Hi this is a quick little story by Kaoru Nagisa. It's coming at you
in the form of a trilogy. The next and last will be out soon. E-mail
me at kaorunagisa@yahoo.com Alright more social tactlessness in this
episode. You might get all these jokes better if you're into pop
culture. Everyone have fun and e-mail me all of your flames and
complaints and stuff. Also I have this little series, called EvaLeSs
that you might wanna check out. It's page is located at
http://animation.acmecity.com/blotter/186 It has original pics and
stuff so sign my guestbook when ya get there. Also check out Tabris
Enterprises at http://www.geocities.com/Tokyo/Shrine/5392, we where
just offered a free homepage and stuff, but enough with that on to
the story. Tabris Enterprises presents...
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Apathetic Drama Queen
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Rei Ayanami was in the mighty grip of Asuka-Barby Soryu.
Asuka: Answer this question, thereby possibly proving that you are not
completely stupid. And I might spare your life. When you wear and orange
sweater, what is the only color that is not exceptable, red or blue?
Rei: Um...blue.
Asuka: WRONG! Every moron knows thatred and pink and orange are colors that
contradict each other and therefore can only be worn by themselves or with
a neutral such as white or black or MAYBE brown. Blue is one of the more
acceptabel colors to where with orange not red...!
Shinji: Oh, please don't fight! Resorting to violence is such a male
paradigm! Act like sisters not like misters!
Pen-Pen: You, mister WAY too senesitive...you might've failed to notice
but you are in fact, a MALE. Sorry.
Shinji: And I apologize for that everyday of my life!
Asuka: ...so quite obvoiously compared to my powerful intelect and
perfect fashion sense you are nothing but a blithering BAKA! And now I
shall make sure you blither no more.
Asuak prepared to slice Rei again when suddenly a cigarette flew across
Asuka's hand and a male voice called to her.
Voice: you must release the unfiltered warrior within you!
Asuka: Huh?
Voice: Take it from me Tuxedo Angel. Now I must bid you fairwell.
Rei: I dont believe this...SAILOR MOON GETS THE HANDSOME AND MYSTERIOUS
TUXEDO MASK, BUT I GET KAORU DRESSED IN A FRICKIN RENTED TUXEDO?!
Asuka: More proof of you incontrovertible inferiority, I'd say!
Asuka prepared to crush Rei's head with a slam of her foot. Rei narrowly
escaped.
Rei: Hey Fairy God Penguin, don't I have some powers?
Pen-Pen: Uh, well, yeah...well here take your magic wand and point it
and say soemthign completely heinous. The stupider that better!
Rei: I'm on it...Hey you animated masturbatory aid wrap your intellect
around this! TRIPENDICULAR ATTACK OF FUNKY FUNKYFRESH JAPANESE DIVA!!!
As Rei yelled light shot out of her er, wand and blasted Asuka to
nothing. Of course Asuka screamed and vaporized into different
direction as most villains who are killed by wands do.
Shinji: You were like a symbol of female empowerment!
Pen-Pen: How do you spell 'kickass'? A-Y-A-N-A-M-I!
Rei smiled widely taking in her addualtion as she noticed a phone near
her was ringing. She looked at it and beagn to sweat. She walked and
slowly picked up the phone.
Rei: Hello?
Woman: Hello, you're on the line with Dr. Ritsuko Akagi. What's your
question for me, Rei?
Rei: I don't have a question...
Ritsuko: Then why did you call me?
Rei: I didn't call you.
Ritsuko: Yeah, tell me anything. How old are you?
Rei: I'm 14 years old.
Pen-Pen: Yo, psst! You were 14 in 1997 when the show was aired. I would
presume that you have aged over the last two years. Then again
technically you were born in 2000, so you're not really born in real
time. Perhaps you should say you're -1.
Rei: I'm actually not sure how old I am. Either 16, 14 or -1.
Ritsuko: Are you having any boy problems?
Rei: Actually yes, my boyfriend is usually a prince. He then got
zapped by that bossy class rep. girl adn now he's a she.
Ritsuko: Did you try pouring hot water on him?
Rei: No, but that's just STUPID.
Ritsuko: Well what makes him so princely? Is he say honest and respectful
to you?
Rei: Well er, sorta...when he was on me and I was naked he didn't do
anything.
Ritsuko: Is he the stablle type that you can start a family with?
Rei: Well not really, I don't think he's too sure of himself, he does
make me smile.
Ritsuko: That's nice, but what about him do you like?
Rei: He's a big improvement on my other boyfriends.
Ritsuko: You had boyfriends?
Rei: Well, I am 16/14/-1, and going into high school. Well there was
Zeshin who was pathetically obsessed with that annoying rock of th 90's.
Then there was Tatewaki, the king of all denial. I caught him in bed with
a girl and you know what he said, he said 'Chill out Rei, this isn't
what it looks like, really. Though if it were what it looks like it
would be justified since you ain't giving me any.' Then there was
Mitsuru, probable alcoholic jackass #1. Oh and then their was Katsuhiro
the fetish boy who was SO enthralled with my uniform and my saddle
shoes and white socks. That's why I wear black socks now. Then there was
Yuuji, probable alcoholic #2. He actually had more than one substance
abuse problem. Oh and let's not forget Yusuke, the goth/vampire wannabe
eyeliner and lipstick guy. He taught me to never trust a man with more
makeup than you. Of course I can't forget Ngumo, that boy who looked
suspiciously like Goro from Neon Genesis Evagelion: R, he once said
to me 'ya know babe...when you're going down on me, y'seem like you're
not enjoying yourself y'know? Couldn't you act like you're into it and
make sum 'num-num' noises or something.
Ritsuko: Gee Ms. Ayanami, those peoepl don't speak to well of your own
character.
Rei: It's not my fault they were all...creeps.
Rei's sentence was said slowly due to the oncoming of the said freaks
beginning to surround her.
Rei: Those guys I just told you about are surrounding me...
Ritsuko: You always get to be the star when you manufacture drama
like this, don't you Rei?
Rei: I'm not joking they're really coming after me.
Shini: I-I'm scared...
Suddenly all of Rei's old boufriends began to attack her, each was
splurring out their own witicisms that fit their described character.
Then Rei realized something.
Rei: WAITA sec! I just realized I never went out with any of these
guys at all. I don't know where the heck I ever got the impression
that I did. I don't even know these guys. I think I overheard Soryu
and Horaki talking about them. They're probably they're ex-boyfriends.
Rei, Pen-Pen and Shinji began walking away.
Rei: Like I would go out with a person with skin more pale then mine.
Pen-Pen: Word of explanation, our magical heroine hasn't realized she's
in a dream, with the typically nonsensical "dream logic" and all that...
Rei and her band was walking around the mall when they happened into
a music store.
Shinji: What ar we here for?
Rei: Don't worry, I doubt any major evil is lurking and I wanna find
that mega rare American release only No Doubt CD.
Touji: Typical your music taste is as to the curb as your super hero
costume. You're so sad, you're only one step away from...ADULT
CONTEMPORARY!
Rei: According to you my entire value as a human being is based on
how non-commercial my favorite bands are.
Touji: Damn straight doll, and based on your awful taste in music
your human value is ZILCH!!!
Pen-Pen: HOLD IT! Time out for a refreshing pose break.
Rei: Yay!
Well I told ya about al that available Rei art, if you wanna see
some Toui art, try going to that Fourth CHild PAge under the
Evangelion links at Anime Web Turnpike.
Pen-Pen: Good posing kids, now you can go back to the imminent fight
scene now.
Touji: HOw about how you lapped up every chick act? For instance the
fury of Alanis, the Canadian repackaged as anger chick!
Rei jumped out of the way of one of Touji's blasts. Wait since
when can Touji blast? Ah well, story continuity must prosper.
Touji: Then you swalloed Gwen Stefani and Fiona Apple...Paula Cole
and Natalie Imbruglia...
Rei: Don't pin Paula Cole on me. It's not my fault Dawson's Creek
chose such an annotying theme song. And besides what are you talkign
about, we live in the 2020's, not the 1990's! I detest Paul Cole as
all right thinking citizens should! AWE INSPIRING CD RACK ATTACK!
Rei wielded her wand to throw out a blast of her own.
Touji: And mad of your other musical opinions are suspect! You
also expressed no preference for the Indigo girls when they were
just grotesquely overrated rather than grotesquely oveplayed, and
you remained suspiciously quiet during that whole Spice Girl
atrocity.
Touji blasted Rei's wand from her hand.
Touji: I offered to make you a compilation tape of GOOD music,
but you didn't listen, did you?
Rei: Uh, I just heard that your fave band of bands 10,000 maniacs
are back together.
Touji: WHAAAAT?
Rei: Yeah and I read it on the internet so it HAS to be true.
Touji: Oh happy day! The nightmare of her solo career is over!
10,000 MANIACS LIVES!
Rei: Sucker, 10,000 Maniacs are over buddy! She's NEVER coming back!
Rei took this time of Touji's sadness to thwack him repeatedly
with her wand.
Pen-Pen: Remind me not to make fun of Imbruglia in front of her.
Shinji: Feel her womynrage, sexy boy with the bad hair cut!
To Be Concluded!
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How did you guys like that one? I hope you thought it was good. I had fun
writing it. Just 1 more part to go. This is just a little something
for everybody (I hope) E-mail me at kaorunagisa@yahoo.com Keep the feedback
coming. I hope I get alot of it. Please e-mail me, cyber space can get
lonely! See ya soon!
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