KOI KOI SEVEN
The first anime I have ever filed a restraining order against
Review by: Craig “Something Fishy” Norris
Length: 13 episodes
Genre: Ecchi comedy, action
Watched: All, subbed
Koi (Cyprinus carpio) are colorful varieties of the common carp that began being bred for ornamental purposes in China and Japan during the Chinese Qing Dynasty (A.D. 1644-1911) and Japanese Yayoi Period (c. 300 B.C.–A.D. 250). They attained widespread popularity in Japan in 1914 when they were featured at an exhibit in Tokyo. Today, koi breeding is a large industry in both Japan and the United States, with certain varieties selling for thousands of dollars. They have influenced many facets of popular culture, lending their likenesses to everything from artwork, to clothing, to tattoos. This anime has nothing to do with the popular fish, but it still manages to stink like a dead one.
(Editor's note: I'd suggest that the "koi" referred to here is more the word for "love," although I will admit that I've not seen this series, nor do I have any intention of doing so because I've got better things to do with my freaking time.)
Plot synopsis: Tetsurou Tanaka has just transferred to Gokou Academy to finish his high school studies. This is very strange, since Gokou Academy is an all-girls school. No one seems to find any problem with the situation, however; in fact, Tetsurou becomes very popular with a group of girls who call themselves the Koi Koi Seven, especially the childlike Yayoi. But these are not ordinary girls; they are all cyborgs who have been given inhuman combat abilities. Tetsurou and the Koi Koi Seven tackle the rigors of high school life, as well as aggressive attacks from the elitist Gokou Committee, and come to learn their true purposes.
Artwork: The art is nothing remarkable. Character designs are very generic, and backgrounds are about average. Action scenes flow smoothly and have enough detail, but some of the footage gets recycled over and over. The animation does just enough to get by, which would be fine if this anime had anything else of value to offer.
Music: Aside from the incredibly catchy opening song, the soundtrack falls pretty flat. In fact, some of the music is downright insufferable. There was more than one time when I shook my head, wondering if what I was listening to was really the best thing the music department could come up with. And it seemed like the really bad music was the tracks that got used the most. That being said, even the soundtrack wasn’t the harshest thing about this anime.
Characters: THIS is the harshest thing about this anime. The characters are unimaginative archetypes ripped straight from other harem series. You have the innocent ditz, the tomboy, the quiet beauty, the weird girl, the otaku, the emotionless loli, the stuck-up rich girl and her cronies, and the hot teacher. I don’t think it’s that important to say who’s who here. The male lead isn’t much better; he is the useless but kindhearted dork that all the girls are inexplicably attracted to, including one of the main villains, the robotic Celonius Mark 28, whom I refer to as the Stalkertron 2000. Everyone who shows up in this anime is so ridiculously unoriginal that I should just refer you to other anime we’ve reviewed to explain the characters.
Plot: Not much here, folks. What little plot squeezed into the last couple of episodes is quickly buried by bouncing, jiggling, and hot schoolgirl-on-schoolgirl action. Normally that would get a rousing ovation from me, but damn, this was just overkill! Everywhere one turns, there are bikinis, pantyshots, gratuitous cleavage, and girls kissing girls, which all combine to make up about 90 percent of the total content. Way too high a percentage for an anime that isn’t a hentai. The other ten percent revolves around Tetsurou’s dad, who attempts to use one of his useless son’s female friends to open a gateway to another dimension in the hopes of being reunited with his deceased wife. Sounds familiar, doesn’t it? Instead of being developed with the same attention that was given to the most recognizable dick in anime history, he is largely swept under the rug for the first ten episodes until the producers decided that *something* had to happen. Until then prepare for pointless robot battles, over-the-top cheesecake, and screaming radishes. Yes, screaming radishes. Don’t ask.
CHICKS!: Quantity over quality seems to be the mantra for the chicks in this anime. There are quite a handful and they are (for the most part) easy on the eyes, but there was really nothing about any of them that made me like them. In fact, Yayoi annoyed the living shit out of me. Anyone who is that overtly stupid will be shunned by me regardless of how good they look, and I make very few exceptions to that rule. Satou and Yamada are the lesbian couple who provide most of the more hot-and-heavy fanservice moments, so all the yuri fans out there will have a reason to take their finger off the fast-forward button once in a while with this series. Everyone else, however, will get a severe thumb cramp after this one.
Overall: I’m in pain. Struggling through the end of this series was one of the most inhumane forms of self-torture that I have ever subjected myself to; and I have gone hunting in sub-zero temperatures. Unless you are a total masochist, I highly suggest you do not come within one hundred feet of this series. You will be much more satisfied by watching seven koi than by watching Koi Koi Seven.
IN A NUTSHELL
+ Fans of yuri rejoice!
- Plot is too little, too late.
- Characters I don’t give two shits about
- Music that makes my ears bleed
- Total rip-offs abound
Rating: 1.5/10
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