Date: Wed, 24 Feb 1999 22:33:32 -0500 (EST)
From: ef991@freenet.carleton.ca (Donna P. Liston)
To: agodel@ummagurau.com
Subject: Fanfic submission
Reply-To: ef991@freenet.carleton.ca
Please put this story in your Evangelion archive. Thank-you!
Notes: I have no idea where this story came from or where it
went to, but I like it. That is your warning. Don't read if
you are offended by anything. This ain't loveable. Apologies
to U2.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Eva After
In God's Country
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Throw A Stone
Asuka quietly trudged through the Barren Lands. Over her
head, she delicately clutched a piece of shrapnel, to
reflect the sun off and protect her from it's rays.
Finally, she reached her destination and descended into
the heart of her world. A small cave that she and Shinji had
painstakingly dug, and were still in the process of digging.
They were trying to get to the geo-front.
Asuka was pretty sure that everything had been destroyed
but them, however Shinji clung to the belief that if they
only reached in far enough, they could find remains of what
was once civilisation.
In the dim light of the cave, it was much cooler. She sighed
contentedly and left the shrapnel near the entrance.
"Asuka?" came Shinji's voice from far below, echoing up to
her slightly distorted.
"No idiot, it's the Bogeyman!" she cried, sarcastic as
usual. "Who else does he think it would be?" she grunted as
she continued to descend.
There Shinji knelt, almost in worship, before the wall of
dirt and rock. He was holding something small in his hands,
grinning impishly.
"What, did you actually find something?" she murmured
tiredly, scratching her sunburnt arm.
He smiled brightly and proudly placed a small slightly shiny
object in her hand. She gazed down at it for a moment,
trying to remember.
"Whaaa?"
"It's a 50 yen piece!" he announced.
"Ohh. Right. Wooow." Asuka said, unenthused.
He snatched it back. "Fine, if you don't like it I'll keep
it!" he cried indignantly.
Asuka's eyes softened slightly. "Sorry. It's great! Maybe we
can jog down to a convenience store and buy some shrimp! I
wish."
Shinji looked stunned. She was being nice? Then he smiled
and chuckled slightly. "I guess it's pretty stupid."
Asuka grinned almost kindly. "I wonder if we can find
something in this rock to fashion a crib out of."
"Huuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhh????"
Asuka frowned, and then yelled "I'm pregnant you idiot!"
Shinji fell over, and stared at her in surprise.
"But . . . You mean . . . How?" he gasped.
Asuka rolled her eyes. "Geez are you stupid or what? If two
people have sex like every night, it's bound to happen
sometime."
Shinji became a brilliant shade of red. He tried to look
innocent. "But we're . . . we're only sixteen . . . are you
sure?"
She smirked and nodded.
Shinji pulled his knees up to his chest and buried his face
in his hands. "This isn't the kind of world I want my
children to grow up in . . ." he murmured into his scrawny
arms.
Asuka grabbed his face by the chin and pulled it up to meet
hers. "Then I guess you'd just better change the world
before he gets here!" she whispered harshly.
"He?" said Shinji softly.
Asuka nodded. "I know him. I feel sick again." she released
his face and hurried outside.
"I'm going to have . . . a son?" said Shinji in
bewilderment, staring up into the darkness that was the
ceiling of the cave.
Fly me to the moon
And let me play among the stars
Let me see what Spring is like
On Jupiter and Mars
In other words, hold my hand
In other words, darling, kiss me!
Fill my heart with song
And let me sing forevermore
You are all I long for
All I worship and adore
In other words, please be true!
In other words, I love you!
Asuka was singing softly as she rubbed her bulging waist.
It was a quiet evening, as always. The only sound was her
voice drifting around the room of stone. It echoed oddly,
almost as if someone else was singing with her.
Shinji carefully dragged a container he had fashioned out of
bits of Evangelion. It was filled with LCL fluid.
He stopped and breathed deeply, regarding his arms angrily.
"Why don't you get some muscle already? I work you hard
enough!"
He groaned and sat down. He was almost at the cave, but he
was too exhausted to move.
He stared at the fluid. Their only source of nutrients. It
was disgusting every time he thought about it. He'd often
contemplated wether he was eating Misato or one of the
others, but that only led to other horrible thoughts.
"They'd understand." he said hoarsely, twirling his index
finger in the fluid and sucking it off.
He turned suddenly when he heard something. "Ayanami?"
It was a faint song sprouting up from the depths of the
earth. He placed his ear to the ground. The song was
stronger now. "No . . . not Ayanami, it must be Asuka. But
but . . . I've never heard her sing . . . like that . . ."
He listened in silence, savouring the sound. It was like a
message in a bottle, reminding him of some faraway land.
He was so lucky to have lived there. And yet the whole time
he'd been consumed by tragedy and his rather unoriginal
teenage angst.
"What a fool I was." he said quietly as the song ended.
What he would do just to be at the table, watching Misato
get drunk and grumbling at Pen Pen. He was starting to
forget. Did that really happen? Were these people real? It
had been just he and Asuka, for so long.
He looked down at his lower legs, coated with dust. Brushing
away the grit, he reread the names once again.
Misato Katsuragi
Ryouji Kaji
Gendou Ikari
Yui Ikari
Rei Ayanami
Kaworu Nagisa
Tohji Suzuhara
down the left leg.
Kensuke Aida
Hikari Horaki
Ritsuko Akagi
Shigeru Aoba
Maya Ibuki
Makoto Hyuga
Kozo Fuyutsuki
down the right leg.
It had been quite a while since he had engraved these names
into himself. Asuka had said he was nuts. He had been.
Every time he ate, he would add another name. Written in
blood, a perhaps permanent reminder that these people had
lived.
Asuka had been very angry at him, she thought it was very
stupid to intentionally injure himself. Especially since
most of them he barely knew. But it was all he could do, she
didn't understand.
She had once tried to make a sarcastic comment about Kaworu
not being a real person, and not even being in the LCL.
Shinji had slapped her for that.
After some time, she'd gotten used to it, taking a special
liking to the "Ryouji Kaji" etching.
Shinji didn't exactly regret that he had done this. For now,
it was like he was a breathing cemetery. It gave him a small
sense of purpose.
He thought of his future children and smiled slightly. There
was a reason for living, there always was.
And he could change the world, for their sakes if not his
own.
Shatter Something Somewhere
A small boy, pale beyond his mother's white skin, grinned
and placed his little chubby hands against a wall, tracing
the texture of the wood with his hands.
Asuka yawned, bored with the child's exploration. She had
promised herself she'd never have children, and she recalled
once again why. Annoying, clingy, dependent. She hated it.
She loathed how much of her life was dominated by it. It was
just a little boy, not unlike a helpless puppy. Kaworu had
no self control. And why had they named it Kaworu, anyway?
Because they couldn't remember very many names from that
other, ancient land.
She'd instantly refused the propositions of Ryouji and
Tohji, and since Shinji had stopped retracing the names, the
engravings on his leg had started to fade. He remembered
Kaworu very well however, and forever. Asuka had decided to
let him have it. Perhaps she gave in to Shinji's wishes too
often now.
"Mama?"
"What d'ya want now?" moaned Asuka, her pointed chin resting
on her hand.
"Hug me now!" cried the boy.
"I'm tired Kaworu-chan." she mumbled, fiddling with her
hair.
"Mama, why can't you love me like daddy does?" the boy asked
simply, as if he were asking what time of day it was.
"Because I'm not daddy, and I don't love people as a rule."
grunted Asuka, not entirely paying attention.
"You don't even love daddy?" queried Kaworu.
Asuka smirked. "Only on the rarest of occasions."
Little Kaworu pouted and kicked at the floor. "Do you hate
me, mama?" he whimpered.
Asuka studied her son for a moment, and let out a low groan.
He looked more like her than Shinji, with bright blue eyes
and flamboyant, unruly hair.
"I guess not. You're a good boy Kaworu-chan. Mama's just
REALLY tired today. Why don't you go play outside? I think
Rei is on the swing - you should push her."
Kaworu nodded and scurried outside, the screen door slamming
shut behind him. A mosquito landed on Asuka's knee and she
swatted at it.
"Stupid Shinji. Why did he bother to include the insects?"
she grumbled, letting herself slide off of her chair onto
the ground. She patted her stomach. Yet again. She was
really getting sick of it. Two was enough. There was one
thing she remained absolutely set upon. This one she would
name! She would not give in to Shinji's stupid ideas once
again. He always came up with the most retarded names for
children. What had she been thinking, letting him name HER
little girl after that clone bitch?
Yes, this would be her revenge on him, for all the pain he'd
caused her. If it was a boy, its name would be . . .
Two Months Later:
"Bono?" Asked Shinji, confused.
"That's right." grimaced Asuka. "After U2's vocalist."
Shinji stared at her, uncertain if she was serious. "Who's
Youtoo?"
Asuka stared back at him, her mouth wide open. "You
uneducated idiot!" she laughed riotously.
"I don't know about that, just because I've never been to
Germany."
"You are so stupid! U2's Irish! I just happen to like them
better than KMFDM, that's all."
"Huh?" Shinji was completely lost in this conversation, and
the newborn baby in his arms was wailing.
Asuka sighed and scratched her head. "Umm, have you ever
heard of X-Japan?"
Shinji thought for a moment. "Yeah! My mother was always
playing that annoying song when I was very little! Forever
Love, over and over . . . no wonder my father "accidentally"
broke the CD player . . ."
"Anyway, U2 is sort of like them, but with better fashion
taste and actual musical skill . . ."
"Oh. Okay. If that's what you want."
Asuka sighed, discontented that it had been so easy. Shinji
placed the baby in her arms. "Hi Bono." she said, and then
yawned. The baby started to scream once again.
Six years later:
"And that's how your name was decided upon, squirt." Asuka
smiled brightly at the child who was curled up on her knees.
"Does that mean I'm special, mama?"
"Yes you are, because you were named after a real human
being instead of some queer angel guy or a doll-clone."
Bono giggled. "You say weird words!"
Asuka smiled and laughed in contentment. "I guess I do. I'm
becoming eccentric in my old age." She hugged her child.
Around a doorway, a young preteen was listening. Kaworu
frowned. "Queer?" he murmured, unfamiliar with the word.
Kaworu wandered past his sister's room, wanting to talk, but
discovered she was crying about her plight as a tortured
twelve-year-old who nobody could possibly understand. He let
her be and instead stood in the doorway of his father's
room.
Shinji was at his desk as usual, scribbling away madly. Most
likely he was preparing the children's lessons for the next
day. They were learning two written languages, Japanese and
German. Neither language had anything in common with the
other, which made it all the more difficult for the kids to
learn.
Kaworu cleared his throat and Shinji calmly placed his
pencil down. "Kaworu-chan, what do you want to talk about?"
Shinji rotated his chair away from the high varnish mahogany
desk. Kaworu fidgeted. Shinji smiled slightly, trying to be
reassuring. Meanwhile, inside Shinji was thinking: *I really
shouldn't have named him Kaworu. He's starting to look like
Kaworu-kun . . .* Shinji promptly let that train of thought
derail and crash into the bunker-house before it could
progress any further. He forced himself to smile wider.
"Dad, what does Queer mean?" asked Kaworu innocently, as was
his tendency.
"What? Where did you hear that?" said Shinji, becoming
somewhat jittery.
"Mother said that I was named after some queer angel guy."
Shinji groaned, leaning back in his chair and rubbing his
hands over his face.
*Asuka, I never thought you were homophobic.*
To Kaworu, he said "Queer means strange or bizarre. I think
your mother was using it by it's other definition though."
"Which is?" prodded Kaworu.
"A boy who likes another boy the way I like your mother is
queer. Or gay, or more technically homosexual. But there is
nothing wrong with that. You see, in your mom's country they
had some problems accepting people like that. However, not
so here in Japan. It doesn't matter one way or the other,
and it really never did. Unlike the rest of the world."
"Oh." said Kaworu.
They were quiet for a few moments.
"Why am I named after one?" asked Kaworu.
Shinji squirmed slightly. "You're named after an old friend
of mine, Kaworu Nagisa. I only knew him for a short time,
but he gave his life so that I could live . . ." Shinji was
being pulled away, caught up in wistful memories that had
been glorified and beautified over long years.
"Did you love him?"
"I believe so." said Shinji, almost dreamily.
"Like you love mother?"
Shinji instantly snapped back to reality. "Maybe." he
answered warily.
"Like you love me?"
"No."
"Oh." Kaworu seemed confused, and scratched his neck.
The conversation seemed to have died, as Kaworu had gotten
his answer and succeeded in making his father very
uncomfortable.
Shinji breathed a slight sigh of relief as Kaworu went out
of the doorway. However, directly outside of the door, the
boy stopped.
"Dad?"
"Uhh-huh?" muttered Shinji, now semi-engrossed in his kanji.
"I think I'm queer too." said Kaworu. He then disappeared
before Shinji could formulate a response.
When Shinji finally formulated a response, it was merely one
word, and none-too earth shattering or psychological.
"Shit."
Asuka was walking along the edge of the river, staring up at
the mighty evergreen trees. Hundreds and thousands of years
older than they could possibly be. A city had stood here.
She glanced at the child who was clutching at her hand. Her
favourite one. Asuka felt slightly guilty for favouring this
child over her others, but she couldn't help it. This kid
was perfect, in her mind.
Bono didn't whine or say stupid things. He was fascinated by
everything Asuka did, seeking wisdom in her movements and
words. Who wouldn't be flattered? Who wouldn't love someone
so splendid?
Further down the river, she saw a figure hunched over the
water. The contours of this being she had memorized, and she
could tell that something was wrong.
She let go of Bono's hand and told him to go back to the
house. He obeyed without question.
"Shinji . . ." said Asuka, surprisingly softly. She had been
about to ask the atypical *What's wrong?* but knowing how
secretive he was, she asked instead: "Are you stupid?"
Shinji looked up at her in surprise, and smiled painfully.
He whisked her down so she was sitting on his lap.
(Incredibly heavy she was, too, considering her "fragile
condition")
He stroked the side of her face and sighed. "Asuka, I just
realised that they're really growing up . . ."
Asuka shrugged. "Well, that's okay . . . we've got another
one on the way, huh?" she patted to her stomach.
Suddenly he rested his face on her shoulder, hiding in her
hair. "They are eventually going to want to have their own
children and lovers you realise . . . "
Asuka squirmed under the weight of this new aspect. "I
honestly hadn't thought of that." she murmured into his
neck.
"What are we going to do?"
Asuka shook her head slightly, which is all she could
manage. "Nothing. Let them decide for themselves."
Shinji pulled away from her, dumping her on the ground.
"That's easy for you to say!" he cried, ashamed. Barely
audible he whispered "Your son doesn't want to be your . . .
lover."
Asuka stood up, now furious. "That's disgusting! I thought
you meant Rei and Kaworu, which is bad enough! That's just
too gross . . ." she yelped, somehow condemning him as if it
was his fault.
"Don't act like it's my fault!" croaked Shinji, also
becoming angry. "Maybe he's like that because you're such a
bitch you turned him off women completely!"
"WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?!?" screamed Asuka, punching him in
the head.
"You heard me!" growled Shinji, now on his knees and
clutching his nose. Asuka kicked him in the stomach in rage.
Shinji fell to the ground, the gentle blades of grass
tickling his tortured skin.
Asuka grabbed him around the neck. "You're such an asshole,
Shinji! Why do I have to live with you!?"
"Go on, kill me then. See if I care. It makes you feel
powerful doesn't it? I remember . . ." he choked, crimson
trickling down from his mouth.
"Why shouldn't I? You've hurt me often enough!" argued
Asuka, although her hands were losing their grip and she was
withdrawing at the same time.
"I haven't hit you in years, Asuka." said Shinji, gingerly
sitting up.
"I wish you did." she grunted, rubbing her hands together
softly.
"You've been pregnant most of the time, I wouldn't want to
hurt the child." said Shinji.
"Whose fault is that?!?" scolded Asuka.
"Oh, excuse me! If I remember correctly it takes two to . ."
"SHUT-UP! Just shut up! I've listened to you for years now,
and you never have anything interesting to say!"
"Even if I did you'd never hear it because you don't listen
to anybody but yourself!" retorted Shinji, holding his ribs
together. Perhaps she had broken them? No, that would hurt
more.
Asuka became suddenly quiet and calm, much more frightening
and dangerous than any form of rage.
"Asuka . . ."
She cut him off with the slight movement of her hand,
staring at him steadily. Evenly, her voice incredibly sure,
she said the words that had been burning inside for eons.
"Shinji. I hate you. I hate you even more than I hate
myself. Good-bye."
She then walked away, leaving him alone.
"But . . . I need you." he mumbled. The only interesting
words he had to say, and she'd missed them.
Tracing Kindness
Shinji was in the depths of the earth, the futile dig he had
abandoned years ago, for the children's sake.
Cautiously, he sat down on the edge of a large rock, drawing
his knees up to his chin. Even in middle age, he remained
flexible enough to do such a thing.
He desperately desired someone to talk to. A shadow
flickered on the wall.
"Kawo - " but then he stopped. He didn't want lengthily
psychoanalysis from his beloved. He needed someone who could
speak simply, so as not to strain Shinji's overworked brain.
"Hey Shinji, what's up?" said Tohji smoothly, leaning
against a cavern wall where a shadow had flickered only a
few moments earlier.
"Asuka left me." Shinji murmured into his knees.
Tohji rubbed his chin in thought. "I dunno what you see in
her."
Shinji groaned. "Neither do I, but she's the most important
person in the world to me."
Tohji shrugged. "Then make her come back."
"How? She never listens to me . . ."
Tohji cut him off, smirking slightly. "Woh, and you're not
listening to me. You know what will bring her back."
"But how could I?"
"It's a lot easier than you think. And if you don't want to,
then don't bug me, okay?" muttered Tohji in his thick
kansai-ben.
"You were never this cruel to me before, Tohji." grunted
Shinji, hearing the distaste in his former friends voice.
"I wasn't dead before." said Tohji simply. "And I didn't see
what a jerk you are."
"But why . . ." protested Shinji.
"Think about it, man. It really sucks when one of your
friends decides you're not worthy of being resurrected. When
your friend is too damn LAZY to . . ."
"That's not fair! I didn't bring anyone back! Not Kaworu-kun
or Kensuke, or Misato-san or Ayanami-"
"Yeah, because you're too DAMN LAZY! Instead you decided to
create these new lives, sorta like us, but more agreeable to
you, and easier for you to shape in your image. You really
think you're some god or something-"
"SHUT UP!!!" Shinji screamed, and Tohji vanished.
Well, it didn't matter. It wasn't truly Suzuhara anyway. He
wouldn't have said such things . . . he was a friend . . .
"If I ever had friends." croaked Shinji, resting his damp
face on the worn knees of his pants.
He studied his hands in the pale light, tracing the lines
that foretold his fate. However, he had never learned to
read palms, so they were as meaningless as the crease lines
on his neck or the wrinkles forming at the corner of his
eyes.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
If freedom's an open mind
Then love is an open heart
Love has its own designs
Love's blind.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dead. Her son was dead. The only person she had ever loved
unconditionally was swaying ever so slightly from a maple
branch. Not unlike a goose hanging in the window of a
grocery in Chinatown. You could barely tell what was blood
and what were violent crimson leaves coating the ground.
"Not even I could stand you." his frail little forms
movements seemed to whisper. "No one can bear living with
you. How can you even wonder why we kill ourselves?"
And then her mother's laughter squeaked and hummed through
wood and air.
"Not again! Not again!" Asuka screamed, dropping to her
knees and throwing her head to the ground. Her hair also
blended well with the beautiful autumn foliage. Strangest
thoughts strike people in situations such as this one, thus
Asuka muttered into the damp earth "Since when do the leaves
change colour?" She had seen pictures of this kind of thing
once, hadn't she? No, it was too bizarre. The entire forest
was mourning with her, leaves dying in vibrant bursts of
blood or fire, then falling and curling into brown corpses
on the earth.
She stood again. Although she had collapsed to the ground,
willing to cry over her most cherished sons' death, she had
forgotten one thing. She couldn't cry anymore.
For she knew who was truly responsible.
"Shinji! Bastard -"
The woods shivered and churned around the corpse, making it
dance a gig as its mother left, not even bothering to cut
the boy down.
When she was gone, the forest and child ceased to exist.
And the world she travelled through, barely noticed in her
fury, began to exist.
"It's so unfair." murmured Shinji into his knees, liking the
way he had returned to his tragic airs. He certainly was no
longer a traumatised young man, but he could do his best to
become a bitter old man. That was the closest he could get
to that innocent creature he had once been. "Pathetic." he
cried.
A hand resting on his shoulder stirred him from his dismal
gratification. "Father." said Kaworu simply.
Shinji smiled painfully and patted his son's hand.
"It's getting kind of late. We should go back to the house.
Rei-chan is worried about you." said Kaworu generically,
trying to comfort his father with a deception of normality.
"Thank-you Kaworu-chan. However, I think I'll be staying
here for a while, okay?"
Kaworu's brow furrowed. "May I stay with you?"
Shinji breathed deeply, understanding the significance of
this situation.
"All right." he finally uttered.
It was about at this time that Rei Ikari ceased to exist.
There was only so much a weak creator could control at a
time, and he simply forgot. As Rei had been doing some
generic thing and had no real depth of character to speak
of, it did not matter too much. Poor, cheaply manufactured
doll. Not unlike the original, whatever that was.
When Asuka returned to the cavern of her teenage years, she
found Shinji simply sitting near the entrance. He had waited
very patiently for her, knowing that this was where they
would meet.
Shinji seemed almost normal, his dark hair basking in the
glow of the sun, his face smiling slightly.
"I knew you would come back." he said softly.
Asuka tried to hang onto her rage, but it was very
exhausting. After so many years of being angry, she couldn't
summon the desire to kill the man who had murdered her son.
"There was nothing else to do." It was then that she noticed
the colour of Shinji's hands. Stained red, like the autumn
leaves, throbbing with the blood of so many. Their children
and the world that had gone before.
Shinji noticed her eyes and smiled brightly. "Out, out
damned spot." he murmured, assuming that Asuka had read
Macbeth.
She cocked her head to one side, her bangs falling into her
eyes. "So, you had your way with him and killed him. Did you
even love him?"
Shinji's eyes saddened. "I loved Kaworu-chan in my concept
of what love is. I cared for him as much as I could
possibly, considering that he came from me."
Asuka smiled nastily. "So, you played favourites, just like
me. What a sick family we were."
"Yes." said Shinji wistfully.
Asuka cackled "Pathetic God, you don't even know what you
want. You build these worlds just to tear them down again."
"And don't you do the same thing?" he replied, equally as
snide.
Asuka grinned, her blue eyes sparkling with some strange
inner joy and victory. "I wouldn't know, Shinji. I'm not the
one writing this story. Try it again, and I might even learn
to like you this time."
Shinji looked up from his desk, surprised.
"What?"
"Try it again, baka-Shinji! This story sucks. Make a new
one. Preferably where I get Kaji." she slapped him in the
head.
"Ow! Asuka you're such a - How many times do I have to do
this?! I'm tired!"
"Until you get it right!" she screamed.
Shinji's eyes softened, filled with some emotion that could
never be expressed. "Well, until the end of time if it will
make you happy, Asuka."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sad eyes crooked crosses . . . In God's Country.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Comments to: ef991@freenet.carleton.ca
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