Why we're doing it!
M.H. and Black's Review Criteria:
Plot: Is the plot interesting to us, having seen something along the lines of 20 series collectively, partially or wholly? Is it original, as difficult as that concept seems to be in television anywhere? Is the plot complex, in that something along the lines of Hamtaro's fuzzball antics and DBZ's non-stop ass-whoop stare-fest are simple plot lines? On the other side of the coin, though, is the plot understandable, in that Neon Genesis Evangelion's overarching "I'm gonna tear my eyes out" mind-f@ck plot is incomprehensible?
Characters: Are the characters likable? Do their personalities make us laugh or detest them, depending on how they're supposed to be viewed by the audience? Are their characters evolving, or flat, lifeless characters? (note that the length of the series is taken into account, and in the case of extremely short series, character evolution is not emphasized as much) Are the character designs interesting and original, or are they bland and general? Are the relationships and interactions between characters believable and well-structured?
Chicks!: We, being warm-blooded, breathing, teenage guys, pay special attention to the chicks in an anime series. We also acknowledge that we aren’t the only ecchis out there (imagine, perverts watching anime! What’s the world coming to?!). And as such, we will take a little bit of space to evaluate the female specimens in the series/movie that we’re watching. What can we say? Did you expect anything else?
Okay, so we got some complaints from our female audience (all one of 'em) about our lack of guys in the reviews. So, in response, we're going to allow you gals out there to donate us Guys! sections to any reviews you want to write. 'Cause we sure as hell aren't. Feel free to be the drooling fangirls, just as we are drooling fanboys, and as long as it follows the review format, it'll get posted.
Writing quality: Is the anime well-written? Or is it L. Ron Hubbard-esque? Are the lines tightly written and fit together to convey the points made? Is the humor snappy and the drama pointed? Or is it cornier than a bag of Orville Redenbacher's? Do lines go nowhere and bury the meaning in incomprehensible depth (see, Angel's Egg)?
Artwork: Does the artwork look well-done consistently? Are colors used to set moods and assigned appropriately to characters or dropped haphazardly through the scenery? Is there a distinct monochrome about the movie- er- anime? (Angel's Egg, "Thinkin' of something blu-----e...") Is the scenery appropriate for the setting and plot? Does the series look like it was meant for or drawn by three-year-olds? (That's a bad thing, by the way) Does the drawing style match the mood for the anime? Do the visuals distract you from how crappy the anime may very well be? (That may be a good thing, by the way *cough* Blood: TLV*cough*). To demonstrate this, we'll post screenshots from the various animes along with the reviews.
Music: Similar criteria as artwork. Only audio instead of video.
Additional possible criteria: Quality of dub, is the dub true to the original subbed version (only available when a standard of comparison is available, no "cousins" references will receive favorable remarks); length of series, is the series appropriately long for the plot, should it have ended earlier, or should it have gone on longer to tie up loose ends?; voice quality, are the actors appropriate for the characters, dub and original, is the acting acceptable, dub and original? Or does the incomprehensible screeching leave you wishing that you had some Yoko Ono to drown the sound out?
Final Grade: Yeah, right here, we'll give the anime overall a grade that ranges from 10 to 0, 10 being a masterpiece that no reasonable, intelligent human being should ever be without, and 0 being "why did you even waste your time reading this review?" (the obvious answer being, "for a laugh").
The award!- we like letting people know when we don't like something. And when we find some anime like that, believe us, you will know it in one of two ways. Either, (a) you'll notice the scathing tone of the reviewer who's watched the series through their crafty use of sarcasm, veiled insults, and threats to health and happiness, or (b) you'll see the large, conspicuous logo at the top of the page, entitled the Golden Ass Award! This, ahem, prestigious award is only given out to series and movies that offend us on some deep moral or intellectual level, enough so that we thought we should give fair warning to any potential viewers. So far, only a few have recieved the award, but there will surely be more to follow as time passes. After all, there's something like twenty new anime series produced per year (eh, I'll be damned if I know any numbers), and not all of them can be good.
The rationale:
You know, we watch a lot of animes, Craig and I. I'd say we get a good five or six episodes per week, on average, of a new series through various means. And boy, do we spend a lot of time staring, gaping at our computer screens. We've got the grades to prove it!
Or not.
The point is, a fair many of these series, we try to find information about them before we watch them, as any responsible anime-consumer would. We'd rather not end up watching something crappy if we can avoid it. Unfortunately, for many less-known animes, the coverage is sparse to non-existent. So, we end up watching many *bad* anime series and movies. Our minds have been irreversibly scarred from such traumatizing experiences as watching Angel's Egg (a name which you will hear *very* frequently in the course of our reviews), or irreversibly changed for the better by watching such series as Ayashi no Ceres (*not* "Ceres, Celestial Legend," I don't even want to know how they butchered that one for the dub) and Cowboy Bebop (did we even need to say it?).
Meanwhile, the reviews that we have seen for some series, we had similar, if not identical, viewpoints of those reviews about the animes they were reviewing. So, we figure, "wow, now that's pretty interesting! Maybe we can do something to help stop these poor, unguided souls from going through the same sort of shit we have!" And hence, this project.
We will try not only to review mainstream, popular series, such as the series currently running on Cartoon Network or other TV channels, since that's how we got into this situation in the first place. We also wish to review lesser-known series that *haven't* gotten air time or haven't been translated yet. (Legality? Legality?! We don't need no stinking...). Eventually, we hope to provide a review archive that will provide for a fair majority of the average and otaku anime viewer's needs. And worry not; we'll try to include as few spoilers as is possible to get the point across.
Of course, one could say, "But why review series anyway? That just takes all the fun out of discovery!" Well, I suppose one could look at it as such. Then again, we're not professionals, and we'll be the first to admit it! Neither I, nor Craig have degrees in film or journalism. That means we can't provide the technical view that a movie critic could. I am not Siskel, nor is Craig Ebert (although we have been mistaken for them on dark nights while walking down long alleyways; just before we got mugged by a pair of paparazzi). We can, however, say how two ordinary Joes view these shows. You don't have to take our opinions at face value, nor do you have to agree with us. Everyone's entitled to their opinion, no matter how wrong it may be. If you liked something we hated, we'll just call you goddamn insane and go about our business.
Now, all that being said, go ahead and take a look at what we've got, and see if any of them help you out. Feel free to E-mail us with comments about how wrong we are, and how you liked such-and-such anime or thought that *blah* was a horrible, wretched, despicable, disgusting, disturbing, pointless, insulting, fragging, loathsome piece of crap that you wouldn't wish on *insert random political enemy here*. Or, you could even tell us stuff like "U GUYZ ROK! ME LIKE CARTUNE!" and we'll appreciate that. We might not understand it, but we'll appreciate any feedback we get. We'd prefer well-structured, grammatically-correct feedback, though. Please. If you sincerely feel the need, go ahead and send me (M.H.) a review of your own, and I'll consider posting it along with the others, credited to you, of course. That action, however, is dependent on how helpful the review is, how thorough it is, and how many times it makes me spit my cola out in laughter. Trust me, it isn't that hard, sometimes.
Anyway, go on! Read! Hopefully, you'll like!
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