Issue 1, vol. 1
| TOP STORY: Arnold
Wins Gold Medal in Olympic Competition
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Sections Top Story: |
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New Weight Loss Plan A recent report from health officials has good news for those of you trying lose weight fast. |
Man's Brain Kept Alive by the Wolves Who Murdered Him
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Last week,
in Athens, a special olympic competition was held. Men and women from around
the world came to show their mettle. They underwent several tests of various
human attributes, leaving their minds and bodies exhausted... except for
one. Even until the very end, Arnold Schwarzenneger, representing his native
Austria, remained cheerful and energetic. Impressed by his sheer superiority
to everyone in the entire world, the judges awarded Arnold with the gold
medal. Yeeeaaaoooww! ARNOLD SCHWARZENNEGER!
Several
months ago, a local man, Johann Goteberg went for a pleasent hike through
the woods. Little did he know, as he kissed his wife goodbye and set out
into the forest and the cool spring air, it would be the last time he saw
her. Johann encountered a group of wolves in a clearing and was vicously
murdered. Last week, authorities found the wolves, who had kept Johann's
brain alive with a life support system they had stolen from a local hospital.
After several routines tests, the brain was sent home. Johann now sits
happily in a laz-e-boy recliner in his ranch style home.