posted 09-03-98 1:45 AM ET (US)
(I am sorry! This came to me with no credit
for the writer, and it's very funny.)
Recently I was honored to be selected as an
Outstanding Famous Celebrity in my community
to be a judge at a chili cook-off because no
one else wanted to do it. Also the original
person called in sick at the last moment and
I happened to be standing there at the
judge's table asking directions to the beer
wagon when the call came. I was assured by
the other two judges that the chili wouldn't
be all that spicy, and besides they told me I
could have free beer during the tasting, so I
accepted this as being one of those burdens
you endure when you're an Internet writer and
therefore known and adored by all. Here are
the scorecards from the event:
Chili # 1: Mike's Maniac Mobster Monster Chili
JUDGE ONE: A little too heavy on tomato.
Amusing kick.
JUDGE TWO: Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very
mild.
CAMERON: Holy smokes, what is this stuff?
You could remove dried paint from your
driveway with it. Took me two beers to put
the flames out. Hope that's the worst one.
These people are crazy.
Chili # 2: Arthur's Afterburner Chili
JUDGE ONE: Smoky (barbecue?) with a hint
of pork. Slight Jalapeno tang.
JUDGE TWO: Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more
peppers to be taken seriously.
CAMERON: Keep this out of reach of children!
I'm not sure what I am supposed to taste
besides pain. I had to wave off two people
who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver.
Shoved my way to the front of the beer line.
The barmaid looks like a professional
wrestler after a bad night. She was so
irritated over my gagging sounds that the
snake tattoo under her eye started to twitch.
She has arms like Popeye and a face like
Winston Churchill. I will NOT pick a fight
with her.
Chili # 3: Fred's Famous Burn Down the Barn Chili
JUDGE ONE: Excellent firehouse chili! Great
kick. Needs more beans.
JUDGE TWO: A beanless chili, a bit salty,
good use of red peppers.
CAMERON: This has got to be a joke. Call
the EPA, I've located a uranium spill. My
nose feels like I have been sneezing Drano.
Everyone knows the routine by now and got
out of my way so I could make it to the beer
wagon. Barmaid pounded me on the back; now
my backbone is in the front part of my chest.
She said her friends call her "Sally."
Probably behind her back they call her
"Forklift."
Chili # 4: Bubba's Black Magic
JUDGE ONE: Black bean chili with almost no
spice. Disappointing.
JUDGE TWO: A hint of lime in the black
beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild
foods, not much of a chili.
CAMERON: I felt something scraping across my
tongue but was unable to taste it. Sally was
standing behind me with fresh refills so I
wouldn't have to dash over to see her. When
she winked at me her snake sort of coiled and
uncoiled -- it's kinda cute.
Chili # 5: Linda's Legal Lip Remover
JUDGE ONE: Meaty, strong chili. Cayenne
peppers freshly ground adding considerable
kick. Very impressive.
JUDGE TWO: Chili using shredded beef; could
use more tomato. Must admit the cayenne
peppers make a strong statement.
CAMERON: My ears are ringing and I can no
longer focus my eyes. I belched and four
people in front of me needed paramedics.
The contestant seemed hurt when I told her
that her chili had given me brain damage.
Sally saved my tongue by pouring beer
directly on it from a pitcher. Sort of
irritates me that one of the other judges
asked me to stop screaming.
Chili # 6: Vera's Very Vegetarian Variety
JUDGE ONE: Thin yet bold vegetarian variety
chili. Good balance of spice and peppers.
JUDGE TWO: The best yet. Aggressive use of
peppers, onions, and garlic. Superb.
CAMERON: My intestines are now a straight
pipe filled with gaseous flames. No one
seems inclined to stand behind me except
Sally. I asked if she wants to go dancing
later.
Chili # 7: Susan's Screaming Sensation Chili
JUDGE ONE: A mediocre chili with too much
reliance on canned peppers.
JUDGE TWO: Ho Hum, tastes as if the chef
threw in canned chili peppers at the last
moment. I should note that I am worried
about Judge Number 3, he appears to be in a
bit of distress.
CAMERON: You could put a hand grenade in my
mouth and pull the pin and I wouldn't feel
it. I've lost the sight in one eye and the
world sounds like it is made of rushing
water. My clothes are covered with chili
which slid unnoticed out of my mouth at some
point. Good, at autopsy they'll know what
killed me. Go Sally, save yourself before
it's too late. Tell our children I'm sorry I
was not there to conceive them. I've decided
to stop breathing, it's too painful and I'm
not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air
I'll just let it in through the hole in my
stomach. Call the X-Files people and tell
them I've found a super nova on my tongue.
