(MIKE: is a human, clean-cut, who tends to wear jumpsuits or the occasional sailor suit. He really, really, REALLY resents being forced to watch one of those "violent Japanese porn cartoons" and is not going to give this or any other anime half a chance.)
(TOM: is a small, red robot with a clear plastic head. He bears a strong resemblance to a gum-ball machine. Although he is not crazy about this, he likes big explosions (occasionally he even is a big explosion), so he thinks he can tolerate this to some extent. Tom's sarcasm modulator has never worked quite right, leading to occasional offensive in-your-face commentary.)
(CROW: is a medium-sized, whisper-thin gold robot with a long, protruding snout and lattice work on the back of his head. Of the three, he has historically been the biggest basher of Japanese pop culture--but he has a secret fascination with a couple of Dragonball-Z's main characters, and is not as upset about this as he pretends to be. Crow's biggest weakness is a tendency toward motion sickness, which some of the special effects in Dragonball Z are likely to aggravate.)
(In space, a bright light flares and then speeds by the camera. A circular space ship heads toward a blue cloud-wreathed planet.)
(Long legged pink birds peck at the green grass in an alpine meadow)
Voice: (sort of singing) Do-di-do-di-do
(A farmer stands next to a blue Chevrolet truck, using a pitchfork to toss hay in.)
Farmer: (southern hick accent) Whew-ee! This job's bigger than I thought!
(He looks up). Huh?
(A fireball approaches. The farmer is bathed in red light as it passes just over him and crashes just over a nearby ridge. The birds run around in panic.)
Farmer: I guess I'd better go check it out.
Farmer: (pause) Why me?
(Title Screen: THE ARRIVAL OF RADITZ)
(The farmer races toward the fallen celestial object in his Chevy pick-up truck)
Farmer: (gulping as he gets out of the truck) I better bring my pea-shooter.
(The farmer stands near the edge of a very large impact crater. Inside the crater, a round, white object steams)
Farmer: (clutching a shotgun) It's no meteor. It's made of steel! (Makes whimpering sounds, then:) I'll be darned!
![]() "It's Vidal Sassoon's eighties hair style!" |
Farmer: (more terrified sounds)
(The camera goes black except for little jags around the edge. Then feet are seen as something with a lot of hair levitates out of the impact crater.)
(The Alien lands. The camera pans slowly over booted feet, bare legs with a strap around one thigh, brown flaps that cover groin and flanks, an armored chest, shoulder guards, and a pale, stern face with a deep widow's peak. The Alien is wearing a lens over one eye attached to an earpiece.)
Alien: So the creatures on this planet are still alive. Kakarot has failed us!
Farmer: (yet more terrified sounds)
Farmer: (mumbles) You're...on...my...property...
(Farmer loads shotgun)
Alien: Is that so? (Close-up of his face as he touches the side of the earpiece.)
(The Alien advances on the farmer)
Alien: Your power level is puny. Level 5. Too bad...
(Camera shows what the farmer looks like through the scouter...green-tinged, out-lined in yellow, with mathematical symbols in one corner)
Farmer: Don't you come any closer! I'll use this thing!
(Alien moves forward. The farmer stumbles back, screaming. The shotgun goes off.)
(The Alien moves his hand in front of his forehead and grabs the bullet. He chuckles.)
Alien: Here; catch.
(He flips the bullet like a marble; it shatters the shotgun. The farmer flies back and hits the front grill of the Chevy. Another close-up of the Alien's face; he's smirking.)
Alien: Hmph. What a fragile breed of people.
(There's a beeping noise.)
Alien: Hmmm? (He turns his head. The scouter shows an arrow pointing toward some mountains.) There's a high power level over there! Must be Kakarot. (He pushes off against the ground, and starts flying toward the mountains.) Prepare yourself, Kakarot! I'm coming...(echoes) -ing, -ing, -ing...
(Scene changes to a peaceful-looking mountain vista. A hawk flies over head. A deer walks by. Songbirds make tweety sounds. In a small round house, a woman looks out a window. Behind her is a table heavily loaded with food.)
Woman: Gohan! Time to come in! Gohan!
(Outside, a man in a loose-fitting, sleeveless outfit is jumping from tree limb to tree limb.)
(Figure lands. The camera does a slow body scan from the ground up, ending on a cheerful, smiling face.)
Man: Ah. This one ought to do.
(The man is standing in front of a very, very wide tree. He takes an offensive fighting stance.)
Man: Hai! (He punches the tree)
(Long shot of the forest, with one of the trees slowly tipping over.)
Woman: (who has now come outside to call) Hey, Gohan! (She stops and smiles.) Hey, Goku. Think you've got enough firewood, there?
(Goku carries the tree to the house and drops it at the woman's feet.)
Goku: Yeah, that ought to do, don't you think?
Woman: You're going to hurt yourself doing that one of these days.
Goku: Ah, I'm fine. Where's Gohan?
Woman: (sighing) I don't know. But you better go find him. You two are suppose to be at Master Roshi's soon.
Goku: Oh, yeah, that's right.
Woman: You better take the flying nimbus, or you'll be late for your reunion.
Goku: (running off) Bye, Chi-chi!
![]() "Abu on vacation." |
(Meanwhile, in a more desert like terrain, a caped figure surveys the landscape.)
(The figure suddenly whirls around. There's a close-up of a green face with bulging eyes and sharp fangs)
Green Guy: It can't be--! I've never felt such power--!
(He stares off into the distance, the white cape snapping behind him)
Green Guy: It can't be Goku-- It's too horrible--
(A speck on the horizon resolves itself into the Alien that landed on Earth earlier)
Green Guy: Oh-oh.
(Alien lands)
Alien: Excuse me for dropping in. I'm trying to find a man named Kakarot. I thought you were him.
Green Guy: You're excused. But maybe you should get glasses for both your eyes.
Alien: (unamused) You are a very funny man.
Green Guy: Yeah? I wouldn't count on that.
Green Guy: Now, be off.
Alien: Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you?
(The Alien looks through the lens. The Green Guy looks fairly yellowish through the green lens.)
Alien: Power level of three-hundred-and-twenty-two. I can tell you're not from this planet. But you'd be a fool to attack me...with such an insufficient power.
Green Guy: (taking a fighting stance) Now listen to me -- you came here! I have no interest in starting a fight!
![]() "Thank goodness for that crotch concealer." |
(Close-up of Green Guy's sweating face.)
(Camera shot from the ground, shooting up at Alien)
(Another close-up of Green Guy's sweating face. Long pause.
(Then a close up of Green Guy's arm, which bulges weirdly. Green Guy raises his arm and fires a blast of energy from his palm, which hits the Alien.)
(Green Guy grins...but when the dust clears, the Alien is floating over a blast crater.)
Alien: Goodness! You've managed to singe some of my leg hairs.
(Green Guy freaks)
Alien: Allow me to demonstrate a more effective attack... I call this one here, Keep Your Eyes on the B