Dragonball Z: THE ARRIVAL OF RADDITZ

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Sound bytes at the end of the experiment

THE ARRIVAL OF RADITZ -- Episode 1 (English dub)

(The opening montage plays. It consists of a hard rock score, a series of scenes cobbled together from the series, and an obnoxious chorus that goes "Dragon, Dragon -- rock the Dragon, Dragon -- Ball -- Z; Dragon, Dragon--rock the Dragon, come -- with -- me!" As it plays, MIKE NELSON, CROW T. ROBOT and TOM SERVO enter and find their seats.)

(MIKE: is a human, clean-cut, who tends to wear jumpsuits or the occasional sailor suit. He really, really, REALLY resents being forced to watch one of those "violent Japanese porn cartoons" and is not going to give this or any other anime half a chance.)

(TOM: is a small, red robot with a clear plastic head. He bears a strong resemblance to a gum-ball machine. Although he is not crazy about this, he likes big explosions (occasionally he even is a big explosion), so he thinks he can tolerate this to some extent. Tom's sarcasm modulator has never worked quite right, leading to occasional offensive in-your-face commentary.)

(CROW: is a medium-sized, whisper-thin gold robot with a long, protruding snout and lattice work on the back of his head. Of the three, he has historically been the biggest basher of Japanese pop culture--but he has a secret fascination with a couple of Dragonball-Z's main characters, and is not as upset about this as he pretends to be. Crow's biggest weakness is a tendency toward motion sickness, which some of the special effects in Dragonball Z are likely to aggravate.)

Mike: I can't believe Mrs. Forrester is making us watch one of these violent, pornographic Japanese cartoons!
Crow: It's called "anime." This one isn't pornographic. Um, so I'm told. I wouldn't know, of course.
Tom: How's about we just call it boring and say we're done?
Crow: Hey, you haven't even given it a chance yet!
Mike: Pearl sends us something she thinks is going to destroy us, and you think we should just sit here passively and be destroyed?
Crow: I'm just saying it might not be that bad, that's all! Geez...

(In space, a bright light flares and then speeds by the camera. A circular space ship heads toward a blue cloud-wreathed planet.)

Tom: Okay, here we go. Who wants the first riff?
Mike: Ummm... (woodenly) "Oh, look. They really hit that one out of the park. Heh, heh."
Tom: This is gonna bite big time...

(Long legged pink birds peck at the green grass in an alpine meadow)

Crow: It's one of Montana's legendary pink lawn flamingo farms.
Mike: I WANT OUT OF HERE!
Tom: Easy, Mike, it's just the first two minutes. Take a deep breath...that's right.

Voice: (sort of singing) Do-di-do-di-do

Crow: Frank Sinatra's really not in good voice today.
Tom: Death really takes it out on your vocal chords-- Geez, that was dark and lame. I'm gonna need a sec to clear my head...(Tom starts reciting a mantra of "Om...Om...")
Mike: (whimpers)

(A farmer stands next to a blue Chevrolet truck, using a pitchfork to toss hay in.)

Crow: (singing an old advertising ditty) "See the U.S.A in your Chevrolet..." Guys, I could use some help here!
Tom: (stops his chanting for a second) We'll toss in when we can. Om...

Farmer: (southern hick accent) Whew-ee! This job's bigger than I thought!

(He looks up). Huh?

Crow: (hick accent) Who knew plastic birds crapped this big?

(A fireball approaches. The farmer is bathed in red light as it passes just over him and crashes just over a nearby ridge. The birds run around in panic.)

Farmer: I guess I'd better go check it out.

Crow: Not like I have anything to live for. (Long pause) Tom, will you cut that the heck out!
Tom: (stops chanting) Oh! Sorry. I'm ready now. (Clears throat)

Farmer: (pause) Why me?

Tom: Because you're the useless ancillary character, and you've got to do what a useless ancillary character does! C'mon, now--go get killed!

(Title Screen: THE ARRIVAL OF RADITZ)

THE ARRIVAL OF RADITZ

(The farmer races toward the fallen celestial object in his Chevy pick-up truck)

Mike: Okay, I can do this--ahem. (sings off key) "See the U.S.A. in your Chevrolet!
Crow: I did that already, Mike.
Tom: Mike, honey, take some more deep breaths.

Farmer: (gulping as he gets out of the truck) I better bring my pea-shooter.

Crow: (hick accent) On account of I saw that Hollywood motion picture about them there pod people.

(The farmer stands near the edge of a very large impact crater. Inside the crater, a round, white object steams)

Tom: Hey, I've been raising Cassowaries next to old Faithful.

Farmer: (clutching a shotgun) It's no meteor. It's made of steel! (Makes whimpering sounds, then:) I'll be darned!

ALL: (as Gomer Pyle) Golly!


"It's Vidal Sassoon's eighties hair style!"
(One side of the white object opens with a creak. The farmer gapes. A bright light shines, then a hand grasps the edge of the door. A shadowy Alien steps out.)

Farmer: (more terrified sounds)

(The camera goes black except for little jags around the edge. Then feet are seen as something with a lot of hair levitates out of the impact crater.)

Mike: My God, no -- it's Vidal Sassoon's eighties hair style!
Tom: He really went overboard on the volumnizer!

(The Alien lands. The camera pans slowly over booted feet, bare legs with a strap around one thigh, brown flaps that cover groin and flanks, an armored chest, shoulder guards, and a pale, stern face with a deep widow's peak. The Alien is wearing a lens over one eye attached to an earpiece.)

ALL: AHHHH!
Mike: That's a lot more of Vidal Sassoon than I ever wanted to see!
Crow: It's a lot more than Beverly Sassoon ever saw...

Alien: So the creatures on this planet are still alive. Kakarot has failed us!

Farmer: (yet more terrified sounds)

Tom: (hick accent) Hey, y'all call this living?

Farmer: (mumbles) You're...on...my...property...

Mike: (squeaky) Um, please leave? Pretty please?

(Farmer loads shotgun)

Alien: Is that so? (Close-up of his face as he touches the side of the earpiece.)

Mike: I'm just going to change the tape here to something more appropriate to snuff you by...There!

(The Alien advances on the farmer)

Alien: Your power level is puny. Level 5. Too bad...

Tom: You should have used the extra hold pomade.

(Camera shows what the farmer looks like through the scouter...green-tinged, out-lined in yellow, with mathematical symbols in one corner)

Farmer: Don't you come any closer! I'll use this thing!

Mike: It's more powerful than it seems! It doubles as a LAPD baseball bat!

(Alien moves forward. The farmer stumbles back, screaming. The shotgun goes off.)

Tom: (hick accent) Darn, why didn't I take notes when I watched that Chuck Heston "How To Use Your Shotgun To Kill Aliens On Your Property" video!

(The Alien moves his hand in front of his forehead and grabs the bullet. He chuckles.)

Tom: (as a baseball announcer) And it's outta the park--no, a quick grab by the guy with the hair! He's outta there!

Alien: Here; catch.

(He flips the bullet like a marble; it shatters the shotgun. The farmer flies back and hits the front grill of the Chevy. Another close-up of the Alien's face; he's smirking.)

Mike: (British) Take that, L'Oreal!

Alien: Hmph. What a fragile breed of people.

Tom: Well made truck, though. Hardly dented the grill!

(There's a beeping noise.)

Alien: Hmmm? (He turns his head. The scouter shows an arrow pointing toward some mountains.) There's a high power level over there! Must be Kakarot. (He pushes off against the ground, and starts flying toward the mountains.) Prepare yourself, Kakarot! I'm coming...(echoes) -ing, -ing, -ing...

(Scene changes to a peaceful-looking mountain vista. A hawk flies over head. A deer walks by. Songbirds make tweety sounds. In a small round house, a woman looks out a window. Behind her is a table heavily loaded with food.)

Woman: Gohan! Time to come in! Gohan!

(Outside, a man in a loose-fitting, sleeveless outfit is jumping from tree limb to tree limb.)

Tom: George, George, George of the Jungle!
Mike: (dull) Watch out for that tree.

(Figure lands. The camera does a slow body scan from the ground up, ending on a cheerful, smiling face.)

ALL: AHHHH!
Mike: Well, at least this one had pants on.

Man: Ah. This one ought to do.

(The man is standing in front of a very, very wide tree. He takes an offensive fighting stance.)

Tom: Okay, tree, this is it. I've raked leaves for the very last time!

Man: Hai! (He punches the tree)

(Long shot of the forest, with one of the trees slowly tipping over.)

Mike: Obviously one of the timber industry's elite commandos.
Crow: Hey, someone has to deal with those obnoxious environmentalists!
Tom: Not to mention those uppity redwoods.

Woman: (who has now come outside to call) Hey, Gohan! (She stops and smiles.) Hey, Goku. Think you've got enough firewood, there?

Crow: Yeah, for today, anyway.

(Goku carries the tree to the house and drops it at the woman's feet.)

Goku: Yeah, that ought to do, don't you think?

Mike: I really showed that 500-year-old last-refuge-for-the-spotted-owl who's boss, huh?

Woman: You're going to hurt yourself doing that one of these days.

Tom: And there's that mob hit the oaks put out on you...

Goku: Ah, I'm fine. Where's Gohan?

Tom: (shouting) Lay off, lay off, you're smothering me!

Woman: (sighing) I don't know. But you better go find him. You two are suppose to be at Master Roshi's soon.

Goku: Oh, yeah, that's right.

Woman: You better take the flying nimbus, or you'll be late for your reunion.

Goku: (running off) Bye, Chi-chi!


"Abu on vacation."
Chi-chi: Goku, be careful! Oh, all this worrying is going to give me wrinkles.

(Meanwhile, in a more desert like terrain, a caped figure surveys the landscape.)

Mike: Abu on vacation.

(The figure suddenly whirls around. There's a close-up of a green face with bulging eyes and sharp fangs)

ALL: AHHHHH!
Mike: Norman Osborne!
Tom: Phil Urich!
Crow: Dr. Bart Hamilton!
Mike and Tom: Who?
Crow: (abashed) I don't know... Where'd that come from?

Green Guy: It can't be--! I've never felt such power--!

Tom: Someone who uses A Touch Of Mink hairspray is in the area!

(He stares off into the distance, the white cape snapping behind him)

Green Guy: It can't be Goku-- It's too horrible--

(A speck on the horizon resolves itself into the Alien that landed on Earth earlier)

Green Guy: Oh-oh.

Crow: It's worse than horrible. It doesn't have the decency to cover up its legs!

(Alien lands)

Alien: Excuse me for dropping in. I'm trying to find a man named Kakarot. I thought you were him.

Green Guy: You're excused. But maybe you should get glasses for both your eyes.

Alien: (unamused) You are a very funny man.

Mike: (eager) Wanna join my improv group?

Green Guy: Yeah? I wouldn't count on that.

Crow: I bombed on Amateur night.

Green Guy: Now, be off.

Alien: Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you?

Tom: (high-pitched) I've met your kind on other planets, jerk.

(The Alien looks through the lens. The Green Guy looks fairly yellowish through the green lens.)

Alien: Power level of three-hundred-and-twenty-two. I can tell you're not from this planet. But you'd be a fool to attack me...with such an insufficient power.

Green Guy: (taking a fighting stance) Now listen to me -- you came here! I have no interest in starting a fight!


"Thank goodness for that crotch concealer."
Alien: I do...

(Close-up of Green Guy's sweating face.)

(Camera shot from the ground, shooting up at Alien)

Mike: Whoa! Thank goodness for that crotch concealer.
Tom: I already feel like I'm waaay too intimate with this guy's physique.

(Another close-up of Green Guy's sweating face. Long pause.

Mike: Do I really want fry someone with this much hair? Think of the stench!

(Then a close up of Green Guy's arm, which bulges weirdly. Green Guy raises his arm and fires a blast of energy from his palm, which hits the Alien.)

(Green Guy grins...but when the dust clears, the Alien is floating over a blast crater.)

Tom: (British) Oh, I just knew you were with Max Factor!

Alien: Goodness! You've managed to singe some of my leg hairs.

Tom: Well, some pants would have prevented that!

(Green Guy freaks)

Mike: The power -- the hold -- the shine -- No, I'm being overcome by someone who uses better grooming products than I do -- ARGGG!

Alien: Allow me to demonstrate a more effective attack... I call this one here, Keep Your Eyes on the Birdie.

(He raises one hand. Green Guy seems frozen in terror.)

Alien: Now-- Keep your eyes on the birdie!

Mike: Tweet, tweet -- tweet, tweet. Let's all sing like the birdies do--
Tom: Mike, if you EVER use a riff from the Tiki Room again, you'll be seeing birdies!

(Alien's scouter blinks at him.)

Alien: Hmmm? I sense a strong power -- that must be him! (He takes off)

Tom: Rula Lenska, your V-05 hold is mine, girlfriend!

(Green Guy watches in amazement, then grits his teeth)

Green Guy: This guy could be a problem...

(Alien is flying over cloud level, speeding)

Alien: I'm coming, Kakarot... I can still remember the day when we sent you to this planet as an infant. (Flashback of a small, spiky-haired baby with a tail on a burning planet being put into a space pod, and people standing around watching as it takes off.) We had high hopes for you then. Why haven't you carried out your mission?

(Scene change to Goku, who is standing on a small, moving, yellow cloud and looking around. The cloud speed down to a wide lake and touches the water.)

Tom: (surfer voice) Hey, dude! I don't need no waves! Wooh-whoo!

(Goku is looking grim)

Goku: Gohan!

(A small boy is clinging to a branch.)

Gohan: Help me! I'm stuck up here! Help me!

(The yellow cloud, with Goku sitting on it, slowly rises underneath the branch.)

Gohan: Help, please! (He opens his eyes and sees Goku sitting in front of him.) Huh?

(Music changes to a brisk South Caribbean tune as the camera shows a small island with palm trees and a pink, A-frame house.)

Mike: But never mind the tense rescue of the little kid; let's go to Jamaica, mon!
(Mike and the 'Bots all bounce around in tune to the music)

(A craft that looks like a helicopter without rotors slowly hovers over the island...)

Tom: Ohmigod, no, the rotors fell off! Oh, the humanity!

(...and lands. A woman with short-blue hair leaps out and runs to the open front door of the house.)

Woman: Hello? Hel-lo? Hey, you guys!

Crow: (suddenly hyper) It's Bulma! There she is! Bulma, hi! Hi!
Mike: Who?
Tom: What?

(Inside, there is an old man with a beard, a small bald guy, and a sea turtle, all apparently preparing a meal.)

Guys: Hey, hi, Bulma!

Mike: Crow, you been peeking at the experiments ahead of time again?
Crow: (defensively) No!
Tom: You know it invalidates the data when you do that.
Crow: I have not!

Bulma: Wow, it's sure been a long time, hasn't it?

Old Guy: Yep, and you look as beautiful as you ever did.

Mike: (old guy voice) Of course, I never did get my prescription checked again after the '39 World's Fair.
Crow: (importantly) That's Master Roshi. He's a sensei.
Tom: You did peek at the experiment!
Crow: Did not!
Tom: Did too!

Bulma: Oh, you men. You're impossible.

Roshi: I guess you forgot about my truffles. But that's okay--I forgive you.

(Bulma holds out a Chinese-take-out food box)

Bulma: Surprise!

(Turtle looks ecstatic)

Bulma: See, I didn't forget.

Roshi: Goodness, you're going to spoil this old man.

(Over the ocean, the yellow cloud is zipping along, leaving a yellow trail in its wake. Gohan is shrieking with laugher as he sees sea-gulls and flying fish. Back in the house...)

Bald Guy: So, what's Yamcha up to nowadays, Bulma?

Bulma: (Looking furious) Errr, that idiot! He's playing baseball for one of the pro teams in the city. But he made me so mad I didn't even tell him we were going to be here today. I'm through with him! He took someone else out!

Crow: YAY! The field's already clear for... ah, ahem, I mean, how tragic.
Mike: You know these people or something, Crow?
Crow: No!

Roshi: Breaking up is hard to do.

Bald Guy: I wouldn't know...

Bulma: So, where's Goku at?

Bald Guy: He said he was going to be here. I guess he's on his way. (He opens the candy box and starts to dig in)

Roshi: Krillain, leave me some!

(Elsewhere, the ominous Alien is still flying along)

Alien: This power moves with great speed! But I will catch it...heh, heh, heh.

(An arrow in his eyepiece points; he turns over some mountains)

Tom: Whoa, a bank turn! Does that bring back memories or what?
Mike and Crow: (hum the theme to Star Fighters)

(The yellow cloud swoops down to the island)

Goku: Here we are, Gohan! (He leaps off the cloud, holding a nervous Gohan in his arms) Hey, is anyone home?

Bulma: Goku! Hey, who's the kid?

Krillain: Goku, babysitting? Well, I'll be darned.

Tom: I thought the courts said you couldn't do that any more.

Goku: (proudly) He's my son.

(The camera pans over Goku's astonished friends, who are performing the anime trick known as "face-faulting.")

Goku: Pretty wild, huh?

Bulma: Oh, Goku, he's adorable.

Goku: Gohan, say hi.

Gohan: (bows. The others bow back) Hello...everybody

Goku: This is Gohan.


" Ah, Genus Chelonia, species carnivorous."
Turtle: Awwww.

(Gohan looks at the turtle in complete terror)

Tom: Ah, Genus Chelonia, species carnivorous. Especially likes kids with tail wearing yellow jackets. I was warned about you on the National Geographic After School Special!

Roshi: You named him after your grandfather.

Goku: That's right.

(Gohan latches onto his father's leg as the turtle gets closer. Bulma kneels down in front of Gohan.)

Bulma: And how old are you?

Gohan: (slowly holds up four fingers) Five and a half.

Tom: Still working on the counting thing, I see.

Bulma: Are you going to be a brave fighter like your dad?

Goku: Chi-chi doesn't let him train.

Bulma: Oh? No martial arts, huh? What do you want to be when you grow up?

Gohan: An orthopedist.

Bulma: Wow. An orthopedist. Huh.

(The turtle moves next to Gohan; Gohan cringes)

Goku: He's just saying hi, Gohan.

Bulma: A tail...

(The turtle lowers his head; Gohan hesitantly raises a hand.)

Goku: Yeah, he was born with one, just like me. I think he wants to be petted, Gohan.

(Gohan pats the turtle. Bulma leaps up, alarmed.)

Bulma: Oh, man. Has anything strange ever happened to Gohan at night?

Mike: Besides the time he got kidnapped by aliens, you mean?
Crow: He turns into a giant monkey when he looks at the full moon.
Tom: (laughing) Oh, but who doesn't!

Goku: What do you mean?

Roshi: (leaping into the frame) She means, has Gohan ever looked at the moon at night when its full?

Goku: I don't think so. We all go to bed pretty early. Why?

(As Gohan climbs on the turtle's back, the others start acting really casual)

ALL: Why, oh, no reason, nothing...

(Turtle walks to the edge of the water with Gohan. Gohan starts chasing waves, but acts scared of them.)

Krillain: He's a lot different than you were when you were a kid.

Goku: (depressed) I know. Chi-chi's pretty protective of Gohan. She makes Gohan study all the time. She says martial arts are a waste of energy.

Mike: Why'd I have to go marry a woman with standards?

(Gohan is now playing "rock, scissors, paper" with a crab; the crab keeps coming up "scissors.")

Krillain: Well, what does that make us, then?

Old Guy: Boys, settle down, you can't expect everyone to agree with what you're doing. It would be all too easy, then.

(Crab squirts water (or something) on Gohan)

Old Guy: (laughing) Watch out, he might pinch you, Gohan! That crab's a sore loser.

(Gohan, laughing, runs back to his father.)

(Bulma looks at Gohan's hat.)

Bulma: That's a real dragonball on your hat, isn't it?

Mike: A what?!

Goku: Yep. It was my grandfather's. I've been collecting them for fun. Gohan wants to see the dragon, but he'll have to give his up.

Bulma: It's wild to think of all the things we went through to get those dragonballs.

Mike: WHAT?! Crow, you said this wasn't a porno cartoon!
Crow: It isn't, geez! Dragonballs are magic...um, (trailing off) I don't know anything...Just watch, okay?

Krillain: (picking up a rock and skipping it.) Hey, Goku; what are you guys going to wish for when you get them all?

Goku: (also picking up a rock and skipping it) I don't know, Krillain. That's a good question. Come to think of it, I don't really want anything.

(Goku's rock splits the water.)

Mike: Oops! (calling) Sorry, Flipper!
Tom: (makes noises like a really teed-off dolphin)

Old Guy: I thought Goku had less power now that he's settled down.

Krillain: You're still one bad dude, Goku!

Tom: That Goku is one bad mother...
Crow: (shocked) Shut your mouth!

(Goku suddenly freezes)

Goku: Man--something is heading straight for us...

Bulma: What? Are you sure?

Goku: I've never felt a power like this before.

Krillain: I feel it now, too...

Bulma: There's nothing there, you guys...

(Turtle looks up at the sky)

Goku: What is it? I've never felt anything this powerful--and it's a horrible power, too. I'm trembling...

Tom: (As Dr. Frank N. Furter) In antici...
Mike and Crow: SAY IT!
Tom: ...pation...

Old Guy: There--there! I see it, too!

Krillain: It can't be Piccolo...

Tom: It's Flute!
Crow: No, it's Clarinet!
Mike: Fife, guys. Definitely Fife.

(The ominous Alien heads for the island)

Old Guy: (as an image of the Alien reflects in his sunglasses) This isn't good...

Alien: (chuckling) So we meet again, at last... You've grown up.

Goku: Huh?

Alien: I recognize you, little Kakarot.

Goku: Kako--rot?

Alien: That's right. That's your name.

Everyone: Huh? What?

Krillain: Guess he's nuts.

Alien: Kakarot, what have you been doing here all these years? Your mission was to terminate all life forms on this planet. So, why haven't you carried it out?

(Goku looks nervously over his shoulder at the "life forms.")

Mike: (whispers) Shhh! I'm lulling them into a false sense of security.

Krillain: Listen, mister, I don't know who you are, but I think you've got the wrong party. (Waves a hand at the Alien) Shoo! Shoo! I think you've been digging into the eggnog. Allow me to show you off the island.

Goku: Krillain, look out!

(Something moves from around the Alien's waist. Krillain is flicked, screaming, into the side of the house.)

Mike: What did he just hit the bald guy with? Crow, this is a porno cartoon!
Crow: Now, Mike, the little guy just got belted.
Tom: Literally!

Goku: Krillain! (He whirls back on the stranger, and suddenly notices...)

Crow: See! That ain't no belt.

Goku: A tail! Hey, he's got a tail, too!

(The Alien's tail waves around a bit before he tucks it back around his waist)

Mike: That's...that's incredible disturbing.
Crow: Mike, you are such a wuss.

Alien: So you know who I am at last!

Goku: (high-pitched) What are you talking about! I've never seen you before!

(Gohan runs to his father; Bulma tries to stop him)

Goku: Gohan, get back!

Alien: Tell me; did you ever suffer a serious blow to the head when you were young?

Goku: (trying to get Gohan to let go of his leg) What?

Crow: Look, kid, just 'coz you've seen Rover doing this doesn't mean you should!

Alien: When you were a kid, did you ever hit your head?

Goku: Gohan...

(Bulma pulls Gohan away)

Tom: (as Gohan, hysterically) Daddy, daddy, no! (With sudden interest) Heeey, a girl. Cool!

Alien: (snarling) Did you hear me?

Goku: Yes! (He rubs the side of his head) I don't remember it very well, but I did hit my head when I was a child. I still have the scar

Alien: You fool! You forgot!

Goku: Forgot what! Tell me!

Master Roshi: Goku! There's something your grandfather told me that I think you should know.

Mike: (as Roshi) There's no such thing as Dilithium Crystals. They were made up by a science fiction writer!
Crow and Tom: NO!

Roshi: (flashback starts; an elderly man in traditional Chinese garb stands over a small, circular craft) A long time ago, your grandfather Gohan found a small spacecraft in the woods. And there you were; lying on the ground on a little round pod. Gohan tried to take you (image of baby Goku biting the hand of Grandfather Gohan), but you were wild; downright uncontrollable! (Series of images showing baby Goku resisting diapering, kicking Grandfather Gohan, throwing his bottle at Grandfather, etc.) You were unusually powerful for a baby. You wouldn't have anything to do with Gohan's kindness. (Image of Grandfather Gohan carrying a pouting baby Goku in a basket on his back.) Then one day, there was an accident! (Image of baby Goku jumping out of the basket and falling over the edge of a cliff). You fell into a ravine, and badly injured your head. But you recovered. (Image of a bandaged baby Goku in bed). And from that day on, you became a happy, loving boy. (Image of a beaming baby Goku standing next to Grandfather Gohan as flashback ends).

Mike: And the moral is...?
Tom: Stay away from crash sites involving preternaturally strong babies?
Crow: Oh, I know, I know! (Importantly) Kids getting hit on the head is a good thing.
Mike: You get a RAM-chip during break, Crow!
Crow: Yes!

Goku: I'm from outer space?

Roshi: Yes.

Mike: Diddly-der-hey!

Goku: (to Alien) All right, who are you? What do you want from me!?

Alien: I want to put you to work.

Mike: We need a "before" candidate for our make-over commercial

(Krillian climbs out of the hole he made in the house.)

Goku: Krillain, you all right?

Krillian: Careful, Goku. He's not...er, normal.

Mike: And I have to tell you about the owls, too.
Crow: Yeah, they're not what they seem. Everyone knows that by now.

Alien: You're not normal either, my forgetful friend.

Goku: Huh?

Alien: You were born on the planet Vegeta. You are a space fighter -- a Saiyan warrior! Just like me.

(Goku is seen reacting against an exploding background)

Tom: Oh, no, the planet blew up! Oh, wait; everything's okay now.

Alien: Allow me to introduce myself. I'm Raditz. Your big brother.

(Lots of Andy-Warhol type reaction shots from Goku.)

Mike: And the editor goes for the Omni award!

Krillain: Goku has a brother!?

Bulma: Goku--he looks like you!

Goku: Why should I believe you?

Krillian: Hey, that's right. Why would Goku live on Earth if he's from another planet?

Raditz: That's simple. We had important clients who were desperate for a planet like this one. So Kakarot was sent here to get it ready for takeover. (Close-up of Goku's eyes, with sweat running past them)

Mike: Is it hot in here...?

Raditz: You see, we Saiyans are sort of like -- planet brokers. (Fade out of Raditz's face; a montage of the solar system starts.) We find planets that will bring a high price in the galactic market, and we send warriors there to purge them of any life and make them ready for sale. (Images of Saiyan warriors attacking.)

Tom: (as 1930s gangster) Century 21 is taking over this neighborhood, see?
Crow: (ditto) The E.R.A. gang is muscling in on our terrority, boss!
Tom: Yeah? Well, it's time them and the fishes had a little talk, heh, heh, heh...

Raditz: We send adult fighters to planets with strong inhabitants, (image of a large ringed giant over a city, and a landing platform with a baby and an adult fighter about to take off) but for a weak planet like Earth, one of our babies is sufficient to carry out the order. Kakarot was sent to clean out this planet, but he obviously forgot his mission. (Flashback ends with an image of Goku's spacepod on Earth.)

Krillain: If what you say is true, you Saiyans are an abomination. You're space pirates, that's what you are!


" All right, Gohan's getting some!"
Bulma: (grabbing Gohan protectively) You send little babies off into space by themselves!

(Mike and the 'Bots speak together)
Mike: All right, Gohan's getting some!
Tom: Way to go, kid!
Crow: Whoo, whoo!

Raditz: That's enough! Don't get me mad.

Mike: (as TV's Dr. David Banner) You wouldn't like me mad.

Raditz: Kakarot! With the help of the full moon, you could have destroyed them all in a few years! If you only had remembered...!

Goku: What's a full moon got to do with it?

Tom: (singing as Tina Turner to the tune of "What's Love Got To Do With It?") What's a full moon except a planetary body?

(Raditz suddenly gasps and recoils)

Raditz: What happened to your tail, Kakarot?!

Goku: My tail? (He glances behind himself and looks down at his own backside)

Tom: Does this jumpsuit made me look fat?

Raditz: Answer me, now!

(Gohan looks at his tail)

Goku: It was removed for good a long time ago.

Raditz: You fool. Do you know what you've done? You true power is gone now! (A little window over his shoulder suddenly shows a see-through full moon) You've lost your ability to transform in the full moon. (Insert shows a glimpse of a roaring creature with a long muzzle and red eyes) Now I see how you can be on good terms with these -- weaklings!

Goku: Listen! This is my home, and these are my friends, so it doesn't matter what you say I am! You don't act like any brother I'd want to have. (He and Raditz stare at each other) My name is Goku, and I live here. Now leave us alone!


"This is just so droll..."
Bulma: Yeah, just go.

Roshi: Even if you are brothers, he doesn't have to destroy peaceful planets like you do.

(Raditz looks down, chuckling)

Krillain: He even saved this planet once, mister, so go away.

Raditz (chuckles, then looks up, slyly)

Tom: (British) This is just so droll...

(Raditz approaches Goku)

Raditz: So baby brother wants to be left alone. Well, it's a pity, but I can't allow that. Our home planet Vegeta met with an unfortunate accident.

Mike: Some idiot forgot to set the parking brake

Raditz: Three years ago a giant comet crashed into it, destroying everyone. The entire Saiyan race was destroyed.

(Everyone looks around at each other)

Crow: And this was a bad thing because...?

Raditz: Only four of us were gone when it happened. You're one of the four, Kakarot. You see, you're very valuable to us.

Tom: (as Raditz) You're an endangered species. We need to get you into the Intergalactic Zoo Breeding Program.
Crow: (as surfer-Goku) Cool! I'm outta here!

Radditz: In fact, we could use your help right now, little brother. We've found a choice planet that would go at a premium rate, but the job requires a little extra manpower. That's where you come in. (He leans over Goku) Well, now, what d'ya think? Are you excited? You should be! I've come to take you back into the fold.

(Close up of Gohan clinging to Bulma)

Tom: (as Gohan) I have real feelings for you, Aunt Bulma...

Goku: I've had enough! The answer is no!

Raditz: (smirking) Interesting.

(He looks past Goku at Gohan)

Raditz: A tail.

Tom: (drawling) Kakarott! You sly monkey, you!

Raditz: Now there's a true Saiyan. All right; I'll take the boy instead.

Bulma: (shrieks)

Gohan: No, you won't!

Tom: (as Gohan) I like it here just fine! In fact, really fine!

Goku: We'll see! (Snarling, he sets himself)

Raditz: I see the fire in you, brother. (He holds a hand out) You should come with us! (He closes the hand into a fist) It is in your blood! You love to fight.

Tom: (as Darth Vader) Give in to the dark side, Goku.
Mike: (as Luke) I'll never join you!
Tom: (as Darth) It is your destiny, Goku! Master Roshi never told you what happened to your brother...

(Raditz walks toward Goku)

Gohan: (still being clutched by Bulma) Get 'im, Dad!

Krillain: We're right here with you, Goku!

Goku: Just stay close to Gohan!

(Raditz suddenly blurs out of sight, then rematerializes in Goku's face. He kicks so quickly Goku can't react. Goku goes up in slow motion, is reflected on Master Roshi's sunglasses, then comes down hard on the sand.)

Tom: (speaking in slow motion) Ow -- that -- really -- smarted --

Gohan: (running to his father) Daddy!

(Goku is holding his ribs, moaning)

Crow: Too...many...truffles...

Bulma: Gohan, no!

Raditz: (chuckles, then grabs Gohan by the back of his clothes and holds him up so Goku can see.) Kakarot, listen carefully. I'm taking your kid with me while you think things over. It's high time the boy knew his uncle.

(Goku reaches up toward the camera as Raditz laughs)

Announcer: Next on Dragonball-Z:

ALL: (jumping and looking around) AHHHH!

Announcer: Goku finds an unlikely ally in Piccolo, and together the two face off against Goku's evil brother -- Raditz.

Tom: Who is that? Is that God?
Mike: God's got more important things to do. Maybe it's a moonlighting archangel.
Crow: How do you know God's got...? Mike! You've been looking at that spare copy of God's day planner Gypsy keeps in her room!
Mike: I have not!

(FUNimation logo comes up. Credits start rolling as Mike and the 'Bots exit)


The Arrival of Raditz
(Yeah, I know; too many sounds. But, heck, I like Raditz!)

He's my son.
"He's my son." (27K)

Goku and Gohan on Nimbus
Animinated gif of Goku & Gohan
(2.9 MB)

:
"Has Gohan ever looked
at the moon
when it's full?"
(46K)

Farmer: "I'd better bring my peashooter. (Gulp.)" (32K)

Raditz: "What a fragile breed of people." (27K)

Piccolo: "Maybe you should get glasses for both your eyes." (26K)

Raditz: "You are a very funny man." (26K)

Raditz: "You'd like that, wouldn't you?" (45K)

Raditz: "Goodness! You managed to singe some of my leg hairs." (58K)

Krillain: "Goku babysitting? Well, I'll be darned!" (37K)

Krillain: "You're still one bad dude, Goku!" (35K)

Goku: "I've never felt anything this powerful! And it's a horrible power, too. I'm trembling..." (66K)

Raditz: "What have you been doing here all these years? Your mission was to terminate all lifeforms on this planet. Why haven't you carried it out?" (100K)

Krillain: "I think you've been dipping into the eggnog!" (41K)

Goku: "I'm from outer space?" (66K)

Goku: "You don't act like any brother I'd want to have!" (39K)

Raditz: "Well, now; what d'ya think? Are you excited? You should be..." (100K)

All sounds are in WAV format. Sounds recorded from Funimation's English version of Dragonball Z. Sounds may not be used on other web sites.



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