Dragonball Z: THE ARRIVAL OF RADDITZ

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Sound bytes at the end of the experiment

THE ARRIVAL OF RADITZ -- Episode 1 (English dub)

(The opening montage plays. It consists of a hard rock score, a series of scenes cobbled together from the series, and an obnoxious chorus that goes "Dragon, Dragon -- rock the Dragon, Dragon -- Ball -- Z; Dragon, Dragon--rock the Dragon, come -- with -- me!" As it plays, MIKE NELSON, CROW T. ROBOT and TOM SERVO enter and find their seats.)

(MIKE: is a human, clean-cut, who tends to wear jumpsuits or the occasional sailor suit. He really, really, REALLY resents being forced to watch one of those "violent Japanese porn cartoons" and is not going to give this or any other anime half a chance.)

(TOM: is a small, red robot with a clear plastic head. He bears a strong resemblance to a gum-ball machine. Although he is not crazy about this, he likes big explosions (occasionally he even is a big explosion), so he thinks he can tolerate this to some extent. Tom's sarcasm modulator has never worked quite right, leading to occasional offensive in-your-face commentary.)

(CROW: is a medium-sized, whisper-thin gold robot with a long, protruding snout and lattice work on the back of his head. Of the three, he has historically been the biggest basher of Japanese pop culture--but he has a secret fascination with a couple of Dragonball-Z's main characters, and is not as upset about this as he pretends to be. Crow's biggest weakness is a tendency toward motion sickness, which some of the special effects in Dragonball Z are likely to aggravate.)

Mike: I can't believe Mrs. Forrester is making us watch one of these violent, pornographic Japanese cartoons!
Crow: It's called "anime." This one isn't pornographic. Um, so I'm told. I wouldn't know, of course.
Tom: How's about we just call it boring and say we're done?
Crow: Hey, you haven't even given it a chance yet!
Mike: Pearl sends us something she thinks is going to destroy us, and you think we should just sit here passively and be destroyed?
Crow: I'm just saying it might not be that bad, that's all! Geez...

(In space, a bright light flares and then speeds by the camera. A circular space ship heads toward a blue cloud-wreathed planet.)

Tom: Okay, here we go. Who wants the first riff?
Mike: Ummm... (woodenly) "Oh, look. They really hit that one out of the park. Heh, heh."
Tom: This is gonna bite big time...

(Long legged pink birds peck at the green grass in an alpine meadow)

Crow: It's one of Montana's legendary pink lawn flamingo farms.
Mike: I WANT OUT OF HERE!
Tom: Easy, Mike, it's just the first two minutes. Take a deep breath...that's right.

Voice: (sort of singing) Do-di-do-di-do

Crow: Frank Sinatra's really not in good voice today.
Tom: Death really takes it out on your vocal chords-- Geez, that was dark and lame. I'm gonna need a sec to clear my head...(Tom starts reciting a mantra of "Om...Om...")
Mike: (whimpers)

(A farmer stands next to a blue Chevrolet truck, using a pitchfork to toss hay in.)

Crow: (singing an old advertising ditty) "See the U.S.A in your Chevrolet..." Guys, I could use some help here!
Tom: (stops his chanting for a second) We'll toss in when we can. Om...

Farmer: (southern hick accent) Whew-ee! This job's bigger than I thought!

(He looks up). Huh?

Crow: (hick accent) Who knew plastic birds crapped this big?

(A fireball approaches. The farmer is bathed in red light as it passes just over him and crashes just over a nearby ridge. The birds run around in panic.)

Farmer: I guess I'd better go check it out.

Crow: Not like I have anything to live for. (Long pause) Tom, will you cut that the heck out!
Tom: (stops chanting) Oh! Sorry. I'm ready now. (Clears throat)

Farmer: (pause) Why me?

Tom: Because you're the useless ancillary character, and you've got to do what a useless ancillary character does! C'mon, now--go get killed!

(Title Screen: THE ARRIVAL OF RADITZ)

THE ARRIVAL OF RADITZ

(The farmer races toward the fallen celestial object in his Chevy pick-up truck)

Mike: Okay, I can do this--ahem. (sings off key) "See the U.S.A. in your Chevrolet!
Crow: I did that already, Mike.
Tom: Mike, honey, take some more deep breaths.

Farmer: (gulping as he gets out of the truck) I better bring my pea-shooter.

Crow: (hick accent) On account of I saw that Hollywood motion picture about them there pod people.

(The farmer stands near the edge of a very large impact crater. Inside the crater, a round, white object steams)

Tom: Hey, I've been raising Cassowaries next to old Faithful.

Farmer: (clutching a shotgun) It's no meteor. It's made of steel! (Makes whimpering sounds, then:) I'll be darned!

ALL: (as Gomer Pyle) Golly!


"It's Vidal Sassoon's eighties hair style!"
(One side of the white object opens with a creak. The farmer gapes. A bright light shines, then a hand grasps the edge of the door. A shadowy Alien steps out.)

Farmer: (more terrified sounds)

(The camera goes black except for little jags around the edge. Then feet are seen as something with a lot of hair levitates out of the impact crater.)

Mike: My God, no -- it's Vidal Sassoon's eighties hair style!
Tom: He really went overboard on the volumnizer!

(The Alien lands. The camera pans slowly over booted feet, bare legs with a strap around one thigh, brown flaps that cover groin and flanks, an armored chest, shoulder guards, and a pale, stern face with a deep widow's peak. The Alien is wearing a lens over one eye attached to an earpiece.)

ALL: AHHHH!
Mike: That's a lot more of Vidal Sassoon than I ever wanted to see!
Crow: It's a lot more than Beverly Sassoon ever saw...

Alien: So the creatures on this planet are still alive. Kakarot has failed us!

Farmer: (yet more terrified sounds)

Tom: (hick accent) Hey, y'all call this living?

Farmer: (mumbles) You're...on...my...property...

Mike: (squeaky) Um, please leave? Pretty please?

(Farmer loads shotgun)

Alien: Is that so? (Close-up of his face as he touches the side of the earpiece.)

Mike: I'm just going to change the tape here to something more appropriate to snuff you by...There!

(The Alien advances on the farmer)

Alien: Your power level is puny. Level 5. Too bad...

Tom: You should have used the extra hold pomade.

(Camera shows what the farmer looks like through the scouter...green-tinged, out-lined in yellow, with mathematical symbols in one corner)

Farmer: Don't you come any closer! I'll use this thing!

Mike: It's more powerful than it seems! It doubles as a LAPD baseball bat!

(Alien moves forward. The farmer stumbles back, screaming. The shotgun goes off.)

Tom: (hick accent) Darn, why didn't I take notes when I watched that Chuck Heston "How To Use Your Shotgun To Kill Aliens On Your Property" video!

(The Alien moves his hand in front of his forehead and grabs the bullet. He chuckles.)

Tom: (as a baseball announcer) And it's outta the park--no, a quick grab by the guy with the hair! He's outta there!

Alien: Here; catch.

(He flips the bullet like a marble; it shatters the shotgun. The farmer flies back and hits the front grill of the Chevy. Another close-up of the Alien's face; he's smirking.)

Mike: (British) Take that, L'Oreal!

Alien: Hmph. What a fragile breed of people.

Tom: Well made truck, though. Hardly dented the grill!

(There's a beeping noise.)

Alien: Hmmm? (He turns his head. The scouter shows an arrow pointing toward some mountains.) There's a high power level over there! Must be Kakarot. (He pushes off against the ground, and starts flying toward the mountains.) Prepare yourself, Kakarot! I'm coming...(echoes) -ing, -ing, -ing...

(Scene changes to a peaceful-looking mountain vista. A hawk flies over head. A deer walks by. Songbirds make tweety sounds. In a small round house, a woman looks out a window. Behind her is a table heavily loaded with food.)

Woman: Gohan! Time to come in! Gohan!

(Outside, a man in a loose-fitting, sleeveless outfit is jumping from tree limb to tree limb.)

Tom: George, George, George of the Jungle!
Mike: (dull) Watch out for that tree.

(Figure lands. The camera does a slow body scan from the ground up, ending on a cheerful, smiling face.)

ALL: AHHHH!
Mike: Well, at least this one had pants on.

Man: Ah. This one ought to do.

(The man is standing in front of a very, very wide tree. He takes an offensive fighting stance.)

Tom: Okay, tree, this is it. I've raked leaves for the very last time!

Man: Hai! (He punches the tree)

(Long shot of the forest, with one of the trees slowly tipping over.)

Mike: Obviously one of the timber industry's elite commandos.
Crow: Hey, someone has to deal with those obnoxious environmentalists!
Tom: Not to mention those uppity redwoods.

Woman: (who has now come outside to call) Hey, Gohan! (She stops and smiles.) Hey, Goku. Think you've got enough firewood, there?

Crow: Yeah, for today, anyway.

(Goku carries the tree to the house and drops it at the woman's feet.)

Goku: Yeah, that ought to do, don't you think?

Mike: I really showed that 500-year-old last-refuge-for-the-spotted-owl who's boss, huh?

Woman: You're going to hurt yourself doing that one of these days.

Tom: And there's that mob hit the oaks put out on you...

Goku: Ah, I'm fine. Where's Gohan?

Tom: (shouting) Lay off, lay off, you're smothering me!

Woman: (sighing) I don't know. But you better go find him. You two are suppose to be at Master Roshi's soon.

Goku: Oh, yeah, that's right.

Woman: You better take the flying nimbus, or you'll be late for your reunion.

Goku: (running off) Bye, Chi-chi!


"Abu on vacation."
Chi-chi: Goku, be careful! Oh, all this worrying is going to give me wrinkles.

(Meanwhile, in a more desert like terrain, a caped figure surveys the landscape.)

Mike: Abu on vacation.

(The figure suddenly whirls around. There's a close-up of a green face with bulging eyes and sharp fangs)

ALL: AHHHHH!
Mike: Norman Osborne!
Tom: Phil Urich!
Crow: Dr. Bart Hamilton!
Mike and Tom: Who?
Crow: (abashed) I don't know... Where'd that come from?

Green Guy: It can't be--! I've never felt such power--!

Tom: Someone who uses A Touch Of Mink hairspray is in the area!

(He stares off into the distance, the white cape snapping behind him)

Green Guy: It can't be Goku-- It's too horrible--

(A speck on the horizon resolves itself into the Alien that landed on Earth earlier)

Green Guy: Oh-oh.

Crow: It's worse than horrible. It doesn't have the decency to cover up its legs!

(Alien lands)

Alien: Excuse me for dropping in. I'm trying to find a man named Kakarot. I thought you were him.

Green Guy: You're excused. But maybe you should get glasses for both your eyes.

Alien: (unamused) You are a very funny man.

Mike: (eager) Wanna join my improv group?

Green Guy: Yeah? I wouldn't count on that.

Crow: I bombed on Amateur night.

Green Guy: Now, be off.

Alien: Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you?

Tom: (high-pitched) I've met your kind on other planets, jerk.

(The Alien looks through the lens. The Green Guy looks fairly yellowish through the green lens.)

Alien: Power level of three-hundred-and-twenty-two. I can tell you're not from this planet. But you'd be a fool to attack me...with such an insufficient power.

Green Guy: (taking a fighting stance) Now listen to me -- you came here! I have no interest in starting a fight!


"Thank goodness for that crotch concealer."
Alien: I do...

(Close-up of Green Guy's sweating face.)

(Camera shot from the ground, shooting up at Alien)

Mike: Whoa! Thank goodness for that crotch concealer.
Tom: I already feel like I'm waaay too intimate with this guy's physique.

(Another close-up of Green Guy's sweating face. Long pause.

Mike: Do I really want fry someone with this much hair? Think of the stench!

(Then a close up of Green Guy's arm, which bulges weirdly. Green Guy raises his arm and fires a blast of energy from his palm, which hits the Alien.)

(Green Guy grins...but when the dust clears, the Alien is floating over a blast crater.)

Tom: (British) Oh, I just knew you were with Max Factor!

Alien: Goodness! You've managed to singe some of my leg hairs.

Tom: Well, some pants would have prevented that!

(Green Guy freaks)

Mike: The power -- the hold -- the shine -- No, I'm being overcome by someone who uses better grooming products than I do -- ARGGG!

Alien: Allow me to demonstrate a more effective attack... I call this one here, Keep Your Eyes on the B