General Info

The Swedish Flag Explained

Ok, this is how it is(mind you, this is only my personal interpretation of the flag. I haven't actually done any research or anything). So, anyway, a lot of Swedes wear glasses, and there's four blue eyes there. See 'em? Good. Then, the yellow cross is kind of like a cross of blonde hair because the way the skull of a Swede is shaped, there's four long things jutting out from the sides and hair grows on them. and now you know the origin of the Swedish flag.

Get the Polar Bears out

Come on people. This is a serious problem and something has got to be done. In the last year, the Swedish government recieved several hundred complaints from tourists as well as local residents that polar bears have been wandering around in cities such as Stockholm and Vaxjo. This can not be tolerated much longer. Most Europeans know about this and something must be done before the rest of the world finds out. Think of what it would do to relations with such countries as Mali, Brazil, and New Zealand! Besides, it's a real hassle when you go to get some milk from the store and a polar bear grabs you and rips your guts out or gnaws your head off. It's about time the government just declared open hunting season in Stockholm.

Dealing With the Umlaut

When you go to Sweden, you will notice that not only do the Swedish people speak in a funny language which they call 'Svenska', but they draw little pictures over their vowels. Two dots over an 'e'. A curved line over a 'u'. A circle over an 'a'. A sad clown driving a polka dot car over an 'o'. At first this may seem strange, even ridiculous, but in time, you will get used to it and even enjoy it. Hej, everyone likes to draw, and writing is just so boring. Maybe if you're nice, the Swedes will let you make up your own pictures and put them over the vowels.

Interview With a Swede

The following is a conversation I had with a real, live Swede while in the Stockholm shopping district.

Me: Excuse me, sir. Do you mind if I ask you a few questions?

Rude Swedish Guy: Fuck off, asshole. Go to hell.

*It should be noted, however, that at the time this interview was conducted, I was wearing a t-shirt which read 'I hate Swedes. Down with Sweden.'

What People are Saying About this Guide

The following are things which actual people actually said. Really. I couldn't make this kind of stuff up. Well, I'm sure if I wanted to, I could make up something reasonably similar...but not exactly like this! Read on and you will see.

"You write too much. Too much for any normal boy."

"We hate all music and especially [this terrible offensive uninformed extremely unfunny travel guide to Sweden]"

"I don't know what kind of an IDIOT would come in here, dog a great movie, and try to get away with it. HELLO, why don't you just leave this place if you haven't a nice thing to say. This is a place where people share their love and support for Fairuza. For you to come in here and say that the craft was a horrible movie is FLAT OUT RUDE. You don't critique people like that. Fairuza is a person, and she DOES read these messages. You are a DISGUSTINGLY RUDE and ARROGANT person and, quite frankly, you should just leave here. REN raises a good point -if the craft was so bad in your blinded eyes, why THE HELL are you writing a sequal?! Please don't be disillusioned by the theory that you can write something better, because you would just be BITING off of SOMEONE ELSE'S STYLE, a style which you have OBNOXIOUSLY DISRESPECTED. WAKE UP KID."

Useful Swedish Phrases

God dag - Hello

Jag är tretton vindruvor - I am thirteen grapes

Ja, ja, jag kärlek du - Yeah, yeah, I love you

Jag Kärlek liten pojken - I like little boys

Jag beklagar - I´m sorry

Cities and Regions

Åland

Råstojaure

This is the northernmost city in Sweden. It is really cold. In fact, it's so cold, the people are actually blue. And the polar bear problem is really bad. Just dont go there.

Soderfjarden

A quiet little town on the coast of the Gulf of Bothnia. Or so it seems. The citizens are actually androids. But they are perfectly harmless. You'd never know if I hadn't told you. You'd think they were just ordinary everyday people. Until they fried your brain and dragged you off to a secret Russian slave-labor camp...

Stockholm

The capitol of Sweden and the unofficial home of the worlds most popular 'Leiterhosen Thrift Store'- a small place that specializes in the wholesale of used leiterhosen.

Växjö

If you're either Korean or Swedish, you'd better stay the hell out of Vaxjo. The old women are hostile, the men are senile, and the teenagers roam the streets looking for trouble. The three social groups don't always get along. In fact they absolutely can't stand each other. But there is one time when they band together for a common goal - when they see a Korean or a Swede. My gosh, they hate Koreans. There's only one thing they hate more than Koreans and that's a blond-haired, blue-eyed Swedish freak. However, they have a beautiful hockey arena...but be warned - racial tensions are extremely high in this quaint little town.

National History

The Crusades in Sweden

In school, you probably learned about the crusades to the Holy Land, which were made by Europeans to take Jerusalem from the Muslims. However, what you probably didn't learn about is the crusades made by the Europeans to take Jerusalem from the Swedes. You see, in ancient times(c. 1540BC), a city was constructed in southern Sweden called Jerusalem(pron. Yerüsalem). The city thrived for nearly 800 years before it was destroyed during the Mongolian invasions in the 700'sBC. During this time, several innovations were made that have been completely ignored by historians. For example: the invention of the microwave oven by Nils Anderson; the first evidence of the Wiccan religion in the basement of the first supermarket; and the first manned exploration of the moon. All of these accomplished by citizens of Jerusalem, Sweden before the 'birth' of Jesus Christ. Unfortunately, most of the evidence of this great civilization has been destroyed and the rest is hidden in a secret Russian laboratory somewhere in the Siberian tundra.

King Sven I

Born in 462BC, King Sven the first was the first and only ruler in what has come to be known as the shortest dynasty in the history of Sweden. He spent his childhood sitting by a river staring off into space. At the age of 14, he came to power and was overthrown in about 15 minutes -literally. He then wandered off into the sunset, never to be seen again.

The Mongolian War