Okay! Thanks . . . (I'm just paranoid about my fics ^-^;;)
Anyways, here it is in all it's glory . . .
Title is "The End is the Beginning is The End."
It's a bizarre story, but I don't know what rating it would be.
Probably PG-13 or something . . .
Author is: Me! Donna Liston.
Thanks again! I hope there aren't any problems. (I am not very
computer-oriented.)
Bye
Donna
(cue scary intro music.)
NEON GENESIS EVANGELION
Imagine that . . .
. . . Kaworu kept up his masquerade as a human somehow to
stay near the one he loves . . .
. . . the dummy plug decided that it really likes Tohji,
and so pulled him out of Eva 03 unscathed, before killing
the angel . . .
. . . Asuka didn't go nuts . . .
. . . The angels keep attacking in larger numbers . . .
. . . Nerv needs more pilots . . .
The End is the Beginning is the End
(not the Smashing Pumpkins song)
Chapter One: Angels Attack (well, that's original)
Rei Ayanami, the second incarnation, walked quietly down a
corridor in NERV. She was dressed in her school uniform and
had her plug suit draped over one arm. She ran her card
through a small computer and the door slid open.
"Hi Rei." said Hikari.
Ayanami nodded and proceeded to change her clothes.
Asuka bounded into the girls changing room. "What do you
think you're doing?" cried Asuka.
"Umm . . . we're changing our clothes . . ." said
Hikari, pulling on a leg of her green evangelion pilot
uniform.
"Don't do it there, Hikari! The boys can see right
through this screen . . . " she raised her voice as she
pointed at the partition. "I bet THAT PERVERT IKARI IS
CHECKING US OUT RIGHT NOW!"
"I AM NOT!!!" came a protest from the other side of the
screen.
"Oh as if, you pervert! I bet you and Suzuhara are . . ."
"As if I'd want to check out someone like YOU!" cried
Tohji.
"Don't make me come over there!" screamed Asuka.
"Oh, we know you want to, and you're calling US,
perverts?" came Tohji's reply.
"Please stop shouting." came a soft voice.
"OH GREAT, Nagisa is over there too? What is this, the
PERVERT convention?"
"Soryuu-san, I can assure you that I and Shinji have no
interest in looking at any of you. He's too busy checking
me out."
"Ohhh GROSS!" cried Asuka dramatically.
"Kaworu-kun!" hissed Shinji, a brilliant shade of red.
"And as for Suzuhara-san, he's too focussed on Horaki-
san's silhouette to be bothered with you."
"I am not." muttered Tohji, turning away from the partition
and wiping some blood from his nose.
"Thanks a lot you jerk! Now Hikari's all embarrassed!"
"I am not." muttered Hikari.
Hikari and Asuka both turned as the door closed. Rei had
come and gone without a word.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Swear to Lilith, Rei will get a character arc of some kind
sometime!" cried the author, determined.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"We need more pilots." said Gendo Ikari.
"Well duh." said Kozo Fuyutsuki.
Gendo glared at him and turned to Ritsuko. "Are there any
more suitable pilots?"
"I don't know" hissed Ritsuko "Are there?"
Gendo shook his head. "I am very displeased with both of
you."
"Oooh, My heart's breaking." said Kozo.
"I will just have to find another suitable pilot WITHOUT
YOU!" Gendo cried, turning around and stomping out of the
large room.
Kozo and Ritsuko high fived each other.
Gendo watched as the compatibility tests were conducted. He
yawned and rubbed his eyes. Suddenly, the "Angel Alarm"
sounded, like the buzzer on a microwave oven.
Misato ran up to Commander Ikari. "Sir!" she cried "Hyenas!
In the Pride Lands!"
He nodded slowly, and then glared at her "What did you say?"
She regarded him strangely "Angels . . . above the city."
"Launch unit one."
"Sir, there are THREE angels."
"Oh . . . I suppose we'd better launch more units then." he
mumbled.
"Gee, now wonder you're in charge." Misato smirked.
"Launch units 02 and 03 as well."
"Sir, did I mention there ARE THREE ANGELS!" screamed
Misato at the top of her lungs.
Gendo stuck a finger in the ear she had just yelled in, as
if poking at his grey matter would correct the damage to his
hearing. "All right, All right . . ." he muttered. "Launch
Unit 04 as well . . ."
"But Hikari hasn't had enough training, shouldn't we
send Rei instead?"
"Just do what I say."
"Yes Sir, Yes sir." She saluted him and scurried back to her
command post, informing Maya and the others on what to do.
"SORTIE!" she cried, using the french term they always use
just so they can pretend they're saying something more
special than "GO!"
Hovering over Tokyo-3, three angels sat in air, waiting
apparently.
"Bud." said one.
"Wei." said the next.
"Ser." said the other.
(old joke, apologies)
Out of the ground, four Evangelion units popped.
A little child was running along the street, staring
alternately at the Angels, the Evangelion units and her
Tamagotchi. "Those things in the air are froggies just like
you, Yuku!" she punched a button to feed her virtual pet.
"All right folks!" cried Asuka "Here's how it's going to
work. Shinji and I will attack the two outer angels,
Suzuhara, take out the middle one since you've got the gumby
arms. Hikari . . . be back up."
"All right." replied everyone seriously.
Kaworu's face appeared in Shinji's viewscreen. "Shinji-kun,
good luck!" he smiled.
Asuka's angry face appeared beside Kaworu's. "Would you
guys do your flirting on your OWN TIME? We're in the middle
of a battle here!" she screamed.
Kaworu shrugged and disappeared. Shinji rolled his eyes.
"Take a chill pill, Asuka."
"WHAT WAS THAT THIRD CHILD???"
Chapter Two: Mmmm . . . . Sacrilicious.
One of the angels, ummm (We'll call him "Bud" since I have
no religious education) Flew towards Unit 04 and started
dripping some sort of "gooo" on her.
"Oh yuck!" cried Hikari. Her green evangelion unit
instantly pulled out a handy Chinese umbrella. The goo
harmlessly covered the umbrella and slid off.
"Good thinking Hikari-chan!" cried Asuka. She then
turned her attention to Unit 03. "SUZUHARA! YOU WERE
SUPPOSED TO TAKE OUT THAT ANGEL."
"I'm on it." Unit O3 (the big beautiful black one with
long arms) suddenly grabbed the angel . . . from the other
side of the city. He hit it against the ground repeatedly.
"Stupid . . ." Thunk!
"Ugly . . ." Thunk!
"Annoying . . . " Thunk!
"Slime brain . . ." Thunk!
"Nobody . . ." Thunk!
"Drips gunk . . ." Thunk!
"On my friends . . ." Thunk!
"And gets away with it!" THUNK! THUNK! THUNK!
Bud waved a little white flag, but it was too late. Tohji
was MAD!
"Tohji, what are you doing . . ." cried Shinji. "That's so
sick. He's eating the angel!"
"Who are you to talk, third child?" retorted Asuka. "You're
the one who started this craze!"
"Ohhhh" sighed Hikari "He's so brave . . . and he did it for
me, too! Siiigh."
Somewhere in one of the shelters, a diabetic went into
insulin shock.
(This is pathetic! I can't even come up with my own jokes!)
"Ah, what the hell." Asuka grabbed the angel she had been
bashing against a building(his name was "Wei") and started
to munch. Shinji moaned and gave up, letting his Eva have a
snack too. (the snack would be "Ser")
"Hmmm." said Unit 02(Asuka's) "Tastes just like chicken."
"That's right, babe!" said Unit 01.(Shinji's) "Didn't I
promise to take you out to dinner sometime?"
"Yeah right." teased Unit 02 "Cheap take out food."
"Mmmmm" said Unit O3(Tohji's) "Sacrilicious."
"Hey!" protested Unit 04(Hikari's) "Don't I get any?" 04
pouted cutely.
"Oh sure, sweetie! Have some of mine!" said Unit 03,
passing her some of his, chivalrously.
"Thank-you!" she also began to munch.
In the control room, Misato Katsuragi was beating her head
on a panel repeatedly. "I don't believe this." she
muttered.
Kaworu looked up, sad. "Sorry Bud, Wei, Ser." he whispered.
Rei gave him a strange look.
Meanwhile, the little child was beating her small fists on
Unit 02's foot.
"Hey you big meanie!" she screamed. "Why are you eating
Yuku's family? Why'd you kill the cute froggies?"
Unit 02 sweatdropped (again, the sweatdrop was large enough
to fill an Olympic sized swimming pool)
"Froggies?" said Unit 03
"Maybe it's just me, but having a child here might not
be the safest thing." said 01.
02 nodded and drop kicked the child and her Tamagotchi all
the way to Chiba Prefecture-2 in the Tokyo-2.
"Better?"
"That wasn't exactly what I had in mind . . ." said 01,
sweatdropping profusely.
Inside the Eva's.
"I forgot about one thing . . ." moaned Tohji.
"Ditto." said Shinji.
"Me too." admitted Hikari.
"I didn't forget, there just was no other way to beat the
angels!" protested Asuka.
"Right." said Tohji.
"Would you just Shut - ahh Hentai!!" Asuka screamed,
covering all of her important parts.
The pilots were floating around naked, as pilots tend to do
when they become one with their evangelion units.
Shinji looked tired. "Not again." he muttered.
"You looked! I know you did! Stupid Perverts!" Asuka
would have hit them with something, but she couldn't in her
present condition.
The scene changed. They were now all looking up at a
blueish thing with white.
"Something from our world . . ." muttered Shinji.
"It's a view from underwater." said Tohji.
"What are you, stupid?" cried Asuka. "It probably has
a more psychological meaning than that."
"Actually." came a voice, as if all the Evangelion units
involved were speaking as one. "It's a view from
underwater."
"Ha!" boasted Tohji.
"Why are you showing us this?" asked Shinji.
The voice (voices) chuckled. "To mess with your heads."
The scene changed again. The group was standing on a beach,
red waves crashing on the sand. They now had clothes,
thankfully.
"Reminds me of a Calvin Klein commercial." said Hikari.
They all turned around as they heard a soft voice behind
them.
"Red . . . the colour of blood . . . a woman who does not
bleed . . ."
"Uh, I didn't need to know that!" said Tohji.
"Hi Rei!" cried Hikari.
"Oh yeah, it does look like Ayanami, doesn't it?" said
Asuka, somewhat bored.
"That's not Ayanami." said Shinji quietly. "It's my
dummy plug."
Asuka started to laugh. "Every dummy needs his plug!" she
cackled.
"How do you know that?" queried Hikari.
Shinji pointed at the snug fanservice T-shirt Rei was
wearing. It said "EVA UNIT 01'S DUMMY PLUG."
"Oh . . . I see." Hikari muttered, embarrassed.
Rei(the dummy plug) looked at Tohji seductively and smiled.
"Hey Fourth Child. I saved your life . . . now's your
chance to pay me back."
"What?" said Asuka, Shinji and Hikari in synchronization.
Rei pouted cutely and then smiled. "You didn't think I
saved him out of the goodness of my heart, did you? I think
Tohji-kun's way cute. So, I've been biding my time, waiting
for an opportunity like this to come up. Come on over here,
hunkmeister!"
Asuka looked like she was going to be sick. "And what's the
psychological meaning of THIS, I'd like to know?!?"
The Eva units laughed nervously. "We have no control
over the dummy plugs . . . they were Gendou's idea."
"Great." muttered Tohji.
"But we will send you to a place where the Dummy plugs
can't get at you . . . if we keep moving you through all
this angst ridden stuff fast enough, she shouldn't be able
to keep up with you."
The pilots found themselves in front of a big screen TV.
A white line was going across it, and strange music was
playing.
"Hey, don't we get any popcorn?" said Asuka.
"Watch, and know who you are . . ."
The group stared at the screen some more. Japanese
characters occasionally appeared in succession with the
white line. "I guess they have a cheap budget." said
Hikari.
"No Kidding." said Asuka, yawning.
"Hey look! People."
And indeed, there were people. Quickly flashing images.
"Kensuke, Ritsuko, Misato, Kaji, Ibuki, Fuyutsuki, Aoba,
Father . . ." mumbled Shinji.
Suddenly, Pong Kombat 2 took over the screen.
"All right!" cried Tohji "This is better!"
"I wanna play too!" cried Hikari.
"Me too!" said Shinji. Everyone sat around playing Pong,
deciding against analysing the psychological profoundness of
playing pong in your psyche. Instead they were all happily
enjoying their video game.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Wait just a darn minute there! Evangelion characters
aren't allowed to be happy, especially when they're in a
philosophical setting! Give us angst, give us conflict!"
"Ah . . . zut alors . . ." grumbled the author.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chapter Three: Me thinks, therefore, Me thinks me Am
"Oh No! The dummy plug's back!" cried Tohji.
"Tohji-kun!" cried Rei "Don't fight me!"
"Aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah! Let me go, let me go!" he
struggled to break free, but we all know how strong Rei
clones (or Dummy plugs?) are.
"Kiss me, you fool!" cried Rei.
"I don't wanna! Girls have cooties . . . Did I just
say that?" Tohji stopped and glared angrily at the author.
"Why did I just say that? I'd never say something like
that, 'specially if a babe like Rei wanted to kiss me!"
The author sweatdropped profusely. "I . . . I have a touch
of Writer's Block?" she offered miserably.
"And what about me! ?" cried Hikari. "do you really think
I'd stand by and let some freak molest my guy?" she stamped
her feet.
Asuka and Shinji exchanged looks. Nice little Hikari just
said . . . that?
By this time, the authors sweatdrops threatened to seriously
damage her computer, so she agreed to compromise. (With
Hikari . . . Hikari is much more scary when mad than Tohji!)
Tohji continued to fight back . . . weakly, but, just as Rei
was about to kiss him someone called out . . .
"Stop Right There!"
"Who's there?" growled Rei, drooling.
"I stand for love and justice . . . I am the pretty sailor
suited soldier Sailor Moon!"
Asuka and Shinji fell over twitching uncontrollably.
"I cannot forgive this! In place of the moon, I shall
punish you!" Hikari cried, now dressed in an indecently
short skirt, bows, and with two yellow tennis balls fastened
to her head.
"You'll punish me?" snickered Rei. "Sounds kinky."
Tohji passed out.
Hikari pulled out a highly decorative fluorescent pink
sword-wand-thingamagig.
"MOON HENTAI DON'T TOUCH MY GUY EXASPERATION ELIMINATION!"
Rei vanished in a swirl of pink doilies.
"Tohji-kun!" Hikari rushed over to his side. "Are you
okay?" she shook him.
Asuka glared at the author. "If you make her do artificial
respiration now I'm going to kill you!"
"Eh heh heh heh heh . . ." the author sprinkled some magik
faerie dust and Tohji was all better.
"Thank-you for saving me . . ." he whispered. (To Hikari,
mind you, not the author. . . . sigh)
Ritsuko drummed her fingers on her desk. Bored with that,
she started playing with her miniature cats. The little
cats danced across the table.
"Chow Chow Chow Chow Chow Chow . . . Purina cat food
and rice formula . . . Chow chow chow chow chow chow . . .
it makes you feel so fine, gives your fur that shine . . ."
"Rit-chan, what exactly are you doing?" came a deep,
familiar voice.
"Er . . . Nothing . . ." she blushed.
Kaji smiled slightly. "You do know that most of the pilots
are still trapped inside their Eva's in a semi fluidic state
don't you?"
Ritsuko hit herself in the forehead. "D'oh! That's right."
Kaji patted her head. "I think all that bleach may be
affecting your mind."
Ritsuko glared at him. He stepped back. "Don't look at me
like that! What do I know, you probably think better when
playing with your cats . . ."
"Just like you and your melons, right?"
"Eh heh heh . . . right . . . I've got stuff to do . .
. I'll see you later, Ritsuko."
Hyuuga, Aoba and Ibuki (The other three stooges) were
sitting around Fuyutsuki's desk in that big room that has
the neat tree of knowledge thing on the floor, reading
mangas.
"Wow, did you know Chichiri was twenty-four years old?" said
Maya.
"Nope, but I had no idea that Kenshin and Sanosuke had
This kind of relationship!" said Makoto, pointing out an
interesting scene in his Rurouni Kenshin manga. "That's a
dojinshi, you dolt!" cried Maya, bonking him on the head.
"Ow! Eh, Shigeru-kun . . . watcha reading?"
Aoba looked up from his manga and sighed.
"Hey . . . ew, that's yaoi!" cried Makoto.
"And what's wrong with that? I'm comfortable enough
with myself to read shonen ai without feeling threatened!"
"It's what Part of himself he's comfortable enough with
that I'm worried about!" whispered Makoto. Maya giggled.
Hyuuga was promptly hit in the head with a can of Beer.
"Orrroooo . . ." he fell off his chair.
At that very moment, Gendou Ikari stomped into the room.
"Uh oh . . ." said Hyuuga. "looks like we're in for another
hissy fit."
"What are you doing here!?" cried Gendou, vein
throbbing in his forehead. "Only people with express
permission from the Commanders of Nerv can come here!"
"Kozo-kun said we could come borrow some mangas, Sir!"
said Maya dutifully.
"Since when are you and the subcommander on a first name
basis?" flared Gendou, steam coming out of his ears.
"Why . . ." giggled Maya, blushing "Since last night,
sir!"
"Aaaaargh! Get out get out! All of you!!!"
"Yessir!" cried Aoba, Ibuki and Hyuuga together, saluting
him and scurrying out of the room, clutching their mangas.
A few moments later, Makoto snuck back in.
"WHAT DO YOU WANT!!!" screamed Gendou.
"er . . . I just forgot my manga . . ." he grabbed the
Rurouni Kenshin dojinshi and rushed back towards the door.
When safely behind the door, he poked his head in.
"Sir, you may want to know . . . your mini fridge is out of
beer." He then quickly shut the door as a little fridge hit
where he had been standing a moment earlier.
"I Swear . . . I'm gonna kill all of them!" cried
Gendou Ikari.
During all of this, the souls of the pilots continued to
float around in their Eva's in a semi-fluidic state.
The only two people who seemed to be concerned, Misato and
Kaworu, were standing outside, trying to convince them to
return to reality.
"Shinji-kun! I love you! Come back!" cried Kaworu.
"Tohji-kun, wouldn't you like to go out to dinner with
me sometime? Asuka, I promise if you come back no more TV
dinners . . . and . . . you can have Kaji! I don't want
that loser!"
"What can we offer Hikari?" whispered Misato. Kaworu didn't
know. "ummmm Hikari, if you come back, there's a really
cute teddy bear out here for you." she passed a few dollars
to Kaworu. "Go buy a really cute teddy." she hissed.
Kaworu nodded seriously and hurried away.
Meanwhile, inside the Eva's, the pilots continued to drift
around aimlessly, being shown very important things.
"ummm . . . this is . . . the Throne of Souls . . ."
said the Evas.
"It looks like a North American toilet." mumbled Asuka.
"It's not a toilet, it's the Throne of Souls!"
protested the Evas.
"Yeah right!" cried Asuka. "Look, it even says
American Standard on the side."
"Umm . . . to continue our tour . . ."
"This sucks." said Tohji. "Let's go home . . . I've been
promised a date with an Angel . . ."
"Hey!" cried Shinji.
"What? What's wrong?"
The author shook her head at Shinji furiously. "Dummy!
You're not supposed to know that yet!"
Shinji's eyes were blank. "What, Tohji? Oh . . . nothing.
Nothing's the matter . . . I'm fine."
"Good." he nodded. "Let's blow this popsicle stand."
"Yeah! I get Kaji!" cried Asuka gleefully, obviously the
pilots had heard the bribery from outside.
"And I ummm . . . get a cute Teddy." said Hikari softly, not
incredibly enthused.
"Wait, don't you want to become one with us?" cried the
Eva's "It's very comfortable!"
"No thanks!" cried the fourteen year olds unamiously.
Shigeru Aoba looked up from his manga. "Hey look, they're
reappearing."
Maya nodded. "I guess we'd better open the entry plugs."
A whole bunch of fluid spilled all over the Big Room.
Sven, the janitor, started to cry. "Ahk! Just vhen Iye
finish kleaning, they haft to do thes messy things!"
Misato and Kaworu ran over to Shinji. "Shinji-kun!" they
both cried. Shinji looked embarrassed.
"Sheesh Misato . . . so nice to know that you care!"
muttered Asuka. Misato got up and smiled at her. "I'm very
happy to see you too, Asuka! Tohji-kun . . . Hikari-chan .
. . I'm so glad that you're all okay!"
"Weeeeelll, then you'll just have to give us what you
promised. I get Kaji all to myself!" cried Asuka.
"I get a date with you, Misato-san!" cried Tohji.
"Where's my teddy?" said Hikari.
"Kaworu-kun, you got the teddy, right?"
Kaworu nodded, and ran and got a box.
"That'll be an anorexic teddy bear . . ." said Tohji.
"Oh no!" cried Kaworu "You said Teddy-Bear? I thought
you said teddy!" Kaworu opened the box and pulled out a
frilly . . . umm . . . well . . . teddy, trimmed with red
lace. "Isn't it pretty? I love the colour!" he gushed.
"That's for me?" said Hikari.
Misato dropped her head into her hand.
"Am I the only one who's noticed we're all Naked?!" screamed
Asuka.
Tohji looked from the teddy Kaworu was holding, to Hikari,
and back again. He then developed an incredible nose bleed.
"Suzuhara, you're a bit of a chronic nose bleeder,
huh?" said Asuka, viciously.
"A condition that only seems to afflict the Japanese for
some reason . . ." he moaned.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The author has just realized that eating angel may not cause
you to become fluidic, but coming near the brink of death
may. Apologies for any confusion. I have a brain like a
Maxwell House coffee filter. (I only hold on to the gross
unimportant junk)
The author is also aware that each evangelion unit is
supposed to symbolize a daemon or something, but since,
again, she has limited religious education (C'mon, ask me
who Joseph Smith is, I dare ya!) she decided Hikari's unit
would be green. Green is a nice colour, don't you think?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chapter Four: Too much love will kill ya . . .
In the depths of Terminal Dogma, Rei Ayanami sat, punching
away furiously at a computer. Before her was a giant tank.
However, instead of Ayanami Rei clones, there were . . .
THIS IS REALLY SCARY! MAKE THE CHILDREN LEAVE THE ROOM!
FOR THAT MATTER, MAKE ANY QUEASY ADULTS LEAVE THE ROOM! I'M
NOT KIDDING!
. . . . Gendou Ikari clones. Hundreds and hundreds of
Gendou Ikari clones. Thankfully, unlike the Rei clones, the
Gendou's all had clothing on. (Even I have my limits of
horror)
Rei smirked evilly. "As many Ikari's as I want . . . to
bend to my every whim . . . MWA HA HA HA HA!!!"
That's right folks. Rei Ayanami is not only insane, but
perverse. What the heck does she see in that son of a . .
. oh well, on with the story . . .
Tohji Suzuhara sat across from Misato, sipping on a straw.
"How do you like your drink?" Misato gushed, (very) drunk.
"Oh umm . . . it's good!" he smiled. Misato smiled.
"So ummm . . . what's new at school . . ." she said, after a
while.
"Nothing much. Sempai is rather . . ."
"extremely boring . . ." she finished.
"Yeah . . . "
"Oh, here comes our food! Finally!"
The waiter looked at them somewhat strangely and then placed
a lobster before each of them.
Tohji stared at his plate. "It looks like an angel . . ."
he said softly.
"It's lobster, imported from New Brunswick, Canada. And
THIS is poutine." The waiter indicated the balls of . . .
goo in the middle of the table.
Tohji tried hard to remember the slight bit of french
his grandfather had taught him. "Er . . . that means . . .
Chicken?"
The waiter shook his head. "No, it's ham, in a maple
syrup sauce inside a scrumptious potato shell.* Enjoy!"
"Er . . . Thanks . . ." said Tohji and Misato at the
same time.
Misato prodded her poutine. Tohji stared at the lobster.
"I've never had lobster . . . so intact before . . . it's
still got it's little eye balls and everything."
The lobster stared at him. Tohji cringed.
Misato took a bite of poutine. Her face changed colours.
She forced herself to swallow.
"Tohji-kun . . ."
"Yeah?"
"What do you say we go get some noodles?"
"Great Idea!"
The two bolted out of the restaurant. (without paying?!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
*actual description author was given on a trip to New
Brunswick . . . I feel sick . . . bleah
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Kaji!" Asuka gushed, clinging to his arm.
"Asuka, I'm glad we could go out today."
"Oh Kaji! Do you mean it?"
He chuckled "Of course. You're a beautiful young lady.
Besides, I've been wanting to talk to you about some
things."
"Oh really?"
They sat down on a bench, near a melon patch. The sun was
setting over Tokyo-3, the mood was perfect. Asuka was sure
that she was dreaming.
"Yeah . . . I've realized that I'm getting on in years
and . . ."
"Kaji! You're young!" Asuka exclaimed.
He clasped her hand and smiled. "Well, maybe. To be honest
with you, I've been considering settling down . . . and I
was hoping to find an attractive woman who could be a mother
to my children . . . someone like you, Asuka." he smiled at
her.
"Children?" she gulped.
"Yeah . . . maybe four or five . . ."
"Four or five . . ." she repeated, dazed.
"Asuka Langley Soryuu . . . marry me . . . and we can get
started on it right away . . ." he leaned over to kiss her.
Asuka leapt up from the bench. "I'm sorry . . . Kaji, I've
got to think about this . . . it's an important decision,
y'know?"
He nodded seriously. "Let me know."
"I will!" she cried, waving and disappearing into the
dimness of the city. Ryouji Kaji chuckled to himself and
pulled out a hose to water his melons. He pulled out his
cellular.
"Seems to be working on this end." he reported.
"Well, Tohji-kun's still staring at me with that dopey
expression on his face, but I just sat him down in front of
a teddy bear display . . . maybe that'll make him think
about someone else." Misato hiccuped.
"Katsuragi, you're drunk . . ."
"I yam not!" she cried, voice slurring.
Kaji shook his head. "Just don't throw up on him."
"Shut yer face!"
"No, I'm serious Misato . . . don't do anything foolish
. . . he's only fourteen." said Kaji, stern.
"What d'ya think I am, some sort of pervert?"
"I wouldn't put it past you . . "
"I thought I told you to shut up!" she cried. Kaji listened
to the dial tone for a few moments then sighed and stuffed
his cell phone in his pocket and resumed tending to his
watermelons.
Misato came out of the women's room, closing her compact.
"Ready to go?" she grinned.
"Umm . . . Yeah . . . "
"What's in that bag?"
"Oh nothing" said Tohji, embarrassed.
"C'mon . . . let me see . . . Oh, it's a teddy bear! That's
so cute!"
"Yeah, I bought it for Hikari . . . since Kaworu kinda
messed that up . . ."
"That's so sweet!" suddenly Misato's expression
changed. "Why didn't you get me one?"
"Um . . . sorry, I just thought you're such a mature woman
that you wouldn't really have a use for it . . ."
"Yeah right." muttered Misato glumly.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Warning: Okay, some people might find this offensive, but
the fact is, Misato comes on to everyone on two legs.
(Shinji . . . Pen Pen . . .) Deal with, 'kay?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A little later that evening (or, early in the morning,
depending on how you look at it - 2 A.M.) . . .
Tohji Suzuhara was struggling to carry a slobbering drunk
Misato home. "Sheesh . . . she may be drop dead gorgeous,
but she's also damn heavy!"
"Whatwazzthattohji?" she muttered into his shoulder.
"Um . . . nothing Katsuragi-san."
Misato hiccuped and giggled. "Why so formal?"
Tohji shrugged nervously. "Er, no reason . . ."
Misato laughed very hard and slapped him on the butt.
"You're so cute!"
"Misato-san!"
She giggled. "Home, James!"
Tohji struggled onwards. "Maybe this wasn't such a great
idea . . ." he muttered under his breath.
Tohji knocked on the door. Shinji opened it and looked at
them strangely.
"Hey . . . Shinji . . . Misato's kind of drunk . . ."
"I'm all right!" she cried, standing up, if somewhat
weakly. "C'mon in Tohji-kun . . . I'll get you something to
drink . . ."
"Well . . . All right . . ." he warily stepped in. The
door slid shut behind him "Nice towel, by the way . . ."
Shinji blushed more profusely than such a comment warranted.
"I was . . . uh . . . taking a shower . . ."
"Yeah, I figured as much . . . you're kinda dripping on
the floor . . ."
A voice came from the bathroom. "Shinji-kun, this
shower's getting cold without you . . ."
Tohji and Misato's eyes turned to small little dots.
"Kaworu-kun?" they both said together. They then both
glared at Shinji, demanding an explanation.
Shinji was turning flourescent red. "Um . . . er . . .
well . . . you see . . . I . . ."
Tohji waved his hands back and forth. "Uhhh, Nevermind!
Believe me, I don't want to know! Really!"
Shinji nodded gratefully.
Misato, however, still in her drunken stupor was pointing
from Shinji to the bathroom door and back again "What the .
. ."
"Nevermind, Misato . . . let's go get those drinks,
huh?" Tohji prodded her back to the kitchen.
Shinji scurried back to his shower.
The two were camped out in front of the TV, drinking their
prospective beverages. (for Misato . . . take a wild guess .
. . BEER! Tohji opted for Sunny Delight . . . that was
dated June 1998.)
The TV was playing a classic animation . . . X, The Movie.
"Hey Tohji-kun?"
"Uh-huh?"
"Why're you sitting so far away?"
Tohji blushed.
"You do know where most of my dates land up, don'tcha?"
"Um . . . I really have to be going . . ."
He stood up, in an obvious hurry.
"No . . . stay . . ." she grabbed him by the hand,
smiling evilly.
"Uhhhhh . . ."
Tohji was paralyzed.
Okay brain, think-think . . . what's wrong with this
situation? Beautiful woman wants you . . . this is a GOOD
thing! Wait a minute . . . you're a minor . . . bad thing .
. . bad thing . . . diseases? Oh, that's not very good . .
. But she's so good looking! It's Misato! She's
incredible!
Meanwhile Misato was kissing his fingers, one by one. (hey,
I'm not that perverted . . . don't worry . . . it's not
going to get any further)
An image of Hikari floated through his head. She was
crying.
Tohji frowned.
An image of Asuka beating him to a pulp for "taking
advantage" of Misato being under the influence crossed his
mind.
Tohji screamed "No!"
"What?" Misato was confused.
"Misato-san, you're incredible . . . and I must be an
idiot (All the guys scream "YES YOU ARE!"). . . but you're
drunk . . . and I do have a few morals, Y'know?"
Misato nodded slowly.
"REMEMBER THE PLAN!" screamed a little Super Deformed Kaji
in her brain.
"Oh well . . . that's okay . . ." she smiled to reassure
him. "Let's just finish watching the movie and then call it
a night."
Tohji nodded, relieved.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What makes this REALLY unbelievable is that they did this
whole soap opera thing during the X MOVIE! Who cares about
little things like sex when X is on?!?!? Beyond Reality,
dude!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Meanwhile, Asuka Langley Soryuu had been walking around
Tokyo-3, trying to think.
Everytime she tried to think of marrying Kaji, Shinji's
stupid face would hover in front of her eyes.
"Why the hell am I thinking about that total loser so
much!?" she screamed at the silent, mocking buildings.
"He's a jerk, he's perverted . . . he's really stupid .
. . he's not even very good looking! I need a real man like
Kaji! Shinji's an idiot! He's a pathetic kisser . . . and
I . . . I . . . oh shit, I'm going home.
Asuka walked into the living room to find Misato and Tohji
sleeping beside each other. (no, nothing happened) and
Kaworu and Shinji curled up on the couch, holding hands in
their sleep. (I don't think you wanna know what happened
well, actually some of you might . . . but, that's another
story . . . mmm yaoi-ey.) The ending credits to X were
rolling by.
"Forever Love . . . Forever Dream . . ." sung a
heartwrenching vocalist. (me LOVE X-JAPAN!!!!)
"WHAT IS THIS??? AN ORGY?????!!!!?" Asuka screamed at the
top of her lungs.
"Uh oh . . . BUSTED!" came an unrecognizable male voice from
one of the rooms. Hundreds of guys streamed out of the
apartment, running with their clothes, yelling things like
"I'll call you" and the such.(see the kids in the hall movie
Brain Candy for the real Mcoy) There may have been a few
penguins also, but we'll not look too closely, all right?
Asuka stomped her feet on the ground. "WHAT THE HELL IS
GOING ON HERE?!?!?"
Shinji, Kaworu, Tohji all looked very embarrassed. Misato
had passed out.
"THAT'S IT! I AM GOING TO MARRY KAJI!!!" she stomped
into her room and slammed the door, locking it.
Ahhh, so you are curious as to what Rei Ayanami has been up
to all this time, aren't you? Are you sure you really want
to know? Well, let's just say that her time has been
occupied by several of her Gendou clones, some whipped
cream, some chocolate syrup, and some cherries.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The author promptly rushes to do something private, hands
covering her mouth. The computer listens as weird sounds
come from the little girls room and starts to become bored
as no one is typing anything. He decides to continue the
story himself.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I am NEC/ProSpeed 286, a popular computer from quite a while
ago . . . I may be a little old, but I still have a vastly
superior intellect to you Homosapiens!
(Which is why you can't even handle Shareware like the
Pickle Wars? Editor)
I shall continue this ridiculous story as I see fit. If you
behave appropriately, I may even impart some tales of the
golden age of computers . . . But for now, on with this
(typed distastefully) tale.
Chapter 5: Stupid is as Stupid Does
Misato was wearing big sunglasses the next day at work.
"Got a little drunk, did you?" taunted Kaji.
Tohji then appeared and leapt up and kissed Misato deeply on
the lips. "Thanks for last night babe!"
Misato discreetly slipped Tohji a twenty.(Yes, an american
Twenty. Don't ask me why!) Tohji smiled and took off, saying
"I'll see you tonight!"
Kaji looked somewhat shocked. "Katsuragi . . . you
didn't?!? He's just . . ."
"A better lay than you ever were? You got it!"
She patted his cheek "Don't be too worried, hon - His
parents are fine with us getting married."
Kaji smiled suddenly "You're putting me on . . ."
Misato shrugged. "Believe what you want. I was going to
invite you to the reception, but you'd probably show up late
. . ."
"Misato . . . you're not serious . . ."
She smirked impishly. "Why do you find this so hard to
believe? I've always liked my men clean-shaven . . ." she
rubbed his chin "And I'm about ready to settle down." she
flashed the impressive looking ring on her finger.
"Oh, by the way Kaji . . . I have a message for you from
your fiance . . ."
"Fiance?"
"Silly. Asuka says to meet her at the watermelon patch
tonight at eight. I supposed congratulations are in order
for you too . . . Bye, bye now!" she waved him off and
disappeared into the Control room.
Kaji looked confused for a moment, but then started to
laugh. "That's original, Katsuragi . . . I'll give you
that. Not very convincing . . . but, original."
The five pilots sat in a darkened room in their plug suits,
semi-listening as Ritsuko briefed them on more testing
procedures. Shinji was massaging his wrist. Rei was
holding her wrist. Tohji and Kaworu were staring at their
hands, opening and closing their fists.
"Uh . . . what are you people doing?" hissed Hikari.
"What?"
"Is it some sort of Eva pilot ritual to do weird things with
your hands? Do you all have rheumatism?" she asked,
innocently.
Everyone but Rei blushed.
"Nope Hikari-chan, they're just freaks." said Asuka,
snickering.
"Who's the freak?" replied Shinji, quite angry for some
unexplained reason. "You're the one who's marrying someone
who's old enough to be your father!"
"Only if he were quite young at the time." said Kaworu
softly.
"Kaji loves me!" Asuka cried indignantly. "Love knows
no age . . . and no sex either, from what you and Kaworu-kun
were doing last night!"
"Why're you guys fighting . . .?" moaned Tohji.
"Besides . . ." said Asuka slickly "Tohji-kun's doing
the exact same thing as me, y'know?"
"What?!" cried Hikari and Shinji.
"Of course, didn't you know?" Asuka smirked evilly at
Shinji . . . revenge was sweet. "He's marrying Misato."
Hikari fell off her chair. Shinji was quiet. Asuka
cackled. Hikari started to sniffle, and then ran out of the
briefing room.
"Oh no . . ." cried Asuka. "I forgot about how Hikari
would react to that . . . damnit, I'm so stupid . . ." she
ran after her friend.
Ritsuko glared at the remaining pilots.
"Should I bother asking if you all know what's going
on?" The three boys shrunk to the size of Pen Pen. Rei
simply looked at Ritsuko, giving the impression "of course I
know what's going on."
"I have to go to the bathroom!" cried Kaworu, dashing out of
the room.
"Er . . . me too!" Shinji took off at a break neck
pace.
Tohji sweatdropped. "I have to um . . . I feel really sick
. . . yeah . . . that's it!" He rushed out of the room as
well.
Rei stared at Ritsuko. Ritsuko stared at Rei, and then
grimaced. "How much for one of your Gendou clones?" asked
Ritsuko. Rei smiled.
Tohji was walking around NERV when he found Asuka sniffling
in a corridor. This was new. It was also really scary. He
cleared his throat.
Asuka glared at him, blurry eyed. "Whaddya want, fourth
child?"
"Umm . . . have you seen Hikari-chan?"
"She's in the locker room . . . but she doesn't want to talk
to anyone."
"Asuka, you did tell her that I wasn't really marrying
Misato-san, right?"
"You're not?"
"No way! Misato's great . . . but that's a little gross,
y'know."
"Shut up! Go away!" she buried her head in her arms
again, ignoring him.
"Oooooooh kay . . . no problem . . ." he tiptoed past
her toward the locker room.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sheesh, (This is still the magnificent computer, by the
way) Without the author here this is perhaps turning into a
more interesting story with an actual plot . . . character .
. . angst, etcetera. It's amazing what one can do when one
rids oneself of all human influence.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Hikari sniffled as she stared up at her locker. Hanging in
it were pictures of her three older sisters, her mother and
father, some of her favorite bands, some funny cartoons that
Kensuke had drawn . . . and by far, her favorite picture was
hanging in the centre. It was a Polaroid taken when she and
her classmates had gone to a movie. She and Asuka were
making stupid faces, Kensuke's glasses had reflected weirdly
so you couldn't see his eyes, Shinji's eyes looked red, and
it was a little underexposed. But Tohji . . . Tohji looked
adorable. He was wearing a white T-shirt and was actually
smiling. She started to sniffle again.
She slammed the locker door shut just as Tohji entered the
room. Tohji did the typical "I'm nervous and embarrassed"
pose, with one hand thrown behind his head and one near his
face, both with index finger and pinky finger pointing up.
(an easy enough position to do, but long-winded to explain)
before she turned around, but by the time she noticed him,
he was looking cool again.
He pointed to his locker, indicating that he just
wanted to get something and wasn't any kind of threat.
She nodded slowly and started jamming stuff into her
knapsac. (It may not have been her stuff-actually, it was
Asuka's stuff - but it was good to have something to do with
her hands.)
"Um . . . Suzuhara-kun . . ." she said quietly.
"Un huh?" he said, rummaging through his locker without
turning around.
"Do you . . . does . . . does Misato have enough
bridesmaids for . . . um your wedding?"
Tohji slouched, and then started to shake slightly. (he's
laughing, but he's trying to keep his "I'm so cool." act
going.)
"Hikari-chan . . . I'm not marrying Misato."
"You're not?"
"Of course not. She's way too old for me . . . and I'm
y'know . . . young. We're just playing a prank on Kaji, is
all"
She smiled, relieved. "I'm glad to hear that."
He turned around, looking slightly embarrassed. "Here . . .
ummm . . . I picked this up for you when I was out shopping
last night." he handed the bear to her.
"It's cute. Thank-you!"
"Yeah well . . . y'know . . . Kaworu sort of messed that up
. . ."
Hikari smiled brightly "I'm sort of happy he did."
Tohji's nose started to trickle again at the thought of that
other "teddy."
"Um . . . so, see you at school tomorrow. Bye."
"Bye."
When he was gone, she danced around the room with her
stuffed toy. She giggled and hugged her teddy bear. (yikes.
she's just so gosh darn sweet I'm getting tooth decay here .
. . and I am a computer.)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The real author has returned.
Hey, I like what you've done with the story, Two - Eighty -
Six!"
The computer beeped indulgently. "Better than anything you
could manage."
"Hey, shut up!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Chapter Six: Of Lunchables, Infomercials and Gods.
"Kaji!" came a cry from behind. Ryouji Kaji had no idea
what hit him.
"What . . . oh, Hi Asuka."
"Mmm . . . maybe I should stop calling you by your last
name, sweetie!" gushed Asuka, clutching his arm.
"Sweetie?" Kaji was somewhat confused.
"Of course! Well, if you don't like that we can figure out
some other nickname . . ."
"Asuka, this isn't really appropriate behaviour . . ."
"Ah, you Japanese are such stick in the muds . . . in
Germany it's perfectly all right to show affection for your
lover in public."
"Lover?" Kaji choked, finally understanding.
Asuka giggled girlishly "What do you think about a Western
style wedding? Or . . . maybe we could get married bungee
jumping off my Evangelion,that would be romantic!"
*Misato, I'm going to get you for this* Kaji thought.
Hikari was in such a dreamlike state that she didn't even
notice when Asuka stormed into the classroom.
"All men are jerks!" cried Asuka, slamming her books
down on her desk.
If one were to observe closely, they would notice that
Kensuke and Shinji were hiding under a desk to avoid the
German girl's wrath.
"Asuka, what happened?" said Hikari, concerned.
"Kaji says he can't marry me because I'm too young . .
. I don't know what made him change his mind . . ." she
sighed sadly. She then got angry and stormed over to the
three stooges (& Kaworu . . . I guess he's the fourth stooge
. . . which is making me think about the three stooges in a
very strange way . . .)
"But somehow, I know one of you dumbells is involved."
She glared at Tohji. He smirked. She exploded all over the
classroom.
"Ohh yuck . . ." muttered Kaworu "Do you know how hard it is
to get blood out of white?"
(Wait, wait, I like Asuka - scratch that, put this there
instead.)
"Asuka . . ." came Shinji's voice from under the table.
"It's Misato's fault. Take it up with her at home . . .
don't kill my friends."
Asuka kicked him in the head. "Shut up Shinji!"
Hikari came and grabbed onto Asuka's arm. "Calm down,
Sempai's gonna expel you or something."
"Yeah right, like that idiot ever notices anything
that's going on . . ."
"Langley!" came an ancient, decrepit and disintegrating
rapidly voice from the front of the classroom.
"Uh oh." said Asuka.
LUNCH HOUR.
The gang (c'mon gang . . . let's go gang . . . ack, enough
with the Scooby Doo!) were sitting around where they had
pushed together a bunch of desks.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Asuka never eats with the three Stooges! And Rei always
eats alone!" cried a voice from the peanut gallery.
"Shut up you, Do you think I'm TRYING to be consistent and
close to the original series? NOOOOO! This is a Parody,
Capeesh?"
The Peanut sat down grumpily.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Kensuke was grumpily staring at a piece of paper. "Rejected
again." he muttered. "This is so unfair! I swear, I'm
gonna be the last man never to be an Eva pilot! AAAaaargh!"
"So who's the new pilot, first child?" queried Asuka.
"Why should I know." said Rei blandly.
"Oh c'mon . . . everyone knows the Commander favours
you. He probably tells you all sorts of things . . ."
"I am not favoured by anyone." said Rei, (almost) glumly.
"I'll favour you Rei-chan." said Kaworu. Rei blushed,
Shinji fumed.
Hikari had given Tohji his lunch of course.
"Wow . . . this looks really great, Hikari-chan!" he gazed
at him impressively huge bento box filled with scrumptious
delights.
Hikari laughed nervously "Well . . . y'know . . .
leftovers."
Somewhere else, Hikari's three sisters opened their lunches
at approximately the same time.
"Sailor Moon cookies . . . from 1994?!" cried one miserably.
"Lunchables? She gave me a lunchable again???"
muttered another.
"Oh no . . . it's . . . it's Mr Noodles . . . raw!" cried
the last.
"Hikari-chan . . ." they all moaned.
Meanwhile, Kensuke was talking incoherently. "I will be an
Eva pilot . . . if it's the last thing I do . . . I will be
master of this world! Mwa ha hah ha ha!" he cackled
insanely, the reject slip shaking in his hand.
The rest of the table exchanged nervous glances.
"I think . . . he's gone off the deep end." said
Shinji. Tohji, Kaworu, Asuka and Hikari nodded seriously.
"Today on Amazing Discoveries, we have an incredible bargain
and scientific invention for all of you!" cried the annoying
man on the television screen.
Shinji watched, or more like, stared at the television
screen. Kaworu had stolen his walkman. Misato and Asuka
were having a cat fight in the next room, and the only way
he could drown them out was by watching the infomercial.
"Have you ever wanted personal servants, but couldn't afford
them? Well, now you can! For six easy instalments of 50000
yen you can own a clone to do your every bidding! Here's
Akagi Ritsuko to tell us more!"
"Whhhhat?" Shinji sat up.
"Hi Everybody!" gushed Ritsuko. "I have great news. Not
only does Nerv want to help protect your lives, but we want
to improve your lives! Our first model is designed after no
one else but the Commander of Nerv, Ikari Gendou!"
"Father?!" cried Shinji.
A clone came out. The audience clapped.
"And, with today's special offer, you can also get a clone
of this beautiful and demure Evangelion Pilot, Ayanami Rei,
for no extra cost! How's that for a bargain?"
The audience clapped and cheered, also bringing a few
whistles from some of the men.
"Future Models will include . . . Katsuragi Misato . . ."
she showed a picture on the screen in the studio. The males
(and probably a few females) went wild.
" . . . Asuka Soryuu Langley . . . a clone with a spirit to
spice up your lives . . ."
Asuka's picture appeared. More cheers and whistles.
"And erm . . . oh well, nevermind that one." Ritsuko flipped
through a picture quickly to get on to the next.
"That was me!" yelped Shinji. "Why . . . why did she flip
through it so fast . . ."
"Kaji Ryougi . . ."
"Oh He's cute!" came a cry from the audience. "You said we
can do ANYTHING with them?"
"That's right!" chirped Ritsuko. "But this model isn't
ready yet. However, you can pre-order whatever model you
like! And, at a special premium discount!"
"We like this don't we everyone?" said the annoying host.
The audience cheered.
"Now folks in TV land, you only have 22 minutes to act and
get this special deal! If you call within the next half
hour, not only will you get the complimentary Rei clone
along with your purchase, but you'll get a free NERV towel,
NERV tupperware and NERV mouse pad! This is too good an
offer to refuse! Order now!"
"Oh God . . ." moaned Shinji.
"I don't need to crawl at your feet . . . just 'cause you
cut me to the bone . . . and I don't miss the way that you
kiss me . . . we were never carved in stone . . . ye-ah! If
I don't listen to the talk of the town . . . then maybe I
can fool myself . . . I'll get over you, I know I will, I'll
pretend my ship's not sinking . . . and I won't shed a tear
for you I'll be the king of wishful thinking!"
"SHUDDUP!!!" screamed Tohji.
Kaworu plucked an earphone from his ear. "Oh, what -
was I singing?"
"YES . . . LIKE THE ENTIRE STUPID COLLECTION FOR THE PAST
HALF-HOUR!!!" a vein throbbed in Tohji's head.
"Calm down . . . it's just such great music . . . Fuyutsuki
was so kind to lend me this along with those mangas . . ."
Kaworu indicated a pile of dojinshis. "Oh . . . this is one
of my favorites!" he pushed the earphone back into his ear.
"Little Red Corvette! Ah Ah! Baby you're much too
fast!"
"I'm gonna kill him . . . so help me . . . I'm gonna kill
him . . ." Tohji growled.
"Sit down, Tohji . . . read a manga . . . we still have
to wait until the Units are ready for the new experiments."
said Shinji.
Tohji grumpily picked up a manga. Soon as he opened it, it
flew across the room and hit the wall. (he threw it)
"What?" queried Shinji innocently.
"I'm not reading any of THAT kind of stuff!" cried Tohji,
miserable.
"I don't understand . . ." said Shinji innocently.
Tohji let his head fall back on the chair and pretended to
be asleep.
"What? What's he talking about?" Shinji looked from Rei to
Asuka to Hikari.
"All of those dojinshi's are yaoi." said Hikari.
"What?"
"Depictions of what you and Kaworu do in the Shower. ."
said Asuka viciously.
Shinji turned bright red, but then got angry. "At least I
get some action you . . ."
"What? C'mon Third Child . . . spit it out!" she
challenged.
"You . . . flirt! It's pretty pathetic when more people are
willing to sleep with me than someone like you . . . who's
such a miserable flirt!"
(I had written something worse here, but I decided to reword
it)
"You're dead!!!" Asuka screamed, wringing his neck. Shinji
began to turn blue but was still glaring at her defiantly.
"Asuka . . ." he choked "Admit it . . . you're jealous!"
"I am not!" she strangled him more ferociously.
"Touch Me! Touch me! I wanna feel your body!" sung Kaworu,
oblivious.
"Oh brother." mumbled Hikari.
Tohji felt sick to his stomach . . . he started to moan.
"Anybody got a Rolaid?" Suddenly, a little alien popped
out of his chest.
"Aaack!" screamed Hikari.
"Ohh . . . disgusting . . ." said Asuka, releasing her grip
slightly on Shinji's neck.
"Brother!" cried the Alien in Tohji's chest. "Why did you
betray us? You know what this means . . ."
"Ohhh . . . no . . ." moaned Kaworu.
"Kaworu-kun? What's going on?" said Shinji - vulnerable.
"Sheesh, you mean you didn't know?" said Tohji, somehow in
perfectly functional condition despite the small alien
residing in his chest.
"Nagisa's an Angel."
"Kaworu-kun! Tell me it's not true!"
"All right . . . it's not true."
"Lying." said The As Of Yet Unnamed Alien Residing In
Tohji's Ribcage.
"Be Quiet, Cheeto!" cried Kaworu hopelessly.
Cheeto pouted. "No need to be so rude. Besides, in a
serious relationship you shouldn't keep secrets."
"No secrets at all?"
"Nope! Remember that Oprah episode?"
Kaworu cleared his throat. "Shinji, I'm an angel . . ."
"I already know that!" screamed Shinji, very upset.
"And . . . well . . . I'm also gay."
"No kidding?" said Asuka sarcastically.
"I know that too!" said Shinji.
"Well . . . maybe you didn't know this." Kaworu leaned
over and got near his ear. "Darth Vader is your father."
"No he's not!"
"Oh . . . oops . . . right . . . your father is the
Cancer Man!"
"No, my father is Ikari Gendou . . . You know that!"
"No, he doesn't." Cheeto piped up. "I've already
started the process of eliminating his psyche."
"What?" cried everyone but Rei.
(they say "What" far too often in this story, don't they?)
"In other words, he's gonna turn into a pile icky yucky
alien gooo."
"No!" cried Shinji, very (melo)dramatically
"Shinji-kun . . . I'm so sorry I lied to you . . ." said
Kaworu as he started to melt.
"Kaworu-kun . . . NOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!"
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Me thinks Shinji would be better off if Darth Vader was, in
fact, his father.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Misato stood in a dark room, still as a statue.
If you weren't to busy examining the profoundness of every
word they spoke, you'd probably notice that these still-
shots weren't just to make you think in new perspectives.
The reality is, Gainax blew their budget.
"And the new pilots are?" she queried.
Ritsuko answered, also standing perfectly still in darkness.
"Seventh child, Pen Pen."
"Pen Pen?" cried Misato.
"No other options." said Ritsuko dryly.
"Eighth child is . . .?"
"The mold on that old TV dinner that's been sitting in your
refrigerator for three years now."
"You've got to be kidding! What about . . . ummm . . .
Kensuke?"
"Aida Kensuke will never be an Eva pilot."
"Why not?!?"
Ritsuko seemed embarrassed. "That's on a *Need to know*
priority*"
"Yeah well, I need to know! That stupid kid's been coming
over to my apartment at least three times a day, begging me
to let him try! It's pathetic!"
"Pathetic? Do not call Kensuke pathetic!!!" Ritsuko seemed
really angry by her voice, though she had no expression
because of the darkness and hadn't moved at all.
"Why are you so protective of him? Tell me the truth!"
"You want the truth? You can't handle the truth!"
"Rit-chan . . ."
"Ah, hell . . . fine. Kensuke is the son of Lilith and
Evangelion Unit 03."
"What are you talking about?" cried Misato frustrated, still
not budging from her spot.
"Well . . . everyone knows Lilith is a little tramp."
Chapter Seven: Gendou 60000
"Kaworu-kun . . ." sobbed Shinji
"Ha ha, psych!" cried Cheeto (or was it Frito, yes it
was Frito, wasn't it?)
Kaworu regained his former (very pleasing . . . so help me I
think he's cute) shape, and grinned.
"Frito, that was a very inconsiderate thing to do!"
scolded Kaworu. "You had me thinking you were actually
going to do it!"
"Aww . . . c'mon . . . you know I'd never do that to
you!" cried Frito. (No! IT was CHEETO, I went back and
checked! Apologies!)
"You mean . . . it was just a JOKE?" asked Shinji.
Cheeto nodded.
Shinji ripped the alien(angel) out of Tohji's chest and
started to stomp on it.
"You stupid ball of slime! Do you have any idea how many
times I've been traumatized it the past few days? I DO NOT
LIKE JOKES!!! STOMP! SQUISH! STOMP!"
Kaworu grabbed Shinji by the arm. "Stop it, Shinji-kun!
Cheeto doesn't know any better, he's just a child!"
Shinji finally stopped stomping and gazed at Kaworu. "I was
afraid . . . you were going to leave me alone . . ."
"I'd never desert you, Shinji-kun." Kaworu said softly,
smiling.
Meanwhile, Asuka was making wild gestures that she was about
to throw up and Tohji was staring at the gaping hole in his
chest. "I can see my lungs and heart . . . this is so
cool!" he cried. He then glared at the author again. "Do
you really think I'd react like that?" he muttered.
The Author sweatdropped. "Sorry."
Kensuke had somehow gotten into Nerv and walked into the
room. (He probably just shoved his Zellers card in the slot
and got let in.)
"Tohji! Man . . . you look bad!"
"Hey Kensuke . . . if you look from this direction, you
can see part of my intestine!" he cried jubilantly.
"We have to get him fixed!" cried Hikari, terribly upset
about the physical condition of her first love.
"THAT'S FOR SURE!" cried Asuka, snickering.
"You are such a pervert." muttered Shinji.
Just then, the group realized Kensuke was glowing.
"Hey . . . man . . . you've been getting too much radiation
off that computer of yours or somethin'." said Tohji.
Kensuke collected a ball of light in his hands and threw it
so it struck Tohji in the chest.
"Good as new . . ." said Hikari in awe.
"How the heck did you do that, Kensuke?" cried Asuka.
"I . . . I've finally remembered . . ." Kensuke climbed up
on top of a table and took a victory pose. "I . . . I am
the son of a Goddess and an Evangelion!"
"You mean to tell me that our Eva's our capable of
reproduction and YOU are the product? That's absolutely
pathetic!" shrieked Asuka.
"Do not call me pathetic! I am . . . a GOD!" Kensuke
screamed and started to hover in the air.
"Pretty homely god . . ." said Asuka dryly.
"I've had enough of you blasphemy! Die YOU!!!!" Kensuke
collected another sphere of light in his hands. (this time
it was red)
He launched the ball of light at Asuka. Hikari leapt in
front of her, taking the bolt straight in the chest. She
collapsed to the ground.
"Hikari-chan!" cried everyone.
"Hikari . . . why did you do that?" scolded Asuka.
"Because . . . you're my friend . . . and I have to
protect you . . ."
Tohji had also appeared by Hikari's side.
"Tohji-kun . . ." she smiled weakly.
"C'mon Hikari, I can't stand this . . ."
Tohji glared at the author. "This is supposed to be a
parody, dammit! Nobody's allowed to die!"
The author shrugged. "Take it up with Kensuke."
Tohji glared at Kensuke. "If she dies, I'll kill you!"
"I'm so scared!" cried Kensuke sarcastically, corrupted
by his newfound powers.
"Kensuke! Bring her back!" screamed Shinji.
"She's my best friend!" said Asuka. "I won't forgive this!"
"Someone so kind . . . deserves to live." said Kaworu.
Meanwhile, Hikari was babbling "Jesus wants me for a
sunbeam, a sunbeam, a sunbeam . . . gee, and I'm already
glowing!"
Rei, who had just walked into the room (or maybe she was
already in the room, for all I know) spoke.
"Kensuke . . . remember what is important." she said
softly.
Kensuke stared at Rei for a few moments. "You speak for my
mother . . . don't you?"
Ayanami nodded. "These are your friends. You can't just
kill them whenever you feel like it."
"Why not? They're so annoying . . . and flawed!"
"I'm not flawed!" cried Kaworu. "I'm an angel."
Kensuke was not impressed. "A fallen angel . . . corrupted
by this world. None of you really care about me, why should
I bother saving you?"
Hikari started to cough. "Because you're a good person!"
She started to cough more . . . coughing up blood. Tohji
was supporting her with his arm. (awwww ^.^kawaii, No Da!)
"Shouldn't you be dead by now?" said Kensuke tiredly.
Hikari shook her head. "I want to live!"
Rei was steadily staring at Kensuke.
"You know you can't do this!" cried Shinji.
"Oh . . . . fine." Kensuke muttered. He threw a ball
of white light at Hikari. she glowed for a few moments
longer. She then opened her eyes, good as new.
Tohji smiled at her. She smiled at him. Everyone was
smiling at each other. Something's wrong with this picture.
Oh, that's right, it's an Evangelion story.
The Angel alarm went off, like the bell on a microwave oven.
"Angel 29 has been located inside Nerv Headquarters.
All pilots and personnel please report to the control room!"
came Misato's voice over the speaker.
"Speaking of angels . . . where did Cheeto go?" said
Shinji. No one answered him.
The pilots rushed into the control room. There, Kaworu was
grabbed and cuffed by some security guards.
"What's going on here?!" cried Shinji.
"Nagisa Kaworu is an Angel." said Major Katusuragi.
"I know that, Misato-san! But Kaworu's here to help,
he doesn't want to fight us!" protested Shinji.
"He is the enemy." said several ominous voices from
above. Four Ikari Gendou's glared down on them from his
podium. Kozo Fuyutsuki, standing beside him, rolled his
eyes.
"Father! Whichever one of you he is . . . Why are you
doing this?!?"
"Because I can." the four Gendou's said together.
Tohji scratched his chin. "Four Gendous. . . . now that's
nasty."
"There are actually 60000, thus far." said Ayanami Rei
quietly.
Akagi Ritsuko frowned. "We probably shouldn't have cloned
so many of them . . ."
"You cloned them? That's so sick!" cried Asuka.
Rei shrugged. "It was fun in the beginning."
"Uhh. . . somebody is piloting our Eva's . . ." said
Tohji.
Everyone whirled around and stared into the Big Room.
Each Eva was moving about, swarming with thousands of clones
of their pilots crawling all over them.
"This is disgusting!" cried Asuka "There should only be
one, count 'em, ONE Asuka Langley Soryuu!"
"No kidding." grunted Tohji dryly.
"Oh heck!" cried Ritsuko "Release the Angel . . . maybe he
can inflict some damage on all of these stupid clones."
The security guards removed the handcuffs. (They must have
been really special, in order to restrain an angel.)
Shinji and Kaworu embraced. Kaworu turned back to the
security guards. "Excuse me, fellows . . . do you know
where I can get a pair of those?"
The security guards developed severe sweatdrops.
"An angel who's a sex fiend . . . that's new." said
Maya dryly, from her post.
Kaworu nodded to Ritsuko. "I'll take care of it."
"Doctor Akagi!" screamed the Gendous. "What exactly do
you think you're doing??? This is mutiny!"
"You got that right, babe - I'm bored with you!
Kensuke . . . be a sweetheart and shut him up permanently,
would you?"
Kensuke nodded, and, using his heavenly powers, quickly
dispatched the Gendous. All of the Gendous. All the clones
everywhere died. (thankgoodness! Let's hear it for
Kensuke! Hip Hip Hooray!)
Kaworu was floating around in the Big Room. He methodically
eliminated all of the clones. First, all of the Rei Clones,
then all the Asuka clones, then the Shinji clones, the Tohji
clones, the Hikari clones, and yes, the Pen Pen and freezer
Mildew clones.
Everybody cheered. Not only had they annihilated all the
clones, but they'd knocked off their Commander as well.
Rei sighed. It was a bit of a shame. She was, however, not
too disappointed, since Rei is not known to have that many
interesting emotions.
Everybody was hugging each other, and it started to seem
like it would be a happy ending. What is going on? Did you
forget that this is an Eva story?
The microwave buzzer, er, I mean Angel alarm went off again.
"Sir!" cried Maya Ibuki. "There are three angels
surrounding Tokyo-3!"
"Bummer." said Kozo. "Guess this story is going to
drag on for one more chapter."
Chapter Seven: For you, my not - so - pure, rather messed
up heart. Or Those Crunchy Spicy Snacks will Give you
Indigestion Every Time!
Cheeto, Frito and the just now introduced Dorito formed a
power circle around the city of Tokyo-3. The buildings
shrunk down into the ground.
The Eva's were launched. Kaworu borrowed Pen Pen's Eva for
this occasion (a brilliant chibi-moon pink one) so all of
our erm . . . inner five Evangelion pilots were launched.
"Kaworu is such a pain in the butt!" cried Dorito. "I say
we exterminate him!"
"But he's one of us!" protested Frito.
"Yes, he's our friend!" said Cheeto.
"NO, you dolts, he used to be our friend! Now he's
betrayed us for the love of a Huuman!" (human being
pronounced much the way Quark does on DS9)
"Oh, fiddlesticks." muttered Frito. "I suppose you're
right. Let's just get this over with as fast as possible."
The angels nodded, and the battle commenced.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Because the author is not very good at writing action scenes
we shall just skip some of it, okay?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The Eva's were in a bad state. The Angels had the upper
hand. Rei and Asuka had been incapacitated early on, and
were now taking naps uselessly on the side of some building.
Tohji had lost (well his Eva had lost, you know what I
mean!) both of his arms, and so was basically trying to
headbutt or stomp on the Angels. Hikari was bashing them
with a giant Chinese umbrella (budget cuts!)
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
More time passes, Tohji falls, Hikari's distracted, Hikari
falls, fill with much angst etcetera, etcetera. Now we're
down to Purpley (Eva 03) and Pinky (Eva I can't bother to
figure out the number.) Shinji's and Kaworu's respectively.
They have tried everything . . . they are getting desperate.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Misato appeared in the viewscreen of their Eva's. "You
guys! Syncronize! Dance!"
"Oh no, not that again!" protested Shinji
"Yay!" cried Kaworu. "Can we do the Time Warp?"
"Whatever you want . . . just defeat the Angels, okay?"
grunted Misato, disappearing.
Visually Picture two Eva's doing the Time Warp from the
Rocky Horror Picture Show. Scary, isn't it? Didn't work
either. Shinji's defeated. Kaworu's upset by this, and so
resorts to his last . . . well, his last resort.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Kaworu's Eva munched and crunched. "It all comes back to
cannibalism, doesn't it?" cried Cheeto as he was popped into
the fluorescent pink Eva's teeth.
"I'm sorry." said Kaworu. "But I can't really let you guys
win, because then the ending to this story would be
depressing."
Kaworu was starting to feel sick. "I don't think I can eat
all of this . . ." he moaned.
Suddenly, Jesus' brother Bob appeared.
"Who are you?!" cried Kaworu
"I'm Bob. I eat Doritos. And so must you, in order to save
your friends."
"I can't . . . I'm going to explode!"
"Nagisa Kaworu, you must do your best. I believe in you."
"You're right." Kaworu got a determined expression on
his face. "I will! Thank-you, Bob."
"Your Welcome." Bob vanished as mysteriously as he had
come.
And, although this is an Eva story, it is also a Parody,
which means it's not allowed to have an incredibly
depressing ending.
Munch Munch Munch Munch Munch Munch Munch Munch!
Kaworu lay in a hospital clutching his stomach and moaning.
He stared up at the unfamiliar ceiling and thought of
Shinji.
Just at that moment, Shinji entered. (Ooh! Psychic!)
"Hello . . . how are you feeling?" he asked gently.
"Like I just ate all the Cheetos, Fritos and Doritos that
were ever manufactured."
"I'm sorry, Kaworu-kun."
"It's all right, because of you I have a reason to be
alive."
"I love you." said Shinji.
"I know." said Kaworu.
"Waii! Waii! That's so sweet!" came a cute voice from the
hallway.
"Be quiet, Hikari!" scolded Asuka.
"Are you guys going to come in or not?" said Shinji.
One by one, the group crept into the hospital room. Hikari,
followed by Tohji, followed by Kensuke, followed by Rei,
followed by Asuka.
"Well . . . thanks for saving our lives and everything."
grumbled Tohji.
"You're Welcome Suzuhara-san."
Hikari prodded him in the shoulder. "Yeah well, you can
call me by my first name if you want . . . seeing that we're
friends an' all."
"All right Tohji-kun." Kaworu grinned.
"Thanks a lot, Kaworu-kun!" cried Hikari chipperly.
Kaworu nodded.
"Brought you something special, Nagisa!" said Asuka
gleefully, tossing him a bag.
He pulled out . . . a bag of Cheetos.
"Uhhhh . . . ."
Shinji snatched the snack and stuffed it under the bed, at
the sight of Kaworu's face starting to turn slightly green.
"What, don't you like it? Aren't you going to eat it?"
cried Asuka, giving the puppy eyes she usually reserves for
Kaji.
"Uhhh . . . yeah, I will Soryuu-san . . . but I'll save
it for later, okay?"
Asuka cackled evilly.
"Thank-you Kaworu." said Rei.
"You're welcome Rei-chan." he winked at her.
Shinji, again, seemed rather jealous.
But Everyone was happy, as unusual as it may be.
Sven, the janitor comes into the theatre.
"DAT IS DE END!" he announces.
"NOW GET OUT! BECUZ NOWHERE ON YOUR TICKET DOES IT SAY DAT
YOU CAN SLEEP HERE!!" He sweeps up the theatre, mumbling
"Vat a disastur area!"
*********************THE END*******************************
Comments? Send them to:
ef991@freenet.carleton.ca
But don't be too harsh! I'm just a kid . . . with a twisted
sense of humour. Arigato! ^-^
All Characters property of Gainax and God (a.k.a. Sadamoto
Yoshiyuki) Sorry for how badly I contorted them, huh? ^-^;;
Eek, I just realized how much I " . . . " Sorry!
(
geocities.com/tokyo/shrine) (
geocities.com/tokyo)