guys, and there's the Bahamut fight. Past that, don't ask me what the hell happened, because I don't know. Hell, I don't think the writers even know what this plot is about. To tell you the truth, I think the writers of FF: AC were either escaped mental patients or they had access to REALLY good hash. None of it makes much sense. Whatever, at least Cloud didn't turn out to be the dream of some ancient civilization's dream about his monster dad or anything. I mean, seriously, who would ever buy a plot like THAT? Oh, wait...
CHICKS: Dude. Tifa. Breasts. Do I need to go into this further, or is that... that's good enough? Ok, cool. Really, there are no other chicks in the movie (Yuffie doesn't count, she looks like she's 12 and I'm not Japanese enough to find that attractive), but there don't have to be. Tifa alone makes this a plus category. It's just too bad Cloud displays the emotional depth of a lump of teak and never seems to notice how badly she wants him. Don't you just want to kick him sometimes?
Overall: I wanted to enjoy this more than I did. It was pretty to look at, the fight scenes couldn't have been done better (if this had been an hour and a half of fight scenes, it would've actually been more entertaining, and keep in mind that I don't like fighting anime), the music was Uematsu, and the voice acting wasn't deplorably bad. But really, this plot is terrible. By the standards of FF7 in particular (which had two of the best video game plot twists I can remember in any game), it leaves a lot to be desired. I know a lot of it is as a service to the (many) rabid FF7 fans, making it all the more appropriate that Captain Torringjan called it "Fangasm." But that's just not enough for me. For that reason, my final rating stands at 7.5/10.
IN A NUTSHELL:
+ It's just so purdy
+ Terrific music
+ Seamless and gorgeous fight scenes
+ Did I mention Tifa?
- Not enough of any character aside from Tifa, Cloud, and Vincent
- Whoever was in charge of coming up with the plot deserves a groin-punch
Rating: 7.5/10
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